Daytime Divas (2017) s01e09 Episode Script
Whose Show is it Anyway?
Previously on Daytime Divas - We won.
- Yay! Morning Talk offered me a 20 percent bump.
We'll match it.
We never wanted Mo.
(Mo) I think you got played, Maxine.
Hopefully, you will watch my new show.
Do you need a wife? I'll have the network give you a ring.
- There it is, yeah! - When they flash, you flash.
When Oprah launched her network we had to hide out at the Sag Harbor house.
Wait that was five years ago.
Thought you said you'd only been together for one.
My mom is lying to me about something important.
I wish I could make it better.
You stalked your colleague and his wife on air Shut up, he said he loved me! That's Maxine Robinson killing her husband.
What were you and Vance talking about? I was talking to him about Tandy.
If you touch my sister, I'll kill you.
It's so good to be back.
With my baby.
So, so, so good.
I didn't, I didn't know it could feel this good.
Cheers, baby.
Why don't you use that tongue for something other than talking? [gasps.]
I love daytime.
[upbeat music.]
Uh! Does everyone have to go through that? Frequent exposure to radiation causes cancer.
- Everyone but you mom.
- Well, that's fair.
Besides, with this chunk of metal might make it explode! Hah! All hail the queen of daytime television.
Long live the queen.
[cheers and applause.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Wow, Dieter! Hey, thanks so much for coming.
- Yeah! - So, friend, what's up? All kinds of good stuff actually.
Yeah, my-my folk band just pressed an album on vinyl.
Oh, that is so cool, I can't wait to buy it.
So, what, I, uh, I need to make a purchase.
Right, yeah, um, I thought you went all clean.
Oh, totally, I still I am.
I just need Adderall for my ADD.
I'm diagnosed but my doctor he moved.
And it's been really hard for me to find a new one.
Especially being under so much scrutiny as a celebrity.
Yeah, yeah yeah, being a celebrity must be so hard.
Ugh, you have no idea.
Okay, um, yeah, I got you, for sure.
Oh, great.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you're the best.
See you later.
[knock on door.]
Hey, boss lady.
You got a sec? For you? Always.
Here, have a seat.
I just wanted to thank you for backing that money truck up to my house.
Now that I'm back I just want to make sure we're cool.
You know that we're, starting off with a clean slate.
Of course.
We're both DTA Award winning professionals.
- Hell yes, we are.
- Okay, Mo.
What do you want? So, the network is talkin' to me about starring in a Sitcom with Vance Gordon.
- Sitcom? Cute.
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't realize you had acting aspirations.
Well, I don't.
I mean, It's just a sitcom.
I just got to do what I do but, Vance Gordon is kinda bland so of course they need Mo to bring the funny.
I love it when funny is used as a noun.
Yeah, so, you know, they caught on to the chemistry that he and I had at the DTA so, if I get it which you know I will.
I'm just gonna, I'mma need your blessing.
Well, that's very nice of you to ask me.
- No, I mean, legally.
- Hmm.
Like, I need for you to carve it out of my contract.
You know, 'cause if you don't agree then I-I won't be able to do it.
Is, um, this important to you, Mo? Well, if it wasn't, I would not be asking.
I will give you my blessing.
I will call business affairs and uh, take care of it.
Thank you.
But I do have a few minor concessions.
Which will also be carved out of your contract.
Okay.
Such as? You are never to discuss my age or my vagina on air again.
If that's what it takes.
Yo! Dieter? What the hell are you doing here? Hey, long time.
How you been? Hey, I, uh got some of that Kush, if you're interested.
I do not need you anymore, okay? I've got my medical card and I most certainly don't need you in my place of work.
- How did you find me? - I'm not here for you, Mo.
I just you know, I'm I'm a fan of the show.
You look great by the way.
Thank you.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, business affairs just called about Mo's new contract.
You letting her go off for a sitcom? Sure, why not.
Seems like a good venue for all her talents.
They can pipe in laughter for all her yucks.
Okay, but if the show gets picked up she'll be doing two jobs.
- Yeah, right.
- Look! First year shows, I've heard stories.
Scripts change all the time.
Crazy hours, re-shoots.
Ahh, she'll be run ragged.
She'll miss shows.
Oh! How did it take me so long to get there? But, be careful, mom.
It's gonna go straight to Mo's head and she'll be an even bigger monster.
Sometimes when I feed the beast I slip a little something extra in her kibble.
I-what does that mean? It means I'm not scared of monsters.
No, I'm not going for the Frida [bleep.]
Kahlo look.
Where's the water? My mouth is [bleep.]
.
Okay, really, spotlight on fetal massage? Another frivolous pregnancy piece.
If it bugs you that much, you should take a stand.
- You are a DTA winner.
- That's right! You gotta throw down to get anywhere with Maxine.
That's why I get whatever I want because she's too scared to say no to me.
Yeah, I'm terrified, Mo.
You got me by the balls.
Congratulations, ladies.
Winning is so humbling Even more humbling than all those years of losing.
Yeah, I say we celebrate all month.
Maxine as a DTA winner I'd like to use our increased visibility to report on issues that I really care about.
And I would like you to get the network to scrub all the images of me and my dress from the internet.
So much drama with you and your jugs.
- Yeah, Heath, free the nipple.
- My nipples are not free.
It's humiliating guys.
Well, as long as we're asking for things, I mean could this DTA winner get like a juice bar maybe some organic crap.
And Mo, for you? Oh, no.
I'm good.
I got everything I want.
Alright, newsflash, girls.
As lovely as this award is all it means is that our formula is working.
And that we need to do more of the same.
And that we beat those smug bitches at "Morning Talk!" Shouldn't we be using this as a launching pad to bigger and better things? The "Lunch Hour" is bigger and better.
Nina, there are a lot of journalists out there that would kill for your gig.
Print media is over.
Oh, that's arguable.
Uh! What isn't arguable with you, Nina? Ladies, instead of whining we should be relishing our victory.
I am, all I'm saying is that the world is scarier than ever and we have a platform.
.
No, I have a platform.
And you're a guest on it.
Now, we need to look past our accolades and focus on the work.
All eyes are on us.
So, today should be the best show ever.
Maxine, these just came for you.
Oh, my God.
That's huge.
- Who's it? Oprah? - Ooh! Is she finally acknowledging our DTA win? Actually it's from your dry cleaner congratulating you and thanking you for your continued patronage.
What's this? - Oh! - What is it? This is from Oprah! The women owns her own cable channel.
Gift certificate.
50 bucks.
Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Oh! [intense music.]
Another meme.
It's so offensive! And not a single one of them give me props for being perky after having two kids.
- Phone for Leon.
- I can say it, Ramona.
- Then why didn't you? - Because, what's the point? [phone buzzing.]
Ooh! (Mo) Hey, Mr.
Network President Oh! Mo! You picked up.
Hey, my favorite funny lady.
How are you doing? Big day today.
First day back on the show.
So, you're calling to tell me, I got the part, right? The network loved your audition.
They loved it.
We were roaring.
Yes.
But the network really wants you to focus on "The Lunch Hour.
" You're calling to tell me I didn't get the part.
Is that what you're saying? You're, you're telling me that you're passing? No, no, no, not passing per se.
Was it Maxine? That bitch.
Some of the upper brass felt that you didn't have the right chemistry.
Chemistry? What the fuck? I mean, no wonder your primetime line up is tanking.
You are a very important part of the NEB family, Mo.
Very important Mo? [bleep.]
just watch me [bleep.]
explode.
Come on! Move.
I've been telling you, we're screwed.
They're subpoenaing my phone records.
Damn, this thing is not going away.
No, it's not.
In fact, it's getting way too close.
And I don't know how to shut it down.
(Maxine) In all my years reporting the news I've interviewed presidents, princes, and pop stars.
But there are other voices that I wanted to be heard.
So, a decade ago I created a show where woman could sit down and say what's on their minds.
And, boy, do they ever! We have a real slice of American pie who puts faith and family first.
A Pulitzer prize winning journalist with a passion for justice.
A child star who is all grow up.
Her POV is OMG.
She's back.
The outrageous, outspoken the one and only, Mo.
And me, Maxine Robinson! I'm in the left chair every day at noon.
On, "The Lunch Hour.
" Where no topic is taboo.
The DTAs were great! I'm not saying who but someone let's call her, I don't know Star Jones got into this thing with someone let's call her uh, Sharon Osborne Oh, my gosh, I'm totally making up those names.
Okay, can you like save some oxygen for the rest of us in here? - Yeah, okay.
- We were all at the DTAs.
And I'm sure there are plenty stories that that are more interesting for you guys to hear, right? Yeah, like, my stories, like I was telling Do you know, I have the talking stick.
I'm sure we all can agree with the highlight of the evening was when I received that award in that awesome dress.
Do you have the picture of the dress? Ahh! Look at that dress.
Oh.
I was so stoked when I heard that we won I was in the bathroom which was a And I think the other highlight of the evening was Heather's headlines.
Mo, no, please, please, I'm Some haters said that they were lowlights.
- We weren't gonna talk about - That is not okay.
We can't talk about Heather's boobs? I thought we couldn't talk about Maxine's vagina which for the record I'm not talking about your vagina I'm talking about the fact that I can't talk about your vagina.
What is happening on the show today? We are talking censorship.
Keep up.
Mo, can talk about whatever she'd like.
So, far it's still a free country.
Oh, great, now I don't have anything to say.
Well, if anyone finds my DTA, I kinda lost it.
Um, I think I left it in the Uber oh, with my purse which I, which I also lost.
Kibbs, I think you lost your ever loving mind.
Well, if anyone finds that and returns it to me then you get a free "Lunch Hour" tote.
Alright, Maxine, say what you need.
Enough about the DTAs and Mo's return.
- Let's talk about babies.
- Talk about - Nina! - Thank you, Maxine.
Well, I have got some great tips on how to make a happy baby in utero.
They can wait until they're fully formed adults to be miserable.
Nina, pregnancy is supposed to be the most wondrous time of a woman's life, so, I've heard.
So, can you please put a smile on your face for your next maternity segment? Like this? Dealing with second trimester hemorrhoids.
Well, suck it up.
I see your face I'm wanna turn the channel.
And I suspect most of America feels the same way.
Well, I am sorry, I'm doing the best I can with this fluff.
There's real arrogance in that attitude.
Well, I think you're risking patronizing your audience.
I think you're risking patronizing me.
Kudos to you Kibby, you saved us out there.
Oh! Oh, man you were so funny.
Kibby, keep doing whatever you're doing.
Okay, I'm on the DTA high and like 30 cups of coffee.
So, ha-ha.
Kibby is only funny because I came back, okay.
Obviously I elevate the conversation.
Any network would know that except this one.
- You didn't get the pilot? - I didn't really want it.
It needs to be a network that deserves me.
Wait, wait, I rehearsed with you.
You did amazing, baby.
I'm allowed to call you baby now in the public, right? It's all good.
Come on, baby - I owe you one.
- Yes! Hey, did you want me to tear Mo a new one for mentioning your, um Vagina? No.
It's fine.
Well, she is in breech of contract, we could always This just came for you, Shawn.
I think it's from Oprah.
Okay, uh.
.
Why'd they subpoena my phone records? What the hell? Why would they? Uh, you know what? It's no big deal.
I'll handle it, okay? Handle it? Shawn, how do you handle a subpoena? Even Maxine's not that powerful.
Uh, she'll figure something out.
Baby, this is the one thing that she can't control.
Hey, so, what were they asking you the other day at the police station? I mean, they were just drilling down for details about the night that Ted died.
But I couldn't give 'em much.
- Well, why not? - I wasn't there.
I was at a graduation party wasted.
You? Wasted? I mean, you barely drink.
I was wild back in the day.
I actually, hardly remember what happened that night.
Wow, even I haven't heard of these wild Shawn stories.
There's a reason for that.
Um, there's a lot I don't know about you, player.
"You can do anything that your heart desires.
" I mean, this script is so lame.
Oh, my gosh, seriously? Like, "Lacey From Outer Spacey" is Shakespeare or something? Can you just help me with my audition, please? I mean, you were the one who said you'd help me.
- Remember? - I know I did.
But, it's just that Tan, I gotta be honest with you about something.
I'm having a hard time with this.
The thought of you doing the show with Vance.
Tandy I mean, this script sucks, right? It's really bad and being a child actor is hard enough.
- But if you really wanna - You think I suck, right? - What? No.
- Just say it.
You, you're scared that I'm gonna embarrass you in front of Vance.
That's not it at all.
Then why won't you help me? Huh? Because, I-I don't think you're ready.
I think you need a lot of training.
Because you only get one shot in this business.
[upbeat music.]
Darling, I think you should know what your police department is up to? Subpoenaing my phone records and my son's.
This is harassment.
It needs to be stopped.
Maxine, I can't do anything about that? You're the deputy mayor.
Do something with your title.
You know my show employs over 200 tax paying citizens.
Not to mention the tourists that come and see it.
And then go across the street and eat at Shake Shack.
And then drop buckets of dollars on "I Love New York" t-shirts.
Maxine, what do you want from me? The police should focus on real crime.
- Drugs, theft.
- I hear you, Maxine.
Get them off my back now or it won't be pretty.
You know, my sister's boy wants to break into the business.
Yes, uh, we can give your nephew an internship, see? I knew there was a way we could work things out.
[upbeat music.]
Just like that, the case is over.
When I'm so damn close.
It's rules like "Thou shall not kill" just for little people and suckers, huh? - Siri, get me the asshole.
- Jason Abel! Jason, you passed on Mo for the Vance Gordon Sitcom.
What happened to Mo? I thought she killed at the auditions.
Well something died, here.
You can see for yourself.
(Mo's recorded act) I won't tell your dad this time, Jozy.
"because living with your mistake is punishment enough.
" (male #1) I promise I won't do it again.
"But if this behavior" Well, I can't do this [bleep.]
.
Okay, this is how it should go.
Listen, your behavior you keep acting up like this [bleep.]
I'mma knock your ass till it hits your head.
You entitled [bleep.]
off it.
You think anybody gives a shit.
that your mother is dead? (male #2) Um, can we stick to the script? It's a family comedy.
Where's the [bleep.]
comedy? She is awful.
Truly awful.
- Let's watch it again.
- We've watched it eight times.
You think it's too late to call Jason? For what? She stinks.
He'd have to be an idiot to actually give her the part.
That's what I'm counting on.
[upbeat music.]
Brad's actually okay with the kids going to the Crossroads.
I'm sure he calls it a hippy-dippy school with pot smoking parents, and barefoot kids.
- Is it? - Yeah! But, Ella can be Ella and.
.
, as long as the kids are happy.
I mean, screw Nina and her stalker.
Metal detectors at work? We're living in a police state.
But you can't be too careful these days.
What? Yeah! Keys kill! Ready.
Good Morning.
Ow! Shit! It was the white girl.
It was the white girl you saw that.
Oh! Ah! My gun, must have set it off.
I probably should have taken that out.
Don't worry, I have a concealed weapons permit.
Come on, Mo.
We're gonna be late.
You don't want Maxine to be mad.
I bring my gun to work every day, ladies.
It's fine.
Hell, no, Annie Oakley.
What the hell are you doing with a gun? Yeah, Heather! Are you freakin' insane? Guns are scary.
There is no reason for anyone to bring a weapon to work.
I agree.
I was the one who was threatened.
With a selfie stick.
The point being I would never bring a gun to work.
Hey, ladies, while I respect your very liberal and left-minded opinions about this matter may I remind you that I am well within my rights to carry a firearm? Besides [screaming.]
And it's pink.
I don't see what the big fuss is.
I carry my gun safe and sound in my purse inside of my drawer which I lock.
No big deal.
No big deal, my ass.
Heather, a gun is not costume jewelry.
Do you know how many black people die from guns? Ladies, I am protected by the Second Amendment which gives me the right to bear arms - Every man is - Ladies, enough! This is not the time nor place to have this discussion.
We will continue a civilized discussion where it belongs.
The law is very clear, as a citizen of New York and a lawful holder of a concealed weapons permit I'm allowed to carry my gun wherever I want as long as there are no signs prohibiting it.
Look around, ladies, there are no signs.
No one thought we needed a no-gun sign plastered on the set of a daytime talk show for women.
- She has a point.
- Fancy makes people safe.
- What? - Fancy? Fancy's what I have named my gun.
But it's a gun, not a Pomeranian.
My aunt had a Pomeranian named Fancy.
Cute, but annoying.
Didn't know how to feel when they put her down.
Heather, the argument that you and your NRA friends make that guns deter violence is absolutely ridiculous.
Guns are almost never used in self-defense.
And when they are, they always result in a more dire outcome.
No, I don't, I don't know, Nina, look.
I actually think people have the right to strap up.
- Thank you, Mo.
- But not your crazy ass.
You think I trust you with a weapon? You can barely use a can opener without hurting yourself, Heather.
Come on, stop it.
You know, let's check in with our social media to see what they say about this topic.
Ooh.
Please, take your fantasies somewhere else, creepers.
Yeah, I'm a responsible gun owner and I carry it everywhere I go.
Keep that in mind next time you try to cut in front of her at communion.
[instrumental music.]
Jason, listen to me, Mo's humor is broad and vulgar but a sitcom with a laugh track? That seems like the perfect vehicle.
Let her audition again.
She wasn't used to the format or the, the rhythms "The Lunch Hour" should be her priority.
The sitcom will just be a distraction.
Mo's capable of multitasking.
I assume you're gonna be shooting in New York, right? Well, I mean, we'd have to if we went with Mo to accommodate her schedule.
Tandy, hey, can I talk to you for a second? No.
Seriously, I'm about to audition, to get in the zone.
Are you trying to sabotage me now? - No.
- Uh, just talk to my manager.
- Tandy, please.
- What do you expect? - You told her she sucked? - That's not what I said.
I'm just trying to protect her.
You know what, maybe if you were this dramatic on camera you'd still have an acting career.
Well, maybe if you weren't so greedy you wouldn't be such a terrible mother.
Oh, good.
Why don't you go put in a nice word with Vance for your sister? "Josey, your mother will be with you at your birthday party in spirit.
" "But she won't really be there.
" "Josey.
" [sighs.]
Damn this.
Josey, let your mom's spirit follow the light where she could be with her dead relatives and pets and she No, wait.
T-t-those are not the lines.
If you want this part you're gonna have to stick with the script.
- It's not funny.
- It's a network comedy.
- It's not supposed to be funny.
- Why are you tryin' to help me? Well, because I told you I would support you.
- Clean slate.
- Really? Okay, well, I would hope that we're there 'cause we are on the same team, right? Of course.
Our friendly rivalry has become a fun part of our brands.
- Okay.
Fine.
- You know what, Mo? I wouldn't have hired you in the first place if I didn't think you're funny and certainly not re-hired you.
Well, I never would've taken the job in the first place if I didn't have to pay my goddamn rent.
Alright, let's, uh, let's just read the lines.
"Josey, I'll make this the best birthday party you ever had.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa! What you doing? It says you have to hug Josey Pinch.
I don't believe in hugs.
Well, neither do I.
You wanna get the part? Just pretend I'm a big bag of money.
Money.
Money, money, money, money.
Ah.
Really? Well, now you need to pretend I'm your doorman.
Thank you.
- Hm.
- Hm.
- Now say the line.
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
Okay.
Um.
"I will always be there for you, my little lovebug.
" - End scene.
- Ooh! Oh, thank God.
Vance, do not hire Tandy.
I mean it.
Jealousy is not becoming on you.
- Your sister deserves a shot.
- You're such a dick.
And the network makes the decisions, not me.
Don't act like you don't have a say.
Tank her audition! [chuckles.]
Calm down.
Calm down.
I swear to God, if you so much as look at her wrong I'll go public with everything.
And what are you gonna say, that I took advantage of you? Come on, Kibbs, you and I did not fall in love until you were, what, 18? Love? I was such a little idiot for believing you.
So smooth.
Protecting yourself while still being a perv.
And thanks for the drugs, by the way.
Uh-oh, that sounds like addict behavior blaming your actions on other people.
The difference is I didn't have anyone looking out for me but Tandy does.
Do you really expect people to believe you? Look at you.
Kibby, huh? Well, what-what do you want here? Uppers, downers, combo platter? [bleep.]
you.
Maybe no one will believe me, but do you really wanna take that chance? [exhales.]
I get the feeling that this is really important to you so I will push for somebody else.
Daddy comes through again! What do you mean she quashed it? Subpoena's gone.
It's over.
Let's celebrate.
Do you know how difficult it is to get rid of a subpoena? Uh, she must have pulled some serious strings.
- Whatever gets the job done.
- Shawn.
Think about it.
She lied about how long she was seeing William for.
Why? What else is she hiding that she has to pull in such favors? She's my mother.
She asked me to trust her and I'm going to.
Well, what exactly did she ask you to trust her about? - Nothing.
- Nothing? With how she's handling this.
You deserve to know the truth.
I know it.
Everyone knows it.
Ted fell.
- He hit his head and died.
- But you weren't even there.
You said it yourself, that you don't even remember what your mother told you that night.
Look, Nina, I don't need you to be an investigative journalist on this one.
Just leave it alone.
Well, that's interesting.
You were so worried about how my one lapse in journalistic ethics would jeopardize the show, yet a murder investigation involving your mother doesn't even faze you? The murder investigation that's now closed because there was no murder, Nina.
Look.
[sighs.]
Can we just let it go? Babe, I'd really like to just focus on the future.
I mean, I feel like we're finding our way back to a really good place again.
Me, too.
So, can we just let it go? Well, Nina, I was happy and surprised to hear from you.
Yes, we ended on such an ugly note.
Well, maybe that's because you called me a psycho stalker on national television.
I'm so sorry.
I feel really bad about that.
I feel kinda bad, too.
Maybe sending you a big box of dog poop was a little over the top.
That was you.
Water under the bridge, right? So, um What's going on with you and Maxine? - Why do you wanna know? - Well, clearly She didn't wanna keep you on the show.
And we both know that when somebody has something on Maxine she shuts them down hard.
Luckily, you've landed on your feet.
It must've been so tough to get another job in journalism.
- Oh, talent always rises to - Yo.
I asked you for an Espresso.
And, make it a ristretto not that sketch banana-nut spice crap.
And, don't forget to restock my mini fridge.
[chuckles.]
We're-we're a social news website which means we spend all day writing listicles like 20 Disney Princesses With Serious Bitch Face.
Hey, Bowen! Yay, me.
But it's not easy to get a decent internship at my age.
You must be so pissed.
That's a polite way of putting it.
So, then tell me why did Maxine wanna get rid of you so badly? I have evidence that she murdered her husband.
Oh, and since we're being real it wasn't dog poop.
[sniffing.]
Damn.
Hey, slow your roll, girl.
It's only 8 o'clock in the morning.
What's the big d? It works a hell of a lot better than coffee.
Okay, I'll take an 8-ball, please.
I thought you were only stickin' to Adderall.
I am.
This is just a special, like hump day/bump day treat.
Alright, well, as long as you remember to check yourself before your wreck yourself.
Alright? Okay, this whole drug-dealer- with-a-conscience thing is getting really annoying.
So, uh, here's your money.
- Give me my goods and go.
- Alright.
Hey, one love.
Okay.
Can you please just go? See ya.
Bye, you guys.
Have a good day at school.
Make good choices.
[gasps.]
Principal Freewoman.
Thank you so much.
Ella is so happy and trans and Savannah is confused but, she's getting used to it.
- You have been so welcoming.
- Stop.
We ask for consent before touching.
- And I'm denying.
- Oh.
Okay.
I am so sorry.
I'm also denying you access to the school.
Several parents caught your show and you must understand that guns terrify our students.
And they're not really a solution but if you insist on carrying one then we're going to have to reconsider your children's enrollment.
I thought this school was all about inclusivity.
And yet, here you are, outright excluding me and my children.
We are not excluding.
We're just extracting.
For the record, my gun has never gone off nor will it unless I'm protecting myself and my children.
I am not judging you.
We don't judge here.
Oh, but I think you do you alternative socialist hypocrites.
Thank you for speaking your truth, Heather.
And now here's mine.
If you wish your children to stay in this school there better not be a gun in your handbag tomorrow.
[school bell ringing.]
Yeah, well, gluten intolerance is a conspiracy created by the rice industry! Hey! Maxine! I just wanted to show you my new bag.
- Cute, right? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's very new-money-meets I-just-landed-a-major-role- on-a-network-sitcom.
You got the job.
Congratulations! Thank you! Girl, it's all about that double-income life, baby.
And I would not have been able to land this role if it weren't for you.
So, thank you.
Speaking of children, uh, you know what? I'm, I think I'm finally understanding what it feels like to have children.
Oh.
Mommy loves her so much.
- Are you breastfeeding? - Oh, gosh, she wouldn't latch.
No, really, like, she wouldn't latch.
The clasp broke, I had to take her back to be fixed but I wanted to ask you real quick.
What do you think about having Vance Gordon on the show tomorrow? I mean, we can tell the world that I, Mo Evans is playing his wife and I'm bringing a little chocolate to the milk.
I think the network would love it.
That's why I love you, baby.
She needs a nap.
- Oh.
- You, what, what happened? You're so sleepy.
Okay.
[gibberish.]
Max, I appreciate you, girl.
Love ya! Hey, Kibbs.
Doin' a little spring cleaning? Yeah.
Yeah, I was feeling kind of repressed by my current setup, so, figured I'd rearrange some things.
Sometimes it, just moving a chair can make you feel refreshed, you know? - Nice bag.
- Oh, thank you.
I bought it with my new sitcom money.
Oh, you got the part.
Wow, congrats.
Thanks.
Did your sister hear anything? Oh, um, I-I don't think it's happening for her.
Oh, that's too bad.
Vance really liked her.
I bet he did.
Look, Mo, I got to warn you.
Vance, he sucks.
Like, he's the mayor, treasurer, and president of-of Suck Town.
Working with him, it-it, it's a nightmare.
Hm.
You know what, Kibbs? Maybe you need to worry about yourself, you know? Are you coming down with a cold or something? You're doing an awful lot of sniffling.
No, I'm-I'm fine.
Um Can you go? You're kinda harshing my feng shui.
Well, I am so happy you are doing "The Lunch Hour" tomorrow.
I think our audience is gonna flip over your new show.
It's crap, but they're paying me a ton of money so, you know, whatever.
Right? What's it gonna be like to work with Mo? Oh, she is so down to earth and easy.
Uh, absolutely no ego with her.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
You know, that brash personality she flaunts on stage it's just an act.
She's as sweet as a wallflower.
Alright.
Well, then this is gonna be fun.
[chuckles.]
They're not making you shoot in New York, are they? Ah, on-on account of Mo, I think we kinda have to.
She can't be in two places at once.
Yeah, I guess not.
- Not that that's your problem.
- It kinda is.
I mean, to tell you the truth, it's a huge pain in my ass.
I mean, everything's in LA.
I got my house, my kids Oh, darling, you are Vance Gordon.
If you don't want to pick up your life and move to New York for some crappy sitcom put your foot down.
I'm sure they'll cave.
And then what? I mean, what, y-you and I would fight over Mo? Darling, I would never fight.
There are a lot of other co-hosts out there but only one Emily Pinch.
[chuckles.]
[instrumental music.]
[knocking on door.]
Maxine, you got a sec? Uh, if you're trying to get out of doing the story on pregnancy sandals tomorrow, forget it.
No.
No, as much as I loathe these insipid pieces you keep on assigning me, this isn't about that.
This is about Shawn and the investigation into your husband's death.
And I think you should know how stressful it's been for him.
Well, it isn't easy for me, either.
Oh, these detectives need to get a hobby.
I just think he would feel a lot better if you told him what actually happened the night of his death.
I've told him everything he needs to know.
So, if you will excuse me I have a show to prep.
I spoke to Anna Course.
She told me that you killed Ted.
Uh, you're gonna take the word of a woman who has proven herself unstable on national television.
Actually, my instincts are telling me that Anna is onto something.
I think you're forgetting this, Maxine, but I am a journalist.
Oh, yeah.
And so am I.
So, if you wanna dig, let's dig.
Don't think that I haven't forgotten about your own skeletons in your closet.
I don't have any.
I bet your ex-husband begs to differ.
It's never too late to find out, is it? You know what, Maxine, there is nothing to know.
Andrew's a spiteful person and he'll say just about anything.
Nina, darling, if you wanna continue meddling in my business, go ahead.
But be forewarned.
When they go low, I go lower.
Hey, thanks for letting me swing by before work.
NBD.
That's how we talk around here.
It's really cool.
Saves like three minutes a day.
Doesn't NBD have the same exact number of syllables as no big deal? - Hey, Anna.
- Hm.
Ah.
I'm rebranding.
I'm super-close to getting my own listicle.
Yeah? Can you restock the fridge with kombucha? Just give me a second.
Bo, I'm currently in the midst of scheming to take down my old boss with my former nemesis.
Sweet.
He's so cool.
I'm totally DTF.
So, Anna, you said on the phone that you had something for me.
Yes, right.
I'm sorry.
This is the police investigation into Ted's death.
Apparently, Maxine had it killed.
TBH, that's what she does.
These are the actual police files? Mm-hmm, the detective in charge was taken off the case and he was pissed AF.
Twist, he gave the files to me.
Hm.
Spoiler alert, Queen Maxine once again.
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
Mm-hmm.
What's this? Nothing you need to worry about.
It's just a crappy mix tape of mine from the '90s.
God, I loved Hootie & The Blowfish.
[knocking on door.]
One second.
[knocking on door.]
Uh, come in.
- Uh, five minutes? - Yeah.
Actually, I-I was coming to ask if you would do me a big favor.
Do you think you could ask Vance if he would take a selfie with me after the show? I saw him getting miked in the back.
Vance is here? He's doing the show? Yeah, and I'm a really big fan and I Actually I used to have a big crush on him, so - Get out.
- Okay, sorry.
- But now it's four minutes - Get out! Sorry.
[door shuts.]
[indistinct chattering.]
Hey, what happened to you earlier? Thought we were going out to breakfast.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I had some errands to run.
- Is everything okay? - Mm-hmm.
One minute! One minute! Hey! Excuse me.
Alright, hold the baby while I'm at work.
Mommy's gotta bring home the bacon.
Ooh.
Hello! Yo, kid, you better check yourself! You do not want a piece of me.
- You okay, baby? - Man.
You're sweeter to this purse than you are to me.
But that's because that purse holds my money without spending it.
Oh, look here.
I think you need to do some talking to Kibby.
Why is my hair so flat today? It's looks really, really, really bad! Can you do something about this? Yeah, she's looking very Lindsay Lohanish circa 2006.
Well, should we try parting it on the other side so it's not as [bleep.]
just flat? I'll speak to her after the show.
I need clips, I need clips.
Aria! Mm-hmm.
Your problem.
So, I walked right back into that audition room and I said, "Oh, no, I am not done.
You bitches are going to give me another chance.
" She killed it! You are so fun.
- Thank you.
- Oh, that's our Mo, so funny! So, Vance, uh, Mo will be playing your wife? Oh, wait.
Wait a minute.
Mo's gonna play Vance's wife? But how will that work since you don't really do age appropriate? That is an interesting point, not only will the show be diverse, but finally we will see an age appropriate spouse Hey, Nina, do you, like, try to be boring? Sorry, go back to talking about Vance's relationships.
So, uh, tell me, will your second wife be as mellow as your IRL wife? Since we all know she puts up with a lot.
- Is she high? - Okay, Kibby.
All cameras off Kibby.
Come on, we all know I'm a handful both off and on camera.
Oh, he's a handful.
Now, speaking of relationships we have a little surprise for you.
It is time to introduce America to the young actress who'll be playing Vance's daughter And my stepdaughter.
Okay, that's the whole point of the show.
Please welcome, Tandy Ainsley! What? [audience cheering.]
Well, we wanted to surprise you, Kibby.
Isn't this fun, passing the baton to your kid sister? Yeah, it is so cute.
The fake family keeping it on the real Tandy, are you F-ing kidding me? Sister, hi.
Aww.
So, apparently, I can act.
She was terrific.
[audience cheering.]
(Sheree) They loved you.
How do you feel? You feel good? I was so nervous for you.
Every time I think you can't go any lower, you prove me wrong.
Careful, Kibby.
Green was never your color.
I'm not jealous! Uh, excuse me.
Kibby, I would like to speak with you.
Oh, is that what you like? Well, I don't care what you want.
Kibby, you need to get a hold of yourself.
- How could you do this to me? - Oh.
Kibby, you need to dry out now.
I have invested a lot in you.
Oh, is that what I am, just some investment? [sighs.]
[indistinct chattering.]
Oh, Maxine, um, what's the matter with Kibby? Oh, she'll be fine.
So, I have a little announcement for you two.
We are so excited about "In A Pinch" we wanna give it the best possible production value we can get, so we've decided to shoot it in LA.
- Ah! - Oh, LA as in Los Angeles? - Los Angeles.
- Yeah! Oh, Mo, what a shame.
And so soon after you came back to "The Lunch Hour.
" (Vance) You're gonna love it out there.
- What the fudge? - Have you seen Kibby? Have you seen this sign? Not cool! I can't bring my gun here Heather, I don't have time for this.
I need to find Kibby.
You don't have time for the Second Amendment? Back off, Heather.
You know, this California shit has Maxine Robinson written all over it.
[sighs.]
Not now, Mo.
You knew exactly what you were doing.
And it's a shame you didn't.
Oh, there she is.
[gasping.]
What the f - Okay, you should stop.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
- Kibby.
Kibby.
How does it feel, asshole? - Kibby, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God.
Kibby, please put down the gun.
- No, I'm not gonna let him touch her! - Kibby! I'm not gonna let him get away with this! - Put down the gun! - Everybody look out! [all gasping.]
[gunshot.]
- Yay! Morning Talk offered me a 20 percent bump.
We'll match it.
We never wanted Mo.
(Mo) I think you got played, Maxine.
Hopefully, you will watch my new show.
Do you need a wife? I'll have the network give you a ring.
- There it is, yeah! - When they flash, you flash.
When Oprah launched her network we had to hide out at the Sag Harbor house.
Wait that was five years ago.
Thought you said you'd only been together for one.
My mom is lying to me about something important.
I wish I could make it better.
You stalked your colleague and his wife on air Shut up, he said he loved me! That's Maxine Robinson killing her husband.
What were you and Vance talking about? I was talking to him about Tandy.
If you touch my sister, I'll kill you.
It's so good to be back.
With my baby.
So, so, so good.
I didn't, I didn't know it could feel this good.
Cheers, baby.
Why don't you use that tongue for something other than talking? [gasps.]
I love daytime.
[upbeat music.]
Uh! Does everyone have to go through that? Frequent exposure to radiation causes cancer.
- Everyone but you mom.
- Well, that's fair.
Besides, with this chunk of metal might make it explode! Hah! All hail the queen of daytime television.
Long live the queen.
[cheers and applause.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Wow, Dieter! Hey, thanks so much for coming.
- Yeah! - So, friend, what's up? All kinds of good stuff actually.
Yeah, my-my folk band just pressed an album on vinyl.
Oh, that is so cool, I can't wait to buy it.
So, what, I, uh, I need to make a purchase.
Right, yeah, um, I thought you went all clean.
Oh, totally, I still I am.
I just need Adderall for my ADD.
I'm diagnosed but my doctor he moved.
And it's been really hard for me to find a new one.
Especially being under so much scrutiny as a celebrity.
Yeah, yeah yeah, being a celebrity must be so hard.
Ugh, you have no idea.
Okay, um, yeah, I got you, for sure.
Oh, great.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you're the best.
See you later.
[knock on door.]
Hey, boss lady.
You got a sec? For you? Always.
Here, have a seat.
I just wanted to thank you for backing that money truck up to my house.
Now that I'm back I just want to make sure we're cool.
You know that we're, starting off with a clean slate.
Of course.
We're both DTA Award winning professionals.
- Hell yes, we are.
- Okay, Mo.
What do you want? So, the network is talkin' to me about starring in a Sitcom with Vance Gordon.
- Sitcom? Cute.
- Mm-hmm.
I didn't realize you had acting aspirations.
Well, I don't.
I mean, It's just a sitcom.
I just got to do what I do but, Vance Gordon is kinda bland so of course they need Mo to bring the funny.
I love it when funny is used as a noun.
Yeah, so, you know, they caught on to the chemistry that he and I had at the DTA so, if I get it which you know I will.
I'm just gonna, I'mma need your blessing.
Well, that's very nice of you to ask me.
- No, I mean, legally.
- Hmm.
Like, I need for you to carve it out of my contract.
You know, 'cause if you don't agree then I-I won't be able to do it.
Is, um, this important to you, Mo? Well, if it wasn't, I would not be asking.
I will give you my blessing.
I will call business affairs and uh, take care of it.
Thank you.
But I do have a few minor concessions.
Which will also be carved out of your contract.
Okay.
Such as? You are never to discuss my age or my vagina on air again.
If that's what it takes.
Yo! Dieter? What the hell are you doing here? Hey, long time.
How you been? Hey, I, uh got some of that Kush, if you're interested.
I do not need you anymore, okay? I've got my medical card and I most certainly don't need you in my place of work.
- How did you find me? - I'm not here for you, Mo.
I just you know, I'm I'm a fan of the show.
You look great by the way.
Thank you.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, business affairs just called about Mo's new contract.
You letting her go off for a sitcom? Sure, why not.
Seems like a good venue for all her talents.
They can pipe in laughter for all her yucks.
Okay, but if the show gets picked up she'll be doing two jobs.
- Yeah, right.
- Look! First year shows, I've heard stories.
Scripts change all the time.
Crazy hours, re-shoots.
Ahh, she'll be run ragged.
She'll miss shows.
Oh! How did it take me so long to get there? But, be careful, mom.
It's gonna go straight to Mo's head and she'll be an even bigger monster.
Sometimes when I feed the beast I slip a little something extra in her kibble.
I-what does that mean? It means I'm not scared of monsters.
No, I'm not going for the Frida [bleep.]
Kahlo look.
Where's the water? My mouth is [bleep.]
.
Okay, really, spotlight on fetal massage? Another frivolous pregnancy piece.
If it bugs you that much, you should take a stand.
- You are a DTA winner.
- That's right! You gotta throw down to get anywhere with Maxine.
That's why I get whatever I want because she's too scared to say no to me.
Yeah, I'm terrified, Mo.
You got me by the balls.
Congratulations, ladies.
Winning is so humbling Even more humbling than all those years of losing.
Yeah, I say we celebrate all month.
Maxine as a DTA winner I'd like to use our increased visibility to report on issues that I really care about.
And I would like you to get the network to scrub all the images of me and my dress from the internet.
So much drama with you and your jugs.
- Yeah, Heath, free the nipple.
- My nipples are not free.
It's humiliating guys.
Well, as long as we're asking for things, I mean could this DTA winner get like a juice bar maybe some organic crap.
And Mo, for you? Oh, no.
I'm good.
I got everything I want.
Alright, newsflash, girls.
As lovely as this award is all it means is that our formula is working.
And that we need to do more of the same.
And that we beat those smug bitches at "Morning Talk!" Shouldn't we be using this as a launching pad to bigger and better things? The "Lunch Hour" is bigger and better.
Nina, there are a lot of journalists out there that would kill for your gig.
Print media is over.
Oh, that's arguable.
Uh! What isn't arguable with you, Nina? Ladies, instead of whining we should be relishing our victory.
I am, all I'm saying is that the world is scarier than ever and we have a platform.
.
No, I have a platform.
And you're a guest on it.
Now, we need to look past our accolades and focus on the work.
All eyes are on us.
So, today should be the best show ever.
Maxine, these just came for you.
Oh, my God.
That's huge.
- Who's it? Oprah? - Ooh! Is she finally acknowledging our DTA win? Actually it's from your dry cleaner congratulating you and thanking you for your continued patronage.
What's this? - Oh! - What is it? This is from Oprah! The women owns her own cable channel.
Gift certificate.
50 bucks.
Bed, Bath and Beyond.
Oh! [intense music.]
Another meme.
It's so offensive! And not a single one of them give me props for being perky after having two kids.
- Phone for Leon.
- I can say it, Ramona.
- Then why didn't you? - Because, what's the point? [phone buzzing.]
Ooh! (Mo) Hey, Mr.
Network President Oh! Mo! You picked up.
Hey, my favorite funny lady.
How are you doing? Big day today.
First day back on the show.
So, you're calling to tell me, I got the part, right? The network loved your audition.
They loved it.
We were roaring.
Yes.
But the network really wants you to focus on "The Lunch Hour.
" You're calling to tell me I didn't get the part.
Is that what you're saying? You're, you're telling me that you're passing? No, no, no, not passing per se.
Was it Maxine? That bitch.
Some of the upper brass felt that you didn't have the right chemistry.
Chemistry? What the fuck? I mean, no wonder your primetime line up is tanking.
You are a very important part of the NEB family, Mo.
Very important Mo? [bleep.]
just watch me [bleep.]
explode.
Come on! Move.
I've been telling you, we're screwed.
They're subpoenaing my phone records.
Damn, this thing is not going away.
No, it's not.
In fact, it's getting way too close.
And I don't know how to shut it down.
(Maxine) In all my years reporting the news I've interviewed presidents, princes, and pop stars.
But there are other voices that I wanted to be heard.
So, a decade ago I created a show where woman could sit down and say what's on their minds.
And, boy, do they ever! We have a real slice of American pie who puts faith and family first.
A Pulitzer prize winning journalist with a passion for justice.
A child star who is all grow up.
Her POV is OMG.
She's back.
The outrageous, outspoken the one and only, Mo.
And me, Maxine Robinson! I'm in the left chair every day at noon.
On, "The Lunch Hour.
" Where no topic is taboo.
The DTAs were great! I'm not saying who but someone let's call her, I don't know Star Jones got into this thing with someone let's call her uh, Sharon Osborne Oh, my gosh, I'm totally making up those names.
Okay, can you like save some oxygen for the rest of us in here? - Yeah, okay.
- We were all at the DTAs.
And I'm sure there are plenty stories that that are more interesting for you guys to hear, right? Yeah, like, my stories, like I was telling Do you know, I have the talking stick.
I'm sure we all can agree with the highlight of the evening was when I received that award in that awesome dress.
Do you have the picture of the dress? Ahh! Look at that dress.
Oh.
I was so stoked when I heard that we won I was in the bathroom which was a And I think the other highlight of the evening was Heather's headlines.
Mo, no, please, please, I'm Some haters said that they were lowlights.
- We weren't gonna talk about - That is not okay.
We can't talk about Heather's boobs? I thought we couldn't talk about Maxine's vagina which for the record I'm not talking about your vagina I'm talking about the fact that I can't talk about your vagina.
What is happening on the show today? We are talking censorship.
Keep up.
Mo, can talk about whatever she'd like.
So, far it's still a free country.
Oh, great, now I don't have anything to say.
Well, if anyone finds my DTA, I kinda lost it.
Um, I think I left it in the Uber oh, with my purse which I, which I also lost.
Kibbs, I think you lost your ever loving mind.
Well, if anyone finds that and returns it to me then you get a free "Lunch Hour" tote.
Alright, Maxine, say what you need.
Enough about the DTAs and Mo's return.
- Let's talk about babies.
- Talk about - Nina! - Thank you, Maxine.
Well, I have got some great tips on how to make a happy baby in utero.
They can wait until they're fully formed adults to be miserable.
Nina, pregnancy is supposed to be the most wondrous time of a woman's life, so, I've heard.
So, can you please put a smile on your face for your next maternity segment? Like this? Dealing with second trimester hemorrhoids.
Well, suck it up.
I see your face I'm wanna turn the channel.
And I suspect most of America feels the same way.
Well, I am sorry, I'm doing the best I can with this fluff.
There's real arrogance in that attitude.
Well, I think you're risking patronizing your audience.
I think you're risking patronizing me.
Kudos to you Kibby, you saved us out there.
Oh! Oh, man you were so funny.
Kibby, keep doing whatever you're doing.
Okay, I'm on the DTA high and like 30 cups of coffee.
So, ha-ha.
Kibby is only funny because I came back, okay.
Obviously I elevate the conversation.
Any network would know that except this one.
- You didn't get the pilot? - I didn't really want it.
It needs to be a network that deserves me.
Wait, wait, I rehearsed with you.
You did amazing, baby.
I'm allowed to call you baby now in the public, right? It's all good.
Come on, baby - I owe you one.
- Yes! Hey, did you want me to tear Mo a new one for mentioning your, um Vagina? No.
It's fine.
Well, she is in breech of contract, we could always This just came for you, Shawn.
I think it's from Oprah.
Okay, uh.
.
Why'd they subpoena my phone records? What the hell? Why would they? Uh, you know what? It's no big deal.
I'll handle it, okay? Handle it? Shawn, how do you handle a subpoena? Even Maxine's not that powerful.
Uh, she'll figure something out.
Baby, this is the one thing that she can't control.
Hey, so, what were they asking you the other day at the police station? I mean, they were just drilling down for details about the night that Ted died.
But I couldn't give 'em much.
- Well, why not? - I wasn't there.
I was at a graduation party wasted.
You? Wasted? I mean, you barely drink.
I was wild back in the day.
I actually, hardly remember what happened that night.
Wow, even I haven't heard of these wild Shawn stories.
There's a reason for that.
Um, there's a lot I don't know about you, player.
"You can do anything that your heart desires.
" I mean, this script is so lame.
Oh, my gosh, seriously? Like, "Lacey From Outer Spacey" is Shakespeare or something? Can you just help me with my audition, please? I mean, you were the one who said you'd help me.
- Remember? - I know I did.
But, it's just that Tan, I gotta be honest with you about something.
I'm having a hard time with this.
The thought of you doing the show with Vance.
Tandy I mean, this script sucks, right? It's really bad and being a child actor is hard enough.
- But if you really wanna - You think I suck, right? - What? No.
- Just say it.
You, you're scared that I'm gonna embarrass you in front of Vance.
That's not it at all.
Then why won't you help me? Huh? Because, I-I don't think you're ready.
I think you need a lot of training.
Because you only get one shot in this business.
[upbeat music.]
Darling, I think you should know what your police department is up to? Subpoenaing my phone records and my son's.
This is harassment.
It needs to be stopped.
Maxine, I can't do anything about that? You're the deputy mayor.
Do something with your title.
You know my show employs over 200 tax paying citizens.
Not to mention the tourists that come and see it.
And then go across the street and eat at Shake Shack.
And then drop buckets of dollars on "I Love New York" t-shirts.
Maxine, what do you want from me? The police should focus on real crime.
- Drugs, theft.
- I hear you, Maxine.
Get them off my back now or it won't be pretty.
You know, my sister's boy wants to break into the business.
Yes, uh, we can give your nephew an internship, see? I knew there was a way we could work things out.
[upbeat music.]
Just like that, the case is over.
When I'm so damn close.
It's rules like "Thou shall not kill" just for little people and suckers, huh? - Siri, get me the asshole.
- Jason Abel! Jason, you passed on Mo for the Vance Gordon Sitcom.
What happened to Mo? I thought she killed at the auditions.
Well something died, here.
You can see for yourself.
(Mo's recorded act) I won't tell your dad this time, Jozy.
"because living with your mistake is punishment enough.
" (male #1) I promise I won't do it again.
"But if this behavior" Well, I can't do this [bleep.]
.
Okay, this is how it should go.
Listen, your behavior you keep acting up like this [bleep.]
I'mma knock your ass till it hits your head.
You entitled [bleep.]
off it.
You think anybody gives a shit.
that your mother is dead? (male #2) Um, can we stick to the script? It's a family comedy.
Where's the [bleep.]
comedy? She is awful.
Truly awful.
- Let's watch it again.
- We've watched it eight times.
You think it's too late to call Jason? For what? She stinks.
He'd have to be an idiot to actually give her the part.
That's what I'm counting on.
[upbeat music.]
Brad's actually okay with the kids going to the Crossroads.
I'm sure he calls it a hippy-dippy school with pot smoking parents, and barefoot kids.
- Is it? - Yeah! But, Ella can be Ella and.
.
, as long as the kids are happy.
I mean, screw Nina and her stalker.
Metal detectors at work? We're living in a police state.
But you can't be too careful these days.
What? Yeah! Keys kill! Ready.
Good Morning.
Ow! Shit! It was the white girl.
It was the white girl you saw that.
Oh! Ah! My gun, must have set it off.
I probably should have taken that out.
Don't worry, I have a concealed weapons permit.
Come on, Mo.
We're gonna be late.
You don't want Maxine to be mad.
I bring my gun to work every day, ladies.
It's fine.
Hell, no, Annie Oakley.
What the hell are you doing with a gun? Yeah, Heather! Are you freakin' insane? Guns are scary.
There is no reason for anyone to bring a weapon to work.
I agree.
I was the one who was threatened.
With a selfie stick.
The point being I would never bring a gun to work.
Hey, ladies, while I respect your very liberal and left-minded opinions about this matter may I remind you that I am well within my rights to carry a firearm? Besides [screaming.]
And it's pink.
I don't see what the big fuss is.
I carry my gun safe and sound in my purse inside of my drawer which I lock.
No big deal.
No big deal, my ass.
Heather, a gun is not costume jewelry.
Do you know how many black people die from guns? Ladies, I am protected by the Second Amendment which gives me the right to bear arms - Every man is - Ladies, enough! This is not the time nor place to have this discussion.
We will continue a civilized discussion where it belongs.
The law is very clear, as a citizen of New York and a lawful holder of a concealed weapons permit I'm allowed to carry my gun wherever I want as long as there are no signs prohibiting it.
Look around, ladies, there are no signs.
No one thought we needed a no-gun sign plastered on the set of a daytime talk show for women.
- She has a point.
- Fancy makes people safe.
- What? - Fancy? Fancy's what I have named my gun.
But it's a gun, not a Pomeranian.
My aunt had a Pomeranian named Fancy.
Cute, but annoying.
Didn't know how to feel when they put her down.
Heather, the argument that you and your NRA friends make that guns deter violence is absolutely ridiculous.
Guns are almost never used in self-defense.
And when they are, they always result in a more dire outcome.
No, I don't, I don't know, Nina, look.
I actually think people have the right to strap up.
- Thank you, Mo.
- But not your crazy ass.
You think I trust you with a weapon? You can barely use a can opener without hurting yourself, Heather.
Come on, stop it.
You know, let's check in with our social media to see what they say about this topic.
Ooh.
Please, take your fantasies somewhere else, creepers.
Yeah, I'm a responsible gun owner and I carry it everywhere I go.
Keep that in mind next time you try to cut in front of her at communion.
[instrumental music.]
Jason, listen to me, Mo's humor is broad and vulgar but a sitcom with a laugh track? That seems like the perfect vehicle.
Let her audition again.
She wasn't used to the format or the, the rhythms "The Lunch Hour" should be her priority.
The sitcom will just be a distraction.
Mo's capable of multitasking.
I assume you're gonna be shooting in New York, right? Well, I mean, we'd have to if we went with Mo to accommodate her schedule.
Tandy, hey, can I talk to you for a second? No.
Seriously, I'm about to audition, to get in the zone.
Are you trying to sabotage me now? - No.
- Uh, just talk to my manager.
- Tandy, please.
- What do you expect? - You told her she sucked? - That's not what I said.
I'm just trying to protect her.
You know what, maybe if you were this dramatic on camera you'd still have an acting career.
Well, maybe if you weren't so greedy you wouldn't be such a terrible mother.
Oh, good.
Why don't you go put in a nice word with Vance for your sister? "Josey, your mother will be with you at your birthday party in spirit.
" "But she won't really be there.
" "Josey.
" [sighs.]
Damn this.
Josey, let your mom's spirit follow the light where she could be with her dead relatives and pets and she No, wait.
T-t-those are not the lines.
If you want this part you're gonna have to stick with the script.
- It's not funny.
- It's a network comedy.
- It's not supposed to be funny.
- Why are you tryin' to help me? Well, because I told you I would support you.
- Clean slate.
- Really? Okay, well, I would hope that we're there 'cause we are on the same team, right? Of course.
Our friendly rivalry has become a fun part of our brands.
- Okay.
Fine.
- You know what, Mo? I wouldn't have hired you in the first place if I didn't think you're funny and certainly not re-hired you.
Well, I never would've taken the job in the first place if I didn't have to pay my goddamn rent.
Alright, let's, uh, let's just read the lines.
"Josey, I'll make this the best birthday party you ever had.
" Whoa, whoa, whoa! What you doing? It says you have to hug Josey Pinch.
I don't believe in hugs.
Well, neither do I.
You wanna get the part? Just pretend I'm a big bag of money.
Money.
Money, money, money, money.
Ah.
Really? Well, now you need to pretend I'm your doorman.
Thank you.
- Hm.
- Hm.
- Now say the line.
- Oh, [bleep.]
.
Okay.
Um.
"I will always be there for you, my little lovebug.
" - End scene.
- Ooh! Oh, thank God.
Vance, do not hire Tandy.
I mean it.
Jealousy is not becoming on you.
- Your sister deserves a shot.
- You're such a dick.
And the network makes the decisions, not me.
Don't act like you don't have a say.
Tank her audition! [chuckles.]
Calm down.
Calm down.
I swear to God, if you so much as look at her wrong I'll go public with everything.
And what are you gonna say, that I took advantage of you? Come on, Kibbs, you and I did not fall in love until you were, what, 18? Love? I was such a little idiot for believing you.
So smooth.
Protecting yourself while still being a perv.
And thanks for the drugs, by the way.
Uh-oh, that sounds like addict behavior blaming your actions on other people.
The difference is I didn't have anyone looking out for me but Tandy does.
Do you really expect people to believe you? Look at you.
Kibby, huh? Well, what-what do you want here? Uppers, downers, combo platter? [bleep.]
you.
Maybe no one will believe me, but do you really wanna take that chance? [exhales.]
I get the feeling that this is really important to you so I will push for somebody else.
Daddy comes through again! What do you mean she quashed it? Subpoena's gone.
It's over.
Let's celebrate.
Do you know how difficult it is to get rid of a subpoena? Uh, she must have pulled some serious strings.
- Whatever gets the job done.
- Shawn.
Think about it.
She lied about how long she was seeing William for.
Why? What else is she hiding that she has to pull in such favors? She's my mother.
She asked me to trust her and I'm going to.
Well, what exactly did she ask you to trust her about? - Nothing.
- Nothing? With how she's handling this.
You deserve to know the truth.
I know it.
Everyone knows it.
Ted fell.
- He hit his head and died.
- But you weren't even there.
You said it yourself, that you don't even remember what your mother told you that night.
Look, Nina, I don't need you to be an investigative journalist on this one.
Just leave it alone.
Well, that's interesting.
You were so worried about how my one lapse in journalistic ethics would jeopardize the show, yet a murder investigation involving your mother doesn't even faze you? The murder investigation that's now closed because there was no murder, Nina.
Look.
[sighs.]
Can we just let it go? Babe, I'd really like to just focus on the future.
I mean, I feel like we're finding our way back to a really good place again.
Me, too.
So, can we just let it go? Well, Nina, I was happy and surprised to hear from you.
Yes, we ended on such an ugly note.
Well, maybe that's because you called me a psycho stalker on national television.
I'm so sorry.
I feel really bad about that.
I feel kinda bad, too.
Maybe sending you a big box of dog poop was a little over the top.
That was you.
Water under the bridge, right? So, um What's going on with you and Maxine? - Why do you wanna know? - Well, clearly She didn't wanna keep you on the show.
And we both know that when somebody has something on Maxine she shuts them down hard.
Luckily, you've landed on your feet.
It must've been so tough to get another job in journalism.
- Oh, talent always rises to - Yo.
I asked you for an Espresso.
And, make it a ristretto not that sketch banana-nut spice crap.
And, don't forget to restock my mini fridge.
[chuckles.]
We're-we're a social news website which means we spend all day writing listicles like 20 Disney Princesses With Serious Bitch Face.
Hey, Bowen! Yay, me.
But it's not easy to get a decent internship at my age.
You must be so pissed.
That's a polite way of putting it.
So, then tell me why did Maxine wanna get rid of you so badly? I have evidence that she murdered her husband.
Oh, and since we're being real it wasn't dog poop.
[sniffing.]
Damn.
Hey, slow your roll, girl.
It's only 8 o'clock in the morning.
What's the big d? It works a hell of a lot better than coffee.
Okay, I'll take an 8-ball, please.
I thought you were only stickin' to Adderall.
I am.
This is just a special, like hump day/bump day treat.
Alright, well, as long as you remember to check yourself before your wreck yourself.
Alright? Okay, this whole drug-dealer- with-a-conscience thing is getting really annoying.
So, uh, here's your money.
- Give me my goods and go.
- Alright.
Hey, one love.
Okay.
Can you please just go? See ya.
Bye, you guys.
Have a good day at school.
Make good choices.
[gasps.]
Principal Freewoman.
Thank you so much.
Ella is so happy and trans and Savannah is confused but, she's getting used to it.
- You have been so welcoming.
- Stop.
We ask for consent before touching.
- And I'm denying.
- Oh.
Okay.
I am so sorry.
I'm also denying you access to the school.
Several parents caught your show and you must understand that guns terrify our students.
And they're not really a solution but if you insist on carrying one then we're going to have to reconsider your children's enrollment.
I thought this school was all about inclusivity.
And yet, here you are, outright excluding me and my children.
We are not excluding.
We're just extracting.
For the record, my gun has never gone off nor will it unless I'm protecting myself and my children.
I am not judging you.
We don't judge here.
Oh, but I think you do you alternative socialist hypocrites.
Thank you for speaking your truth, Heather.
And now here's mine.
If you wish your children to stay in this school there better not be a gun in your handbag tomorrow.
[school bell ringing.]
Yeah, well, gluten intolerance is a conspiracy created by the rice industry! Hey! Maxine! I just wanted to show you my new bag.
- Cute, right? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's very new-money-meets I-just-landed-a-major-role- on-a-network-sitcom.
You got the job.
Congratulations! Thank you! Girl, it's all about that double-income life, baby.
And I would not have been able to land this role if it weren't for you.
So, thank you.
Speaking of children, uh, you know what? I'm, I think I'm finally understanding what it feels like to have children.
Oh.
Mommy loves her so much.
- Are you breastfeeding? - Oh, gosh, she wouldn't latch.
No, really, like, she wouldn't latch.
The clasp broke, I had to take her back to be fixed but I wanted to ask you real quick.
What do you think about having Vance Gordon on the show tomorrow? I mean, we can tell the world that I, Mo Evans is playing his wife and I'm bringing a little chocolate to the milk.
I think the network would love it.
That's why I love you, baby.
She needs a nap.
- Oh.
- You, what, what happened? You're so sleepy.
Okay.
[gibberish.]
Max, I appreciate you, girl.
Love ya! Hey, Kibbs.
Doin' a little spring cleaning? Yeah.
Yeah, I was feeling kind of repressed by my current setup, so, figured I'd rearrange some things.
Sometimes it, just moving a chair can make you feel refreshed, you know? - Nice bag.
- Oh, thank you.
I bought it with my new sitcom money.
Oh, you got the part.
Wow, congrats.
Thanks.
Did your sister hear anything? Oh, um, I-I don't think it's happening for her.
Oh, that's too bad.
Vance really liked her.
I bet he did.
Look, Mo, I got to warn you.
Vance, he sucks.
Like, he's the mayor, treasurer, and president of-of Suck Town.
Working with him, it-it, it's a nightmare.
Hm.
You know what, Kibbs? Maybe you need to worry about yourself, you know? Are you coming down with a cold or something? You're doing an awful lot of sniffling.
No, I'm-I'm fine.
Um Can you go? You're kinda harshing my feng shui.
Well, I am so happy you are doing "The Lunch Hour" tomorrow.
I think our audience is gonna flip over your new show.
It's crap, but they're paying me a ton of money so, you know, whatever.
Right? What's it gonna be like to work with Mo? Oh, she is so down to earth and easy.
Uh, absolutely no ego with her.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
You know, that brash personality she flaunts on stage it's just an act.
She's as sweet as a wallflower.
Alright.
Well, then this is gonna be fun.
[chuckles.]
They're not making you shoot in New York, are they? Ah, on-on account of Mo, I think we kinda have to.
She can't be in two places at once.
Yeah, I guess not.
- Not that that's your problem.
- It kinda is.
I mean, to tell you the truth, it's a huge pain in my ass.
I mean, everything's in LA.
I got my house, my kids Oh, darling, you are Vance Gordon.
If you don't want to pick up your life and move to New York for some crappy sitcom put your foot down.
I'm sure they'll cave.
And then what? I mean, what, y-you and I would fight over Mo? Darling, I would never fight.
There are a lot of other co-hosts out there but only one Emily Pinch.
[chuckles.]
[instrumental music.]
[knocking on door.]
Maxine, you got a sec? Uh, if you're trying to get out of doing the story on pregnancy sandals tomorrow, forget it.
No.
No, as much as I loathe these insipid pieces you keep on assigning me, this isn't about that.
This is about Shawn and the investigation into your husband's death.
And I think you should know how stressful it's been for him.
Well, it isn't easy for me, either.
Oh, these detectives need to get a hobby.
I just think he would feel a lot better if you told him what actually happened the night of his death.
I've told him everything he needs to know.
So, if you will excuse me I have a show to prep.
I spoke to Anna Course.
She told me that you killed Ted.
Uh, you're gonna take the word of a woman who has proven herself unstable on national television.
Actually, my instincts are telling me that Anna is onto something.
I think you're forgetting this, Maxine, but I am a journalist.
Oh, yeah.
And so am I.
So, if you wanna dig, let's dig.
Don't think that I haven't forgotten about your own skeletons in your closet.
I don't have any.
I bet your ex-husband begs to differ.
It's never too late to find out, is it? You know what, Maxine, there is nothing to know.
Andrew's a spiteful person and he'll say just about anything.
Nina, darling, if you wanna continue meddling in my business, go ahead.
But be forewarned.
When they go low, I go lower.
Hey, thanks for letting me swing by before work.
NBD.
That's how we talk around here.
It's really cool.
Saves like three minutes a day.
Doesn't NBD have the same exact number of syllables as no big deal? - Hey, Anna.
- Hm.
Ah.
I'm rebranding.
I'm super-close to getting my own listicle.
Yeah? Can you restock the fridge with kombucha? Just give me a second.
Bo, I'm currently in the midst of scheming to take down my old boss with my former nemesis.
Sweet.
He's so cool.
I'm totally DTF.
So, Anna, you said on the phone that you had something for me.
Yes, right.
I'm sorry.
This is the police investigation into Ted's death.
Apparently, Maxine had it killed.
TBH, that's what she does.
These are the actual police files? Mm-hmm, the detective in charge was taken off the case and he was pissed AF.
Twist, he gave the files to me.
Hm.
Spoiler alert, Queen Maxine once again.
Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
Mm-hmm.
What's this? Nothing you need to worry about.
It's just a crappy mix tape of mine from the '90s.
God, I loved Hootie & The Blowfish.
[knocking on door.]
One second.
[knocking on door.]
Uh, come in.
- Uh, five minutes? - Yeah.
Actually, I-I was coming to ask if you would do me a big favor.
Do you think you could ask Vance if he would take a selfie with me after the show? I saw him getting miked in the back.
Vance is here? He's doing the show? Yeah, and I'm a really big fan and I Actually I used to have a big crush on him, so - Get out.
- Okay, sorry.
- But now it's four minutes - Get out! Sorry.
[door shuts.]
[indistinct chattering.]
Hey, what happened to you earlier? Thought we were going out to breakfast.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I had some errands to run.
- Is everything okay? - Mm-hmm.
One minute! One minute! Hey! Excuse me.
Alright, hold the baby while I'm at work.
Mommy's gotta bring home the bacon.
Ooh.
Hello! Yo, kid, you better check yourself! You do not want a piece of me.
- You okay, baby? - Man.
You're sweeter to this purse than you are to me.
But that's because that purse holds my money without spending it.
Oh, look here.
I think you need to do some talking to Kibby.
Why is my hair so flat today? It's looks really, really, really bad! Can you do something about this? Yeah, she's looking very Lindsay Lohanish circa 2006.
Well, should we try parting it on the other side so it's not as [bleep.]
just flat? I'll speak to her after the show.
I need clips, I need clips.
Aria! Mm-hmm.
Your problem.
So, I walked right back into that audition room and I said, "Oh, no, I am not done.
You bitches are going to give me another chance.
" She killed it! You are so fun.
- Thank you.
- Oh, that's our Mo, so funny! So, Vance, uh, Mo will be playing your wife? Oh, wait.
Wait a minute.
Mo's gonna play Vance's wife? But how will that work since you don't really do age appropriate? That is an interesting point, not only will the show be diverse, but finally we will see an age appropriate spouse Hey, Nina, do you, like, try to be boring? Sorry, go back to talking about Vance's relationships.
So, uh, tell me, will your second wife be as mellow as your IRL wife? Since we all know she puts up with a lot.
- Is she high? - Okay, Kibby.
All cameras off Kibby.
Come on, we all know I'm a handful both off and on camera.
Oh, he's a handful.
Now, speaking of relationships we have a little surprise for you.
It is time to introduce America to the young actress who'll be playing Vance's daughter And my stepdaughter.
Okay, that's the whole point of the show.
Please welcome, Tandy Ainsley! What? [audience cheering.]
Well, we wanted to surprise you, Kibby.
Isn't this fun, passing the baton to your kid sister? Yeah, it is so cute.
The fake family keeping it on the real Tandy, are you F-ing kidding me? Sister, hi.
Aww.
So, apparently, I can act.
She was terrific.
[audience cheering.]
(Sheree) They loved you.
How do you feel? You feel good? I was so nervous for you.
Every time I think you can't go any lower, you prove me wrong.
Careful, Kibby.
Green was never your color.
I'm not jealous! Uh, excuse me.
Kibby, I would like to speak with you.
Oh, is that what you like? Well, I don't care what you want.
Kibby, you need to get a hold of yourself.
- How could you do this to me? - Oh.
Kibby, you need to dry out now.
I have invested a lot in you.
Oh, is that what I am, just some investment? [sighs.]
[indistinct chattering.]
Oh, Maxine, um, what's the matter with Kibby? Oh, she'll be fine.
So, I have a little announcement for you two.
We are so excited about "In A Pinch" we wanna give it the best possible production value we can get, so we've decided to shoot it in LA.
- Ah! - Oh, LA as in Los Angeles? - Los Angeles.
- Yeah! Oh, Mo, what a shame.
And so soon after you came back to "The Lunch Hour.
" (Vance) You're gonna love it out there.
- What the fudge? - Have you seen Kibby? Have you seen this sign? Not cool! I can't bring my gun here Heather, I don't have time for this.
I need to find Kibby.
You don't have time for the Second Amendment? Back off, Heather.
You know, this California shit has Maxine Robinson written all over it.
[sighs.]
Not now, Mo.
You knew exactly what you were doing.
And it's a shame you didn't.
Oh, there she is.
[gasping.]
What the f - Okay, you should stop.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
- Kibby.
Kibby.
How does it feel, asshole? - Kibby, no! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God.
Kibby, please put down the gun.
- No, I'm not gonna let him touch her! - Kibby! I'm not gonna let him get away with this! - Put down the gun! - Everybody look out! [all gasping.]
[gunshot.]