DC's Legends Of Tomorrow (2016) s04e07 Episode Script

Hell No, Dolly!

1 Previously on "Legends of Tomorrow" An unknown number of other dangerous magical beings got spat out across the timeline and now must be sent to hell.
Your shapeshifting days are over, sweetheart.
- No! - Is that a Kaupe? This is a prison, Mona.
And they are our prisoners.
Not our friends.
People around me get hurt, killed, or far, far worse.
But you can't mess with your past.
Order up.
Next one.
I want a little more Hey Ah-whoo Hey Ah-whoo Hey Oi, oi! Wake up, John-O.
Piss off, will you? Oh, not today, you lying geezer! [SQUELCHING.]
What the Now, you said that my shapeshifting days were over.
You call that abomination shapeshifting, do you? Well, if I can shift at all, that means that your spell is reversible.
You see, that's where you're wrong, sweetheart.
There's no taking it back.
Smart man like you, John-O, you can figure it out.
Yeah, well mortal life is full of disappointments.
Best get used to it, love.
It's all right.
That's all right.
You know how I survived in the prison dimension? Trading favors.
Now, sooner or later, you're gonna need something from me.
Then we'll talk, chum.
Thanks for staying at my place this time.
Oh, I love sleeping next to you.
I just wish that your place didn't mean sharing a bathroom with Beer.
- Yes, Garima.
- Beer.
It's the only word Rory taught her.
Wait, Rory's still using Brigid's diary? That thing is an ancient magical artifact.
Yeah, but it keeps him happy.
Sara, be reasonable.
You can't let Rory keep the diary.
I see you've met Garima.
What she lacks in vocabulary she makes up for in personality.
And everyone knows that a happy Mick is better for the entire ship.
Killer 'stache.
- Interesting.
- You think? I had Gideon stimulate my hair follicles to grow it overnight.
I read in one of Nora's letters that she had a thing for mustaches, so I Sorry, but how are we all being so blasé about the diary? What if Rory goes from writing sci-fi to horror? Do you want killer clowns running around the ship? The only killer on this ship is the amount of sugar in this cereal.
"Big Easy-O's"? They taste like beignets.
So sweet it makes your lips pucker.
- Oh! - There's a quiz on the back.
Who is the most prolific serial killer - in the United States? - Ted Bundy.
Although in my opinion John Wayne Gacy had way more victims than he confessed.
What? Everyone has their hobbies.
Well, sorry, Ava, but according to this not-so-kid-friendly cereal, is answer is New Orleans' own Marie Laveau.
What? A high-profile female serial killer? No, I would have heard of her.
The box is wrong.
Unless Gideon? You are correct, Captain.
It appears a Fugitive is on the loose in New Orleans in 1856.
According to local lore, there were a series of murders perpetrated by a criminal who could walk through walls.
Sounds like we're going mindhunting in the Big Easy.
Gideon, plot a course.
You just ran into my car, earmuffs.
But your car This scratch will easily cost you a couple hundos.
You want me to pay for it? Yes.
No worries, sir.
I can have the money tomorrow.
They really need to stop giving delivery girls drive-ons.
I'm actually Assistant Coordinator of Creature Upkeep.
Ahoy, matey.
It seem to be pirate day once again, ya scurvy wench.
- Argh.
- Argh.
Don't be late again or Ava will give you another peg leg.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, Catch-a-Predator, what was that? Well, that, my fellow rebound artist, - was flirting.
- Oh, Gary.
That was not flirting.
- No.
- What do you mean? I mean, I made extended eye contact, picked up on some personal information, and then I negged her.
All right, don't tell me you're falling for this, like, Neanderthal misogynistic dating advice.
You're a modern man surfing the sexual spectrum.
Just be cool and ask her out.
Or, and I'm just spitballing here, you can ask her out for me.
This isn't high school.
Oh, sorry.
High school's a bit of a trigger word for me.
You are really broken.
Okay, look, I will [CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm not gonna ask her out.
But I will do some recon.
You'll be my time-bro wingman? See, you do things like that, and it makes it very hard to help you, Gary.
All right, Legends.
Next stop, "N'awlins.
" We have a Fugitive serial killer, and it's a weird one.
Yeah, it says here that all of the victims were wealthy blonde ladies stabbed to death inside their locked bedrooms.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Blondes killed in locked rooms.
That's the MO of Mike the Spike.
Am I gonna find a murder board in your closet? New Orleans is a crap town.
Although anything's better than that tush tickler.
This? Well, the cops pinned it on voodoo priestess Marie Laveau, one of the only women of color with power living in 1856.
Surprise, surprise.
You stole my diary, weasel.
Oh, you mean the one that you nicked from my trunk? That one, eh? Gentlemen.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
I "mustache" you both to calm down.
Get out of my way, otherwise I'll knock that fur ball off your lip.
I confiscated the diary.
It's Time Bureau property now.
Don't worry, Rory.
Garima will always be right where she belongs.
In your imagination.
Garima Rory, look.
I'm sorry.
Ava was just doing her job, which is exactly what the rest of us need to do.
Ray, Mick, we're gonna protect the Fugitive's first victim, Miss Didi Charbonnet.
She's hosting a party this afternoon.
John, I need you to talk to Laveau.
Find out how she's mixed up in all this.
I'll go with him.
I love me some voodoo.
- Great.
- Zari, you're on their mission.
You can just say the B-team.
No, there's no There's no such thing as B-team.
But there is such thing as an A-team.
Laissez les bons temps rouler! [SWEEPING MUSIC.]
Belles calas, toutes chaudes! Wow, this doesn't even look like America.
Oh, it's not.
This is New Orleans, baby.
You've been here before? After London, best city in the world.
I mean, just look at this hodgepodge of humanity.
It's the perfect place to pick a face and just have some fun.
John? You okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just, uh This city just brings back memories, is all.
Monsieur Constantine.
Would you come with me, please? [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, I'm not really in the habit of going home with strangers, mate.
At least not recently.
Not again.
Oh, what Oh, no.
This is not good.
Bloody New Orleans! [GASPING, COUGHING.]
Ah, Priestess Laveau.
Oh, cheers, love.
You saved me the trouble of finding you.
That was a little bit theatrical, to be honest with you, but then again, I do appreciate a flair for the dramatic.
- You have something of mine.
Oh, I have no idea what you're on about.
I felt its presence as soon as you arrived in New Orleans.
This medallion honors Saint Marron, the patron saint of runaway slaves.
Now, what do you know about bondage, mon cher? Buy me a pint at the local pub, and I'll tell you all about it, love.
You don't have to say a thing.
I am back, and it is time for me to cook you breakfast.
One full English coming up.
Hey, Johnny.
I hope that I'm forgiven Dez, you, uh you have to leave town.
This thing that's after me, it's no ordinary demon.
This medallion has been in my family for generations.
It's imbued with a protection spell.
Take it, Johnny.
As long as you promise to leave town.
It's just until I get this mess sorted out, all right? - All right.
- All right.
My great-great-grandson.
He must have loved you to give you my medallion.
Did you love him? [LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
Does anyone have eyes on the Fugitive's first victim? Annoying blonde in the middle.
- That's Didi Charbonnet.
Stay with her.
According to Gideon, the murder is going to happen within the hour.
What kind of Fugitive stabs a woman? I know a woman I could stab.
Rhymes with Shava.
Rory, play nice.
Don't worry, I can handle myself against the cretin.
Whatever, man-pants.
Look, I know you're mad at Ava right now, but she's right.
The diary is not a toy.
Garima helped me write.
Would you just try to be nice to her, please? For me? Guys, keep an eye on the creepy ginger by the door.
Copy that.
We have a possible Fugitive alert.
Gideon, we can't find John, and he's not on comms.
Constantine has refused to wear his communications device.
Stupid blighter.
However, Captain Lance requested I fabricate a tracker in every pair of his undershorts.
That cheeky little minx.
Okay, great.
As soon as you trace him, send us his location.
Tell me what happened to my Desmond.
A demon.
Dez was collateral damage.
Just go ahead and curse me, all right? 'Cause I bloody deserve it.
Why would I curse the man who could save the last of my line? You don't understand.
Dez is gone.
No amount of magic can bring him back.
Save my kin.
Let him go! Hey, hey, that's a nice rescue, loves, but, uh, Priestess Laveau and I were just, uh, just having a little chat, weren't we? Now to our business.
Have you sensed any other magic in your city besides my own and theirs? I've sensed a spirit.
A Dybbuk.
And, like you, from another time.
What's a Dybbuk? It's the dislocated soul of a dead person.
Someone so wicked that their spirit never crossed over.
Sara? I don't think he's a Fugitive.
I think this guy's just looking for the bathroom.
What's going on? This doll is going to kill my mama.
This doll? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Sara, is it possible that our Fugitive killer is a possessed doll? Horror movie 101.
Well, hello, dolly.
Wrong doll, ya dick! Well, we'd best be going, then.
If we don't catch this Dybbuk then the good people of New Orleans will blame you for its mayhem.
I believe this belongs to you, Monsieur Constantine.
Guys, this Fugitive we're looking for is an evil spirit.
Damn it, Ray, where the hell are you? Ray? [EERIE MUSIC.]
What happened? [SOBS.]
Sara, any sign of the Fugitive? I think we may have a Chucky situation here.
What does that mean? I reckon the Dybbuk is in a doll.
Rory, Ava, Sara needs backup.
A word.
I'm all ears.
You, uh, still want your powers back, yeah? Come on then.
All right.
Come on, big guy.
Sara Oh, I had the weirdest dream.
I dreamed that I was attacked by a doll! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I'm gonna kill you, Goldilocks! [GRUNTING.]
You're late.
Still moving.
Kill it! No, no, no, no, no.
We need to question it and find out if it's really Mike the Spike.
Who are you? Your worst nightmare.
I brought you some meat.
Oh, my cut.
Um I stupidly ran my bike straight into this guy's car door.
No, he didn't look before he opened the car door.
I know, I know.
I shouldn't have to pay, but I don't want to lose the world's best job.
You're a really good listener, you know that? [GIGGLES.]
What happened? Did someone hurt you? [WHIRRING.]
So how does helping you make me a shapeshifter again? Well, it's simple, really.
If I never meet Desmond, then this demon scum that's after me doesn't hurt him, which means that my guilt-ridden ass never joins the Legends and doesn't turn up to London to give you a magical lobotomy.
- Now - Simple.
Now, the me from five months ago is having a drink in there.
Now, I'll recognize you as Amaya.
All you have to do is play the part, all right? American accent, stick up my bum, and in love with Nate.
Do me a favor, just Make sure I get out of there before I meet Dez, all right? - All right.
- Okay.
I'll meet you back on the jumpship, John-O.
All right, Charlie-O.
Good luck.
John? As I live and breathe.
- Nice bonnet, love.
- Thank you.
Last I heard you were in, uh, Zambesi.
So where's Nate and the rest of the crew, then? Oh, Nate, my boyfriend.
And my crazy gang of best friends.
Oh, it is such a long story.
- Right.
- But a really good one.
How about I tell you all about it over a glass of chardonnay? Chardonnay, eh? All right, barkeep! Uh, no, no, not here.
I I know a better place.
All right, well, you owe me dinner.
That is a fair price.
All right, go on.
Order up! Hey, Mona.
How's life? Liking the Time Bureau? Settling in? Dating anyone? Uh, good, great, yes.
I mean, there is someone.
Lay it on Nate.
I think it might be inappropriate.
'Cause I work here.
And he's here too? Wow.
Yeah, I think I know who you're talking about, and trust me, he has a crush on you too.
- He does? - Mm-hmm.
I swore I was just imagining it.
We don't even, like, speak the same language.
Well, he does have a unique way of expressing himself.
I'm afraid people would think it was weird.
I mean, that hair.
Well, he just needs the right product.
What about the man meat? [QUIRKY MUSIC.]
Um, well, what What about it? I think he's, you know [WHISPERING.]
Had some.
It wouldn't surprise me.
I mean, it's 2018.
I don't judge.
Mm, I should probably forget about it.
Carpe datum.
What do you got to lose? My job.
I will make sure you're not fired for following your heart.
I'll do it.
I'm gonna let him know how I feel.
One thing I learned from the Chucky movies is the doll always comes back.
Gideon, how's the timeline? History is on track, and Marie Laveau lived a long and celebrated life, inspiring an Emmy-nominated portrayal by Angela Bassett.
See? Rory killed the Dybbuk.
Which is unfortunate because now I have to explain to Mr.
Heywood why I'm bringing him a seared doll instead of a magical creature.
Well, at least we get to find out why they call it the Big Easy.
Did you happen to notice that Rory robbed that party blind? I believe it.
I don't understand why you enable his bad behavior.
At the Bureau, we would fire people for lesser offenses.
Well, at the Bureau, you don't have to eat, drink, and sleep with your team.
Point taken.
It's just this is supposed to be a professional operation, babe.
Look, deep down, Rory's a good guy.
And, honestly, a friend.
I get it.
You run your team, I'll run mine.
- Thank you.
- Speaking of, I should get back to the Bureau.
How 'bout you stay for dinner? I could use a shower.
It's not like that thing's going anywhere.
So? When are these changes to history gonna set in? 'Cause you know I've got some big plans.
I'm actually thinking of Vegas first.
Well, time takes a moment to cement, or so I'm told enough by Sara.
But don't worry, love, we'll have you shapeshifting again in no time.
John-O? You all good? We stopped me from meeting Dez tonight, but now I meet him a few days later instead.
We have to go back.
I'm afraid returning to New Orleans is impossible, Mr.
And why is that? Because I know you two are up to something.
And as much as I hate babysitting, I hate being played even more.
Gideon, bring them back to the Waverider.
They have some serious explaining to do.
Here's one thing you need to understand, is that I don't go in for all that love crap.
Romance is for little girls crying into their pillows, not for a devious tosser like me who knows the score.
But then six months ago, I met him.
And that first night was like a second line had marched into my useless heart and breathed some life into it again.
Desmond knew who I was, exactly what I'd done, and he didn't care.
So I was all in.
Rented an apartment.
And then this demon shows up.
Wanted me to help him usurp the triumvirate ruling hell.
Well, he must have had something on you to expect that.
The deed to my soul.
When I die, the bastard owns me.
And he's already worked out lots of excruciating torments for yours truly in the inferno.
So, naturally, I told Neron to piss off.
I begged Dez to run.
I knew that Neron would use him against me.
The bloody fool didn't listen.
So Neron dragged Dez to hell because of me.
I didn't think there was a way I could save him.
That's the thing about time travel, right? There's always a way.
I joined the Legends thinking I could outrun my guilt, but being back in New Orleans, I realize I was just taking the coward's way out.
So I had to save him.
Now that you, uh, know what we was up to, uh, do you mind explaining why it didn't work? Some points in history are fixed.
Maybe John and Desmond were supposed to meet.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna do everything I can to find a loophole to save Desmond and keep history intact.
You do that, love.
I know.
Um, an unscheduled visit.
It's good to see you too.
I brought you something.
Uh, "O o mona ko'u inoa Mona.
O wai kou inoa? Konane.
Um "Shining like the moon.
" That's a really pretty name.
That's me.
E holo a huna! - A huna! - Well, "a huna" - Uh - [GROWLING.]
"Run and hide.
" Is someone coming? Mona.
Hello? Is someone there? [SIGHS.]
Compelling story back there.
Still, you're hardly the kind of guy to open up, unless, of course, you were stalling.
Well, you see, magic has rules, just like time travel, and I just so happen to write the book on breaking them.
So, if meeting Desmond is a fixed point in time, then I need to go back to after I met him.
Stop him from falling for me.
That's how I save Desmond's life.
History be bloody damned.
Well, you went all-out.
What the hell is he doing here? Leaving.
Both of you.
Please look.
I roasted a roast.
Technically, Captain, I fabricated Shut up, Gideon.
Ava, you are my love, and Mick, you are my family, and it would mean the world to me if both of you would try to get along.
So I was thinking maybe you two could find some common ground.
- For example Ava, you love to read.
Mick here is an author.
Well, that's something.
Though I would be shocked if his novel wasn't sexist and derivative.
It is.
Okay, well, Mick, you love to eat.
Ava is a fantastic baker.
She makes one mean snickerdoodle.
Fancy sugar cookies.
Snickerdoodles are actually completely different.
It's a cream of tartar base, but - Garbage cookies.
- That's rich, coming from a man who's so lacking in personal hygiene that he had to resort to sleeping with a three-breasted alien sex toy.
Well, at least Garima isn't a clone.
Only I get to use the C word.
Too far, Mick.
Too far.
Why do you get to have a fake girlfriend, and I don't? Clone.
Any luck? I'm sorry, John.
Sometimes with history, if you change one thing, it creates a whole domino effect.
It's all right.
Listen, I I get being tempted to save someone you love.
The anger and frustration.
It's John? Yep.
Turn around.
I I'd rather not.
That is the last time that I try that.
I thought you couldn't You know what, it doesn't matter.
Where is John? [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
The last time we did something like this, we almost destroyed the entire world.
All right, all right.
Okay, enough.
How are you planning to find John? Well, his tracker - Which you told him about.
- Yep.
Old John-O's changing history commando.
You know, I understand why John's being so colossally stupid, but what's your excuse? I'm dying.
What? Look, every time that I shapeshift, it's like I'm born all over again.
But stuck in this body for the first time in centuries, I'm getting older.
But if John saves Desmond, then he never joins the Legends, and I'm immortal again.
Let me get this straight.
You helped John risk a catastrophic rupture to history because you're afraid of aging? Okay.
Maybe John succeeds and you go on your immortal, merry way.
But if he fails, I will personally make sure you spend the rest of your short, dreary, human life in the deepest, darkest prison cell the Bureau has to offer.
Let's move.
Look, I'm I'm sorry.
This is my fault.
I shouldn't have forced it on you and Mick.
He was just stating a fact, you know.
I am a clone.
No, it's okay.
Sometimes I just wish I could be more like you and the Legends, you know.
Loosen up.
I When did that happen? What? Oh, no.
I'll get a broom.
Ava, wait.
Are those tiny little footprints? The Dybbuk is alive.
What? Okay, we shouldn't split up.
Classic horror-movie mistake.
Well, we're not exactly helpless.
I'll go fix Gideon.
And I'm gonna go catch a serial killer! You are way too excited about this.
I want to do a lot of things [CELL PHONE CHIMING.]
What the hell? [TENSE MUSIC.]
How the bloody hell did you find me? John, you have to stop this.
If Desmond isn't dragged to hell and you don't join the Legends, the effects could be cataclysmic.
Neron didn't drag Dez to hell.
I did.
What do you mean? When I told Dez to run, he went behind my back.
Made a deal to protect me.
In exchange for sparing my life, Dez had to bind his soul to Neron's.
I couldn't send Neron to hell without sending Dez down with him.
Johnny? Johnny.
Johnny! [SCREAMING.]
I killed the man I loved, and for what? To buy New Orleans a little more time? Neron needs souls to take over hell, and mark my words, he is coming back to Earth to get them.
John, we can help you.
Yeah, spare the team bit, all right? I work alone.
- You back already? - Yeah.
Dez, I'm, ah, back already.
Hey, Johnny.
And I hope that I'm forgiven Hey, Dez.
I'm gonna get some clothes on.
It will take a lot of prayers To save my soul [OMINOUS MUSIC.]
It's dead.
The Dybbuk must have found another vessel.
Is there another doll on the ship somewhere, Rory? [GLASS SHATTERS.]
What the hell was that? Block the exit.
Okay, so whatever it is, it has tiny little feet, so it's not that big.
Ya dumb blonde! It's not size that matters, it's how you use it! Agh! [SCREAMING.]
Agh! Agh! Ragh! Professor Stein? No! It's Mikey, you dick! [KNIFE CLANGS.]
Thank you.
It really is Mike the Spike.
Stop! - Where are you taking him? - You.
I am the Assistant Coordinator of Creature Upkeep.
It's my job to take care of magical beings.
- Not for long.
- Let him go! I'm warning you.
Konane, no! [GASPS.]
You have to go.
They'll kill you [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
- You okay? - Shh.
- Mike's up there.
- Mike the Spike? Yeah, and he's found a new vessel.
Much, much worse.
Hold on.
What could be worse than a creepy antebellum doll? [OMINOUS LAUGHTER.]
Where are the eggs? Thought you said you were gonna cook.
Yeah, I changed my mind.
I'll finish getting dressed, and we can go out to eat.
You know, it's, uh it's not about the breakfast, Dez.
I see what you're doing.
You know what your problem is, Johnny? You don't think you deserve to be happy.
Dez, your feelings for me are a bloody lie, all right? See, I just wanted to get you into my bed, but I couldn't be bothered to put the work in, so I used a love spell on you.
This a joke? Afraid not, mate.
Hey, uh I really care about you.
If there's something going on in your life, just be honest with me.
Yeah, do you know what? This thing between us? It isn't real.
It never was.
It doesn't exist.
I put myself out there like this, and you're playing games? You should go.
Yeah, you're right.
I should.
But this this thing between us? This was real, Johnny.
Sara, do you read me? John's done something awful.
Well, he hasn't done anything yet.
I'm still stuck in this form.
What's that? [GASPING.]
Guys! Guys, guys, guys! I have a real emergency here.
- Oh! - [LAUGHING.]
Marty! [GAGGING.]
Die, you putz! - [GASPING.]
- I hate puppets! [GRUNTS.]
Blast [SIGHS.]
Oi, Z! Check this out! I got my powers back! Don't be mad, I'm myself again.
Whoo! [LAUGHS.]
Where's Zari? Zari? [MEOWS.]
Oh, blimey.

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