Dead Boss (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
I now sentence you to twelve years.
Objection! Helen! Ms Grainger! You got to help me find Justin! Did you find out anything about that address I gave you? Mashta Fembwick? - Yes! - No.
Shit If a tree wins the lottery in a forest and nobody hears it, did it really win the lottery? What do you know about the missing money? - What's that? - It's a tiny little sex tape, Helen.
Shhh Where is it, you bastard? Can? Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard, and massive congrats on winning the first stage of your appeal.
If you can get out of prison after doing what you did to that family, then maybe, just maybe, so can I.
(CELL DOOR SLAMS) Stephens.
You're free to go.
I'm free? I'm a free woman? They quashed my case? Oh, God bless the British penal system and God bless No, no.
You're just free from solitary.
You've still got another decade plus 21 months to go in here.
Hmph! (HE SIGHS) Did you see Frozen Planet last night? No.
I've been in solitary confinement.
Aye.
A seal pup befriended a "penguine".
You mean a penguin? Whatever.
That seal pup has got a friend for life.
Anyway.
Got some news.
Er Yeah.
Laura's got her job back at Entirely Tiles so we have someone on the inside.
OK, that's good.
Erm Listen, I've got something to tell you.
Erm Mrs Bridges came to see me last week, and it turns out that she seems to think Yeah.
Right.
And you didn't think to mention this before? Don't get on your high horse with me, Tony.
I'm not getting on my high horse, I'm simply wondering why you've taken until now to tell me you were noshing off the man you're accused of murdering! - I still didn't kill him! - You should've told me.
If you don't trust me, we don't have a case.
Why should I? I'm still in prison for a crime I didn't commit.
You haven't found Justin, you haven't even traced that Mashta Fembwick address.
- It doesn't make any sense! - You can't even pronounce the word penguin! What're you doing to get me out of here, Tony? What have you been doing? What have I been doing? Getting to the bottom of your case.
This means more to me than 20 accidents in the workplace, 30 accidents even, including a very profitable fork-lift-truck impalement.
I'll see myself out.
You've done wonders with this institution, Margaret.
And you know how well you're regarded amongst those of us in the Ministry of justice.
Thank you.
- One is only trying to do one's job.
- Yes.
Which is precisely why we'd like you to move to Sheppey.
(SHE COUGHS) We think you could be the woman to lead Sheppey into the 21st century.
Well, at least the 20th.
But it's not without its charms, and I'm sure you'll enjoy the camaraderie of not being stuck in your own office.
Camaraderie? All the staff just muck in.
Yes, it is rather isolated, but the views of the oil rigs are second to none! When the rain stops.
(LAUGHS) I can see how much this deployment has captured your imagination.
We're still interviewing candidates for your replacement.
Governor Gorey is our favourite.
I know he has very different methods to you.
Big fan of an appeal.
Yes.
I'll see myself out.
Yes Congratulations, ma'am.
Not only am I behind you, but I'm beside you and with you every step of the way.
Viva la Sheppey.
Camaraderie.
What is happening? Please! Somebody help! That didn't work out as well as I'd planned.
Christine! What the hell do you think you're? I wanted to cover your eyes because Surprise! It's made from my total loo roll allowance over the last eight days! Well then what did? Doesn't matter.
Is that hair? It certainly is! Oh! Aw.
Girl on girl.
My favourite of all the actions.
This one's missed you.
Haven't you? I've got so many plans and dreams and plans and dreams and Yeah, well, you'll have to shelve them, because Stephens is being moved to D Wing.
My hair words! What? I don't like the sound of D Wing.
- I like it here, in P wing.
- Guv's orders.
Helen! Don't make any new friends! Helen! (CHRISTINE'S SHOUT REVERBERATES) How did it go? Did Stephens squeal? No, she didn't squeal, Mary, cos according to her, she don't know where the money is, or about no syndicate scam.
In fact, apparently she didn't even kill my Eric.
Told you Helen was innocent.
No.
She ain't innocent, Henry.
Did you know, "pour exampler", Helen was banging my dear husband? I think you must have the wrong Helen.
ERIC'S VOICE: I think I can, I know l can, I know l can.
- I know I can! I - Urgh! PHONE RINGS ON TAPE Think you'd better get that, Helen.
HELEN'S VOICE: Yeah, could be the Purbeck Marble people.
TAPE THUDS Where did you get that tape? Got something you want to get off your flat chest, Mary? I don't know what you're talking about.
Why'd you do it, Mary? Was you hoping for a promotion? Or a little Christmas boner? I I - You don't understand.
- Oh.
It was different with us.
He bought me an ergonomic swivel chair.
- I I meant something to him! - Course you did, Mary.
That's why your tape's got Amanda from logistics on the B side.
Right I don't think I can trust you two cats.
(MARY SOBS) - I can't believe it.
- You can't believe it? What about me? Not only was my husband tiled alive to death, but then I find out he's spent the last year of his life knobbing every bit of skirt in this office, including your precious Helen Stephens! I'm not saying that my share of the lottery winnings is going to make up for that, but as the saying goes, "Money is the Nurofen of the soul".
Don't worry.
We'll find that half million.
What? It's more like a million, Henry.
Oh.
Sorry, yes.
Yes, of course.
That's what I meant.
Yeah.
Bijou, innit? (HE LAUGHS SNIDELY) Now get used to it cos you're going to here a very, very long time.
(WATER RUNS) (SIGHS) This is shit! Yoo-hoo! Oh! Gee Just thought I'd pop in and say what ho and welcome to D Wing.
Oh.
Thanks.
I'd ask you in, but it's too bijou.
Well, what we lose in size we make up for in atmosphere! I'm Jo by the way.
Oh.
Sorry.
Helen.
Oh, what a pretty name! What are you in for, Helen? Well, murder - Oh! The girls are going to love you! - No, no.
I'm innocent.
I'm in for forgery.
(SHE GIGGLES) It's all really white collar stuff here in D Wing.
Fraud, tax evasion Wonderful to have a killer in our midst! I'm not a killer.
OK? Because I didn't do it.
If you don't mind I'm just going to sit down on this bed shelf thing and just be by myself! If you do feel up to it later on, I'm holding a mouthwash tasting at four in my cell, three doors down.
Love to see you there! I've got something to tell you.
It's This is difficult to say, but I'm going to try and find the right words.
Helen was regularly having her brains boffed out by Mr Bridges behind your back.
What? The randy old goat.
Aren't you upset? Yeah! Oh, God, yeah! How could she, the cheating, flipping ninny.
(CLATTER) I need some time alone, I think.
- Of course.
- You can stay though.
Justin? You know this means she didn't love you and that we don't need to feel guilty about us.
That's a good point, actually.
But first, you need to go into that prison, give her her alibi and finish it.
You might have strong legs and lovely sandy hair, but you are still engaged to my sister, and that's a turn-off.
I need you to end it with Helen.
And then we can get jiggy with it for sure.
INMATES: Ooh! And the only way they could identify Mr Bridges was by the prints on his chopped-off finger which they said I'd left flapping around.
(THEY GASP) But you know, I didn't, because I didn't kill him.
(THEY GROAN) Anyway, look, it was really kind of you all to invite me in Oh, Jesus.
And, you know, if I was to choose, I'd be, like The 2011 Corsodyl has a nice, citrus kick, but I'm just not really good company at the moment, so Did you say his name was Eric Bridges? I know that name from somewhere.
Maybe I had hot sex with him! What is this, Sex in the City reunion, eh? OK, OK.
Your secret's safe with me, girls.
Stephens, you've got to call your sister.
There's been a death in the family.
It's OK.
It's only your stepfather.
Yeah, he fell off a roof this time.
Wink, wink.
So sorry I haven't been in, but it's been so very difficult - with Piccalilli being pregnant and all.
- What?! - How the hell did that happen? - Oh, give him a break, OK? - He's young and single, so why not? - Oh, for God's sake! I wish today would just naff the naff off.
Well, you won't want today to naff off when I tell you I've got some good news.
Followed by some bad news.
What? Well, the good news is, wait for it I've.
Found.
Justin! You've You've found Justin? M-M-My Justin? What's the bad news? Laura, what's the bad news? Hello? Hello, Laura? I'll let him tell you that.
Oh, yes! Yes! Oh! Oh, bad news.
Ohhh! Oh, but yes! Yes! Oh, I don't know how to react.
I think you've peed her off no end, Mary.
If she finds the money first, you can bet your bottom pound we won't see a dime of it.
Right now, I don't care about the money.
I can't stop thinking about the last time Eric touched me.
The electricity between us made my hair stand on end, like someone had rubbed a love balloon on it.
He pulled me to him and I remember his arms were wet, very wet, all the way up to his elbows, but I just didn't care.
I stayed there, breathing in his Issey Miyake for Homme.
Why were his arms wet, Mary? Oh! God, I've missed you so much! Slasher's taken your bunk.
She completely hogs the remote control.
Helen, I've seen the same episode of Top Gear 54 times.
At least I think it's the same episode.
I mean, the storyline changes but the jokes are the same.
When are you coming back? Well, I'm not sure there's much point Christine because, guess what? Justin's back! I'm getting out of here! (CHRISTINE SHRIEKS) What does this mean? It means that this whole nightmare is about to end.
I'm going to get my appeal going again and then I'm going to call the White Swan Hotel and rebook the Taylforth Suite.
Oh, my God.
This is it, Christine.
My life is back on.
Yay! Oh, cold, cold, cold! Hello, you.
I wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your governorship of Broadmarsh, give you a little tour of the prison.
I really appreciate this but I haven't actually been given the post officially.
Well, a very important little birdie tells me it's academic.
- You've obviously been fingering the right pies.
- Sorry? This is one of our canteens.
Carbonara.
How exotic.
Frank, this is Governor Gorey, your new boss-to-be.
It's not a hundred per cent decided yet though, is it? Indeed, it's not.
Ma'am, could I take a hour extra for lunch today? Why? Erm Nit nurse? Let me show you the staff chill-out area.
Who's he? He is Walter "The Bouncer" Gorey.
Looks like he's taking over from the guv.
What a well-groomed man.
Why do they call him "The Bouncer"? Cos he runs his prisons like a nightclub.
One in, one out.
If you got an appeal coming up, he'll see you right.
Oh, ha-ha, Christine! Christine? What are you doing? Who is this? - Where are you taking me? - Hello? Hello? I hear your alibi's turned up.
- How do you know that? - I know everything.
I also know this prison's about to be taken over by The Bouncer, that liberal ponce.
Well, it's good news for me cos I'm getting out of here.
Exactly.
And when you do, I don't want you telling anyone you saw me in here, vous comprendi? My nieces think I'm working for NASA.
Really? Damn straight.
I'm a hero to those kids.
Plus, I'm the only person in our school's history to have got a job in America.
So don't you go letting the cat out of the bag, or I'll be putting your cat in a bag, in the canal.
Really? Well, I don't have a cat.
I've got a border terrier, so Well, I'll drown that an' all.
It's a big bag.
You can't threaten me any more, Miss Grainger.
Do you know what? I feel sorry for you because you may think you're king of this castle, but your castle is built on You know, like, dirty plughole hair and And, and spew.
Yeah.
I'm going to go with spew.
Fatty! You all right, boss? Ow! - I am now.
- I'm fine.
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm fine.
And this is where we keep all the confiscated narcotics and paraphernalia.
Weed, 'shrooms, meow meow, skunk, speed, speedballs, glue, ketamine, MDMA, GBH, roofies, skag, and all the acid, E, coke and crack you can wag a dirty fingernail at.
That's a very well-organised stash.
Well, that's the, uh, beauty of stackable Tupperware.
So, that's, uh, Broadmarsh.
(SHE CHUCKLES) I've absolutely loved it.
And I hope you will too.
Thank you, Margaret.
You'll be an incredibly hard act to follow.
I just want the chance to help some of these poor women.
Quite.
Well, here's to a smooth transition.
Cindy, get me the police.
I think we pumiced ten years off your feet.
Yeah, my heels feel like velour! Oh, I just want my feet to look their best for him, you know? Christine? Oh, hello.
Who's this? Oh, this is Jo.
Jo's got the cell a few doors down from me.
- Jo, this is Christine.
- Nice to meet you.
What a pretty fringe.
I tell you what.
If you're not busy after lunch, Maggie's fashioned a nib from a pigeon feather and we're doing calligraphy, so if that sounds like your scene, drop by.
Helen, could I have a word? Sure.
In private.
I think you might be rushing into this whole leaving prison thing.
I just want you to be sure you're making the right choice.
And, apart from everything, there is so much we haven't done yet.
I've made a list.
Christine, you always knew I was going to go.
I suppose Jo put you up to this.
Put me up to what? Well, it's a bit of a weird coincidence that the minute you meet Jo, you start getting ideas about leaving prison.
Did she ever think that you might be better off behind bars? How could I possibly be better off spending 16 hours a day locked in my cell, and the other eight hours avoiding being violated with a Timotei bottle? You should be stoked I'm getting out.
I would be for you.
Well, maybe you just don't know me as well as you thought.
Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you thought.
Oh, I know you.
I know you long time.
Oh, you don't know me long time.
You know me three months.
- Three months long time.
- Three months not long time.
Not long time at all.
Herro? Three months is too long time.
Too long time to serve time for crime I not do.
(GONG) That's lunch.
You leave here and you won't be able to just walk back in.
Sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr Devon.
Thank you so much for coming to the interview.
Thank you for coming in Mr Devon.
- Thanks for your time.
- Yes.
Pleased with that.
(PHONE RINGS) Tony, it's Helen.
Oh, it's you.
Tail between your legs is, it? Luckily, I'm the kind of guy who needs the work more than the grudge.
- Yeah, yeah.
Sounds good.
Listen, Tony - I've cracked it.
Think of this case as a walnut and me as the ornamental hammer.
It was your fiance what done it.
- What? - Think about it.
He's been missing since the murder, he found out about your affair.
- It was a crime of passion.
Textbook.
- Really? Well, then how do you explain the fact that he's come back for me? - My alibi's back, Tony.
Justin's returned.
- Bloody what? Bloody what, indeed! So now you just have to get the paperwork sorted and I am a free woman.
There's a new governor starting and he's got the horn for appeals.
So you just have to fill in the forms right, send them off on time, and I'm out.
And you'll have won a case.
You'll have won the case, Tony! I've won a case? Nah.
Nah, there's something not right here, Helen.
No! You're wrong.
Everything is right here.
I've got to go, Tony.
There's a woman behind me who's started sharpening her teeth with a nail file.
But What are you, 34B? - 34C, actually.
- Oh.
I mean, between you and me, a lot of that's ribcage.
Hi, Helen.
Oh, hi, Jo.
I was just wondering, Slasher bit the head off a sparrow and we're doing potato prints with its blood, if you fancy it? Both of you fancy it? No, that sounds disgusting.
Why would I want to do that? Well, because we used to like to do things together, remember? I'll leave you to it.
Trish is hosting an etiquette class at three.
We're learning how to get in and out of prison vans without flashing our pin pins.
Maybe see you girls there? Look, Christine I wanted to say Look, I'm sorry for what I said before.
We're best friends.
Nothing can change that.
And just because we're not in the same cell, or the same prison, or Even if one of us is killed, and the other one survives, it doesn't mean that we're not still friends forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.
I want to give you something, just to say thanks for being the best cellmate in prison any inmate could ever ask for.
Oh, Helen.
I love it.
This means more to me than anything I've ever imagined us doing together.
In return, I want you to have something.
And it's something that since the moment I got it, - I never thought I'd part with.
- Oh.
It was my most treasured possession.
Oh! Thanks, Christine.
I can't believe I might be actually getting out of this hellhole.
I'm going to Sheppey! I'm going with you to Sheppey! I've left my wife.
It's all systems go.
I mean, I'll miss the kids, and the house, but, you know, sometimes it's nice to have nothing, start afresh.
Sorry for that interruption, Sir Roger.
As you were saying Yes.
Gorey was caught with a drugs pipe and several rocks in his coat pocket.
He swears he has no idea how they got there, but that's what all the crackheads say.
How very disappointing.
So if Margaret's going to Sheppey, who will be taking over here? Well, as the standard of the other applicant was so depressingly low, we have no option but to ask Margaret to stay on at Broadmarsh, if that suits you.
Sheppey will just have to wait.
I'd be delighted if it helps you out of a sticky hole.
I've left my wife.
Er Er, I'm going to have to ask you to sign in, sir.
Of course.
Go ahead, Mr Fembwick.
(GASPS) (THUD) Dear Maurice, if I have learnt one thing in prison, it's that fabric conditioner makes little or no difference in an industrial wash.
And also that real, true prison friendship is something to be treasured.
Saying that, I am finding it tricky to keep two women satisfied platonically.
I can only imagine how Simon Cowell must feel.
My big news is that my fiance and alibi Justin has returned, and I imagine that right now, he's charging over here on his white steed to set me free.
It's only a matter of time before I'm the next Mrs Justin Augustin.
I'd like to send you a wedding invite, Maurice.
I would give you a plus one but I think I remember you saying you'd killed your wife.
All the best.
Your friend Helen.
Hello, ladies.
How's it going? Oh, listen, Helen.
You know that name Eric Bridges? I've remembered where I know it from.
I made a fake passport for an Eric Bridges.
Really? When? Actually, it was my last job before I got banged up, so 15th of May.
Oh.
It must be another guy because Eric was definitely dead by then.
Well, the chap I made it for needed a passport pronto.
And the reason he stays in my memory is he's the only man I've been with who had to give himself a pep talk to climax.
"I think I can, I think I can" BOTH: "I know I can, I know I can.
" He's alive.
Objection! Helen! Ms Grainger! You got to help me find Justin! Did you find out anything about that address I gave you? Mashta Fembwick? - Yes! - No.
Shit If a tree wins the lottery in a forest and nobody hears it, did it really win the lottery? What do you know about the missing money? - What's that? - It's a tiny little sex tape, Helen.
Shhh Where is it, you bastard? Can? Dear Maurice, thank you for your postcard, and massive congrats on winning the first stage of your appeal.
If you can get out of prison after doing what you did to that family, then maybe, just maybe, so can I.
(CELL DOOR SLAMS) Stephens.
You're free to go.
I'm free? I'm a free woman? They quashed my case? Oh, God bless the British penal system and God bless No, no.
You're just free from solitary.
You've still got another decade plus 21 months to go in here.
Hmph! (HE SIGHS) Did you see Frozen Planet last night? No.
I've been in solitary confinement.
Aye.
A seal pup befriended a "penguine".
You mean a penguin? Whatever.
That seal pup has got a friend for life.
Anyway.
Got some news.
Er Yeah.
Laura's got her job back at Entirely Tiles so we have someone on the inside.
OK, that's good.
Erm Listen, I've got something to tell you.
Erm Mrs Bridges came to see me last week, and it turns out that she seems to think Yeah.
Right.
And you didn't think to mention this before? Don't get on your high horse with me, Tony.
I'm not getting on my high horse, I'm simply wondering why you've taken until now to tell me you were noshing off the man you're accused of murdering! - I still didn't kill him! - You should've told me.
If you don't trust me, we don't have a case.
Why should I? I'm still in prison for a crime I didn't commit.
You haven't found Justin, you haven't even traced that Mashta Fembwick address.
- It doesn't make any sense! - You can't even pronounce the word penguin! What're you doing to get me out of here, Tony? What have you been doing? What have I been doing? Getting to the bottom of your case.
This means more to me than 20 accidents in the workplace, 30 accidents even, including a very profitable fork-lift-truck impalement.
I'll see myself out.
You've done wonders with this institution, Margaret.
And you know how well you're regarded amongst those of us in the Ministry of justice.
Thank you.
- One is only trying to do one's job.
- Yes.
Which is precisely why we'd like you to move to Sheppey.
(SHE COUGHS) We think you could be the woman to lead Sheppey into the 21st century.
Well, at least the 20th.
But it's not without its charms, and I'm sure you'll enjoy the camaraderie of not being stuck in your own office.
Camaraderie? All the staff just muck in.
Yes, it is rather isolated, but the views of the oil rigs are second to none! When the rain stops.
(LAUGHS) I can see how much this deployment has captured your imagination.
We're still interviewing candidates for your replacement.
Governor Gorey is our favourite.
I know he has very different methods to you.
Big fan of an appeal.
Yes.
I'll see myself out.
Yes Congratulations, ma'am.
Not only am I behind you, but I'm beside you and with you every step of the way.
Viva la Sheppey.
Camaraderie.
What is happening? Please! Somebody help! That didn't work out as well as I'd planned.
Christine! What the hell do you think you're? I wanted to cover your eyes because Surprise! It's made from my total loo roll allowance over the last eight days! Well then what did? Doesn't matter.
Is that hair? It certainly is! Oh! Aw.
Girl on girl.
My favourite of all the actions.
This one's missed you.
Haven't you? I've got so many plans and dreams and plans and dreams and Yeah, well, you'll have to shelve them, because Stephens is being moved to D Wing.
My hair words! What? I don't like the sound of D Wing.
- I like it here, in P wing.
- Guv's orders.
Helen! Don't make any new friends! Helen! (CHRISTINE'S SHOUT REVERBERATES) How did it go? Did Stephens squeal? No, she didn't squeal, Mary, cos according to her, she don't know where the money is, or about no syndicate scam.
In fact, apparently she didn't even kill my Eric.
Told you Helen was innocent.
No.
She ain't innocent, Henry.
Did you know, "pour exampler", Helen was banging my dear husband? I think you must have the wrong Helen.
ERIC'S VOICE: I think I can, I know l can, I know l can.
- I know I can! I - Urgh! PHONE RINGS ON TAPE Think you'd better get that, Helen.
HELEN'S VOICE: Yeah, could be the Purbeck Marble people.
TAPE THUDS Where did you get that tape? Got something you want to get off your flat chest, Mary? I don't know what you're talking about.
Why'd you do it, Mary? Was you hoping for a promotion? Or a little Christmas boner? I I - You don't understand.
- Oh.
It was different with us.
He bought me an ergonomic swivel chair.
- I I meant something to him! - Course you did, Mary.
That's why your tape's got Amanda from logistics on the B side.
Right I don't think I can trust you two cats.
(MARY SOBS) - I can't believe it.
- You can't believe it? What about me? Not only was my husband tiled alive to death, but then I find out he's spent the last year of his life knobbing every bit of skirt in this office, including your precious Helen Stephens! I'm not saying that my share of the lottery winnings is going to make up for that, but as the saying goes, "Money is the Nurofen of the soul".
Don't worry.
We'll find that half million.
What? It's more like a million, Henry.
Oh.
Sorry, yes.
Yes, of course.
That's what I meant.
Yeah.
Bijou, innit? (HE LAUGHS SNIDELY) Now get used to it cos you're going to here a very, very long time.
(WATER RUNS) (SIGHS) This is shit! Yoo-hoo! Oh! Gee Just thought I'd pop in and say what ho and welcome to D Wing.
Oh.
Thanks.
I'd ask you in, but it's too bijou.
Well, what we lose in size we make up for in atmosphere! I'm Jo by the way.
Oh.
Sorry.
Helen.
Oh, what a pretty name! What are you in for, Helen? Well, murder - Oh! The girls are going to love you! - No, no.
I'm innocent.
I'm in for forgery.
(SHE GIGGLES) It's all really white collar stuff here in D Wing.
Fraud, tax evasion Wonderful to have a killer in our midst! I'm not a killer.
OK? Because I didn't do it.
If you don't mind I'm just going to sit down on this bed shelf thing and just be by myself! If you do feel up to it later on, I'm holding a mouthwash tasting at four in my cell, three doors down.
Love to see you there! I've got something to tell you.
It's This is difficult to say, but I'm going to try and find the right words.
Helen was regularly having her brains boffed out by Mr Bridges behind your back.
What? The randy old goat.
Aren't you upset? Yeah! Oh, God, yeah! How could she, the cheating, flipping ninny.
(CLATTER) I need some time alone, I think.
- Of course.
- You can stay though.
Justin? You know this means she didn't love you and that we don't need to feel guilty about us.
That's a good point, actually.
But first, you need to go into that prison, give her her alibi and finish it.
You might have strong legs and lovely sandy hair, but you are still engaged to my sister, and that's a turn-off.
I need you to end it with Helen.
And then we can get jiggy with it for sure.
INMATES: Ooh! And the only way they could identify Mr Bridges was by the prints on his chopped-off finger which they said I'd left flapping around.
(THEY GASP) But you know, I didn't, because I didn't kill him.
(THEY GROAN) Anyway, look, it was really kind of you all to invite me in Oh, Jesus.
And, you know, if I was to choose, I'd be, like The 2011 Corsodyl has a nice, citrus kick, but I'm just not really good company at the moment, so Did you say his name was Eric Bridges? I know that name from somewhere.
Maybe I had hot sex with him! What is this, Sex in the City reunion, eh? OK, OK.
Your secret's safe with me, girls.
Stephens, you've got to call your sister.
There's been a death in the family.
It's OK.
It's only your stepfather.
Yeah, he fell off a roof this time.
Wink, wink.
So sorry I haven't been in, but it's been so very difficult - with Piccalilli being pregnant and all.
- What?! - How the hell did that happen? - Oh, give him a break, OK? - He's young and single, so why not? - Oh, for God's sake! I wish today would just naff the naff off.
Well, you won't want today to naff off when I tell you I've got some good news.
Followed by some bad news.
What? Well, the good news is, wait for it I've.
Found.
Justin! You've You've found Justin? M-M-My Justin? What's the bad news? Laura, what's the bad news? Hello? Hello, Laura? I'll let him tell you that.
Oh, yes! Yes! Oh! Oh, bad news.
Ohhh! Oh, but yes! Yes! Oh, I don't know how to react.
I think you've peed her off no end, Mary.
If she finds the money first, you can bet your bottom pound we won't see a dime of it.
Right now, I don't care about the money.
I can't stop thinking about the last time Eric touched me.
The electricity between us made my hair stand on end, like someone had rubbed a love balloon on it.
He pulled me to him and I remember his arms were wet, very wet, all the way up to his elbows, but I just didn't care.
I stayed there, breathing in his Issey Miyake for Homme.
Why were his arms wet, Mary? Oh! God, I've missed you so much! Slasher's taken your bunk.
She completely hogs the remote control.
Helen, I've seen the same episode of Top Gear 54 times.
At least I think it's the same episode.
I mean, the storyline changes but the jokes are the same.
When are you coming back? Well, I'm not sure there's much point Christine because, guess what? Justin's back! I'm getting out of here! (CHRISTINE SHRIEKS) What does this mean? It means that this whole nightmare is about to end.
I'm going to get my appeal going again and then I'm going to call the White Swan Hotel and rebook the Taylforth Suite.
Oh, my God.
This is it, Christine.
My life is back on.
Yay! Oh, cold, cold, cold! Hello, you.
I wanted to be the first to congratulate you on your governorship of Broadmarsh, give you a little tour of the prison.
I really appreciate this but I haven't actually been given the post officially.
Well, a very important little birdie tells me it's academic.
- You've obviously been fingering the right pies.
- Sorry? This is one of our canteens.
Carbonara.
How exotic.
Frank, this is Governor Gorey, your new boss-to-be.
It's not a hundred per cent decided yet though, is it? Indeed, it's not.
Ma'am, could I take a hour extra for lunch today? Why? Erm Nit nurse? Let me show you the staff chill-out area.
Who's he? He is Walter "The Bouncer" Gorey.
Looks like he's taking over from the guv.
What a well-groomed man.
Why do they call him "The Bouncer"? Cos he runs his prisons like a nightclub.
One in, one out.
If you got an appeal coming up, he'll see you right.
Oh, ha-ha, Christine! Christine? What are you doing? Who is this? - Where are you taking me? - Hello? Hello? I hear your alibi's turned up.
- How do you know that? - I know everything.
I also know this prison's about to be taken over by The Bouncer, that liberal ponce.
Well, it's good news for me cos I'm getting out of here.
Exactly.
And when you do, I don't want you telling anyone you saw me in here, vous comprendi? My nieces think I'm working for NASA.
Really? Damn straight.
I'm a hero to those kids.
Plus, I'm the only person in our school's history to have got a job in America.
So don't you go letting the cat out of the bag, or I'll be putting your cat in a bag, in the canal.
Really? Well, I don't have a cat.
I've got a border terrier, so Well, I'll drown that an' all.
It's a big bag.
You can't threaten me any more, Miss Grainger.
Do you know what? I feel sorry for you because you may think you're king of this castle, but your castle is built on You know, like, dirty plughole hair and And, and spew.
Yeah.
I'm going to go with spew.
Fatty! You all right, boss? Ow! - I am now.
- I'm fine.
I'm fine, thanks.
I'm fine.
And this is where we keep all the confiscated narcotics and paraphernalia.
Weed, 'shrooms, meow meow, skunk, speed, speedballs, glue, ketamine, MDMA, GBH, roofies, skag, and all the acid, E, coke and crack you can wag a dirty fingernail at.
That's a very well-organised stash.
Well, that's the, uh, beauty of stackable Tupperware.
So, that's, uh, Broadmarsh.
(SHE CHUCKLES) I've absolutely loved it.
And I hope you will too.
Thank you, Margaret.
You'll be an incredibly hard act to follow.
I just want the chance to help some of these poor women.
Quite.
Well, here's to a smooth transition.
Cindy, get me the police.
I think we pumiced ten years off your feet.
Yeah, my heels feel like velour! Oh, I just want my feet to look their best for him, you know? Christine? Oh, hello.
Who's this? Oh, this is Jo.
Jo's got the cell a few doors down from me.
- Jo, this is Christine.
- Nice to meet you.
What a pretty fringe.
I tell you what.
If you're not busy after lunch, Maggie's fashioned a nib from a pigeon feather and we're doing calligraphy, so if that sounds like your scene, drop by.
Helen, could I have a word? Sure.
In private.
I think you might be rushing into this whole leaving prison thing.
I just want you to be sure you're making the right choice.
And, apart from everything, there is so much we haven't done yet.
I've made a list.
Christine, you always knew I was going to go.
I suppose Jo put you up to this.
Put me up to what? Well, it's a bit of a weird coincidence that the minute you meet Jo, you start getting ideas about leaving prison.
Did she ever think that you might be better off behind bars? How could I possibly be better off spending 16 hours a day locked in my cell, and the other eight hours avoiding being violated with a Timotei bottle? You should be stoked I'm getting out.
I would be for you.
Well, maybe you just don't know me as well as you thought.
Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you thought.
Oh, I know you.
I know you long time.
Oh, you don't know me long time.
You know me three months.
- Three months long time.
- Three months not long time.
Not long time at all.
Herro? Three months is too long time.
Too long time to serve time for crime I not do.
(GONG) That's lunch.
You leave here and you won't be able to just walk back in.
Sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr Devon.
Thank you so much for coming to the interview.
Thank you for coming in Mr Devon.
- Thanks for your time.
- Yes.
Pleased with that.
(PHONE RINGS) Tony, it's Helen.
Oh, it's you.
Tail between your legs is, it? Luckily, I'm the kind of guy who needs the work more than the grudge.
- Yeah, yeah.
Sounds good.
Listen, Tony - I've cracked it.
Think of this case as a walnut and me as the ornamental hammer.
It was your fiance what done it.
- What? - Think about it.
He's been missing since the murder, he found out about your affair.
- It was a crime of passion.
Textbook.
- Really? Well, then how do you explain the fact that he's come back for me? - My alibi's back, Tony.
Justin's returned.
- Bloody what? Bloody what, indeed! So now you just have to get the paperwork sorted and I am a free woman.
There's a new governor starting and he's got the horn for appeals.
So you just have to fill in the forms right, send them off on time, and I'm out.
And you'll have won a case.
You'll have won the case, Tony! I've won a case? Nah.
Nah, there's something not right here, Helen.
No! You're wrong.
Everything is right here.
I've got to go, Tony.
There's a woman behind me who's started sharpening her teeth with a nail file.
But What are you, 34B? - 34C, actually.
- Oh.
I mean, between you and me, a lot of that's ribcage.
Hi, Helen.
Oh, hi, Jo.
I was just wondering, Slasher bit the head off a sparrow and we're doing potato prints with its blood, if you fancy it? Both of you fancy it? No, that sounds disgusting.
Why would I want to do that? Well, because we used to like to do things together, remember? I'll leave you to it.
Trish is hosting an etiquette class at three.
We're learning how to get in and out of prison vans without flashing our pin pins.
Maybe see you girls there? Look, Christine I wanted to say Look, I'm sorry for what I said before.
We're best friends.
Nothing can change that.
And just because we're not in the same cell, or the same prison, or Even if one of us is killed, and the other one survives, it doesn't mean that we're not still friends forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever.
I want to give you something, just to say thanks for being the best cellmate in prison any inmate could ever ask for.
Oh, Helen.
I love it.
This means more to me than anything I've ever imagined us doing together.
In return, I want you to have something.
And it's something that since the moment I got it, - I never thought I'd part with.
- Oh.
It was my most treasured possession.
Oh! Thanks, Christine.
I can't believe I might be actually getting out of this hellhole.
I'm going to Sheppey! I'm going with you to Sheppey! I've left my wife.
It's all systems go.
I mean, I'll miss the kids, and the house, but, you know, sometimes it's nice to have nothing, start afresh.
Sorry for that interruption, Sir Roger.
As you were saying Yes.
Gorey was caught with a drugs pipe and several rocks in his coat pocket.
He swears he has no idea how they got there, but that's what all the crackheads say.
How very disappointing.
So if Margaret's going to Sheppey, who will be taking over here? Well, as the standard of the other applicant was so depressingly low, we have no option but to ask Margaret to stay on at Broadmarsh, if that suits you.
Sheppey will just have to wait.
I'd be delighted if it helps you out of a sticky hole.
I've left my wife.
Er Er, I'm going to have to ask you to sign in, sir.
Of course.
Go ahead, Mr Fembwick.
(GASPS) (THUD) Dear Maurice, if I have learnt one thing in prison, it's that fabric conditioner makes little or no difference in an industrial wash.
And also that real, true prison friendship is something to be treasured.
Saying that, I am finding it tricky to keep two women satisfied platonically.
I can only imagine how Simon Cowell must feel.
My big news is that my fiance and alibi Justin has returned, and I imagine that right now, he's charging over here on his white steed to set me free.
It's only a matter of time before I'm the next Mrs Justin Augustin.
I'd like to send you a wedding invite, Maurice.
I would give you a plus one but I think I remember you saying you'd killed your wife.
All the best.
Your friend Helen.
Hello, ladies.
How's it going? Oh, listen, Helen.
You know that name Eric Bridges? I've remembered where I know it from.
I made a fake passport for an Eric Bridges.
Really? When? Actually, it was my last job before I got banged up, so 15th of May.
Oh.
It must be another guy because Eric was definitely dead by then.
Well, the chap I made it for needed a passport pronto.
And the reason he stays in my memory is he's the only man I've been with who had to give himself a pep talk to climax.
"I think I can, I think I can" BOTH: "I know I can, I know I can.
" He's alive.