Dead Ringers (2002) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 Fellow Americans, weapons inspectors have arrived on the ground in the Iraqi capital.
My good friend, Bulgarian prime minister Lionel Blair, says the search is being led by a man trusted never to give up the hunt.
Welcome to "Weapons Hunt", with me, David Dickinson, Peter Stringfellow on a budget.
I'm in downtown Baghdad.
I've uncovered a stockpile of potentially lethal chemicals.
That's just the 15 cans of hairspray in my luggage! One for the ladies! OK, let's see what we've got.
A rusty bomb.
But know the hallmark.
Made in the UK.
" Surely a duffer.
But this is a bit special.
Some depleted plutonium dating back 10 or 12 years, maybe left behind by a superpower in a rush.
Weapon hunters, this is a real collectors' piece.
A nuclear bomb! Is it in working order? Let's find out.
Oh, dear! Radiation's been spread for miles around.
On the plus side, everyone now has my lurid complexion.
What a bobby dazzler! International diplomacy, cheap as chips.
It's true I've handed over £3 billion to Colonel Gaddafi so I'll have a place to flee to after the war.
Why Libya? Because £3 billion wouldn't be enough to get me started on the property ladder in Britain.
I had my heart set on a maisonette in Surbiton.
On BBC One, a programme about the New Labour drama "The Project", following the story of the handful of mysterious people who bothered to watch it all the way through.
Now, "Newsnight".
I'm Kirsty Wark.
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Those headlines again with the consonants reinstated.
After the worst week in living memory for the Royal family, the Palace has released a statement on Paul Burrell.
As with other Royal tragedies, it's delivered by Sir Elton John.
(INTRO TO "CANDLE IN THE WIND") # Goodbye, Paul Burrell # You cried only as a true friend can # Shedding tears for Princess Di # As you loaded up the van # And it seemed to me when you got off # You should have shut your craw # Then the papers wouldn't be making you out # To be camper than Barrymore # You said Diana spoke in colour # The Queen in black and white # Which of course makes you the one Who speaks in fluent shite Take it or leave it, Prince Charles's cuff links are 50 quid.
Prince Edward's nipple clamps are a fiver.
A nerve gas attack, scheduled for London Underground, won't now happen.
The Al-Qaeda terrorists involved are on strike.
They said, with the fire fighters' dispute, it's too dangerous to work there.
They may be suicidal, but they're not stupid.
This week on "Celebrity Fit Club", Ann Widdecombe attempts to go the distance.
I've been getting a few angry calls from my constituents, saying they'd rather not see their MP in a freak show full of nobodies.
But I've assured them being in the Tory Party doesn't interfere one bit with my work at Celebrity Fit Club.
New from BBC Enterprises, a DVD all Alan Rickman fans can treasure.
Alan Rickman plays the token baddie in Hollywood films.
Who can forget his performance in "Die Hard"? I'll get you, John McClane! Or his Sheriff of Nottingham? I'll get you, Robin of Sherwood! And his towering performance in "Harry Potter".
I'll get you, Harry Potter! Also includes Alan Rickman confronting his agent the moment it dawned on him he was now hopelessly typecast.
I'll get you, you lousy agent! Buy this and get "Judi Dench Plays Every Woman Over 40 In Every British Film" free! Hello, I'm Iris Murdoch.
I'll get you, A.
Byatt! People think all Russell Crowe is about is stealing other men's wives and brawling at ceremonies.
I'm happy stealing men's fiancées and street brawling.
The BBC's search to replace Angus Deayton has run into trouble.
Everyone working in TV is a coke-snorting sex maniac.
The last supposedly squeaky-clean favourite has been outed as another hell-raiser.
When Pudsey was high, he was wilder than Angus Deayton.
He got me in a three-in-a-bed romp with my best friend, Slapper Handball.
The charitable do-gooder Pudsey thought himself untouchable, but it's emerged the reason for the eye-patch is because the drugs he takes burst his stitches.
Anyone who worked with Pudsey has lurid stories.
One wished to remain anonymous.
What's that?! You both snorted coke off Panda's tits? The outlook for Pudsey is bleak - shunned by colleagues, demonised in the tabloids and forced to go on "Tonight With Trevor MacDonald".
In "The Bung" the truth about Di from nobodies with tenuous links with her.
This bloke sold her a newspaper.
How one simple sentence - "I think you've given me the wrong change" - revealed Diana's inner turmoil.
I was the only person she trusted.
Read it in the "Bung".
Read about the real Di, from the bloke who waved a flag at her.
I was the only person she trusted.
Read my amazing story only in the "Bung".
Exclusive insights from a woman who met her in a big house.
Yes, I met her once.
She was lovely.
Not a jumped-up anorexic trollop at all.
Read my story exclusively in the "Bung".
Can one have one's money now? ("PARKINSON" THEME MUSIC) Cold sort of day, isn't it? Very cold sort of day.
I suppose I should start by asking when you decided to sit at a bus stop in this way? - Why? - It's a typical bus stop, I know, but what was it about this particular bus stop that drew you to sit here in this way? Er, I don't know.
I don't know what you ask.
Just a certain bus stop charm, I suppose.
It attracts people.
Have you ever sat at a bus stop that you felt wasn't right for you, - and felt you had to move on quickly? - That can happen.
Did that happen with Mohammed Ali, Spike Milligan or Gene Kelly? I've never met one of them.
I did, on many occasions, and fine fellows th-th-th-they were.
If I can just go back a bit, legend has it your first bus stop was shown to you by your parents at an early age.
I wouldn't know.
I don't remember that time.
Sitting at a bus stop, is it something you still enjoy? There's a dustbin wagon in the way for a moment.
We'll wait for that to go.
I'll go and help the man.
When was the first time you wanted to be a refuse collector? - I never did.
- You never did? I mean, once you've thrown that rubbish into the wagon, where does it go? - What is the next stage? - Brentford.
To Brentford tip.
Down a chute and crushed up.
It's loaded onto trays and taken to Oxford.
Have you collected rubbish for Mohammed Ali, Gene Kelly or Spike Milligan? - No! - No? You do a tremendous job.
This man's book, "Collecting Garbage", is out very soon.
Thank you.
I warn you, Bush and Blair.
Attack the Iraqi people and we will strike back.
You think we don't have sophisticated weaponry capable of defeating the most powerful superpower ever known? Then you are right.
But hidden deep in an underground vault, we have something far worse than nuclear or chemical bombs that we can unleash.
My huge stockpile of unfashionable 1970s moustaches! If you thought being turned into chip fat by a dirty bomb was scary, try life looking like a cross between me, Robert Winston and Jeremy Bowen! Not pretty! I'm Greg Dyke, Director General of the BBC.
Not a lot of people know that.
"Muffin the Mule"? I'd bring it back, but film it underwater.
ITV have nicked the rights for "Miss Marple" from my BBC.
So I am getting even.
I'll read every Miss Marple book and tell you whodunit.
"Murder in the Vicarage" - that poncy artist.
"The Moving Finger" - the policeman.
50 from Paddington" - Dr Quimper.
"Murder Is Announced" - it was the kangaroo.
Didn't see that coming, did you? Job done.
("STARS AND STRIPES" PLAYS) The boys in Intelligence say it's a good idea.
I've learned not to rely on intelligence.
Why should I see another Bin Laden tape? He never sings nothing by S Club Juniors.
- It may help us to understand our enemy.
- OK.
Death to the infidels.
We will triumph.
("SESAME STREET" THEME SONG) No, you've taped "Sesame Street" over Osama again! It's Bin Laden's new terrortactification.
Living in a dustbin, grouchy if asked to sing, refusing to admit the importance of the letter "C".
- It's shockerating.
- We're giving these tapes to the CIA.
They got Big Bird, Elmo, Bert and Ernie interred at Camp X-Ray.
How else could we warn the Armenians that the next attack won't be by Al-Qaeda but by the Children's Television Workshop? Hello, loves.
God bless.
Welcome to "Thora's Nice History of Britain", where we refuse to dwell on the unpleasant side of life.
Last week, I told you about lovely Henry VIII and how he was married to the same woman for 53 years and made doilies.
God bless his big fat face.
This is Edgehill in Warwickshire.
Some historians say that in November 1642, a bloody battle - excuse my language - occurred here, with vicious fighting and many casualties.
Stuff and nonsense! Let's go to the top of the hill and find out what really happened.
In this re-enactment, we see the Parliamentarians came from that side and the Royalists came from that side.
They met here, at the top of the hill.
And then they had a nice picnic.
Good for keeping things fresh, that Tupperware.
It's lovely, is that.
You've got a nice big thermos! It was decided that the Parliamentarians had won because they had the best selection of sandwiches, pastries, and even the odd Chorley cake.
Next week, the so-called bubonic plague - or a chesty cough, as I call it.
God bless! Do the fingertips with sandpaper and chuck him in the river.
Speaking on behalf of Newsreaders in Need, please, please stop making us dress in leather mini-skirts and mime out-of-date show tunes under the pretext of being zany for charity.
It isn't zany, it's bollocks.
It's bad enough Andrew Marr looking a freak all year, without us joining in.
Welcome to "Rolf on Art".
Today we're focusing on modern BritArt, like Damien Hirst.
I've had a go at a Damien Hirst creation myself.
What? This isn't "Rolf on Art"? It's "Animal Hospital"? Oh, dear.
Seems little Frisky was too weak, too feeble, and he didn't make it to the Tate Gallery.
Is that the builder's ? I'm Maximus Decimus Meridius.
My home in St Albans has been destroyed.
Can you fix it? I need to know how much.
Can you come tomorrow? - They have told you our requirements? - No.
- I was asked to come and see you.
- I see.
Some work needed doing and to have a word with you and see - .
what the situation was.
- No communication from Quintus? - Quintus is my ally.
- Right.
Fine soldier of the legion.
They were slaughtered.
What What are your needs? What do you require? We need to fortify these walls.
They're not strong enough to repel invasion from the Visigoths or the Huns or the Barbarians.
We must be ready for invasion at any time.
And the triumphal arch, there isn't any kind of triumphal arch there.
So we might put one in, I don't know.
Have you got drawings as to how high you want them? Any special openings or features? I did have such drawings on slate but they were stolen by Proximo and Grachus in a place far away.
Er, secondly, it's best if we can see in this corner here If we kneel down, you get a better view.
Kneel with me, brother.
Feel the earth between our hands.
Roll it together for good measure.
You are now my brother of the soil.
We shall see many glories here, many.
Our enemies will feel cursed they were not here.
Slice this through a man's flesh and they will love you.
What is your name? - Mick.
Mick? I will call you Mickus.
Be victorious by the sword, Mickus.
You too shall win your freedom.
Ow! It's very hard to choose my greatest Briton.
Should it be Mr Kipling, Mr Sheen, or even Mr Muscle? But in the end it had to be a dead heat between Mr Marks and Mr Spencer.
They do make exceedingly good foundation garments.
Welcome back.
I'm Kirsty Wark, soft, strong and very long.
After much speculation, a Tory leadership challenger has made his bid.
Me! I'm everything you'd expect a Conservative Party leader to be.
Everybody hates me and I'm very anti-European.
Here's Iain Duncan Smith.
Are you confident of seeing off Saddam's challenge? I have to take this challenge very seriously because polls show Saddam to be more popular than me.
It could be worse.
If Genghis Khan or Hitler were still alive, I'd be very worried.
It's very hard being the most unpopular man in the worldafter Richie Blackwood.
What do Tory MPs think? Joining me is Ann Widdecombe.
I welcome Saddam's challenge.
He's a tyrant who's murdered his own people and has weapons of mass destruction.
- But he's not gay or an asylum seeker.
- Does that worry you? Not in the slightest.
I speak to you today to answer the criticism of one's involvement in the trial of Paul Burrell.
I did not deliberately withhold my vital testimony.
I am displeased to be characterised as a closeted scatterbrain who holds the answers to the great unsolved questions without realising it.
Indeed, I made this exact point to Lord Lucan only yesterday.
On the contrary, I keenly follow current affairs.
I remember where I was when President Kennedy was shot, having a long discussion with Lee Harvey Oswald in a Dallas book depository.
So I hope I shall now be left in peace to fulfil my duties, care for my family, and take rides on my horse, Shergar.
Good night.
Who is my greatest Briton? Tony Brittan, who performed in "Robin's Nest".
This is "Late Review", post-match analysis for toffs.
The latest Dr Seuss story to make the big screen is "The Cat in the Hat", starring Mike Myers.
- Germaine Greer, what did you think? - It was boring and predictable.
Does anyone really speak like that? I went to the cinema and I hated it.
- Would you watch it on a train? - I would not.
- Would you watch it on a plane? - Not on a plane, not on a train.
I would not watch it here, I would not watch it there.
I would not watch it anywhere.
- Tom Paulin? - I wanted to enjoy it.
- But I didn't like it.
- You didn't like it? - I did not, not one bit.
- Would you watch it in the hall? Oh, not in the hall, not on a ball.
I did not like the film at all.
I'll turn to my last guest in the hope of getting a more in-depth analysis.
I'm Mariella Frostrup.
On second thoughts, Tom I've said this before, but I cannot stress enough the importance of a really good solid bottom.
Which is why I'm choosing Ainsley Harriot as my greatest Briton.
Welcome to a new series of "Yet Another History Programme".
I'm Dr Simon Schama.
This week, we look at the reign of Henry VIII, the monarch who gambled his kingship, upset the status quo and sliced the Church in two.
In 1529, the King felt isolated.
Stuck with a woman who'd given him no heirs, the marriage might split.
But he could restore balance by making Anne Boleyn his queen.
The options had to be weighed.
Should he put his cards on the table or should he "weight"? Henry disliked Rome and didn't want to build bridges.
Instead, he decided to upset the equilibrium, to have his cake and eat it too.
Ignoring the advice of Card inal Wolsey, Henry broke off ties with Rome, established the Church of England and began the dissolution of the monasteries.
All hell broke loose.
Then Thomas More, Hampton Court, et cetera.
The end.
I'm back next week, when I'll do the whole Renaissance with nothing but a compass, a pipe and a potato.
- Great news! - I'm Dumbledore in the Larry Potter movie? We haven't heard back from Warner Bros yet.
It's from the UN.
- Our weapons inspectors are going in.
- Why should I care? We need a report before we invade Iraq.
We don't ! We're not invading Iraq, we're invading Tierack.
- Look at the surveillance pictures.
- That's not "Tierack"! It's Tie Rack, a British store that sells ties.
That's just what they want you to think! They also sell cuff links and underpants.
Is it coincidencification they lurk in every airport and rail station? Sir, if we invade Tie Rack, you'll be a laughing stock.
I have a choice? A happy day at the Brightly Coloured Blobs' house.
That's Plinky, Flommit and Bobo.
Can you understand what they're saying? No? We could if they stepped closer.
(BABBLE) Right, it's a load of nonsense that means nothing.
Selling this rubbish to 50 countries isn't easy! # We're just like the others at first sight # But we don't infringe copyright # Otherwise Auntie BBC's Arse would get sued by the Teletubbies Let's ask Bobo a question.
Bobo, are you a boy? Bobo, are you a girl? Are you asexual to make it easier to sell this show to the Middle East? Ooh, is that some merchandise you're holding? # If we fill the shops with this trash # BBC bosses will get lots of cash # Our sales targets won't be beaten They'll snort more coke than Angus Deayton! We need to rebuild some of these fortifications.
Who did it originally? I mean, it's been repointed.
It's been done to a very low standard.
I don't know who did it.
They may have been crucified for such work.
- You want reconstruction there? - Note the specifications.
The gates.
Er, beyond that the poplar tree.
On the slopes, olives to the north, grapes to the east.
Round the edges, soil as black as my wife's hair.
If you could just take down the frame where they were burned and crucified.
It's a shame these walls have crumbled.
Being 2,000 years old, they're quite new.
Charlatans must have built them.
Was it your firm? - No, we weren't around then.
- How could we improve these paths? - Er, we could try decking them.
- Decking them?! I don't know.
I'll make a few notes and get Kevin to come back.
Decking? I don't like the sound of decking.
What about Saxon paving? Maybe I could do that.
- No, not Saxon paving.
- How about Roman? The Saxons are evil scum to be wiped away.
In three weeks, I shall harvest my crops.
Imagine where you will be.
I'll get them to give you a ring in a few days.
If you find yourself walking in sunny green fields, do not be troubled, for you are in Elysium and you're already dead.
At 9.
00 on ITV1 is someone who used to be in "EastEnders" on the hunt for a serial killer.
I haven't seen the schedules, but it usually is.
Yeah, there is.
Thought so.
If he makes trouble, cut something off and send it to his wife.
Noel Gallagher refuses to be on "This Is Your Life", saying it would stir bitter personal memories.
The split with Paul McCartney, marital problems with Yoko, and getting fatally shot in 1980.
Good night.

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