Dead to Me (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Ooh, God, I gotta pee.
Then stop drinking so much water.
Because I have so much
dust in my throat.
- Well, then, drink some water.
- Okay.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- What?
Is my phone in my bag?
- What?
- My phone.
Can you look in my bag and
see if my phone is there?
No, I don't see it.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck!
I think I might have left it back there.
- What?
- Yeah.
You wouldn't do that. Why would you?
- I don't know.
- You must have it somewhere.
I don't. I fucking don't, Judy.
We have to go back.
Oh, my God, what if
I left it in the hole?
- Oh, Jesus!
- Oh, my God.
- Wait, I'll call it.
- No, don't fucking call it!
- Why not?
- Are you fucking insane?
- Why?
- If it rings in the hole,
it's like a megaphone saying,
"Hey everybody, there's
a fucking body in here!"
- You're right, that's insane.
- This is a disaster.
This is a fucking disaster!
This is a Oh, here it is.
We're fine.
Fine.
Oh, my God, is that for us?
Is it?
How could it not be?
It's right behind us.
I know. Um
I hate to say this, but we are
two middle-aged white
women in a Mercedes.
I know, and I appreciate you
acknowledging your privilege,
but we also just buried a body.
Which nobody knows about.
Pull over.
Shit.
We have shovels in the car.
We were gardening.
Oh, God, in the forest?
How do you think forest
people get their food?
Well, what, were we planting
fruit trees in the forest?
Berries for foraging. Foraging!
Say we were planting
berries for foraging.
We're berry planters. Got it. Oh, God.
- What kind of berries?
- I don't know. Raspberries?
It's not raspberry season.
Forget it, okay?
- Just don't say a word.
- Okay.
- Don't say anything, Judy.
- Okay, I won't.
Maybe I should just gun it.
- You can't gun it.
- No, I think
- Hi.
- How are you?
Was it worth it?
- What?
- What was? Was what?
You committed a crime.
N-no.
You're driving.
As soon as that phone is in your
hand, you're committing a crime.
Oh.
- I didn't know that.
- What was so important
you had to look at it while driving?
- GPS.
- The
Yeah, the maps.
- Yeah.
- I couldn't
You don't need the GPS.
I can tell you where you are.
Up shit's creek.
I'm just messing with you.
You're getting a ticket, though.
Oh.
- You should've seen your face.
- A ticket.
- Silly Willy McGilly.
- License and registration.
Yep, yep.
You really can't wait till a hotel?
I've been holding it in for six hours.
Excuse me. Um
Uh, what what kind
of pie is that one?
Cherry.
Is it, um is it good?
It's cherry.
Well, cherry can be shitty,
but what about that? What's
Cherry.
Oh, okay. I guess I'm
gonna have the cherry.
I can't fucking believe we got a ticket.
Now there's record we were here.
Fucking Shandy.
This pie is really dry.
- You want some?
- No.
Oh, man.
It's just like, everything hurts.
It feels like my spine is trying
to claw its way out of my back.
You sure you're not hungry or
anything? They have waffles.
I'm not hungry.
Look
I feel bad that we couldn't attend
to the more spiritual
tidbits that you wanted
to include in what we just did, but
we couldn't risk getting caught, Judy.
I mean, we really had to
get in and out, right?
I mean, yeah, right.
But it took a really long time.
It's not like we just
got in and got out.
- Right, we had to
- Refill?
Yes, please. Thank you, Marva.
Marva, could I get some
whipped cream for this?
It's a little dry. Thank you.
Look, all I'm saying is that we
just didn't have time to, like,
dilly-dally.
- I wasn't trying to dilly-dally.
- You know what I mean.
I just wanted to sing a song for Steve
- or maybe say a few things.
- I know.
But we didn't know who was out
there or who could hear us.
Okay, so I'm sorry
if I got a little rigid
'cause we couldn't stop to
sing "Halle-fucking-lujah."
Just so you know
Thank you.
I wasn't gonna sing that song.
I know it's played out.
I just wanted to give
give the moment a sense of occasion.
This is what I'm saying, Judy.
Not everything is a fucking, like,
Disney-movie's-about-to-start
fucking castles
with fucking sparkle time, okay?
We are not in Snow White here.
We are in fucking Scarface.
Well, I've never seen that.
Neither have I. No girls have.
But we know what it's about.
Really?
She did that on purpose.
Shouldn't we have stopped
someplace less fancy?
It's just a shower pit stop.
I know, but I didn't have time
to Trufflepig my way
through Priceline, okay?
I just I can't handle
this level of dirty.
I feel like a frat house toilet.
You think we're gonna get a
room? It's so last-minute.
It's the middle of nowhere.
No one stays here.
I'm sorry, we don't have
anything available.
- What's that now?
- We have a wedding this weekend,
so we're all booked up. I'm sorry.
Okay, you literally don't have anything?
Hmm.
Yeah, thought so.
Oh! Actually, I can offer
you our presidential suite.
It's a two-night
minimum, but the rate
I don't want to know. We'll take it.
I got this, okay? My treat.
Are you ladies in town for
business or pleasure?
- Pleasure.
- Business.
- Business.
- Pleasure.
No, it's just a gals' weekend
with my best friend.
My befri.
Right?
Yeah.
Who the fuck gets married
in Antelope Valley?
People from Antelope Valley?
Oh, I guess.
- Jen.
- Jeff.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, Jeff.
- Hello, Jen.
- Judy, this is
You know my neighbor Karen?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, this is her husband Jeff.
- Oh, wow, Karen is so nice.
- Yeah. So hi.
- Yeah, she's great.
- Is she here?
- Uh, no, no, no.
- Bummer, bummer, bummer.
Okay, all right.
Yeah, it's just a business trip, so
- Great.
- You here for the wedding?
- No, we're having a girls' weekend.
- Oh, fun.
- I got our coffees, babe.
- Oh.
- "Babe."
- Thank you.
Jen, listen, could you
- maybe not
- Yep. All good. Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Yep. Nope.
The only reason that I even put
- We were never here.
- Sure.
- It doesn't have to go that far.
- Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you, I just thank oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe we did that.
We still have to deal
with his car, but
I think that
I feel like we might be okay.
I guess so.
- Do you want to take a shower first?
- No.
Want to get out of those
dirty clothes or
do you just want to stare
out the window weirdly?
Yeah.
Okay.
Hey. Is there power?
Yeah, it just came back on.
Oh, well, that's good.
Well, not fucking really.
Now Henry, Christopher,
and Henry's weird friend
are dancing around to
Jesus Christ Superstar.
Okay, you know what? Language, Charlie.
Don't denigrate Jesus Christ Superstar.
It's a great fucking show.
Whatever. I don't even know
why Christopher's here.
We would've been fine on our own.
Now they're driving me fucking crazy.
You know what? Why don't
you go out for a walk
and say "fuck" outside instead
of sitting there, moping around?
It's 100 degrees out.
I can't walk anywhere.
This is why I need a car.
With climate change, it's
only getting more urgent.
Oh, wow, well, thank you
for mansplaining to me
why you are the most
affected by climate change.
Charlie, you're going to
get a car soon enough.
But for now, like I said,
you're getting Dad's bike.
Well, when is that gonna happen?
Uh, when I have time to
go to the storage unit,
- which is a whole thing.
- Whatever.
Look, we, um
we'll be back tomorrow
from Judy's sick aunt's place.
She was kind of touch-and-go here,
- but I think she's gonna pull through.
- Great.
Okay, well, love you. Bye.
Wait, did you say you loved
me enough to buy me a car?
No, I said I love you. Bye.
Hey, I just need to plug in
my phone. It's dying already.
So, how are we?
We're okay.
Okay, yeah.
I know
last night was a lot, but I
I just feel like we're on
the other side of it, Jude.
Is there, um, anything
I can get you or, just, like
Want me to get you a spa service,
like a nice massage or something?
Oh, look at that. TripAdvisor
gives it almost three stars.
Don't know why you would print that.
No, thank you.
You want a mani-pedi? No?
I'm not really in the mood.
Sorry if that's bothering you.
Jesus, Judy. You're not
bothering me. Okay?
Are you mad at me?
Because it's okay to be mad at me.
No, I'm not.
Okay, well, can you please
just tell me what to do here?
Because you're the nice one
and I'm the shitty one,
so just tell me how I can
do something nice for you.
Because you're scaring me a little.
I just don't really feel
like talking right now.
Okay.
I think I'm just really tired
from six hours of digging
a hole in the forest
that ended with dumping
my ex-fiancé in that hole.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, sure.
Hey. Hey.
You up?
I am now.
What's going on?
Um, I, uh, have an idea.
There's, uh
There's a bar down in the lobby
called Whispers and Winks,
and I just thought maybe
we could go down and
do a toast to
to Steve.
Really?
Yeah. I mean, isn't that what
people do after a burial?
Right?
Commiserate, drink
Let it all out.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Did you say "Whiskers and Wings"?
No, why would it be "Whiskers"?
No, it's "Whispers."
- Oh.
- And "Winks," like psst! Psst! Psst!
I am gonna need you to shower, though.
- 'Cause
- Yeah?
Just 'cause
I stink?
Mm, you just You just
look dumb in those clothes.
They're yours.
- Hi.
- Hi. What can I get you?
Uh, we'll get two double scotches. Okay.
If you're with the wedding
party, it's open bar.
Oh, we're actually
The bride is my second cousin,
so, yeah, we'll just get
the Johnnie Walker Blue.
Thank you.
- It's pretty loud.
- It's a bar.
Thank you.
Thank you.
To Steve.
To Steve.
Um
Do you want to say something about him?
This isn't really what I was imagining,
- so I don't
- Okay.
I don't really know what to say.
Well, um
He was very good-looking.
- He was more than that.
- Right, of course.
- You didn't really know him.
- No, I didn't.
He was very thoughtful
and sweet.
- Okay.
- He was.
Okay.
He used to always do
these little things for me
to make me feel special.
Aww.
Even the way he proposed.
Yeah? What, um
How did he propose?
- With a flash mob.
- Oh.
Aw, that's that's so fun.
I thought we were just going
to the beach for the day,
but then 200 people jumped up
and did this whole choreographed
thing to Cyndi Lauper.
That's very thoughtful.
He really had a soft side that
he didn't show a lot of people.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
I know you didn't like him.
You have every reason not to.
I know who he was.
I get it.
But I loved him.
He was the first person who ever
really made me feel loved.
He wasn't always perfect.
But he was my person.
No, I know.
No, I
I know what you mean.
Hmm.
What?
- What?
- No
There's this thing I always wanted
to tell you, and I just never
never felt like it was the right time.
- What?
- I don't know, just forget it.
No, you can't tell me you
have something to tell me
and then not tell me.
- Yeah, I hate when people do that.
- It's annoying.
- It is.
- So just tell me.
Okay.
The morning after we
hit Ted
I woke up, and
Steve wasn't in bed, so I went
looking around for him
and I found him at our
favorite spot by the beach.
And he was just sitting on the wet sand.
He was crying like a little kid.
It's not that he didn't care
about what happened.
He was gutted by it, but I just
don't think that he was able to
show his feelings, you know?
Mm-hmm.
But I think he felt safe at the beach,
and that's why I kind of
wanted us to take him there
and put him to rest.
Yeah, I get it.
I just wanted
I just
I just wanted to say goodbye to him.
He always took such good care of me.
I just wanted to do
something for him, too.
What's wrong? Are you okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You deserve to say goodbye.
I got to do it with Ted, and
Just, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no.
- It's not fair.
- Don't cry. I don't want you to feel bad.
- You don't have to take care of me.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't take care of me.
I can do whatever I want.
It's why Steve loved you.
Because you are
you are, like, the kindest person
maybe in the whole fucking world.
I love you so much.
I really do.
I love you so much.
Will you be my person?
Yes. I'll be your person.
- Hey, there.
- Oh.
Do you guys want to dance?
- Oh! No, thank you.
- What the
- You sure?
- Oh, my God, excuse me.
Do you see that we're in the
middle of something here?
Does it look like my friend
wants to fucking dance?
Read the room, fucko.
What in the hell is fucking
wrong with people?
Seriously!
- Oh!
- Poor guy, he just wanted to dance.
My God.
"Those girls look like
they might kill themselves.
Maybe they want to get a nice jig in
before they jump off the bridge."
What an asshole.
He really is.
Oh, God.
I do actually kind of feel like dancing.
- What?
- I don't know.
- With that guy?
- No, no. With you.
With me. Okay.
Okay.
Here.
Do you remember there was a time ♪
When people on the street ♪
- Champagne.
- Were walking hand in hand in hand ♪
Thank you.
They used to talk about the weather ♪
Making plans together ♪
Days would last forever ♪
Come to me, cover me, hold me ♪
- Ooh.
- Whoo!
Together we'll break these ♪
Chains of love ♪
Don't give up, don't give up ♪
Together with me and my baby ♪
Break the chains of love ♪
Together we'll break these ♪
Chains of love ♪
Don't give up, don't give up ♪
Together with me and my baby ♪
Break the chains of love ♪
Whoo-hoo!
Oh-ho-ho! My God, wait. How
have we not talked about Jeff?
Jeff! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, poor Karen!
I feel so terrible for Karen,
and I don't even like Karen.
- Okay?
- Okay, wait, is there any world
where we think that those two
guys are business partners?
- Judy.
- What?
Judy.
- No?
- Those guys are joined at the dick.
- Aww! To Karen.
- Oh, to Karen!
- Whoo! Can we have two more, please?
- Um yes.
Yeah, I know you're not
with the wedding party.
- Excuse me?
- What?
You owe me $83.
What?
Douche.
And get the fuck out.
Psst, psst, psst.
Oh! Oh.
Oh, Christ
Hello.
Wait, wait, wait. What?
Oh, shit.
Are we sure that it's the bird?
That it's our bird?
Henry is sure.
What happened?
Everyone was having a fun time.
Then I stepped in here for two minutes
to make lemon ricotta pancakes,
and as I was grating the zest,
I heard a scream, and I was too late.
The bird was already dead.
Okay, but how?
Um
The dog did it.
Probably just animal instinct.
- I am so sorry, Jen.
- Oh, God.
I told Alan she needed to
be professionally trained.
But you know what? This is not
like her. Adele is not aggressive.
I mean, she is a snob.
She won't wear synthetics.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay, baby. It's okay to be sad.
I just
I just wish I knew
it was the last time I was
gonna play with the bird.
I would have said goodbye.
You can still say goodbye.
In your hands, O Lord,
we humbly entrust our brothers, sisters,
and birds.
In this life, you embrace
them with your tender love.
So now, deliver them from evil
and bid them eternal rest.
Let us find in you
comfort in our sadness
and the courage to move
through this together.
Amen.
Judy, would you mind singing something?
Yeah, would you?
Sure.
Stars shining bright above you ♪
Night breezes seem to whisper ♪
I love you ♪
Birds singing in the sycamore tree ♪
Dream a little dream of me ♪
I love you.
Say nighty-night and kiss me ♪
Just hold me tight and tell me ♪
You'll miss me ♪
I missed you.
While I'm alone ♪
And blue as can be ♪
Dream a little dream of me ♪
Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you ♪
Sweet dreams that leave all worries ♪
Behind you ♪
Drive the car, stupid!
Fucking listen. Don't be so sensitive!
But in your dreams, whatever they be ♪
Please dream a little dream of me ♪
Hi, Jen.
Hi.
We're so sorry to bother you.
Oh, it's all right.
Hi, Shandy.
I hope we didn't wake
you from your slumbers.
No, it's eight o'clock.
I wasn't slumbering.
Shandy has something to say.
Don't you?
It's regarding the bird.
Okay.
I killed it.
Oh, you did.
I was trying to stop
it from flying away.
But I guess I squeezed it too hard.
I didn't realize birds
were mostly liquid.
- Hmm.
- But it was an accident.
Right?
Yes.
- I'm sorry.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- I'm so sorry.
I really appreciate how much you've
been letting Shandy come over.
I hope this doesn't change anything.
She needs friends.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Uh, let's let Jen get
back to her evening.
Thanks.
I just I wish I didn't
have to tell Henry.
He's my best friend, and
I don't want to lose him.
You know what?
You don't have to tell him.
- Really?
- Yeah. It's okay.
I think sometimes people need a friend
more than they need the truth.
- Seriously, Shandy!
- You can go now.
I'm sorry.
Night.
Sleep well.
Holy shit.
Fuck, yeah, Mom!