Dead to Me (2019) s03e08 Episode Script

1
- Hey, Mama.
- Hey, Kalina.
How are we feeling today?
You know, not too shabby.
Been better. Been worse.
- Really running the gamut there, huh?
- Yeah.
Hmm. Sounds like someone
could use some healing.
Mm-hmm.
Someone sure could.
Mrs. Harding.
Detective Perez.
I'm surprised to see
you here at the station.
Oh, well, I'm surprised
that Ben Wood was arrested
when I explicitly said I
did not wanna press charges.
Despite your intimate
connection to the suspect,
you might also be surprised to learn
that you don't control the world.
Oh, I'm sorry that I didn't want
the father of my unborn child
to be hauled off by police
in front of my other child.
And I'm sorry, but the law is
the law. And Ben Wood broke it.
You know, that's funny how
some days the law is the law
and then other days, the law is
whatever the fuck you want it to be.
And by you, I don't mean the royal you.
I'm literally talking about you.
And you know what I'm talking about.
Oh, I do know what you're talking about.
Some days our emotions
get the better of us.
And some days, sober thoughts prevail.
Unfortunately, in Ben Wood's case,
sober thoughts did not prevail
the day he hit you and Miss Hale.
Well, maybe someone in this station
would like to know what
I'm talking about, hmm?
I don't think you wanna open
that can of worms in here.
Well, then where would
you like to open it?
So this is your spirit gate.
It'll help with anxiety.
I'll take it.
And this is your outer gate.
- It's good for pain relief.
- Ow.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
- Some of these can be a little sticky.
- Yes. Sticky.
Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.
Kind of waiting for my friend to
call. Could you maybe check it for me?
Okay. This once.
Thank you.
It's Laguna Oncology.
You need to take this?
No. No, no, they're just
calling to confirm
my follow-up scan.
All right, big day!
When are we going in?
Uh, soon. Yeah, we just, you
know, we gotta double check.
Ah.
Fuck me!
What's that gate?
That's a blocked one.
We're stressed. We're stressed, okay?
Let's just try to relax.
- Find our zen place.
- Find our zen place.
- And get centered.
- Get centered.
Maybe give me a warning next time,
like a, "This one's gonna hurt
like a fucking son of a bitch"?
- Okay, you signed up for this.
- Yeah.
How dare you come to my office
and make veiled threats at me?
They're not veiled.
- You're aware I carry a gun, right?
- Okay, I'm just asking you to help Ben.
Oh, please.
His bail will be set faster than
anyone should be comfortable with.
- Really?
- Yes.
Rich white men don't
do time, they buy it.
- Oh, God.
- You, on the other hand, do need help.
I don't mean the royal you.
I mean the royally screwed you
because they found DNA
on Steve Wood's body.
- What? They did?
- They did.
Do they know whose it is?
Not yet, but if I had to guess,
I'd probably go with, mm-mm,
the person who killed him.
- Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.
- Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.
- Fuck, fuck!
- Yep. Mm-hmm.
- Fuck.
- Whew!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
- Fuck!
- Seriously?
- Really? Come on.
- Fuck.
- All right, well, what do we do?
- No, don't
There's no more "we." Not anymore.
Goodbye, Mrs. Harding.
Fuck!
- What if I just turn myself in?
- What? You can't just give up.
I'm saying, what if I said I
did it before they say I did it?
Then then don't I get some
kind of points or something?
I don't think the FBI
works on a point system.
I can't live like this. I'm gonna
have a fucking nervous breakdown.
Now I know why you
were always so confessy.
Now I know why that drove you nuts.
- Yeah, well
- Okay, look. You have to fight.
You have a baby on the way.
You can't fight science, Judy. It's DNA.
They won't be able to match it to you,
unless they have, like, your
hair or your semen or whatever.
Know what? If they have my semen,
then we have other problems.
You know what I mean. Your lady semen.
- What?
- She-men.
- She-men?
- Yeah.
- Okay, I don't know!
- I don't fucking know!
I don't even know what the fuck DNA is.
We just need to stay calm. We
don't even know what they found.
They could have nothing.
Or they have something, Judy.
And then what? And then there's
just there's no way out.
There is. There always is.
My mother used to say there's
always an exit somewhere.
- You just have to find it.
- How's that going for her in jail?
You know what we need?
- A lawyer.
- A vacation.
I thought I heard you say
"vacation." That would be insane.
Hmm? Or is it the sanest
thing I've ever said?
Okay, come on.
We could go somewhere and relax, like
find our zen. Center ourselves.
Okay, we can't just run away.
You have your scans. They're this week.
- Well, I could do them next week.
- No, you can't!
What what if you
have to have more chemo?
Well, then I'm definitely gonna
wanna take a vacation first.
Look, I can't just leave here.
I have work. I have
responsibilities. I
Yes, yes, okay. I get it.
You're totally right.
We should just stay here and tell
the kids you're having Ben's baby.
Where would we even go?
Steve has a place in Mexico.
It's right on the
beach. We could go there.
Okay, let's take a getaway
to the house of the guy
that I am trying to
get away with killing.
Hmm. Fair point. I could
find somewhere else.
I mean, it could be Mexico. It
That sounds real nice.
- It does, right?
- Yeah.
Pinwheel? Pinwheel? Yeah, there you go.
Oh, little Starvin'
Marvins aren't we today?
- Oh, praise Jesus. I'm starving.
- These aren't for you.
My blood sugar's crashing.
I only ate a baby's handful
of almonds for breakfast.
- Why?
- 'Cause I'm keeping it tight.
Because I'm in the market
for a new man-panion.
By the way, nice listing. Truly.
Yeah, well, it comes at a price, so
Oh, man.
Hey, uh, I wanted to ask you, could
you watch the boys for a few days?
And maybe cover me in
case I get some bites here?
- For you? And a split of the commish?
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
- Literally anything.
- Literally?
- Anything.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
- Hey. You okay?
- Yeah.
- Why?
- You just look a little
- What?
- Nothing.
- Congrats, Jen.
- Oh, f
Looks like a lot of interested buyers.
Okay, Karen, I told you
that sellers are not supposed
to be at their own open house.
- Then why is Jeff here?
- W-why is Jeff here?
Thank you.
I'm on it.
He looks good with a
tan, don't you think?
Almost Italian.
Not sure what fucking region
you're talking about, but
I guess beach
living really suits him.
You need to keep it together, Karen.
I'm sorry. It's just really
hard to let go of him.
He's my best friend.
I mean, was
Here.
Karen, I say this with love,
but you're making things weird.
- And I need you to leave.
- Okay.
No.
No.
Hmm.
Not now, Laguna Oncology.
This tile is actually limestone. Mm-hmm.
Bet you thought travertine, huh?
- I did.
- Surprise.
- Jen.
- Um, what are you still doing here?
Sorry, I was gonna leave,
but then I realized I
have nowhere else to go.
Also, there's a potential
buyer in the safe room.
I thought we agreed to call
it the office though, right?
Sorry, it's just so
much change all at once.
Karen, do not go in there.
Oh, hi. Can I answer
any questions for you?
Well, I certainly hope so.
Agent Glenn Moranis. FBI.
Oh, hello.
Uh, wh-what can I, um
How did you how can I, uh
Are you are you
looking to buy a house?
No, I'm looking for you.
Hmm.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I found us a great hotel in Baja Hi!
- Hi.
- Glenn? What the what?
Yeah, um, Agent, uh,
Moranis from the FBI
came by the open house to look
for me, so that's what's happening.
- Hey, Judy. That's a fun hat.
- Hi.
Oh This old thing?
It's, um just my house hat.
It's just the hat I wear in the house.
Yeah.
- Sorry to interrupt your work day.
- Mm-hmm.
Looks like you guys had a
pretty good turnout over there.
What is that place?
Twenty-two hundred square feet?
Uh, it's 2,250. Yeah, you were close.
Oh, close only counts in
horseshoes and hand grenades.
Oh, right. That's
Uh, I'll only keep you a minute.
Uh, I just have a couple of questions
about your relationship with Steve Wood.
Oh, I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Well, you were his real
estate agent, right?
Uh, yeah, for, like, a blip.
I mean, it's like, did that even happen?
Seems like it did.
Uh, according to our records,
you sold him two condos.
All cash. Before he
walked out on the deal.
Yeah. Well, yeah,
that that did happen.
- How much was that for again?
- I I don't remember.
Yeah, probably not top of mind.
Does 8.6 million ring a bell?
Ding. That that sounds right.
And did you know he stole that money
from the Greek mafia at the time?
- Like mafia mafia?
- Well, they call themselves a syndicate.
A syndicate. Oh, God.
Jeez, that's actually the first
time I've ever heard that term.
Wow, I am shocked.
- Well, imagine how they felt.
- Right.
But they can't be too surprised, right?
Steve wasn't exactly an angel.
No, Steve was good.
A fine person.
Did you have any more
contact with him after that?
Um
Mrs. Harding?
Mrs. Harding.
Uh I don't I don't remember.
Sure.
I'm just curious. You ever do any
real estate outside Laguna Beach?
No, no, not really. Why?
Because we have a record of you
getting a ticket near Angeles Forest
where Steve's body was found.
You do?
Can I ask why you were in
Antelope Valley at that time?
Oh, God.
What was I I was, um I, uh
I
- It was a girls' weekend. Scone?
- Oh, yes, please. I love snacks.
- For you.
- A girls' weekend in Antelope Valley.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
For when you wanna get
away, but not too far away.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- 'Cause you have kids and stress.
Down.
Of course. Who doesn't
love a quick getaway?
- Right?
- I mean, I don't.
- Oh.
- Just ask my wife. Ex-wife.
Yeah. Well
So, just the two of you, then?
- Yes.
- Mm. No.
- Hmm?
- We were with our friend Jeff.
It was a girls' and gay's weekend.
- There was lots of rosé.
- Right.
- "Rosé all day," remember that?
- You were all, "Hey!"
I was like, "Rosé all day!"
He's like, "Don't do that."
Yeah, then she threw up.
- Jeff.
- Yeah, so, you know, this one.
- Pregnancy brains. So boop, forgets.
- Oh!
- Wow, you're pregnant.
- She is.
- I am. I am.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I know. I'm a hundred.
- So she gets really tired, as do I.
- Mm-hmm.
She has cancer.
- You do?
- I do.
Super sad.
So, we're just a bunch
of tired, rundown gals.
Now I get the house hat.
- Mm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry, Judy.
- Thank you, Glenn.
Look, I'm gonna let
you two get some rest.
If you think of anything else that
might be helpful, just gimme a call.
Here to help.
- I'll walk you out.
- Oh, thank you.
Ooh, if I can. No, just kidding.
Well, thank you so much for coming.
I hope you got everything that you need.
Time will tell. Oh, wow.
- Is that one of yours?
- Yeah.
Ah, it's beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Hm.
Well, you might wanna
get a new frame though.
That one's cracked.
Oh, yeah, I
dropped it when I
was trying to hang it.
Ol' butterfingers over here.
Right.
And also, Glenn, I don't
wanna play the cance card,
but wow, you know, they, like,
shoot all that stuff into
you, and you just get so weak.
- Aww.
- Gets, like, porous bones.
Throwing up, no good
news. Hard to hang art.
Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah, it's terrible.
- Okay, well, thanks again.
Yeah!
Oh, and you know, maybe no more
quick getaways for a minute.
Might come back around and
ask a few follow-up questions.
Right, yeah, of course.
I mean, we're here.
We're not going anywhere.
- Yeah.
- Just, uh, be here, hanging out.
- You know where to find us. Obvs.
- I do know where to find you. Obvs.
Oh, my God, he knows.
We don't know what he knows.
I mean, he didn't arrest
anyone. We're still here, right?
Yeah, well, obviously,
we can't go anywhere now.
And why why did you tell
him that I was pregnant?
- Ben doesn't even know that, Judy.
- Well, it's a good cover.
- And why would you bring up Jeff?
- He's an alibi.
We weren't with him that weekend.
He was with his child
bride of a boyfriend!
So, we'll ask him to
corroborate the story.
Oh, my God.
- Where's my Number One Mom mug?
- What?
My motherfucking Number
One Mom mug! Where is it?
- Uh, it's around here somewhere
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Holy shit! Holy shit,
it's gone. He took it.
- What? Who?
- Agent Moranis.
- Glenn?
- Yeah, he took it.
And now he's gonna match the DNA!
- Oh, my God.
- Where did he put it?
- Down his fucking pants?
- Maybe.
- I mean, they were chinos.
- They were.
Oh, my God. They're gonna know I did it.
And I'm gonna give birth in a
jail cell, chained to my bed.
No, no, no, no. You are
not going to jail, okay?
We just need to calm down.
There is always a way out.
You're right.
Here's what we do.
- We kill Glenn.
- We check the dining room. What?
We kill him.
We goodbye him forever, all
right? It's the only way.
Jen, we are not killing Glenn.
- No, we make it look like an accident.
- What?
Yes, like, uh, an overdose or
something, with with the pills.
- Okay. Yes.
- What pills?
The pain pills that you
stole from the hospital.
We can mash 'em up and and bake
'em up into a scone or something.
If only I could find the damn
Oh, here it is!
That when where did it where?
It was in in the sink.
- Oh.
- Under a bowl.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah.
So, I guess we won't be needing these.
No.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Jen?
- Jeff.
- Jen.
- Jeff.
- Judy.
- Hi.
Uh, sorry to just show
up like this, but
No, no, no. Mi RV es su RV.
- Okay.
- Please, right this way.
- Join me on the lanai.
- It's a parking lot, but we're not
- It's not really beach weather.
- Okay.
'Cause it's pretty windy, but
So, Jeff
- So, I'm hanging in.
- Okay.
It's been emotional. Selling the house.
Ending things with Seb.
- Sebastian.
- Aww.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Oh, wow.
He seemed so nice when we met him
when we were all at that hotel together.
Mm-hmm. That entire weekend.
Oh, right. Those were dark days.
Sneaking around. Lying.
Don't need to revisit
that weekend again.
- Well, you might have to, actually.
- Mm-hmm.
With the FBI, actually.
The FBI? Why would I
need to talk to the FBI?
- Uh, that's, uh, because they
- Uh, 'cause they're
Did Karen put you up to this?
- What?
- Trying to get me in trouble, isn't she?
- Yep.
- She sure is.
She cannot let go.
I mean, sure, I cheated
on her multiple times.
There may have been a bit of
methamphetamines that weekend.
It was just one time a couple of times.
- Okay, so here's the thing Hmm?
- She probably had me followed, didn't she?
Someone take pictures? Jesus.
Now she's gonna use it all against
me in the divorce, isn't she?
No, not if you say that you were with us
on, um, a girls' weekend.
Right. I mean, we could be your alibi.
Alibi. Yeah.
Jeff, do you have any more Absolut?
Because I'm making martoonis.
- Jen?
- Christopher.
- Judy?
- Hi.
So, in any event, uh, thank you.
I so appreciate you
ladies having my back.
I owe you one. I guess I owe you two.
Well, why why do you owe me two?
I was going to mention it,
and then, you know, I didn't.
Remember the street camera
footage you asked me to delete?
You should see the
resolution on our street cam.
Kind of a home safety nerd.
- How do you erase it?
- I don't. I keep it all in the cloud.
Cloud. Cloud. Cloud. Cloud.
Yeah?
I didn't delete it.
Delete footage? What'd you do this
time? Murder a man in cold blood?
That's a good one.
Oh! Ow!
Anyway, I tried, but Karen
reset our cloud password.
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh!
As you know, she can be very vindictive.
Especially when she's in that
house, all alone with her guns.
Right.
Anyway, thank you so
much for stopping by.
Christopher.
Bye.
Beautiful lanai.
- Hello friend.
- Hi.
Hi.
Thinking you might be
up for a little visit.
Mm-hmm.
Is that Mexican lasagna?
- With extra raisins.
- Thank you.
Mmm. Do you wanna come in?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
I was just telling Judy
about your safe room.
Love to see it.
And this is from when Jeff
and I went to Key West.
Mm-hmm.
- Aww.
- Mm-hmm.
And this is when we went to Fire Island.
Jeff. He looks good, don't you think?
You know what?
Karen, uh, I'm gonna say
this to you as your friend.
You really you gotta stop dwelling.
Oh, my God, Karen.
You know what? If I were you, honestly,
I would just erase the whole cloud.
- The whole thing.
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I mean,
the cloud is the past.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's what's holding you back, Kare.
- Yeah.
- Aww, Jeff used to call me that.
He called me his little Kare package.
- Fuck Jeff! Fuck that guy.
- He never let me.
Oh, jeez. So, guess
what. Let's dump him.
- Yes, right in the trash.
- Dump him.
I need to think about it.
I'm I'm not spontaneous.
I'm a planner!
I mean, hello, I built a safe room!
Yeah, like, what exactly
are you planning for?
The apocalypse.
- Right.
- Cool.
- Yeah. I mean, so prepared. Right.
- That's, like, such forward-thinking.
But for the first time
in my personal life,
I I have no idea what's coming.
And I'm not sure I
wanna find out, you know?
It's just all too scary.
I get it.
You got this, Kare bear, okay?
You just gotta do one step at a time.
Yeah, you know what?
Why don't you just start
with erasing last year?
Oh, my G um, yes.
Can we admit that
this was a shitty year?
- Yeah.
- It really was.
Shitty last couple of years.
- Sucked. Mm-hmm.
- Really bad.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
- You can do it.
- We have faith in you.
- Come on.
You got this.
You got it. Just drag it!
- You did it!
- Yay!
- Look at you!
- Look, doesn't that feel good?
- Wow!
- It does. It does!
And if I wanna see it again, I
I have it backed up on my hard drive.
- You know we're gonna have to take this.
- Yeah, we'll keep it safe.
What do people do to relax
when they can't drink?
I don't know.
Can I take a lick of one of these?
- Ooh, I wouldn't.
- Oh, come on.
- Just a little tiny lick.
- Mm-mm.
Oh, man.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just a tired, rundown gal.
Hey, uh, when is your
scan? You didn't tell me.
Oh, that's 'cause, um, haven't
made the appointment yet.
What? Why?
Judy, come on, we've gone through
this. You have to follow up.
I know. I just
I don't
- I don't wanna know.
- Oh.
I just wanna stay here.
- In my safe room.
- Oh, girlie.
We aren't at the apocalypse yet, okay?
What if it's coming?
What if it's not good?
Then we fucking fight.
Like we do.
'Cause we are a couple of badass,
pregnant, cancerous bitches.
Okay?
Okay.
Laguna Oncology. Thanks for holding.
Hi. Hi. This is Judy Hale.
I'm calling to schedule my PET-CT scan.
One moment, please.
Thank you.
Oh, fuck.
Look, I don't know how
to tell you this, but
I found something upsetting
on my street cam footage.
You did?
I mean, I'm thinking
about going to the police,
but I thought it was
only fair to warn you.
Warn me about what?
You never know what kind of
sicko is living right next door.
- Karen
- Hang on. Now, where
- Karen.
- Oh, wait, let me favorite that one.
- You need to do that now?
- Oh, that's cute.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Karen.
Oh, here.
Look at this.
Hmm?
Jen, we can't let this guy buy my house.
- No.
- No.
- No.
- No.
I mean
what kind of creep goes
through someone's garbage?
With gloves and everything? Gloves.
- This is premeditated.
- Yeah.
Now you see why I own so many guns?
I do. Yeah.
Yeah.
Mrs. Harding.
Hello again. Brought you something.
Oh, scones.