Dear White People (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

Chapter VII

1 [crowd shouting] [narrator] After years of academic excellence, over-achievement, and perfect finger waves, Troy Fairbanks snaps.
Don't shoot! That's my son! Dad, I'm cool.
[narrator] As Troy awaits his impending punishment, there are no nerves, because he's dreaming of freedom.
I'm sorry I let you down, Dad.
Maybe I come back next year.
Maybe I go to Europe.
Or South America.
I'm not particular.
You're not getting suspended.
So it'll be like nothing ever happened? You're welcome.
[narrator] The punishment may not fit the crime, but thus is the power of being a legacy.
Watch closely.
Remember Dr.
Adams? Though his theories were debunked as justification for slavery, like Jar Jar Binks and Omarosa, his belief in a scientific basis for white supremacy endured, resulting in the legacy admission program, established in 1922, to ensure the school's stock remained purely white.
Henry Adams rolls over in his grave, probably, as a generation of less pure students dream of their children, too, becoming legacy.
One such dreamer is Walter Fairbanks, whose legacy lives on in Fucking Mondays, am I right? [narrator] This guy.
Yo, if anybody has notes from Dr.
Paulson's nine a.
lecture, holla at your boy.
Woke up late as fuck! [narrator] Now, you might wonder why Troy let his image go from goody-goody to good-for nothing, but unlike his white peers, Troy finds there to be quite a chasm between legacy and liberation.
[Kurt] Hey, guys, Troy's here, and he brought us a box of popular.
[Jeffrey] There's actually a few financial upsides to mental disorders.
Uh Anorexia saves on food, uh, schizophrenia saves on - getting coffee with friends - We're doing a piece on cost-cutting.
It's like LifeHacker, but in no way helpful.
We're really proud.
I love how you all dick around on this magazine for four years, and bam, network job, book deal.
I picked the wrong track.
[Colin] "Dick around"? We're critiquing the lengths humans go to for the illusion of bettering ourselves.
To be fair, we do sometimes take pictures of Colin while he's sleeping with our dicks on his face.
- [laughs] - That explains the snake nightmares.
Yo, when black people wake up with a dick on their face, it usually means they're in prison or a gospel choir.
[laughing] When are you joining Pastiche? Please.
According to numerous op-eds in The Bugle, we need a black guy on staff to make these kinds of jokes, and you're funny.
Your drunk Maya Angelou is gold.
You sound just like her if she gratuitously used the n-word.
[laughs] I used to sneak into my dad's record collection.
For someone so uptight, he had a shit-ton of Richard Pryor albums.
I damn near memorized every word.
I even tried a few of his jokes at dinner once, but, um, didn't go over too well.
"Nigga, this ain't Showtime at the Apollo.
It's dinnertime at the Fairbanks'.
- [laughing] - [Kurt] Ah.
Now I see that your Maya Angelou is just Dean Fairbanks with a woman's voice.
[laughing] [mock accent] Enough work for today.
Would you like to get shit-faced, Jeffrey? [accented] I would love to, Colin.
Troy? [accented] Thank you, my good fellow.
I'd love some of your finest lean.
[Kurt] Mm.
[accented] I, too, shall partake.
[all] Cheers.
[chattering] [laughing] Do you realize that one of those people watching you piss in the Andrew Beaumont fountain was, in fact, Andrew Beaumont? I do now.
Troy, why you out there, cooning for these white boys? - Dad, they're my friends.
- Friends? They're laughing at you, not with you, fool! [sighs] Come on.
Now! - What is this? - [Fairbanks] Take a seat, son.
So, is this a black Illuminati situation? Those amateurs.
Congressman? Troy, blacks make up only 1% of the 1%, and it'd be a lot less, were it not for the legacies we've worked so hard to groom at the Ivies.
[alumna] The progress we've made is tied very much to your success.
It's taken us a century to gain a foothold among the truly powerful.
The doors are finally open.
It'd be a waste to see someone with so much potential not walk through.
Well, I did just get invited to join Pastiche.
You're one of our most promising legacies.
No one wants to see you be the token black guy on Saturday Night Live.
We think a better step for you is to run for A-P's Head of House.
Well, that's the dorm bi Individual no one likes.
[congressman] I was Head of House.
[alumna] As was I.
As was I.
All right, next up, we got some comedy from our ex-student body president, who will shatter your expectations.
[laughing] [Nelson] Get it? Shatter? 'Cause of the window? [laughing] Troy Fairbanks, everybody! [cheering] [Troy] What's up? And white people are crazy.
You won't catch black people streaking during finals.
[laughs] That would just be too much dick slinging.
[laughs] And, uh [clears throat] And if I may speak for my better half, I appreciate the enthusiasm that white girls have for giving head.
I mean, they suck it like it's a competition.
[laughs] But black chicks, they like [woman] Maybe don't nobody want to suck your little dick! [laughing] [clears throat] All right, Winchester, that's, uh that's my time.
[woman] What the fuck was that? Okay, well, that was, uh, something.
Next up, my man Vijal! [cheering] So I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, he's from New Jersey!" No, no, I am actually from India.
Hey, Troy.
So, uh, you doing comedy now? Yeah, that was, um, illuminating.
I had no idea that's what black chicks be like.
So informative.
[audience laughing] This crowd is whack as shit.
- No shit.
- The whackest.
I support you.
So the other day, my computer crashes.
I get someone from IT, and this motherfucker can't understand what I'm saying! [laughing] That's how Indian I am.
[laughing] [panting] Murdered it.
Can I ask you something? Yes, I am open to a three-way, but I'm partial to redheads.
That's not what I was gonna ask, but good to know.
All right, this is random, but Do you think I'm funny? You have abs.
What do you need funny for? [cell phone vibrates] Ah, I gotta go.
But I thought you and Coco didn't get into Pegasus.
She didn't.
Yeah, I just I don't know.
I knew it would crush her if I told her, and I can't do that to my bestie.
Oh, come on.
You know the rules are different for us.
Is it fair? No.
Is it fun? Yes.
Last night was so rough, I couldn't even fuck it away.
What matters is you keep trying.
The fucking.
You should definitely give up on the comedy.
No one's gonna come to your funeral.
You know, real talk, though? Wish you'd seen it.
I can use some tips.
So, I did see your set online, but it wasn't all garbage.
It just What's this about? Is this a new hobby? A cry for help? Hey, be real.
I think of you like a brother.
And not just the way that black people say it.
I guess I just always wanted to try this.
Well, you can't just coast by on your charm.
Comedy it's a muscle.
You gotta work on this shit.
So what's your approach, your point of view? I'm the funny black guy.
Not according to the comments.
Evening, gentlemen.
[Kurt] Nate.
What is your point of view as a comedy writer? Feels blatantly expositional.
We doing a podcast? We're giving Troy direction.
I guess I consider myself an existential absurdist.
Life has no meaning.
Let's laugh at it.
Overbearing devil's advocate.
Popular things are suspect.
Incessant contrarian or not.
- [laughs] - And I'm smug and entitled, but with a purpose.
Free speech is more important than its content.
Except for all this alt-right shit on campus right now has me yearning for yester-year, when people were quietly racist.
You know, like my Pappy Fletcher.
He was at our kinder-graduation.
He was not quiet about it.
Like, at all.
[laughing] [laughs] So, Troy, your point of view is Oh, wait, I know.
Student politician Tiger Woods.
No, no, no, mug shot Tiger Woods.
No, he's the black Tiger Woods! [laughing] - Ooh.
- You're all assholes.
Wait, wait, wait, Troy, Troy, Troy.
I have a better idea.
Just hear me out.
Nothing helps you find your voice like shrooms.
Much like our friend Ariel after Ursula became hotter Ariel and totally banged Prince Eric.
[Colin] Dude, you've taken a beautiful story of a young woman's coming-of-age and you've turned it into something untoward.
- Coming.
- [laughing] What is wrong with you? [Kurt] I don't know.
Well, gentlemen, to fresh perspective.
Lions eating candy Y'all feeling it? 'Cause I have a high tolerance.
I smoke so much, I - [creaking sound] - [shatters] [gasps] So this is what the men who wrote the Gospel must have felt like.
Wicked high? Fearful of women? In tune.
If I'm being honest, I think I prefer mermaid Ariel.
Is it weird that my first wet dream was to Ursula? A little bit.
But the only problem is, where do you find the - What's that word? Hole? - Okay, your pescaphilia is making me feel really uncomfortable.
[Nate] Like, who am I supposed to report that to? Could everyone see how sad I was? How'd I get here? We walked.
Hey, where are you going? [Troy] I know where my voice is! - Cool.
- [laughs] This really isn't the best time for a walk down memory lane.
All I need is two minutes.
You've seen the afterlife, Reg.
He needs your wisdom.
Look, I'm on a quest to find my voice.
You helped me do that once.
I just want to know, if someone were to ask you today, "Who's Troy Fairbanks?" what would you say? I'll think on that, and I'll get back to you.
Did I mention the quest? Nigga, how high are you? I'm grounded.
In touch with the earth in a way that Ah, that high.
To answer your question, I guess I'd say You're kind of like the black guy in a white sitcom.
Everything you do and say seems designed to make them laugh.
I should have worn a different jacket.
I look like Bill Nye the Science Nigga.
See? Total token black guy quip.
You told me to be brutally honest.
Now look, I've done some polling, and you've only got about a 20% chance of winning Head of House.
You gotta engage the woke contingent.
So you don't think I'm black enough for A-P? I mean, what you want me to do? Fuck a Kardashian? Too black.
I spent my whole life learning how to disarm white people, and now my own won't trust me.
You're a bridge to that world, man.
That's why I'm helping you.
You just gotta get our folks to see you're for us and not them.
I'll make it simple.
Get her on your side.
[Troy] Sam? That's her name, right? She's amazing.
The real deal.
Just brilliant, passionate When she speaks, people sit up.
Never really noticed before.
Bro, how is that possible? She's all I notice.
You know, I think she's starting to notice me too.
The other day, she asked me to fix her computer, which I did, but I also installed a tiny virus, so somebody's gonna be coming back to Reggie for more help.
Well, what if she asks somebody else because you didn't fix it right the first time? Fuck.
We need to finalize [man] Come on now.
We gotta do something.
This won't be easy, will it? Troy, this is your problem, man.
You spend too much time thinking about how other people see you.
A side note: your Insta has gotten way out of hand.
I'm documenting my life.
Why does you complaining about Mondays have to involve me seeing your nipples? Wait.
You were in love with Sam.
What? Nah, man.
I was so focused on winning, I didn't even Dude, I'm so sorry.
It's Just drop it.
- Man.
- [professor] Yes.
Reggie seems uncomfortable discussing his love life, so maybe soul-search outside my classroom? My quest continues.
Good day, sir.
Wait, I think I'm actually registered for this class.
[Joelle] This shit is crazy.
How does something like Silvio even happen? A black woman speaks truth, and society loses its mind.
Apparently, even conflicted gay Mexicans.
Not all gay Mexicans.
Just this one.
Shout out to my gay Mexicans or Mexicans in general.
Or Latinx, if that's what you prefer - This buyback is exhausting.
We get it.
- [thuds] - God, Jesus in heaven! - Oh, for fuck's sake! Troy, we're on the air.
Let's do an interview.
I'm feeling hella open, Sam.
Hella open.
Please close.
What the fuck, girl? [Troy] There's, like, a million tiny little eyes that never blink.
I don't know.
A segment with whatever entity's inhabiting Troy's body would be kind of lit.
All right, we will be back after this hopefully very quick break.
Silvio Romo, this one's for you.
- Fuck you - Fuck you - Fuck you - Fuck you Troy Just how close to Richard Pryor status are we? Don't worry.
I only took a bunch of shrooms.
[both] Ah, hell.
[Troy] Sam, what was I to you? Freshman year, what'd you see in me? You were a lot of things to me, Troy.
Mostly, like, the worst parts of Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas combined.
That's so sweet.
[laughs] But Now that I see the real you Why are you covering up like God's watching? Because He is.
And it's awkward with the lights on.
My flaws and all.
Well, after a very thorough inspection, you have nary a flaw.
On your face Your body And your mind.
And definitely not on that fat ass.
Oh! [laughing] No, stop! That's how you got me naked in the first place.
You didn't make it easy.
And yet, he persisted.
With your charming ass.
You think I could get a few people to elect me Head of House.
If you win BSU over, you're there.
They didn't see me as black enough at first, and they came around.
I could talk to them.
Set up a Q&A.
Aw, you'd do that for me? [laughs] Consider it done.
[cell phone vibrates] [Sam] You made me feel like I was in a love song.
Which is why I now view all love songs as aspirational lies designed to feel human suffering and thus capitalism.
She's literally always saying that.
[Sam] When we broke up, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Once I let the fantasy of the man you were die repeatedly all I could see was this little boy.
A boy so eager to please, he becomes whatever people want him to become.
And there's power in that, I suppose, if you ever figured out how to use it.
But somehow, I guess, despite all our shit, I just can't help but root for you.
I was so focused on my bullshit.
Sam, how could I do that to you? And Reggie, too.
I destroyed what could've been for you guys.
Thanks, Sam.
Gotta go.
[sniffs, sighs] Uh, what are you doing? Oh, just killing Troy Fairbanks.
- Just be a minute.
- Whoa, whoa, is that my Lacoste shirt? Wear it if you tuck it in.
The alligator's still intact.
It's a crocodile.
Troy, you realize you're burning thousands of dollars' worth of clothes during our clothing drive? Eep.
Also, we have a new president now, even if that position was secured through totally nefarious means.
[Coco] James, you voted for me.
- I want that Roc Nation internship! - No.
Meeting adjourned.
I'm starting to get a headache from the stench of failure coming off of Troy's tired tweed.
Coco! Look, please listen.
I treated you poorly, and you have every right to be upset.
Just let me stop you there.
You don't need to apologize.
I get it.
I was just a body to you.
But you're the one who's just a body.
A shell.
There is nothing about your life that's alive.
It's not even yours.
You're just someone else's legacy, like Muffy.
She reeks of you.
[scoffs] Look, how do I make it right? I don't want to be right with you.
I've made sacrifices to get out of your tornado's path, and I'm better for it.
[Coco] Stop fooling yourself into thinking that you're on some kind of a journey.
Or that you'll have a breakthrough after all that's happened.
You jumped off your daddy's ship into the icy cold depths of the sea, grasping for a life vest.
I only keep one, Troy, and it's taken.
Oh, shit.
Sorbet, is that you? Don't be so hard on yourself, Troy.
Society doesn't reward [barks] introspection in black men.
In my 18 months on this earth, I've noticed black masculinity, left unfettered, can grow toxic like a tumor.
- I have a tumor? - Troy, focus.
The real question is, who are you when all of that is removed? Are you just a body, like Coco suggests? Are you your feelings, like the ones Sam felt for you? Are you made up of the thoughts of others, as Reggie implied? Or are you pure [barks] consciousness? Uh You're none of them.
If you were your body, you would have more control over your sex-capades.
If you were your feelings or thoughts, you wouldn't have to constantly numb them, and as far as pure consciousness, all it took was some stems and caps and here you are, talking to a dog.
Then why would you give me a multiple-choice question if there's no answer? I've already said too much.
We're not even supposed to talk to you.
[growls] - [barks] - Hey, wait! I've led you to water, but do not drink.
People pee in fountains you specifically.
["Thus Sprach Zarathustra" playing] You have to live with that? And it's straight? Our god is a vengeful god.
Troy, buddy are you okay? You're buck-naked.
I'm being reborn, Lionel.
Are all our dates gonna end this weird? Hey, come on.
Let's get you out of there, man.
You're all wet.
What are you looking at? What the fuck? What the fuck, indeed.
[sighs] Do you realize how many people you let down by showing your ass literally? [sighs] If you're about to trot out your Negro Justice League, just let me know so I can put some pants on.
What is it with you and these fountains? - I'm trying to find - What, trouble? Expulsion? Jail? No, me.
I'm trying to find me.
And just who is that? I have no idea.
Zero clue.
You've never given me the room to figure that out.
I will not apologize for having your best interests at heart.
Everything that I have done - has been to shield you from - Look around.
You failed.
The only thing you ever did for me is teach me how to use people, like you use me, and it's so ingrained in me, I don't even see myself doing it! Use you? Everything I do is for You.
It's for you.
Last week, I was chilling with Reggie, and he said the craziest thing.
He said he was going through a hard time, and you were there for him.
Just as I am here for you.
You listened to him.
You didn't tell him what to do or treat him like some fucking puppet.
You trusted that he'd figure it out.
And the whole time he's talking, I'm thinking to myself, "Who is this guy? When do I get to meet him?" Maybe you should go.
That's some skunk-ass weed you got there, son.
Am I still tripping? [Fairbanks] Just remember, this is the world you're trying to find yourself in.
[Troy] Countless generations have fought for my right to attend the great Winchester, and the only thing I've mastered is how to light my junk.
[laughing] Guys, what happened to us? I mean, we used to be gentlemen.
Like, can you imagine a Civil War soldier writing his wife? "My dearest Elizabeth, I've missed you so, as I imagine you've missed this dick.
" [laughing] "Enclosed, please find a daguerreotype of the aforementioned.
" [laughing] I mean, guys, we gotta do better.
- [woman] Yeah! - [woman 2] Yep! I know I do.
This is Winchester.
So when these women recognize that you ain't shit, mm, they do a dissertation on the fact that [laughs] you weren't shit, aren't shit, will never be shit.
[laughing] [woman] Yeah! Whoo! And they're not wrong.
Mixed emotions, guys.
[man] Mm-hmm.
Mixed emotions.
[cheers and applause] [rock music playing] And to think All along I was lost But not alone Now I've crossed To the unknown And I'm looking for A way back home A way back home Where does this door go I haven't been through It's not feeling normal What do I do And after all I thought that I knew Where does this door go