Death Comes to Town (2010) s01e05 Episode Script

The Butterfly is to Blame

Narrator: Previously on "Death Comes to Town:" Have you noticed that she's been sick an awful lot in the morning, sort of like an almost morning sickness.
Hi Death.
What? Can you see me? Yes.
Marilyn: Heather Weather, I'm accusing you of murdering my husband.
Officers, arrest that woman.
I wonder if we were missed at the funeral.
Hmm? You can say that again.
(Snoring) (Snorts) Morning lover.
Get out! (Giggling) I don't usually leave until the gentleman in question makes me a poached egg.
When will we be seeing you again? I'm seeing the fiery links of hell.
It's hot.
Oh, now it's freezing over.
That's when you'll be seeing me again.
When hell freezes over.
Had a great time, gotta go now.
Oh, no girls, really, please come on.
(Scoffs) (Phone rings) (Beeping) Oh, let it be Ricky.
Come on, let it be Ricky! Marnie: I'm walking down the driveway, I'm almost at the door.
I'm at the door.
I'm going through the door.
I'm done going through the door.
I'm passing Ricky at the table, I'm passing the coffee table.
I'm going to the- Whoo.
Wow, what a brooch! And why do we need a camera again? Marnie I can't leave the house, but you can leave the house for me.
I need you to be my eyes and my ears.
I need to know what's going on in the courtroom, for my investigation.
Your investigation? What will happen to my investigation? Hm? Sorry, fuzzies.
Marnie, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.
I need to know who really killed the Mayor and I need your help.
Just like an episode of Murder She Wrote, starring that wonderful actress, Winston Churchill.
Hm? She's very good.
So if a girl has a calypso ringtone? That means she sleeps around.
That's right.
And if a girl has a classical ringtone? That's the girl you marry? Right.
Heather: Agh! You people, you arrested me without any evidence.
This is obviously a conspiracy against a rising star.
Shuckton's power elite.
Corrinda, Marilyn, the poison beige.
She looks upset.
Come on, move it along, nothing to see here! Aahhhh! There they are.
I think she sees us.
Time for the slide of shame.
Heather: You better hide! Girl: Can't wait to get my test result.
(Whistling) Doctor: Corrinda, Corrinda you stop that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sorry, it's just a little distracting.
All right.
Ah, okay.
Well ah Yep.
You are definitely pregnant.
What?! No, no, no.
I can't be.
These instruments don't lie.
In fact I can tell you exactly when you got pregnant if you'd like.
It was the other night at 2:45 A.
Oh my God.
Hey, let me get a road map and I'll tell you where you got pregnant.
No, no, no, please don't, don't bother.
All right, all right, suit yourself.
So Corrinda, what's it gonna be, huh? Well, I can't have a baby right now.
It's a really bad time.
Yeah, understood.
So put you back up in them stirrups and we'll take care of it.
I mean, the father's mood is somewhere between like cavalier and hostile.
I know what you mean.
And you can't drink when you're pregnant, can you? No, no, I understand.
Well, I just bought two cases it's delicious and what am I supposed to do, just throw it out? Well, it's a good thing we found out.
Besides, I'm only 43 and a half years old, there's plenty of time left for children.
Ah, no.
Oh no.
I'm afraid what you've got baby wise Corrinda is a small window of opportunity.
No, a woman in my shape should be able to have a baby for the next ten years.
Corrinda, you know I've done all the tests I can do on you and I've had a pretty good look around and I'm afraid you're, you're down to your last egg.
What?! Are you sure? Last call for alcohol egg wise.
This, this is a hard decision.
Hey, you know, I think I've got something that might help you.
I'm pretty sure I've got one left.
It's a practice baby.
Doctor: You carry it around and get an idea what it feels like to be a mother.
You know, it's very realistic too.
It's a, you know it cries and it pees and the whole thing.
I think I got one in here.
(Effort grunts) There we go.
Oh my God, isn't that a real baby? Yeah, yeah.
Like I said we like to make the experience as real as possible.
(Baby coos) Last egg, this is my last egg last egg this is my last egg, I know hmm-hmm Whoo! Yeah! Heather: Bitch.
Ow! Heather?! You had a fly on your shoulder.
Oh, thank you.
(Reel cranks) This is the life, eh buddy? Two best friends, men's men enjoying each other's company, out in the wilderness, communing with nature.
Everything natural, nothing unnatural at all.
How can they expect me to go to work when the fish are biting like this.
Ooh, looks like you got a little nibble there, Larry.
That's it, work it, oh my friend don't panic, I'm here.
Help is on the way, coach.
That's right, play with it, yes, let her play, let her know who's boss.
Ooh she's a strong one, she wants to get away, but we don't want to let her get away, do we Larry?! Larry, Larry! Agh! Oh, well That's a fine pickle this fish seems to have landed us in, eh? What? You want a kiss? Well, if that's what you want.
Ooh, that wasn't so bad.
What? You want another.
Well, I think that can be arranged, coach Bowman.
Hmm You're looking much better today, Buttonhole.
(Baby talking) Nurse: Morning hellos.
You is um Sam Murray.
Yes I am.
I am Is Hester.
Doctor's be telling me you want very expensive 24 hour nurse for should be dead cat.
He's fine and yes.
Hello there.
This must be Buttonhole.
Hello little Mr.
(Vicious groan and hiss) Is very sick.
Is very, very, very, very sick.
It's going to be very expensive.
I know.
Isn't modern technology amazing? If this were ten years ago he would have already died.
Ten years earlier.
Now there's a few things you have to do for Buttonhole, for instance you have to flip him every 65 seconds, if you don't do that there's a danger of his heart melting.
(Pained moan) Sam: Now sometimes he's gonna want to pee, but he'll forget how, so if you could just pee on him a little that will get him to pee.
Is funny story about that, before I am is being a nurse, I used to charge $300 to do that.
And the good news is Buttonhole now is in just half a coma and only has pain when he exhales, he tries to avoid that and has a tendency to inflate.
And it's a dollar every 12 minutes to keep his liver working.
(Machine whirs) Are there any questions? Yes, why is are you not letting nice cat die.
No Buttonhole, don't listen, you are not going to an early grave.
(Cat moans and groans) I love you too.
Hm? (Chatter in the courtroom) Ricky: Ricky from headquarters, testing, testing.
1, 2, 3.
Marnie, can you hear me? Marnie: Yes, Ricky, I can hear you.
Ricky: Show me everyone's faces, I need to see who's there.
Very carefully look around and (Gasps) Hey, look it's Rampop.
But where's Marilyn, very interesting.
Shooters, yeah.
You know, forget about the budget.
Lets drink.
Another one.
Ricky: Now, get back to work.
There is a lot of people here and I don't wanna (Gasps) And there's doc Porterhouse.
Do you think that maybe he was Marnie: Come on, Ricky, a man like that can never keep a secret.
Do you want to find the murder or waste my GD time? I'm sorry, I know you're under stress.
Just keep moving.
That's right.
Go up.
(Gasps) Who's that guy? Marnie: He's just some drifter staying at the no tell.
He likes owls meat on his pizza.
Ricky: Owls meat? (Groans) (Static) (Gasps) What the hell just happened? Marnie, can you hear me?! It's Ricky from headquarters! Marnie! Ricky, can you hear me? I can't hear you, Ricky.
Ricky, I can't hear you! (Groans) Bailiff: All rise! Marnie: Rise, they want me to rise, Ricky, but I've already risen.
I don't know what to do.
Judge: Be seated.
Good morning.
I have an announcement to make that may affect the course of this trial.
Yesterday someone stole my first string gavel.
Now someone has taken my second string gavel, (gasps of disbelief) So I had to bring this hammer from my workshop.
(Crowd groans) All right, look, look.
It is just going to have to do.
Let's begin.
(Bangs hammer) The district attorney may make his opening remarks.
Yow! Guilty! Oww! (Laughter and applause) Come on, judgy judge.
Come on.
Yeah! Whooo! Oh yeah, let's get 'em.
Let's go! Oh, you're dirty Ow! Ow! Yeah! I'm done! (Applause) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it's great to be here in Shuckton.
(Snores) Before this trial is over I will prove without a benefit of a doubt that this man Whose name I forget at this moment is guilty.
Proof? Folks, I have plenty of proof.
I'm a proof machine.
Ow! (Jazzy music plays, he speaks to the rhythm of the music) He was found at the scene of the crime, he was swimming in the Mayor's blood.
He's an outsider.
I think the person that's guilty is you! (Applause) Yeah! Very nicely done.
Judge: All right.
We'll now hear from the defence, Sam Murray.
Where is Sam? He's tardy your honour.
Judge: What?! Sam: I'm here! Sorry I'm late your honour, traffic.
Traffic in Shuckton, really? Sorry, cat emergency, but I'm all yours now and I've been up all night working on my great opening remarks.
Ah jeez.
Ooh, wrong briefcase.
This is my cat's portable litter box.
Sam Murray, I'm a patient man, but this is my life at stake here and you're Hey, hey, hey, hey Are you texting your cat? Yes, but just to tell him I can't text for a few hours.
Okay Sam, that's it! You're fired.
Crowd: (Shocked gasps) What? You heard me, you're fired.
Get out of here.
Come on, get your sorry white ass out of here, come on, Scoot.
Get out of here you piece of crap.
Hey! Still friends, eh? Sure.
Anybody here want to represent me? Come on, anyone? All right.
Anybody in the jury? Look, look, look.
The jury can't defend you.
Oh, how about you, your honour? No! Fine, I'll represent myself.
Crowd: (Murmurs) This never works out.
All right, I'll allow it.
I'll hear your opening remarks.
(Clears throat) Your honour Oh! (Native chanting) I did it.
(Crowd gasps) Whoooo! Ye-ow! Order! Crim: I killed the Mayor! Judge: I said order! Crim: I'm a Mayor killer! I can't stop killing mayors.
Your honour, may I have a word with my client? Didn't he just fire you? Technically speaking, but may I? And what am I supposed to do while you're having this conference.
Take Spanish lessons? Sam: Sorry your honour, it's just that I really Judge: No, I Sam, I'm not being sarcastic, I'm taking Spanish lessons, I'm going on a trip with the wife.
Go ahead.
Asienten todos.
Be seated.
Why did you say you killed the Mayor? Well, I didn't know I killed the Mayor until that moment, Sam.
You see my spirit bear came to me in a vision and told me what happened that night.
On the night in question I was high on germ gel, driving my chip truck, when all of a sudden my spirit bear appeared before me.
(Tires screech) Crimston! Spirit bear? Hello Crim, how are you? Wasted bear.
I need your help, Crim.
I need you to kill the Mayor.
Kill the Mayor.
Yes, kill the Mayor.
Okay, I'll kill the Mayor.
Kill the Mayor.
I'll kill the Mayor.
And that's the last thing that I remember, Sam.
So because I do everything that my spirit bear tells me to do, henceforth I must have killed the Mayor.
I killed the Mayor, Sam.
I'm a cold blooded Mayor killer.
No, no! I'm a killer, I killed him.
I killed him, Sam! No, you didn't! Your honour, may I approach the bench? Tu eres un abogado.
It means you're a lawyer.
All right, come on.
Then I get to come too, it's in the rules.
Your honour, in actuality the defendant was merely recounting an drug induced dream and I think it's only fair that we strike it from the record.
(Opposing sounds) Yes.
Oh yes.
I'm going to deliberate.
All right, I've deliberated.
I'm going to allow it.
Ahhh! Judge: Strike that from the record.
But wait, are you or are you not representing Mr.
Hollingsworth? Take me back and I'll get you off.
All: (Laugh) (Laughter) I promise.
Sam It's a deal, but with one proviso.
Sam: He's got a knife! He's got a knife?! Crim: No, no, I just want us to be blood brothers.
All: Oh (Realizing) He's got a knife.
Sam, he just wants to be your blood brother.
Yeah, I know, but still he's got a.
Yow, he cut me.
(Native call) You're kidding.
Judge: Let the record show that the defendant and the defense attorney are now blood brothers.
We'll continue this tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Court's adjourned (native singing) He's native? He looks pretty white to me.
(Phone rings) Heather: Levon, it's crazy.
How is she going to appear on camera with that bun in her already oversized oven.
Yeah, you got a point there.
I mean this in the nicest way, but I'm going to blab to the whole town about that bastard baby.
That is nice.
What I need to know is, Levon sweetheart, is that Heather please don't flirt with me.
Last time you did it, I lost 2 teeth, fine, so if she does quit to have this baby, then am I in line for her job? Well, Heather I can tell you this much, off the record.
You're definitely in line to be put on the list of people who are in line to get on the short list of people who may possibly get this potential job.
Really, I'm that close.
Oh, that's fantastic.
What is going on?! Is there a change in the offing? Maybe.
(Groans) (Groans) (Inhaling and buzzing sounds) (Gasps) (Laughs) Ah, gotcha! It's not your time yet, little buddy.
(Laughs) Rampop: Death, where are you going? Death? (Clears throat) Hello, this is Heather Wea No more serious, lower.
Hello, this is Heather Weather, not reporting the weather, but the news, that's right, not corrinda, it's Heather Weather with the latest news from the courthouse.
Rampop: Huh? Hello.
What are you doing here? Agh! Aghhh! Ahhhh! (Struggling grunts) (Screaming) Aw! Heather: (Pained screams) Ahhhh! Ow! (Vacuum whirs) (Celebratory grunting) Oh! Argghhhh!