Defending the Guilty (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 The time is 6.
10.
Barristers, valiant public defenders, or a waste of taxpayers' money? The Government seems to have taken a view.
- Try this one.
- One critic accuses its legal aid plans of "cutting justice for all as if it were chips for dinner.
" That critic is Ashley Jeevaratnam, barrister and blogger, and he joins us now.
Mr Jeevaratnam, good morning.
Good morning, Kirsty, yes, I blog at the compassionatebarrister.
com So, how should barristers be paid? Well, this is a very serious matter.
Crap! Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Caroline, it's a fit-up.
Now, don't get me wrong, I hated Hassan.
I could have done it.
I wanted to do it.
Yeah, you also said you'd do it.
Barman overheard you talking to Johnny Rhino in the pub.
Yeah I was angry.
Said I'd smash Hassan's head in with a hammer.
And two hours later, he's in a coma, head bashed in with a wrench.
There's a difference.
Can't you use that? Look, it was hard talk! Ask Johnny.
We sat and watched The Apprentice together later.
I'd calmed right down.
Sorry.
Morning, sorry I'm late, I got held up at security.
Mike, this is Will, my hot young pupil.
Hey, Mike, been reading your brief Great stuff! Thanks for that, Will! We'll put that on the back under the quote from Stephen Fry.
Mummy wants her croissant! Fuck, I love pastry! You going to be a barrister, then? Oh, yeah, fingers crossed! I'm actually only three months in and there are four of us and Chambers are only going to give one place.
So, it's actually kind of scary! Yeah? Tough breaks, eh? Right, let's see.
Okay, so, witness hears you in The Stag, Hassan gets battered, police turn up at your gaff, find a wrench with his blood on.
Mike, I want to get you off, but we've got fewer defence points than I have viable eggs.
So, tell me something that helps.
Did you get any frozen? Case-related.
Not egg-related.
I might actually have something.
Okay, so, the police had everything around Hassan's body analysed.
But he actually crawled to where he was found.
He was hit here by the table.
And on the table were some of these things.
Worry beads.
Now, these are not Hassan's, but the police never had them analysed.
So, what I'm thinking is, we get the police to analyse the beads, we find the real killer, we get you home, Mike.
Away from this whole ordeal.
Maybe don't get those analysed.
They actually sort of look like my worry beads.
I had 'em stolen recently.
Might have my prints on.
Look, I realise this complicates things.
Okay.
We offer a deal.
They drop the big charge, we admit grievous bodily harm.
Plead to GBH? Yeah, I mean I might have wanted to hurt him, but I didn't want to murder him.
- You said you were nowhere near him.
- It's either/or, innit? He is very guilty.
Yes, well.
That's the thing about being a criminal barrister, Will.
- You do meet criminals.
- Yeah, it's such a waste of resources.
- All those innocent people out there.
- Where? Out there? Aren't there? I take your word for it.
Now, baby boy, I have crucial business for you.
I left my laptop charger in Chambers.
I need you to fetch it for me, please.
From Chambers? That'll take hours.
Well, it needs doing, Will.
Mummy needs her power.
Actually, do you mind not calling yourself Mummy? It's just, it is a little weird.
But Mummy wants to call herself Mummy.
Okay, well, fine, then.
- Hey! - There you are.
I'd almost forgotten what you sounded like.
How's it going? Oh, knackered.
I was up working till 2am and now Caroline's got me travelling halfway across town.
Okay, so, you're running a lot of errands.
You knew it was going to be like this.
Yeah, it's fine.
I'm 29 and my job is fetching chargers and pastry.
Sorry! At this conference, we're talking about famine and refugee camps in South Sudan.
What were you saying about your job? I'm saying it's the worst.
Poor me.
This is worse than any other human is experiencing at the moment.
Remember, this is what you wanted.
You know, making a difference, helping people in need.
Yeah, I am helping people in need mostly, I guess.
Although today, we've got this absolute murderer - I'm sorry, I've got to go.
Save it.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye, love you.
- All right, bye! Love you t Hey, Will.
The junior tenants did odds on which of us will get tenancy.
I'm Hot Robot! Sorry, Pia.
That's so objectifying.
What? Oh, yes.
Feminism.
So if Danielle is Angry Chav, then I'm guessing I'm DJ Stupid.
I guess because of the headphones? And the nodding? You know that nodding you do, that really annoying nodding? The DJ himself! Wills! Shouldn't you be in Harringay? Oh, I just had to pop back.
Urgent business for Caroline.
- Seen the Deathball, then.
- Yeah! Just a little joke, isn't it? Just a bit of fun.
Yeah.
It's just a bit of fun.
- What's that? - What's what? - That! Huge brief in your hands.
- Oh, this! Just a massive organised crime case for Miles.
Two gangland bosses.
Four-year-long sting.
Multiple CHISes.
Oh, sorry.
CHIS means Covert Intel Source.
A paid grass, thank you, Liam.
Liam says it sounds like "jizz"! Well, I mean, objectively it does sound like "jizz".
So, what, the head of chambers just gave you this huge case, did he? I guess it must be hard for you and Danielle.
Because if we get all the best jobs now, how are you ever going to overtake us? It's a cruel system.
We go up and up, while you go round and down ad infi-shite-um.
Liam, you have seen that your nickname is Lanky Poison Twat? Seen it? Reclaimed it.
Made it a badge of pride.
Call me LPT.
- Hey, Danielle! - All right? Will, I'm headed to court.
You can come with if you like.
Fuck off, Liam.
- I didn't say anything.
- Yeah, well, keep it that way.
Sitting there smirking like you shat somewhere secret.
- Good to go? - Yeah.
"Angry chav"? Wankers! My boyfriend Dave remortgaged his house so I could go to law school.
Made dumping him really hard.
Now, I'm losing to Law Barbie and that human lube-stick.
- Least you're not last.
- All right, make it about you.
I work constantly.
I fetch a fuckload of coffee.
Plus, my pupil-master's the biggest prick! Ashley does this thing where he says something is not something and it's like automatically funny.
He'll be like, "This meal is not uncold," or "This evidence is not undamning.
" I find it not un-fucking-annoying.
Caroline's okay.
We get on fine.
You can't get on that fine.
You're losing at Deathball.
Caroline's your pupil-master.
Who do you think tipped off the other tenants? With your headphones on through the drizzled pane Of a wet slate roof Sun will turn to rain Why are you the one? Couldn't take the pain Something good'll happen Wait and see Something good'll happen Wait and see Hey, sorry! Ever had a little faith? Ever had a little faith? One charger.
Got your post as well.
Becca, hey! Mr Packham, one of our junior tenants got delayed.
We got a youth being sentenced for street robbery and I need you to hold her hand till he turns up.
Aah, sorry, Becca.
It's just, I think Caroline needs me.
- Caroline doesn't need you.
- I don't need you.
- You don't need me? - Nope.
Okay.
Well, just send me the details and I'll take care of it.
Cheers.
Hi, Caroline you know how we're three months in now? I was just wondering if you had any feedback for me? Any areas for improvement Your wig's too white.
A wig that clean says: "I am a clueless novice "who has never successfully pleasured a woman.
" - Okay, cool.
Thanks.
- Is this about Deathball? No.
No way.
Caroline, I'm last You can't get nervous about that stuff.
What makes a barrister? The brain of a fox.
The liver of an ox The hugest of cocks, right.
- The hugest of cocks.
- Right.
So, take that trouser Orca of yours and get me a cinnamon twist.
Oh, no.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
- Caroline? - Cinnamon twist.
The latest bar access stats are out.
Kids from working-class backgrounds are at such a disadvantage, I mentioned it on the radio this morning, I think it's a very serious matter.
Sorry, I didn't listen.
Oh, God, no, no! It's nothing.
I'm sure I was awful.
It's just Don't think I'm not aware.
I'm deeply aware.
- Would you like a coffee, Ashley? - Yes.
That would be not unwelcome.
Radio's Ashley Jeevaratnam.
There you are.
Caroline! They asked and I said yes.
- I didn't hear it.
- No! Quite right too.
It was nothing.
Piece of shit.
Any chance of carving it today? You drop the attempt.
We'll plead to GBH.
I'd love to, but your guy's got previous 18s, aggravated burglary.
- He is a very naughty boy.
- Go on! Carve it.
You want to.
Caroline, if I carved, I'd be making a booboo.
And we can't be making booboos, can we? QC interviews next week.
Oh.
Those are then, are they? Don't pretend.
I know you're up for it too.
Actually, I've been pushing for more women at silk level.
I think it's a very serious matter.
Actually, I didn't apply.
I mean, what's silk? I don't need my talent confirmed by some cloak of worm spunk.
Is that really what silk is? How it's made.
Fine, don't carve.
We're going not guilty.
- Oh, come off it, you've got nothing! - Have I? I'm going to rain shit on you like the BFG after a vindaloo.
She didn't do it, Mr Packham! I didn't do it, it wasn't me! I'm serious, she wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone a nurse.
You gotta tell them.
You gotta appeal! Go lawful on their arses.
- Mind your language! - Shut your face.
I'm not going to prison for talking like a 12A.
Thank you, Gracie.
So, this is a sentence.
You've been convicted and we can't change that.
But we're going to write a letter to the judge, explaining things.
Explaining how sorry you are.
Except I'm not cos I never done it.
Yes.
But this could stop you from getting put in custody So I have to say I done it even when I didn't? Think of it as like a sacrifice.
- You know, like for a greater good.
- Right.
Some Sydney Carton shiz.
Yes! Sidney Carton shiz.
Sorry, who? - Sydney Carton in Tale of Two Cities, duh! - She's a big reader.
Love a bit of Dickens.
Mainly though, I like poetry.
Bit of Maya Angelou or Carol Ann Duffy.
That is really cool, Gracie.
Love that.
Represent.
"I am truly sorry for any harm I did Miss Kessel.
" Prize-winning.
Try this.
"What we did to Miss Kessel I remember like a bad dream.
"And for the rest of my life, "I'll carry the pain of knowing I fell from my true self.
" Grace, this is amazing.
Top of my class creative writing.
Probably be a novelist when I'm older.
Or a slam poet.
Yes! Why shouldn't you be? I honestly didn't do it, Will.
I was just trying to stop the others.
You do believe me, don't you? Of course.
And you are not getting custody.
Not with this baby.
There are some really splendid word choices.
Well, young lady, I have read your letter, and as you have clearly shown remorse, I am not inclined to send you into custody.
I'll make a referral order and you can go home.
Gracie.
At least she didn't get custody.
That could have broken her soul.
Her sweet, fierce, lyrical soul.
Yeah.
She almost certainly did it.
- Probably the ringleader.
- Well, my instinct says no.
Whatever.
We're working on Mike now.
Great.
Saint Mike the Murderer.
Oh, I see.
Mike doesn't prang your Guardianista erection.
Will, what do you think we're doing this for? - Doing what for? - This.
You know, the reading, the talking, the working with screw-ups like Mike instead of nice people with Cath Kidston tea-towels and children mostly called Alfie.
What are we doing this for? Justice Jesus! No! To win.
A barrister burns to win.
Where do you get your fire? Were you bullied at school? Did your mum ignore you or your dad demean you? Who the fuck are you, Will? Cos you need to find that.
At the moment it's all a bit A bit what? Hufflepuff.
Hu What?! Caroline, did you say any of this to the junior tenants? The ones who are doing the Deathball? Edited version.
For your own good.
Cool.
No, that's great.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, the defendant has entered a not guilty plea.
We'll start first thing in the morning.
Court rise.
- DJ Stupide.
- Liam? What you doing here? Special business.
Lives depend on it, so Caroline, never seen you in court dress before.
- The effect is powerful.
- Thanks, dimples.
Why are you never nice like that? So, what say we adjourn to the local watering hole to take libations? Oh, come on, we hardly ever drink together! This is nice, isn't it? Getting away from the office, all the competition and shit about tenancy.
I've been wanting to talk to you.
About the tenancy competition? Thing is Will, we guys, we shouldn't be wasting time trying to destroy each other.
Were we trying to destroy each other? No! No, no, no.
I'm just saying, it's Pia and Danielle who have the advantage here.
Cos most of the senior tenants are men, right? So, they'll be flirting with them, making themselves indispensable.
We've got to watch out for it.
First sign of any manoeuvres from Charlotte Church, you come to me.
Gotcha.
Hey.
I am in love.
Six o'clock.
She's got her back to us.
But you can tell.
- Might stride on up and drop the B bomb.
- Does B stand for Barrister! Women love it, Will.
They want to get bare and jiggy with the horsehair wiggy You should go and speak to her.
Stop talking to me.
No, I'm going to bide my time, mate.
- Stalk the prey.
- Nice one, Liam, that's masterful Hi, excuse me.
Hi! Hello, hi! Sorry, my friend and I were having a bit of a heated argument about whose tie is better How heated can that be? Pretty close to physical violence, actually.
- It's a good thing that you're here.
- Because I'd deck him! Hi, I'm Liam.
I'm a barrister.
Currently focusing on organised crime, but hoping to specialise in trafficking and high-value fraud.
- I think his tie's better than yours.
- Oh, no! Pwned, my friend! Shucks.
And, now, as a prize, Liam here is going to buy you a thank-you drink.
- Surely it's loser buys drinks - I think that would be too much humiliation.
Maybe I want you humiliated.
Will, quick question.
How's your girlfriend? She is fine.
Nessa is fine.
Thank you for asking, Liam.
I think I'm just going to leave you two guys to chat, if that's okay.
He's got a girlfriend.
I'll pay you back.
How was your chat with the young Prince Philip? So, he's worried that you and Pia are going to sex your way to tenancy.
Not a bad idea.
I could rub Ashley's nipples while he reads me the latest poverty statistics.
You okay? You spoke to Caroline? Yeah, like I thought really it's fine.
She had a few pointers, but as expected, really, just really excellent feedback on the whole.
If anything, I'm doing too well.
Didn't I see you earlier today? In the court.
Maybe.
I don't really notice women, so Such a good boyfriend! Do you Will, right? Selina.
Aren't you going to ask me what I was in court for? My guess is something really wicked.
You're good! Guess my crime.
Paedo.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'm very drunk and cannot be held responsible for what I do Actually I can totally be held responsible.
Intoxication only goes to intent.
Is this law stuff? Yeah, so basically, to be guilty of a crime, normally you have to do it and also intend to do it.
But sometimes when you're drunk, maybe you don't intend what you do to have the consequences that it has.
For instance, you might hit someone over the head with a glass but not intend to maim him.
Right.
Or perhaps you could place yourself really close to a girl and not intend to kiss her.
- Maybe.
- Maybe.
But what if she kisses you? It's complicated.
Legally.
Morning, Will, good to see you! Caroline, really looking forward to what you've got! No point hanging around.
Let's empanel the jury.
Where did you go last night? Me? Must have lurched off.
Not my fault.
Not anyone's fault.
Selina Veisi! Oh, mother of all fucks! No objections from counsel, I hope? It's not my fault.
She said she was a criminal! Something wrong, Ms Bratt? Your honour, my pupil, Mr Packham, is acquainted with juror number 3.
How so, Mr Packham? Your Honour, hardly at all, it's just we met last night.
Casually? I don't think that's a problem.
Mr Packham won't be addressing the jury.
Sorry, Your Honour.
It's just, there was a kiss.
A simple kiss? There were tongues.
As in, it was a French kiss.
Avec tongues.
Not loads obviously.
Just two.
My tongue.
And her tongue.
I mean you're not involved.
She's not your girlfriend? Oh, Christ, no, no.
That's Ness.
That's Nessa Fuck! Sorry, didn't mean to say "fuck".
It happened, so What I would like to get, Your Honour, is a rewind, - by which I mean - Are you done? Yes.
Thank you, Ms Veisi, you are excused.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.
I wouldn't even have spoken to her if Liam hadn't been Crap! Can you ask for more time? Caroline, can you ask for more time? Your Honour, I need to ask for some time I'll give you ten minutes, Ms Bratt.
Your Honour.
What is wrong with you? - There's a CHIS.
- A grass? How do you make that out? So, the victim was attacked on Tuesday evening.
Come Wednesday afternoon, there's one unit of police at Mike's.
At the same time, there's another unit interviewing the barman.
The one that's supposed to have told them about Mike.
God, you're right.
this has got CHIS all over it.
Sorry It's fine Okay, so Liam was here yesterday afternoon.
He's working on this gangland case and he was boasting to us about his big CHIS.
Tenner says it's Johnny Rhino.
Mike's mate from the pub.
That's why Liam was here.
To check up on us.
Johnny's Old Firm, he's their source for the big case as well as ours.
And if it gets out, the police's biggest operation in years is fucked! I am going to shaft Ashley so hard, it'll need a soundtrack by Isaac Hayes.
Okay.
So, the police do have a CHIS.
But his identity cannot be revealed, nor need it be.
Is it Johnny Rhino? We neither confirm or deny.
Okay, say it was Johnny.
It doesn't matter where the intel came from.
If it's true, it's true.
- And it is true.
- Sure.
Unless, say, DI Soulsby's paid CHIS had the chance to set up my client I mean, did he have the chance? Johnny Rhino watched The Apprentice at Mike's, night of the attack.
Lots of time to plant a spanner.
What is this? Johnny didn't plant anything.
Fine.
Well, I'll call Johnny and he can tell that to a jury.
If we reveal Johnny's identity, he's dead within a week.
- Four years' police work goes down the tube.
- I don't give an arse.
And the judge will say either you give us a fair trial or you jog on.
She is not incorrect.
So, Ash, what'll it be? Drop charges? Or watch the Police Commissioner's biggest CHIS in years slipping through your fingers? - We'll drop charges.
- Super.
Will, Mummy could murder a pain au raisin.
Well played, Will.
That'll mean points in the Deathball.
Yep.
All hail the valiant defender of wholly guilty psychopaths! Well, it all balances.
You stopped that poet kid from going into custody.
Sure.
If Gracie's rhymes can inspire just one more person than Mike viciously murders Weird, innit? You think it's going to be a battle of the minds.
Actually, it's just people fucking up.
Liam.
Johnny Rhino.
- The police.
- Yeah.
- Right from those beads.
- What beads? Do you remember those worry beads on the table? They were Mike's.
The police just didn't even have them tested.
Will! They haven't dropped the charges yet.
Yes, they have.
Ashley said they did.
No.
They've gotta take it out in front of the judge.
- What am I going to do? - Well, you can't tell 'em.
- That'll make me look an idiot.
- No, of course not.
No, excuse me! You're seriously going to tell them! - Too right, I am.
- It'll finish me.
- You're meant to be my friend! - Fuck that.
- This is my chance to go second.
- Sorry! Stop running! You look ridiculous! Oh, no, you fucking don't - What the fuck? - Aw, mate! Must've taken a wrong turn.
- Good luck with that door.
- Oh! You! Touche.
Very well, then.
If the Crown is offering no evidence, members of the jury, you are discharged.
Young lady dropped that off earlier, Mr Packham.
Gracie! Will! - Thank you! - Headphones, phone - Gracie, seriously?! - Laptop.
Hey, Will, be clever, just lie there for 30 seconds, or Jake here will cut you.
- Cool.
- There's a wig in here? Oh, give it him.
He needs it.
Excuse me? See you around.
Rude.
10.
Barristers, valiant public defenders, or a waste of taxpayers' money? The Government seems to have taken a view.
- Try this one.
- One critic accuses its legal aid plans of "cutting justice for all as if it were chips for dinner.
" That critic is Ashley Jeevaratnam, barrister and blogger, and he joins us now.
Mr Jeevaratnam, good morning.
Good morning, Kirsty, yes, I blog at the compassionatebarrister.
com So, how should barristers be paid? Well, this is a very serious matter.
Crap! Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, sorry.
Caroline, it's a fit-up.
Now, don't get me wrong, I hated Hassan.
I could have done it.
I wanted to do it.
Yeah, you also said you'd do it.
Barman overheard you talking to Johnny Rhino in the pub.
Yeah I was angry.
Said I'd smash Hassan's head in with a hammer.
And two hours later, he's in a coma, head bashed in with a wrench.
There's a difference.
Can't you use that? Look, it was hard talk! Ask Johnny.
We sat and watched The Apprentice together later.
I'd calmed right down.
Sorry.
Morning, sorry I'm late, I got held up at security.
Mike, this is Will, my hot young pupil.
Hey, Mike, been reading your brief Great stuff! Thanks for that, Will! We'll put that on the back under the quote from Stephen Fry.
Mummy wants her croissant! Fuck, I love pastry! You going to be a barrister, then? Oh, yeah, fingers crossed! I'm actually only three months in and there are four of us and Chambers are only going to give one place.
So, it's actually kind of scary! Yeah? Tough breaks, eh? Right, let's see.
Okay, so, witness hears you in The Stag, Hassan gets battered, police turn up at your gaff, find a wrench with his blood on.
Mike, I want to get you off, but we've got fewer defence points than I have viable eggs.
So, tell me something that helps.
Did you get any frozen? Case-related.
Not egg-related.
I might actually have something.
Okay, so, the police had everything around Hassan's body analysed.
But he actually crawled to where he was found.
He was hit here by the table.
And on the table were some of these things.
Worry beads.
Now, these are not Hassan's, but the police never had them analysed.
So, what I'm thinking is, we get the police to analyse the beads, we find the real killer, we get you home, Mike.
Away from this whole ordeal.
Maybe don't get those analysed.
They actually sort of look like my worry beads.
I had 'em stolen recently.
Might have my prints on.
Look, I realise this complicates things.
Okay.
We offer a deal.
They drop the big charge, we admit grievous bodily harm.
Plead to GBH? Yeah, I mean I might have wanted to hurt him, but I didn't want to murder him.
- You said you were nowhere near him.
- It's either/or, innit? He is very guilty.
Yes, well.
That's the thing about being a criminal barrister, Will.
- You do meet criminals.
- Yeah, it's such a waste of resources.
- All those innocent people out there.
- Where? Out there? Aren't there? I take your word for it.
Now, baby boy, I have crucial business for you.
I left my laptop charger in Chambers.
I need you to fetch it for me, please.
From Chambers? That'll take hours.
Well, it needs doing, Will.
Mummy needs her power.
Actually, do you mind not calling yourself Mummy? It's just, it is a little weird.
But Mummy wants to call herself Mummy.
Okay, well, fine, then.
- Hey! - There you are.
I'd almost forgotten what you sounded like.
How's it going? Oh, knackered.
I was up working till 2am and now Caroline's got me travelling halfway across town.
Okay, so, you're running a lot of errands.
You knew it was going to be like this.
Yeah, it's fine.
I'm 29 and my job is fetching chargers and pastry.
Sorry! At this conference, we're talking about famine and refugee camps in South Sudan.
What were you saying about your job? I'm saying it's the worst.
Poor me.
This is worse than any other human is experiencing at the moment.
Remember, this is what you wanted.
You know, making a difference, helping people in need.
Yeah, I am helping people in need mostly, I guess.
Although today, we've got this absolute murderer - I'm sorry, I've got to go.
Save it.
- Okay.
- Okay, bye, love you.
- All right, bye! Love you t Hey, Will.
The junior tenants did odds on which of us will get tenancy.
I'm Hot Robot! Sorry, Pia.
That's so objectifying.
What? Oh, yes.
Feminism.
So if Danielle is Angry Chav, then I'm guessing I'm DJ Stupid.
I guess because of the headphones? And the nodding? You know that nodding you do, that really annoying nodding? The DJ himself! Wills! Shouldn't you be in Harringay? Oh, I just had to pop back.
Urgent business for Caroline.
- Seen the Deathball, then.
- Yeah! Just a little joke, isn't it? Just a bit of fun.
Yeah.
It's just a bit of fun.
- What's that? - What's what? - That! Huge brief in your hands.
- Oh, this! Just a massive organised crime case for Miles.
Two gangland bosses.
Four-year-long sting.
Multiple CHISes.
Oh, sorry.
CHIS means Covert Intel Source.
A paid grass, thank you, Liam.
Liam says it sounds like "jizz"! Well, I mean, objectively it does sound like "jizz".
So, what, the head of chambers just gave you this huge case, did he? I guess it must be hard for you and Danielle.
Because if we get all the best jobs now, how are you ever going to overtake us? It's a cruel system.
We go up and up, while you go round and down ad infi-shite-um.
Liam, you have seen that your nickname is Lanky Poison Twat? Seen it? Reclaimed it.
Made it a badge of pride.
Call me LPT.
- Hey, Danielle! - All right? Will, I'm headed to court.
You can come with if you like.
Fuck off, Liam.
- I didn't say anything.
- Yeah, well, keep it that way.
Sitting there smirking like you shat somewhere secret.
- Good to go? - Yeah.
"Angry chav"? Wankers! My boyfriend Dave remortgaged his house so I could go to law school.
Made dumping him really hard.
Now, I'm losing to Law Barbie and that human lube-stick.
- Least you're not last.
- All right, make it about you.
I work constantly.
I fetch a fuckload of coffee.
Plus, my pupil-master's the biggest prick! Ashley does this thing where he says something is not something and it's like automatically funny.
He'll be like, "This meal is not uncold," or "This evidence is not undamning.
" I find it not un-fucking-annoying.
Caroline's okay.
We get on fine.
You can't get on that fine.
You're losing at Deathball.
Caroline's your pupil-master.
Who do you think tipped off the other tenants? With your headphones on through the drizzled pane Of a wet slate roof Sun will turn to rain Why are you the one? Couldn't take the pain Something good'll happen Wait and see Something good'll happen Wait and see Hey, sorry! Ever had a little faith? Ever had a little faith? One charger.
Got your post as well.
Becca, hey! Mr Packham, one of our junior tenants got delayed.
We got a youth being sentenced for street robbery and I need you to hold her hand till he turns up.
Aah, sorry, Becca.
It's just, I think Caroline needs me.
- Caroline doesn't need you.
- I don't need you.
- You don't need me? - Nope.
Okay.
Well, just send me the details and I'll take care of it.
Cheers.
Hi, Caroline you know how we're three months in now? I was just wondering if you had any feedback for me? Any areas for improvement Your wig's too white.
A wig that clean says: "I am a clueless novice "who has never successfully pleasured a woman.
" - Okay, cool.
Thanks.
- Is this about Deathball? No.
No way.
Caroline, I'm last You can't get nervous about that stuff.
What makes a barrister? The brain of a fox.
The liver of an ox The hugest of cocks, right.
- The hugest of cocks.
- Right.
So, take that trouser Orca of yours and get me a cinnamon twist.
Oh, no.
No-no-no-no-no-no-no.
- Caroline? - Cinnamon twist.
The latest bar access stats are out.
Kids from working-class backgrounds are at such a disadvantage, I mentioned it on the radio this morning, I think it's a very serious matter.
Sorry, I didn't listen.
Oh, God, no, no! It's nothing.
I'm sure I was awful.
It's just Don't think I'm not aware.
I'm deeply aware.
- Would you like a coffee, Ashley? - Yes.
That would be not unwelcome.
Radio's Ashley Jeevaratnam.
There you are.
Caroline! They asked and I said yes.
- I didn't hear it.
- No! Quite right too.
It was nothing.
Piece of shit.
Any chance of carving it today? You drop the attempt.
We'll plead to GBH.
I'd love to, but your guy's got previous 18s, aggravated burglary.
- He is a very naughty boy.
- Go on! Carve it.
You want to.
Caroline, if I carved, I'd be making a booboo.
And we can't be making booboos, can we? QC interviews next week.
Oh.
Those are then, are they? Don't pretend.
I know you're up for it too.
Actually, I've been pushing for more women at silk level.
I think it's a very serious matter.
Actually, I didn't apply.
I mean, what's silk? I don't need my talent confirmed by some cloak of worm spunk.
Is that really what silk is? How it's made.
Fine, don't carve.
We're going not guilty.
- Oh, come off it, you've got nothing! - Have I? I'm going to rain shit on you like the BFG after a vindaloo.
She didn't do it, Mr Packham! I didn't do it, it wasn't me! I'm serious, she wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone a nurse.
You gotta tell them.
You gotta appeal! Go lawful on their arses.
- Mind your language! - Shut your face.
I'm not going to prison for talking like a 12A.
Thank you, Gracie.
So, this is a sentence.
You've been convicted and we can't change that.
But we're going to write a letter to the judge, explaining things.
Explaining how sorry you are.
Except I'm not cos I never done it.
Yes.
But this could stop you from getting put in custody So I have to say I done it even when I didn't? Think of it as like a sacrifice.
- You know, like for a greater good.
- Right.
Some Sydney Carton shiz.
Yes! Sidney Carton shiz.
Sorry, who? - Sydney Carton in Tale of Two Cities, duh! - She's a big reader.
Love a bit of Dickens.
Mainly though, I like poetry.
Bit of Maya Angelou or Carol Ann Duffy.
That is really cool, Gracie.
Love that.
Represent.
"I am truly sorry for any harm I did Miss Kessel.
" Prize-winning.
Try this.
"What we did to Miss Kessel I remember like a bad dream.
"And for the rest of my life, "I'll carry the pain of knowing I fell from my true self.
" Grace, this is amazing.
Top of my class creative writing.
Probably be a novelist when I'm older.
Or a slam poet.
Yes! Why shouldn't you be? I honestly didn't do it, Will.
I was just trying to stop the others.
You do believe me, don't you? Of course.
And you are not getting custody.
Not with this baby.
There are some really splendid word choices.
Well, young lady, I have read your letter, and as you have clearly shown remorse, I am not inclined to send you into custody.
I'll make a referral order and you can go home.
Gracie.
At least she didn't get custody.
That could have broken her soul.
Her sweet, fierce, lyrical soul.
Yeah.
She almost certainly did it.
- Probably the ringleader.
- Well, my instinct says no.
Whatever.
We're working on Mike now.
Great.
Saint Mike the Murderer.
Oh, I see.
Mike doesn't prang your Guardianista erection.
Will, what do you think we're doing this for? - Doing what for? - This.
You know, the reading, the talking, the working with screw-ups like Mike instead of nice people with Cath Kidston tea-towels and children mostly called Alfie.
What are we doing this for? Justice Jesus! No! To win.
A barrister burns to win.
Where do you get your fire? Were you bullied at school? Did your mum ignore you or your dad demean you? Who the fuck are you, Will? Cos you need to find that.
At the moment it's all a bit A bit what? Hufflepuff.
Hu What?! Caroline, did you say any of this to the junior tenants? The ones who are doing the Deathball? Edited version.
For your own good.
Cool.
No, that's great.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
So, the defendant has entered a not guilty plea.
We'll start first thing in the morning.
Court rise.
- DJ Stupide.
- Liam? What you doing here? Special business.
Lives depend on it, so Caroline, never seen you in court dress before.
- The effect is powerful.
- Thanks, dimples.
Why are you never nice like that? So, what say we adjourn to the local watering hole to take libations? Oh, come on, we hardly ever drink together! This is nice, isn't it? Getting away from the office, all the competition and shit about tenancy.
I've been wanting to talk to you.
About the tenancy competition? Thing is Will, we guys, we shouldn't be wasting time trying to destroy each other.
Were we trying to destroy each other? No! No, no, no.
I'm just saying, it's Pia and Danielle who have the advantage here.
Cos most of the senior tenants are men, right? So, they'll be flirting with them, making themselves indispensable.
We've got to watch out for it.
First sign of any manoeuvres from Charlotte Church, you come to me.
Gotcha.
Hey.
I am in love.
Six o'clock.
She's got her back to us.
But you can tell.
- Might stride on up and drop the B bomb.
- Does B stand for Barrister! Women love it, Will.
They want to get bare and jiggy with the horsehair wiggy You should go and speak to her.
Stop talking to me.
No, I'm going to bide my time, mate.
- Stalk the prey.
- Nice one, Liam, that's masterful Hi, excuse me.
Hi! Hello, hi! Sorry, my friend and I were having a bit of a heated argument about whose tie is better How heated can that be? Pretty close to physical violence, actually.
- It's a good thing that you're here.
- Because I'd deck him! Hi, I'm Liam.
I'm a barrister.
Currently focusing on organised crime, but hoping to specialise in trafficking and high-value fraud.
- I think his tie's better than yours.
- Oh, no! Pwned, my friend! Shucks.
And, now, as a prize, Liam here is going to buy you a thank-you drink.
- Surely it's loser buys drinks - I think that would be too much humiliation.
Maybe I want you humiliated.
Will, quick question.
How's your girlfriend? She is fine.
Nessa is fine.
Thank you for asking, Liam.
I think I'm just going to leave you two guys to chat, if that's okay.
He's got a girlfriend.
I'll pay you back.
How was your chat with the young Prince Philip? So, he's worried that you and Pia are going to sex your way to tenancy.
Not a bad idea.
I could rub Ashley's nipples while he reads me the latest poverty statistics.
You okay? You spoke to Caroline? Yeah, like I thought really it's fine.
She had a few pointers, but as expected, really, just really excellent feedback on the whole.
If anything, I'm doing too well.
Didn't I see you earlier today? In the court.
Maybe.
I don't really notice women, so Such a good boyfriend! Do you Will, right? Selina.
Aren't you going to ask me what I was in court for? My guess is something really wicked.
You're good! Guess my crime.
Paedo.
Okay.
Sorry.
I'm very drunk and cannot be held responsible for what I do Actually I can totally be held responsible.
Intoxication only goes to intent.
Is this law stuff? Yeah, so basically, to be guilty of a crime, normally you have to do it and also intend to do it.
But sometimes when you're drunk, maybe you don't intend what you do to have the consequences that it has.
For instance, you might hit someone over the head with a glass but not intend to maim him.
Right.
Or perhaps you could place yourself really close to a girl and not intend to kiss her.
- Maybe.
- Maybe.
But what if she kisses you? It's complicated.
Legally.
Morning, Will, good to see you! Caroline, really looking forward to what you've got! No point hanging around.
Let's empanel the jury.
Where did you go last night? Me? Must have lurched off.
Not my fault.
Not anyone's fault.
Selina Veisi! Oh, mother of all fucks! No objections from counsel, I hope? It's not my fault.
She said she was a criminal! Something wrong, Ms Bratt? Your honour, my pupil, Mr Packham, is acquainted with juror number 3.
How so, Mr Packham? Your Honour, hardly at all, it's just we met last night.
Casually? I don't think that's a problem.
Mr Packham won't be addressing the jury.
Sorry, Your Honour.
It's just, there was a kiss.
A simple kiss? There were tongues.
As in, it was a French kiss.
Avec tongues.
Not loads obviously.
Just two.
My tongue.
And her tongue.
I mean you're not involved.
She's not your girlfriend? Oh, Christ, no, no.
That's Ness.
That's Nessa Fuck! Sorry, didn't mean to say "fuck".
It happened, so What I would like to get, Your Honour, is a rewind, - by which I mean - Are you done? Yes.
Thank you, Ms Veisi, you are excused.
I'm sorry.
It wasn't my fault.
I wouldn't even have spoken to her if Liam hadn't been Crap! Can you ask for more time? Caroline, can you ask for more time? Your Honour, I need to ask for some time I'll give you ten minutes, Ms Bratt.
Your Honour.
What is wrong with you? - There's a CHIS.
- A grass? How do you make that out? So, the victim was attacked on Tuesday evening.
Come Wednesday afternoon, there's one unit of police at Mike's.
At the same time, there's another unit interviewing the barman.
The one that's supposed to have told them about Mike.
God, you're right.
this has got CHIS all over it.
Sorry It's fine Okay, so Liam was here yesterday afternoon.
He's working on this gangland case and he was boasting to us about his big CHIS.
Tenner says it's Johnny Rhino.
Mike's mate from the pub.
That's why Liam was here.
To check up on us.
Johnny's Old Firm, he's their source for the big case as well as ours.
And if it gets out, the police's biggest operation in years is fucked! I am going to shaft Ashley so hard, it'll need a soundtrack by Isaac Hayes.
Okay.
So, the police do have a CHIS.
But his identity cannot be revealed, nor need it be.
Is it Johnny Rhino? We neither confirm or deny.
Okay, say it was Johnny.
It doesn't matter where the intel came from.
If it's true, it's true.
- And it is true.
- Sure.
Unless, say, DI Soulsby's paid CHIS had the chance to set up my client I mean, did he have the chance? Johnny Rhino watched The Apprentice at Mike's, night of the attack.
Lots of time to plant a spanner.
What is this? Johnny didn't plant anything.
Fine.
Well, I'll call Johnny and he can tell that to a jury.
If we reveal Johnny's identity, he's dead within a week.
- Four years' police work goes down the tube.
- I don't give an arse.
And the judge will say either you give us a fair trial or you jog on.
She is not incorrect.
So, Ash, what'll it be? Drop charges? Or watch the Police Commissioner's biggest CHIS in years slipping through your fingers? - We'll drop charges.
- Super.
Will, Mummy could murder a pain au raisin.
Well played, Will.
That'll mean points in the Deathball.
Yep.
All hail the valiant defender of wholly guilty psychopaths! Well, it all balances.
You stopped that poet kid from going into custody.
Sure.
If Gracie's rhymes can inspire just one more person than Mike viciously murders Weird, innit? You think it's going to be a battle of the minds.
Actually, it's just people fucking up.
Liam.
Johnny Rhino.
- The police.
- Yeah.
- Right from those beads.
- What beads? Do you remember those worry beads on the table? They were Mike's.
The police just didn't even have them tested.
Will! They haven't dropped the charges yet.
Yes, they have.
Ashley said they did.
No.
They've gotta take it out in front of the judge.
- What am I going to do? - Well, you can't tell 'em.
- That'll make me look an idiot.
- No, of course not.
No, excuse me! You're seriously going to tell them! - Too right, I am.
- It'll finish me.
- You're meant to be my friend! - Fuck that.
- This is my chance to go second.
- Sorry! Stop running! You look ridiculous! Oh, no, you fucking don't - What the fuck? - Aw, mate! Must've taken a wrong turn.
- Good luck with that door.
- Oh! You! Touche.
Very well, then.
If the Crown is offering no evidence, members of the jury, you are discharged.
Young lady dropped that off earlier, Mr Packham.
Gracie! Will! - Thank you! - Headphones, phone - Gracie, seriously?! - Laptop.
Hey, Will, be clever, just lie there for 30 seconds, or Jake here will cut you.
- Cool.
- There's a wig in here? Oh, give it him.
He needs it.
Excuse me? See you around.
Rude.