Defending the Guilty (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 - What makes a barrister? - The brain of a fox.
The liver of an ox.
- The hugest of cocks.
- The hugest of cocks.
Where do you get your fire? Cos you need to find that.
At the moment, it's all a bit - Hufflepuff.
- The most important thing is that you be yourself.
There you go! Great.
Unless you want to apply for silk again, in which case, you have nine months to become someone different.
- I'm Will's girlfriend.
- Which one? The way it's looking, you are lying to me.
I'm not lying to you.
So, which do you think is more likely, that Pia was asking you which Will you meant, or that she was telling you to your face that I have another girlfriend? Oh, I'm so sorry! All back to normal, then.
Looks like it.
I've been an unbelievable piece of shit.
You have been an unbelievable piece of shit.
I'm sorry, Ness.
Also, I'm sorry, I thought this place would be quieter on a Wednesday, but I guess the football's on.
Do you think it's the job? Just seems to have changed you.
All the indifference, the hardness, all the "woohoo, I've got a granny-basher case".
What happened to you, Will? You know, I'd look at other guys and be like, "Yeah, he's fit," or, you know, "That one's very funny or successful, "but my Will ".
.
is just lovely.
" And I thought we were pretty great together.
Weren't we? I don't know, Ness.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to go.
There's a storm comin' You'd better run There's a storm comin' Goodbye to the sun There's a storm comin' You'd better Run, boy, run You'd better run Hey, Will! Liam's wearing his lucky charm, and the charm is his pants! Infallible magic, Wills.
These pants were worn to victory in the under-15 Westminster School's high-jump competition.
They've been my go-to cladding ever since.
Today's the day.
First solo cases.
What you got, Wills? Er, sentencing.
Drugs.
- Hoo-hoo, drugs! You nervous? - Not particularly.
- Why? - I just thought maybe you're the sort who freezes on the big day, quits, moves to the Hebrides, does things with yarn.
Cool.
Good luck, guys.
- All right? - Sorry, got to go.
What's going on with him? God knows.
Maybe his favourite podcast crew split up.
Well, I'm joyful.
Second six, on our feet, and we only have to see our pupil masters voluntarily.
Sometime this morning, I'm going to turn around, not see Ashley and most probably orgasm.
- What you got? - Plea and mit.
You? Power cut off.
£95, thank you very much.
Pia, what about you? Oh.
Private drink-and-driving trial in the Mags.
- What? - The fuck? Mm-hm.
I met this solicitor friend of Miles and we connected.
- When you say you connected? - Her favourite fruit is kiwis and we both really love Glee.
- Actively ignoring that.
- Yep.
Just going to have a lovely day.
- Hello? - Caroline! This is it.
You know we've been talking about increasing your public profile.
Well, they're having a discussion day about women in the law at the Southbank Centre tomorrow.
What's the Southbank Centre? Er, it's it's an arts centre.
On the South Bank.
- Of the Thames.
- Oh, yeah.
That.
- Fiona, it's really not my sort of thing.
- OK, listen, it is your sort of thing, because you want to be a QC and you are a leader, as a barrister and as a woman.
Yeah, I suppose I am those things.
What do they want from me? Biography? War stories? Hair tips? - They don't want hair tips.
- They haven't seen my hair.
They want to know what you're doing to fight for women and justice.
Blimey.
- I'll send you the details.
- Bye.
- Ah! Here he is.
- Hi.
Oh, they grow up so fast.
Sorry.
So, you've had your difficulties.
We've muddled through.
But now you are on your feet, and you will be deeply, deeply alone until the day you die in your wig.
Thank you, that's a great pep talk.
You'll make mistakes.
Don't admit to them.
Hide your weakness.
Bury your feelings.
Stay clear in your mind and cold in your heart.
And most importantly, tell no-one it's your first case.
No, I think that's all.
Make me proud.
He's a bit antsy.
Hasn't had any smack since he pleaded two days ago.
Doctor's meant to have brought some methadone, but, well Sure.
Cheers, thank you.
- Hey, Gavin.
- Hey, mate.
You OK? I'm great, mate.
I'm great.
W-W-W-Would you mind just moving that way a little? - Come over this way? - Yeah.
A bit further.
Yeah.
Keep going.
M-M-M-More to the side of the room.
- Is it all right if we? - Dude, would you move?! - All right, mate.
It's OK.
- I'm sorry, that was rude of me.
Just please get back.
- Here? - Turn round.
Just turn.
Yeah.
- M-More to the left.
- Gavin, I'm right in the corner.
Please, mate, I'm pleading with you here.
We're going to tip over.
- There's too much weight on this side.
- Gavin, YOU'RE on that side.
Yeah, but if I move, the snakes will get me.
OK, Gavin, listen to me.
You are hallucinating.
It's OK, but we need to talk about your case.
- What are you doing? - It's OK, work with me.
- Get back in the corner.
- No, I'm going to come round there, you're going to take your seat, and - Get back in the fucking - corner! - Relax.
Let's get rid of these snakes.
Don't need these.
Off they go.
Don't need those.
Give me your hand.
I'm on your side.
Take my hand.
- You're mad! - No, no, no, no, no! Erm Guard? Guard? Gavin? I remember Gavin.
I was his probation officer first time he came out of prison.
That was just for a bit of house theft, but he really got into drugs while he was inside.
Got the impression it really changed him.
Yeah.
I was thinking maybe he could have a rehabilitation order? Gavin? Nah.
It's his eighth offence, love.
What's the point? Maybe that is the point, that it's his eighth offence.
He's just cracked a hole in his skull.
The guy needs our help.
Is this your first time? No! Really? Cos you talk like it is.
They'll soon knock that out of you.
- If I fill - Ain't happening.
- OK.
Fiona! Ashley, listen, I've got to be quick.
I've heard a strong rumour from the QC applications board.
Yeah.
Hm! Yeah.
OK.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Bye.
Fuck! Fuck it! There he is! The boy has become a man.
Come in, let me look at you, see if you're any different.
Ah, I can't make anything out.
I didn't appear.
The guy head-butted his cell wall.
Oh, really? Druggie, was it? Yeah.
Cracked his head open.
There was blood all over the floor.
You tell it well.
Sit down.
I'm having a bit of trouble with this seminar.
Fiona's sent me a list of questions.
Ask me any one.
Go.
Erm, OK.
Why do you like your job? Why do I like my job? Why do I LIKE? God, that's a toughie, isn't it? What should I say? I dunno.
Can't you just make up some crap about baking, - like you normally do? - What's wrong with you, Pissy Elliott? Nothing, just the usual, just a client who's in pain and everyone too jaded to give a crap and me trying to get on with my job like it's normal.
But it's not normal, is it? It's uncaring and it's impersonal, and I guess it's starting - to get to me.
- Oh, it's good you got a tough one.
Hardens you.
Makes you a killer.
- Like you.
- Yes, like me.
Why do I LIKE my job? God, I haven't been this stumped since couples therapy.
Caroline, I don't want to be like you.
What? I'm sorry, I mean, no offence, but you're kind of awful.
You've got no friends.
You're constantly working without any sense of purpose.
You can't even answer a simple primary school career day question like, "Why do you like your job?" You've been doing this for 16 years.
You're about to apply to be a QC for the third time in a row.
That's an outrageous accusation.
You take that back.
Why is that the thing that bothers you? I've just told you that someone's cracked their skull open.
In case you haven't noticed, Will, what we do is down in the gutter, and things are grey.
Grey like Lincolnshire.
Grey like Christian Grey fucking the dog from the artist in Grey Gardens - in the grey light of dawn.
- Oh, fuck's sake.
I have a lot of respect for you, Caroline.
I really do, but if I turn out like this, I'm going to consider it a catastrophic fucking failure.
Tommo! Big Tom! Howdy.
Yeah, no, good, thanks.
Work has been absolutely mad, yeah.
So, listen, quick question, do you still live in that place in Dalston? You've moved? To Riga.
Wow! That's big.
Yeah, no, I just wanted to ask, do you and Joy still have that spare room? Oh, I see, right, yeah, she's already spoken to Nessa.
Hey, Danielle.
It's Will.
Just trying to get hold of you.
Give me a call back when you get this.
All right, cheers, bye.
- Hiya.
Can I get a pint of lager, please? - Sure.
Liam? Will Hey there.
Just having a celebratory drink.
- On your own? - Sure.
Cos I was so awesome today that telling anyone else would seem arrogant.
That's the last thing I would want.
Sure.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Liam, I'm sorry to ask, but you don't happen to have a spare room I - could borrow for the night, do you? - Sure.
I've got five.
Thanks, Liam.
I mean, it's my parents' house, so, technically, WE'VE got five.
THEY'VE got five.
Liam! Will! Been in the Coach & Horses.
Popped in for a nightcap.
You want to talk? You look like you might want to talk.
Not even sure how I ended up doing crime.
Started off doing commercial stuff.
Wasn't my thing.
Always been more street-smart than book-smart.
You've probably noticed.
- Sure.
- God, yeah.
Ugh! I'm waffling on.
You two have .
.
much bigger matters on your minds, as well.
- You're on your feet.
- Yeah.
Brilliant.
Crushed it.
And you've broken up with your girlfriend and are homeless.
Yep, that's my achievement.
I froze today - .
.
in court.
- What? I couldn't shake the thought there is a man's liberty depending on me.
Me.
Just some faintly educated guy .
.
standing there in a suit and a 14-year-old's pants.
I should just give it all up.
I'm a failure.
Liam, you're not a failure.
OK, cards on the table.
Do you guys think I'm a good barrister? Hmm? Do you think I'll ever be a QC? Er We don't really see you in court that much, Ashley, so No.
Of course not.
You know who would know? Danielle! Danielle! She lives here? She's supposed to be poor.
- Danielle! I'm out with the laddos.
- Ashley - Ashley, I think you need to quieten down a bit.
- Danielle! - Liam - Look, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.
You've got to shout it in a burst, like this.
Danielle! - You're just shouting at a building.
- Danielle! - Danielle! - Danielle! - Danielle! - It sounds like you're saying Daniel now.
- Danielle! - Danielle! Hey, pissheads! Shut up! What are you doing here? The Sisters of Our Lady of Prompt Succour, Kensington branch, offering bed and board for £500 a month, within walking distance of Chambers.
They have some weird rules, but I know a flipping good deal when I see one.
So, Liam told me you split up with Nessa.
Yep.
Because I cheated on her with the juror.
Oh.
I thought that was just, like, a one-time-kiss thing.
No.
And then .
.
I sort of gaslit Nessa a bit, I think.
How much gaslight? We talking Victorian parlour or late Georgian crescent? I guess the former, but still bad.
So, yeah, I sort of fucked everything up, I think.
You're on your feet today.
You need to perk up.
Yes - How did yours go? - Total trip.
Everyone looking at you.
Cleverest kid in the room.
Felt awesome.
That's good, man.
I'm not sure I deserve to feel awesome, but hey.
Madam, my client admits to his crimes, but in mitigation, he had a lot on at work and they'd been going out for, what, like, five years? - Five-and-a-half.
- Heck of a long time.
He's already served six days' custody under the pupil's room table.
Now, for sentence, I suggest a lifetime's community service being a passably good barrister.
Passably good? You reckon? Sure.
If you can clamber your way out your own arsehole.
Thanks, mate.
Very wise.
So, how are you going to repay me? Well, here's a little sweetener for starters.
Liam completely froze in court.
He utterly shat the bed.
Oh, that will do.
That'll do.
- Did he get his methadone? - Just last night.
I could try and wake him.
Never mind.
It's fine.
- We can do better.
- What? We can do better.
We've put this guy in prison, we've let him out, and every single time, he starts using again.
Over and over and over.
Yeah.
So kind of a hopeless case, innit? Except we've never actually tried the rehabilitation order, have we? - Look, Lorelei.
Lorelie, sorry.
- "Lorelay.
" "Lorelay.
" What did we get into this game for? Just sending people into prison willy-nilly? I don't think so.
Was that your big plan when you got into probation all those years ago? Six years ago.
I retrained from parking services, so Well, my point is that I know you are not just a drone.
I know you're a human being, and I know you can feel it when injustice is happening.
I know that you believe in giving people second chances.
And I know that you're going to give me that rehabilitation order.
Yeah, you got that wrong.
I am just a drone.
And I don't give a pair of shits about what happens to your client.
But sometimes, someone is so annoying it's easier to give in, so congratulations, you just reached that level of annoying.
- I'm doing it.
- You're doing it? - I'm doing it.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- What's the surname? - The surname is Packham.
Will Packham.
And I'm going to be annoying you a lot more in the - future, so get used to it.
- Gavin's surname.
Gavin's surname is Porter.
Gavin Porter.
- I'm really sorry about throwing that down.
I didn't mean to do it as hard as that.
- It's quite all right.
- You go get 'em, Packham.
- I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Gavin? I'm going to get you a result.
Court rise.
Next Mr Porter.
Yes, madam, I am Will Packham, - representing Mr Porter.
- Great.
So, Mr Porter is here for sentencing.
- Anything aggravating? - Some elements of public menace.
- Sure, sure.
But I see that the probation service has recommended some sort of rehabilitation requirement.
That's correct, madam.
Recently obtained.
Five years ago, my client became addicted to drugs while inside prison, and he has been imprisoned by drugs ever since.
He's been back behind bars a further four times, and not once has he been given the chance to recover.
Something needs to change.
Gavin .
.
has had a difficult life .
.
and he's committed a crime.
And as such, he deserves to be punished, but he also deserves some hope, a chance to leave the drugs behind.
- S-S-Sorry - Gavin - .
.
what do I deserve again? - It's OK.
Shhh.
I've gotcha.
Please forgive my client, madam, he's in withdrawal.
The thinking is a few hundred hours of community service alongside the requirement.
A few hundred hours?! Nah, I don't want to do a few hundred hours.
It's boring.
- Gavin, shhh.
- Yeah, well, you try doing it.
It's, like, painting and shit and gardening.
No, I ain't got time for that.
Come on.
Mr Packham, does your client really have the will to kick the drugs? - Kick the drugs?! No.
No, I won't.
- Gavin, come on, mate.
- You're looking at two months inside at this rate.
- Two months, yeah? Is that all? Yeah, well, two months in prison then back to the lovely drugs, please! He didn't mean that, madam.
He's probably a little bit high still.
Mr Packham, did your client not ask you to seek a rehabilitation order? No.
No, no.
I never asked.
- I actually said I didn't want it.
- You didn't say that.
He didn't say that, madam.
He was saying some things about snakes, - but he didn't say that he didn't want - Right, listen, I said I didn't want it.
I said Please, don't put me in drug camp.
You have no need to worry, Mr Porter.
Take a seat.
Mr Packham, this is really quite serious.
You are acting against the explicit wishes of your client.
Your High Not Your Highness.
Your Honour, or, er, madam is what I mean.
Erm I think this is probably just some kind of misunderstanding.
Your client's instructions are not meant to be misunderstood.
This is your first case, isn't it? No, madam, it isn't my first case.
Mr Packham, we all know it's your first case.
Your head clerk texted me to watch out for you.
- You're lying to the bench.
- Sorry, no.
It is my first case.
Sorry, I just had a erm, er, my brain farted.
You realise that this is contempt of court.
- Er, sort of.
- I could have you put in the cells.
Yes, you could, er, but you're not going to do that.
Are you? No.
You're right, it's too much.
- Go on, send him down.
- Yeah, go on, do it! "Kill him"! Ah, what the hell.
Take him down.
- What? - 20 minutes.
- You can't do that.
This is my court, I can do what the hell I want.
Well, if you can't do the time, you know - Are we really doing this? - Yeah.
In you go.
OK.
Welcome, everyone, and thank you, Caroline, for joining us.
So, what would you say to those who claim that even with recent legislation, the protection given to child witnesses is not enough? OK, well, this is a very serious matter.
These days, when kids are put on the stand, you're very limited in what you can ask them.
I mean, my nephew can't keep his story straight when he's nicked a biscuit.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So imagine that when they're explaining how Daddy hit Mummy.
They crumple like a wet sponge.
Is it different for women at the Bar? Yes, yes, it is.
Actually, when I was younger, a judge tried it on with me in his rooms.
Very much rejected, and the silly man is very ashamed, so let's just say when I'm in his - court now, things do tend to go my way.
- Erm, right.
Let's move on, shall we? Any questions from the audience? What do you like about being a barrister? Well, I like winning.
Really? After 15 years, surely there's something bigger.
Bigger? Yes, of course.
Erm Well, what I like about law is Well, the law is like, erm The law is .
.
like .
.
like gluten.
You know gluten? It's the protein that binds bread and pastry together.
It's not very pleasant on its own, kind of warty and elastic.
But once you have gluten, you can inflate it with yeast, you can suppress it with fat.
The eggs can mingle with the sugar or the almonds or the bloody courgette, if you like, and you can be pretty sure that everything will hold together.
And I think I quite like being part of that kind of structure.
What we do can be ugly, but it is needed in a way that only grey and unpleasant things are.
And just like gluten has its detractors, some people are allergic to it, and some people pretend to be allergic, and they're the worse kind of people around, but when you do without it .
.
things just taste shit.
Well, thank you very much, Caroline.
That was, er, illuminating.
- Well, look who it is.
- Hiya.
Enjoyed the speech.
Yeah, well, you've got to make some bollocks up, haven't you? Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Ah! - You've been blooded.
- Oh, right.
I was a bit concerned last night.
Yeah, sorry about that.
It's all right, but a mother worries.
Sure.
So, do you need somewhere to stay? I've got a spare room.
Ah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
My back's starting to spasm from sleeping on the floor! - Well, take my bag anyway.
- Yeah.
Just got a big juicy murder through, actually.
Probably get you a junior brief, if you fancy it.
God, yeah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
- Yeah, well, I need someone I can stand.
- Sure.
Nice here, isn't it? Have you been here before, the "South Bank"? - Yeah.
Why are you saying it like that? - Like what? - Like you've never heard of it.
- South Bank.
How do you say it? - It's the "Southbank".
- That's what I said.
The liver of an ox.
- The hugest of cocks.
- The hugest of cocks.
Where do you get your fire? Cos you need to find that.
At the moment, it's all a bit - Hufflepuff.
- The most important thing is that you be yourself.
There you go! Great.
Unless you want to apply for silk again, in which case, you have nine months to become someone different.
- I'm Will's girlfriend.
- Which one? The way it's looking, you are lying to me.
I'm not lying to you.
So, which do you think is more likely, that Pia was asking you which Will you meant, or that she was telling you to your face that I have another girlfriend? Oh, I'm so sorry! All back to normal, then.
Looks like it.
I've been an unbelievable piece of shit.
You have been an unbelievable piece of shit.
I'm sorry, Ness.
Also, I'm sorry, I thought this place would be quieter on a Wednesday, but I guess the football's on.
Do you think it's the job? Just seems to have changed you.
All the indifference, the hardness, all the "woohoo, I've got a granny-basher case".
What happened to you, Will? You know, I'd look at other guys and be like, "Yeah, he's fit," or, you know, "That one's very funny or successful, "but my Will ".
.
is just lovely.
" And I thought we were pretty great together.
Weren't we? I don't know, Ness.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to go.
There's a storm comin' You'd better run There's a storm comin' Goodbye to the sun There's a storm comin' You'd better Run, boy, run You'd better run Hey, Will! Liam's wearing his lucky charm, and the charm is his pants! Infallible magic, Wills.
These pants were worn to victory in the under-15 Westminster School's high-jump competition.
They've been my go-to cladding ever since.
Today's the day.
First solo cases.
What you got, Wills? Er, sentencing.
Drugs.
- Hoo-hoo, drugs! You nervous? - Not particularly.
- Why? - I just thought maybe you're the sort who freezes on the big day, quits, moves to the Hebrides, does things with yarn.
Cool.
Good luck, guys.
- All right? - Sorry, got to go.
What's going on with him? God knows.
Maybe his favourite podcast crew split up.
Well, I'm joyful.
Second six, on our feet, and we only have to see our pupil masters voluntarily.
Sometime this morning, I'm going to turn around, not see Ashley and most probably orgasm.
- What you got? - Plea and mit.
You? Power cut off.
£95, thank you very much.
Pia, what about you? Oh.
Private drink-and-driving trial in the Mags.
- What? - The fuck? Mm-hm.
I met this solicitor friend of Miles and we connected.
- When you say you connected? - Her favourite fruit is kiwis and we both really love Glee.
- Actively ignoring that.
- Yep.
Just going to have a lovely day.
- Hello? - Caroline! This is it.
You know we've been talking about increasing your public profile.
Well, they're having a discussion day about women in the law at the Southbank Centre tomorrow.
What's the Southbank Centre? Er, it's it's an arts centre.
On the South Bank.
- Of the Thames.
- Oh, yeah.
That.
- Fiona, it's really not my sort of thing.
- OK, listen, it is your sort of thing, because you want to be a QC and you are a leader, as a barrister and as a woman.
Yeah, I suppose I am those things.
What do they want from me? Biography? War stories? Hair tips? - They don't want hair tips.
- They haven't seen my hair.
They want to know what you're doing to fight for women and justice.
Blimey.
- I'll send you the details.
- Bye.
- Ah! Here he is.
- Hi.
Oh, they grow up so fast.
Sorry.
So, you've had your difficulties.
We've muddled through.
But now you are on your feet, and you will be deeply, deeply alone until the day you die in your wig.
Thank you, that's a great pep talk.
You'll make mistakes.
Don't admit to them.
Hide your weakness.
Bury your feelings.
Stay clear in your mind and cold in your heart.
And most importantly, tell no-one it's your first case.
No, I think that's all.
Make me proud.
He's a bit antsy.
Hasn't had any smack since he pleaded two days ago.
Doctor's meant to have brought some methadone, but, well Sure.
Cheers, thank you.
- Hey, Gavin.
- Hey, mate.
You OK? I'm great, mate.
I'm great.
W-W-W-Would you mind just moving that way a little? - Come over this way? - Yeah.
A bit further.
Yeah.
Keep going.
M-M-M-More to the side of the room.
- Is it all right if we? - Dude, would you move?! - All right, mate.
It's OK.
- I'm sorry, that was rude of me.
Just please get back.
- Here? - Turn round.
Just turn.
Yeah.
- M-More to the left.
- Gavin, I'm right in the corner.
Please, mate, I'm pleading with you here.
We're going to tip over.
- There's too much weight on this side.
- Gavin, YOU'RE on that side.
Yeah, but if I move, the snakes will get me.
OK, Gavin, listen to me.
You are hallucinating.
It's OK, but we need to talk about your case.
- What are you doing? - It's OK, work with me.
- Get back in the corner.
- No, I'm going to come round there, you're going to take your seat, and - Get back in the fucking - corner! - Relax.
Let's get rid of these snakes.
Don't need these.
Off they go.
Don't need those.
Give me your hand.
I'm on your side.
Take my hand.
- You're mad! - No, no, no, no, no! Erm Guard? Guard? Gavin? I remember Gavin.
I was his probation officer first time he came out of prison.
That was just for a bit of house theft, but he really got into drugs while he was inside.
Got the impression it really changed him.
Yeah.
I was thinking maybe he could have a rehabilitation order? Gavin? Nah.
It's his eighth offence, love.
What's the point? Maybe that is the point, that it's his eighth offence.
He's just cracked a hole in his skull.
The guy needs our help.
Is this your first time? No! Really? Cos you talk like it is.
They'll soon knock that out of you.
- If I fill - Ain't happening.
- OK.
Fiona! Ashley, listen, I've got to be quick.
I've heard a strong rumour from the QC applications board.
Yeah.
Hm! Yeah.
OK.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Bye.
Fuck! Fuck it! There he is! The boy has become a man.
Come in, let me look at you, see if you're any different.
Ah, I can't make anything out.
I didn't appear.
The guy head-butted his cell wall.
Oh, really? Druggie, was it? Yeah.
Cracked his head open.
There was blood all over the floor.
You tell it well.
Sit down.
I'm having a bit of trouble with this seminar.
Fiona's sent me a list of questions.
Ask me any one.
Go.
Erm, OK.
Why do you like your job? Why do I like my job? Why do I LIKE? God, that's a toughie, isn't it? What should I say? I dunno.
Can't you just make up some crap about baking, - like you normally do? - What's wrong with you, Pissy Elliott? Nothing, just the usual, just a client who's in pain and everyone too jaded to give a crap and me trying to get on with my job like it's normal.
But it's not normal, is it? It's uncaring and it's impersonal, and I guess it's starting - to get to me.
- Oh, it's good you got a tough one.
Hardens you.
Makes you a killer.
- Like you.
- Yes, like me.
Why do I LIKE my job? God, I haven't been this stumped since couples therapy.
Caroline, I don't want to be like you.
What? I'm sorry, I mean, no offence, but you're kind of awful.
You've got no friends.
You're constantly working without any sense of purpose.
You can't even answer a simple primary school career day question like, "Why do you like your job?" You've been doing this for 16 years.
You're about to apply to be a QC for the third time in a row.
That's an outrageous accusation.
You take that back.
Why is that the thing that bothers you? I've just told you that someone's cracked their skull open.
In case you haven't noticed, Will, what we do is down in the gutter, and things are grey.
Grey like Lincolnshire.
Grey like Christian Grey fucking the dog from the artist in Grey Gardens - in the grey light of dawn.
- Oh, fuck's sake.
I have a lot of respect for you, Caroline.
I really do, but if I turn out like this, I'm going to consider it a catastrophic fucking failure.
Tommo! Big Tom! Howdy.
Yeah, no, good, thanks.
Work has been absolutely mad, yeah.
So, listen, quick question, do you still live in that place in Dalston? You've moved? To Riga.
Wow! That's big.
Yeah, no, I just wanted to ask, do you and Joy still have that spare room? Oh, I see, right, yeah, she's already spoken to Nessa.
Hey, Danielle.
It's Will.
Just trying to get hold of you.
Give me a call back when you get this.
All right, cheers, bye.
- Hiya.
Can I get a pint of lager, please? - Sure.
Liam? Will Hey there.
Just having a celebratory drink.
- On your own? - Sure.
Cos I was so awesome today that telling anyone else would seem arrogant.
That's the last thing I would want.
Sure.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
Liam, I'm sorry to ask, but you don't happen to have a spare room I - could borrow for the night, do you? - Sure.
I've got five.
Thanks, Liam.
I mean, it's my parents' house, so, technically, WE'VE got five.
THEY'VE got five.
Liam! Will! Been in the Coach & Horses.
Popped in for a nightcap.
You want to talk? You look like you might want to talk.
Not even sure how I ended up doing crime.
Started off doing commercial stuff.
Wasn't my thing.
Always been more street-smart than book-smart.
You've probably noticed.
- Sure.
- God, yeah.
Ugh! I'm waffling on.
You two have .
.
much bigger matters on your minds, as well.
- You're on your feet.
- Yeah.
Brilliant.
Crushed it.
And you've broken up with your girlfriend and are homeless.
Yep, that's my achievement.
I froze today - .
.
in court.
- What? I couldn't shake the thought there is a man's liberty depending on me.
Me.
Just some faintly educated guy .
.
standing there in a suit and a 14-year-old's pants.
I should just give it all up.
I'm a failure.
Liam, you're not a failure.
OK, cards on the table.
Do you guys think I'm a good barrister? Hmm? Do you think I'll ever be a QC? Er We don't really see you in court that much, Ashley, so No.
Of course not.
You know who would know? Danielle! Danielle! She lives here? She's supposed to be poor.
- Danielle! I'm out with the laddos.
- Ashley - Ashley, I think you need to quieten down a bit.
- Danielle! - Liam - Look, Ashley, Ashley, Ashley.
You've got to shout it in a burst, like this.
Danielle! - You're just shouting at a building.
- Danielle! - Danielle! - Danielle! - Danielle! - It sounds like you're saying Daniel now.
- Danielle! - Danielle! Hey, pissheads! Shut up! What are you doing here? The Sisters of Our Lady of Prompt Succour, Kensington branch, offering bed and board for £500 a month, within walking distance of Chambers.
They have some weird rules, but I know a flipping good deal when I see one.
So, Liam told me you split up with Nessa.
Yep.
Because I cheated on her with the juror.
Oh.
I thought that was just, like, a one-time-kiss thing.
No.
And then .
.
I sort of gaslit Nessa a bit, I think.
How much gaslight? We talking Victorian parlour or late Georgian crescent? I guess the former, but still bad.
So, yeah, I sort of fucked everything up, I think.
You're on your feet today.
You need to perk up.
Yes - How did yours go? - Total trip.
Everyone looking at you.
Cleverest kid in the room.
Felt awesome.
That's good, man.
I'm not sure I deserve to feel awesome, but hey.
Madam, my client admits to his crimes, but in mitigation, he had a lot on at work and they'd been going out for, what, like, five years? - Five-and-a-half.
- Heck of a long time.
He's already served six days' custody under the pupil's room table.
Now, for sentence, I suggest a lifetime's community service being a passably good barrister.
Passably good? You reckon? Sure.
If you can clamber your way out your own arsehole.
Thanks, mate.
Very wise.
So, how are you going to repay me? Well, here's a little sweetener for starters.
Liam completely froze in court.
He utterly shat the bed.
Oh, that will do.
That'll do.
- Did he get his methadone? - Just last night.
I could try and wake him.
Never mind.
It's fine.
- We can do better.
- What? We can do better.
We've put this guy in prison, we've let him out, and every single time, he starts using again.
Over and over and over.
Yeah.
So kind of a hopeless case, innit? Except we've never actually tried the rehabilitation order, have we? - Look, Lorelei.
Lorelie, sorry.
- "Lorelay.
" "Lorelay.
" What did we get into this game for? Just sending people into prison willy-nilly? I don't think so.
Was that your big plan when you got into probation all those years ago? Six years ago.
I retrained from parking services, so Well, my point is that I know you are not just a drone.
I know you're a human being, and I know you can feel it when injustice is happening.
I know that you believe in giving people second chances.
And I know that you're going to give me that rehabilitation order.
Yeah, you got that wrong.
I am just a drone.
And I don't give a pair of shits about what happens to your client.
But sometimes, someone is so annoying it's easier to give in, so congratulations, you just reached that level of annoying.
- I'm doing it.
- You're doing it? - I'm doing it.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- What's the surname? - The surname is Packham.
Will Packham.
And I'm going to be annoying you a lot more in the - future, so get used to it.
- Gavin's surname.
Gavin's surname is Porter.
Gavin Porter.
- I'm really sorry about throwing that down.
I didn't mean to do it as hard as that.
- It's quite all right.
- You go get 'em, Packham.
- I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Gavin? I'm going to get you a result.
Court rise.
Next Mr Porter.
Yes, madam, I am Will Packham, - representing Mr Porter.
- Great.
So, Mr Porter is here for sentencing.
- Anything aggravating? - Some elements of public menace.
- Sure, sure.
But I see that the probation service has recommended some sort of rehabilitation requirement.
That's correct, madam.
Recently obtained.
Five years ago, my client became addicted to drugs while inside prison, and he has been imprisoned by drugs ever since.
He's been back behind bars a further four times, and not once has he been given the chance to recover.
Something needs to change.
Gavin .
.
has had a difficult life .
.
and he's committed a crime.
And as such, he deserves to be punished, but he also deserves some hope, a chance to leave the drugs behind.
- S-S-Sorry - Gavin - .
.
what do I deserve again? - It's OK.
Shhh.
I've gotcha.
Please forgive my client, madam, he's in withdrawal.
The thinking is a few hundred hours of community service alongside the requirement.
A few hundred hours?! Nah, I don't want to do a few hundred hours.
It's boring.
- Gavin, shhh.
- Yeah, well, you try doing it.
It's, like, painting and shit and gardening.
No, I ain't got time for that.
Come on.
Mr Packham, does your client really have the will to kick the drugs? - Kick the drugs?! No.
No, I won't.
- Gavin, come on, mate.
- You're looking at two months inside at this rate.
- Two months, yeah? Is that all? Yeah, well, two months in prison then back to the lovely drugs, please! He didn't mean that, madam.
He's probably a little bit high still.
Mr Packham, did your client not ask you to seek a rehabilitation order? No.
No, no.
I never asked.
- I actually said I didn't want it.
- You didn't say that.
He didn't say that, madam.
He was saying some things about snakes, - but he didn't say that he didn't want - Right, listen, I said I didn't want it.
I said Please, don't put me in drug camp.
You have no need to worry, Mr Porter.
Take a seat.
Mr Packham, this is really quite serious.
You are acting against the explicit wishes of your client.
Your High Not Your Highness.
Your Honour, or, er, madam is what I mean.
Erm I think this is probably just some kind of misunderstanding.
Your client's instructions are not meant to be misunderstood.
This is your first case, isn't it? No, madam, it isn't my first case.
Mr Packham, we all know it's your first case.
Your head clerk texted me to watch out for you.
- You're lying to the bench.
- Sorry, no.
It is my first case.
Sorry, I just had a erm, er, my brain farted.
You realise that this is contempt of court.
- Er, sort of.
- I could have you put in the cells.
Yes, you could, er, but you're not going to do that.
Are you? No.
You're right, it's too much.
- Go on, send him down.
- Yeah, go on, do it! "Kill him"! Ah, what the hell.
Take him down.
- What? - 20 minutes.
- You can't do that.
This is my court, I can do what the hell I want.
Well, if you can't do the time, you know - Are we really doing this? - Yeah.
In you go.
OK.
Welcome, everyone, and thank you, Caroline, for joining us.
So, what would you say to those who claim that even with recent legislation, the protection given to child witnesses is not enough? OK, well, this is a very serious matter.
These days, when kids are put on the stand, you're very limited in what you can ask them.
I mean, my nephew can't keep his story straight when he's nicked a biscuit.
Yeah.
Exactly.
So imagine that when they're explaining how Daddy hit Mummy.
They crumple like a wet sponge.
Is it different for women at the Bar? Yes, yes, it is.
Actually, when I was younger, a judge tried it on with me in his rooms.
Very much rejected, and the silly man is very ashamed, so let's just say when I'm in his - court now, things do tend to go my way.
- Erm, right.
Let's move on, shall we? Any questions from the audience? What do you like about being a barrister? Well, I like winning.
Really? After 15 years, surely there's something bigger.
Bigger? Yes, of course.
Erm Well, what I like about law is Well, the law is like, erm The law is .
.
like .
.
like gluten.
You know gluten? It's the protein that binds bread and pastry together.
It's not very pleasant on its own, kind of warty and elastic.
But once you have gluten, you can inflate it with yeast, you can suppress it with fat.
The eggs can mingle with the sugar or the almonds or the bloody courgette, if you like, and you can be pretty sure that everything will hold together.
And I think I quite like being part of that kind of structure.
What we do can be ugly, but it is needed in a way that only grey and unpleasant things are.
And just like gluten has its detractors, some people are allergic to it, and some people pretend to be allergic, and they're the worse kind of people around, but when you do without it .
.
things just taste shit.
Well, thank you very much, Caroline.
That was, er, illuminating.
- Well, look who it is.
- Hiya.
Enjoyed the speech.
Yeah, well, you've got to make some bollocks up, haven't you? Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Ah! - You've been blooded.
- Oh, right.
I was a bit concerned last night.
Yeah, sorry about that.
It's all right, but a mother worries.
Sure.
So, do you need somewhere to stay? I've got a spare room.
Ah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
My back's starting to spasm from sleeping on the floor! - Well, take my bag anyway.
- Yeah.
Just got a big juicy murder through, actually.
Probably get you a junior brief, if you fancy it.
God, yeah, that would be amazing.
Thank you.
- Yeah, well, I need someone I can stand.
- Sure.
Nice here, isn't it? Have you been here before, the "South Bank"? - Yeah.
Why are you saying it like that? - Like what? - Like you've never heard of it.
- South Bank.
How do you say it? - It's the "Southbank".
- That's what I said.