Derry Girls (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode One

1 My name is Erin Quinn.
I'm 16 years old, and I come from a place called Derry, or Londonderry, depending on your persuasion, a troubled little corner in the northwest of Ireland.
It's fair to say I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my home town.
You see, the thing about living in Derry is, there's nowhere to hide.
Everybody knows everybody, knows everything about everybody, and sometimes all I really want .
.
is to be simply left alone.
Is that my diary? She's gone too far this time, Mama.
What next? Trying on my knickers? Don't say "knickers" in front of your father.
He can't cope.
Ah, he can cope.
Sure, what's a pair of knickers between cousins? Less of the knickers.
I won't put up with it any more.
Teenagers have rights now, you know.
Don't be ridiculous.
They do, Ma.
It's true.
Sure, Macaulay Culkin might be divorcing his parents.
D'ya hear this? This'll be someone she met at that stupid summer scheme you insisted we send her on.
Her bloody friends across the barricades think.
I have nothing against Protestants.
I'm all for integration, I am, but if they're letting their weans divorce them Macaulay Culkin isn't a Protestant, Ma.
It's only going to give our weans ideas.
Well, he might be.
I didn't meet him at Friends Across The Barricades.
I don't care where you met him.
You're not to see him again.
Understood? Fine.
Look at this.
They're bombing the bridge, apparently.
No.
TELEVISION: Suspicions were raised when a hijacked van Oh, dear God, no.
Does this mean they can't get to school? I've had a whole summer of it, Gerry.
She's melting my head.
Sure, their bus can go the long way round.
I'll get it.
TELEVISION: Major traffic disruptions are anticipated All right, Sarah.
Them weans shouldn't have to take the bus to school.
You should be driving them, you useless shite.
I have to work, Joe.
Work? Ha-ha! Is that what you call it? Yes.
Why don't you just leave my Mary alone? Because we've been married for 17 years, Joe.
We have two children.
And because we're in love with each other.
Oh, bunk.
I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy.
I've got people working on it.
God, Mammy.
You're up early.
So are you.
You should be having a lie-in, love.
You're on your holidays.
First day of term, Sarah.
Is it, aye? It is, aye.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not enjoying this bomb.
Shocking.
Desperate.
Disgusting and disgraceful.
I have an appointment in Tropicana at 12:00.
15 minutes in the stand up.
Sure, I'll not get over the bridge at this rate.
It's going to play havoc with my build-up.
This is what they want.
They want ordinary people to suffer.
This is what it's all about.
I'm pretty sure interfering with your sunbed sessions isn't very high up on anyone's political agenda, Aunt Sarah.
I wouldn't be so sure.
We'd better head.
Hey! What do you think you're playing at? Where's your blazer? I've decided to put my own spin on the uniform this year.
I'll spin you across that floor.
Get your blazer on.
Look, Mammy.
I'm not a clone.
I should be allowed to express my individuality.
I'm sorry.
I'm not wearing my blazer.
End of story.
Gerry, pass me the wooden spoon.
What's all this? I thought we were going to be individuals this year.
I wanted to, Clare, but my ma wouldn't let me.
Well, I'm not being an individual on my own.
# To da one on da flam # Boy, it's tough # I just toss that ham in the frying' pan Like spam You not getting anything? I'm doing this fast for Ethiopia.
For Christ's sake.
What is it with you and Africa? Will you sponsor me? How much? L2.
L2? Catch yourself on.
What's happening over there is really lousy, Erin.
Father Conway showed us a video.
There's this one wee fella, Kamal.
He's only ten, and every morning, he walks 25 miles to the nearest well.
Does he just really enjoy wells, aye? 25 miles? How far is that? Far.
Like, how far are we talking? From here to Buncrana.
Further.
It's more like from here to Ballybofey.
Shut up.
From here to Ballybofey? Sure, you'd be knackered.
Kamal is knackered.
Are you sure Kamal isn't exaggerating? Stop slagging off Kamal.
Kamal doesn't have it easy.
Will you sponsor me or not? Fine.
Ah! You touch them, you buy them.
That's the law.
I don't think that is the law.
If I say it's the law, it's the law, smart-o.
Right.
It's just I can't afford them any more.
Have to give all my money to Kamal.
Who the fuck's Kamal? He's a wee Ethiopian fella from Ballybofey, Dennis.
Do you want to sponsor me, Dennis? Get out! # Goin' insane # Insane in the membrane Insane in the brain! Good one, Geldof.
Oh, my God.
David.
David Donnelly.
OK.
Just act normal.
SHE LAUGHS No way! Are you serious? What are you doing? Who are you talking to? Erin, have you got a light? Me? No, I don't smoke.
Why the hell do I not smoke? I have one.
I don't smoke either.
I just like melting stuff.
Cool poster.
Oh, do you think so? Yeah.
Really nice use of, you know, letters.
Thanks.
You should come along tonight.
You're inviting me to your gig? Yeah, well, all of you.
But you'd specifically like me to go, I mean, just so we're clear.
But Erin, Murder She Wrote is on tonight.
You never miss Murder She Wrote.
Shut up.
We're going to be late.
Yeah, kicks off at 6:00.
Sweet.
Cool.
Maybe I'll see you there, then.
You're not seriously going to this concert, are you? Gig, Clare.
It's called a gig.
And I have to go.
He invited me specifically.
Motherfuckers! "Motherfucker" is my new thing.
Watched this film last night.
My dad got it off Pyro Pauline, and it's about these two lads, and they wear these cracking suits and they rock about, just shooting people and eating cheeseburgers, and they're all, "Motherfucker this, motherfucker that.
" It's got your man in it.
What do you call him? The disco dancer from Look Who's Talking.
Who owns the fella? Me.
Well, come on, then, ball-ache.
Are you introducing yourself, or what? Hi.
I'm Michelle's cousin, James.
Why's he making that funny noise? He's English, Orla.
That's the way they talk.
He's my Auntie Kathy's wean.
I told you about my Auntie Kathy.
She went to England years ago to have an abortion.
Never came back.
Never got the abortion, either.
Lucky for you, James, eh? I didn't actually know that.
What did he say? Nothing interesting.
What's he doing here? Kathy's just got divorced, so she's moved back.
The husband caught her doing the dirt on him.
She's a bit of a goer, is our Kathy, riding rings around him, so she was.
Ain't that right, James? No, I mean here, at our bus stop.
Oh, he's going to our school.
But he's a fella.
An effeminate fella, but a fella all the same.
Everyone was shitting it about sending him to the boys' school.
They were worried that the lads would beat him up because, well BOTH: He's English.
Mm, and you couldn't really blame them, I suppose.
Our carriage awaits, motherfuckers.
Avon.
Avon.
Avon.
Um, we have a wee offer on there for hair removal cream, if you want to, with the There's no seats down here.
Just move them wee dicks.
What?! Why should we sit up the front? We're fifth years.
They're foetuses.
Come on.
All right.
Shift your shirt holes.
Let's go.
Nobody move.
You'd better do as I say, or Or what? Or there'll be consequences.
Such as? Well, we'll beat you up.
Wonderful.
Wait, Michelle.
Go on, then.
What? Beat me up.
Well, not now.
After school.
We'll beat you up after school.
Grand.
I'll meet you after school and you can beat me up.
What's happening, exactly? I'll bring my sister, Mandy.
You might know her.
Mandy O'Connell.
She's an upper sixth.
Big Mandy? Big Mandy is your sister? That's right.
Retreat.
Listen, I think there's been a wee bit of a misunderstanding.
Thought you might say that.
Now fuck off.
Right.
Will do.
Wasn't at all humiliating.
How long does this fast last? 24 hours.
So I still have .
.
almost 23 hours to go.
Fuck me, not the Africans again.
Imagine being born there and not here.
We don't know how lucky we are.
Aye, fair dues.
Derry has class.
Allus, aye.
# Peeling the skin back from my eyes # I felt surprised That the time on the clock was the time I Everyone remain seated! What's going on? I dunno.
But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers, he'd have a look? Michelle, he's a soldier.
Ach, some of them are all right.
I'm willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I'm a beacon of truth, Erin.
You're a mouth, that's what you are.
Hi, guys.
Could I just have a quick chat? You must be new.
I'm Jenny.
Great hair.
Very bold.
I'd love to go that short, but, sure, I don't have the bone structure.
He's a fella, Jenny.
Oh.
I see.
Anyhoo "Anyhoo.
" Seriously, shoot me in the face.
This is a bit awkward, but part of my role as prefect is welcoming the first-year students, and it's come to my attention that there was some sort of an incident on the bus this morning.
There was no incident.
Apparently, you guys threatened one of the new girls.
Said you was going to beat her up.
That's lies.
There were quite a few witnesses.
No, I mean, we said it, but .
.
as a joke, as in, "We're going to beat you up," but, like, in a jokey way.
Right.
Well, the thing is, that's not actually funny, is it? Like, at all.
Well, humour is so subjective, really, so Now, the wee girl claims that she's not bothered, but reading between the lines Why are you reading between the lines? I'm just not so sure that I believe her.
I don't want to report you guys.
Please don't report us, Jenny.
Please.
We'll do anything, anything at all.
Speak for yourself, sugar tits.
Think I'll just have to mull it over.
Ach, Jenny, mull this over.
Oh, we'll see.
Jesus, Michelle.
A new school can seem like a very scary place Do you think Big Mandy looks more schizo than usual? .
.
but try to think of it this way.
Right now, you're like a little seed, and the school is like the soil, a safe and stable environment, within which you can grow.
Wow, what a great way to look at it.
Thank you.
Thank you, girls.
Some lovely sentiments there.
Some very beautiful words.
Unfortunately, that's all they are, sentiments and words.
What you've just witnessed is a piece of fiction.
The reality, I'm sorry to say, is much harsher, far more brutal.
So let me take this opportunity to advise all our new girls to keep their guard up.
Watch their back.
Oh, speaking of pupils who need to watch their back, I'd like to introduce James Maguire.
Show yourself, please, James.
James will be the first ever boy to study here at Our Lady Immaculate College.
He was due to start at Christian Brother Boys, but there were serious concerns for his safety because, well, unfortunately, James happens to be English.
LAUGHTER But let me make one thing clear - I will not have a repeat of the Mr Mullin affair.
Is that understood? What's the Mr Mullin affair? Student teacher.
Two fourth-years cable-tied him to the monkey bars and started dry riding him.
He was really good-looking, so you've nothing to worry about.
Let us pray.
Please, Michelle.
No.
I have no interest in David Donnelly's spazzing band.
They look nice.
I can't go on my own.
Are they nice? Bring Bobby Sands.
Sure, how could I go? I'm so weak I can barely walk.
What about Orla? Orla is I love my wee fingers.
Orla's mental.
Come on, Michelle.
I'm begging you.
It's my big chance with David.
I'd do it for you.
Fine.
But we both know you're just gonna sit in the corner like a frigid fuck.
I'm not frigid.
You've never even kissed a boy before.
You practise on your pillow sometimes, but you don't think that's the same.
The reading of the diary was bad enough.
I could do without the quoting it from memory.
Michelle, would you mind showing me where the toilet is? You are really starting to do my head in, do you know that? TANNOY BEEPS Will the following pupils please report to Sister Michael's office immediately? Erin Quinn, Orla McCool, Clare Devlin, Michelle Mallon and the wee English fella.
Thank you.
I wonder what that could be about.
It wasn't bullying.
It was attempted bullying.
What if we get expelled? Nobody ever actually gets expelled.
Wanda Gallagher hasn't even been expelled, and she's in the IRA.
So that's probably why.
I can't find the boys' toilets anywhere.
It's an all-girls school, dick face.
There are no boys' toilets.
So should I just use the girls' toilets? No, you should not, you fucking pervert.
Girls, I really don't feel great.
I feel sort of shaky.
I think my blood sugar is dangerously low.
Seriously, will you just have a Mars bar? What about Kamal? Fuck Kamal.
Look, whatever happens in there, we have to stick together, OK? We have to back each other up.
Ladies.
So it had nothing to do with me.
Yes, OK, I was there, I admit that, but I didn't do anything.
It was Michelle.
It was all Michelle.
I'm not going down for something I didn't do.
If anyone deserves to get punished, it should be Michelle.
Well, I think it's safe to say we all just lost a bit of respect for you there, Clare.
This is just so disappointing, girls.
I mean, threatening a first-year We didn't threaten her.
We're not stupid.
Big Mandy's her sister, and she's half fucking gorilla.
That's quite enough, Miss Mallon.
Aye, you shouldn't swear, Michelle, cos when you swear, Our Lady in heaven, she cries her tears, then make rain.
Isn't that right, Sister Michael? What age are you now, Orla? Yeah.
You might want to think about wising up.
It was all just a misunderstanding, I promise, Sister.
Is that right, Tina? Was it a misunderstanding? Look, I didn't even report them.
I'm not a grass.
I'm saying nothing.
Is that because you're intimidated by them? SCORNFUL LAUGH Oh, you're serious.
No, I'm not intimidated by them, Sister.
OK.
Well, I see no need to take this matter any further, but if I ever get wind of something like this happening again Oh, you won't, Sister.
Yeah? Sister Michael, can I just quickly ask, um, since there's no male student toilets on the premises, am I permitted to use the staff ones? Absolutely not.
Now, I think you all owe Tina an apology, don't you? We're very sorry, Tina.
Very sorry, Tina.
Sorry, Tina.
Sorry, Tina.
Sorry.
And Tina, do you accept their apology? No.
You don't accept their apology? Do I have to accept their apology, Sister? I don't suppose you do, no.
Then I don't.
I don't accept it.
I see.
Well, I need to draw a line under this somehow.
So I cannot actually believe this.
I'm missing David Donnelly's gig, Michelle.
And all because of that miniature motherfucker.
I swear, if you say "motherfucker" one more time What's wrong with you? This is your fault.
Why's it my fault? Cos you're the one who threatened a first-year.
You're the one who gave Jenny Joyce the finger.
I'm desperate now.
This is agony.
Can you please stop crying in my face for five fucking minutes, James? I feel awful.
I think my body is going into starvation mode.
I think it's starting to shut down.
For Christ's sake, Clare.
You've just basically skipped lunch.
Orla, that better not be what I think it is.
You better not have brought my diary to school.
I had to.
I'm doing my book report on it.
Give it to me! No! What's going on there, girls? She has my diary, Sister, and she won't give it back.
I'll take that.
Sit down.
Mr Maguire, you have been warned.
Do not ask me again.
This is disgraceful.
I should have access to a lavatory.
What about my civil rights? Corner.
And you.
Give that here.
Ach, Sister Now.
Shouldn't you put that in the confiscated box? Quiet.
Really? What am I going to do, Erin? That colour has been discontinued.
This is torture.
Michelle, I can't hold it in any longer.
What part of me not giving a flying fuck are you struggling with, exactly? Oh, look.
Your boring fucking diary sent her to sleep.
I'm taking my lipstick back.
Michelle, you can't do that.
It's stealing.
She stole it first.
Michelle, don't.
Oh, God.
Jesus, that's disgusting.
Stop it.
That's the English for you.
Fucking savages.
Don't look at me like that, Erin.
You'll get your two pound back.
But will you ever get your self-respect back, Clare? Right.
If I leave now, I might still catch David.
What if Sister Declan wakes up? It's funny how she sleeps with her eyes wide open, isn't it? What? Sweet suffering Jehovah! URINE SPLASHES KNOCK ON DOOR Enter.
Erin, what in God's name? Did you kill that wee nun, girls? Course we didn't.
Then why were you pissing on her dead body and making sandwiches? Say nothing, girls.
Say nothing till we've seen a lawyer.
If you could all just take a seat.
Sorry I'm late, sister.
Couldn't get over the bridge.
This bloody bomb.
I begged the Brits to let me take my chances, but the awkward bastards made me go the long way.
Health and safety gone mad, Deidre.
What are you playing at, rifling through a dead nun's handbag? She stole my lipstick, Mammy.
Don't lie.
Sister Declan was a woman of God.
Actually, she was known to be a bit light-fingered.
Where's my mum, Auntie Deidre? She's away back to London.
What, without me? Oh, dry your eyes, James.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Sister.
How long does it take to defuse a fecking bomb? Sure, the wee robots do all the work.
Oh, killing nuns now, is it? I didn't, Daddy.
You wait until your mother hears about this.
Obviously, Sister Declan's death was extremely shocking and unexpected.
We're still struggling to understand exactly what happened.
Yeah? Can I just ask, what age was Sister Declan? She'd have been 98 on Friday.
Right.
Might that shed some light on the situation? How so? Does anybody else have any thoughts on the whole "her being almost 98 years of age" thing? Struck down in her prime.
The hospital are saying it was heart failure, but I have my doubts.
As I said on the phone, the circumstances in which I found her body werestrange, to say the least.
So I've decided to carry out a full investigation into the incident.
That makes sense.
What? Nothing about this makes sense.
The woman was almost 98 years of age.
She had a heart attack.
Why has everybody gone absolutely mental? Less of the cheek, Erin.
We didn't do anything.
It's not fair.
"But the thing is, life isn't fair.
"You see, injustice is something I've become accustomed to.
"I am, after all, a child of the crossfire, surrounded by conflict.
"But I choose to rise above it.
"The path to peace is paved with tolerance and understanding.
"Violence is never the answer.
" I am going to ram that so far up your arse!