Derry Girls (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

The Prom

1 # Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee do-o-o # It's Monday morning It's Monday morning # Hip hip hooray Hip hip hooray # Let's get going # It's a brand-new day # It's Monday morning It's Monday morning # Come on, let's go Come on, let's go # Paint on a smile and start the show # Dum dum dum dum-m-m # Oh, Monday morning # There ain't nothing that I-I-I can't do # Doo bee doo bee doo On Monday morning # Monday morning Oh, Monday morning # Monday morning Monday morning, I love yo-o-ou.
And I believe you wrote the lyrics yourselves.
Is that correct? It is indeed, Sister.
Do you ever think you might have too much time on your hands, girls? Lose the jackets.
OK, just a couple of things.
Firstly, I'd like to introduce Mae Cheung.
Can you make yourself known, please, Mae? Miss Cheung's family have recently moved here to Derry so I hope you'll all make her feel very welcome.
It's bound to be a bit of a culture shock, Mae.
Things are donedifferently in this part of the world.
But I'm sure you'll soon feel as at home here as you did back in your beloved Donegal.
Announcement from Jenny Joyce and the dance committee.
"The school social event of the year is fast approaching, "but before you don your glad rags ".
and boogie on dow" I'm sorry, I simply cannot read this.
But before you don your glad rags and boogie on down, we'd like to let you in on our little secret.
We're not actually going to have a school formal this year.
CROWD GASPS No, listen, we're not gonna have a school formal.
We're going to have Doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee doo-bee do-o-o.
a fifties prom! What?! Wise up! I know, I know.
But I do love a theme.
Sure, isn't that why people call me the Theme Queen? Do they? Do they fuck.
We want it to have a real old-school, retro, vintage vibe.
So, feel free to just go for it! Feel free to kiss my hole.
# Dreams can come true # Look at me, babe, I'm with you You know you got to have them There she is.
OK, so I say we just go over there and be ourselves, girls.
Well, not totally ourselves.
We should definitely be a bit ourselves.
We could also pretend we're sort of better than we actually are.
So, I suppose what I'm saying is, we could present a version of ourselves that's less Crap? Precisely.
Why do we even have to talk to her? Because she's new, Michelle! Urgh! I hate people I don't know.
And, in case you hadn't noticed, she also happens to be Chinese.
I mean, how class would it be to have a Chinese friend?! We could keep her in my toy box.
No, we couldn't, Orla.
Oh, she'd definitely fit.
That is not the point.
Fine, but can we agree it's on a strict one-in, one-out basis? If she joins the group, James has to leave.
Of course! Fine.
Excuse me? SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE Is she all right? Burning for you, Clare.
I-It's Cantonese.
Right, well, I'm from Donegal and we speak English there.
If you say so, Mae, but I spent the summer in Killybegs and, seriously? Not a fucking word.
We just wanted to introduce ourselves and OK, I think I see where this is going.
I get this a lot.
Dull white girls wanting me to join their gang becausewell We're not dull.
And I'm actually a boy.
Whoa, she has a really fucked-up accent.
We know.
What's in this for me? What are you bringing to the table? Cream crackers? I'm good for cream crackers, thank you.
I'll see you around, girls.
Maybe we don't need a Chinese person, we've already got a lesbian.
What? Who? Me.
Really? You don't look like a lesbian.
What do you mean? Just that you're a bitshort.
Well, there's no height restrictions.
As far as I'm aware.
I've always wanted a gay friend.
I mean, ideally a fella, but Howdy, folks! Christ.
I'm Jenny, this is Aisling, we just thought we'd introduce ourselves and see if Too late, Jenny, she's ours.
I see.
Look, these girls are great but I do have a pen pal from the Caribbean, so perhaps my circle is a little bit more diverse? Back.
Think it over.
Give me a call.
Oh, and FYI, the prom queen vote closes today.
FY nobody gives a shit.
Here's the wee ballot.
I see you've thrown your hat into the ring, Jenny.
I had my arm twisted.
But feel free to tick my box.
Dirty bitch.
Well, this prom's going to be a full-blown dick fest.
You know there isn't even going to be a DJ? Apparently Jenny's hired this fucking pensioner band.
Really? I heard the drummer is at least 30! I don't feel so bad about missing it now.
It clashes with my thing.
The creep convention? Seriously? It's not a creep convention.
Well, I think a load of perverts getting together to wank over some fella, who fights with hoovers and rides aliens in a telephone box, is the very fucking definition of a creep convention.
It's a Doctor Who night.
Me and my stepdad used to watch it when I was little.
Well, someone should have called social services! You're not going to the prom, then, James? Well, I was going to ask you to be my date.
I'm sorry, Clare.
You were going to ask James to be your date? What the fuck's wrong with you? Well, it's a bit more complicated for me.
You're a lesbian, Clare, not desperate.
Now, I don't know who to ask.
Tell me about it.
There's at least five fellas that fancy the arse off me but I just can't choose.
Yeah, that's definitely the same.
I'll be your date, Clare.
But, Erin, people might talk, they might get the wrong idea.
Let them! We need to break down these ridiculous conventions.
Are you sure? I'd be proud to have you on my arm.
Thank you.
Oh, God.
John Paul's over there.
Christ, but it's been so awkward since we broke up.
For fuck sake, Erin.
He kissed you on the cheek at Kerry Coyle's 16th birthday party and then passed out in a puddle of his own boke.
He missed the boat, all right.
I'm sure the fact that he's poking a model is some consolation.
Cara is not a model.
She's done SOME modelling.
There's a difference.
I heard she's gonna be on Baywatch.
She's not going to be on Baywatch, Orla.
I heard that, too.
The Baywatch thing.
So did I.
They don't have people from Derry on Baywatch, OK? We're just too pasty.
Look, it was never going to work out between me and John Paul.
I realise that now.
Because I'm looking for an intellectual connection and he wants To ride a model? She is not a model! Oh, my God! What? It looks like they're breaking up! I can't do this any more.
Why?! Jesus, are they really? Are they breaking up? They are! They're breaking up.
This is class.
What? Later! Erin? What are you doing?! She has no respect for herself.
And coming from me .
that is bad.
HEY! Jesus Christ! Sorry.
What happened there was .
well, I slightly misjudged the level of my own voice, I think.
You're grand, I was in a world of my own.
Everything OK? Yeah, yeah.
You sure? Oh, yeah.
Really? It's just, well, I couldn't help but notice that you and Cara were, sort of, breaking up a bit, there.
I mean, it's all cool.
Really? It was mutual.
It was definitely a mutual thing.
Although, maybe she wanted to mutually split up a bit more than I did.
I see.
Now I'm just not sure it was the right decision.
It definitely was.
We just got each other, you know? I mean, she's so cool and smart.
Smart? Really? And she's a model, for Christ's sake.
She's done SOME modelling.
I'm just wondering whether I should go after her and try and sort it out? You definitely shouldn't do that.
Really? Yeah, it's needy.
What you should do is take your mind off it.
How? Go out with me.
I mean, go out with us.
Me my friends, we're going to this prom thing on Saturday night.
A prom? Sounds sort of Shit? .
Oh, no, it's not.
It's actually not at all.
It's actually very informal.
It's actually really, like, laid-back, chilled, "who gives an F" kind of thing.
It's not a big deal.
It's not a big deal at all.
This is a huge deal.
This is a massive, massive deal.
I'm going to the prom with John Paul O'Reily, for God's sake.
Oh, come on, Mammy.
I don't care if you're going to the prom with John Paul II, Erin.
I'm not buying you another frock.
End of story.
But, Mammy, you don't understand.
There's nothing wrong with your Easter dress.
There is lots of things wrong with my Easter dress.
I mean, it matches Orla's.
That being the main one.
Honestly, Erin, I think we'll look so cracker if we both rock in wearing these.
Well, I don't.
Och, Mary, you'd think the wean's been dropped into it.
You wouldn't nip it in a bit for her? I'd do it myself but sewing plays havoc with my acrylics.
I really like this fella, Mammy.
Well, if he really likes you, it won't matter what you wear.
Och, come off it! Have you a date lined up, Orla? I do, aye.
What? With, like, a human? Yeah.
This document is an insult to the majority of people of Northern Ireland! All right, Ian, we get the idea, like.
What are you footering at? The picture's just gone a bit, sort of Dear Jesus! You have to give it a bit of a shock now and again.
You have to keep it on its toes.
I'm not sure you do have to keep it on its toes, Joe.
It's a television.
OK, OK, OK! I'm just going to turn it off and turn it on again.
That usually does the trick.
There we go.
Hm? It doesn't seem to be doing anything, now.
This stupid prick's broken the TV, Mary! For God's sake, Gerry.
He's been footering.
Excuse me.
You're the one that was thumping it repeatedly, Joe.
I'll thump YOU repeatedly.
Well, the pair of you better sort it out.
London's Burning's on in 20 minutes.
God, Mary, but them poor fellas are flat out with fires, so they are.
Jesus, but they never get a minute.
Aye, it's a good job they keep themselves in such great shape.
Aw, don't, Mary.
That Greek fella He could throw me over his shoulder any day of the week.
I hate to do this, Clare.
I've said it's fine.
Really? I'm happy for you.
It's just, you don't sound happy for me.
Well, I am.
I'm over the moon.
Great, because me and John Paul are just at a really crucial point in our relationship.
You've strong-armed him into taking you to the prom, Erin.
Doesn't mean you're in a relationship.
We'll see about that.
Hiya! So, this is where the gays hang out, is it? What's happening? Erin's just sacked Clare as her prom date so she can take a fella she fancies.
Bad craic, Erin.
Very bad craic.
That is not true.
Isn't it? Well, I mean, there is some truth in it.
Come with me.
Really? Really? Really.
It'll be a laugh.
And I'm definitely an upgrade.
Just a wee joke, there.
Yeah, it was.
It was dead funny.
What do you say? Sounds good to me.
Great! All sorted.
OK, now that Mae has officially joined the group, we need to give James his notice.
What? I personally think a week's more than generous.
Me, too.
Orla! Oh, I'm sorry, James, but Chinese people are just better than English people.
We're gonna be so good Right, I say we hit Primark first.
Yeah, well, we have about £17.
50 between us, Mae, so needs must.
It's grand, I swiped my ma's credit card.
Is that grand? Or is it actually a criminal offence? Look, we'll just whack a couple of dresses on it, don't take the labels off, wear them to the prom, then return them the next day.
The money will be back in her account as quick as it went out.
No way, Jose! It's totally grand, Clare.
I do it all the time.
You just have to make sure that you don't, like, spill anything on it or, like, sweat.
Gonna be so good What do you think of this one? I dunno.
I'm not sure it's you, really.
I don't want to be me.
Which of these do you like best? Definitely the pink.
Has to be the blue.
Yeah, I thought the blue.
This doesn't do my baps any justice.
Have you decided who you're bringing yet? I've narrowed it down to two.
There's big Johnny Kells who works in Dunnes.
Thick as fuck, but a massive, massive ride.
Then there's this other fella, he's not as thick, but he's also not as hot, although I have heard he is really good with his hands.
And when I say he's good with his hands, I'm not talking about putting up shelves, girls.
I'm talking about Everybody knows what you're talking about, Michelle! .
Honestly! I can't find anything I like.
Well, I'm just so torn.
I mean, I love my Easter dress, but this is cracker, too.
There is just nothing that doesn't suit me.
You're the best thing Oh, my God, that's the one! Can I try that one, please? Sorry, love, that's been left over for someone.
What? Hiya-a-a! Sorry, girls, I can't stop.
Nobody wants you to.
Just grabbing a few bits for the prom, you know how it is.
Oh, I was actually just about to try that one on.
Well, I left it over, so It's just that red's my colour.
Yeah, mine too.
No, you don't understand.
I really, really suit it.
Yeah, so do I.
Garnet's actually my birthstone.
Well, ruby's mine, so I want that dress, Jenny.
Well, you can't have it.
I cannot believe she wouldn't even let me try it on.
Well, she did leave it over, so She so knew it would look better on you.
I heard the whole prom queen thing's rigged as well.
I heard she's set it up so she can win it.
Fuck me, what a total dick.
She shouldn't be able to get away with that.
Look, the only reason we're having a prom is because Jenny organized it.
So? So, if she wants to be prom queen let her be prom queen.
Why are you sticking up for her? Why are you slagging her off? Erin, all we do is slag off Jenny.
Yeah, well, we've the right to slag her off.
We put the hours in.
You can't just show up one day and join in.
Mae's one of us now, Erin.
Mae's an arsehole.
That's out of order, Erin.
She's Chinese, for God's sake.
She's from Donegal! And can't you see what she's doing? "Oh, I'll take you to the prom.
Oh, the blue dress is better.
" Oh, my God, are you jealous? Yeah, I'm going out with the biggest ride in Derry, but I'm jealous of you and your new friend? Yeah, that's definitely what's happening.
It does sort of seem like what's happening, actually.
You know what? I don't need this.
I'm going.
I went the wrong way.
Now, close your eyes, I'm just gonna give you a wee, light mist, just so it holds for you.
Och, Sarah, you'll choke the wean! What do you think? God, aye, it's different, isn't it? Different? What does that mean? It was nice of Michelle to lend it to you, love, but it just doesn't look very comfortable.
It's really comfortable, actually.
It's like a second skin.
I wish you would wear your Easter frock, Erin.
When we were wee, we always went to parties dressed the same.
We're not wee anymore, Orla.
Aye What's this? It's some guidelines.
Things you are and aren't allowed to say to John Paul when he gets here.
What time's your date arriving at, Orla, love? He's already here.
You asked Granda to the prom? Well, everyone kept saying you have to ask a fella you really like.
And he's the fella I like the most.
Och, Orla, love.
You're looking well, Joe.
It's not all shite you talk, Gerry.
Should we head? John Paul's picking me up at seven.
You go on.
We'll see you there.
MUSIC: Back For Good by Take That JAZZY VERSION: # Whatever I said, whatever I did # I want you back for good # I want you back, I want you back # I want you back for good # Whatever I said, whatever I did # I want you back# Wow, Jenny's done some number in here.
Don't worry, she won't get away with it.
What? The Prom Queen thing.
Let's just say she'll be wearing red all right.
What does that mean? Nobody crosses me, Clare.
Mae, wait! You look hot.
Thank you.
No, I mean, like, actually hot.
Like, physically hot.
You better not be sweating in that dress, Clare.
They won't give me a refund if there's a whiff off it.
I'm not sweating.
Let me check.
Get off me! Christ, I'm at my wits' end trying to keep them two lads apart.
What? You didn't bring both boys to prom did you, Michelle? I couldn't make up my mind! I thought I could just stick them in two separate corners and go between them, but they won't fucking keep put! Imagine that, it's almost like they have their own free will? Tell me about it.
It's a fucking nightmare.
Jesus, Joe, you're looking well! Aye, I know.
Why isn't anyone dancing? How're you supposed to dance to this old shite? Come on, Orla.
We'll show them.
# I said things # Can only get better # Can only get # Can only get take it on me # You know I know that things # Can only get better Jesus Christ! What's wrong? They're talking to each other now.
They're actually fucking talking to each other! Are you Clare? That's right.
Hi, I'm Kris.
I'm here with Tara Martin.
She's Oh, God, where's she gone? Tall, blonde, wears glasses? Ah, Trampy Tara? We've just started seeing each other, actually.
Oh, no, not that kind of trampy.
No, we just call her that because she's got quite a heavygait.
You should listen out for it.
Anyway, what can I do for you? Well, I see you're hanging out with Mae? That's right.
So, I know Mae from back home.
From China?! No, Donegal.
No worries.
Yeah, Mae went to my school.
Did she ever tell you why she had to leave? HAD to leave? # You could say this was an independent love song # It's nothing like two lovers # What love meant to them But that's not to say the love we had He's not coming.
Och, love.
I'm gonna go and change.
Maybe leave it another few minutes? I want to get out of this thing.
# You might say this is another boring love song To be together and forever be true DOORBELL RINGS # I'm doing it a different way I'm doing it a different way Your mum rang me.
But what about your creep convention? OK, it's not a creep convention.
And it's not important.
Shall we go? Can you give me one minute? # I'll show you how to take me # Go down, go down, go down # And I'll show you how to touch me # Right on, right on, right on # And I'll show you how to touch me Right on, right on, right on Michelle, listen.
Well, that backfired.
What? The lads, they worked it out.
They've gone to the pub.
Look, there's a guy here, he knows Mae and What's going on? Aw, don't tell me.
Wank Features stood you up? Yeah.
I'm sorry, Erin.
No, I'm sorry.
You were right.
I was jealous.
Mae's just so cool and exotic and you liked her so much and She's deranged.
What? I met this guy that went to her school, he said she had to leave for, like, being a bully.
He said she's seriously unhinged! I think he's a bit pissed off with her, to be honest, and I can't blame him cos she's giving the Chinese population in Donegal a really bad rap.
Typical Donegal man.
Always moaning.
There she is.
What's she doing? She was talking about how she wasn't gonna let Jenny get away with the whole prom Queen thing.
Jesus Christ, look! Above the stage, look! She's not gonna do a Carrie! Fuck-a-doodle-do! What's a Carrie? What does that mean? You've never seen Carrie? No! Aw, it's some film, Clare.
Aye, you should check it out.
Expand and explain! EXPAND AND EXPLAIN! So, Carrie is voted Prom Queen and this bully pours a bucket of pig's blood on her.
Jesus Christ! I mean, lots of other stuff happens, too, but that's the, sort of, relevant bit.
Can I have your attention, please? And, now, the moment we've all been waiting for .
it's time to crown our Prom Queen.
Holy shit! How long are we supposed to go on like this, Gerry? I'm trying my best.
We've already missed Coronation Street.
Well, every cloud, as they say.
I've warned you before, Gerry.
You say another bad word about Coronation Street and you may leave this house and never return.
And you'd have my full backing on that, Mary.
God only knows what else we've missed.
We won't have missed anything.
TV TURNS ON Yes! And tonight's main story again.
A historic evening for Northern Ireland.
As of midnight tonight, after 25 years, the IRA have called a ceasefire.
In a statement released earlier this evening, they said there would be a "complete cessation of all military operations".
What did I tell you? Aye, well done, Gerry.
And our Prom Queen is .
Jenny Joyce! MUSIC: The Winner Takes It All by Abba We have to do something! JENNY: Thank you so much.
ROPES CREAK Quick! I would just like to say a few words.
Firstly, this is such an honour! Mae! Stop! Piss off, Clare! Lovely words, Jenny, well done! Come on, Jenny.
Don't milk it, now.
Get off her! What is this? Bite my eye! Traitor! Have you ever seen Carrie? It's pig's blood.
It's pig's blood! No, I think it's Tomato juice.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? They'll never take this back, now! Why would you do this? It wasn't us! This wasn't us! Yeah, right.
# But you see, it's not me # It's not my family In your head, in your head RADIO: The statement has raised hopes for peace and an end to 25 years of bombing and shooting that has led to the deaths of more than 3,000 people.
in your head, in your head, they are crying The British Prime Minister John Major said, "We are beyond the beginning but we are not yet in sight of the end.
" # .
in your head # Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie # What's in your head, in your head # Zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie, oh # Du, du, du, du # Du, du, du, du Du, du, du, du