Detroiters (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

Mort Crim

1 [MOTOWN MUSIC] Commercial idea.
Ready for this? Meat: cook that shit or your ass gonna get sick.
Ah, that's pretty good, Ned.
Ah-ah-ah, this one gonna twist your drawers up.
Ready for this? Onion rings: French fries with pussy holes.
- Whoa.
- Hold on, guys.
Need you to sign in, man.
Sir, I need you to sign in.
Sir? Sir.
Sir! Aren't you going to stop him? All I can do is three "sirs.
" He looked all right, though.
Glasses - Yeah, it's fine.
- All right, cool.
Christmas, right? Actually, Ned, we gotta go.
We're gonna miss "Chump of the Week.
" Oh, love "Chump of the Week," man.
You think he might do the one about my man who got the kangaroo in his apartment? No, that was last week's chump.
They don't repeat.
Come on, Tim, we gotta go.
And now it's time for Mort Crim's "Chump of the Week.
" - Just in time.
- Shh.
You know who pissed me off? Dale Stern, the principal of Diana Lewis Elementary, who permanently cancelled pizza Fridays.
Now, if pizza's not healthy, how come I've never seen a fat Italian? You, sir, are a pepperoni.
And you are my "Chump of the Week.
" [LAUGHS] Chump.
Good luck getting an omelet in this town without a pube in it.
Yeah, yeah, more like, good luck trying to get a pepperoni in this town without a pube in it.
How's that better? Good night, Detroit.
I'm Mort Crim, and that's all the news from the entire world.
Dude, well, then you date her.
Listen, bro, she made chicken in front of a chicken.
The chicken was looking at me like I was crazy.
I'm like, fam, I don't know what to tell you.
So, now I got the chicken in my house and now I can't eat chicken Oh, yo! It's the kangaroo man.
Yo, sir, what's in the pouch? Can I fight it? I'll beat the shit out of this kangaroo.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit city When we get back on our feet, yeah Like I said, man, I just keep seeing it.
There was like, five or six of 'em, all women, all big as hell, big ass backs, big ass titties, too.
They all had the same scorpion tattoo on their neck.
They was like, "Who do you work for? Who do you work for?" I'm looking like, "The goddamn U.
S.
of A.
" And they was like, "Oh!" And then one of 'em grabbed my Whoa, what happened, Ned? [SIGHS] I left the door open last night and somebody snuck in here and robbed us.
I was at home.
Oh, crap, my leather jacket! - We were robbed.
- My jacket.
They took the copy machine and all the paper.
They didn't take my jacket.
They took my laptop.
Look, it could have been a lot worse.
All right? It's just a laptop.
They took her laptop but not my beautiful jacket? This robber's a dork.
They stole my work Scotch.
Sheila, we can get you new Scotch, okay? The important thing is that nobody was hurt.
Sam, they stole your top hat.
With the holly? What is wrong with this city? Maybe they didn't see the jacket.
Yeah, but they definitely would have smelled it.
It's brand new.
It stinks.
That's true.
It stinks bad in here.
It certainly does.
It certainly does.
So, what we were thinking was, we open the showroom of Garner Weich Furniture, you know, see chairs, we see sofas.
Then we land on the two of you sitting in a loveseat, talking directly to camera.
Oh, no, we don't want to be in the commercial.
Oh, really? We think you guys would be great.
We're afraid people will recognize us from our user-submitted PornHub video.
Pardon me real quick, I have to check my email privately.
Uh, okay.
Well, in that case, we hire a spokesperson.
Oh, what kind of spokesperson? Could be a sports figure, a character actor.
I guess the question is, who do you want representing your company? [CHUCKLES] Seriously? We would like someone with integrity, someone that people can trust, someone with gravitas.
Could it be an animal? Uh, yeah, that'd be great, but we're not allowed to work with animals anymore.
What happened? We glued two bugs together for an exterminator commercial.
Why? To make it look like they were kissing.
And Mort Crim doesn't usually comment on commercials, but he called it a "bummer.
" Hey, what about Mort Crim? - Oh.
- He called it a bummer.
The words just came out of my mouth.
No, no, what about Mort Crim for the commercial? [BOTH LAUGH] [LAUGHING] That's [LAUGHING] Eat shit.
[LAUGHING] Yeah, Mort Crim? You don't like him? No, we love him.
It's just, you're not gonna get him.
He's freaking Mort Crim.
Yeah, I mean, if you're Nike, but it's not gonna happen.
- It's impossible.
- Hey.
If you would've told me that someday I would be married to this incredible woman and live in the nicest house in Bloomfield Hills and have these muscles, I wouldn't have believed you.
In my experience, gentlemen, anything is possible.
- [MUMBLES] - Yeah.
You know what? - We'll try.
- We believe in you.
- Oh, cool, that should help.
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, thank you so much.
- Great.
Thanks for coming down.
Appreciate it.
- Absolute pleasure.
- Drive safe driving home.
[DOOR CLOSES] She stomps on his balls.
- [EXHALES] - He's a naughty boy, and she stomps on his balls.
- Oh, my God.
- I know.
- Let me see it.
- Yeah, here you go.
- No! - Ooh! - Bad boy! - Ooh.
Tim, that jacket stinks like shit.
Yeah, well, I'm wearing it, so deal with it.
I'm going to meet Mort Crim.
You can't lock a goddamn door? These criminal masterminds didn't break a window.
They didn't scale a wall.
They walked in an unlocked door.
- [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] - I am so sorry, ma'am.
Ma'am? Oh.
Do I look like your momma? Do I look like the one who held your head in the bathtub till all the brain cells disappeared? I ain't your momma.
Wanda? It's really not that big of a deal.
We just lost a top hat and a printer.
Well, not just a top hat, asshole.
It had a sprig of holly in it.
Well, I thank you for your input, sirs.
Have a wonderful and safe day.
We at Emperor Security value your input and your things.
Thank you so much.
And take it easy on Ned.
He's the nicest security guard.
Well, thank you.
That's wonderful to hear.
Yeah, great.
[CHUCKLES] They love you, huh? Aren't you Mr.
Popular? Oh.
Oh, you're Joe Cool.
You're Snoopy with the sunglasses.
You screw up one more goddamn time, and you'll be back-checking hand stamps at Chuck E.
Cheese.
I got to get myself together baby Yeah Get myself together Uh, two beers, please.
Say, word has it that Mort Crim plays pool here.
Is that true? He wouldn't happen to be here now, would he? [BILLIARD BALLS SCATTER] [BOB SEGER'S "HOLLYWOOD NIGHTS"] In those Hollywood hills In those Hollywood hills She was looking so right In her diamonds and frills Oh those big city nights Better luck next time, Laredo.
Class dismissed.
Yeah, Rachel, another double ginger ale with a splash of cranberry juice.
Hi, Mr.
Crim.
I'm Sam Duvet.
I know who you are.
We're friends on Facebook.
Whoa, you you memorized all your Facebook friends? Well, I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't.
- Yeah.
- Well well ha.
Since we're friends, I don't mind telling you I never miss a "Chump of the Week.
" They ever considered going "Chump of the Day"? Well, the suits would like me to do it every hour, but, you know, what makes it special is the fact that it's once a week.
It's anticipation.
It's like flirting is sometimes more fun than sex.
Yeah.
I like the sex, though.
I like soup, too, son, but I just enjoy heating it up first.
- Oh.
- [LAUGHING] BOTH: Ho, ho! - Man.
- Yes.
Mort, can we buy you a drink? Yeah, you sure can.
And food too.
- Yeah - Yeah, by all means.
- Yeah, we can also order food.
- We'll all just - Yeah.
- Yeah, we'll just have a big ol' supper, all of us.
[MOTOWN MUSIC] Oh yeah Oh yeah So I swear to God, I say to Marvin Gaye, "What's going on?" And it's like a lightning bolt hit, and he says, "Mort", you know I already did an album with that name.
" [BOTH LAUGH] Oh, Mort, I hope it's not crossing a line, but we run a small ad firm and we'd love for you to come and be the spokesperson for Garner Weich Furniture.
We know it's just a local commercial, but when we think of a name that people trust, only one comes to mind.
A man who taught us about the world.
The man who picks us up on our worst days and cheers us on in our best.
The man we rely on.
Mort Crim.
So, what's the commercial about? Oh, it's it's great.
You point to a pull-out couch and you say, "Come on down to Garner Weich Furniture, where we don't sleep on savings.
" No, no, no, no.
I mean, what's the big idea? Why why do this commercial now? - Uh yeah.
- Sell sell furniture.
No, no, no.
I mean, the commercial's got to speak to what people really care about.
Now, what do you do on a sofa? You watch TV, you read to the kids, you pay some bills.
But it's a place where you think about the things that really matter to you: the economy, health insurance, ISIS, North Korea.
It's not a sofa.
It's Plymouth Rock.
You want to sell furniture, you go get Guy Gordon.
You want Mort Crim, you better be ready to get real.
Well, sir, we're ready to get real.
- Yes.
- All right, now, let's get down to brass tacks.
Who shit in his pants? - It's Tim's jacket.
- Shut up.
It stinks.
Should we say "sturdy" or "dependable"? Like, which one sounds more like Mort? I think he would say "sturdy" and "dependable.
" "Sturdy and dependable.
" That's perfect.
That sounds just like Mort.
Father in the picture? - Good, good.
- Hey, Mort.
Hey, guys, this script is fantastic.
Oh.
Right here, where it says "sturdy," you mind if I say "sturdy and dependable"? Ha.
Go right ahead, Mort.
I mean, you really captured my voice.
It's like I wrote it myself.
Might want to do a few changes on the fly.
- Oh, no problem, absolutely.
- Mm-hmm.
We are all set.
Are you ready, Mr.
Crim? Well, no, but that's never stopped me.
- [CHUCKLES] - [LAUGHS] Come on.
- Lay off the gas, man.
- Shut up, Tim.
Mort cares.
Here we go.
And action.
Hi, I'm Mort Crim.
I'd like to talk to you about Garner Weich Furniture.
It's sturdy and dependable and oh, so fluffy.
We here at Garner Weich understand the importance of comfort in an uncomfortable world.
The economy in shambles.
Unemployment at an all-time high.
And the chilling reality that we're living every moment in the bloodthirsty crosshairs of ISIS.
- What? - Folks, I won't sugarcoat it.
ISIS won't stop until every last one of us is pink mist in the wind.
Cut.
That's not in the script.
Yeah, we'll get him back on track.
Yeah, no worries.
That felt good.
Yeah, it was great.
Absolutely perfect.
The one note is, maybe on this one, don't do the ISIS stuff.
I'm giving you gold.
Don't make me shovel crap.
- Yep.
- Yeah, we we won't.
Did you tell him? Yeah, we gave him the note.
So, he's going to stick to the script? He's gonna talk about ISIS.
And action.
ISIS, let's settle this thing once and for all.
You choose your best man, send him here to Garner Weich to fight me, Mort Crim.
Winner take all.
You win, America's yours.
I win, you give democracy a good old college try.
Plus, there's a cash prize.
25,000 to the winner.
25K, take home, tax-free, put up by my good friends at Garner Weich.
Cut.
Print that one.
[UPBEAT MOTOWN MUSIC] Whoa, whoa, sir Ah, ah, ah.
My man, get your big ass over there and sign in.
Before I get up there and pop your head like a pimple.
- Pop.
- You can't touch me.
You can only say "sir" three times.
[LAUGHS] New day, fat ass.
New Ned, too.
New balls on this new Ned are bigger, stronger.
I'm geared up.
Pepper spray, handcuffs, big-ass flashlight, rubber gun.
Don't tell nobody my gun rubber, neither.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sign in.
- What? - Since when? Since I let a robber come in here and make a fool out of me.
All right, well, why don't you just close the door properly when you leave? It's not about the door, Sam! [LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] - What's up? - [SIGHS] Wanda was going crazy on me, talking about firing me, sending me back to Chuck E.
Cheese.
I'm not going back to Chuck E.
Cheese.
The guy wore his real jeans.
- What? - Like, his real jeans from home.
Like, jeans, a shirt, big-ass Chuck E.
Cheese head.
- Son of a bitch.
- I can't take that, man.
Yeah, yeah, no, I know.
I'll tell Sam.
- Yeah, tell Sam.
- Yeah, I will, I will.
Toby, no sunglasses in the building, man.
Take 'em off or I'll whoop your ass.
Just sunglasses, man.
Well, then, just take 'em off your big, Frankenstein-ass head.
Okay, Ned.
I'll take off the sunglasses.
I know you will.
Because I am not going back to Chuck E.
Cheese.
People always ask how Garner Weich Furniture keeps its prices so low.
Oh, I hope Mort's okay with the edits we had to make.
He'll be fine.
He's a pro.
He knows, at the end of the day it's all about pleasing the client What's our secret? Detroit newscasting legend Mort Crim.
Hi, I'm Mort Crim, and I guarantee - I will kill - Prices.
- I will slash in half.
- Prices.
- I'm gonna smoke - Prices.
Out of their hiding places, and rip - Prices.
- Apart with my bare hands.
- This watermelon is - Prices.
- Prices.
- You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to hell.
- Huh? - Actually not bad.
- Pretty good.
- Yeah.
Garner Weich Furniture.
We hate high - Prices.
- Pretty good.
Well, son of a butcher.
Normally I don't comment on the commercials, but that's not what I said.
It just sucks being tricked.
Oh.
Moving on, a sinkhole in Clinton Township caused a You know what? I'm gonna do something I usually reserve for the end of the show.
But I'm doing it now.
Queue it, Donnie.
And now it's time for - Oh, no.
- Oh, God, please don't do it.
Sam Duvet and Tim Cramblin, local businessmen and liars, are my "Chumps of the Week.
" And that's that.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC] [MELLOW MOTOWN MUSIC] Morning, chumps.
- You're fired.
- Sam Oh, whatever.
I didn't sleep at all last night.
I'm "Chump of the Week.
" I wish I was dead.
I wish I was somebody else.
Not you, though.
You're "Chump of the Week" also.
- Yeah, man, I know that.
- Mm.
I told Chrissy.
She didn't give a crap.
Oh, she's a Philistine.
An uneducated idiot.
Tommy! Uh-uh.
Clean that up right now.
But you guys are "Chumps of the Week.
" Clean it! The hell he thought he was doing? We just gotta wait the week out.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- What? Mort Crim unfriended me from Facebook.
Fuck! - Good morning, chumps.
- [BOTH GROAN] You received many boxes of diarrhea this morning in the mail.
Ugh, boxes of diarrhea? I used to be the one sending diarrhea to "Chumps of the Week.
" I'm the one getting them? I hate that it's us but I-I respect these people's passion.
Yeah.
Tommy! Let's go, building closed.
Berenstain Bear, Mary J.
Blige, let's go.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, cornbread.
What did I tell you about wearing sunglasses in my building, man? - Not to wear 'em.
- What are you doing? - I'm leaving.
- Not with these.
You don't get your big, Jon Arbuckle-looking ass out of here, now, move! Hey, Toby, man, why you always the last one in my building, man? - I work late.
- "I work late.
" Take your fat ass home, man.
What's wrong with you? You got a smart-ass mouth, you know that? I refuse to go back to Chuck E.
Cheese.
The mouse wears real jeans! [ROUSING MUSIC] It's even more incredible than I've ever imagined.
In credible.
[LAUGHS] There's Mort.
That's all right, guys.
I know these fellas.
Hey, Mort.
Mort, we feel just awful about that ad.
- You should.
- We came here to tell you we are gonna air the version of the commercial where you threaten ISIS.
It actually tested very well.
That's great of you fellas to come down here, but I can't take back "Chump of the Week.
" - [SIGHS] - I didn't do it for Rasheed Wallace.
I can't do it for you.
I hope you understand.
[SIGHS] We understand.
Did you guys get your boxes filled with crap? - Yes.
- Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES] God, I love this town.
Excuse me, guys, I gotta go do the news.
- Whoa.
- We always thought you were sitting.
Welcome to the magic of television.
[LIVELY MUSIC] [ENGINE REVS] Good evening, Detroit.
I'm Mort Crim.
A wedding party in Southfield turned ugly today when a bunch of ugly people showed up.
[BOTH LAUGHING] [TENSE SYNTH MUSIC] Got your ass now.
Time to make the doughnuts.
Got your ass now, punk! Mm-hmm, I'm about to squeeze a charley horse out your ass.
[GUN SQUEAKING] Okay, wait, the gun is real.
The floor must be rubber.
I don't know what's [BOTH SCREAMING, GRUNTING] Oh, shit.
Aah! [BOTH SCREAMING] Uh-huh, your ass ain't going nowhere.
[LAUGHS] Aah! [GRUNTING] Don't want to tire yourself out.
- Aah! - [BOTH GRUNTING] [DISTANT SIRENS WAILING] [CHUCKLES] You think I didn't call for backup? Time to see who your ass is once and for all.
Oh, my God.
I've never seen you before in my life.
And now it's time for You know who pissed me off? My Facebook friend Mark Saganuti.
When somebody famous dies, don't just post a story about a time you met them.
So, Mark, you are my "Chump of the Week," Ha, chump.
I hate it when Mark does that.
I know him, too.
Oh, I'm Facebook friends again with Mort.
- Oh, that's great.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, I got you something, buddy.
Quintin.
- [GASPS] - I know it's not the same one you were Snowcoming King in, but Oh, I was king of the dance and everyone twirled around me.
- Oh, thank you, buddy.
- Yeah.
And no holly.
I mean, but it's fine.
It's the thought that counts.
- Yeah.
- [CHUCKLES] It's not that hard to find holly.
- But it's fine.
- Yeah.
Here's your beers, you guys.
Cheers, buddy.
- Cheers, buddy.
- I love ya.
Love you.
Final appeal, pal, please lose that jacket.
It stinks to high heaven.
Yeah, you know, I have thought about it, it does stink, but it's leather.
It's a process.
And it looks cool on me, so it's not going anywhere.
- Hey.
- [LAUGHS] Twinsies.
Same jacket, I This is not my jacket.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Bye, nerd! Keep walking.
Keep walking, nerd.
Bye! Thank you.
Cool.
I won't wear the jacket anymore.
Good night, Detroit, for now until the sun comes up.