Detroiters (2017) s02e08 Episode Script

Hark Motors

1 I got to get myself together, baby That was a great business lunch.
You all full, Kathy? I guess.
I'm so full, I could barf a horse.
It was a pretty good meal, then.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
Judy Thompson? Judy Thompson, VP of Marketing, Quicken Loans? We didn't know you were here.
You could've sat with us cool guys.
- Yeah.
- Hi, guys.
You know Ryan Lepchek of Doner Advertising? What's up, guys? Yes, unfortunately.
[OBNOXIOUS LAUGH] This is our client Kathy from Sidewall Windows.
We're just discussing a new flyer we're making for her.
Very cool.
Quicken Loans is doing a new national campaign.
They're not sure who they're going with yet, but, uh, wink wink.
- We'll do it.
- Yeah, we're in, half price.
- No, fellas.
- Yeah guys, it's not Uh, uh, Rocket Mortgage, pocket porgages.
It's a little pocket for porgages.
Rocket Mortgages, uh, fast like a rocket.
Introducing your new spokesperson, the Flash.
It's not about speed and more about how our simple process helps you understand everything so you can be confident.
Okay, with all due respect, who is more confident than the Flash, I wonder? Yeah, he's literally the fastest man alive, so Oh, guys, I'm sorry to cut this short.
This is my car.
- Cool.
- Nice.
- Stupid.
- Kathy, pleasure to meet you.
Doner Advertising.
Frickin' Doner.
Don't say "boner" in front of a kid.
He didn't say "boner," idiot.
He said "Doner.
" Stay out of it, dickweed.
You're not the one who said "boner.
" - I will say it.
- Don't you fucking do it.
I will! Hey, buddy.
Boner! - Oh - Oh, yeah.
Shit! Freakin' husband's a psycho.
You're a psycho This isn't my husband.
This is my son.
Come on, let's friggin' go.
Here, Kathy, why don't you hop in? Hold on to the rope this time so you don't go flying all over the place, okay? Oops, sorry, here you go.
[CAR BEEPING] You're gonna go to jail one day.
That's a promise.
Ouch! I said hold on to the rope! Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit City When we get back on our feet, yeah I never said I saw Big Bird.
I said I saw the kind of bird Big Bird is.
Yeah, well, I've seen that.
Yeah, I know, everyone has, I know that.
Two more criminals were brutally apprehended by a masked vigilante police are calling "Nerd Batman," due to his glasses.
I'm Mort Crim, which in French means death and crime.
I lost 30 pounds.
I lost 40 pounds.
I've lost so much weight, I need a whole new wardrobe.
Medicinal Weight Loss I founded Medicinal Weight Loss to help people achieve their dream bodies.
I guess some dreams can come true.
Medicinal Weight Loss, the shape of you is new Dr.
Mayflower made another ad without us? Who the hell made it for him? Doner made it, brah-brah.
Doner? You left us for Doner? This Lepchek guy said he can increase my business by 15%.
Said a guy like me should own a boat.
I don't have a boat.
I want a boat.
I told you you could borrow our pontoon boat anytime you want, just not during Jobbie Nooner.
But that's when I'ma need it.
It's a boat party.
For less money, Lepchek did my commercial good.
Oh, our commercial was good.
Yeah, the guy said his kid didn't recognize him anymore, and daddy wasn't funny since he lost the weight.
I mean, for the record, we didn't ask him to say any of that.
But you still put it in the commercial.
Yeah, 'cause if we didn't put that in, we wouldn't have had enough stuff.
Guys, the new commercial's great, it's bringing in business, and it actually lists my correct phone number on the screen.
[GROANS] [AGGRESSIVE ROCK MUSIC] May I help you? Yes, please take this down.
Congratulations congratulations.
You've awoken the beast, and now the beast is gonna bite ya back.
And who is this message for? Ryan Lepchek.
You can go ahead and just spray paint it on his desk and trash his entire office, please.
Dani, that won't be necessary.
- I wasn't gonna do it anyway.
- Hmm.
Ryan Lepchek, you tall, fat drink of crap.
You stole our client, man.
Can you be more specific? Dr.
Mayflower, oh, my God.
- You have General Mills.
- Mm-hmm.
You have Chrysler.
They're great.
Don't come to our toilet, reach in, and pull out our shit! Dr.
Mayflower was our shit.
Guys, this is how advertising works.
We steal each other's clients.
Okay, uh, it's like this.
Guy steals second base, right? He's not cheating.
He's just trying to win the game.
Well, statistically speaking, it's stupid to try and steal second base.
- I mean, moneyball.
- It's basic moneyball.
Okay, look, if it makes you feel any better, it's nothing personal, okay? We offered them a discount because we needed some bottom-of-the-barrel clients for our summer interns to train on, okay? That does not make me feel any better, okay? Look, our clients are our family.
Thank you for coming in, Mr.
and Mrs.
Oh, thank you so much for the cookies.
Our pleasure, Tyler.
Thank you for being so polite and professional.
Irv and Doris Smith! Tim.
It was just a meeting.
They invited us.
We will talk about it later.
Go wait in the car.
We drove here.
Go wait in our car.
All right, game on, my friend.
Game on.
Now we come after your clients.
See now that we know how the game is played, we're gonna play that game ourselves.
[CHUCKLES] And I'ma let you know something.
We play for keeps.
Well, guys, if you think you win by playing the game, then you've already lost, so - Freakin' hell.
- Holy fucking shit.
That was a knockout blow and he just left.
Yeah, he walks away 'cause he knew it.
- He knew that it was a knockout.
- He knew it.
- Okay, let's go.
- Oh, that was devastating.
[BASS MUSIC] - This feels a little beneath us.
- Yeah, totally.
But here comes somebody.
Let's do this! - Excuse me.
- Excuse us.
Excuse me, ma'am? You look like you're looking for two of the best admen in town.
Yeah, uh, we represent a small firm that's not so small in talent rude.
- Rude.
- It's all good.
Ah, may we have a moment of your time? Yes, and if you're looking for a firm that values people more than the bottom line - Not interested.
- Ah okay.
- Wow.
- My God.
[CAR DOOR SLAMS] Hey, what's up, dudes? Hey, you heading into Doner? - Ah, yes, we are.
- Ah, too bad.
- Excuse me? - Oh, it's just I heard you can get better service and a lower price at a place called Cramblin Duvet.
Cramblin Duvet.
Thanks for the tip, but I think we're good.
Ah, Doner sucks, sir.
Uh, seems like you suck.
- Do I suck? - No, man, no.
It's just, he came up with it so fast.
Like, it was so quick.
You don't suck at all.
Thanks, bud.
- Get out of here! - Hey! Why did you kick me out? I'm a client of Doner.
We hate our clients here at Doner! You bring your ass back around here, I'ma whup your ass for no reason.
Hey, you shouldn't have to be treated like that.
Yeah, we run Cramblin Duvet, and we always treat our clients with respect and never have our security guard kick them out for no reason.
Well, you don't know what he did.
Doesn't matter what he did.
What'd he do? Uh, I think the point is that he Wasn't doing anything, and he kicked him out for no reason because the company is bad.
No reason? The man cut his dick off in the break room! Too far.
- Too far, Ned.
- Ned, that is unbelievable.
People, there's a microwave in there that people eat Be careful, there's dick blood everywhere.
W-watch your feet, you got on dress shoes.
Have a good day.
All right, well, get back to work, Tommy.
Thanks, Ned.
- You guys need me, let me know.
- Yep.
Hey, it's the suck twins.
How's the sucking business? You're the one who sucks! Ohh, shit! My dude! My dude! Burn, asshole! Ahh! Oh! My! God! Oh, my God, you hit my friend, you friggin' psycho! I'm so sorry.
I feel like I had stopped.
No, you wasn't.
You were still coming back like an idiot.
I'm huwt! He just came out of nowhere.
Yeah, tell that to your cellmate, man.
My head huwts.
Shh, come on Why are you talking like that? [BOTH GIGGLE] C-come closer.
I think these might be his last words, maybe.
[GROANS] On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you with the service at Doner? What? I think he said, on a scale of one to ten, how happy are you with your service over at Doner? I don't get any service, I work there.
Work there? God damn it.
What kind of scam is this? I wasted, like, ten blood capsules on you.
I keep on swallowing them.
Don't waste people's time, sir.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't just eat the blood capsules.
Are you just swallowing 'em? - Yeah.
- I use these all the time.
Hark, you have designed some of the greatest American cars in the last 20 years.
So you creating your own car company is massive news, and we here at Doner Mr.
Lepchek? Yes, Dani? I am so sorry, but those men are still here.
[SIGHS] It's a couple of low-level ad guys trying to steal our clients.
Um, it's fine as long as they're not harassing anyone.
They're saying this is Boner Advertising and they're not looking for clients.
- Boom! - Shit.
This place is boner.
Sir? Mr.
Hark? - So close to boner! - Hello, Boner? [BOTH CACKLING] All right, next time, let's just not wait for them to respond.
Let's just shove them in the car.
Yeah, maybe we say we work for free, 'cause, I mean, - it's not about the money.
- No.
It's about stealing them from Doner.
Yeah, once they're in the car, we can tell them - anything we want.
- Yeah.
Holy shit, you're Allen Hark.
I hear you're looking to steal one of Doner's clients.
Well, you heard right.
Then drive.
[TYRONE CHESTNUT'S "THE BUMP" PLAYING] Come on This is where my father worked his whole life.
The world our children will grow up in is vastly different from the world we live in now.
I don't have any children.
Yeah, I'm not even seriously dating anyone right now.
It's not that I'm a player, it's just, I like the idea of a first kiss.
- Yeah, he loves kisses.
- Well, I don't have any children either.
I was just talking about the next generation.
- Yes.
- Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool.
- Other people's kids.
- Yeah.
I've raised over $200 million in investor money to start my own company, one that values creativity over conformity.
I went to Doner today.
That kid, Lepchek? Gave me the best presentation I've ever seen.
But I don't want to bring a boxer to a knife fight.
I want the kind of guys that'll bring a gun to a kid's birthday party.
- That's us.
- A toy gun, I guess.
- Yeah, but we'd do it.
- We would, for sure.
I can make the best car in the world, but it won't matter if no one wants to buy it.
- We're your guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you? - Yeah.
Sell me this pencil.
Excuse me? Sell me the pencil.
- Uh the okay.
- Uh Uh, no problem, no problem at all.
Yeah, here it comes.
[BOTH STAMMERING] Life goes by so fast, and each day you see - Sell me the pencil.
- I Yep, yep.
Well, first let's get you a water or something.
- You thirsty? - The pencil! Welcome to this our store.
We've been in business for a little while.
Little while.
We're struggling.
Okay, I'll sell you my car.
No, no, sell me the pencil.
600 bucks, that's what I'm saying, lease to own, 30 bucks a month, I pay your car insurance.
That's a terrible deal for you.
Is that yes? Is that a yes? You know what? This isn't a pencil.
No this is a, uh, trumpet.
Holy Whatever, I already own the pencil.
Well, yeah, exactly.
How are we gonna sell it to you if you already own it? The whole pencil thing was fun but a little stupid.
- Yeah, it was fun, though.
- It was dumb.
- It was dumb.
- But it taught me something.
You guys are hungry, and that's a good thing, because, gentlemen, I've made the car of the future.
And you are going to help me sell it.
Is he walking? - Sir, you probably shouldn't walk here.
- Is he walking? Tim, I think we just sold Hark Motors.
[BOTH LAUGH] Hey, Susan, quick question.
Is it too late for me to buy Girl Scout cookies from your daughter? Lepchek! You old barrel of dog piss and dog shit.
- Hey.
- Guess who we just landed? Hark Motors.
Stole him from right under your nose.
[BOTH SNICKER] I mean, no offense, but how did you guys land Hark Motors? - We're smart.
- We gonna bury you guys, steal all your Mm.
Cash for Copper Carl, what are you doing here? Tim and Sam.
I'm just simply listening to what these business people have to say.
Yeah, but you're our client.
Be that as it may, they say they can help me with my auto shop that replaces car windows and car radios should somebody have smashed your car window and taken your car radio.
- Just a nice business idea.
- Good idea.
- Helpful for people.
- Frickin' good idea.
- Gentlemen.
- See ya.
You really are a piece of giant horse crap.
I don't know what type of rivalry you think we have, but honestly, I just want the best for you guys.
And we want to kill you.
Frickin [BOTH MOUTHING WORDS] Offensive.
I don't come into your office and flip off that nice old lady that sits in that front desk.
- She's not nice.
- She's not nice.
She is old.
- She's not nice.
- Bips.
[FUNKY MUSIC] Welcome, welcome.
Goodness! Here, this is for you.
[CHUCKLES] "Zug Island Dog Dick Cabernet.
" Yeah.
It had the funniest name of all the ones in the store.
That's very funny, thank you.
Did you see the ad we placed in the paper? I see.
Now you've publicly entwined our destinies.
Very good.
Well, I hope you won't think I'm an old fuddy-duddy for asking you to remove your shoes in the house.
Oh, no, not at all.
Oh no, my grandma does the same thing.
And put on these shoes.
Right now? This is the south staircase.
It's the down one.
We use the north staircase to go up.
Uh, um, can you go up on this one? [DING] Hello, Allen.
Whoa, cool.
Smart homes have been done.
I wanted my home to be completely intuitive.
It knows what I want before I know myself.
Good night, Allen.
[DING] Lights on.
Hello, Allen.
I guess I must be tired.
Or maybe I am.
It only responds to me.
No, I no, I know, I was just joking.
So, uh, Allen, when are we gonna get a look at this new car? We'd love to come up with a marketing strategy, take it for a test drive.
Patience, Tim.
All will be revealed after dinner.
Not to malign what you do, but this car is going to sell itself.
Well, that should make our job pretty easy.
I'll still expect you to do your best work.
No, I know, I was just joking again.
Just chill out, lay off the gas.
- I know, I'm just trying - Whoa.
[WHIRRING] Thank you.
Beautiful, isn't she? Hmm? It's okay, we're all men.
There's no need to be shy here.
Do you find her very beautiful? I mean, if you do.
Let me ask you something, gentlemen.
Would you believe she is, in fact, a robot? - Yes.
- Yes, I would.
Well, that's because I told you.
No, 'cause Had I not used the word "robot," you wouldn't have suspected.
It's very, very obvious.
Most men would kill for a wife like that.
Is that your wife? The face of a Mona Lisa.
Brains too.
Brains of Mona Lisa? Shall we eat? It appears my house believes that I wanted spaghetti tonight, and I'm confident that deep down, I do.
I guess deep down you didn't want any meatballs either.
Good night, Allen.
- Hmm.
- There it goes.
Lights on.
- - Hello, Allen.
Guess I must be tired.
Sam, you'll be interested in this.
It's the ceremony where I became an honorary black man.
That's why I'm allowed to say the N word.
Right this way, gentlemen.
He's nuts.
This car's gonna be made out of cardboard.
He's not allowed to say the N word.
[EXCITING MUSIC] Gentlemen, introducing the world's first zero emissions car.
Zero emissions? That's right.
I've engineered it so that this car takes all of its harmful carbon emissions and exhausts and expels it into a non-toxic blob.
Listen to that engine purr.
That looks like shit.
Well, no.
It's emissions.
The car shoots out an emissions blob.
So, it shits? I don't think you understand the significance of what I've done here.
You've invented a shitting car.
It's not shit.
It's a blob.
Uh, can you make it any other color? No, I've tried.
Well, it smells like shit.
No, it doesn't.
Then what does it smell like? Mm-hmm.
Uh, all right, look, you've got plenty of money.
We can fix this.
The money's gone.
You spent $200 million on a shitting car and a robot with boobs? Once people start buying the car, there'll be no end of money.
We can do this thing together.
Okay, how much do you think people are gonna pay for a crapping car? I was hoping $1.
5 million.
Each? Yeah, the car costs $1.
4 million to make.
This is very disappointing.
I should never have trusted Lepchek about you.
Lepchek told you to hire us? That asshole! Well, good-bye, Allen.
Thanks for the spaghetti.
Good luck to you and yours.
Give me $1,000 and I'll let you sleep with my wife.
What? Aww, come on.
I see the way you've been looking at her.
[SCOFFS] I mean, maybe we don't have to tell anybody that he's insane and broke.
Yeah, I mean, maybe people would want a car that shits for $1 million.
Yeah, maybe.
[LAUGHS] What a psycho.
Oh, I know! - Freaking psycho! - Right? He's nuts.
What did that idiot say he wanted to sleep with his wife? - Oh.
- 1,000 bucks? - Nuts.
- Yeah.
He'd probably let me do it for, like, $500.
- Sam.
- I'm not gonna.
You piece of crap! I'm sorry, Mr.
Lepchek, I tried to stop them.
You barely tried.
I don't want to kick your ass.
How can I help you guys? You told Allen Hark to hire us to sell his pooping car to make us laughingstocks.
What? No.
I said you were psychos.
You son of a bitch! That's exactly what he wanted to hear! Guys, that honestly wasn't my intention, all right? Call it even? No, it's not even.
You stole from us.
Now we are going to steal from you.
Yeah, something from this office.
Okay, what are you gonna steal? I'm gonna steal your laptop.
- Not the laptop.
- Oh, no, I'm not stealing that.
It's expensive.
I'll get in huge trouble.
You know what, I'm taking this dragon skeleton thing.
That's an actual Maniraptoran dinosaur fossil.
Oh, sweet.
Aw, God damn it, that's cool.
- Thanks.
- What about this thing? It's dumb, who cares.
Well, I guess you picked your item.
No! I don't want that.
It's broken! God damn it, Sam, we could've had that dino! I know.
Best of luck to you guys.
Eat a butt, Lepchek! [LAUGHING] [FUNKY MUSIC] I honestly like those guys.
What? Nothing, Tim.
My mama got it, mama got it My papa got it Hey, it's the suck twins.
How's the sucking business? You're the one who sucks.
Ohh, shit! My dude! My dude! - Burn, asshole! - In your face.
- That's John Kerry.
- That is John Kerry.
I think that is