Diary of an Uber Driver (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

Episode 1

1 To take a walk To take a walk You told me to look at it To look at it, to look at it You found it hidden in her kit, she should have locked it I always thought it - (HORNS HONK) - MAN: Come on! You're very ugly.
Did you know that? Um that's not good news.
Extremely.
OK.
Um, is it Is it my pores? Well, you already know that they're a part of the problem.
- They're too big.
- Yeah.
You could carry water to the village in those pores.
Oh, well, that's upsetting.
Oh, no good? - Your, uh - My what? - Oh-oh.
- Ears.
They're too small.
How do you hear stuff? - I honestly I don't know.
- You should return them.
- To the small ear store? - That's what I'm thinking, yeah.
- Don't blame your parents, though.
- Oh, yeah.
For what? Well, I don't think you can test for annoying thin lips in the womb.
Wow.
Yeah.
I guess I am lucky to be here.
We learn from their mistakes.
Yeah.
You're quite articulate, but it - but it's undone by your voice.
- A little shrill? My aunt and uncle owned a dairy farm when I was a kid and, uh, whenever they'd take the baby cows away, the mothers would make this horrible screaming guttural noise for days and days.
My voice is like grieving cows? Oh, no.
No.
No.
Sorry.
No.
I was just thinking that to make myself feel better after hearing you.
- Oh, my mistake.
- It's OK.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) I guess it wouldn't matter that you were ugly if you had a good personality, but unfortunately - Terrible.
- Off-putting is how I'd describe it.
- Well, I could change.
- Can you? Actually, I might just get out here.
I need a coffee.
Alright, yeah, I can Yeah.
Just a tick.
I'll pull up to the side.
Thanks, mate.
Yeah.
Don't forget to give me five - (DOOR SHUTS) - stars.
- Fuck you, Uber! - Whoa! Thanks! Thanks for that, mate.
What is that, a kebab? That's a pretty weird breakfast food! Kind of wasteful too, actually! So, the environment, mate Oh, good on ya.
Yep.
Bet you were high Falling apart, can't deny Better or worse, I'm finally free Burning bridges, now (SONG CONTINUES ON CAR RADIO) I can breathe Hey, Beck.
Uh, just checking if you need a ride home from work tonight - or anything else.
- (DOOR OPENS) - Uh, happy to drop by whenever.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Whatever I can do, you know.
Anyway, give me a call or a text.
No, that's that's exactly what I said.
Sorry.
Jodie? No, I know.
- Uh, off to Glebe? - Oh, no, that's exactly right.
Yeah.
No, I know.
This is ridiculous.
OK, to Glebe it is.
Bet you were high Falling apart, I can't deny We were driving to Jervis Bay and, you know, neither of us are talking, as usual, and we'd just got past Berry and it was pitch black.
And all of a sudden Martin started screaming and he almost swerved off the road, right? Anyway, I'm sitting there completely shell-shocked and he says, "I think we've hit something.
" So we stop the car and get out and there's this poor little possum wriggling around on the side of the road.
And it's bleeding and it's not dead and I started crying and Martin, he couldn't even look at it.
WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Oh, God.
Did you put it out of its misery? Well, that's what I said to Martin.
I said, "We're going to have to put it out of its misery.
" So he goes round to the boot and he comes back with this kind of I don't even know what it was, actually.
It was this metal bar thing and, you know, I thought, "There is no way that he's going to be able to kill an animal," - you know, Martin.
- Yeah, I know.
Anyway, all of a sudden, throws his arm in the air and he just starts pummelling this thing in the head.
No.
And honestly, Kate, I lost count of how many times he hit it.
The blood going everywhere.
I'm standing there, crying, completely useless, and he's swinging and swinging and it felt like it went on forever.
But it was probably actually only, you know, a moment.
Anyway, even after all of this, the possum is still twitching in the dirt.
Oh, yeah.
Because of the nerves.
Well, yes, that's what Martin said: the nerves.
Anyway, he finally kicked it under some leaves on the side of the road and we got back in the car, and I'm I'm looking at him and he's you know, he's breathing very heavily and he's wiping sweat from his brow and, Kate, I don't know what it was about the whole thing, but seeing him like that, I just all of the blood in my body just went whoosh between my legs.
- Oh, dear.
- I know.
And I I said, "Martin," and he looks at me.
And I just took my hand and I unzipped his shorts and I just started masturbating him.
No.
And I thought he was gonna stop me, because Christ knows when was the last time we were intimate, but he doesn't stop me.
He just looks at me.
So I say, "Martin, would you like to take your T-shirt off?" And he just shakes his head and I find this incredibly erotic because he sometimes he's a bit funny about getting muck on his tops.
Right.
And all the while I am just you know, I'm having these sort of flashes of him swinging this metal bar thing and honestly, Kate, I know should have been completely disgusted, but - It was the initiative.
- Well, that's it.
It was the initiative, thank you.
It was watching him take that initiative.
So I just kept, you know, I just kept stroking him and he's making these these noises and he's moaning and sort of pulling his shorts further down and he's kind of lifting his his body off the seat and angling it towards me but and it was so animalistic, that I just I knew exactly what he wanted and I said to him, "Martin, do you want me to play with your bottom?" Oh my.
Anyway, poor thing, it must have been too much for him because just hearing me ask that question, he orgasmed all over and And, anyway, after he wiped off, we just continued on to dinner with, um, Ian and Vicky.
But honestly, Kate, it's this whole new dynamic between us.
Like, he is sensitive, you know, he is listening, he's We've never been happier.
I was really dreading it, but it was actually it was a really nice night in the end.
Vicky's started her glass-making.
Oh, I know.
Jesus Christ! Just Come on! I want more than just my house It escapes a resemblance to home that I felt when I was young (BABY CRIES) (PHONE MESSAGE) Hey, it's Beck.
Leave me a message and I'll get back to you.
Just to Condell Park, bro.
No worries, bro.
Had a good day so far, Mohammed? Call me Mo.
Yeah.
I think this would probably be one of the best days of my life.
Can't believe I just finished my first job interview, at the age of 25.
- I mean, how messed up is that? - Oh, no way.
That's not messed up.
Sounds like it went well.
I killed it.
Honestly, man, like, every question, I studied my arse off, so That's awesome.
Congratulations, man.
Yeah, the only problem is, uh, I kinda need a reference, eh? Oh, yeah.
It's crazy, eh? They always want, like, three professional referees, two personals and your dog.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) Hey, man, can I tell you something in confidence? Yeah, man.
Anything.
Well, since I was 16, I've kind of been a a salesman of a different kind.
And, um, I wanna change that.
I don't feel good making money like that, so And, look, not to make excuses, but, like, where I came up, you kinda had to do stuff or you'd get your arse kicked.
A lot of my mates are in jail, so this job is it's kind of like a you know, a fresh start for me.
Oh, right.
That's, like, inspiring, bro.
So who'd you put down as a reference? Greg Davies.
Oh, yeah.
And who's Greg Davies? Well, Greg Davies is whoever answers this.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
I got, like, 10 of them at home.
Right.
You gave him a, uh a burner.
Yeah, a burner.
So, uh, how'd you get started with Uber, anyway? Uh, well, some things changed for me.
Um (PHONE RINGS) Like, it's him.
- OK, you gotta answer, right? Yeah.
- What? - I got no one else.
- Oh, no - Come on, man.
- No, no, no.
I You don't want me to do that.
This is how much I want you to do it.
No, I don't know what to say.
I don't I have no idea OK, your name is Greg Davies and you sell Toyotas.
- I can't do it.
- OK, ready? Go.
Hello, Greg Davies' phone.
Hi, there.
My name is Reg Thompson.
I'm calling from Direct Contact Solutions.
Um, I just interviewed a colleague of yours, Mohammed Nasser.
Oh, yeah.
Hi, Reg.
Greg, Mr Nasser's put you down as a professional reference.
We were just hoping you could tell us a little about your experience working with him? Yeah.
Uh, look, Reg, gotta be honest with you.
Uh, it's hard for me to talk about Mohammed simply because I haven't quite got over the day we lost the bastard.
Uh, yeah, a salesman like Mohammed only comes through your door once in a lifetime.
So, he had a good sales performance? Oh, mate, THE best sales performance in in the South Pacific region.
OK, great.
And do you think he cooperates well in a team? Oh, Reggie, this guy's not just a team player, alright? He is like dear family to everyone he meets.
I mean, I don't think I'd still be here if it wasn't for him.
Oh.
OK I'd still be here.
He he was just a shoulder to lean on.
Right.
Not not in an unprofessional way or anything, just I was going through some depression and Mo filled in (MOUTHS SILENTLY) for for a few days.
Right.
Right.
So, he had some managing experience.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Well, I'm sorry to hear about your depression.
I'm, um, actually going through something similar myself.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
That's really tough.
Are you are you OK? Yeah.
I actually find going to work helps.
It's just mostly in the nights I find it harder.
Yeah, the nights can be lonely.
(MOUTHS SILENTLY) - Uh, Reg? - Sorry, Greg.
Yeah, anyway, just thanks so much for your time and I'll, uh I'll let you get back to your business.
Alright.
Alright.
Thanks, Reg.
Cheers.
- Well, what the hell was that?! - I don't know.
- I was trying to make you sound nice.
- Why'd you say that stuff to him? Was he crying? What are you talking about, "the nights"? - I told you I couldn't do it.
- Oh, it started off so well! (GROANS) I'm so sorry.
Bro? I'm real sorry.
I (PHONE RINGS) It's him.
- Uh, hello.
Mo speaking.
- Hi, there.
This is Reg.
Hi, Reg.
I just had a word to a colleague of yours and I'm Are you serious, bro? Oh, yeah.
Amazing.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank thank you so much.
- Yeah.
I'll see you then.
- Thanks, Mo.
- Yeah, I got it! - Yeah! Yeah, man.
- You did it! - Nah, man.
You did it.
This is the first day of the rest of my life.
- Yeah, man.
Yeah.
- Yes! Congratulations.
- (LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY) Thank you.
- (LAUGHS) Well, later that I night, I found my shoes Starts the blues, shook my keys, you should please Could we rewind so we can find a shelter from the storm? Your bellyaches and black snakes, in two shakes You said you'd be back, but you lied You're gentlemanly, fair, but you're still not here WOMAN: (ON TV) There were plenty of pulse-inspired morsels on taste.
But it was what people were washing the canapes down with that was the main talking point.
Yeah, there's a bit of an aftertaste there, but not really when you're drinking it.
Oh, it's alright, actually.
Pleasantly surprised.
I've had And, yeah, this is pretty good for a craft beer.
Can you pick up the lentils? - The idea of the lentil beer - (SIGHS) came from pulse processor AGT Foods.
OK, junk, junk, bill junk.
(HACKING COUGH) God, your electricity bill must be high with all that TV you watch.
Do you want this? To turn these red seeds into You're not eating pizza.
Alright, come on, let's go.
It's plainly ludicrous that I'm not provided money for my lunch.
I mean, I could understand if we went somewhere where I actually enjoyed the food, but I wouldn't be caught dead in this place if it was up to me.
And they say, "Oh, well, you can always eat beforehand.
" Uh, well, hang on a sec.
No, my personal time is my own and I will not be strongarmed into scoffing my lunch on the bus just because he prefers his cafe.
You finished with that? I know people see this type of work as noble, but to be honest, I think you'd be more rewarded as a cleaner.
Right.
At least people can say thank you to a cleaner.
I mean, half of them can barely understand a word I say.
Hello! See? Overnight, they get THAT look about them, and then in a minute, they're gone.
I lost three last year.
Four the year before.
People ask me how I do it and I just don't know.
I don't.
My mum said my whole life I've been as tough as nails.
Maybe that's it.
It just takes a certain type of strength, you know? Yeah, right.
Oh, stop, stop.
This is me.
Stop.
Ken? Listen.
Listen to me.
This man is going to take you to your house now, OK? Do you hear me? Ken! MAN: Thank Christ.
What was that, Ken? Need a hand getting in, mate? No.
You all good, Ken? You're doing great? - You all good? - Me arse feels funny.
- Your arse? - Yeah, someone keeps kissing it.
Alright, Ken, I'll leave you to it, mate.
Wait.
I've got something.
Something to say thanks.
Oh, thanks a lot, mate.
Oh, big old bag of rubbish.
Good one.
- Bin's round the side.
- No worries.
Hey, uh, Ken when did the, uh apartment block go up? Bunch of pricks, hey? Alright.
See ya, Ken.
Wait.
Close the door.
Oh! How long have you been doing this? I don't know.
Gosh, how much beer do you drink, Ken? Not as much as you, by the looks of it.
- Brutal.
- You know how to disconnect these? Yeah, yeah.
I used to work at a pub.
Worked in a pub, now he's a driver.
Is your mother proud? - Is your mother alive? - Oh, come on.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, sorry.
Sorry, Ken.
Bring it.
Where are we going? The sex dungeon.
- WOMAN: Hey, Ken.
- Sheridan.
Two of mine, and, uh What's your name? Ben.
Hi.
Lovely to meet you.
Ben'd like a bowl of arses to kiss.
- Coming right up.
- (CHUCKLES) So, sorry, Ken, what is explain to me what's going on here? Oh, the owner lived in my place till '75, and he put an entrance through the shed and now they sell my beer.
Oh, right.
Is that legal, to sell your beer? How about you don't say anything about the beer and I won't tell Sheridan the filthy things you said in the car.
(LAUGHS) He's joking.
I didn't.
Something about curvy women, was it? More to love? Didn't say that.
I don't have a preference.
No, he's not fussy.
No, it's not about I just don't It's I don't see people in that type of way.
- You don't objectify.
- No.
Yeah, I don't.
- Then why did you say in the car - I didn't! Cheers.
Cheers.
You know for a minute, when we walked in, I thought you were taking me to meet Aslan.
What? Uh, the lion from Narnia? Never heard of him.
Think you have heard of him.
What was it you wanted to chat about? Me? Uh, I didn't don't want to chat about anything in particular.
Oh, just just a general chat, then? What? No, no.
I don't need a chat.
I mean, you're the one that kind of lured me down into your shed.
Well, because you needed a chat.
I don't need a chat, Ken.
I think you needed a chat.
- I don't need a chat.
- I don't need a chat.
I don't need a chat.
I have things to think about.
Yeah, like what? Well, like my dead wife.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't Do you have a dead wife to think about? I don't, no.
Oh, it's not all bad.
You know why? Why? Because she wasn't always dead.
Well, that's great news.
No, for 75 years, she was very alive.
And God knows why, she spent 50 of those years with me.
And that, Ben, is more than enough to think about.
Well, it's (CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.
Mind you, it wasn't always perfect.
You spend 50 years with a person, you can't have 50 perfect years.
No, no.
One time she hit me.
Bam.
Hit me with our car.
- What? - With the car.
She hit me.
- On purpose? - Oh, yeah.
- Why? - Because I messed around on her.
- Jesus! - Oh, no.
I deserved it.
But that was a hard year.
Hard year.
But it's a good memory.
How's how's that a good memory? It's all a good memory.
Because you know what happened when she died? - What? - Nothing.
No more hard times, no more good times.
Nothing.
And anything's better than nothing.
At least anything that happened with her.
Even getting hit by a car.
Yes, even that.
What about you? - What about me? - Well, you're always alone.
Driving around in that ugly car.
I drive people around.
I'm never by myself.
- (CHUCKLES) - I talk to people all day.
Because you've got nothing to think about.
That's that's not true.
I got lots to think about.
Like? Normal stuff.
Um the future.
What, spaceships? No, like my future and (SIGHS) what I'm supposed to be doing.
What are you supposed to be doing? I don't know, Ken.
That's what I worry about.
Oh, well I guess drinking with strangers on a Tuesday afternoon's a good start.
I hope you know this time's for good Wouldn't come back now even if I could - 'Cause I - (TURNS OFF MUSIC) - Hi.
- Hi.
How's it going? How's it going in there, little one? You being nice to your mum? (CHUCKLES) - Sorry.
- Yep.
How was work? Good.
Tiring.
Ohh (STARTS ENGINE) Hey, are you, uh hungry? I was thinking that maybe we could go to dinner maybe, if you if you wanted.
Um To be honest, I'm I'm pretty exhausted at the moment.
Yeah? Cool.
Yeah.
I think I just wanna have an early one.
- If you don't mind - Yep, sure.
could you just drop me home? Totally.
Thanks.
- MAN: Fuck you, Uber! - Je I said I shed my skin Need you to let yourself be helped.
- Hello? - Did you find us annoying, driver? - No, not at all.
- MAN: He has to say that.
I just wanted to let you know I quit.
And secondly, I just wanted to tell you to go fuck yourself.
Holy shit.
- Ohh! - Woof! Borrowed time - (QUIETLY) Dammit.
- These bedroom walls are thin