Diary of an Uber Driver (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Hello.
How are you? Just heading to Martin Place, please.
Yes.
Easy.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry, do you mind if I use the phone? No.
(SINGS ALONG TO INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO) - MAN: Taxi! (WHISTLES) - (CHANGES RADIO STATION) (FOREVER YOUNG BY ALPHAVILLE PLAYS OVER RADIO) Taxi, yo! (MEN CHAT LOUDLY OVER EACH OTHER) Hi.
Hello.
- How's is going? - (ALL SHOUT AND LAUGH) Live forever ALL: Forever - Where to, guys? - MAN 2: Northies.
Take us to Northies, bro.
- MAN 3: Yeah, bros! - Whoo! ALL: I wanna be forever young Wait, I'm going to Snapchat this bloke.
Yoo! ALL: Do you really want to live forever - Forever - I love it! - Yeah, boy! - (ALL LAUGH) Shit.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi.
Sorry.
- I love you.
- Love you.
Ash! Ashish! - Yes? - What are you eating? Oh, this? It's just some daal.
Yes, it looks like the daal that I was saving for myself.
Oh, no.
Oh, I I'm sorry.
I must have accidentally looked at your fridge shelf rather than my own.
What's the point of having a shelf system if no-one's going to honour it? Honour? Saad, the only other thing in that fridge is Raj's haemorrhoid cream.
There is no honour in this house.
Why does he do that? RAJ: I like it cold! (HORNS HONK) I didn't ask you to take the bloody scenic route.
I didn't take the scenic route.
I've lived here my whole life.
I know how to get to fuckin' Leichhardt.
- This is the fastest route.
- Bullshit.
- It's traffic everywhere else.
- Utter bullshit.
Fuck! This is absolute fucking gridlock.
We are not going anywhere.
Why are we sitting here? You know what? It's going to be better to walk.
Hey, wait.
It's $27.
50.
That's all you're getting.
No, wait! Hey! Hey! It's $27.
50! Learn to drive properly, you'll get paid properly.
Come on, man.
Shit! (SIGHS) (SIGHS) (HORN HONKS) - WOMAN: Hi! - Hello! How are you? Good, thanks.
How are you? Um, just heading to Bella Vista, please.
Yes, no worries.
How are you? Did you have a good day? Oh, yeah.
Not too bad.
Just been shopping with my sister.
Mm.
Probably spent too much money, but whatever.
Trying not to think about it.
Are you having a good day? Ah, OK.
Ah, last passenger, he was very angry.
Oh, no, really? Why? Oh, he thought that I was taking him for a ride Oh, my God! Is that Rachel? Oh, my God, it is! Oh, driver, can you just pull over here, please? - What? - Uh, sorry.
I just saw my friend, and can you just pull over here? Sure.
Uh, here you go.
Uh, keep the change.
Rachel! - WOMAN: Hey! - Oh, my God! - What are you doing here? - You look amazing.
Thank you! (SIGHS) No, no, no, no, no, no! Motherfucker! No! - BEN: Need a hand with your bags? - WOMAN: All good.
- Chuck them in the back.
- Motherfucker! - Uh-oh, here we go.
- Fucking Uber fuck! - Calm down, mate.
- You jerk! You don't know.
You don't! Look, the cab rank is over there.
She booked me to pick her up here.
- That's just how it is.
- Motherfucking You have no idea.
You don't know.
You you don't! I'm sorry, mate.
I got to go.
I can't park here.
Stupid fucking Fucking Uber.
Fuck! Oh, I'm so sorry about that.
What was his problem? I don't know, these insane cab drivers.
I mean, you know what it is? I think that they've just had it too good for too long.
And I feel for them, but it's like, you know, they just got a little bit comfortable - and a little bit entitled.
- Yeah, right.
You can't just get angry 'cause you don't like change.
Mm.
I was in the front row in 2013? But it was worth every penny, because let me tell you, she was absolutely sublime.
- Superb.
- Yeah, yeah.
I was there.
You were not.
I love Carol King.
You're either lying or you look impeccable for a gay man in his fifties.
- (CHUCKLES) - I was there.
I took my stepmum.
- Wasn't it gorgeous, Terry? - MAN: Sorry, Jim? I said, wasn't Carol King gorgeous? You're asking my opinion, are you? OK, what exactly has got your goat, hmm? Out with it.
I I'm not playing this game.
It's just nice to get a word in.
For once.
Oh, I see.
This is because I was talking to Susie Bruckner, is it? Terry, darling, if you want to go gallivanting around town looking for love, by all means do so, but I will not be blamed for your sexual frustration.
Oh, that's not fair, Jim.
You You don't know what it's like to have to jump back in after your wife suddenly up and leaves you.
Don't listen to him.
She left five years ago, and it was as amicable a separation as anyone could hope for.
I'm just asking for a bit of thoughtfulness, that's all.
You know what you're like.
Actually, I don't know what I'm like, Terry.
Why don't you tell me? You're a very charismatic man.
Well, thank you.
You're very affable with your whole Kevin Costner thing.
You're a very handsome man, Terry.
Wouldn't you agree, driver? Absolutely.
Yep.
Russell Crowe-ish.
Yeah.
See? Well, people are drawn to you, that's all, and I just think sometimes you could leave a little bit more room for others socially.
OK.
All right.
I can see I might not have been the best wingman, as they say.
Oh, I don't need a wingman.
I just you know Some room for Terry to shine.
Yeah.
Just a little bit of room for Terry.
Susie's as head over heels for him as he is for her.
The only reason she talks to me is because every time she tries with him, the poor man almost passes out with nerves.
(BOTH LAUGH) Hey, I was thinking Yeah? we might go to that new Lebanese restaurant - by Callum's tonight.
- Oh, yeah, please.
- Thanks, driver.
- See ya, guys.
- Seemed like a nice bloke.
- Yeah.
I don't want Jack to come to dinner.
I kind of like him.
I don't think Josie even likes him.
Shit.
Get this.
She said she has to let him win at reading.
(CHUCKLES) What does that mean? How do you win at reading? I think he sulks if she laughs Ah! You definitely don't have a Phillips head? I thought that was a Phillips head.
There's a different one in the kitchen.
Oh, my God.
- Where is it? - Third drawer.
What is this? Oh, hey.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I said, "Third drawer.
" Why have you got a drawer full of wrappers? Because I was saving them for a competition.
But there's, like, 50 different brands in here.
Wow.
I really underestimated your ability to self-destruct.
Yeah, well, I really underestimated your ability to be a dick.
(CHUCKLES) Why are you hiding them? Because you're always snooping.
Always snooping? Oh, you mean taking your rubbish out.
(SIGHS) What, is it a pregnancy craving? No, just I eat sugar when I'm nervous.
You do not get nervous.
Course I do, Ben.
I had no idea you were scared.
Well, yeah, I Beck, I'm terrified.
Are you kidding? I I can barely sleep.
Yesterday I just sat in my car.
Just sat there with the car off, staring at some dust for an hour.
Just sitting in the Masons' carport, and I was completely lost.
Crayon had been crying inside the house.
I hadn't even noticed.
Crayon's the Masons' cat.
I'm supposed to feed him at seven.
I mean, I can't even keep a cat fed.
I'm going to have a nap.
OK.
Do you want me to finish the thing? No.
GIRL: Are you going to Melbourne? Maybe, if my dad and brother can come down too.
Cool.
Yeah, of course.
If you've done your homework.
I mean, if I come home and you've spent the whole afternoon playing video games, you can forget pizza, my friend.
Well, I am going to check it, James, OK? All right, be back soon.
Bye.
All right, girls, let's go! Did you call Roadside Assist? I was going to but, um, my son's home alone, and, to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed about calling them again.
Why? Oh, I promised the man last time he came out that I would take it straight to the shop.
(CHUCKLES) But I didn't do that, so now look.
Well, I think the odds of the same Roadside Assistance guy turning up are pretty low.
Oh, mate, with the face on this one, you wouldn't have risked it.
- (CHUCKLES) - I'm not even joking.
He made me look in his cold black eyes and promise them that I would replace the, uh uh, coolant hose.
- And why didn't ya? - Yeah, why didn't I? 'Cause I'm an idiot, man, that's why.
(CHUCKLES) Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you'll probably have to face up to it unless you - Shh.
- hang out backstage.
Um, I don't really have time to do much backstage because I'm in most of the scenes, but sometimes I just, like, practise choreography or go on Snapchat.
That's so cool.
Evie went on Wednesday.
- I'm only on Tuesday and Sunday.
- Are you in the matinee? Yep.
Think that's when we'll have to go 'cause my Grandma can't go out at night.
Oh, cool.
Were you nervous when you met Tim Minchin? No, he was really nice.
He only came to rehearsals once, though.
That's so cool.
OK, MJ, are you going to be right getting in by yourself? Yep, I'll be fine.
All right, I'm sorry about the delayed departure.
Can you please tell your mum that I'll call her tonight? Yeah, yeah.
I'll do that.
See ya, MJ.
See you next week.
- See ya.
Bye, Olive.
- Bye.
Hey, Olive, I just, um, want to talk to you about something.
Do you remember when I told you I was really terrible at sports? Yeah, you tell me all the time, and I don't really know why because you know that I really like sports.
OK, can you just listen to me for a second, please? At my school, all the boys were pretty obsessed with football, and I wanted them to like me, so what I did was I actually I actually told them that I was the captain of the football team at my old school, even though I never actually made the football team at all.
But I told them that because I wanted them to like me.
Yeah.
So, I know it can be hard when you want to make friends and you want people to like you, but you're not sure what to do.
Yeah, well, I'm just telling you this because I wanted to ask you does MJ think that you're in the Matilda musical? I don't know.
Just 'cause I was listening to that conversation Why were you listening? That's so rude, Dad.
Olive, we're in a car.
I mean, it's a pretty small space.
It's very difficult not to hear people when you're in a car.
So so can you just tell me, why does MJ think you're in that show? I don't know.
Did you maybe tell you drama class that you were playing Matilda? No, I didn't.
Then why did they think you are? Because I didn't even say that! I just said that I was going to audition.
Then Dylan told Mary-Jane, and then they just thought that I was in it.
I never even told them that I was in it.
I didn't, Dad! OK, Olive, but I'm just wondering, do you think it's going to be a little strange when Mary-Jane goes to see you in Matilda, but you're not in it? Because she's going to be expecting to see you, you know, and then Matilda's going to come out, and MJ and her Granny are going to be like, "Who the heck is this rando? Where's Olive?" - OK.
- OK, right.
So, one option, we could just keep the lie going, and then maybe MJ will be sitting far enough away that she won't recognise it's not you.
Yes, she will.
OK, bad idea.
That one's on me.
Um, what else? Oh, obviously, we could just go and find all the other Matildas and then like totally just wipe them out, like Angelina Ballerina.
Then obviously they'll have no other option but to cast you.
All right, well, what else? Um Driver, you got any ideas? Well, um, you could get plastic surgery so you look exactly like the Matilda from the show, then they'll think it's you.
Fantastic.
Yeah, I mean, it's expensive, but it could work.
(SIGHS) That would not work.
- Sorry, driver.
- She's not wrong.
Um, what about you, Olive? Is there anything that you could think of that could help? Maybe I could just tell her the truth.
The truth? OK, hmm.
And what would you say? I could just be like, "Hey, MJ, I told a silly lie.
"I'm not really in Matilda the musical.
Sorry.
" OK, interesting.
That sounds That sounds great to me.
Mm-hm.
Sounds a lot easier, don't you think? Yeah.
'Cause you know what? Those guys already like you, just as you are, OK? OK.
Would you mind terribly if I sat here forever? As long as you want.
No, no.
Better go.
It's pizza night, after all.
Um, thanks very much.
See you soon.
Hey, uh Yeah? That was I don't know, that was just, um What? How did you, uh, know how to do that? (CHUCKLES) Uh, it's just what my dad would have done.
Yep.
(PHONE RINGS) (LAUGHS) I'm sorry! I'm sorry! (LAUGHS) (SIGHS) I don't know.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - (KNOCKING AT DOOR) - Yes? - Want some food? What is it? What do you mean, what is it? You're going to say no? Hi, Ash! Your man is spoiled, Diya.
Oh, you don't even know, Ash.
You don't know.
Thanks, Ash! "What is it?" What? (LAUGHS) Uh, keep laughing.
Huh? Is everything OK? Yep.
I'll come by later, though, for sure.
Why is everyone so obsessed with her? Hey, sorry.
You're going to have to get out.
What? You can't just leave us here.
Did you just fuck up from the first moment you were born? I don't care.
I just I don't care.