Dice (2016) s01e03 Episode Script
Prestige
1 You normally take me everywhere.
Why can't I come? Shake, this ain't no poker game.
This is a big event.
Had to RSVP.
You had to RSVP for this bullshit? This ain't no bullshit.
You're talking about Cynthia Plaster Caster, you understand? One of the most famous artists in the world.
Her stuff is shown in museums, like, across the planet.
I don't buy it.
All all for making moldings of dicks? Not dicks.
Erections of some of the most famous rockers, celebrities ever.
People like Hendrix, Zappa.
She did the drummer from the Kinks.
And in '89, she makes a molding of the most famous comic to ever walk the planet Earth.
Eddie Murphy? I know what you're doing, Shake.
You're trying to get a rise out of me.
It ain't gonna happen.
I'm in a great mood.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Sounds like she's just making, you know, like, expensive dildos.
Babe, I'm telling you, wait till you see it.
I have seen it.
Up close.
No, but I'm talking about, you know, from 1989, when it was at its peak, you know what I mean? When it was at its biggest.
When it when it would light up a room.
Okay, I cannot believe this woman got famous for this.
This is so weird.
It's not weird.
These are some of the most famous, greatest performers of all time.
I mean, here.
Jimi Hendrix, right? This left-handed genius of a motherfucker playing "Purple Haze" with this hanging in his drawers.
I guess.
Look around.
You got 'em all here.
Jello Biafra, that's a big one.
Yeah, look.
Sonny Bono.
Ohh.
Looks like he wasn't circumcised.
- Here, take a picture.
- Intr Why would you do that? What what do what's that about? No, I was just Wait, wait.
Carmen.
Carmen, come with me.
Come here.
Seeing something that maybe looks familiar? Oh, it's John Belushi.
Dice.
Can I take a picture of you in front of your piece? We can't seem to find it.
Hello, Dice! There she is.
Come here, come here, come here.
- How are you? - I'm so glad you made it.
How's it going? Listen, this is my girl, Carmen.
It's really nice to meet you.
It is really nice to meet you, too.
I love what you've done.
Thank you so much.
I hope you don't mind us sharing Dice's manhood with the rest of the world.
Oh, actually, we haven't been able to find it.
Yeah, you know what, you're right.
I don't see yours.
Let me - Hey, Sandro? - Yes? What did we do with Dice's phallus? - Who? - Andrew Dice Clay.
What's it look like? It's the really cool one, with the special rim, and it's got a little you know, it's got the knuckle bump on the side with the flab underneath.
It's just it's average.
No, it's it's it's average now.
It wasn't average then, right? - It was beautiful.
- She knows.
- Yeah.
- I wasn't saying anything bad.
Well, okay, it's got to be around here somewhere.
I'm gonna go find it, all right? Yeah, you do that.
Why why would you even say anything? I was just trying to help.
Oh! Top of the world, ma.
You okay, babe? I don't know.
I don't know.
What's wrong? This about tonight? What do you think, huh? I wanted you to see it when when it was king.
I got the real thing right here.
No, I'm not kidding around.
Wouldn't it wouldn't it be nice to know that certain things in life just don't change? Listen, I love you for who you are now, okay? Come on.
You got the "Welcome To Vegas" commercial in the morning.
Babe, I used to do stadiums, you understand? I used to rock the world.
Now I'm doing free commercials? That that don't sit right with me.
Listen, forget about it.
Let's just get some sleep, okay? Feel better tomorrow.
Come on.
I'm sure they'll find your penis.
- Rita! - What? - Oh, gosh.
- I can't believe it.
You you're doing this, too? Yeah.
It's you.
I haven't seen you since you left me standing outside Rascals Comedy Club at 2:00 A.
M.
after you promised me a ride home to the city.
Uh, uh, you know, you made it home okay, obviously, right? - Obviously, yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, look.
We'll we'll catch up later.
- You're doing makeup now.
- Yeah.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Oh, no.
Not this fucking guy.
Well, how you doing, fuckface? How you doing, Wayne? When'd they let you out of your cage? I don't know.
They got coffee? What are you up to? Let me tell you a little story.
Let's go back to 1990.
I was offered to play the concierge in a little movie called "Pretty Woman.
" I know the story, Wayne.
Yeah, but I want you to listen.
A friend of mine by the name of Andrew Dice Clay goes behind my back and convinces Garry Marshall to give that role to somebody else, because he wanted me in his film, "The Adventures of Ford Fuckface.
" You know, Wayne, I think it's time you let this go.
You're lucky I'm letting you go.
- Hey, there you are.
- Believe that guy? He's lucky I'm in a good mood, you know? Yeah, sure.
Hey, we're gonna have you paired with Criss Angel, okay? What do you mean with Criss Angel? He's a magician.
Comics and magicians, they don't blend.
- That's not how it works.
- What are you talking about? All right, look, you're new at this, obviously.
You don't know how the game is played in Vegas.
I'll explain this to you.
At the very top of the food chain, right, you got the crooners, the singers, all the way back to the Rat Pack you might not remember that, with Sinatra and Sammy and Dean all the way to Wayne Newton, right? Oh, yeah.
Now, right below that is the comedians, the great comedians the Dangerfields, the Don Rickles, the Dice Clays.
Now, under that, well, here comes the Blue Man Group.
"Ba, ba, ba.
" Assholes, you know what I mean? Sure.
Under all that shit you got, like, the puppet acts, the fucking ventriloquists, that kind of bullshit.
Now, below that, all the way at the bottom, you got the fucking magicians.
You see what I'm saying? You don't you don't want to put me with a magician.
You put me with a crooner.
Right.
I didn't quite get this hierarchy but, uh Yeah, well, that's what I'm trying to see, I'm trying to help you.
I don't want you to look stupid.
So you put me, like, with Rita.
Right.
You put me with one of the crooners.
Sure.
But, now, Criss here has made, like, over $150 million from the Luxor.
Actually it was $160 million.
You know what, I-I'll go with the flow.
You know what I mean? I'm a good guy like that.
I-I'll do the thing with Criss.
So, anyway, I explained to this yo-yo, you know, that comics and magicians, they don't mix.
I mean, no disrespect.
It's okay.
You know, I'm not really a magician.
Well, what are you? An accountant? You know what I mean? I'm the Mindfreak.
No, I get it.
I get it.
You're re-branding yourself.
A mindfreak is actually very different than a magician, Andrew.
A mindfreak performs demonstrations of extraordinary mental power.
So, why don't you have, like, some animals in the show? Why the fuck would I work with animals? Because any magician worth anything has got some lions and tigers.
Look, buddy, I'm telling you, I get it.
You're intense, you wear the tight clothes.
But you want to last on the Strip, you got to put some animals in there.
I appreciate the advice.
But as I said, I'm a mindfreak.
I do tricks with the mind.
Yeah? Well, let me explain something to you, 'cause I know a couple things.
This is a long life, my friend.
One day you're onstage at the Garden and the Forum and the Spectrum.
The next minute, Mindfreak, I'm onstage at a fucking sushi place called Bonzai.
Okay.
So, Dice, you're gonna say, "Welcome to Vegas.
" Criss, you'll say, "It's unbelievable.
" Uh, Wha-wha whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute here.
I say "unbelievable.
" No, he says "unbelievable.
" He's the mindfreak.
He does tricks that are unbelievable! No, no, no, no.
Uh, but You don't under Unbelievable's, like, my thing.
It's my catchphrase.
Right.
Oh, okay.
But no one's gonna remember that, and it doesn't make any sense.
Everybody's gonna remember You know what? You know what, it's okay.
Just let him do the "unbelievable" line.
Let's just get this done.
Okay.
Let's just do it.
Whatever.
Great.
- On your mark.
- And action! Welcome to Vegas.
It's un-believe-a-ble.
Ohh! Cut.
Doesn't make any sense.
And what is this? I'm sorry, Miss Rudner.
It'll be about 40 minutes more before they can send another limo up.
40 minutes? I-I heard that.
Larry, how you doing? - Hey.
Dice.
- Get over here.
Rita, honey, what where you going? - Uh, downtown? - Yeah, no problem.
Let me make up for that time I dumped you in Jersey.
Come on.
We'll have a couple laughs.
All right, let's get out of here.
Oh, man! I'm gonna give it the five-second rule.
You got to.
All right, that's good.
Dice, that's a Lamborghini.
It's not toast.
Don't worry about it.
Put your seat belt on.
Let's just get out of here.
You know, hanging out with you again, like, this is a lot of fun, huh? Oh, yeah.
I-I do apologize for that night at Rascals.
I really do.
But I guess things like that happen, so, yeah.
Yeah, you know.
Let's just, uh let's just move on.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
- Yeah.
We're mo we're moving on.
You know, I was thinking, like, uh You know, we should film, like like some bits or something, you know? You you know anybody, like, at Youtube? You're ask you're asking me if I know anybody at Youtube? Yeah.
You don't have to know anybody at Youtube.
No, 'cause they're a big network.
That's what I'm saying.
Give me a second, sweetheart.
I just got to get this, all right? Dice.
Hey, uh, Dice.
It's Sandro, Cynthia's assistant.
Sandro, how you doing? Good, good.
Listen, great news.
I found it.
- You found it? - Uh-huh.
- I found your phallus! - They found my phallus! Uh, I you have no idea how I've been waiting for this call.
You actually made my day, Sandro.
Dice, congratulations, man.
This is a really, really nice penis.
Listen, is it okay if, uh, I stop by like around 2:00 tomorrow to take a look? Perfetto.
Ci vediamo domani.
Ciao, bello.
Look at this! What, are you running for Congress? We talked about this.
You are looking at the new Realtor for Carson Realty.
Carmen, get it out of your head.
I did not give you permission for this.
You didn't give permission? Tell you what I'll give you permission to go fuck yourself! Don't get so nasty.
What what's that about? This is the age of feminism, Andrew! The decade of Beyoncé.
Hillary Clinton is gonna be president.
So if you think I need to ask your permission to get a job, you need to get a Delorean and travel back to a time when people actually gave a shit about what you think.
Why don't you go back to 1989 and see if you can find your missing dick?! You throwing so many fucking insults at me, I don't even know which one to address first.
I worked so hard on this.
I busted my ass.
I had to go become friends with Rose Carmichael.
So I actually don't give a shit what you think.
Carmen Carmen, d-do you have any idea how this is gonna fuck up my life? How does this fuck up your life? You know, you're gonna be over there, I'm over here, what do what if I what if I need something? Like what? Like like the remote.
I can't even find it now.
You can't find the remote? Okay, call the office.
I got to call the office to find out about a remote? You see how ridiculous this is? Forget it! Let me get this straight.
You don't want me to get a job on the off chance that you might need to find the remote for the television? There is no off chance.
It happens like six times a day.
Okay, I'm starting Monday, so that gives you the weekend to gather all the tuna-fish openers and all the remote controls and get ready to be alone.
I just don't understand her sometimes.
I mean, she goes and gets a job, that puts my whole life in disarray.
I mean, that's what I try to explain to her all the time.
I'm from Brooklyn, you know what I mean? We take care of our women.
East coast guys, you know, hey, yo, Adrian, I want to take care of you, you know what I mean? Yeah.
But B-Balboa's from Philly.
That's not the point.
It's East coast.
Brooklyn, Philly, it's all the same, right? I get it.
You like to help people.
Help me out.
You can buy me a TV.
Why do you got to make it all about you? I ain't making it all about me.
I'm making it all about you buying me a TV.
Yo, Dice! Finally.
All right.
We're here.
Come on.
I've been waiting for hours, man.
- I'm busy, too, you know.
- Okay, take it easy.
Wait till you see my cock from '89.
- Shake - All right, all right.
- Come on, come on.
- this thing is beyond belief.
Every vein in place, the rim is beautiful, got beautiful color.
Shake, you're gonna want to take it home and eat it.
Are you ready? It's been a long time, you know what I mean? I'm reuniting over here.
Kind of nervous.
You ready, Shake? Lay it on me.
And voilà .
Wait a minute.
Let me see this.
Where's the veins? Where's the, uh the frickin' balls are too round.
There had to this is not my cock.
What do you mean it's not yours? It's not mine.
I know my cock.
I know every inch.
Mine was the kind that, you know, women loved it.
Wasn't too big, it wasn't too small.
The kind of cock you could hang out with.
And this is not mine.
Now, where is it? It must have been mislabeled.
Well, where is it? Where the fuck is my dick? Okay, you know what, Dice, if we can't find it, I'm sure Cynthia will do another molding.
- Come on.
- You don't get it, do you? I need my cock from back then! From the good old days.
From 1989.
The cock everybody sucked on and fucked on and did all kinds of shit on.
That's the cock I need.
Not this stupid thing I got to carry around.
You got Dice.
Hey, it's the director of the "Welcome to Vegas" commercial.
- Yeah, don't you got a name? - Yeah, I have a name.
But you don't know it, so this is faster.
Okay.
So, what do you want? Well, we screened the commercial, and it's just as I feared.
People just don't get why you're the one saying unbelievable when you're standing right next to a magician.
I told you, comics and magicians don't mix.
The thing is, we're gonna need you to come back in and re-shoot.
Are you fucking kidding me? I come in there for nothing, no fee, to help out Las Vegas, and you expect me to come back for re-shoots? All right, forget it.
We'll just cut you out.
No, no.
No, wait a minute.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
I'm just having a bad day over here.
I'll tell you what.
Just, uh, send me the details and I'll be there, okay? And then text me about 45 minutes before I'm supposed to be there.
- You got that? - Oh-kay.
- This fucking guy.
- Ho! Marlon Brando.
Looks like he fell asleep while they were It was you, Charlie.
Stop showing me Brando's cock.
Please? And action! Welcome to Vegas.
It's unbelievable.
Cut! Perfect! See? He says "unbelievable," it makes sense.
Moving on.
Listen, I don't want to sound like an asshole, but Rita said that you may have dinged my car.
No, I didn't ding your car.
I did ding a car, but it was a Lamborghini.
Exactly.
It was my Lamborghini that you dinged.
- Oh, really? You got a Lamborghini? - Yeah.
Maybe I should learn to pull a rabbit out of a fucking hat.
Just say, "Man, I'm sorry.
I dinged your car.
" - You know what, I - Just give me an honest apology.
No, it was, and I'm really sorry.
I you know, I wa - It's ok you know what? It's okay.
We'll let it go.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
As a matter of fact, you should come to my show tonight at the Luxor.
Bring your wife, bring your girl.
No, I you know what it is? I-I just don't understand magic tricks, you know? It's like like anything.
Like, I-I like Indians, but I don't eat Indian food.
You know what I mean? I get it.
It's cool, man.
This shit's not for everyone.
Nah, come on.
I'm fucking with you.
I'm gonna come to your show.
How's that sound? You give me some tickets? - Whatever you want.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Come on.
- We're all good.
- All right? - I'll see you.
- What time's the show? - 7:00.
All right? - You got it.
- I'll talk to you later.
- All right, man.
- 7:00.
- 7:00! I got this, Carmen.
Did did you bring any of my candy? Like the Tootsie Pops, any of that? All right, what is it? You still mad at me? Babe, you you're awesome.
Being awesome is not the point.
The do you even know what the point is? Yeah.
Like, you're like, you're, like, unbelievably organized with things.
No.
I support you, Andrew.
Even when you do stupid shit, I support you.
And the one time I ask for a little support in return, you act like a fucking asshole.
Are you ready?! Go crazy! Ladies and gentlemen, the number-one magician on the planet Criss Angel.
Are you ready?! Go! Starting now, now, now! Right there! Yeah! Ho! You can see birds outside, too.
Thank you.
All right! All right.
I have a t-shirt I'm gonna toss out.
I'm gonna throw it to the loudest person in the loudest section.
Where are you?! I mean Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Dice Clay! Oh, come on! Come on up here, man! I don't want to go up.
Come on, now! Dice, can you come up here? Bring your girl.
Carmen, you want to go up? Come on.
Come on up here, man.
Give it up for the King of Comedy.
Come on up here.
Come on! This is nuts.
What are we doing? Let him feel your love, people! Come on! - Hi, how are you? - Hi.
Hi.
You mind helping me out, hon? - Carmen, yeah.
- Y-you're Carmen? Carmen.
You're beau how did he get you? That's what I want to know.
I want to try something with both of you.
- Is that okay? - Yeah, sure.
All right, cool.
You want to see somebody disappear? All right! Let's open up the curtain.
Let's show them how we're gonna do this.
Dice, will you have a seat over there? Carmen, you have a seat over here.
Yeah.
Have a seat.
Relax.
Carmen, are you ready? Let's do it! Place your hands, Carmen, right through the cloth.
The beautiful Chloe will help you.
Dice look into my eyes.
Ahh! You ready? Cool.
Carmen, remove your hands.
Pull them into the cloth now.
It's gonna happen now! Thank you so much! Good night! What the fuck? Dice! Come on in, man.
Great show.
Thank you so much for coming out, man.
I appreciate it.
If you hang out for like an hour, 9:30, I have a completely different show.
- You'll love it.
- You know, on any other night, I would, but I got to get out of here.
I'm just, um you know, I'm looking for Carmen.
She disappeared.
Yeah, all right.
I get it.
All right, very funny.
But no, seriously, you know where she is? You were there.
You saw it.
Are you joking? Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.
You're the fucking comedian, buddy.
You tell me.
You see, that's what I tried to explain to you about magicians not mixing with comics.
'Cause what you're actually doing now is a bit.
But magicians don't know when to end that bit, and comedians do.
Andrew, I'll make a little deal with you.
Yeah, what? Make the dent in my car disappear and I'll make your girl reappear.
Fair.
Now? What are you talk My car's parked out back.
It's the black Lamborghini with the fucked-up door, in case you forgot.
Excuse me, you know where the parking garage is? Yeah, you just make a right, and then another right.
Right and a right.
- Right and right.
- Right and a right.
Okay, gotcha.
Okay.
- Wayne? - Hey, Dice.
Dice, I got good news for you, man.
You know that thing you've been looking for? The piece of art? My thing? Your thing.
I found it.
My thing? - Your thing.
- My th There's nothing in here.
There never was.
Wait a minute.
Wayne! Wayne, where you going? Wait a minute.
Where where's the parking lot? You make a right, and then another right.
- A right and a right.
- A right and a right.
That's what you told me last time.
Yeah, I know.
A right and a right.
What the fuck? Ohh, ooh! What the fu Hello? What is go Wait a minute.
Where's Angel's car? You want it back, you're gonna have to split for it.
Gonna have to split for it? Dice, five-second rule! You're gonna have to split for it! Five-second rule.
W-hat? What is going on? I decided to take your advice, Dice, and work with animals.
I know you all, God bless you, believe! I ain't never been through anything like that in my life, I got to tell you.
That was crazy.
I mean, I open up my eyes, they're all laughing.
Isn't that what you devoted your life to? Standing on stage and having people laugh at you? Yeah, but while I know it.
All right, listen.
Listen, I got to tell you this, 'cause I've been thinking about it.
I-I want you to take that job.
I want you to go to work in the morning.
Thanks, Andrew.
Yeah.
Whatever you want, okay? I got you.
How was the magician? He's no magician.
He's a mindfreak.
Look, Sandro brought this by.
He found it.
I had a look, I could not - You already looked? - It's a nice piece.
But don't open it yet until I go, because, you know, it's breathtaking, and I-I just don't want to be here.
So, enjoy.
Enjoy.
Babe.
All right.
You ready? Yeah.
Go ahead.
Why can't I come? Shake, this ain't no poker game.
This is a big event.
Had to RSVP.
You had to RSVP for this bullshit? This ain't no bullshit.
You're talking about Cynthia Plaster Caster, you understand? One of the most famous artists in the world.
Her stuff is shown in museums, like, across the planet.
I don't buy it.
All all for making moldings of dicks? Not dicks.
Erections of some of the most famous rockers, celebrities ever.
People like Hendrix, Zappa.
She did the drummer from the Kinks.
And in '89, she makes a molding of the most famous comic to ever walk the planet Earth.
Eddie Murphy? I know what you're doing, Shake.
You're trying to get a rise out of me.
It ain't gonna happen.
I'm in a great mood.
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
Sounds like she's just making, you know, like, expensive dildos.
Babe, I'm telling you, wait till you see it.
I have seen it.
Up close.
No, but I'm talking about, you know, from 1989, when it was at its peak, you know what I mean? When it was at its biggest.
When it when it would light up a room.
Okay, I cannot believe this woman got famous for this.
This is so weird.
It's not weird.
These are some of the most famous, greatest performers of all time.
I mean, here.
Jimi Hendrix, right? This left-handed genius of a motherfucker playing "Purple Haze" with this hanging in his drawers.
I guess.
Look around.
You got 'em all here.
Jello Biafra, that's a big one.
Yeah, look.
Sonny Bono.
Ohh.
Looks like he wasn't circumcised.
- Here, take a picture.
- Intr Why would you do that? What what do what's that about? No, I was just Wait, wait.
Carmen.
Carmen, come with me.
Come here.
Seeing something that maybe looks familiar? Oh, it's John Belushi.
Dice.
Can I take a picture of you in front of your piece? We can't seem to find it.
Hello, Dice! There she is.
Come here, come here, come here.
- How are you? - I'm so glad you made it.
How's it going? Listen, this is my girl, Carmen.
It's really nice to meet you.
It is really nice to meet you, too.
I love what you've done.
Thank you so much.
I hope you don't mind us sharing Dice's manhood with the rest of the world.
Oh, actually, we haven't been able to find it.
Yeah, you know what, you're right.
I don't see yours.
Let me - Hey, Sandro? - Yes? What did we do with Dice's phallus? - Who? - Andrew Dice Clay.
What's it look like? It's the really cool one, with the special rim, and it's got a little you know, it's got the knuckle bump on the side with the flab underneath.
It's just it's average.
No, it's it's it's average now.
It wasn't average then, right? - It was beautiful.
- She knows.
- Yeah.
- I wasn't saying anything bad.
Well, okay, it's got to be around here somewhere.
I'm gonna go find it, all right? Yeah, you do that.
Why why would you even say anything? I was just trying to help.
Oh! Top of the world, ma.
You okay, babe? I don't know.
I don't know.
What's wrong? This about tonight? What do you think, huh? I wanted you to see it when when it was king.
I got the real thing right here.
No, I'm not kidding around.
Wouldn't it wouldn't it be nice to know that certain things in life just don't change? Listen, I love you for who you are now, okay? Come on.
You got the "Welcome To Vegas" commercial in the morning.
Babe, I used to do stadiums, you understand? I used to rock the world.
Now I'm doing free commercials? That that don't sit right with me.
Listen, forget about it.
Let's just get some sleep, okay? Feel better tomorrow.
Come on.
I'm sure they'll find your penis.
- Rita! - What? - Oh, gosh.
- I can't believe it.
You you're doing this, too? Yeah.
It's you.
I haven't seen you since you left me standing outside Rascals Comedy Club at 2:00 A.
M.
after you promised me a ride home to the city.
Uh, uh, you know, you made it home okay, obviously, right? - Obviously, yeah.
- Yeah.
All right, look.
We'll we'll catch up later.
- You're doing makeup now.
- Yeah.
- I'll talk to you later.
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Oh, no.
Not this fucking guy.
Well, how you doing, fuckface? How you doing, Wayne? When'd they let you out of your cage? I don't know.
They got coffee? What are you up to? Let me tell you a little story.
Let's go back to 1990.
I was offered to play the concierge in a little movie called "Pretty Woman.
" I know the story, Wayne.
Yeah, but I want you to listen.
A friend of mine by the name of Andrew Dice Clay goes behind my back and convinces Garry Marshall to give that role to somebody else, because he wanted me in his film, "The Adventures of Ford Fuckface.
" You know, Wayne, I think it's time you let this go.
You're lucky I'm letting you go.
- Hey, there you are.
- Believe that guy? He's lucky I'm in a good mood, you know? Yeah, sure.
Hey, we're gonna have you paired with Criss Angel, okay? What do you mean with Criss Angel? He's a magician.
Comics and magicians, they don't blend.
- That's not how it works.
- What are you talking about? All right, look, you're new at this, obviously.
You don't know how the game is played in Vegas.
I'll explain this to you.
At the very top of the food chain, right, you got the crooners, the singers, all the way back to the Rat Pack you might not remember that, with Sinatra and Sammy and Dean all the way to Wayne Newton, right? Oh, yeah.
Now, right below that is the comedians, the great comedians the Dangerfields, the Don Rickles, the Dice Clays.
Now, under that, well, here comes the Blue Man Group.
"Ba, ba, ba.
" Assholes, you know what I mean? Sure.
Under all that shit you got, like, the puppet acts, the fucking ventriloquists, that kind of bullshit.
Now, below that, all the way at the bottom, you got the fucking magicians.
You see what I'm saying? You don't you don't want to put me with a magician.
You put me with a crooner.
Right.
I didn't quite get this hierarchy but, uh Yeah, well, that's what I'm trying to see, I'm trying to help you.
I don't want you to look stupid.
So you put me, like, with Rita.
Right.
You put me with one of the crooners.
Sure.
But, now, Criss here has made, like, over $150 million from the Luxor.
Actually it was $160 million.
You know what, I-I'll go with the flow.
You know what I mean? I'm a good guy like that.
I-I'll do the thing with Criss.
So, anyway, I explained to this yo-yo, you know, that comics and magicians, they don't mix.
I mean, no disrespect.
It's okay.
You know, I'm not really a magician.
Well, what are you? An accountant? You know what I mean? I'm the Mindfreak.
No, I get it.
I get it.
You're re-branding yourself.
A mindfreak is actually very different than a magician, Andrew.
A mindfreak performs demonstrations of extraordinary mental power.
So, why don't you have, like, some animals in the show? Why the fuck would I work with animals? Because any magician worth anything has got some lions and tigers.
Look, buddy, I'm telling you, I get it.
You're intense, you wear the tight clothes.
But you want to last on the Strip, you got to put some animals in there.
I appreciate the advice.
But as I said, I'm a mindfreak.
I do tricks with the mind.
Yeah? Well, let me explain something to you, 'cause I know a couple things.
This is a long life, my friend.
One day you're onstage at the Garden and the Forum and the Spectrum.
The next minute, Mindfreak, I'm onstage at a fucking sushi place called Bonzai.
Okay.
So, Dice, you're gonna say, "Welcome to Vegas.
" Criss, you'll say, "It's unbelievable.
" Uh, Wha-wha whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute here.
I say "unbelievable.
" No, he says "unbelievable.
" He's the mindfreak.
He does tricks that are unbelievable! No, no, no, no.
Uh, but You don't under Unbelievable's, like, my thing.
It's my catchphrase.
Right.
Oh, okay.
But no one's gonna remember that, and it doesn't make any sense.
Everybody's gonna remember You know what? You know what, it's okay.
Just let him do the "unbelievable" line.
Let's just get this done.
Okay.
Let's just do it.
Whatever.
Great.
- On your mark.
- And action! Welcome to Vegas.
It's un-believe-a-ble.
Ohh! Cut.
Doesn't make any sense.
And what is this? I'm sorry, Miss Rudner.
It'll be about 40 minutes more before they can send another limo up.
40 minutes? I-I heard that.
Larry, how you doing? - Hey.
Dice.
- Get over here.
Rita, honey, what where you going? - Uh, downtown? - Yeah, no problem.
Let me make up for that time I dumped you in Jersey.
Come on.
We'll have a couple laughs.
All right, let's get out of here.
Oh, man! I'm gonna give it the five-second rule.
You got to.
All right, that's good.
Dice, that's a Lamborghini.
It's not toast.
Don't worry about it.
Put your seat belt on.
Let's just get out of here.
You know, hanging out with you again, like, this is a lot of fun, huh? Oh, yeah.
I-I do apologize for that night at Rascals.
I really do.
But I guess things like that happen, so, yeah.
Yeah, you know.
Let's just, uh let's just move on.
- Exactly.
Exactly.
- Yeah.
We're mo we're moving on.
You know, I was thinking, like, uh You know, we should film, like like some bits or something, you know? You you know anybody, like, at Youtube? You're ask you're asking me if I know anybody at Youtube? Yeah.
You don't have to know anybody at Youtube.
No, 'cause they're a big network.
That's what I'm saying.
Give me a second, sweetheart.
I just got to get this, all right? Dice.
Hey, uh, Dice.
It's Sandro, Cynthia's assistant.
Sandro, how you doing? Good, good.
Listen, great news.
I found it.
- You found it? - Uh-huh.
- I found your phallus! - They found my phallus! Uh, I you have no idea how I've been waiting for this call.
You actually made my day, Sandro.
Dice, congratulations, man.
This is a really, really nice penis.
Listen, is it okay if, uh, I stop by like around 2:00 tomorrow to take a look? Perfetto.
Ci vediamo domani.
Ciao, bello.
Look at this! What, are you running for Congress? We talked about this.
You are looking at the new Realtor for Carson Realty.
Carmen, get it out of your head.
I did not give you permission for this.
You didn't give permission? Tell you what I'll give you permission to go fuck yourself! Don't get so nasty.
What what's that about? This is the age of feminism, Andrew! The decade of Beyoncé.
Hillary Clinton is gonna be president.
So if you think I need to ask your permission to get a job, you need to get a Delorean and travel back to a time when people actually gave a shit about what you think.
Why don't you go back to 1989 and see if you can find your missing dick?! You throwing so many fucking insults at me, I don't even know which one to address first.
I worked so hard on this.
I busted my ass.
I had to go become friends with Rose Carmichael.
So I actually don't give a shit what you think.
Carmen Carmen, d-do you have any idea how this is gonna fuck up my life? How does this fuck up your life? You know, you're gonna be over there, I'm over here, what do what if I what if I need something? Like what? Like like the remote.
I can't even find it now.
You can't find the remote? Okay, call the office.
I got to call the office to find out about a remote? You see how ridiculous this is? Forget it! Let me get this straight.
You don't want me to get a job on the off chance that you might need to find the remote for the television? There is no off chance.
It happens like six times a day.
Okay, I'm starting Monday, so that gives you the weekend to gather all the tuna-fish openers and all the remote controls and get ready to be alone.
I just don't understand her sometimes.
I mean, she goes and gets a job, that puts my whole life in disarray.
I mean, that's what I try to explain to her all the time.
I'm from Brooklyn, you know what I mean? We take care of our women.
East coast guys, you know, hey, yo, Adrian, I want to take care of you, you know what I mean? Yeah.
But B-Balboa's from Philly.
That's not the point.
It's East coast.
Brooklyn, Philly, it's all the same, right? I get it.
You like to help people.
Help me out.
You can buy me a TV.
Why do you got to make it all about you? I ain't making it all about me.
I'm making it all about you buying me a TV.
Yo, Dice! Finally.
All right.
We're here.
Come on.
I've been waiting for hours, man.
- I'm busy, too, you know.
- Okay, take it easy.
Wait till you see my cock from '89.
- Shake - All right, all right.
- Come on, come on.
- this thing is beyond belief.
Every vein in place, the rim is beautiful, got beautiful color.
Shake, you're gonna want to take it home and eat it.
Are you ready? It's been a long time, you know what I mean? I'm reuniting over here.
Kind of nervous.
You ready, Shake? Lay it on me.
And voilà .
Wait a minute.
Let me see this.
Where's the veins? Where's the, uh the frickin' balls are too round.
There had to this is not my cock.
What do you mean it's not yours? It's not mine.
I know my cock.
I know every inch.
Mine was the kind that, you know, women loved it.
Wasn't too big, it wasn't too small.
The kind of cock you could hang out with.
And this is not mine.
Now, where is it? It must have been mislabeled.
Well, where is it? Where the fuck is my dick? Okay, you know what, Dice, if we can't find it, I'm sure Cynthia will do another molding.
- Come on.
- You don't get it, do you? I need my cock from back then! From the good old days.
From 1989.
The cock everybody sucked on and fucked on and did all kinds of shit on.
That's the cock I need.
Not this stupid thing I got to carry around.
You got Dice.
Hey, it's the director of the "Welcome to Vegas" commercial.
- Yeah, don't you got a name? - Yeah, I have a name.
But you don't know it, so this is faster.
Okay.
So, what do you want? Well, we screened the commercial, and it's just as I feared.
People just don't get why you're the one saying unbelievable when you're standing right next to a magician.
I told you, comics and magicians don't mix.
The thing is, we're gonna need you to come back in and re-shoot.
Are you fucking kidding me? I come in there for nothing, no fee, to help out Las Vegas, and you expect me to come back for re-shoots? All right, forget it.
We'll just cut you out.
No, no.
No, wait a minute.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
I'm just having a bad day over here.
I'll tell you what.
Just, uh, send me the details and I'll be there, okay? And then text me about 45 minutes before I'm supposed to be there.
- You got that? - Oh-kay.
- This fucking guy.
- Ho! Marlon Brando.
Looks like he fell asleep while they were It was you, Charlie.
Stop showing me Brando's cock.
Please? And action! Welcome to Vegas.
It's unbelievable.
Cut! Perfect! See? He says "unbelievable," it makes sense.
Moving on.
Listen, I don't want to sound like an asshole, but Rita said that you may have dinged my car.
No, I didn't ding your car.
I did ding a car, but it was a Lamborghini.
Exactly.
It was my Lamborghini that you dinged.
- Oh, really? You got a Lamborghini? - Yeah.
Maybe I should learn to pull a rabbit out of a fucking hat.
Just say, "Man, I'm sorry.
I dinged your car.
" - You know what, I - Just give me an honest apology.
No, it was, and I'm really sorry.
I you know, I wa - It's ok you know what? It's okay.
We'll let it go.
Thank you.
I appreciate it.
As a matter of fact, you should come to my show tonight at the Luxor.
Bring your wife, bring your girl.
No, I you know what it is? I-I just don't understand magic tricks, you know? It's like like anything.
Like, I-I like Indians, but I don't eat Indian food.
You know what I mean? I get it.
It's cool, man.
This shit's not for everyone.
Nah, come on.
I'm fucking with you.
I'm gonna come to your show.
How's that sound? You give me some tickets? - Whatever you want.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Come on.
- We're all good.
- All right? - I'll see you.
- What time's the show? - 7:00.
All right? - You got it.
- I'll talk to you later.
- All right, man.
- 7:00.
- 7:00! I got this, Carmen.
Did did you bring any of my candy? Like the Tootsie Pops, any of that? All right, what is it? You still mad at me? Babe, you you're awesome.
Being awesome is not the point.
The do you even know what the point is? Yeah.
Like, you're like, you're, like, unbelievably organized with things.
No.
I support you, Andrew.
Even when you do stupid shit, I support you.
And the one time I ask for a little support in return, you act like a fucking asshole.
Are you ready?! Go crazy! Ladies and gentlemen, the number-one magician on the planet Criss Angel.
Are you ready?! Go! Starting now, now, now! Right there! Yeah! Ho! You can see birds outside, too.
Thank you.
All right! All right.
I have a t-shirt I'm gonna toss out.
I'm gonna throw it to the loudest person in the loudest section.
Where are you?! I mean Ladies and gentlemen, Andrew Dice Clay! Oh, come on! Come on up here, man! I don't want to go up.
Come on, now! Dice, can you come up here? Bring your girl.
Carmen, you want to go up? Come on.
Come on up here, man.
Give it up for the King of Comedy.
Come on up here.
Come on! This is nuts.
What are we doing? Let him feel your love, people! Come on! - Hi, how are you? - Hi.
Hi.
You mind helping me out, hon? - Carmen, yeah.
- Y-you're Carmen? Carmen.
You're beau how did he get you? That's what I want to know.
I want to try something with both of you.
- Is that okay? - Yeah, sure.
All right, cool.
You want to see somebody disappear? All right! Let's open up the curtain.
Let's show them how we're gonna do this.
Dice, will you have a seat over there? Carmen, you have a seat over here.
Yeah.
Have a seat.
Relax.
Carmen, are you ready? Let's do it! Place your hands, Carmen, right through the cloth.
The beautiful Chloe will help you.
Dice look into my eyes.
Ahh! You ready? Cool.
Carmen, remove your hands.
Pull them into the cloth now.
It's gonna happen now! Thank you so much! Good night! What the fuck? Dice! Come on in, man.
Great show.
Thank you so much for coming out, man.
I appreciate it.
If you hang out for like an hour, 9:30, I have a completely different show.
- You'll love it.
- You know, on any other night, I would, but I got to get out of here.
I'm just, um you know, I'm looking for Carmen.
She disappeared.
Yeah, all right.
I get it.
All right, very funny.
But no, seriously, you know where she is? You were there.
You saw it.
Are you joking? Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.
You're the fucking comedian, buddy.
You tell me.
You see, that's what I tried to explain to you about magicians not mixing with comics.
'Cause what you're actually doing now is a bit.
But magicians don't know when to end that bit, and comedians do.
Andrew, I'll make a little deal with you.
Yeah, what? Make the dent in my car disappear and I'll make your girl reappear.
Fair.
Now? What are you talk My car's parked out back.
It's the black Lamborghini with the fucked-up door, in case you forgot.
Excuse me, you know where the parking garage is? Yeah, you just make a right, and then another right.
Right and a right.
- Right and right.
- Right and a right.
Okay, gotcha.
Okay.
- Wayne? - Hey, Dice.
Dice, I got good news for you, man.
You know that thing you've been looking for? The piece of art? My thing? Your thing.
I found it.
My thing? - Your thing.
- My th There's nothing in here.
There never was.
Wait a minute.
Wayne! Wayne, where you going? Wait a minute.
Where where's the parking lot? You make a right, and then another right.
- A right and a right.
- A right and a right.
That's what you told me last time.
Yeah, I know.
A right and a right.
What the fuck? Ohh, ooh! What the fu Hello? What is go Wait a minute.
Where's Angel's car? You want it back, you're gonna have to split for it.
Gonna have to split for it? Dice, five-second rule! You're gonna have to split for it! Five-second rule.
W-hat? What is going on? I decided to take your advice, Dice, and work with animals.
I know you all, God bless you, believe! I ain't never been through anything like that in my life, I got to tell you.
That was crazy.
I mean, I open up my eyes, they're all laughing.
Isn't that what you devoted your life to? Standing on stage and having people laugh at you? Yeah, but while I know it.
All right, listen.
Listen, I got to tell you this, 'cause I've been thinking about it.
I-I want you to take that job.
I want you to go to work in the morning.
Thanks, Andrew.
Yeah.
Whatever you want, okay? I got you.
How was the magician? He's no magician.
He's a mindfreak.
Look, Sandro brought this by.
He found it.
I had a look, I could not - You already looked? - It's a nice piece.
But don't open it yet until I go, because, you know, it's breathtaking, and I-I just don't want to be here.
So, enjoy.
Enjoy.
Babe.
All right.
You ready? Yeah.
Go ahead.