Dice (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

The Twelve

1 Carmen, take it easy.
Our future depends on this piece of paper.
I didn't even know the fax machine was plugged in.
How does a fax not go through for 28 years? How do I know? It probably got stuck in the wires.
All I know, it's an offer.
And offers don't expire.
[CHUCKLES] Offers definitely expire.
Remember when you were playing the Tangiers and there was that Groupon? That expired.
I don't know.
I can't argue.
I don't even know what that means.
You're gonna have to get someone else to drive you tomorrow, because, honestly, I got so much shit I got to do.
Shit, shit.
Why you got to curse all the time? Okay, so you can say cunt lips, but I can't say shit? [CELLPHONE VIBRATES] Hmm.
This is weird.
It's Milkshake.
Says he wants to invite us for dinner.
Why is that weird? Well, when we're hungry, we just, like, go and eat.
We don't discuss it.
People change.
He's writing his movie now, all the time.
He's seeing the hypnotist.
So, how long does that take, an hour a week? No, he's seeing his hypnotist.
You didn't know Milkshake had a girlfriend? No.
Oh! [AUDIENCE CHANTING] Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice, Dice! Top of the world, Ma.
[IMPLOSION] [LAUGHING] What the hell is this? That's an offer.
It's time-stamped.
Who exactly are you representing here? 'Cause I was under the impression that we pay you an exorbitant rate to represent us as outside counsel on this matter.
As your outside counsel, I'm acknowledging that it's time-stamped.
Okay, let's be real clear here.
There is zero chance that you're gonna be hosting the Oscars.
I mean, Harambe the Gorilla has a better shot at hosting the Academy Awards [LAUGHS] than you do.
I'm sorry.
Are you telling him that Harambe the Gorilla is dead? That's the point.
He's saying he would put a dead gorilla on the air before he lets Andrew Dice fucking Clay open The Dolby Theatre.
All right.
Everybody take it easy.
Seriously, we did not come here to be insulted.
This is a binding document.
Time-stamped, motherfucker.
- Okay.
- Time-stamped! All these dickshots here think we have some kind of an agreement, which I seriously doubt would hold up in any court of law.
But, that being said, I have to admit, I, uh, I like you guys.
And I think I might have a solution to our mutual predicament.
What he's gonna say is that someone has dropped out of MONROE: The Musical! and there might be a role available for you.
Will you let me pitch the fucking thing? Yeah.
Go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
- What the hell is Monroe? - MONROE: The Musical is going to save this network.
The music is gonna be phenomenal.
The script was written by Gatewood and Tanaka, the toast of Broadway.
All to be performed and broadcast live from the Tropicana Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Did you see Hamilton? - No.
- All right.
You replace the diverse cast with your favorite movie wise guys.
James Woods as Monroe.
Danny Aiello as the Vice President.
We had Joey Mantegna locked in as John Quincy Adams, but he had to get out.
So, uh, if you want the role it's yours.
Three hours of prime-time television, Dice.
Starring you.
Not just three house of prime time.
Three hours of prime time, during sweeps.
This is the highest priority for this network.
Heavily promoted.
We're talking about a viewership of 12 million, minimum.
[CHUCKLES] I'm not really a song-and-dance man, Carmen.
Yeah, but it's an opportunity to do something different.
Plus, you said you wanted to do more acting.
I do want to act, but I want to do, like, a Tarantino movie.
Where Where you get to stab a guy, like, in his eye with, like, a letter opener.
Monroe? It's theater.
It's What's wrong with with that? The guys, they wear eyeliner.
When they get shot, it's not even, like, fake blood.
They pull, like, red scarves out of their shirts.
Carmen, what are my balls gonna think? Oh, so, in this scenario, your balls have brains? [SCOFFS] Well, they might not have brains, but they definitely have an opinion.
Okay, so it's not a Tarantino movie.
Maybe this isn't the role of your dreams.
But what if you can't get the role of your dreams if you don't do this first? This is a chance to be on a nationally televised show in front of, what, like ten million people? Actually, 12 million.
You can open yourself up to a whole new generation of viewers.
Show them who Dice is.
And James Woods is gonna be there.
That's pretty unbelievable.
I mean, he is a legendary guy.
Does that mean you're gonna do it? - Yeah, fuck it.
I'm doing it.
- Ah! - This is exciting! - I'm doing it! I'm doing it! But they're not from where I'm from.
They do things like, "Places, everybody.
Places!" I'll be like, "I'm over here now.
So, hello.
Like, I'm over here.
Like, I'm ready.
" Yeah, but sometimes, instead of doing the work, you spin out a little.
You invent reasons to not focus.
I'm all over it already.
Mentally, I'm already there.
Old Virginia - Virginia - You had it in ya You had it in ya Yes, I broke the mold! Cut! Cut, cut, cut.
That felt pretty good, right? Yeah.
Oh, it was good.
- Yeah, it-it's a start.
- Yeah.
But let me ask you something.
You'd think I would really be, like, a secretary? I mean, you're not a traditional secretary.
You're the Secretary of State! You really think he'd be, like, my boss? No, I'm not your boss, I'm President of the United States.
And you're John Quincy Adams, so you're part of my cabinet.
But John Quincy Adams was the President, if I'm correct? Yes, although John Quincy Adams was President during this time period, James Monroe is the President here and John Quincy Adams was the Secretary of of State.
But people tuning in, they just want to have a good time, a couple laughs, whatever, right? Yeah, that's true, but this is based on historical fact.
And that's what's so fun, I think.
It is fun.
And you're gonna kill it, okay? - Kill it.
- You're gonna kill it.
So, how about we do we do one with singing? You will kill it.
Uh, no.
I'm not, uh Sorry, Toby.
I'm, um I don't think I'm gonna sing today.
I got a, uh I want to save my voice, okay? Well, I'm gonna make camera changes and you guys - Yeah.
You change cameras.
- practice your steps, okay? Places, everybody! Places! I'm over here now! Great.
That's great.
Hey, Teller.
How you doing? What do they got? Anything good here? You know, I Listen to me.
You know, we don't really know each other well.
You know what I'm saying? I know I know the bit.
I know when you're on stage with Penn and Teller, you don't talk when you're up there.
But I come over here and I say hello, and you act like a fucking asshole? You can't wave or acknowledge? What the fuck is wrong with you guys? We're not on stage now.
Come on.
You know what, Dice? You're right.
I apologize.
That's all right.
You know what? Sometimes I snap out too quick.
That's why I get divorced all the time.
Moderately decent snacks here, you know? I'm filming next door and I just came over and helped myself.
- Oh.
- Nobody notices me.
When I'm mute, I'm invisible.
I know they're not filming anything next door.
I'm here for a meeting.
That's all I can say.
Meeting? Want me to let you in on a secret? What secret? I want to know.
Just between us? It's like we're becoming instant friends.
- Yes.
- Yeah, go ahead.
I got tapped.
What? To be one of The Vegas Twelve.
- The who? - Really? Of all people, I thought it would mean something to you.
It would if I knew what it was, you know? It's the 12 people who run Vegas.
What? You think the Mayor runs this place? The Chief of Police? The Nevada Corps of Engineers? Nope.
It's The Twelve.
We decide everything.
You? And when one of The Twelve dies, somebody else gets tapped.
This time it's me.
We're having a meeting next door.
If you tell somebody that I told you, they'll never believe you.
I'm a mute.
You know? How long has Milkshake been renting this place? You should tell him I can get him a deal.
Rent? [LAUGHING] You think he rents this? He's an owner.
Milkshake owns this place? How does he have money to own a house? It's sponge money.
He had a minor heart surgery a few years ago.
And when they sewed him up, they left this little surgical sponge in there.
He sued.
He won.
He's got sponge money.
Well, how much money is sponge money? It's not fuck-you money.
It's not scratch-off money.
- It's sponge money.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Before we go in Sometimes when we meet new people, you just start telling stories.
You don't even ask a question.
This is Milkshake's girlfriend, so ask some questions.
- I'll ask questions, all right? - Okay.
- Shake! - Hi! - Come on in.
- How you doing? - Good.
- Nice.
- Hey, buddy.
- Get over here.
[SLOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS] So, you guys went on a cruise? You go on cruises now? [LAUGHS] Yeah, and as you can see by the seal in the corner, I'm a MVB.
That stands for Most Valuable Boater.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Um can I clean some of these plates? Oh, no, no.
Just leave it for later.
- I don't - No, just leave it for later.
So, where are you from, Trudy? Sacramento.
Grew up there? You were born there? Yeah, I was.
Born and I grew up there.
Where'd you get the fish? Oh, gosh! Uh, I don't know.
Um, this is feeling like I'm on Law and Order or something like that.
No, just trying to be interesting, like, to find out things about you that I might not know.
Um, well, I do not know where the fish is from.
But I can go check.
Oh, uh, no, no, no.
We We don't care.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Trudy from Sacramento, that grew up, was born in Sacramento.
Went to school there? Why do you keep grilling me? No, I'm I'm really just No, no, I'm sorry.
This guy, he's been grilling me - No, no.
- all night long.
Why do you need to know where I went to college? You don't think I'm good enough for Ron? - No.
- You think that because I live here for free and I eat his food and use his guest bedroom as a yoga studio that I'm some kind of freeloader? Not at all.
Well, let me tell you something, I pull my weight around here, okay?! And for your information, I went to Alabama.
So Roll fucking Tide, you fucking asshole! Aah! You know what? I'm gonna help him.
So, what'd you think? She's cool.
She's hot, right? Yeah.
I always just saw you with somebody a little more simple, like a Ukrainian prostitute or like a kindergarten teacher.
You know what I mean? Yeah, me too.
But I'm really happy now, though, you know? - She's hot, right? - You already said that.
She's so hot.
I hope I don't fuck this up.
How many times has this chick hypnotized you? Why you gotta ask that? That's not cool.
That's not cool at all.
I'm gonna go cut the pie.
Yeah, you do that.
You ever been hypnotized before? Oh! No, no, no, no.
[CHUCKLES] I don't really believe in hypnotism.
But what do you use, like a teacup with a spoon? No, it's not like in the movies.
[CHUCKLES] That's what I'm saying.
I can't be hypnotized.
Oh? Yeah, because, like, I have, like, a really, like, uh Mm-hmm.
like, a big fat, like, brain.
[CHUCKLES] A big, fat brain.
That's cool.
[WOODS] I swept it! Oh, the electorate! I spanked that Rufus King! So, hey, here's the thing Anyone with knowledge of the electoral college [TOILET FLUSHES] They knew I wouldn't fold I broke the mold, yeah Oh, sorry.
Thought I was alone.
It's no big deal.
I just Yeah.
Yeah, uh Yeah.
I just can't get this guy's fucking voice out of my head.
I'm sure he's gonna get better.
Forget it.
- Wait.
What are you doing? - I'm gonna clear the table.
You're not gonna smoke? You always go smoke right after you eat.
I haven't had a cigarette since last night.
- I'm not smoking.
- That's great! No.
It's not great.
Milkshake's girlfriend did some kind of voodoo on me in the kitchen last night.
So now I can't smoke.
Andrew, I have a question.
What? Did you learn your steps for tomorrow? No.
See, Andrew, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
You find ways to distract yourself whenever you get anxious.
'Cause the whole world's going crazy right now.
I don't know.
Did you ever think that maybe the world's normal and you're the crazy one? Or maybe me and the world are going crazy.
Okay, you know what? I'm going to bed.
- You talked me into this.
- Good night.
Dice, aren't you supposed to be at rehearsal right now? Yeah, I am, but I got to talk to you.
I got to talk to you.
You really think she would hypnotize you without your consent? I think she was mad because I don't believe in it.
I think she was showing off.
That's what I think.
Trudy would never do that.
And so what if she did hypnotize you? You wanted to quit smoking anyway.
Yeah, but I want to quit the way I want to quit.
Let me ask you something.
You think maybe she did it to you? - Did what to me? - All these things you're saying.
Trudy this.
"Oh, Trudy's the love of my life.
Oh, there's nobody like Trudy.
" She did that to you.
I've been with Trudy for a while now.
You ain't been around.
You don't know how it is.
I know you.
And you know me.
Something's off.
You got a lot of nerve coming in here and accusing Trudy of these things.
Oh, hello.
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I couldn't help but overhear you guys.
I don't know what all you heard, but I don't think Dice meant anything by what he was saying.
Yeah, it's okay, baby.
It's true.
I hypnotized you.
I was trying to prove a point.
You see this? She's admitting it! I was doing something nice for you! Quitting smoking is a good thing.
- That's what I said.
- Uh-huh.
You have no right to assault my b She assaulted my brain.
She might've ruined other things.
It's not assault if it's something nice.
You've been trying to quit for years, Dice.
She helped you.
Yeah, but I got to do it the way I got to do it.
- Now put it back.
- I can't.
- I have yoga class right now.
- Put it back! Fine.
Come with me.
I don't trust her.
There you are.
Hey, uh, you're 45 minutes late.
I had to take care of something.
Okay, are you off book yet? Uh, sort of.
Did they tell you that this is airing live, during sweeps? Yeah.
Take it easy.
Okay, I just need you to be off book.
- Yeah, I know.
- Thank you.
Look, can I talk to you a minute? Okay, what? - This James Woods, great actor.
- Yeah.
I don't take nothing away from a guy when he's good, right? Mm-hmm.
But he can't fucking sing.
I mean, he's terrible.
He sounds like a cow stuck in a fence, moaning and groaning until the farmer comes and gets him out of there.
He's always claiming he has to save his voice, so I was starting to get suspicious.
It was freaking me out a little bit, 'cause I need to hear him sing.
- Listen to me.
- Yeah? I got your back.
Okay, everybody! Gather around! Hey, everybody! Oh, more theater bullshit with "gather around.
" No, it's not a theater exercise, it's Liam's birthday.
- Oh.
- Everybody, come here.
It could ruin your career and mine, you understand? - I know.
I know.
- Hey, uh, you got a minute? Yeah, sure.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Wait a minute.
Woods, aren't you gonna sing? Uh, not today.
I-I-I don't feel like it.
The man's 79 years old.
Sing "Happy Birthday.
" I got to protect my voice.
It's a man's birthday.
Protect your voice.
- Yeah, and I'm celebrating it.
- It's "Happy Birthday.
" - Will you stop already, huh? - Maybe you should stop.
Maybe you should fucking blow me! - Blow me! How does that sound? - Oh, geez.
You motherfucker.
[WOMAN] All right, uh Happy birthday to you Let me go handle this fucking guy.
Happy I don't fucking want to hear about it! Jimmy, I'm trying to talk to you here.
- [SCOFFS] Jesus.
- I'm trying to talk Jimmy, I'm talking to you! You got something to say, Dice? You're not fooling me, Jimmy.
I know you can't sing worth shit.
Singing, Dice, is not my thing, okay? I got other talents.
I can, you know, play the guitar.
I dance like the wind.
I'm hung like a fucking alpha Clydesdale.
I got all that going for me, but guess what, I cannot fucking sing.
You know, I thought they could tweak this in post or something.
Turns out, in a live show, they can't fucking tweak anything, man.
Dice, it's gonna be a disaster.
Yeah, it's gonna be a disaster.
So, why don't you just quit, for the good of the whole show? Just quit.
Well, I thought about that.
Then I'd have to give the two million dollars back to the network.
I mean, you know, so I had to make a decision.
You know what I decided? I decided fuck it.
I can't sing.
Who cares? You're getting two million bucks for this? That's why I don't want to fucking quit! Would you? Okay, there's gonna be a couple days of bad publicity.
Yeah, right.
Then it's over.
And I still have two million dollars.
Jimmy, you're gonna make us look like a bunch of idiots.
Oh! Oh, what? This is on me now?! You're the star of the show! Yes, it's on you! A fucking musical about James Monroe! This show sucked from the beginning! But it doesn't matter! That's the thing about Americans, okay? They're like fucking goldfish.
They remember nothing! You're a great actor.
What about your legacy? - My fucking legacy? - Yeah.
Name the greatest actor in the world.
Me not included.
I don't know.
Brando? Marlon Brando, there you go.
Name his last five films.
I don't know, okay? Of course, you fucking don't know! I don't know.
I know one of them.
You know what it was? The Island of Dr.
Marlon Brando strolls around a fucking tropical island with a fucking puppet on his shoulder! What happened? Nothing.
He still gets his new fucking house.
His legacy? Still intact.
He's got Streetcar.
He's got Bridge On the River Kawaii.
He's got the Godfather, with the fucking cotton balls in his mouth, making people offers they can't refuse.
And I am a legend, too.
I did The Way We Were with Barbra Streisand when she was 23 fucking years old.
I did Salvador with Oliver Stone before he was a left-wing nutcase.
Scorsese I did Casino, five fucking lines, two days.
I brought that cocksucker back from the bowels of the Bijou.
My fucking legacy? I got a legacy.
I'm a legend.
You You practice your fucking steps.
Or don't.
I don't give a fuck.
How's that? - Teller, how you doing? - Oh, hi.
You know, I know yesterday, you told me something in confidence.
- Mm.
- I need a little favor.
From you and the other 11.
I need somebody fired.
It's for the good of Vegas.
[LAUGHS] What are you laughing Why you laughing all of a sudden? I was playing with you! What do you mean, playing with me? There's no "Twelve.
" I don't get to do bits myself, you know, 'cause I don't talk onstage.
So here's my chance to do a bit.
Oh, oh, "Take me to The Twelve! Ha!" Oh, come on.
Just a bit.
You want one of these cupcakes? No? Nah.
[LAUGHS] It's just that, uh if anybody would know a bit, it's me.
You know what I mean? I do bits all the time.
I'm the fucking king of bits.
I've stood in front of 80,000 people and done bits.
I take every chance in the world.
In school, I was thrown out of every classroom 'cause of the bits I've done.
I wound up in a pool of blood one time 'cause of a bit.
So I know that yesterday was no bit.
Okay, it wasn't a bit.
Got to reward a good ear.
We're actually having a meeting tonight.
I'll see what I can do.
You're a good man.
[ENGINE STARTS] [HORN HONKS] Now, we're going to have to make this quick.
Understand, these people are thinking about water-flow systems and who's gonna be the next Ms.
So it's gonna be a short visit.
And here offer these, as a gift.
What are these, like magic donuts? [SIGHS] Give them as a sign of respect.
Remember, these are the most powerful people in Vegas.
They're not to be fucked with.
No, I know, but, like, I open the box, they don't, like, pop out or You know what I mean? Just give them the fucking donuts! - All right.
Okay, okay.
- Come on.
Donuts anybody? [WOMAN] You can set them down.
I come to you today seeking justice.
I'm doing a live play from Las Vegas.
It's called Monroe.
It's about, um you know, this, uh I'm not really sure what's it's about.
Some president.
I really, you know But there's a man in the play, he can't sing.
But he doesn't care.
He's got everybody by the balls.
He just wants his fucking money.
And you know what that does? That's gonna make Las Vegas look very bad.
Bottom line, this man needs to go.
And what is this man's name? You're not even gonna believe it when I tell you.
[VOICE BREAKING] I used to respect this man.
This man's name is James Woods.
Clay, we've taken your request under advisement, but I'm afraid your request is one we cannot grant.
Why? Because firing this man would break one of the cardinal rules of The Twelve.
And what's that? We don't move against one of our own.
What [WOODS] What? You still don't get it, Fuck-o? Huh? You think I got to go? - I - No.
Is that what you think, huh? No, friend.
It's you - It's me - Now shut the fuck up! Don't say a word.
Don't say a word.
Zip it.
You fucking do not fire me! I fire you.
I fire you-ou-ou-ou I fire you How good is this, huh? - I - Okay.
- I - Okay.
- I fire you! - Goodbye! All right! - Yeah, all right.
Fuck you, too.
- Yeah, right, all right.
Get some fucking sleeves.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE] [SIGHS] Ohhhhh Red-brained woman Oh, you move me so much Trapped in my head