Dicktown (2020) s01e01 Episode Script
The Mystery of the Controversial Cosplay
1
JOHN: All right, Zeb.
Hand it over.
ZEB: No.
But I just proved that case belongs to my client.
Did you, though? Zeb, when are you gonna cover these tubs, bro? 'Cause this water is really disgusting.
Okay, David.
Yes, I did prove it.
- The heat of the car engine - ZEB: Right, right, right.
The fact that starlings aren't native to the United States.
- The egg timer.
- ZEB: Yeah, yeah.
- We just went through this.
- I guess you got me.
Right, thank you.
Hand it over.
- Nah.
- [groans.]
Okay, David.
You're up.
Gimmie.
You touch me, you die.
Okay, Zeb.
Get ready.
I'm about to touch you.
ZEB: Oh, God! Well, Zeb, looks like you're all wet.
Oh, my God.
I fucking zinged you Super Friends style.
Let's go.
Oh, fuck you, man! I hope you get ass crabs from my stank-ass tub water! [dramatic music.]
DAVID: You know what, man? I'm offended.
JOHN: What? I was trying not to say anything, but you did it again back there.
You said my client and really you should say our client.
What? No, it's my client.
And also I don't like how you still call it Hunchman Investigations.
- Ah, ten and two, David! - That name sucks.
- It's my name.
- Well, it stinks.
What would you call it? I would call it, like, Best Friends Crime Solvers, LLC.
- [laughs.]
- That's a dope name.
All of those words are inaccurate, including LLC, by the way.
- I am incorporated.
- Oh, my God.
You sound like PBS right now.
No one gives a shit.
David, look, I'm a detective.
I've been a detective my whole life.
I know.
I've been helping you your whole life.
Helping how have you been helping me? Oh, my God! By keeping you busy and, like, drumming up business.
[school bell rings.]
And this proves that the real thief of the class hamster was David Purfoy.
- Shut up, nerd.
- [grunts.]
[school bell rings.]
And so the great bubble gum swindle could only have been pulled off by David Purfoy.
- Eat floor, narc.
- Hey! [school bell rings.]
[sighs.]
Need I point out that the only person who would bother to melt down the tae kwon do team's trophy to make it into a bong is David Purfoy? [coughing.]
- Someone else shove him.
- Hey! [school bell rings.]
You feed off me to survive.
You're like one of those little birds that lives on the back of a rhinoceros eating bugs.
You're talking about the oxpecker bird? DAVID: [laughing.]
Yeah! That's so perfect! You're the oxpecker! - I'm not the oxpecker.
- You're a little oxpecker.
No, you you're the oxpecker.
I'm the rhinoceros.
- You work for me.
- I'm the rhinoceros, man.
- You're crazy.
- How is that? - Whose car is this? - Oh.
DAVID: Whose Fiero are you sitting in? JOHN: It's your Fiero.
I can tell because you wrote your name in Wite-Out on the glove compartment.
[rock music.]
[doorbell rings.]
You knows, sometimes I think you only think of me as, like, your muscle.
Yeah, well, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, David, but that's right, you're muscle.
- Wow.
- That's what I need you for.
DAVID: Okay.
I mean, Dicktown's a rougher place.
We're not teenagers anymore.
Uh, crime-solving is completely different now.
- Did you get it? - Hi, Tucker.
Yeah, we got it.
[sniffs.]
It smells like swimmer's farts.
So what's in that case, anyway? Next week's AP History exam.
[scoffs.]
Well, I'm glad I could help further the cause of justice.
- Why did Zeb want them? - I don't know.
Some people just want to watch the world burn.
Also, he had another buyer at Small Mouth Poly Prep.
Oh, my God.
Those snobs.
We used to call them Small Dick Probably Pervs.
- Get it? - Yeah.
Anyway, Tucker, about our fee? Right.
Cash flow problem.
I gotta sell these before I can pay you.
Oh, come on, Tucker.
I gotta make house boat payments.
You haven't returned the drone I rented you.
- Well, it's in the shop.
- It's not our fault, Tucker.
Timothy tried to make love to it.
TUCKER: Who's Timothy? JOHN: My parents' labradoodle.
I told you not to tell him about that! Yeah, the best I can do right now is hook you up with another job.
A kid at school's being bullied online.
Hmm, a real person who needs actual help.
- Yes, and she can pay.
- Fine.
Forget about the drone and we're square.
- It's a deal, detectives.
- Ah, see? He said "detectives," plural.
He's talking to me like I'm just his muscle.
That's not fair.
He also needs you to drive him around because he doesn't have a license, and people actually like you.
Everyone thinks he's a weirdo 'cause he works for teenagers.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, Jesus, Tucker.
Hey, it's your brand.
Lean into it.
MONICA: I'm the president of the school cosplay club.
We specialize in gender/race-fluid cosplay from the Pre-Crisis DC Universe.
I'm writing that down to Google that later.
Don't worry, David.
I-I've got it.
Go on.
We post photos to an invite-only Instagram account, but two weeks ago, someone hacked our password and all these trolls started spamming our feed with abuse.
Uh-huh, and what did you do to provoke them? - Whoa, David.
- What? Victim-blame much? Whoa, John.
Virtue-signal much? Enough with the PBS words.
The answer is, I did provoke them.
I cosplayed as Aquaman.
I don't get it.
Everyone loves Aquaman.
Apparently this troll army feels I de-centered the white male Atlantis experience, which I totally did and they wish they could handle it.
You know, honestly, Monica, it sounds like you're on top of this.
Oh, I am.
We talked to Instagram.
They're shutting it all down, but there's a ring leader.
Oh, who's the ring leader? I'm going to assume it's a cis white male.
His handle is AltRightPepeMilkman.
Someone's leaning into his brand.
I just wanna know who he is.
I don't cosplay with a mask and I don't respect anyone who does.
Understood.
With great cosplay comes great responsibility.
We'll find this guy.
Wait, so who are you cosplayed as right now? - David! - What? She's Mon-El of Daxam.
I don't know who the fuck that is.
Superboy discovered him.
He thought he was his cousin.
I don't read comic books about Superboy and his little cousin.
He discovered him on a on a Monday, so he called him "Mon-El," but it turned out - Are you serious? - This is true.
Same powers.
Same powers.
From the Legion of Super-Heroes.
I don't know what that is, man.
Monica, we'll talk to you later.
It was really nice to meet you.
We have to go now.
Long live the legion.
Long live the legion.
Heavenly Father, please forgive these nerds.
Kryptonians are vulnerable to Kryptonite.
I don't give a shit! The Daxamites are vulnerable to lead.
DAVID: I don't care.
Let's go.
[dramatic music.]
Oh, yes.
Cyber sleuthing.
Just like the '90s promised.
I'm hunting a bully using only my wits and fast typing skills, just like a young David Strathairn in Sneakers.
Now, I've cross-referenced the frequent users of every Aquaman fan site I could find.
There are 24,000 candidates.
Seems overwhelming, right? But look what happens when I filter for those who use the words "men's" and "rights.
" - Damn it! - What? - This is too freaking hard.
- What are you doing? I'm bullying people on twitter.
com, but it's not the same because when you describe giving someone a wedgie, they think you're being sexy.
Proud White 42069? Since when has that been your Twitter handle? Since I got a code name for this sting operation.
How does this help our case, David? Okay, I wanted to see if being a total asshole would help me make friends with racists on the Internet.
What, so you think if you're obnoxious and racist enough, AltRightPepeMilkman's just gonna magically reach out to you? [phone chimes.]
Boom.
- He literally just DM'ed me.
- Wow.
"Your tweets are right.
Dicktown sucks.
Vaping rules.
Men have been pussified.
" See, he fell into my honey hate trap.
Is that what he said? Interesting.
All right, I'm gonna write him back.
"Hey, do you want to meet up and talk about Vikings and tiki torches?" Send.
David, you didn't need to send that.
Why not? We already have everything we need to track him down.
[tense music.]
Why are we staking out a vape shop? Because based on his tweets, our suspect has EKOVT.
What's that? Extensive knowledge of vaping technology.
- Exactly.
- So why this vape shop? David? Because he kept talking about Dicktown in his messages to me and anyone else would call it Richardsville, so, cogito, ergo sum, he's local.
I searched Yelp for every vape shop within a 5-mile radius.
It turns out there are 73 of them, which is a number that surprised me, frankly, but, of them all, only one has a single five-star review.
Yeah, look at this.
Look at this.
"High and Mighty Vape Shop is righteous, especially if you want a little 88 with your 420.
" - Right.
- Mm-hmm.
So, 420, it's street slang for marijuana.
Yes, I know.
And H is the eighth letter of the alphabet.
88 equals HH equals "Heil Hitler.
" Yes, and Hitler was a really famous Nazi.
I know that as well.
[in German accent.]
Und now we wait.
[giggling.]
[in German accent.]
And maybe later ve vape.
Oh oh, I see what you did there.
Wow, Dad jokes.
That's oh, God.
[tense music.]
Vape shop stakeout, we're living the dream David David, stop singing.
- Oh, my God, look.
- What? Dude, look at that guy and his stupid vest.
JOHN: Yes.
DAVID: He's like, "Oh, I'm late "for my old-timey hot air balloon ride.
It's 1844.
" He does seem surprisingly natty.
Oh, my God.
Is that Charlie? Do you know him? He graduated a couple years ago.
Huge stoner.
He used to be a sloth.
- Mm.
- Uh-huh.
- He works there? - Double hmm.
Well, I hope y'all like fancy mustard, because it is on like Grey Poupon.
[doorbell chimes.]
Charlie? You look so dapper.
[chuckles.]
Monica! - I didn't know you vaped.
- I don't.
- What you reading? - Oh, uh, nothing.
Charlie, are you AltRightPepeMilkman? Am I-I'm sorry, who? [chuckles.]
You know.
The fearless leader of the anti-black Aquawoman resistance.
Um, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.
Come on, Charlie.
We were in Godspell together.
All right, Monica! Fine! I'm done hiding! I have a right to exist! I won't be erased, the way you erased the proud white male heritage of Atlantis! Oh, Charlie.
What happened to you? Oh, I graduated.
I saw what life is really like.
[clears throat.]
There was a time in this country when a white man who didn't want to go to college would be handed a great job working in a coal mine or a fax machine factory.
That's all gone.
[grunts.]
And look at me.
Probably genius-level IQ working as the night manager at Dicktown's smallest vape shop in a Jew feminist SJW world where [grunts.]
A young white boy can go on social media and see a black woman Aquaman and learn that he might not grow up to be the hero of every single story! That's not a world I can believe in! And I will fight with everything I've got [farts.]
Oh, God! ALL: Whoa! What is that smell, dude? - Is that what I think it is? - Dude.
Fine, I'll tell you.
My mother tried to make me take my diarrhea medicine this morning.
- And? - I reject feminism.
I said no.
And? And now I have diarrhea.
Big deal.
I'm catching a different kind of vapor all of a sudden.
- Oh, snap! - Thank you.
You know I'm right, Monica.
The races are different.
The genders are different.
You're dressed as Supergirl, not Superman.
Actually, I'm dressed as Superman, who is himself cross-dressing as Supergirl.
- [groans.]
- My cosplay is the future.
Your cosplay is the past.
BOTH: Nice.
Monica, he admitted harassment.
- Want me to call 911? - No.
It's too pathetic.
Let's go.
Pathetic? You're the one who's too PC to have diarrhea! All right, good luck with your vikings and your tiki torches, ya dipshit.
Hey, wait a second.
You're Proud White 42069, aren't you? You're funny! You want to hang out? I'm not trying to hang out with the racist who can't make a proper BM.
Face it.
You're just like me.
You know the strong should dominate the weak.
I don't believe that at all, you weakling.
Hey! [doorbell chimes.]
Well, Charlie released the security footage of you shoving him.
Oh, my God.
Am I in trouble now? There's already a 10,000-word think-piece on The Atlantic about whether it's okay to bully Nazis.
You know, today's the day I really leaned into my brand.
Which is what? Muscle.
It's all I'm good at.
That's not all, David.
I mean, you're you're likable.
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna crash here tonight, dude.
What? No.
- I'm crashing here.
- Go to your parents' house.
I can't go home.
My parents are having a fondue party.
It gets too sexy.
Oh, you need to get your own place.
I know, so pay me some more money.
I'll get the AeroBed.
Hand it over.
ZEB: No.
But I just proved that case belongs to my client.
Did you, though? Zeb, when are you gonna cover these tubs, bro? 'Cause this water is really disgusting.
Okay, David.
Yes, I did prove it.
- The heat of the car engine - ZEB: Right, right, right.
The fact that starlings aren't native to the United States.
- The egg timer.
- ZEB: Yeah, yeah.
- We just went through this.
- I guess you got me.
Right, thank you.
Hand it over.
- Nah.
- [groans.]
Okay, David.
You're up.
Gimmie.
You touch me, you die.
Okay, Zeb.
Get ready.
I'm about to touch you.
ZEB: Oh, God! Well, Zeb, looks like you're all wet.
Oh, my God.
I fucking zinged you Super Friends style.
Let's go.
Oh, fuck you, man! I hope you get ass crabs from my stank-ass tub water! [dramatic music.]
DAVID: You know what, man? I'm offended.
JOHN: What? I was trying not to say anything, but you did it again back there.
You said my client and really you should say our client.
What? No, it's my client.
And also I don't like how you still call it Hunchman Investigations.
- Ah, ten and two, David! - That name sucks.
- It's my name.
- Well, it stinks.
What would you call it? I would call it, like, Best Friends Crime Solvers, LLC.
- [laughs.]
- That's a dope name.
All of those words are inaccurate, including LLC, by the way.
- I am incorporated.
- Oh, my God.
You sound like PBS right now.
No one gives a shit.
David, look, I'm a detective.
I've been a detective my whole life.
I know.
I've been helping you your whole life.
Helping how have you been helping me? Oh, my God! By keeping you busy and, like, drumming up business.
[school bell rings.]
And this proves that the real thief of the class hamster was David Purfoy.
- Shut up, nerd.
- [grunts.]
[school bell rings.]
And so the great bubble gum swindle could only have been pulled off by David Purfoy.
- Eat floor, narc.
- Hey! [school bell rings.]
[sighs.]
Need I point out that the only person who would bother to melt down the tae kwon do team's trophy to make it into a bong is David Purfoy? [coughing.]
- Someone else shove him.
- Hey! [school bell rings.]
You feed off me to survive.
You're like one of those little birds that lives on the back of a rhinoceros eating bugs.
You're talking about the oxpecker bird? DAVID: [laughing.]
Yeah! That's so perfect! You're the oxpecker! - I'm not the oxpecker.
- You're a little oxpecker.
No, you you're the oxpecker.
I'm the rhinoceros.
- You work for me.
- I'm the rhinoceros, man.
- You're crazy.
- How is that? - Whose car is this? - Oh.
DAVID: Whose Fiero are you sitting in? JOHN: It's your Fiero.
I can tell because you wrote your name in Wite-Out on the glove compartment.
[rock music.]
[doorbell rings.]
You knows, sometimes I think you only think of me as, like, your muscle.
Yeah, well, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, David, but that's right, you're muscle.
- Wow.
- That's what I need you for.
DAVID: Okay.
I mean, Dicktown's a rougher place.
We're not teenagers anymore.
Uh, crime-solving is completely different now.
- Did you get it? - Hi, Tucker.
Yeah, we got it.
[sniffs.]
It smells like swimmer's farts.
So what's in that case, anyway? Next week's AP History exam.
[scoffs.]
Well, I'm glad I could help further the cause of justice.
- Why did Zeb want them? - I don't know.
Some people just want to watch the world burn.
Also, he had another buyer at Small Mouth Poly Prep.
Oh, my God.
Those snobs.
We used to call them Small Dick Probably Pervs.
- Get it? - Yeah.
Anyway, Tucker, about our fee? Right.
Cash flow problem.
I gotta sell these before I can pay you.
Oh, come on, Tucker.
I gotta make house boat payments.
You haven't returned the drone I rented you.
- Well, it's in the shop.
- It's not our fault, Tucker.
Timothy tried to make love to it.
TUCKER: Who's Timothy? JOHN: My parents' labradoodle.
I told you not to tell him about that! Yeah, the best I can do right now is hook you up with another job.
A kid at school's being bullied online.
Hmm, a real person who needs actual help.
- Yes, and she can pay.
- Fine.
Forget about the drone and we're square.
- It's a deal, detectives.
- Ah, see? He said "detectives," plural.
He's talking to me like I'm just his muscle.
That's not fair.
He also needs you to drive him around because he doesn't have a license, and people actually like you.
Everyone thinks he's a weirdo 'cause he works for teenagers.
- [laughs.]
- Oh, Jesus, Tucker.
Hey, it's your brand.
Lean into it.
MONICA: I'm the president of the school cosplay club.
We specialize in gender/race-fluid cosplay from the Pre-Crisis DC Universe.
I'm writing that down to Google that later.
Don't worry, David.
I-I've got it.
Go on.
We post photos to an invite-only Instagram account, but two weeks ago, someone hacked our password and all these trolls started spamming our feed with abuse.
Uh-huh, and what did you do to provoke them? - Whoa, David.
- What? Victim-blame much? Whoa, John.
Virtue-signal much? Enough with the PBS words.
The answer is, I did provoke them.
I cosplayed as Aquaman.
I don't get it.
Everyone loves Aquaman.
Apparently this troll army feels I de-centered the white male Atlantis experience, which I totally did and they wish they could handle it.
You know, honestly, Monica, it sounds like you're on top of this.
Oh, I am.
We talked to Instagram.
They're shutting it all down, but there's a ring leader.
Oh, who's the ring leader? I'm going to assume it's a cis white male.
His handle is AltRightPepeMilkman.
Someone's leaning into his brand.
I just wanna know who he is.
I don't cosplay with a mask and I don't respect anyone who does.
Understood.
With great cosplay comes great responsibility.
We'll find this guy.
Wait, so who are you cosplayed as right now? - David! - What? She's Mon-El of Daxam.
I don't know who the fuck that is.
Superboy discovered him.
He thought he was his cousin.
I don't read comic books about Superboy and his little cousin.
He discovered him on a on a Monday, so he called him "Mon-El," but it turned out - Are you serious? - This is true.
Same powers.
Same powers.
From the Legion of Super-Heroes.
I don't know what that is, man.
Monica, we'll talk to you later.
It was really nice to meet you.
We have to go now.
Long live the legion.
Long live the legion.
Heavenly Father, please forgive these nerds.
Kryptonians are vulnerable to Kryptonite.
I don't give a shit! The Daxamites are vulnerable to lead.
DAVID: I don't care.
Let's go.
[dramatic music.]
Oh, yes.
Cyber sleuthing.
Just like the '90s promised.
I'm hunting a bully using only my wits and fast typing skills, just like a young David Strathairn in Sneakers.
Now, I've cross-referenced the frequent users of every Aquaman fan site I could find.
There are 24,000 candidates.
Seems overwhelming, right? But look what happens when I filter for those who use the words "men's" and "rights.
" - Damn it! - What? - This is too freaking hard.
- What are you doing? I'm bullying people on twitter.
com, but it's not the same because when you describe giving someone a wedgie, they think you're being sexy.
Proud White 42069? Since when has that been your Twitter handle? Since I got a code name for this sting operation.
How does this help our case, David? Okay, I wanted to see if being a total asshole would help me make friends with racists on the Internet.
What, so you think if you're obnoxious and racist enough, AltRightPepeMilkman's just gonna magically reach out to you? [phone chimes.]
Boom.
- He literally just DM'ed me.
- Wow.
"Your tweets are right.
Dicktown sucks.
Vaping rules.
Men have been pussified.
" See, he fell into my honey hate trap.
Is that what he said? Interesting.
All right, I'm gonna write him back.
"Hey, do you want to meet up and talk about Vikings and tiki torches?" Send.
David, you didn't need to send that.
Why not? We already have everything we need to track him down.
[tense music.]
Why are we staking out a vape shop? Because based on his tweets, our suspect has EKOVT.
What's that? Extensive knowledge of vaping technology.
- Exactly.
- So why this vape shop? David? Because he kept talking about Dicktown in his messages to me and anyone else would call it Richardsville, so, cogito, ergo sum, he's local.
I searched Yelp for every vape shop within a 5-mile radius.
It turns out there are 73 of them, which is a number that surprised me, frankly, but, of them all, only one has a single five-star review.
Yeah, look at this.
Look at this.
"High and Mighty Vape Shop is righteous, especially if you want a little 88 with your 420.
" - Right.
- Mm-hmm.
So, 420, it's street slang for marijuana.
Yes, I know.
And H is the eighth letter of the alphabet.
88 equals HH equals "Heil Hitler.
" Yes, and Hitler was a really famous Nazi.
I know that as well.
[in German accent.]
Und now we wait.
[giggling.]
[in German accent.]
And maybe later ve vape.
Oh oh, I see what you did there.
Wow, Dad jokes.
That's oh, God.
[tense music.]
Vape shop stakeout, we're living the dream David David, stop singing.
- Oh, my God, look.
- What? Dude, look at that guy and his stupid vest.
JOHN: Yes.
DAVID: He's like, "Oh, I'm late "for my old-timey hot air balloon ride.
It's 1844.
" He does seem surprisingly natty.
Oh, my God.
Is that Charlie? Do you know him? He graduated a couple years ago.
Huge stoner.
He used to be a sloth.
- Mm.
- Uh-huh.
- He works there? - Double hmm.
Well, I hope y'all like fancy mustard, because it is on like Grey Poupon.
[doorbell chimes.]
Charlie? You look so dapper.
[chuckles.]
Monica! - I didn't know you vaped.
- I don't.
- What you reading? - Oh, uh, nothing.
Charlie, are you AltRightPepeMilkman? Am I-I'm sorry, who? [chuckles.]
You know.
The fearless leader of the anti-black Aquawoman resistance.
Um, I'm afraid I don't know what you mean.
Come on, Charlie.
We were in Godspell together.
All right, Monica! Fine! I'm done hiding! I have a right to exist! I won't be erased, the way you erased the proud white male heritage of Atlantis! Oh, Charlie.
What happened to you? Oh, I graduated.
I saw what life is really like.
[clears throat.]
There was a time in this country when a white man who didn't want to go to college would be handed a great job working in a coal mine or a fax machine factory.
That's all gone.
[grunts.]
And look at me.
Probably genius-level IQ working as the night manager at Dicktown's smallest vape shop in a Jew feminist SJW world where [grunts.]
A young white boy can go on social media and see a black woman Aquaman and learn that he might not grow up to be the hero of every single story! That's not a world I can believe in! And I will fight with everything I've got [farts.]
Oh, God! ALL: Whoa! What is that smell, dude? - Is that what I think it is? - Dude.
Fine, I'll tell you.
My mother tried to make me take my diarrhea medicine this morning.
- And? - I reject feminism.
I said no.
And? And now I have diarrhea.
Big deal.
I'm catching a different kind of vapor all of a sudden.
- Oh, snap! - Thank you.
You know I'm right, Monica.
The races are different.
The genders are different.
You're dressed as Supergirl, not Superman.
Actually, I'm dressed as Superman, who is himself cross-dressing as Supergirl.
- [groans.]
- My cosplay is the future.
Your cosplay is the past.
BOTH: Nice.
Monica, he admitted harassment.
- Want me to call 911? - No.
It's too pathetic.
Let's go.
Pathetic? You're the one who's too PC to have diarrhea! All right, good luck with your vikings and your tiki torches, ya dipshit.
Hey, wait a second.
You're Proud White 42069, aren't you? You're funny! You want to hang out? I'm not trying to hang out with the racist who can't make a proper BM.
Face it.
You're just like me.
You know the strong should dominate the weak.
I don't believe that at all, you weakling.
Hey! [doorbell chimes.]
Well, Charlie released the security footage of you shoving him.
Oh, my God.
Am I in trouble now? There's already a 10,000-word think-piece on The Atlantic about whether it's okay to bully Nazis.
You know, today's the day I really leaned into my brand.
Which is what? Muscle.
It's all I'm good at.
That's not all, David.
I mean, you're you're likable.
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna crash here tonight, dude.
What? No.
- I'm crashing here.
- Go to your parents' house.
I can't go home.
My parents are having a fondue party.
It gets too sexy.
Oh, you need to get your own place.
I know, so pay me some more money.
I'll get the AeroBed.