Dicktown (2020) s02e07 Episode Script

The Mystery of the Golden Lungs

You're being paranoid.
- She's not out there.
- Fine.
Weren't you leaving at 8:00 to meet Taggy? No, David wants us to be late.
According to Dr.
Marjorie Frost, - "Punctuality is for 'leaf-eaters.
' " - Leaf-eaters? You know, leaf-eaters.
Iguanodons? Dryosaurs? Oh, the favored prey of the pterodactyl, - I get it.
- Please don't get it.
It's stupid.
Listen, Heather, thank you again - for letting me crash on your couch.
- It's okay.
For now.
But why don't you stay with your dad? Are you kidding? That's the first place Kaydee Festermeyer would look.
As long as she's out there, - I'm not safe.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Look, my family moved away before all this Kaydee Festermeyer drama.
What happened exactly? Well, she stole the Golden Lungs Trophy and I proved she did it.
And then she left school.
That's what David says, anyway.
I actually can't remember any of it.
- It's strange.
- A-ha.
Wait, do you still do your mind palace? Well, yes, of course.
Let me check again.
This is it.
Richardsville High School, tenth grade.
- June.
- Ugh, please don't do the voice.
All right, all right.
The Golden Lungs Trophy.
Awarded to the high school tobacco club who submits the smoothest - smoke at the state fair.
- Wait a minute, didn't David say you found it in Kaydee's locker? Why don't you check there? But which one is Kaydee's locker? Wait.
Her pet raccoon.
Ah! I have arrived.
I have arrived! Late on purpose to dominate you leaf-eaters.
Shut up, David! He was inside his mind palace.
You might have broken his brain.
Ooh, I'm sorry, buddy.
Are you a vegetable now? No, no, I'm fine.
It's just I I had just opened the locker door What? Oh.
This is the actual memory.
There's our boy detective.
Let's pick up where we left off, okay? - Run, run, run! - Oh, no, is that a fire? Now I remember.
It was the first time Dana Singh had profiled me.
I had spent the morning going over the mystery of the missing hockey cards, and she loved it.
But then after lunch, there was a fire alarm.
- Was it a scheduled drill? - No, not scheduled.
Someone pulled it.
And when we came back, the Golden Lungs were gone.
Naturally, the school turned to me to crack the case.
Everyone who had left the building had come back.
The Golden Lungs had to be nearby.
And whoever pulled the fire alarm was the thief.
Smell is one of the most important tools a detective has, but you don't see it on TV very often.
Will all the girls line up, please? I need to smell your fingers.
You see, in tenth grade, the girls were all into this scented lip gloss.
But there was a heatwave that June.
The lip gloss was always melting, so they had to smear it on with their fingers.
It was all over their hands.
I don't think we can use this.
But only one person that day was wearing the distinct odor of Vick's VapoRub? Fudge off, Hunchman.
I like the way it tastes.
Assistant Principle Suggs, can you please tell me which locker belongs to this person? Mr.
Suggs was the cool teacher.
He was really into ska music and he gave girls massages.
- He called them mas-ska-ges.
- I'm innocent.
Sure, I pulled the fire alarm.
For funsies.
But I didn't steal no trophy.
Ooh, I can't wait till that raccoon jumps out and murders that nerd.
Huh? - Dude.
- Hey, it' s the trophy.
It's easy.
If you just follow the clues, - you always get it right.
- Way to go, nerd.
You cracked the case! Way to go.
Where's my raccoon, Hunchman? Where the fudge is Ripper? So that's the story, Taggy.
I mean, even Heather agreed, the evidence against her was clear.
All right, so Kaydee's back in town and hungry for vengeance? - I love it! - I don't love it.
What am I gonna do about this? - Well, you know what I'd do, trap her.
- Entrap her? - Like, tricking her into trespassing? - No.
No, no, no, no.
Trap her.
In a trap.
Scooby-Doo style, right? With a net and a rope and a pulley and whatnot.
- You've seen the show.
- Oh, wait.
- Are you serious? - Course I am.
Listen, guys, you lure her somewhere, you trap her, and then you turn her over to Lake Patrol for arson.
I have to admit it's intriguing.
- What? - But I think we'd need - more than one pulley.
- All right, hold on one sec.
Uh, Jeanette, how many pulleys do we have in the shit-n-stuff closet? Uh, I don't know about this, dude.
But we need bait.
Something to lure her in.
What? Seriously? 36 pulleys? - That's amazing.
- Oh, yes.
She still follows me on LoveSwipe.
I can DM - No.
- Yeah, no I'll say, "I finally know what I 'did, ' and I'm ready to take my lumps.
" - No! - I'm making myself human bait.
- No! - For irony's sake, I'll invite her back to where we had our first date, the old doll factory.
- No! - And then, we trap her.
Uh, no.
You are not going to trap her.
But look at all the stuff we got.
If I mean, if you don't like the trap plan, why did you even come? Because you cannot legally drop a bowling ball out of a fiery bird cage onto someone's head, and then see-saw launch them into a net.
All right, slow your roll, Lake Patrol.
You forgot that the net, uh, it's suspended over a kiddie pool that's filled with Canada Dry, and that means it's international waters.
You will all be arrested.
Thank you.
That's what I've been saying.
I don't want to get arrested over this bullshit.
Hunch, just go in and talk to her like a human being.
If she tries anything, I have your back.
- Me too.
- Okay, fine.
- Oof! - I it's almost time to meet her, anyway.
Let's go into the abandoned doll factory.
What? It's my boot stick.
John, it's really creepy in this abandoned doll factory.
David, David, David.
Wh what's that up ahead? Holy shit.
Egg salad sammies.
- No.
Taggy, no! - Taggy! Ahh! Ahh! Ah, my boot stick! It's a trap! Run, John! Heather! David, don't move.
It's the only way to stay safe.
- Whoa! Oh, oh, oh.
What kind of hair is in this pit? - Doll hair.
- Yep! Genuine vintage Lettuce Head doll hair.
My mama used to glue that hair onto those dolls strand by strand.
Then they sold the Lettuce Head brand to Big Toyco and closed this factory.
Ah, ah.
Be careful.
- Kaydee, I know what I did.
- Ha! Fudging finally.
What I did was, I proved you were guilty.
- I saw it all in my mind palace.
- Mind palace? You fudging twerp.
You know what I remember? In my plain old brain? Telling the truth.
I didn't steal that trophy.
- And then I remembered getting expelled.
- Whoa, expelled? We thought you were just, like, suspended or something.
- You thought wrong.
- Ah! I put the past behind me.
Till I came back for Mama's funeral, and saw that John Hunchman was still in Dicktown, still smiling for the camera.
- So you stuck around to ruin my life.
- Yep.
Just like you ruined mine.
But you know what? I can't do it.
Look at you, you're broke, fat, and old.
Now you're trapped in a pit full of hair.
How could I make your life any worse? I don't know.
Maybe set my houseboat on fire? - What? I didn't do that.
- Are you kidding? You're trying to burn us alive right now! You big baby.
That old hair is 100% asbestos.
- Oh.
- Phew.
Ah, what the hell.
Come on, Hunchman.
Give me a big, old "I'm sorry," - and I'll let you out.
- What? No, I'm not sorry.
- Oh, dude, what the fuck? - I do not apologize! Okay.
Have fun in your pit! - Ugh, push, push - All right.
- Push me up, push me up.
- Oh, my God, I'm trying.
- Well, try a little harder, stupid.
- Hey! What? How am I stupid? We could both be out of here if you had just apologized.
- Why would I do that? - Kaydee had it rough.
- Even if you still think she stole that trophy - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- She did steal that trophy.
- Okay, but you did basically get her expelled and mess up her life.
No, no, she made a bunch of bad decisions - that I had nothing to do with.
- I think she's innocent.
Ha! Then you're even stupider than I thought - when I called you stupid.
- Excuse me.
You think I'm stupid? Well, what would you call someone who lives in his parents' basement, who takes life advice from a random stranger on YouTube? You know, you always think you're right, but you're the reason we're stuck in this hair pit, stupid.
Fine, you know what? Maybe I am stupid.
I mean, I've been trying to pull you out of the metaphorical - hair pit of your life for five years.
- Wow.
You know, hiring you out of pity maybe was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Ah! Okay, you know what? Dr.
Marjorie Frost? The random stranger on YouTube who gives me life advice - All right.
- Who is also a tenured professor, which means it's impossible for her to be stupid? - Okay.
- She said something once, and she's right.
"Don't waste time with leaf-eating losers.
Soar over them on your mighty, leathery wings.
" Goodbye, stupid.
- Argh.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Free! - Okay, great, thank heavens.
Now, let me out.
No, I'm gonna go find Taggy and Heather.
I I'm up here, guys.
Just chillin' in this trap.
David! Wait I, uh I didn't mean what I said just then.
- You really didn't? - Uh, heat of the moment.
- Okay, you promise? - Come on.
Please? Okay, fine.
Give me your hand.
You really do think I'm stupid.
Fuck you, John.
You're fired.
Fired? You can't fire me.
I'm the boss.
I'm in charge.
I am in charge!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode