Die Hart (2020) s03e01 Episode Script

1
OLD MAN: I reckon I've walked
this dirt my entire life.
[ROOSTER CROWING]
Man sure sees a lot
when he walks the dirt.
Peaches. Apples.
Cotton.
Pecans. Onions.
Once saw a chicken that had three feet.
Even got its photo in the Daily Gazette.
People called that chicken a miracle.
[STIRRING MUSIC]
I don't know about that.
But in my life, I am certain
that I've only witnessed one miracle.
My name is George Washington Carver,
and this is the story of my miracle.
[LAUGHTER]
VOICE: Oh, my God!
[LAUGHTER]
KEVIN [ONSCREEN]: This
is the story of a man
Kev, relax, it's going great, man.
Man
VOICE: What is this shit?!
KEVIN: You understand
what's happening right now?
This is the most important
movie in my career,
and it's about to be
in over 4,000 theaters,
and they're laughing at me.
I mean, that opening is kind of funny.
What the fuck did you just say?
- No, not
- What just What the fuck do you mean?
Not not "funny" funny.
Funny as in uncanny.
Your portrayal is uncanny, and, uh
truthfully, I'm allergic
to peanuts, anyway,
so I'm not even qualified
to comment on the film.
I'm trying my best to be a grounded,
down-to-earth guy.
Y'all gotta clean that
up. Here's my thing.
- I feel like I got it coming.
- Sorry.
- They're gonna ruin me.
- I know you've turned this corner
in your career and you want to
focus on more dramatic roles, but
- Kenny, I swear to God.
- [PHONE VIBRATING]
If this is one of your
"stay in your lane"
motivational speeches,
I'm gonna punch you.
- Kevin, look
- I'm gonna fucking punch you!
- Calm down, all right?
- Yeah.
You said you wanted to be
the world's biggest standup.
You did it.
You wanted to be the
world's biggest action star.
Guess what, Kevin? You did it.
You've climbed the mountain.
Man, hell, you are the mountain.
Yeah, but I want critical success.
You ain't never cared what
the critics have said before.
Well, this time it's different.
I don't care about the box office, man.
I just want people to
take me more seriously.
KENNY: Look, you are Kevin Hart.
You're not Daniel
Day-Lewis or Cate Blanchett.
Damn sure ain't Jillian Jones.
Why can't I be one of them?
I I don't want to answer that
because I don't want you to fire me.
[PHONE VIBRATING]
Ah, shit, I gotta take this.
Sorry, man. Yeah?
Yo, DJ! What up, my dude?
Man, I ain't doin' nothin',
man, just leavin' this movie
Ahh, it was aight, man,
it was funny as hell.
Fire third course table nine!
First course table sixteen!
Second course table twenty,
and I want parmesan
tuile intact this time!
Yes, chef!
[SIGHING]
You know, I hear ya, Kev.
It's hard to get people
to change their perception
of who they think you are.
I'm sorry. Maybe we should
step outside for a minute,
- take five or something?
- Eh, I can't.
I'm researching a role for my next film.
Line cooks don't get to take
five when shit hits the fan.
CHEF: Eighty-six the langoustine!
Yes, chef!
Okay, but I'll go for it.
Um, okay, so look. You're Jillian Jones.
- Right.
- You've already got gold hardware
- on your mantel.
- Mm, thank you.
I still got to prove myself.
I'm on my third dramatic role,
and I gotta be honest,
each role has bombed
significantly worse than the one before.
I know.
Well, it's getting humiliating.
[SIGHING] Well
- corner!
- I mean
- all right, we're walking now.
- Careful, hot veg!
Okay, I think right now it's
probably more about me just
I want my career and my roles
to provide a deeper meaning.
Right now, I don't feel
like that's happening,
because everybody wants
me to be the funny guy.
Or they want me to be the action guy.
And I feel like I'm being pigeonholed.
Mm. Tell me about it.
For years, I've wanted
to get into directing.
But you're not a director.
You're an amazing actor,
but you're not a director
- oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.
That's how it feels, right there.
Damn it, Kevin.
I have been wanting to get
into directing my whole life.
But you and everybody else
just sees me as this incredible,
award-winning, shape-shifting actress
that's played everybody from
Coco Chanel to Winston Churchill.
You played Churchill?
Have I played Churchill?
[DEEP VOICE, BRITISH ACCENT] The
price of greatness is responsibility.
- It's like he's here.
- He was.
[GULP] And now he's gone.
- Wow!
- Yeah.
Pretty amazing, right?
Not to me.
Oh, um
Every director just
uses me like a puppet.
- Oh my God.
- It is exhausting.
I would give anything to
feel that level of exhaustion.
Anything.
Trust me, Kevin, you do not want to be
- a dramatic actor.
- No
- Behind!
- Yes, chef!
Behind. Listen, I'm
not getting any younger.
Right now, I'm thinking more
about my life, my career.
How will Kevin Hart be remembered?
Gran Coramino tequila. Tequila.
Don't do that please. I don't like that.
- Please.
- Okay.
I want them to think
that I'm a great actor.
[SOFT CHUCKLE, SIGH]
JILLIAN: So, you want
approval from other people?
I want approval from myself.
[LAUGHING]
It's kind of pathetic, huh?
Yes, it is.
- Aww shit!
- What the fuck?!
Ahh, it's a gusher. Oh my God, Jillian!
Your fucking finger!
You lost your fucking finger.
I feel like we should
call somebody maybe.
- You want help?
- Don't draw too much attention.
- You're bleeding.
- Am I? Am I bleeding?
This will do in a pinch.
[GROANING]
I don't feel like that's good.
I'm a line cook. You
can't just call your mommy
to take you to urgent care.
You gotta just use what you got.
Oh, Kevin.
There is a director.
Jackson Pepper.
He's got the Midas touch.
Everyone he works with goes
home with a little golden statue.
Okay, look, I'm gonna
be honest with you.
That's why I came here today.
Jillian, please help me.
I would kill
to be in a Jackson Pepper movie.
I'm gonna tell you something, Kevin.
I
became a Best Actress winner
in a Jackson Pepper film.
And it nearly killed me.
And I'm not talking about down here,
I'm talking about up here.
He demands total commitment.
The likes of which I don't think
you can possibly comprehend.
Jillian I look,
I will plumb the depths of my soul,
and I will feed it to him myself.
That's how bad I want this.
Okay, Kevin.
I'll call him.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[OPERA PLAYING DISTANTLY]
That's a big ass spear.
- It's not a spear.
- What the fuck is goin' hey!
It's a Venetian Fauchard
from the set of "Roman Inferno."
Yeah, well, it's a nice
it's a real nice, umm
- Venetian Fauchard.
- Mm-hmm.
How about that movie?
It's an all-timer.
Really is. Gene Hackman is transcendent.
Gene wore this very armor,
wielded this very Fauchard,
in the killing sequence
atop the Spanish Steps.
Powerful. So powerful.
[CLEARS THROAT]
"I have stared into the eyes
of a man taking his last breath.
- I take no solace here."
- [DISTANT SOUNDS OF BATTLE]
"For it is not my
right to take his life,
but it is a necessity to defend my own."
- [BATTLE-CRIES]
- [HORSE NEIGHS]
- This is the scythe
- Mm-hmm?
Robert Redford gave to Meryl Streep
to mow the hay field in
"The Pony Rides West."
[GASPING]
Go ahead. Touch it.
I I gotta touch that.
Mm-hmm.
Whoa, look at the grip.
Careful.
It's sharp. That's real sharp.
- You can kill somebody with this.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Head off. [CHUCKLING]
Touch whatever you want, by the way.
Wow.
Yes, Dustin Hoffman used that
in "Simple Beast."
Sixty-two takes in the hospital scene
using this very rag
to clean his leaking rectum.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.
That's gross.
[CHUCKLING]
You find an actor fully
committing to his character
to be gross, Kevin?
No, what you're saying
what you just said,
that's beautiful.
That's like that in fact, now?
I'mma touch it some more.
Yeah, all right, I'm in there.
I mean, this is
a little bit of Hoffman ass.
- I like it.
- I'm hungry, let's eat.
[GAGGING]
I hope you don't mind
the microwaveable meal.
I sent the staff home early.
Um it's okay. It's nice and hot.
Frozen lasagna must be overcooked
in order to melt the cheese thoroughly.
Unfortunately
that does render the
lasagna a bit too hot.
I suggest we wait a moment.
Thank you, that's
that's great advice.
So Mr. Pepper
would you like to discuss why I'm here?
For the same reason every
actor comes to visit me.
You want a shelf full
of golden hardware.
Oh, yeah I mean no.
No, and I'm quite sure people come
to visit you to spend time with you.
Right? And eat some
of this amazing lasagna
that you're making me wait for.
[CHUCKLING]
PEPPER: I saw your
film, "The Peanut Man."
- Well, it's actually called
- It made me grateful
watching it
grateful that George Washington Carver
was not alive to see his
brilliant legacy defecated upon
by such a shallow, phony performance.
[GULP]
Acting is not a Wikipedia
summary read from afar.
Do you see that photo?
Paul Newman.
That's from "The Garbage Man," right?
That was taken the night he won
Best Actor for "The Garbage Man."
You know, I thought he
was really a garbage man.
He spent three years prior to production
not working as an actor
but as an actual garbage man
for the Department of Sanitation
in Toms River, New Jersey.
Jesus.
Cry.
Excuse me?
You heard me, cry. Right now.
Like, what kind of cry?
Like a like a Denzel cry?
you want, like, a Whoopi Goldberg cry?
And action.
[CLANG]
[STRAINING]
[STRAINING]
[GROANING]
No, stop, stop.
[SIGHING]
Kevin, if you want to
attend an awards show,
I suggest you apply
for a job as an usher.
Okay look. I I get it, all right?
People come here, they
supposed to fear you.
I'm I'm supposed to bow down to you
or some shit like that.
I understand. I'm an actor.
I am a serious actor.
And I'm looking for a serious role.
Okay? I'm willing to do anything.
If I've got to gain 50 pounds.
If I've got to learn
how to play the cello.
I just need someone
to give me a chance
to show I can be dramatic.
Wow.
That's the most interesting
thing you've said all night.
I believe the lasagna has
reached the ideal temperature.
Kevin, my next role
is not for the faint of heart.
It's a fugitive running
from a murder scene.
That's what the fuck I'm talking about.
Like, I can I can sink my
teeth into something like that.
Perhaps you could.
With the right life
experience, of course.
Oh, I got I got life experience.
I did time.
Like a mistaken identity
situation, right?
Basically they said it
was me, but it wasn't me.
I still had to go though.
I met some bad guys in there though.
Real bad guys.
I'm quite sure if I talk to
them, I could get some details
on some murder stories.
Get them to kind of
explain it, you know.
[CHUCKLING]
How committed are you
to this role, Kevin?
Are you a little committed?
Or a lot?
Or all the fucking way?
What? I'm your guy.
Okay? I promise, man, I'm locked in.
[CHUCKLING]
Good.
Kill me.
Excuse me?
There's no shortage of
weapons here in my trophy room.
Choose one and kill me.
The scythe is a nice option.
You could slice open my gut.
[ANXIOUS CHUCKLING]
Why would I do that?
You wouldn't be able
to digest your lasagna.
Come on, man, let's
eat. Before it gets cold.
You said it's at
temperature. You said that.
Making jokes, of course.
How could someone like
you ever understand
the role of a fugitive murderer?
Wha
[GROANING]
look, what do you mean,
"How can I understand?"
'Cause I'mma lock in, I'mma study.
Oh, like you studied
George Washington Carver?
I'll study a little harder.
I'll go and watch, like, you know,
a bunch of documentaries
on murder and stuff.
Oh.
You don't understand, Kevin.
Your research has already begun.
Your prints are all over my house
including most of the
weapons in this room.
I've called in an anonymous tip,
and the authorities
will be arriving soon.
Arriving for what?
I haven't done anything.
[SOFT CHUCKLE]
Kevin.
Oh, poor, sweet Kevin.
What're you doin'?
You've done the unimaginable.
What oh!
Help! Help!
- Hey, man, get the fuck
- Help!
Oh, shit!
Hey, stop, man! What
the fuck you doing?!
Hey! Stop, man!
- Kevin Hart is attacking me! Help!
- Ain't nobody attacking you!
- Kevin, why are you doing this?!
- Why you gotta be so specific?!
- What you doing?!
- Kevin, no!
- No!
- He's trying to kill me
because I wouldn't give him a part!
Oh, shit!
- Stop, man!
- Help!
Get the fuck off of me!
[WET THUD]
Oh, my fucking God.
[SIGHING]
Shit! Fuck!
["NO REGRETS" BY LITTLE
WILLIE JOHN PLAYING]
No regrets, no regrets ♪
- I'm living the life of a king ♪
- I've no regrets ♪
I've been a lot of
places, oh yeah ♪