Difficult People (2015) s02e01 Episode Script
Unplugged
1 (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC) So this is what a gym looks like.
Yes, and this is right near my apartment.
Can you believe it? Honestly, if instead of showers, they had the Hemsworth brothers just spitting at you and calling you a dirty whore, itâd be too good to be true.
How many gyms have you belonged to at this point? Iâve lost count.
You know, I get a membership, and then I hook up with a guy in the steam room, and then we hang out, and then I realize that heâs lame, and I ghost him, and itâs too awkward to ever go back.
Those loser guys are keeping you from your optimal health.
Well, some might say itâs my penchant for anonymous sex that is to blame.
I just worry that my slutty phase has gone on so long that I literally donât know how to date.
- Mm.
- Do you think Anne Hathaway has this same conversation? You know, I have a theory that she was born without a clitoris.
Mm.
That explains "The Intern.
" - Julie? Hi! - Ooh, hey, hi, Heather.
Isnât this gym awesome? Um, Billy, do you remember Heather? - Sheâs another recapper.
- Oh, okay.
Not anymore.
Guess who just got hired onto the writing staff of "Horse.
" Oh, "Horse.
" Is that that Netflix show about the single mom who sells heroin To support her trans-childâs horseback riding hobby? - Well - Yeah.
Winner Best Comedy two years in a row.
When did comedies become 30-minute dramas? - Itâs such important work.
- Mm.
I canât tell you how good it feels to write TV instead of just recapping it.
And yet you just sort of did.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Howâd you get the job? Oh, I met the creator, Lilith Feigenbaum, at synagogue, and she invited me to join this group she belongs to, and the rest is herstory.
- Well, take care.
- Thanks.
Bye.
Oh, and your "OC Reunion" recap was such goofy fun! Bye! Jesus Christ, Iâm having feelings.
- I want my sundae back.
- Sorry, maâam, I threw it out.
What is this, a concentration camp? Do you at least have any vending machines or some complimentary popcorn? Just a vegan smoothie bar.
Bloom is off the rose on this dump.
I donât understand.
What does Heather have that you donât? A connection to Lilith Feigenbaum.
Of course they met at synagogue.
You know that that group sheâs talking about is Refutz.
Refutz.
They act like itâs a secret.
Meanwhile everyone knows what it is.
And they have their schmoozey Shabbat dinners, and they all get each other entertainment jobs.
And itâs stupid because no oneâs ever asked me to join.
Well, we have to get you invited, then.
Go to synagogue.
Pray or whatever.
Using God and religion to get a staffing job? I mean, can I really sink that low? (BOTH LAUGH) All right, look, Iâm gonna go work out.
Tell me not to blow this gym by blowing any members.
You can do it.
Tell me me not to eat my weight in Charleston Chews.
You can do it.
(ROMANTIC FLUTE MUSIC) Oh, fuck.
Ohh, fuck.
Oh.
(MOANS) (MOANS) (CHUCKLES) (DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC) - Oh.
- Hey.
- We meet again.
- Iâm Billy.
- And my nameâs Cecil.
- That was fun.
You know, Iâd love to, uh, go for another spin sometime if Yeah, sure.
Maybe.
Why donât I we get dressed and weâll meet outside or - Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- Very good.
All right.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh.
Much different with clothes.
Ah, well.
Sorry for the wait, chum.
- Bup-bup-bup-bum.
- Oh.
Youâre an old-timey.
I read about you guys in the Sunday Styles section.
Guilty as charged.
May I interest you in a confection, good sir? Oh, wow, you really commit to this.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) Um Shit.
What are we doing? Do you owe a sum? Are you a debtor? No, no, no, itâs just, thereâs a guy I used to work out with at my old gym, and now I canât.
- Canât what? - I canât do what I always do.
Um God, this gym is too nice not for me to give this a try.
Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night? I do very much! Great.
Till then, then.
Till then, then.
Be well, Billy.
Up, up, and away.
And weâre off! Oh, great, I just fucked Steamboat Willie.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Medium-talent Jewish bitch.
Thin Mint, stop yelling at yourself in the mirror.
- It confuses the dogs.
- Itâs not me.
Itâs this girl Heather I work with.
She got to quit recapping to go write for "Horse.
" "Horse"? Itâs a very important show.
Whatever.
So now she writes for "Horse," and where does that leave me? Lonely single recapper? Uh, noodles, couple of flags raised You know what I mean.
I just want to be doing more.
Iâm tired of watching everybody around me ascend to stardom while I atrophy and wither.
Are any of us really doing what we want, Vitamix? I mean, just today, the Helena Rubenstein Foundation got up my can about creating a sexy spin-off of "Antiques Roadshow.
" Thatâs disgusting.
Every antique dealer is a creep.
They always have that one back room full of racist - paraphernalia and Nazi shit.
- Really? With just the right nod and wink, those heirloom swappers will be showing you swastika cufflinks on a mammy doll.
Well, we are casting a wide net to find sexy antique dealers, but we might just have to end up hiring more trolls to appraise sexy heirlooms.
Oh, I see what youâre trying to do.
Youâre trying to cheer me up with your little story.
Actually thought I was sharing a real issue that Iâm trying to work through, but thatâs fine.
But itâs not working.
Lilith Feigenbaum should have met me.
I would have been the perfect Refutz candidate.
Nobodyâs more Jewish than I am, Arthur.
- I mean, culturally.
- Iâll drink to that.
Iâm even making a Shiva Call tonight with my mom, who guilted me into it.
Who passed away? Oh, her tennis partner, Eileen Rosenstreitch.
She dropped dead on the court.
- Were they close? - They were, like, 4-4.
My mom swears they were about to win.
Sheâs fucking furious.
Mom, hi.
- Iâm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Although, technically it was a tie.
We came so close to beating those fucking Sokol twins.
Theyâre like the Williams sisters of the Sycamore Country Club, except, you know, allowed to join.
Oh, Julie, you know what the saddest part was? Watching your friend die? Eileen didnât have a will.
The estate lawyer had to donate everything to charity.
Iâm sorry, did I miss something? Why is that sad? It was a pro-Palestinian charity.
Eileenâs opal brooch is probably now on the suit lapel of some Arafat.
I need a will, or this could wind up happening to me.
- So write a will.
- I donât have a lawyer.
Ever since Star Jones stopped coming to me for her food addiction.
Mom, you have to stop telling me who your patients are.
You sound just like Catherine Zeta-Jones when I tried to help her with her bipolar two.
Ah, yes, bipolar two, the squeakuel.
I was thinking maybe I should buy a camera.
You know that video will thing.
Thatâs a thing, isnât it? It was in "Brewsterâs Millions.
" I mean, I donât know if they still do it, but seems Hello, Marilyn.
Very kind of you to pay respects.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Thank you.
That was a beautiful eulogy, Rabbi.
This is my daughter, Julie.
- Julie, hello.
- Hi.
Wow, eulogies, like the ultimate recap, huh? Hey, Rabbi, have you heard of this group called Refutz? Of course.
I have some Refutz people in my congregation.
They always come on Friday nights, but Iâm not a fan.
Itâs less of a spiritual group than it is for high-powered Jews in show business to network.
Wow, that sounds really cynical and awful.
Mm.
So Friday nights, then? I donât see a single person from Refutz.
I swear to God, if I go to synagogue and I donât make a show business connection, Iâm gonna fucking kill myself with a chain saw.
Oh, please, then youâd have to go to Home Depot.
Look, I have to go to my date soon.
- Who is this guy? - Cecil.
Although I vowed to remain as celibate as Tim Gunn, I ended up meeting this guy in the steam room at the gym, and then we ended up having a very lovely time doing some very filthy things to each other.
When Republicans are right about the things gay men do, my heart swells.
But, Julie, heâs an old-timey.
What? Thatâs the worst of all Brooklyn trends.
And thatâs a very high bar.
So now I have to add him to a list of guys that Iâve hit and quit and somehow try to find the last remaining gym in New York City I havenât ruined for myself, which is probably the Curves on Staten Island.
What if you break up with him gracefully? Maybe you could be friends later.
Shabbat Shalom, hey Shabbat Shalom, hey - Iâm out.
- Good luck breaking up.
Thank you.
Iâll need it.
Julie, I didnât know you went to shul.
Iâm not too cool for shul.
Howâs recapping? Oh, you know.
Same old, same old.
You watch something.
You write something about it.
25 weeks later, you get a check for $6.
Oh, meet my friends.
This is Lilith.
Lilith Feigenbaum! You are one of my favorite top ten female showrunners.
And since thereâs only three of you, - youâre basically my top six.
- Thank you.
- Anyway, Shabbat Shalom.
- Shabbat Shalom.
You know, Iâm just sitting here thinking about, you know, where Iâm gonna go for Shabbat dinner after this because, um my momâs best friend died both: Aw.
In front of her.
Yeah.
So I canât go there.
Anyway, itâs great meeting you.
Great seeing you.
Wait, Lilith can Julie join us? Why not? Iâm only a 20 minute walk away.
A 20 minute what now with whoâs this? Say, Billy, why donât you come in for a nightcap? Oh, you know what, Cecil? Uh, hereâs the thing, and this is not easy for me to say, so I prepared a little speech.
Good evening, Mr.
Jellford.
- May I take your coat? - Hotchkiss, please, - my guest has something to say.
- Certainly.
Iâll just put the Veuve on ice and run your bath.
Good man.
Good man.
Iâm sorry, one thing we never covered, what do you do for a living? Well, I fancy acquiring and selling little knick knacks from yesteryear, but the majority of my money does come from the family business.
- Which is? - Uh, Jellford? Jellford Jelly Beans? Theyâre small, bean shaped candies - with a sweet taste - I know what jelly beans are.
Well, did you know itâs a billion dollar industry? Sugar is recession-proof.
Just ask my two story closet.
Oh, really? Now, you had a rehearsed speech of some kind to give? I was just gonna say, I think itâs sexy that you dress like someone who could can still get the Measles.
Way before Jenny McCarthy was even born! Howâre you feeling, Julie? Have you cooled off a bit since we got inside? (EXHALES SHARPLY) Yes, thank you.
I just remind me why we walk again? Itâs part of our Unplugged tradition that we love to do every Shabbat at Refutz.
Refutz? Whatâs that? Iâm intrigued! Well, from Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown, we put our cell phones away, we turn off our TVs, we walk instead of drive.
And, I have to tell you, it has made me a much better writer.
How does unplugging make you a better writer? We just like to interact with people face-to-face.
Listen, why donât you give it 24 hours? - What have you got to lose? - Well, I got to say, usually this would be something I make fun of, like Robin Wrightâs sleepwear line, or the notion of having a core, but why not? Iâll try it.
And on Saturday we get back together and have another meal where we discuss all the ideas weâve been thinking about while we were offline.
Who wants to host this week? Oh, oh, let me! My boyfriendâs a great cook.
You have a boyfriend? (UPBEAT MUSIC) I donât understand, though.
Who turns the lights on and off? Who turns on the television? Arthur.
Heâs my Shabbos Goy! I certainly am, kiddush cup.
You remember that from Hebrew School? The ultimate loophole.
If you need something plugged in on Shabbos, as long as the person isnât Jewish, youâre home free.
So he just does anything you ask? Sure, watch.
Arthur, check my Twitter.
Oh, thisâll be fun.
Oh, noodles, the Wi-Fiâs still not working.
Just hop on the neighborâs.
I use it all the time.
Thereâs no password.
Itâs, um âHitlerHadSomeGoodldeas.
" All one word, lowercase.
Stealing a Neo-Naziâs Wi-Fi is the ultimate way to stick it to Hitler! Ah, speed round, someone on Twitter says, "I had a theory you were born without a clitoris.
"Eat a bag of" Well, it doesnât matter what he said.
Tell you what, since Iâm in charge of the Internet, why donât I filter out any of the toxins that might adversely affect your mood.
- Great.
- Wow.
This is the best.
He does all that, you just sit here quietly on the couch, - nursing your creative genius.
- I know, right? Arthur, Google my name only read me glowing praise.
Scrolling, scrolling.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) âCongratulations.
"You are now the owner of the Fonda 5000, "the exclusive camera used by the Netflix series, "âGrace & Frankie.
â "Sony, in collaboration with Chevrolet, "have partnered to give a woman the best gift of all: "her youngest self.
Step one: preparing the lenses.
" Okay.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Hi, Iâm Tina Fey.
- And? Uh, Iâm Tina Fey, writer and actor.
"SNL," "30 Rock," "Mean Girls," What do you want, dear? Well, I know you said no to the six production assistants that I sent to ask, but Iâm directing an episode of "The Blacklist," which is a dream come true, of my agentâs and so I really need James Spader to cry on the steps of your brownstone.
Okay, I have no idea what any of that means, but did you say you direct? Yeah, actually I didnât realize that I was a director until this opportunity came up, âcause, you know, - back in Chicago - Bap bap bap bap.
A simple "yes" would have done the trick.
Director.
Do me a small favor, Trina? - Tina.
- Tina.
Tina.
Tina.
The human name, Tina.
Yes.
I wonder if you can do me a small favor, Tina, I wonder if you can help me shoot my video will.
Oh, Iâm sorry, we have a really full day.
You know, James Spader wears a 75 piece suit and I have to approve every piece.
So, I canât help.
Isnât that something? So, you want to use my steps, but you donât want to help a woman who, as spry and self-lubricating as she is, needs to videotape her will so she can drop dead at any moment? Wait, is that a Fonda 5000? Yes, why? Do you know it? Uh, yeah, of course I know it.
Iâm kind of a gearhead.
Wow, any chance youâd let me - fool around with it? - Absolutely.
Can I get you coffee? Or day wine? - Day wine! - both: Yes! I hate this dress, itâs so itchy.
Lightbulb, I thought you were allergic to wool? Itâs Eileen Fisher, itâs just for one day, all those people wear stuff like this.
Itâll be fine.
I appreciate you coming with me to the grocery store.
I canât believe I forgot Gefilte Fish? Iâm such a fucking asshole.
- Facebook refresh.
- Okay Oh, 27 new comments on your profile photo.
Excuse me.
Is your internet in this building slow as is mine slow? Nope, ours runs as smoothly as the trains in Europe in the thirties.
I see.
Enjoy your Sabbath holiday.
Donât care for him.
Did you see that Hasidic man before? - Yes, itâs so hot.
- What a curiosity.
(BOTH LAUGH) Simply fantastic.
Right in here.
(ROY ORBISONâS "PRETTY WOMAN" PLAYING) ROY: Pretty woman, walkinâ down the street Get the sleeve, Bastian.
Too long.
Make it too long.
At least an 1 1/4 inch.
Enjoying your shine? ROY: Pretty woman, the kind Iâd like to meet - I am, thank you.
- Youâre very, very welcome.
ROY: Pretty woman, I donât believe you Youâre not the truth - Pow.
ROY: No one could look as good as you - No.
- Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - (HUMMING, LAUGHING) - ROY: Oh, oh, pretty woman Mannequin Leg, come join us.
Weâre ready to eat.
Yeah, letâs share some of the ideas we come up with when we were unplugged.
Where do I start? I have so many.
This Unplugging thing really works.
Okay, listen to some of these.
"Glee," but with dogs.
A "Botched" spinoff where Dr.
Terry Dubrowâs leather jacket becomes sentient and solves crimes.
"American Horror Story: We Promise We Thought It Through This Time.
" "CSI: Provincetown," and thereâs, like, a lot of piss play.
A workplace comedy about lesbian bed death.
And something with Annette Bening.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - Oh, funnel, text from Billy.
He says good luck with the Refutzers, and he has to go to a horrible party with Cecil and his old timey friends.
Now there is a show.
My best friend is dating this old-timey guy.
Runs around on a pogo stick and his family invented jelly beans.
(SCOFFS) You comedy people kill me.
Your ideas arenât grounded.
That sounds like itâs a sketch, not a show.
No, Cecilâs a real human person.
I mean, Iâd show you a picture of his dick from my cell phone.
Billy forwards them.
Itâs good to have a library.
Well, that wouldnât prove anything.
How about after dinner we go meet Cecil? - Sounds like a plan! - All right.
- Lâchaim.
- all: Lâchaim.
To my daughter, Julie, I leave you my wedding dress.
- Cut.
- What? As I once said to Wes Anderson, "I love what youâre doing, but I feel like Iâve seen it before.
" Actually, I said that to a photo of Wes Anderson that I keep in a little, heart-shaped locket.
God, Tina, stop talking.
I donât know what you mean.
Just direct me more.
Okay.
Why are you leaving your daughter a wedding dress? Because sheâll never marry that alcoholic she lives with and sheâll never fit into the dress.
Yes! Keep going! I like this.
Okay, now weâre writing from truth.
Weâre like those copywriters who came up with the ad campaign for Dove soap that cured sexism.
Tell me Marilyn, why are you making this will? Because I donât want my stuff to go to a charity I donât like.
Spite? Okay.
Well, then, hereâs a pitch: What if we donât think of these things that youâre giving away as âitems?" What if we think of them as âspite-ems.
â Oh, thatâs good.
Thatâs good.
I like you.
What is your name again? Tina Fey.
I literally have never heard of you.
(JAZZ MUSIC) Billy, my boy, howâs your hard tack? Iâm doing the best I can with it.
Top shelf.
Now, could I familiarize you with some of my circle of chums? - Mm-hmm.
- That ye there is Smitty.
He has a large collection of wooden roller skates.
Orville here plays ukulele.
He also mixed his own lead paint.
- Oh, dear.
- And Jeffy youâre gonna love this very much.
Jeffy will always wear two hats at once.
Oh, hereâs a toe-tapper you might know.
Itâs called "May I Sleep In Your Barn Tonight, Mister?" (UKULELE PLAYS) - (KAZOO AND UKULELE PLAYING) - Oh, Jesus.
Cecil, I need to talk to you.
Sure, anything, gent.
Uh, hereâs the thing.
Youâre a great guy, and Iâm doing my best to try and start dating like an - (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Fuck! Give me one second.
What? Billy, itâs Julie by way of Arthur.
Tell him to stay at the party.
Donât leave the party, weâre coming.
Wait, wait! No, no! Iâm currently breaking up - with Cecil gracefully.
- You are? I just think that maybe we donât have a lot in common, you know? Maybe if we take things more slowly.
Yeah, I mean, I would do that.
No, no, wait.
I always do this and then I say, weâll take things more slowly and then I donât really want to and then I have to avoid you at the gym and then I have to join another gym.
But not this time.
Not this gym.
Thereâs three kinds of water.
Thereâs Thereâs plain and lemon and cucu (WHIMPERS) Cucumber.
Youâre great.
Youâre like the catâs pajamas, but I think I have to 23 Skidoo.
Youâre a class act, Epstein.
All the way, but, please, stay for the party, would you? The punchbowl has heroin in it.
- And weâre cool? - Oh, as a Julep.
Okay, cut.
Wow.
First of all, I love directing! And directing loves you.
Youâre so good.
Second of all, Marilyn, resentment is bursting out of your pores.
Which, by the way, are invisible, because holy shit, this camera is not fucking around! Thank you, sweetheart! Are we done? Actually, thereâs just one other thing I kind of wanted to throw at you before we close out the day.
Anything.
Iâm clay.
What if this wasnât a will at all? Stay with me.
What if you give away your âspite-emsâ now, while youâre alive, to see the reactions of the people you want to hurt? That is brilliant! Youâre not going anywhere until I sign that location release for your show.
Didnât you want someone Iâve never heard of to cry on my front steps? - More than anything, Marilyn.
- Call me mom.
- No, you call me mom.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Julie.
You were right.
This definitely could be a show.
I know, right? I told you.
Okay, Monday morning you and I are gonna go pitch to Netflix, - and Iâm gonna change your life.
- Oh, my God, are you serious? - Julie, I broke up with Cecil.
- Hey.
- I did it gracefully.
- Oh, Iâm proud of you.
I am officially an ex-trophy wife.
Iâm like Camille Grammer without IBS.
Is that our neighbor over there? Where? Oh, yeah.
Whatâs he doing here? Whatâs wrong, timestamp? Youâve been doing that all night.
Oh, itâs this Eileen Fisher dress.
Iâm allergic to the wool and itâs doing nothing for my waist.
Sorry, Cecil, could you tell me - where the bathroom is? - Uh, which one? âCause I have 17 bathrooms.
You know why? Itâs âcause my parents invented jelly beans.
Fuck you.
Weâre gonna have to make his character more likeable on the show.
No, really, Julie, you have to see this place.
- Itâs ridiculous.
- Oh, yes, want to take a tour? Cecil, do you mind? I-I donât mind.
Uh foll follow me.
Follow me.
(DRUM ROLL) What the fuck? I knew all you antique dealers were sick creeps! Noodles, just like you said.
Well, hold on now, you gave me the wink.
- I have allergies.
- Ohh.
And you, "Hitler Had Some Good Ideas.
" How do you know my Wi-Fi network? We were stealing it, Goebbels.
That is unethical! Well, everyone, color my face egg color, thereâs been a misunderstanding.
Kathy Griffin, love your work.
Billy, I hope to see you at the gym sometime soon.
Uh, actually no.
And also fuck breaking up gracefully and fuck you, you tincture making, derby hat-wearing, jellybean inventing, penny, steam room-blowing, Nazi stuff selling piece of shit.
Billy, that was beautiful.
Iâve never high-fived in my life, but I feel like I should at least make an effort for that.
I high-fived once and it was ironic.
Letâs do this.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Shot.
- (CELL PHONE WHOOSHES) - And texted to entire Refutz group.
Iâm gonna make sure you never write for television.
(SCOFFS) Recapper trash.
Not our most graceful goodbye.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) You know what I learned from this Unplugging experiment? That the Curves in Staten Island does not have a menâs locker room? That, and I need to take a 24 hour period each week to un-face.
I interact with too many actual people as it is.
I need a day where Iâm just around screens.
Yeah, fuck the real world.
Screens never hurt anybody.
Screens make our lives better.
- (CAR HONKING) - Hooray for screens! (TIRES SCREECH, METAL CRASHES) - (HORN HONKING) - MAN: Fuck you! JULIE: Everybody is gay according to "TMZ.
" BILLY: Oh, thatâs good.
WOMAN: Thought itâd be easy Thought they didnât know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow
Yes, and this is right near my apartment.
Can you believe it? Honestly, if instead of showers, they had the Hemsworth brothers just spitting at you and calling you a dirty whore, itâd be too good to be true.
How many gyms have you belonged to at this point? Iâve lost count.
You know, I get a membership, and then I hook up with a guy in the steam room, and then we hang out, and then I realize that heâs lame, and I ghost him, and itâs too awkward to ever go back.
Those loser guys are keeping you from your optimal health.
Well, some might say itâs my penchant for anonymous sex that is to blame.
I just worry that my slutty phase has gone on so long that I literally donât know how to date.
- Mm.
- Do you think Anne Hathaway has this same conversation? You know, I have a theory that she was born without a clitoris.
Mm.
That explains "The Intern.
" - Julie? Hi! - Ooh, hey, hi, Heather.
Isnât this gym awesome? Um, Billy, do you remember Heather? - Sheâs another recapper.
- Oh, okay.
Not anymore.
Guess who just got hired onto the writing staff of "Horse.
" Oh, "Horse.
" Is that that Netflix show about the single mom who sells heroin To support her trans-childâs horseback riding hobby? - Well - Yeah.
Winner Best Comedy two years in a row.
When did comedies become 30-minute dramas? - Itâs such important work.
- Mm.
I canât tell you how good it feels to write TV instead of just recapping it.
And yet you just sort of did.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Howâd you get the job? Oh, I met the creator, Lilith Feigenbaum, at synagogue, and she invited me to join this group she belongs to, and the rest is herstory.
- Well, take care.
- Thanks.
Bye.
Oh, and your "OC Reunion" recap was such goofy fun! Bye! Jesus Christ, Iâm having feelings.
- I want my sundae back.
- Sorry, maâam, I threw it out.
What is this, a concentration camp? Do you at least have any vending machines or some complimentary popcorn? Just a vegan smoothie bar.
Bloom is off the rose on this dump.
I donât understand.
What does Heather have that you donât? A connection to Lilith Feigenbaum.
Of course they met at synagogue.
You know that that group sheâs talking about is Refutz.
Refutz.
They act like itâs a secret.
Meanwhile everyone knows what it is.
And they have their schmoozey Shabbat dinners, and they all get each other entertainment jobs.
And itâs stupid because no oneâs ever asked me to join.
Well, we have to get you invited, then.
Go to synagogue.
Pray or whatever.
Using God and religion to get a staffing job? I mean, can I really sink that low? (BOTH LAUGH) All right, look, Iâm gonna go work out.
Tell me not to blow this gym by blowing any members.
You can do it.
Tell me me not to eat my weight in Charleston Chews.
You can do it.
(ROMANTIC FLUTE MUSIC) Oh, fuck.
Ohh, fuck.
Oh.
(MOANS) (MOANS) (CHUCKLES) (DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC) - Oh.
- Hey.
- We meet again.
- Iâm Billy.
- And my nameâs Cecil.
- That was fun.
You know, Iâd love to, uh, go for another spin sometime if Yeah, sure.
Maybe.
Why donât I we get dressed and weâll meet outside or - Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- Very good.
All right.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh.
Much different with clothes.
Ah, well.
Sorry for the wait, chum.
- Bup-bup-bup-bum.
- Oh.
Youâre an old-timey.
I read about you guys in the Sunday Styles section.
Guilty as charged.
May I interest you in a confection, good sir? Oh, wow, you really commit to this.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) Um Shit.
What are we doing? Do you owe a sum? Are you a debtor? No, no, no, itâs just, thereâs a guy I used to work out with at my old gym, and now I canât.
- Canât what? - I canât do what I always do.
Um God, this gym is too nice not for me to give this a try.
Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night? I do very much! Great.
Till then, then.
Till then, then.
Be well, Billy.
Up, up, and away.
And weâre off! Oh, great, I just fucked Steamboat Willie.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) Medium-talent Jewish bitch.
Thin Mint, stop yelling at yourself in the mirror.
- It confuses the dogs.
- Itâs not me.
Itâs this girl Heather I work with.
She got to quit recapping to go write for "Horse.
" "Horse"? Itâs a very important show.
Whatever.
So now she writes for "Horse," and where does that leave me? Lonely single recapper? Uh, noodles, couple of flags raised You know what I mean.
I just want to be doing more.
Iâm tired of watching everybody around me ascend to stardom while I atrophy and wither.
Are any of us really doing what we want, Vitamix? I mean, just today, the Helena Rubenstein Foundation got up my can about creating a sexy spin-off of "Antiques Roadshow.
" Thatâs disgusting.
Every antique dealer is a creep.
They always have that one back room full of racist - paraphernalia and Nazi shit.
- Really? With just the right nod and wink, those heirloom swappers will be showing you swastika cufflinks on a mammy doll.
Well, we are casting a wide net to find sexy antique dealers, but we might just have to end up hiring more trolls to appraise sexy heirlooms.
Oh, I see what youâre trying to do.
Youâre trying to cheer me up with your little story.
Actually thought I was sharing a real issue that Iâm trying to work through, but thatâs fine.
But itâs not working.
Lilith Feigenbaum should have met me.
I would have been the perfect Refutz candidate.
Nobodyâs more Jewish than I am, Arthur.
- I mean, culturally.
- Iâll drink to that.
Iâm even making a Shiva Call tonight with my mom, who guilted me into it.
Who passed away? Oh, her tennis partner, Eileen Rosenstreitch.
She dropped dead on the court.
- Were they close? - They were, like, 4-4.
My mom swears they were about to win.
Sheâs fucking furious.
Mom, hi.
- Iâm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
Although, technically it was a tie.
We came so close to beating those fucking Sokol twins.
Theyâre like the Williams sisters of the Sycamore Country Club, except, you know, allowed to join.
Oh, Julie, you know what the saddest part was? Watching your friend die? Eileen didnât have a will.
The estate lawyer had to donate everything to charity.
Iâm sorry, did I miss something? Why is that sad? It was a pro-Palestinian charity.
Eileenâs opal brooch is probably now on the suit lapel of some Arafat.
I need a will, or this could wind up happening to me.
- So write a will.
- I donât have a lawyer.
Ever since Star Jones stopped coming to me for her food addiction.
Mom, you have to stop telling me who your patients are.
You sound just like Catherine Zeta-Jones when I tried to help her with her bipolar two.
Ah, yes, bipolar two, the squeakuel.
I was thinking maybe I should buy a camera.
You know that video will thing.
Thatâs a thing, isnât it? It was in "Brewsterâs Millions.
" I mean, I donât know if they still do it, but seems Hello, Marilyn.
Very kind of you to pay respects.
Indeed.
Indeed.
Thank you.
That was a beautiful eulogy, Rabbi.
This is my daughter, Julie.
- Julie, hello.
- Hi.
Wow, eulogies, like the ultimate recap, huh? Hey, Rabbi, have you heard of this group called Refutz? Of course.
I have some Refutz people in my congregation.
They always come on Friday nights, but Iâm not a fan.
Itâs less of a spiritual group than it is for high-powered Jews in show business to network.
Wow, that sounds really cynical and awful.
Mm.
So Friday nights, then? I donât see a single person from Refutz.
I swear to God, if I go to synagogue and I donât make a show business connection, Iâm gonna fucking kill myself with a chain saw.
Oh, please, then youâd have to go to Home Depot.
Look, I have to go to my date soon.
- Who is this guy? - Cecil.
Although I vowed to remain as celibate as Tim Gunn, I ended up meeting this guy in the steam room at the gym, and then we ended up having a very lovely time doing some very filthy things to each other.
When Republicans are right about the things gay men do, my heart swells.
But, Julie, heâs an old-timey.
What? Thatâs the worst of all Brooklyn trends.
And thatâs a very high bar.
So now I have to add him to a list of guys that Iâve hit and quit and somehow try to find the last remaining gym in New York City I havenât ruined for myself, which is probably the Curves on Staten Island.
What if you break up with him gracefully? Maybe you could be friends later.
Shabbat Shalom, hey Shabbat Shalom, hey - Iâm out.
- Good luck breaking up.
Thank you.
Iâll need it.
Julie, I didnât know you went to shul.
Iâm not too cool for shul.
Howâs recapping? Oh, you know.
Same old, same old.
You watch something.
You write something about it.
25 weeks later, you get a check for $6.
Oh, meet my friends.
This is Lilith.
Lilith Feigenbaum! You are one of my favorite top ten female showrunners.
And since thereâs only three of you, - youâre basically my top six.
- Thank you.
- Anyway, Shabbat Shalom.
- Shabbat Shalom.
You know, Iâm just sitting here thinking about, you know, where Iâm gonna go for Shabbat dinner after this because, um my momâs best friend died both: Aw.
In front of her.
Yeah.
So I canât go there.
Anyway, itâs great meeting you.
Great seeing you.
Wait, Lilith can Julie join us? Why not? Iâm only a 20 minute walk away.
A 20 minute what now with whoâs this? Say, Billy, why donât you come in for a nightcap? Oh, you know what, Cecil? Uh, hereâs the thing, and this is not easy for me to say, so I prepared a little speech.
Good evening, Mr.
Jellford.
- May I take your coat? - Hotchkiss, please, - my guest has something to say.
- Certainly.
Iâll just put the Veuve on ice and run your bath.
Good man.
Good man.
Iâm sorry, one thing we never covered, what do you do for a living? Well, I fancy acquiring and selling little knick knacks from yesteryear, but the majority of my money does come from the family business.
- Which is? - Uh, Jellford? Jellford Jelly Beans? Theyâre small, bean shaped candies - with a sweet taste - I know what jelly beans are.
Well, did you know itâs a billion dollar industry? Sugar is recession-proof.
Just ask my two story closet.
Oh, really? Now, you had a rehearsed speech of some kind to give? I was just gonna say, I think itâs sexy that you dress like someone who could can still get the Measles.
Way before Jenny McCarthy was even born! Howâre you feeling, Julie? Have you cooled off a bit since we got inside? (EXHALES SHARPLY) Yes, thank you.
I just remind me why we walk again? Itâs part of our Unplugged tradition that we love to do every Shabbat at Refutz.
Refutz? Whatâs that? Iâm intrigued! Well, from Friday at sundown to Saturday at sundown, we put our cell phones away, we turn off our TVs, we walk instead of drive.
And, I have to tell you, it has made me a much better writer.
How does unplugging make you a better writer? We just like to interact with people face-to-face.
Listen, why donât you give it 24 hours? - What have you got to lose? - Well, I got to say, usually this would be something I make fun of, like Robin Wrightâs sleepwear line, or the notion of having a core, but why not? Iâll try it.
And on Saturday we get back together and have another meal where we discuss all the ideas weâve been thinking about while we were offline.
Who wants to host this week? Oh, oh, let me! My boyfriendâs a great cook.
You have a boyfriend? (UPBEAT MUSIC) I donât understand, though.
Who turns the lights on and off? Who turns on the television? Arthur.
Heâs my Shabbos Goy! I certainly am, kiddush cup.
You remember that from Hebrew School? The ultimate loophole.
If you need something plugged in on Shabbos, as long as the person isnât Jewish, youâre home free.
So he just does anything you ask? Sure, watch.
Arthur, check my Twitter.
Oh, thisâll be fun.
Oh, noodles, the Wi-Fiâs still not working.
Just hop on the neighborâs.
I use it all the time.
Thereâs no password.
Itâs, um âHitlerHadSomeGoodldeas.
" All one word, lowercase.
Stealing a Neo-Naziâs Wi-Fi is the ultimate way to stick it to Hitler! Ah, speed round, someone on Twitter says, "I had a theory you were born without a clitoris.
"Eat a bag of" Well, it doesnât matter what he said.
Tell you what, since Iâm in charge of the Internet, why donât I filter out any of the toxins that might adversely affect your mood.
- Great.
- Wow.
This is the best.
He does all that, you just sit here quietly on the couch, - nursing your creative genius.
- I know, right? Arthur, Google my name only read me glowing praise.
Scrolling, scrolling.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) âCongratulations.
"You are now the owner of the Fonda 5000, "the exclusive camera used by the Netflix series, "âGrace & Frankie.
â "Sony, in collaboration with Chevrolet, "have partnered to give a woman the best gift of all: "her youngest self.
Step one: preparing the lenses.
" Okay.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Hi, Iâm Tina Fey.
- And? Uh, Iâm Tina Fey, writer and actor.
"SNL," "30 Rock," "Mean Girls," What do you want, dear? Well, I know you said no to the six production assistants that I sent to ask, but Iâm directing an episode of "The Blacklist," which is a dream come true, of my agentâs and so I really need James Spader to cry on the steps of your brownstone.
Okay, I have no idea what any of that means, but did you say you direct? Yeah, actually I didnât realize that I was a director until this opportunity came up, âcause, you know, - back in Chicago - Bap bap bap bap.
A simple "yes" would have done the trick.
Director.
Do me a small favor, Trina? - Tina.
- Tina.
Tina.
Tina.
The human name, Tina.
Yes.
I wonder if you can do me a small favor, Tina, I wonder if you can help me shoot my video will.
Oh, Iâm sorry, we have a really full day.
You know, James Spader wears a 75 piece suit and I have to approve every piece.
So, I canât help.
Isnât that something? So, you want to use my steps, but you donât want to help a woman who, as spry and self-lubricating as she is, needs to videotape her will so she can drop dead at any moment? Wait, is that a Fonda 5000? Yes, why? Do you know it? Uh, yeah, of course I know it.
Iâm kind of a gearhead.
Wow, any chance youâd let me - fool around with it? - Absolutely.
Can I get you coffee? Or day wine? - Day wine! - both: Yes! I hate this dress, itâs so itchy.
Lightbulb, I thought you were allergic to wool? Itâs Eileen Fisher, itâs just for one day, all those people wear stuff like this.
Itâll be fine.
I appreciate you coming with me to the grocery store.
I canât believe I forgot Gefilte Fish? Iâm such a fucking asshole.
- Facebook refresh.
- Okay Oh, 27 new comments on your profile photo.
Excuse me.
Is your internet in this building slow as is mine slow? Nope, ours runs as smoothly as the trains in Europe in the thirties.
I see.
Enjoy your Sabbath holiday.
Donât care for him.
Did you see that Hasidic man before? - Yes, itâs so hot.
- What a curiosity.
(BOTH LAUGH) Simply fantastic.
Right in here.
(ROY ORBISONâS "PRETTY WOMAN" PLAYING) ROY: Pretty woman, walkinâ down the street Get the sleeve, Bastian.
Too long.
Make it too long.
At least an 1 1/4 inch.
Enjoying your shine? ROY: Pretty woman, the kind Iâd like to meet - I am, thank you.
- Youâre very, very welcome.
ROY: Pretty woman, I donât believe you Youâre not the truth - Pow.
ROY: No one could look as good as you - No.
- Yes.
(BOTH LAUGHING) - (HUMMING, LAUGHING) - ROY: Oh, oh, pretty woman Mannequin Leg, come join us.
Weâre ready to eat.
Yeah, letâs share some of the ideas we come up with when we were unplugged.
Where do I start? I have so many.
This Unplugging thing really works.
Okay, listen to some of these.
"Glee," but with dogs.
A "Botched" spinoff where Dr.
Terry Dubrowâs leather jacket becomes sentient and solves crimes.
"American Horror Story: We Promise We Thought It Through This Time.
" "CSI: Provincetown," and thereâs, like, a lot of piss play.
A workplace comedy about lesbian bed death.
And something with Annette Bening.
- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) - Oh, funnel, text from Billy.
He says good luck with the Refutzers, and he has to go to a horrible party with Cecil and his old timey friends.
Now there is a show.
My best friend is dating this old-timey guy.
Runs around on a pogo stick and his family invented jelly beans.
(SCOFFS) You comedy people kill me.
Your ideas arenât grounded.
That sounds like itâs a sketch, not a show.
No, Cecilâs a real human person.
I mean, Iâd show you a picture of his dick from my cell phone.
Billy forwards them.
Itâs good to have a library.
Well, that wouldnât prove anything.
How about after dinner we go meet Cecil? - Sounds like a plan! - All right.
- Lâchaim.
- all: Lâchaim.
To my daughter, Julie, I leave you my wedding dress.
- Cut.
- What? As I once said to Wes Anderson, "I love what youâre doing, but I feel like Iâve seen it before.
" Actually, I said that to a photo of Wes Anderson that I keep in a little, heart-shaped locket.
God, Tina, stop talking.
I donât know what you mean.
Just direct me more.
Okay.
Why are you leaving your daughter a wedding dress? Because sheâll never marry that alcoholic she lives with and sheâll never fit into the dress.
Yes! Keep going! I like this.
Okay, now weâre writing from truth.
Weâre like those copywriters who came up with the ad campaign for Dove soap that cured sexism.
Tell me Marilyn, why are you making this will? Because I donât want my stuff to go to a charity I donât like.
Spite? Okay.
Well, then, hereâs a pitch: What if we donât think of these things that youâre giving away as âitems?" What if we think of them as âspite-ems.
â Oh, thatâs good.
Thatâs good.
I like you.
What is your name again? Tina Fey.
I literally have never heard of you.
(JAZZ MUSIC) Billy, my boy, howâs your hard tack? Iâm doing the best I can with it.
Top shelf.
Now, could I familiarize you with some of my circle of chums? - Mm-hmm.
- That ye there is Smitty.
He has a large collection of wooden roller skates.
Orville here plays ukulele.
He also mixed his own lead paint.
- Oh, dear.
- And Jeffy youâre gonna love this very much.
Jeffy will always wear two hats at once.
Oh, hereâs a toe-tapper you might know.
Itâs called "May I Sleep In Your Barn Tonight, Mister?" (UKULELE PLAYS) - (KAZOO AND UKULELE PLAYING) - Oh, Jesus.
Cecil, I need to talk to you.
Sure, anything, gent.
Uh, hereâs the thing.
Youâre a great guy, and Iâm doing my best to try and start dating like an - (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Fuck! Give me one second.
What? Billy, itâs Julie by way of Arthur.
Tell him to stay at the party.
Donât leave the party, weâre coming.
Wait, wait! No, no! Iâm currently breaking up - with Cecil gracefully.
- You are? I just think that maybe we donât have a lot in common, you know? Maybe if we take things more slowly.
Yeah, I mean, I would do that.
No, no, wait.
I always do this and then I say, weâll take things more slowly and then I donât really want to and then I have to avoid you at the gym and then I have to join another gym.
But not this time.
Not this gym.
Thereâs three kinds of water.
Thereâs Thereâs plain and lemon and cucu (WHIMPERS) Cucumber.
Youâre great.
Youâre like the catâs pajamas, but I think I have to 23 Skidoo.
Youâre a class act, Epstein.
All the way, but, please, stay for the party, would you? The punchbowl has heroin in it.
- And weâre cool? - Oh, as a Julep.
Okay, cut.
Wow.
First of all, I love directing! And directing loves you.
Youâre so good.
Second of all, Marilyn, resentment is bursting out of your pores.
Which, by the way, are invisible, because holy shit, this camera is not fucking around! Thank you, sweetheart! Are we done? Actually, thereâs just one other thing I kind of wanted to throw at you before we close out the day.
Anything.
Iâm clay.
What if this wasnât a will at all? Stay with me.
What if you give away your âspite-emsâ now, while youâre alive, to see the reactions of the people you want to hurt? That is brilliant! Youâre not going anywhere until I sign that location release for your show.
Didnât you want someone Iâve never heard of to cry on my front steps? - More than anything, Marilyn.
- Call me mom.
- No, you call me mom.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God, Julie.
You were right.
This definitely could be a show.
I know, right? I told you.
Okay, Monday morning you and I are gonna go pitch to Netflix, - and Iâm gonna change your life.
- Oh, my God, are you serious? - Julie, I broke up with Cecil.
- Hey.
- I did it gracefully.
- Oh, Iâm proud of you.
I am officially an ex-trophy wife.
Iâm like Camille Grammer without IBS.
Is that our neighbor over there? Where? Oh, yeah.
Whatâs he doing here? Whatâs wrong, timestamp? Youâve been doing that all night.
Oh, itâs this Eileen Fisher dress.
Iâm allergic to the wool and itâs doing nothing for my waist.
Sorry, Cecil, could you tell me - where the bathroom is? - Uh, which one? âCause I have 17 bathrooms.
You know why? Itâs âcause my parents invented jelly beans.
Fuck you.
Weâre gonna have to make his character more likeable on the show.
No, really, Julie, you have to see this place.
- Itâs ridiculous.
- Oh, yes, want to take a tour? Cecil, do you mind? I-I donât mind.
Uh foll follow me.
Follow me.
(DRUM ROLL) What the fuck? I knew all you antique dealers were sick creeps! Noodles, just like you said.
Well, hold on now, you gave me the wink.
- I have allergies.
- Ohh.
And you, "Hitler Had Some Good Ideas.
" How do you know my Wi-Fi network? We were stealing it, Goebbels.
That is unethical! Well, everyone, color my face egg color, thereâs been a misunderstanding.
Kathy Griffin, love your work.
Billy, I hope to see you at the gym sometime soon.
Uh, actually no.
And also fuck breaking up gracefully and fuck you, you tincture making, derby hat-wearing, jellybean inventing, penny, steam room-blowing, Nazi stuff selling piece of shit.
Billy, that was beautiful.
Iâve never high-fived in my life, but I feel like I should at least make an effort for that.
I high-fived once and it was ironic.
Letâs do this.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) - Shot.
- (CELL PHONE WHOOSHES) - And texted to entire Refutz group.
Iâm gonna make sure you never write for television.
(SCOFFS) Recapper trash.
Not our most graceful goodbye.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) You know what I learned from this Unplugging experiment? That the Curves in Staten Island does not have a menâs locker room? That, and I need to take a 24 hour period each week to un-face.
I interact with too many actual people as it is.
I need a day where Iâm just around screens.
Yeah, fuck the real world.
Screens never hurt anybody.
Screens make our lives better.
- (CAR HONKING) - Hooray for screens! (TIRES SCREECH, METAL CRASHES) - (HORN HONKING) - MAN: Fuck you! JULIE: Everybody is gay according to "TMZ.
" BILLY: Oh, thatâs good.
WOMAN: Thought itâd be easy Thought they didnât know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow