Difficult People (2015) s03e08 Episode Script

Criminal Minds

1 A statement and a question: I have to pee, and how are things with you and Todd? I think it's good.
I started introducing him to the Denise Richards film "Canon".
Last night, we watched "Madea's Witness Protection.
" Oh, I'm happy for you or as happy as I can be.
I've been feeling like shit lately.
Oh! A pizza place.
They have to let me use their bathroom.
And eat their pizza.
At different times.
Ha, look at me.
I'm the queen of England.
Hey, where's your restroom? Sorry.
Employees only.
But I'm pregnant.
Yeah, she's pregnant.
You are? - Oh, of course you are.
- Okay.
- It's in the basement.
- Let me help you down the stairs.
Hey, be careful with my wife on those stairs.
We want to keep it this time.
Aw, sweetie.
Just, please, be careful.
Hey, let go of me! [GROANS] Are you dead? [MOANS] Okay, I'm gonna take that as, "I'm fine, pee somewhere else, and steal some garlic knots on your way out.
" I am way ahead of you.
[DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC] Snapple Facts, it's 3:00 in the morning.
You've been watching "Criminal Minds" for six hours? My depression has reached procedural marathon levels.
This one isn't so bad, though, for a No Paget.
A No Paget? Yeah, Paget Brewster keeps leaving.
"Criminal Minds" and coming back.
I read an interview with her.
She said she kept coming back to "Criminal Minds" because that's when she was happiest in her life.
I just wonder what my "Criminal Minds" is.
May I ask you your advice on a work issue? As you know, every PBS show ends with us thanking Viewers Like You for their donations.
You're assuming I've ever made it to the end of a PBS show, but okay, keep going.
So I pitched to Gaby that we should write personalized thank-you notes to the viewers.
She told me not to, but they account for 60% of our operating costs.
So I'm facing a moral conundrum: Should I write the thank-you notes anyway? That's your moral conundrum? I once shoplifted someone's seizure medication because I wanted the bottle.
Fudge it.
Gonna be a bad boy and write those thank-you notes.
Are you a little turned on? Yeah.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV] - And that, my friend, is "Blue Lagoon: The Awakening.
" Denise Richards was barely in it.
And yet somehow it feels like she still was in it a bit too much.
I'll see you tomorrow? Or you could stay the night.
- A sleepover? - [CHUCKLES] We've only been dating a couple of months.
- Oh, Billy.
- Who hurt you? Fine.
Let's do it.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] MAN: This is it Tonight's the night The curtain's closed We'll be all right Well, in the immortal words of Anjelica Huston's dance coach on "Smash," I'm sorry, this is just not working.
So you didn't get any sleep at all? No.
I felt like I was seven and needed my mom to come pick me up 'cause I got scared watching "Twilight Zone: The Movie.
" What do you think John Landis' worst contribution to society is: His alleged manslaughter or his son, Max? [SIGHS] So this weekend, we're gonna try to find some neutral territory.
One of his clients is this big, fancy hotel in Times Square, so we're gonna have us a little staycation.
Ooh, I love everything about that except Times Square and the word "staycation.
" So as long as I'm taking this big swing at intimacy, I figured I also might as well Airbnb my place.
If things go wrong, at least I can overcharge some stupid tourists by 400%.
- Sit anywhere.
- Question everything.
- Specials on the board.
- Julie! I have a meeting with my book editor, and I need your permission to print some photos that you happen to be in.
Mom, this is literally what email is for.
Okay, what about this one? No, you can't print that! I don't need anybody knowing I went on a Disney cruise with my mom when I was 22.
Oh, but my hair looks so good in that.
- I don't care.
- No, you can't print it.
Okay, well, what about this one? It's the only one I have of you smiling.
Oh, look at me all happy with my improv group.
[SIGHS] God, was I just high all the time, or was this my "Criminal Minds"? Presenting Nola! Bush did 9/11.
I'm angry.
What the fuck? Condragulations! I'm auditioning for "RuPaul's Drag Race.
" You don't do drag, you errant lube stain.
I do now.
I realized the only thing standing in my way of becoming.
America's Next Drag Superstar is a drag persona.
And what is a persona? It's "person" with an A at the end of it, so it's a lady.
And what is drag but making fun of ladies? You are so fucking stupid.
[LAUGHS] Tell us how you really feel.
[LAUGHS] You know, now that I see my reflection in this snake milker butter knife, I guess I could trim my wig and be my Aunt Scorpion for "Drag Race.
" - What do you think? - Hmm? Me? Oh, I have no feeling either way.
[LAUGHS] My Aunt Scorpion didn't have any feelings either.
I mean, she was born without fingertips.
She raised me after my choir teacher Jib Jab died.
What a colorful group of friends you choose to waste your time with.
Marilyn, I read your chapters on your childhood.
- You're welcome.
- They're horrible.
Whole thing is boring, self-indulgent shit.
And I had to read Anna Kendrick's book proposal for "Scrappy Little Nobody.
" So what are you saying? Maybe we put this book on hold.
So what are you saying? There's nothing interesting about your life.
So what are you say I'm saying that your life story is too boring and I won't publish it.
Well, I have so much more to tell.
I have stories about my Aunt Scorpion, who raised me after my choir teacher Jib Jab died.
And none of them had any fingertips.
What? With a crazy backstory like that, why the hell are you writing about the time you thought you saw Jerry Orbach at a Gristedes? Note taken.
I am going to come back with even more stories about my fascinating hillbilly childhood.
Hee-haw! Get her done.
Welcome, Airbnb-ers.
Come on in.
Give you a little tour.
Don't fall too far behind.
Now, over here is the formal dining area, okay? And then over here is the boudoir.
It's one of those apartments, doesn't look like much when you walk in, but then you discover little things, like over here is a bowl of change.
'Cause I went to the deli, and I bought some milk and just, you know, some snacks and stuff, and then I gave him cash, and then he gave me back change, and I thought, "I'm gonna put it in a bowl.
" And, you know, there is so much light.
In New York, it's very rare to have a window.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and [LAUGHING] I don't even know where I am.
Seemed a lot bigger in the photo.
Oh, no, for New York, this place is huge.
Trust me.
Okay, plus, you guys are gonna be out doing tourist stuff.
You know, you just need a place to sleep.
Can we have a minute alone to talk? - Oh.
Yeah, sure.
- Let me give you some privacy.
If you need me, I'll be here in the en suite.
[SPEAKING GERMAN] Okay, we will try it.
Oh, that's really great news! Hey, where are you guys from? Oh, you know what? I don't care.
Boy, that accent, though, that is not comforting.
Matthew is it? - Yes, it is.
- Yes! - Now put it in lights! - Oh! [LAUGHS] Wait, you look familiar.
Which is the word I use for "Jewish.
" Oh, you're Julie's sister! And now we're best friends.
- Yasss! - Yasss! [LAUGHS] So what can I do you for you, Diva? I wanted to ask you out to lunch tomorrow.
Oh, hon, I'm I'm flattered, but I take it up the ass.
I assumed.
I just have this weird feeling that you and I could be good friends.
Well, as Jib Jab said right before she died [HOARSELY] "That ain't a bad idea!" Ooh, tell me more about that! Turns out, it was a bad idea for her to jump into that swamp water.
I watched those gators rip her body apart right in front of me.
At night, I can still hear her screams when I close my eyes.
[HOARSELY] "Matty, help me.
They're pulling my legs off.
" They're ripping my arms off now.
" Oh, that's good.
- What? - That's wow.
And what could I do, you know? I was nine years old, just standing there on the on the on the side of the swamp in a ball gown.
Probably the second-saddest Christmas I ever had.
[LAUGHTER] MELISSA: Wow, Julie, this reunion is so fun! What a great idea to get together.
I just remember I was so happy when we did shows.
Melissa, remember that sketch we did Oh, the nacho sketch? Yes! BOTH: I don't theeenk so! - I don't theeenk so! - [LAUGHTER] Do you guys remember my bit about Carol Channing at the dentist? She was like, "Hey" MELISSA: Ray, how old is your baby? Uh, he's six weeks, and we already think he has a learning disability, so yeah.
Oh, wow.
[AS CAROL CHANNING] Hello, molars! [LAUGHING] Carol Channing.
Hey, remember that time we went to Calgary and they were like, "No improv allowed"? [CELL PHONE BUZZING] RAY: We were pretty fucking rad.
- Oh, I have to grab this.
- I'm sorry.
[LAUGHTER] RAY: It's like, "Speak English.
" [LAUGHTER] Hey, what's up? BILLY: I'm in the hotel.
I can't sleep, but Todd can, which means this is a "me" problem and not an "us" problem.
"This is Us" is a big problem.
Why don't I just meet you in the lobby with a sock full of Klonopin and you can Cosby yourself? I don't want to tear you away from your improv reunion.
It's okay.
I don't think they're very happy to see me.
Maybe they never liked me and we were all just so high, I didn't notice.
Why did I stop smoking pot? Because you were having panic attacks and decided you should have your own show on Adult Swim.
You know, maybe I was just happy because of that whole improv philosophy of "yes, and.
" Maybe you should try saying "yes, and" to whatever they're saying now.
What's the worst that could happen? I don't know, I could end up making the sequel to "Don't Think Twice"? Ooh.
Maybe that's on pay-per-view here.
If that doesn't make me fall asleep, then I've already died and I'm a ghost.
[LAUGHTER] Will, while we're coming clean, I did steal your mullet wig.
ALL: Oh! All right, during the improv marathon of '02, I initiated a scene with a premise in mind.
[LAUGHTER] - Yes, and - while we're confessing, um, Melissa, I fucked your boyfriend.
Julie, that's a big one.
- Wait, which boyfriend? - Not Ryan.
- Yes, and - not Ryan.
Was it Chuck? Yes, and yes, it was Chuck.
I had no clue.
When? Uh Christmas Eve, 2000.
Uh Chuck died that night.
You were the last person to see him alive.
Yes, and it has haunted me.
So you were with Chuck when he fell down those stairs and died.
Oh, is this really why you wanted us all to get together? - Yes, and - now that we are hanging out, I'm actually having a good time, so why don't you guys come over tomorrow? We'll watch some tapes of our old shows, and we can all pretend we don't notice how fat we've gotten.
Yeah? Yes! All right! That's what I like to hear.
[AS CAROL CHANNING] Hello, molars! [LAUGHS] TODD: Well, neutral territory didn't help.
- What? - You were asleep all night.
No, I felt bad I suggested the hotel, so I just pretended.
You stayed motionless for seven hours? Who are you, Denise Richards in "Starship Troopers"? Should we just cut our losses and go home? I can't.
I Airbnb-ed my place for the whole weekend.
I keep forgetting how broke you are.
- Oh, that's funny.
- I think about it constantly.
All right, here's a pitch.
Why don't we just wear ourselves out till we have to sleep? What's the most exhausting thing you can think of? We can call my cousin Jeannie and ask her why she took a break from social media.
Or there's nothing more exhausting than tourist bullshit, right? Oh, my God.
We could pretend like we're tourists for the day.
I could be someone who owns a piece of clothing - from Old Navy - Yes.
And you could be a teenage girl who can't get an abortion.
[LAUGHING] Yeah! Hi, I'm Todd.
We're from New Mexico.
- Oh, hey, Todd.
- Oh! - Hello.
- Hi, we've never been to the big city, so we're very scared.
Oh, yeah? We've been here a whole mess of times.
Oh, wow.
We just saw the greatest show: "Gazillion Bubbles.
" Though to tell you the truth, it seemed more like a gahundred thousand.
- Oh! - [LAUGHTER] Yeah, Lucy and I seen that "Othello" at The Old Vic last year, and this show made that look like a hunk of shit.
Oh, well! Thank you, Ben Brantley.
Hi, Ben.
Hey, if you wanna, y'all are welcome to hang out with us today.
Ooh! [WITH BAD NEW YORK ACCENT] Like a couple of real New Yorkers! [LAUGHTER] Well, I'm exhausted already! [LAUGHTER] MATTHEW: And then after the eighth time that Aunt Scorpion swallowed a bag of needles, we started taking her to the veterinarian.
I could listen to your stories all day.
And I could tell them all day, but unfortunately, I have to get back to my photo studio.
I've got to develop some creep shots I took of Sigourney Weaver on the D train.
You have a photo studio? Yeah, it's a little hobby I picked up back when Jib Jab wanted to be in "Hustler.
" Ah.
Well, maybe you could take some pictures of me.
I'd pay.
- Oh, sure, doll.
- You want the full beav? I mean, I never pictured you as a Hustler Honey, but I bet I'd change my mind once you opened your legs.
Oh, actually, I just need an author photo.
So tits, glasses, pencil in mouth.
- That's it.
That's it.
- Yup, got it.
Well, I can't wait to get some closure on whether Jib Jab actually made it into "Hustler.
" - Did she? - Well, they approved her, and then her eyes fell.
- Speak up.
- [LOUDER] Her eyes fell.
- Wonderful.
- Right out of they sockets.
Mm! And on behalf of PBS, I thank you sincerely for being one of the Viewers Like You.
[OMINOUS MUSIC] "Criminal Minds," Paget Brewster.
- Game change.
- I've stumbled upon a caper.
Every Viewer Like You has the same address! Arthur, what are you talking about? My improv group is here.
Noodles, intrigue is afoot.
This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.
Yay, that's amazing.
Sorry about that.
So the food delivery guy sold me this.
I hope it's pot.
Hey, can you maybe not smoke that near my special needs infant? [EXHALES] Oh, all right, poindexter.
Any of you other fuddy-duddies have requests from Yawnsville? [LAUGHS] I love myself high! Hey, Melissa, wanna take a hit of To Bong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Kessler? No, thanks.
Um, listen, Julie, I don't want to bring the mood down, but I'm in touch with Chuck's mom, and we still have so many questions about his death.
Oh, yeah, that's normal.
But, you know, we all came here to watch the tape, so [AS CAROL CHANNING] Hello, molars! [LAUGHS] Um, do you remember Chuck's last words? Did he mention his mom? - Yes, and - he forgives her.
[BOTH GASP] [EXHALES] Oh, yeah! This is definitely pot! [LAUGHS] "Smoke me, Melissa.
" [FUNKY MUSIC] - What's that? - Yes! So you said that your aunt didn't have any fingertips.
- Is that right? - Correct.
You're cold.
You're a shivering little baby.
Brr! - Bartender.
- Bartender.
And then the fronts of your hands as well.
We thought we'd be on that island forever You have lived a fascinating life.
And then you notice, "Oh, my God, what time is it?" And you spill the cocktail.
Do you come from a line of alcoholics? - Ah, fabulous, fabulous.
- More.
More, more, more, more.
- All right, I think we - we're good, then.
- Do you think we have enough? - I don't.
- That did the trick.
- I'm exhausted.
In fact, I think I could take a nap.
- Yes! A nap! - The snack of sleep! We can't afford a full meal, so we'll just graze.
Aw, Ed.
The fruitcakes are sleepy.
Oh! My favorite thing about a nap is dreaming about sleeping next to this big guy.
I love sleeping next to Lucy.
I'm sorry, I have to ask.
Did you two ever have a problem falling asleep together? Absolutely not.
So how long have you been married? - We're not married.
- I'm paying her.
I am Lucy, the vacation prostitute.
- Yes, you are.
- Whoo! My wife, on the other hand, is a fucking nightmare.
I can't sleep in the same room with that woman.
Why did I marry someone that I can't sleep next to? Yes, we get it.
Thank you for illustrating our fears with examples.
So which room we gonna go back to, yours or ourn? - What? - Huh? Well, why the hell would you spend the day with us if you didn't wanna swing? Please tell me you're referring to dancing along to the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
- No, group sex.
- Partner swapping.
Course, it'd be you two double-teaming her.
I'd watch and do my business in a sock.
- I'm cornfused.
- Why are we in a hospital? And why don't I have a show on Adult Swim? And why are we in a hospital? Chuck didn't get along with his mom, and you have new information.
So we're here to give her closure.
Meet Chuck's mom.
Oh, no.
[COUGHING] Oh, she's really sick.
Hi, Mrs.
You're gonna be the second member of your family I watch die.
Julie, please.
You were with my Chuck? What were his last words? They were, "Tell my mother I forgive her.
" The last words he said to me were, "I'll never forgive you.
" Yeah, well, I don't know what to tell you, lady.
That's what he said.
If Chuckles had to die falling down a flight of stairs, at least he was in the company of his lover and, yes, on a night his beloved Yankees won.
I remember.
He was so happy about those Yankees winning the ball game.
Anyway, closure, closure.
What a wonderful thing.
Okay, bye! Hold on! Chuck hated the Yankees almost as much as he hated redheads! Plus, it was Christmas Eve.
There are no baseball games on Christmas Eve.
Julie, what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on! This cunt murdered my son! ARTHUR: Gaby, I'm sorry to drag you here in the middle of the night, but I found out something very disturbing.
Every Viewer Like You lives at the same address.
So I went there in the dead of night, and you'll never believe who lives there.
- Larry the Cable Guy.
- Larry the Cable Guy.
You knew? Everyone knows Viewers Like You is a pseudonym for Larry the Cable Guy.
- We just don't talk about it.
- Why the secret? I think people should know what a hero he is.
Wrong! Our fans don't want to know Larry the Cable Guy is behind PBS any more than his fans want to know how passionate he is about importing British television shows.
Now, are you gonna forget all about this? Yes! Yes.
- I mean, forget what? - That's right, kitty cat.
You play dumb.
One more.
Now get the fuck out! Okay.
[TENSE MUSIC] Matthew? I got home, and I realized I left some shoes [GASPS] [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] [WHIMPERS] [BOTH GASP] [BOTH GASP] [BOTH SCREAM] [BOTH GASP] [BOTH BLOW RASPBERRY] [BOTH HISS] - Oh! - You! - Enough! - Oh, my God! My mirror's talking to me! - I am not a mirror.
- I am Marilyn! I am not a mirror.
I am Marilyn! BOTH: Stop.
Are you really so stupid, you don't realize this isn't a mirror? This is so silly! Matthew, you explain this to me.
[SIGHS] You see, after Lola yelled at me, I needed a new drag persona.
And I couldn't just make one up.
I was born without an imagination.
So, Marilyn, meet Dr.
So you've just been pretending to be interested in me so you could steal my identity for your selfish little purposes.
Shame on you! [SIGHS] How can I make it up to you? Trust has to be earned, dear.
But you could start by telling me how cousin Ponytail preserved Jib Jab's eyeballs in her famous homemade formaldehyde stew.
I'm no closer to falling asleep.
I memorized the whole.
McDonaldland characters Wikipedia.
Do you know, in 1974, they cut off two of Grimace's arms.
- Oh, yeah, I knew that.
- Oh.
And I've now been on Instagram so long, I just found my Airbnb-ers.
Oh, my God.
- They're nudists! - What? - Oh, my God, they're nudists! - They're nudists! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! He's using my remote to cover his dick! Oh, nudists are worse than swingers because their lifestyle isn't sexual! And now they're rubbing their balls and their labia flaps all over every conceivable surface of my apartment.
Listen, we can't sleep anyway.
Let's get those fuckers out of your apartment.
- God, German nudists! - Ugh! Let me screen grab his dick, though.
I'm telling you guys, for the last time, I did not kill Chuck! - Your facts kept changing.
- Your timeline is off.
I'm gonna call the police.
- No, don't! - Listen, okay, I I just wanted to be happy with you guys again, okay? I I never even met Chuck.
I just said that I fucked him because I was "yes, and" -ing.
How dare you use improv terminology to cover up a homicide? You're a murderer! No one would be so awful as to lie to a dead man's dying mother just to get attention from an old improv group! NICKY: Hey! Shut up! Yo! You're that pregnant bitch that threw me down a flight of stairs.
I'll explain that one in a minute.
Wait a second.
You're pregnant and you're smoking pot? No, I No, wait.
See? I couldn't have been with Chuck on Christmas Eve of 2000.
I was on a Disney cruise with my mother! No one in their 20s goes on a Disney cruise with their mother.
Check the time stamp.
She's not lying.
So Chuck didn't forgive me? This was all a lie? You are a monster! [SOBBING] Oh, my God! - No, don't touch! - No, no, don't! - Oh, my goodness! - No, no, don't do that.
Don't do that.
It's okay.
No, no, no, no.
I hope you roast in hell, you fucking loser! [UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC] Billy, I've made a decision.
I am done with "yes, and" -ing.
I'm more of a "no, but" girl.
Well, not a no-butt girl.
More like a flat-butt girl.
Flat and wide.
You know those potato rolls that come all stuck together? Yeah, I've got, like, four of those behind me, sometimes six.
Billy, found another pube in the breakfast nook.
Julie, I got pubes in the nook, and the Swiffer ain't doin' it.
I gotta go.
JULIE: No, no, no, wait.
Let me describe my ass more.
MAN: Ah! [FOXY SHAZAM'S "BOMBS AWAY"] MAN: Hear the sun crashing down from the sky Darkness crawls, coming in from all sides That's it, I quit And all the targets have been hit Our home, our vine We'll all have vengeance time Bombs away Bo-o-ombs away One, two, three, four! WOMAN: La, la, la, la.
Oh, my God.