Dilbert (1999) s01e01 Episode Script

The Name

I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30.
I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes.
Can you find the pattern here? I had the egg dream again.
"I, I, I.
" What do you think an egg dream means? Mmm, probably an omen.
A good omen? How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt? There only has to be one.
Hey, that's my bathroom.
I didn't know you had your own toothbrush, Ratbert.
Why would I need my own toothbrush? Good morning, shower.
Good morning, Dilbert.
Don't you do enough engineering at work? Work is just meetings.
This is engineering.
If this works, someday all showers will be voice-activated.
Is it that hard to turn the knobs? It's not that it's hard.
It's unnecessary.
Heh-heh.
Nice try.
But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
You think of everything.
I'm cautious.
That's why you had training wheels on your bike until your were 17.
I was 14! Don't do that! Where'd you get the voice for that? It sounds like the computer from that stupid movie What was it? Something, something, A Space Odyssey? It wasn't something, something, A Space Odyssey.
It was 2001: A Space On the plus side, you look very clean.
Ooh, ah, oh, chee! Are we sticking with our ban on useless greetings? Yes.
Yes.
Just checking.
Wally.
Yes? Push the button.
Why? Just because I'm standing near them?! Yes.
I pushed the button yesterday.
Wally, do what Alice says.
Now why should I do- Ow! I had the egg dream again last night.
I've often said there's nothing more interesting than hearing about someone's dream.
Eggs- you're not the first engineer to have that dream.
You, too? No, I'm sane.
Old Jack Cooper had that dream.
Right before he turned into The Chicken Man.
It's impossible to turn into a chicken.
A chicken, yes.
But chicken man- that can happen.
What happened to Jack Cooper? He was an engineer.
Much like you.
Until they put him in charge of a project.
The frustration started building up.
He started having the egg dream.
He'd stand up during meetings all agitated And he'd wave his arms around like a chicken.
What project was he working on? That's the thing.
No one could agree on the project name.
That's what got him.
What happened? I think he's with the circus.
Poor clucker.
Thank you for calling.
Please dial your password and press "pound.
" You have 937 messages All of which are marked "Urgent.
" First urgent message: This is Ted.
I'm just calling to tell you I sent you some e-mail.
Well, that's all.
Ugh.
All messages deleted.
Jeez, the network is slow today.
Too slow.
Oh, no.
Is it? Yes.
Nothing but resumes.
People are bailing out.
There must be a problem with our new flagship product.
Ah, the herbal throat lozenges? I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not an herb.
No, you didn't.
I was thinking it pretty hard.
Ooh, some poor marketing executive will have to take the fall for this one.
Bob, you made quite a mess with the herbal lozenges product line.
Don't believe everything you read in all the major news outlets.
Try one.
Mmm, worth a shot.
Bob, you're like a son to me.
You don't have a son.
That's where I'm headed here.
Ooh.
Now, this isn't easy for either of us.
But I have to ask you to take your huge executive severance package and go find a higher-paying job at another company.
This is barbaric! I've given my soul to this company.
I've heard a rumor! Shh! Shh! Ow, ow, ow! I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I've heard a rumor our lozenges product wiped out a town! I can't believe it! Those lozenges were made of natural ingredients! We can see the devastation.
But how does this make you feel? My throat is moist.
And the raspiness is gone.
Back to you.
He's always late.
What's he doing that's more important than us? Wuh-oh.
Drawer's almost full.
I'll need a new desk.
Hey, Alice.
Looky! So what's life like in your village, Tong Nee? And tell me everything.
I'm not paying for the call.
Well, troops, I assume you've all been informed about the problems with our flagship product.
What? Not me.
There's no point in killing a dead horse.
You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.
Why would anyone beat a dead horse? Why would anyone kill a dead horse? Maybe it'd kick you.
It's dead! And so is every customer who used our flagship product.
Now We have a warehouse filled with lethal lozenges we are currently converting for usage in ancillary markets.
Buttons Coinage Teddy bear eyes.
The point is, we all must embrace change.
No, that is very bad.
We don't like that.
Well, we have to make up for the revenue shortfall and there are only two ways to do that: Create a new product or make massive, painful budget cuts.
Let's make a new product! That is exactly my plan.
Ooh, I love a plan.
Excellent plan.
Phase one: We need a name for the product.
Uh that's actually the last step.
You've got the transparencies out of order.
He doesn't like being corrected.
Now he must do something terrible to you.
Something to teach us all a lesson.
Dilbert I'd like you to take the lead on this project.
Step one: the name.
The name is the last thing you do.
Oh, use some common sense, son.
If you don't know something's name how do you know what to build? Focus groups.
Market research.
Detailed user specifications.
And the na-a-a-me.
Do you think the guy who invented the mousepad started with the name? What's a mousepad? Feminine protection for mice.
Oop! If we don't know what the product is we'll never agree on its name.
we'll have meeting after meeting after meeting.
Everyone will want to have input Because input is much easier than doing real work.
The only way we'll ever get that many people to agree is luck! Luck, luck, luck.
Oh, that's not a good sign.
I am not the Chicken Man.
I'll get you a name.
Anyway, it's better than massive, painful budget cuts.
Actually, we're doing that too.
It's being announced right now.
I got your budget cuts right here.
We expect some looting.
Maybe you people can just sit here while this happens! But not me! How hard can it be to name a product? That Jack Cooper just didn't have what it takes.
That happens to be the best way to stomp out a fire.
Dilbert help.
I've been shot.
I've been shot.
I've been shot.
I have a few problems of my own, you know.
Yeah, I heard about the name thing.
That's a drag.
I'm okay.
Everything's okay.
Things could be worse.
Oh, my God! Why don't you call your product the Vectralux 9000? Why would I call it that? I'm just trying to help.
I know it's hard for you to come up with a name what with your poor verbal skills.
There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills.
It only seems that way because my math skills are so high.
There's no reason to get all nuswartic about this.
He's more pultaceous than nuswartic.
Whatever that means- I am not.
There, there.
I know what you're doing.
Your Scrabble mind games will not work on me.
It's all very muldipulous if you ask me.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh Why don't you call your product The Gruntmaster 6000? What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000? Well, it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000, of course.
But it's software-upgradeable.
Can we just play? All right then, standard Scrabble rules apply.
No kicking, biting or slapping.
No projectiles of any kind.
Name-calling? Only on your own turn.
"It.
" Give me four big ones, you wrinkled toad.
Yes! Yes! It? that's not a word.
I challenge.
You challenge "it?" Give me the dictionary.
What kind of stupid dictionary is this? Wibster's? I think it's the one your company makes.
That would explain it.
Explain "it"? What's an "it"? "Quixotic.
" That's triple word score Plus 50 for using all seven letters Q and the X.
That's Whoa! Whoo! Whoo! Yes! In your face, math boy.
I am so tired of seeing that dance.
"Quizzing.
" That's 188.
I'm pretty sure Scrabble only has one Z.
That's the kind of thinking that allowed you to lose Thank you all for coming.
Especially those of you who weren't invited and have no reason to be here.
Sure, no big deal.
No problem.
Whatever.
To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.
He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen! Recommendation Downsize the loud guy.
I take it back! Anyone else want a piece of me? As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.
Competent? How are we going to compete with that? There's still plenty of names left in the area of Greek mythology, bodily secretions, diseases and everything involving intestines.
I like all of those things.
Remember, the first rule of brainstorming is to openly mock the opinions of others.
I thought it was the other way around.
Swift.
Let's start with you accounting guys.
Walter's good at this creative stuff.
He just named his baby.
How is Walter Jr.
? She's fine.
Thanks for asking.
Well, that was a dry hole.
Do we have anyone here from Marketing? Lie to me! Our next upgrade will solve the problem.
Uh-huh-hoo! I like the sound of it but how do you spell "uh-huh-hoo"? Walter has a name for the product.
How about Ford? Hmm, that seems to be taken by the Ford Motor Company! Maybe Ford will sell the name.
Everyone has a price.
You're not allowed to talk anymore.
How about something from the disease category? They can't all be that bad.
How about seborrhea? I like the sound of it.
Seborrhea Seborrrrrrhea.
That's not a disease.
It's a condition.
It doesn't have to be a disease.
Let's stay focused.
Diseases, secretions, Greeks.
How about Sisyphus? The guy who pushed a rock up a hill for eternity? That fits this project.
Hmm, I like it.
It conveys a sense of playfulness.
It's supposed to convey a sense of futility.
You have to look at it from the rock's point of view.
How about toe fungus? That's a disease.
Cellulite cellula cellulex.
And when you take your sock off and you can still see the indent on your ankle Is that called anything? That's it! I can't take it anymore! I will not turn into the Chicken Man.
Pick a name, any name.
Here Acorn.
Acorn, okay? That's the name.
I know it's taken but it's just a little mom-and-pop dry cleaners.
We can buy their name.
Okay then, buy it.
We'll present it to my boss next week.
I feel the curse of the Chicken Man lifting already.
Now all you need is a second name to present at the same time- A really bad name.
Why do we need a second? It's a decoy.
Always give your boss two choices.
One to reject, one to approve.
It creates the illusion of leadership.
You always bring me two choices.
For you, both choices are always real.
Oh All right, we need a decoy name that's plausible, yet frighteningly bad.
Hmm, how about salmonella in honor of rooster boy here? Can I speak with the owner? Why? So you can make false accusations about us wearing customers' clothing to sporting events? I defy you to prove it.
No, I- You don't scare me, you potato-shaped bully.
You four-eyed, tall-foreheaded, short-pants man.
I'm not here to complain.
Oh, well, we're not French.
Why do you talk- Because we're rude.
It just sounds better with a French accent.
So, what do you want? My company would like to buy the name Acorn.
We'll pay Never! Acorn was our only son's nickname.
It is not for sale as long as this store still stands.
I need that name.
Leave the premises now or I will be forced to call the strip mall security guard who, although old and feeble will whip you and beat you without mercy until you sing campfire songs in the voice of a little girl.
Thanks for all your help.
The Acorn Dry Cleaners won't last forever.
Just let nature take its course.
Nature? How long will that take? Hmm, not long.
I'm part of nature.
Would you like to try a vibrating chair? Get out of my way, you pervert.
Will you be sitting down in any of these? No, I'm going to run for it and you might want to do the same.
Sweet mother of God! Remind me to never negotiate with you.
Ah, am I late? Right on time, sir.
Oh, in that case, I've got time to make some phone calls.
That is so rude.
Am I late now? Yes, but it's not because you're an inconsiderate dolt.
It's because you're more important than us.
All right, so, what do you have for me? We need your approval for the name Wait.
The smell of fresh ficus- It transports me back to my youth.
Summers in the Catskill Mountains.
Settle in.
This could be a long one.
Ah we'd all go to Turtle Pond to swim and laugh and play games amongst the wild ficus.
One day tragedy struck.
A turtle made off with my trunks.
I stayed in the water as long as I could but the water was cold.
Soon A crowd formed.
They gave me a nickname on the spot- One that still haunts me.
Acorn.
My awful, non-French parents even named their dry cleaning store Acorn.
But that's all in the past.
What do you have for me? We just need your approval on our next product name.
Salmonella.
Salmonella? I like it.
What? Nothing.
No.
What's my other choice? People usually give me two choices.
Ah Seborrhea.
Isn't that a disease? It's a condition.
I like the first one.
By this time next year I want every person in the country to be driving a Salmonella.
It's not necessarily a car.
It's not? Then why are we giving it a car name? What else do you have? How about The Gruntmaster? The Gruntmaster.
I don't know.
It's missing something.
Gruntmaster 6000.
That's it.
Less features than the Gruntmaster 9000 but just as fun.
Good work, Dilbert.
Wait.
Do I detect the faint odor of chicken? Did you come up with a name for your product? It's a long story.
Gruntmaster 6000.
Really? That doesn't sound like a long story.
It is a long story.
I made a suggestion, you took it.
Not so long.
There was a lot more.
We had meetings and pre-meetings and a dancing acorn- Burned a strip mall and I almost turned into a chicken.
And then you used my suggestion Gruntmaster 6000.
Whose turn is it? You know what I must do now, don't you? Oh, no.
Please, don't.