Dilbert (1999) s02e15 Episode Script
Company Picnic
I'm sure you all remember the disaster at last year's picnic when our wieners turned out to be defective.
I almost lost an eye.
But the buns were excellent.
Yes, they were.
But, this year, we can't rest on our buns, no matter how plump and delicious they might be.
You will not make this a hostile work environment.
Good Lord, man, why don't you just rub steak sauce on my body and drag me from the back of a fishing boat? Does anyone know what Wally's talking about? Well, I'm no expert on psychopaths, but I'd say he's afraid of the annual marketing-versus-engineering softball game.
It's that time of year when we sporty people in marketing give you engineers your annual lesson in humility.
Are you actually proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel at the picnicking arts? I don't think I'm telling tales out of school- and by "school" I mean our fine local community colleges- when I say abso-positively.
That means "yes.
" While you were learning to crush beer cans on your foreheads, we future engineers were developing our minds.
Uh, I'm not following you.
Me neither.
Something about beer.
Forget it.
I think it's safe to say that the Marketgurus will clean the field with you losers for the 10th year in a row.
Not this year, my friend.
The Crapulets rule.
Can we get a new name for our team? I hate being a Crapulet.
You got any better ideas? No.
That's settled.
Now, let's make some wiener-related decisions.
Do we want chicken or beef? Both very expensive and allowing no budget for beer.
Or a new, low-cost alternative that I own stock in called "Zoo-No-More.
" I like that last one.
Good choice.
Now, how do we want them cooked? I apologize for my tardiness, but there was a fire in one of the research labs.
Would someone please extinguish me? What is it with you young interns? It's always "me, me, me.
" How about being a team player just once in your life? Sit down, Asok, we have important work here.
May I roll around on the carpet first? Yes, but it counts as vacation time.
I am only an intern.
I have so few vacation days.
I guess it doesn't hurt that much.
Can we get this over with? That aroma of burning flesh is making me hungry.
Me too.
Hold on.
Am I the only one who isn't crazy about hot dogs made from old zebra meat? Don't forget about that silky, shiny, mouthwatering zebra coat.
Guess so.
Vern Wegman.
He was captain of the only engineering team that ever beat marketing at softball.
How is that even possible? It was the year they used an electronic scoreboard.
Vern rigged it.
They won by the score of 162 to 159, despite the fact no engineer ever got on base.
Hey, you're letting the cold in.
You're alive.
I retired.
I didn't die, you nitwit.
Read the little sign.
"Vern Wegman.
"Left the company in 1982 "and is now employed as his own bust several inches from this sign.
" Why would you agree to do this? Apparently, you haven't looked at your pension plan too closely.
I made the same mistake at your age.
Now I'm getting paid $2.
00 an hour and I'm glad to have it.
Tell us about the day you beat marketing.
Press this button.
Never mind.
I got it.
It started as just another softball game between marketing and engineering.
In the later innings, as was their custom, the marketing team was ricocheting their home runs off the heads of the opposing team.
In times like these, sometimes heroes are born.
Vern Wegman was just such a hero.
I get goose bumps during this part.
Vern rigged the electronic scoreboard so he could control it remotely.
He was an unscrupulous, uncoordinated, cheating weasel.
In a word, he was a hero.
Didn't you feel guilty cheating? You know how you still have a shred of self-respect? Yes.
You'll get over it.
I don't think I will.
You'd better.
I know you're all afraid of being humiliated by the marketing-department softball team.
But, remember, you have a secret weapon.
What is it? You have me as your player-coach.
We'll start with some infield practice.
Ball one! What's he doing? I think he's going for the walk.
Way to go! I think we need a new player-coach, preferably someone who isn't a total Wally.
What exactly do you mean by that? We use your name as a pejorative now.
You do? Yeah, you know, as in: "He's a total Wally," or, "I've got to take a Wally.
" That sort of thing.
Hmm It's catchy.
I think I know the perfect player-coach for us.
So, what do you think, coach? I think I have my work cut out for me.
Listen up.
We'll start with the basics.
Hitting a baseball is the most difficult thing in all of sports.
But, getting hit by a pitch is the easiest.
In this drill, you'll learn how to stand directly on the plate.
Ooh! Good.
Next time, try running toward the pitcher in anger.
It's much more convincing.
This is slow-pitch softball.
I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch.
Let's hope the other team doesn't know that rule.
Ooh! Ice.
You've got to stay hydrated, and by "you," I mean "me.
" I've assessed your abilities and assigned positions.
Wally, you're second base.
I don't know how to play second base.
It's easy.
Just wear white canvas clothing and lie on the ground for nine innings.
I can do that.
Asok, there's some confusion over whether you're right-handed or left-handed.
Uhh Throw me the ball with your right hand.
Now the left hand.
None of the above.
I'm putting you on first base.
My catching talent isn't anything to e-mail home about either.
Well, just stand there with your arms slightly away from your side.
We might just get lucky and wedge one in there.
Very good.
Alice, we're a little shorthanded, so you're playing catcher and center fielder at the same time.
It's always the woman who has to work twice as hard.
Pointy-haired boss, you're on the hot corner.
Dilbert, you'll be pitching.
Okay, good pitching always beats good hitting.
Although I realize it's meaningless unless the term "good" is defined in both cases.
And, even then, it's only a matter of likelihood not a sure thing.
In fact, I don't even know why I said it.
Can crappy pitching beat good hitting too? I don't think so.
Oh.
Ah, Dilbert, our star pitcher.
Did I mention that your career depends on us winning the softball game against marketing? Why are you putting all the pressure on me? I'm just one player.
You're the pitcher.
Good pitching always always BEATS GOOD HITTING.
You said so yourself.
But it's not accurate.
It's just something people say.
Well, they couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
Yes, they could.
You lie to us every day.
Oh, that's not lying, that's managing.
Studies have shown there's a big difference.
What studies? You know, studies.
Various ones.
You're managing me right now, aren't you? See? Wally understands.
Ooh.
This is disgusting.
Can't you at least pretend NOT TO LOOK? That's like holding in a sneeze.
You could crack a rib.
She must be new in engineering.
That's impossible.
There are no attractive women in engineering.
What are you talking about? Look at me.
I can no longer see your physical beauty, Alice.
It's overwhelmed by uh your professional competence.
Oh I guess that's all right.
Hi.
I'm from marketing.
I hope you don't mind me drinking the coffee in the engineering break room.
You mind us looking at you? No.
Help yourself.
Walk's as good as a hit.
I mind.
That gets charged against your cost center.
My name is Juliet.
What's yours? My what? Your name.
I'm- I'm Dilbert, and this is I forget.
And this is It doesn't matter.
I'm just fine.
And you? I'm mortified.
Well, that's an unusual name for an unusual woman.
It's not my name, but thank you.
Now I'm all confused.
I guess I'll see you at the company picnic.
I guess you will.
It was very nice to meet you, Dilbert.
Forget her, Dilbert.
It'll never work.
What do you mean, "Dilbert"? She was flirting with me.
You think it can't work because she's in marketing.
That's only the half of it.
She's going to see you play softball.
You're right.
Not only will she see how uncoordinated you are, but she will also see you in shorts.
This isn't good.
I'd love to chat, but I have to go down to the wiener district to buy some meat for the picnic.
There's a wiener district? Too rich for my blood.
No too expensive.
This one looks about right.
Psst! Hey, buddy only suckers pay retail.
I don't want to be a sucker.
Best prices, best selection in all of wiener town.
How do I know they're good? Can I borrow your pen? If they weren't good, would I do this? Ooh Are you sure this is what athletes are wearing now? You said you didn't want your legs to show.
I'm just trying to help.
It's important, because Juliet will be seeing me outside the office for the first time.
Sounds like you have a zone-of-competence problem.
A what? Women are only impressed by men who excel at whatever they're doing.
It's an evolution thing.
In your case, that means engineering.
If she sees you outside of engineering, you'll look like a wounded gazelle who needs to be thinned from the herd.
Man, I wish we were debugging source code instead.
At least you look great- thanks to me.
You're positive this is what everyone is wearing for workouts? The stores are full of them.
This might actually be fun.
I know I'm planning to enjoy it.
Hey.
Is it my imagination or are people staring at me? You're wearing new sneakers, right? Yes.
Yeah, that's probably why.
Yes! I get to break the news.
Hey, guys.
Ready for the big game? Wally has something to tell you.
Wait.
I must capture this moment.
It is my duty- nay, my privilege- nay, just a guilty pleasure- to inform you that you are wearing women's clothing.
What? The outfit, the getup- it's a woman's exercise outfit.
Looks like a girl! We should call him "Girlbert.
" Can I take one more, for safety? I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes.
I meant everyone who's a woman.
I might have left that part out.
Gosh! Now what am I going to do? I can't take the field looking like this.
Calm down.
I have a spare set of shorts in my picnic basket.
You can wear those over your thong.
I'll never be able to run in these.
Just tighten the belt and tie the legs tight.
You'll be fine.
Hi, Juliet.
Remember me? We shared a coffee stirrer.
I brought it with me in case you need it again.
Um Thank you.
That was, um sweet.
It was weird, is what it was.
She's not your type, Shakespeare.
Just move along.
There's no law that says engineers can't date women from marketing.
It's more complicated than that, Dilbert.
I'm a Marketguru.
You're a Crapulet.
Our work groups would never understand.
But we can get past that.
Juliet, I have you playing 2B.
"2B"? That means "second base.
" Stay away from her.
You've been warned.
I'll be playing 2B.
If you make it that far, we can talk there.
Second base? No engineer has ever gotten that far.
Softball is outside my zone of competence.
You have to for us.
"For us.
" I'll make it.
Juliet! I have to go.
That is the question.
I didn't have time to buy buns, but I think you'll find this just as good.
Throw me one of those.
Hey, give me a hot dog.
Bring on the organ meats, Pops.
Settle down.
We've got enough for everyone.
MEN: Me! Me! I'll see you on second base.
I'll count the minutes.
That is it, you stinking Crapulet! En garde! Dilbert! That would've looked so impressive.
Nice try, though.
Dilbert! Let that be a lesson to you, Crapulet.
Never try to date a Marketguru.
The key to this game is to demoralize them from the start.
Center field! I got it! They're not as demoralized as I had hoped.
Dilbert, you're leadoff.
According to my research, the leadoff batter should be the player most likely to get on base.
Exactly.
Huh? Uh-oh.
You hit the batter.
He gets first base.
I hit his pants, not him.
Pants are part of the player.
Oh, man.
Yay! I will be with you soon, my love.
Give Dilbert the signal to steal second.
Dilbert! Steal second! I meant the hand signal.
Oh! You run second base! I hope they don't steal our signals.
Soon, we will be together.
What's wrong with? Dilbert, this is your chance.
Yay! Yay! Yay! That's our Dilbert! I wonder if it was something they ate.
Probably the potato salad.
Juliet You're okay.
It must've been the hot dogs.
I think they were bad.
I'm so glad.
You're the only person in marketing who didn't eat them.
Oh, I wish that were true.
No! We'll take her to the hospital with the others and pump her stomach.
But when she gets reunited with the others, they'll keep us apart.
I can't let that happen.
I won't.
There's nothing you can do about it, Romeo.
We'll see about that.
Hey! Oh, no.
Look, I've got food poisoning too.
You have to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach.
We'd like to share an ambulance.
Well, I guess that would be okay.
I can't believe you fell for that joke.
I didn't eat the hot dogs.
I was just kidding around with you.
You even have a sense of humor.
I love you more than ever.
Wow You really ate a poisoned hot dog just to be with me.
That is so sweet.
Incredibly stupid, but sweet.
Really stupid.
The stupidity far outweighs the sweetness.
But the craziest part about this is that it was still the best date I ever had.
That only took 15 minutes.
They're very good.
The whole thing was only 19.
95.
You didn't take any of the extras, did you? That's how they get you.
I was very thirsty.
Uh-oh.
You know, they don't have water fountains in that place.
They sold me a glass of ginger ale for $3,000, but it was worth it.
I really miss Juliet.
I think she really liked me.
"Like" is a strong word.
It's possible.
You like me.
You fill a special place in my life.
In your heart? On the couch.
Your head blocks the light from the lamp so it doesn't get in my eyes.
I almost lost an eye.
But the buns were excellent.
Yes, they were.
But, this year, we can't rest on our buns, no matter how plump and delicious they might be.
You will not make this a hostile work environment.
Good Lord, man, why don't you just rub steak sauce on my body and drag me from the back of a fishing boat? Does anyone know what Wally's talking about? Well, I'm no expert on psychopaths, but I'd say he's afraid of the annual marketing-versus-engineering softball game.
It's that time of year when we sporty people in marketing give you engineers your annual lesson in humility.
Are you actually proud of the fact that you spent your youth guzzling beer and playing sports just so you could excel at the picnicking arts? I don't think I'm telling tales out of school- and by "school" I mean our fine local community colleges- when I say abso-positively.
That means "yes.
" While you were learning to crush beer cans on your foreheads, we future engineers were developing our minds.
Uh, I'm not following you.
Me neither.
Something about beer.
Forget it.
I think it's safe to say that the Marketgurus will clean the field with you losers for the 10th year in a row.
Not this year, my friend.
The Crapulets rule.
Can we get a new name for our team? I hate being a Crapulet.
You got any better ideas? No.
That's settled.
Now, let's make some wiener-related decisions.
Do we want chicken or beef? Both very expensive and allowing no budget for beer.
Or a new, low-cost alternative that I own stock in called "Zoo-No-More.
" I like that last one.
Good choice.
Now, how do we want them cooked? I apologize for my tardiness, but there was a fire in one of the research labs.
Would someone please extinguish me? What is it with you young interns? It's always "me, me, me.
" How about being a team player just once in your life? Sit down, Asok, we have important work here.
May I roll around on the carpet first? Yes, but it counts as vacation time.
I am only an intern.
I have so few vacation days.
I guess it doesn't hurt that much.
Can we get this over with? That aroma of burning flesh is making me hungry.
Me too.
Hold on.
Am I the only one who isn't crazy about hot dogs made from old zebra meat? Don't forget about that silky, shiny, mouthwatering zebra coat.
Guess so.
Vern Wegman.
He was captain of the only engineering team that ever beat marketing at softball.
How is that even possible? It was the year they used an electronic scoreboard.
Vern rigged it.
They won by the score of 162 to 159, despite the fact no engineer ever got on base.
Hey, you're letting the cold in.
You're alive.
I retired.
I didn't die, you nitwit.
Read the little sign.
"Vern Wegman.
"Left the company in 1982 "and is now employed as his own bust several inches from this sign.
" Why would you agree to do this? Apparently, you haven't looked at your pension plan too closely.
I made the same mistake at your age.
Now I'm getting paid $2.
00 an hour and I'm glad to have it.
Tell us about the day you beat marketing.
Press this button.
Never mind.
I got it.
It started as just another softball game between marketing and engineering.
In the later innings, as was their custom, the marketing team was ricocheting their home runs off the heads of the opposing team.
In times like these, sometimes heroes are born.
Vern Wegman was just such a hero.
I get goose bumps during this part.
Vern rigged the electronic scoreboard so he could control it remotely.
He was an unscrupulous, uncoordinated, cheating weasel.
In a word, he was a hero.
Didn't you feel guilty cheating? You know how you still have a shred of self-respect? Yes.
You'll get over it.
I don't think I will.
You'd better.
I know you're all afraid of being humiliated by the marketing-department softball team.
But, remember, you have a secret weapon.
What is it? You have me as your player-coach.
We'll start with some infield practice.
Ball one! What's he doing? I think he's going for the walk.
Way to go! I think we need a new player-coach, preferably someone who isn't a total Wally.
What exactly do you mean by that? We use your name as a pejorative now.
You do? Yeah, you know, as in: "He's a total Wally," or, "I've got to take a Wally.
" That sort of thing.
Hmm It's catchy.
I think I know the perfect player-coach for us.
So, what do you think, coach? I think I have my work cut out for me.
Listen up.
We'll start with the basics.
Hitting a baseball is the most difficult thing in all of sports.
But, getting hit by a pitch is the easiest.
In this drill, you'll learn how to stand directly on the plate.
Ooh! Good.
Next time, try running toward the pitcher in anger.
It's much more convincing.
This is slow-pitch softball.
I'm pretty sure you don't get on base if you get hit by a pitch.
Let's hope the other team doesn't know that rule.
Ooh! Ice.
You've got to stay hydrated, and by "you," I mean "me.
" I've assessed your abilities and assigned positions.
Wally, you're second base.
I don't know how to play second base.
It's easy.
Just wear white canvas clothing and lie on the ground for nine innings.
I can do that.
Asok, there's some confusion over whether you're right-handed or left-handed.
Uhh Throw me the ball with your right hand.
Now the left hand.
None of the above.
I'm putting you on first base.
My catching talent isn't anything to e-mail home about either.
Well, just stand there with your arms slightly away from your side.
We might just get lucky and wedge one in there.
Very good.
Alice, we're a little shorthanded, so you're playing catcher and center fielder at the same time.
It's always the woman who has to work twice as hard.
Pointy-haired boss, you're on the hot corner.
Dilbert, you'll be pitching.
Okay, good pitching always beats good hitting.
Although I realize it's meaningless unless the term "good" is defined in both cases.
And, even then, it's only a matter of likelihood not a sure thing.
In fact, I don't even know why I said it.
Can crappy pitching beat good hitting too? I don't think so.
Oh.
Ah, Dilbert, our star pitcher.
Did I mention that your career depends on us winning the softball game against marketing? Why are you putting all the pressure on me? I'm just one player.
You're the pitcher.
Good pitching always always BEATS GOOD HITTING.
You said so yourself.
But it's not accurate.
It's just something people say.
Well, they couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
Yes, they could.
You lie to us every day.
Oh, that's not lying, that's managing.
Studies have shown there's a big difference.
What studies? You know, studies.
Various ones.
You're managing me right now, aren't you? See? Wally understands.
Ooh.
This is disgusting.
Can't you at least pretend NOT TO LOOK? That's like holding in a sneeze.
You could crack a rib.
She must be new in engineering.
That's impossible.
There are no attractive women in engineering.
What are you talking about? Look at me.
I can no longer see your physical beauty, Alice.
It's overwhelmed by uh your professional competence.
Oh I guess that's all right.
Hi.
I'm from marketing.
I hope you don't mind me drinking the coffee in the engineering break room.
You mind us looking at you? No.
Help yourself.
Walk's as good as a hit.
I mind.
That gets charged against your cost center.
My name is Juliet.
What's yours? My what? Your name.
I'm- I'm Dilbert, and this is I forget.
And this is It doesn't matter.
I'm just fine.
And you? I'm mortified.
Well, that's an unusual name for an unusual woman.
It's not my name, but thank you.
Now I'm all confused.
I guess I'll see you at the company picnic.
I guess you will.
It was very nice to meet you, Dilbert.
Forget her, Dilbert.
It'll never work.
What do you mean, "Dilbert"? She was flirting with me.
You think it can't work because she's in marketing.
That's only the half of it.
She's going to see you play softball.
You're right.
Not only will she see how uncoordinated you are, but she will also see you in shorts.
This isn't good.
I'd love to chat, but I have to go down to the wiener district to buy some meat for the picnic.
There's a wiener district? Too rich for my blood.
No too expensive.
This one looks about right.
Psst! Hey, buddy only suckers pay retail.
I don't want to be a sucker.
Best prices, best selection in all of wiener town.
How do I know they're good? Can I borrow your pen? If they weren't good, would I do this? Ooh Are you sure this is what athletes are wearing now? You said you didn't want your legs to show.
I'm just trying to help.
It's important, because Juliet will be seeing me outside the office for the first time.
Sounds like you have a zone-of-competence problem.
A what? Women are only impressed by men who excel at whatever they're doing.
It's an evolution thing.
In your case, that means engineering.
If she sees you outside of engineering, you'll look like a wounded gazelle who needs to be thinned from the herd.
Man, I wish we were debugging source code instead.
At least you look great- thanks to me.
You're positive this is what everyone is wearing for workouts? The stores are full of them.
This might actually be fun.
I know I'm planning to enjoy it.
Hey.
Is it my imagination or are people staring at me? You're wearing new sneakers, right? Yes.
Yeah, that's probably why.
Yes! I get to break the news.
Hey, guys.
Ready for the big game? Wally has something to tell you.
Wait.
I must capture this moment.
It is my duty- nay, my privilege- nay, just a guilty pleasure- to inform you that you are wearing women's clothing.
What? The outfit, the getup- it's a woman's exercise outfit.
Looks like a girl! We should call him "Girlbert.
" Can I take one more, for safety? I thought you said everyone was wearing these clothes.
I meant everyone who's a woman.
I might have left that part out.
Gosh! Now what am I going to do? I can't take the field looking like this.
Calm down.
I have a spare set of shorts in my picnic basket.
You can wear those over your thong.
I'll never be able to run in these.
Just tighten the belt and tie the legs tight.
You'll be fine.
Hi, Juliet.
Remember me? We shared a coffee stirrer.
I brought it with me in case you need it again.
Um Thank you.
That was, um sweet.
It was weird, is what it was.
She's not your type, Shakespeare.
Just move along.
There's no law that says engineers can't date women from marketing.
It's more complicated than that, Dilbert.
I'm a Marketguru.
You're a Crapulet.
Our work groups would never understand.
But we can get past that.
Juliet, I have you playing 2B.
"2B"? That means "second base.
" Stay away from her.
You've been warned.
I'll be playing 2B.
If you make it that far, we can talk there.
Second base? No engineer has ever gotten that far.
Softball is outside my zone of competence.
You have to for us.
"For us.
" I'll make it.
Juliet! I have to go.
That is the question.
I didn't have time to buy buns, but I think you'll find this just as good.
Throw me one of those.
Hey, give me a hot dog.
Bring on the organ meats, Pops.
Settle down.
We've got enough for everyone.
MEN: Me! Me! I'll see you on second base.
I'll count the minutes.
That is it, you stinking Crapulet! En garde! Dilbert! That would've looked so impressive.
Nice try, though.
Dilbert! Let that be a lesson to you, Crapulet.
Never try to date a Marketguru.
The key to this game is to demoralize them from the start.
Center field! I got it! They're not as demoralized as I had hoped.
Dilbert, you're leadoff.
According to my research, the leadoff batter should be the player most likely to get on base.
Exactly.
Huh? Uh-oh.
You hit the batter.
He gets first base.
I hit his pants, not him.
Pants are part of the player.
Oh, man.
Yay! I will be with you soon, my love.
Give Dilbert the signal to steal second.
Dilbert! Steal second! I meant the hand signal.
Oh! You run second base! I hope they don't steal our signals.
Soon, we will be together.
What's wrong with? Dilbert, this is your chance.
Yay! Yay! Yay! That's our Dilbert! I wonder if it was something they ate.
Probably the potato salad.
Juliet You're okay.
It must've been the hot dogs.
I think they were bad.
I'm so glad.
You're the only person in marketing who didn't eat them.
Oh, I wish that were true.
No! We'll take her to the hospital with the others and pump her stomach.
But when she gets reunited with the others, they'll keep us apart.
I can't let that happen.
I won't.
There's nothing you can do about it, Romeo.
We'll see about that.
Hey! Oh, no.
Look, I've got food poisoning too.
You have to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach.
We'd like to share an ambulance.
Well, I guess that would be okay.
I can't believe you fell for that joke.
I didn't eat the hot dogs.
I was just kidding around with you.
You even have a sense of humor.
I love you more than ever.
Wow You really ate a poisoned hot dog just to be with me.
That is so sweet.
Incredibly stupid, but sweet.
Really stupid.
The stupidity far outweighs the sweetness.
But the craziest part about this is that it was still the best date I ever had.
That only took 15 minutes.
They're very good.
The whole thing was only 19.
95.
You didn't take any of the extras, did you? That's how they get you.
I was very thirsty.
Uh-oh.
You know, they don't have water fountains in that place.
They sold me a glass of ginger ale for $3,000, but it was worth it.
I really miss Juliet.
I think she really liked me.
"Like" is a strong word.
It's possible.
You like me.
You fill a special place in my life.
In your heart? On the couch.
Your head blocks the light from the lamp so it doesn't get in my eyes.