Dinnerladies (1998) s01e01 Episode Script


1 All right Stan? All right Norman? I'm not.
Male maintenance person entering female lavatory area! I can't cope with them stairs.
They're good for you, stairs.
They were on the news last night.
There was this woman, and she's a hundred and four.
And she could still get into a pair of Levi's.
Took two people to button them up for her but even so.
No, this is like a phobia.
I get panicky.
What, on stairs? I fell off a diving board in Guernsey you know.
I can't stand on coconut matting either.
Could get help for that, couldn't you? Oh! I ain't got time, I'm building an extension.
You all right Stan? You've a nice weekend? I did Bren.
I got my carpet tacks organised finally.
Did you? I bet you'd imagined they were standardised, hadn't you, carpet tacks? - Yeah? - They're not.
I had to laugh in the end, the variations in length.
Can you put boiler on for me, Stan? Now the trays and the docket, they don't exactly tally.
Why? What've we not got? You've got your white sliced, you've got your brown.
You've got your rolls, you've got your French sticks, - and you've got your pittas.
- Yeah? But you ain't got your granary torpedoes.
Why have I not got my granary torpedoes? Well it didn't all get put on the van.
I weren't there, this were Glenda.
Oh just sign it Bren I've got an itchy bum.
Yeah, but Norman, I can't sign saying I've had granary torpedoes if I haven't had granary torpedoes.
That'd be like Bridge Over The River Kwai, that wouldn't it? Eh! Well it'd be like Kim Novak in Vertigo.
You know, live in a lie.
Have you never seen Vertigo? Seen it! I have got it! Alec Guinness very erect.
In "Bridge Over the River Kwai".
And what's that one with Stanley Holloway? "Lavender Hill Mob".
Oh and he runs down all the steps of the Eiffel Tower.
Ooh, I couldn't watch that.
Running down steps, it'd put me back years that would.
I'd hyperventilate.
Could you not watch it with a paper bag? Morning.
Any one for a gang bang? We haven't got any granary torpedoes.
I've given you loaves in lieu.
Have you? Go on then you saucebox.
This were Glenda.
I were on toilet.
- Blooming cold, Bren.
- Eh? When's Glenda coming back on her round? Are you all right Bren? Did you get any? What? The weekend, did you get any? Any sex? No I had to go to the launderette.
Did you Tony? Hollow flipping laughter.
Do you want a brew, Stan? Deffo.
Oh, you've got your overall on.
Is it so much to ask Bren for you to walk around in your bra for five minutes? Yes it is.
Do you think big Glenda'd give us a flash? Not after you said she looked like Desperate Dan.
He's starting to look very attractive to me, is Dan.
What do you want? Girl in a wet t-shirt.
It's been a bit slow this.
Eh! Shouldn't be.
I've had the plug up.
- Hi Anita.
- Hiya.
Anita! Do you fancy a bunk up just to get me brain going? Is a bunk up a hammock? It's Monday.
Did you have a nice weekend? Going to temp now.
Hose me bins! Hmm.
I went to a craft fair.
I got one of those coat hangers with the googly eyes.
Did you? Hello, coat hanger googly eyes.
Well it's a coat hanger and it's got googly eyes on it.
What are we doing about our torpedoes? Let's start with nothing.
- Morning.
- Hi Dolly.
Morning Jean.
What's wrong with Delilah? I've no objection to the song.
It was just Tom Jones squatting on the front of the TV Times in those swimming trunks.
Bren? No idea.
Are we a quorum? Any chance of getting any blooming work done? Twinkle's not here.
Well, it's only Monday.
Still the weekend for her.
She'll be sat in a cab somewhere throwing up.
Corn on the cob.
We're not still on Tom Jones' swimming trunks.
The wedding.
Sit down or running buffet.
How do you cope, Jean? I don't.
This has been twitching since September.
Dolly, what day is it for you? Full fat, semi skimmed? Full fat.
I'll treat myself.
- Oi! Twinkle.
- What? You don't come to work in your overall, do you? All right, keep your scrotum on.
Okay, finally.
Twink, you're on sink.
Thanks a bog roll.
Dolly on sarnies.
There's no torpedoes so don't come knocking on my door saying where's the torpedoes cos there aren't any.
Bren on counter, and Oh, sort yourselves out.
Bren, I'm having a fag.
If he phones about the salad cream, tell him - Tell him you're having a fag? - Yeah.
Shut the door! Eh! Did you see that film on Sunday? - On Sky? - No, on real telly.
Dirk Bogarde.
Oh, because on Sky there was this film about this woman whose husband died in this avalanche.
And two years later she finds his sperm in the freezer and gets pregnant with a turkey baster.
Hey, that sounds good.
It's based on a true story.
Dirk who? So she's been distraught for years because they haven't had any children.
She should've cleaned her freezer out a bit more often.
So why did she not use her husband's sperm to get pregnant.
She did.
Well you said she got pregnant with a turkey baster.
It's a little rubber.
Oh! I thought it were a job, turkey baster.
Yeah, 'cos all the lesbians have them now, don't they? Do they? Oh yeah, it were in t' paper, did you not read it? They get the sperm off the Internet bunked it into turkey baster like Dolly says, 9 months later, Bob's your uncle.
- Fanny's your - Thank you! And are they vegetarians, lesbians? Eh? I wondered if you went together like traffic wardens like in Neil Sedaka? Do you mean Humphrey Bogart? Oh, I love him.
We've got 'im at home on a jigsaw.
Have you never seen his films? No, we haven't even finished his raincoat yet.
He's given me four bloomers here, that Norman.
"Doctor in the House", that's what Dirk Bogarde was in, Twink.
So Dolly this sperm, was she just clearing out the freezer and there it was under the arctic rolls? More or less yes.
Does Dirk Bogarde come down some stairs on a hospital trolley going "arhhh"? No, that's Jim Dale.
That's "Carry on Nurse".
"Doctor in the House" has got him wi' posh voice, Donald Sinden.
Then they did that thing with that Welsh one from "It Ain't Half Hot Mum".
What do you mean, hot mum? - Were they're all sweaty? - Yes.
Who's all sweaty? The soldiers in the jungle, they have little vests on.
Little sweaty vests.
Steady on, Bren! Can we have a calm civilised atmosphere, please! Can we not pollute a food preparation area with talk of little sweaty vests.
Tony! Not only has Norman not given us our torpedoes, he's left us all these crusty bloomers.
Look! If we're not allowing sweaty vests into the conversation, we certainly not dwelling on Norman's crusty bloomers.
I'm trying to describe who Dirk Bogarde is.
Have you never seen "Death in Venice"? Is that the dwarf in the duffel coat? No, that's "Look Back in Anger".
Come on girls, shift it! Would this be a good moment to talk about Scottish country dancing? No, it wouldn't.
Who the heck was that? Hello! Twink! Is that toaster hot? It's only warm.
Oh, flip, not again.
Where's Stan? Anita! Are you nearly open? In a minute.
Bugger off! Anita, is Stan outside? Outside? Yeah, you know, not inside.
Stanley works here? Twink, is he doing his bins? Chuck a box at him! Hello! Toaster's on t' blink.
Just tell him to come up.
Order pea soup, cos' it's warm.
- Warm toast.
It's like blooming - warm salad! Oh, you can have warm salad, it's quite a shi-shi starter.
Think of that for the wedding, Jean.
With Keith's family? Last big wedding, his auntie Dot ate a coaster.
No! His auntie Dot from Cockermouth ate a raffia drinks coaster.
Thought it was a high fibre biscuit.
She had to be held back from moving down the table and buttering two more.
Stand back! Emergency toaster maintenance coming through! Keep well clear, please! Can I order my toast now? I've got to fax Tokyo.
Hang on.
Ha, got it.
That's it.
Coming to temp now.
Get those shutters up! Let's feed the faces of folk! Can I have twelve rounds of white, please? You can actually, yeah.
It's been a bit touch and thingy bob, but yeah, twelve rounds of white, let's do it! Soup? No, it has to be cold the first course.
Smoke mackerel pâté.
What about the vegetarians? Melon.
Melon balls' daintier.
Who's vegetarian on Keith's side? His auntie Margot.
She won't eat anything with a face.
She can have the melon balls.
What? She won't eat anything with a face, but she'll eat something wi' balls? Mum! No! Why? Jodie can't wear a sash.
Have you see these sextuplets in the paper? She actually chose to have six babies.
It's technology gone mad.
Yeah, but it's handy though, isn't it? Like if you want to tap the Nolan sisters in a hurry.
'Cos that poor woman, Mrs.
Nolan, I suppose.
She must've been giving birth for years before she got any decent harmonies up and running.
I like the Nolan sisters, they were nice mixture.
Yeah, they were, weren't they? Some of them were really good lookin', and er.
some of them were a bit potato-faced.
Well, how many babies have I got? I haven't got any.
Oh, Anita! Did he come with those carrots? No.
That veg man.
I bet he's having sex somewhere.
The veg man! 'Course he is.
You only have to look at him.
I don't want to look at him.
You don't need to look at him.
Y'can smell his overall five minutes before he comes in.
We should get him a deodorant.
He's got a flat head.
We could stick an air freshener on it.
Can't we? Stick it on his head.
Come here.
What? Whack! Blimey O'Riley! What are them Jean? That's a plunge, that's a super plunge, and that's an anyway halter.
And what's that? That? That's a padded balcony.
And is this for anything? The wedding.
No, baffled, lost in the land of 'no speaky lady talk.
' I have to organise my daughter's wedding.
I knew that.
And obviously, go to it.
But, oh yes.
In an outfit.
And again yes.
So I have to have a new bra.
No, four faults for a refusal.
He's turning round.
He's having another go.
Why Jean? Who's going to see it.
Well, nobody is gonna see it.
Take me on Bren.
Show me how a woman's mind works.
And what is that? That's the double-D strapless push up.
I'm going to have to go and sit down and order some brown sauce.
Wanna get a thong, Jean.
Where does the back bit go? Well it's up your bum, ain't it.
Oh, honestly.
Toast those buns in our versatile floral thong.
Buns, as in tea cakes.
No, like the excercise video, Buns of Steel.
I'm doing the sequel to that, buns of lard.
Hello, hi! Oh, gosh, that reminds me.
I must get some new knickers.
Not that you need to know about my underwear situation.
I'm Philippa Moorcroft.
Flipper? He's a whale, ain't he? Sorry? Oh, yes.
No, not like the whale.
Is he not a dolphin, Flipper? Skippy was the bush kangaroo.
Free Willy was a whale.
Do you ever see that? Tell you what was brilliant.
In the cinema, they showed you the whole story in the trailer.
You didn't have to bother going.
Yes, I'm, eh.
I never know whether to say what it used to be or what it is now.
It's it was personnel, and now it's human resources.
And here I am.
This is what I look like.
Anyway, I'm not just here for problems, though, obviously, feel free.
But I really want to bring a new slant to the whole work thing.
I mean, why not Scottish country dancing? Beautifully clean floor, Stan.
I see what I'm missing as I sit in my office with my salad sarnie.
When was this? Well, I was just talking generally, but on Friday I think it was a salad sandwich.
- Plain salad? - Yes.
We do ham salad, cheese salad, egg salad.
We don't do plain salad.
No, I brought it from home.
I made it myself.
You'd made it yourself? All right Stan.
Oh, crumbs.
Was that wrong? No, it wasn't wrong.
It's worse than wrong.
All right Stan.
It's just that we normally do make all the sandwiches.
- You come again.
- Ah, yeah, hang on Stan.
I mean Sometimes people do bring their own, you know, if they got the gluten type thingy bob.
Or cystitis.
When that went round the top floor, they were all coming in with cranberries.
- Do you know what I mean? - Oh ya.
This is the cook house.
This is the heart of the factory.
My dad was a desert rat.
His life was saved by a mess tin.
He had it over his face liking a bit of mince.
Sniper's bullet could've had his jaw off.
He's had a marvellous life.
He'd been married twice, taught himself the ukulele and you bring your sandwiches to work.
He don't mean it.
It's since they put Pam Ayres on the radio instead of Charlie Chester.
And I wanted trailing greenery for the reception, but Keith's anti-ivy.
I didn't know Keith had an Auntie Ivy! Did I say about the extra tea for the fourth floor? - Yeah.
- Yeah I did, didn't I? Okay then.
See you later.
I don't know how long I'm gonna be, okay? No, that's fine.
I hope it's not too - Good luck anyway.
- I'll need it.
There's only one woman's realm in that waiting room and I'm having it.
Good luck though.
We still can't agree about the music.
Bren, your mother.
Bren, are you on your own? Yeah, I'm just with Jean.
No, that's fine darling.
I'm just needing to go a bit cautious love.
Have you got any of that disinfectant spray? Bren: Oh.
Jean: I'll get it.
Hello Jean, love.
I just need a little morsel my darling, and could I have a cloth love? How are you keeping Jean? Gorgeous shade on your hair by the way.
Well, it's this wedding.
Oh, and don't I emphasise they stress you out big time.
Oh, that's it.
I had to organise one on Honolulu Island for one of the West Indian cricketers and by God it was a fantastic success.
But I lost all the feeling down my left hand side from the strain.
Thanks darling.
Bren, next time you're at the supermarket love, can you pop this into one of the wheelie bins round the back? It mustn't go in the little bin love.
No one must see it sweetheart.
Why? It's not stolen, is it? No, I have given up that keeper.
My days of receiving stolen property to do the boxing fraternity a favour are well gone.
Can't remember what I was going to say.
Anyway, the phone lovie, just need to get rid.
But never mind me.
I'm just trying to think what to do for the music.
Oh, and I used to know a fantastic keyboards player.
Really talented, lovely looking like a black Frankie Vaughan.
Had the girls flocking.
Had beautiful slacks, tailored specially.
But, like a lot of very well- dressed people, he was gay.
So, anyway.
He's in Guernsey now.
And, ehh Strictly speaking, I can't set foot on the Channel Islands.
Oh, maybe just some one at the piano.
Richard Clayderman.
Yeah that type of party.
I can get him.
Do you want him? Oh no no, forget it.
He's got a dog.
He will travel nowhere without this damn dog.
Mind you it's a gorgeous pooch.
Shih Tzu.
He tried to give me one once, I said Ricky I love you sweetheart, but my life style and the dog's life style poles apart.
So you see, he can't just fly over here, Jean.
Because of Sheba.
No, I've had him in tears from Zurich airport, saying "I can't get on the plane Petula.
" I cannot leave Sheba.
I said Ricky, it's fine.
Just go home, have a Glühwein, put one of your records on.
I can say that to him.
Oh, we'll sort it out.
Jean, I'm helping.
Don't forget I was in Beirut with Mandy Rice-Davies.
I understand entertainment on a shoestring.
Now, this girl is a fabulous entertainer.
No, ignore that.
Ignore the drawing.
She had these cards done on the motorway.
She must've pressed the wrong button.
But you see as well as the stripping, she plays the accordion.
Oh, I like the accordion.
So is she just like a normal type of accordionist? She is lovely, very modest to look at actually.
Peter Pan collars.
She knows all the lovely old tunes.
Agadoo, Coconut Airways, Shaft.
So, what should we do then? Shall we call her? Shall we take this card? No, I'd better hang onto that.
I'll call her for you.
Sometimes you get quite rough people answering these phones.
Yeah, but you might not remember to do it, mum.
Don't break my heart Bren.
Let me help.
I'll be back in Romania tomorrow, up an orphanage ladder with an emulsion brush.
Let me do this for, what your daughter's name? Lisa.
There you are.
The little baby they wouldn't let me adopt.
Little Lisa Louise, I said what sort of future she's going to have here? You've not a bottle in the place.
They just stamped "adoption refused" on the papers.
I said you're stamping those letters on my heart.
Let me do this for all our babies.
Bren, can you let me have a couple of sausages out your deep freezer? Dolly, we need one more platter D for the top floor, they're having a think tank.
Nobody's brought me those brown rolls yet.
Where's Norman? Where's Anita? She's gone for counselling with that Philippa woman.
She was upset.
She was upset? That coleslaw was diabolical.
- Tony, can I use the phone? - No.
Oh, it's about the bridesmaid's knickers.
Go on then.
Two five to dial out.
Shutter's going up two minutes.
She was upset about the sextuplets.
She's getting a period.
I've heard it all before, Bren.
No need to call it a mm mya.
Has Norman not brought them rolls, Dolly? No, he wouldn't come up the stairs.
He had a panic attack coming.
He was going to sit in his van as a precaution.
A precaution against doing any bloody work.
Stan, nip down and see if there's any brown rolls down by the bins, will you? Norman's flipped again.
Roger Wilco.
What did you say about sextuplets? Anita.
I left her a message.
Plain white, high waist, low leg.
Sextuplets? Bridesmaid's knickers.
Just left.
Anybody could've had 'em.
Then what? Stealing mopeds, hitting women in their own homes wi' golf trophies.
Norman's having a panic attack, Stan.
Ten years ago nobody have heard of panic attacks.
And if they have, bloody bread men didn't have'em.
Shutter's going up! Bread men have varicose veins and fags behind their ears.
And what's the soup? On the menu, it just says soup.
Twink, what's the soup? Minestrone.
Why didn't you put it on the menu? I can't spell it.
Excuse me! Sorry, sorry.
Mum! I've just left you a message.
Well I'm not there am I? Well, they won't do.
Is there no gravy? Who's on gravy? Both: Anita.
You carry on, mate.
I'll bring some over, okay? Can you tell me which one Jean is, please? Jean! Hello! You're looking for entertaiment for your wedding? Oh, yeah.
I do bride, policewoman, traffic warden, gladiators, Gypsy Rose Lee.
I can't be touched, I won't sit on laps, and I won't mingle.
Well, do you play the accordion? No, I only strip.
Well you could see what a liability that would be naked, could trap a nipple.
Is that what you wanted, an accordinist? Yeah.
I'll phone my granddaddy, he plays.
Who was that Jean, and can she make gravy? A stripper.
Ah, she'll never have needed to then.
Tony, I want you.
I want you, where's Anita? She's lying down.
It's dinnertime, I'm a bod short now.
I didn't think she'd be able to concentrate.
She doesn't need to concentrate.
Someone says a pie, you give them a pie.
Anyone who could concentrate would go barmy.
I really think you should be sensitive to woman's hormonal ebb and flow.
I am believe me.
Look, I'm not a dinosaur.
I quite like women in a sad baffled sort of way.
But can we please get a grip.
Out of a workforce of five, at any given moment, one'll have premenstrual tension, one's panicking cos she's not, someone's having a hot flush, and someone else is having a nervous breakdown cos her HRT patch has fallen in the minestrone.
That was a one-off.
I mean, as much as I love working in a woman support group, the cold fact is, this is a bloody canteen.
Have you ever thought of Scottish country dancing? Is this a work-related gathering, can I just ask? It's a melting pot Stan.
We're just gonna toss ideas into the pot.
It's a toss pot! So what I'll do very quickly, is just free fall if I may.
These are just fun things I've tried in other places I've worked.
Feng shui, moving things around.
You're not moving that toaster.
No, that's probably not very appropriate.
You'll move me first.
Oh leave it Stan.
My dad was a desert rat.
He shaved in sand.
That toaster stays put.
Uh, Scottish country dancing.
Think I've mentioned that.
Exploring female sexuality.
I don't think Stan needs to hear about that.
I didn't think I look like a Maureen.
You can't shock me.
I was once employed in the biggest brothel in Islington.
Doing what? The rewiring.
What was it like? Well, it was very tricky actually, cos there was so many wall lights.
They think now that pressure at work can affect your sex life.
They did a questionnaire.
Are you too busy to have an orgasm? Orgasm? I haven't blown my nose since Wednesday.
Oh, one fun thing we did.
Dressing to reflect the local ethnic communities.
Eh? Well, I.
I mean, I don't mind what I wear.
I think when you're slim you can carry off a number of styles.
I think we should ask somebody with bigger hips.
Jean? You wouldn't want to wear a saree for work? What are they playing at now? Is this for your benefit Anita? My benefit? Now, I try and keep an open mind.
I was first in the queue with rose and pies, for example.
But I can't honestly say I would want to do heavy lifting, checking the maintenance of bisexual ablutions in a saree.
Hang on! We seem to have gone a little bit astray here.
And you certainly have if you think some us are called Maureen.
How about if we all learn to massage each other? It's marvellous.
We used to do it in one of our offices.
Basically, you sit round in a circle, and massage the neck and shoulders of the person in front of you.
Yes, but suppose you haven't got somebody in front of you? Everyone will have someone in front of him! How? Because we'll all be in a circle.
Oh I thought you said we'd all be in an office! This would be through your overall? Oh, yes.
So we wouldn't be naked? Oh no! Because some of our appliances spit fat.
Eh? They shouldn't do.
Give it time Phlip.
How much time? I've been to every person in this factory and all I get is blank looks.
Oh I don't know.
Oh I'll have to think about it.
I sold my flat to come and be with you Mikey.
And I'm beginning to feel I've been an absolute nitwit.
They were queuing up in bands to make candles.
I'll pay for it later, is that all right? And you might have told me you didn't have a washing machine.
So, now we know.
You're all right Jean? Eh? I'm just having a gloomy do about this wedding.
It doesn't feel right somewhere along the line.
Hey, it's gonna be fantastic.
What you're talking about! You done your flower, you got your hat.
You tracked down them vegeterian slingbacks for Keith's Auntie Margot.
You've done great.
Flippin' heck Jean, you've done fantastic.
Thanks Bren, I appreciate that.
No probs.
I don't know who thinks to clean this spatula! Give it us back then.
Hello! This is a good time? I'm Carly's granddad.
Is it for dancing? For the wedding? Thought I'd give you a bit of a demo! Oh! I just need Stan.
There's a car blocking the gates.
Stan? He's through there! You've done it! You've actually organize it yourselves! That's fantastic! I can't tell you what this has done for me.
I absolutely can't tell you.
Bren, Bren! I can't stop.
I'm blocking the gates.
Well, can you tell me mum we got married this morning.
She'll take it better from you.
We couldn't face it, big wedding, tell her.
And tell her I'll call her.
Do you mind? Bye! Sorry.
You tell her! Oh, I feel 20 years younger now.
This is sorted.
Thanks for what you said.
You're having the dance? Yeah.

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