Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (2016) s02e09 Episode Script

1 [DING.]
No! No! I just want Help! Get off! Get off! No! No! No [ELECTRICITY SURGING.]
[BULBS SHATTERING.]
[SUZIE BORETON CACKLES WICKEDLY.]
Thank you, Dirk Gently.
I am so grateful to you.
If you weren't such an incredible moron, this might have been challenging for me.
To think The Mage was scared of you.
He was? You're nothing but small people, just more small people standing in my way.
Not today.
I get The Boy, I get Wendimoor, and for once, I get the last word, 'cause [SHRIEKING.]
The Trosts are headed to attack.
Silas, your mother needs you.
You get to her, and you stop this madness! But the prophecy, The Boy! There is no time! We'll fulfill the prophecy, Silas.
Go to your family.
Stop the fight before it's too late.
- [FANFARE PLAYS.]
- [INCOHERENT WARNING.]
Uh Bad stuff! Boxheads! They're coming! Go, everyone! We need the pool.
I know another way.
Let's go! Boys! Go! I won't leave you to die, Wygar.
Go! [MUFFLED SPELL.]
Wygar! Run, boy! [WYGAR CALLING.]
Go! Save your family! No, no, no Keep moving! [SUZIE.]
: You silly man.
Go on, get up! Who do you think you're dealing with? You think you can shut me up? No! Nobody tells me what to do! Not anymore! [ROARING.]
Avaratos! [WYGAR'S SCREAMS ECHOING.]
[SCREAMING.]
Come on! Okay! [GROANING IN PAIN.]
[BONES CRUNCHING.]
[GROANING IN PAIN.]
[WYGAR'S SCREAMS ECHO.]
[FANFARE PLAYS.]
Oh, yes, my queen.
Our armies are entering the Valley at this very moment.
We stand at the ready.
Shall we pursue them? The ones that got away? No.
Forget about them.
They've got no magic, no pool, they'll never get to The Boy.
They're just little flies, buzzing around my head.
I'll have fun with them later.
Have the last of the families killed.
I'm sick of them.
Of course, my queen.
This is my world now.
I'm going to fix everything.
All righty.
This is our target.
Remember, stay calm.
Project Lamia isn't normally violent, but she is dangerous if provoked.
Do not take action unless ordered.
It's gone, man! The-the-the thingie is gone, man! Stay calm! That's not calm.
Where are you? Calm.
Okay? We don't even know that she's in this room.
Yeah, but we don't know that she's, like, not in this room either, right? Like, she could've already morphed into something! [GUNFIRE.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Look, for all we know, Mona Wilder is just a couple of molecules that can modify the matter around her.
I don't understand that! You're not going to be able to shoot her, so just Wait! What if she's already, like, transformed into somebody? What if she's already loose in the facility? I Whoa! It's you, isn't it? She's you.
Or wait, no, you're Mona.
You're Mona, and you don't even know.
No.
No! I'm Ken! I need to shoot you to be sure.
Why would that help? I don't know.
It's a thought I had, so I have to do it! But you just Wait, wait! [WHISPERING.]
Your gun Huh? Your gun is still in the holster.
Huh? Oh, shit.
Uh [CHOKING.]
Stand stand down! Stand down, stand-stand down Stand stand down Hi, Mona.
I'm Ken.
We haven't met yet, but I'm here to help.
I think there's been a big misunderstanding, Mona.
Now, no one wants to hurt you.
No, no.
I know that you helped Dirk escape because he was he was your friend.
Well, I want to be your friend too.
Look, I think Dirk is in trouble, but we can't do anything without your help.
Can you help us, Mona? You don't want to hurt anyone Right? [GASPING FOR AIR.]
Hello? Hi.
[GROANING.]
Tina? Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah.
It's not bleeding.
It just burns.
Now, where'd he go? He's back down by the car.
And Oh, my god Hey, Hobbs! Shh! What are you Stop it! It won't work.
He's He's enchanted, like Bob Boreton.
What do we do? We have to go down there and get him.
"Get him"? Look, whatever he's doing, it's not good.
And I am not losing two fights in one year.
We need a plan.
A plan.
Right.
Yes.
Let's arrest that son of a bitch.
Yeah.
[WINCING.]
Ow.
Okay.
We're both gonna die.
All right, boys and girls, this is a special situation.
Everybody just relax, follow my lead.
Priest to Command.
Yoo-hoo.
Hello, high Command.
Anybody home? Priest, this is Command.
Hold on, now.
Is that my friend Ken? Yes, it is, Mr.
Priest.
Well, isn't that music to my ears? Aren't you the one who survived alone with Project Marzanna? That's me.
Why? Well I am in need of your expertise at the moment.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ho boy.
Who are these men? Are they warriors? It's Blackwing.
This could get ugly.
They're gonna want me to come with them.
If you don't want to go, then I shan't let them take you.
Panto, you don't know these guys.
I mean, they're dangerous, they hurt people.
I appreciate your concern, Bartine, but I am the greatest swordsman in all of Wendimoor.
I suspect I'll be all right.
Yeah, okay.
[PRIEST.]
: Guns down, everybody.
Clips on the ground.
We are not risking a chain reaction here.
Your weapons will not be useful.
They'll just give her a reason to kill us all.
Let's avoid that.
[CHUCKLING WARMLY.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doin', Bart? Hi, Mr.
Priest.
Uh You don't feel like killing anybody right now, right? No, not really.
We just wanna go to Wendimoor for the big happy ending.
Okay.
Sure.
Who's your buddy? Verily, I am a normal man, from this world, much like yourself.
Okay.
Priest, we're gonna wanna go into the house.
Are you gonna try to stop us? No, ma'am.
I can't make you do anything you don't want to do, I know that.
But there is somebody who wants to say hi.
Oh, my god, Bart! Ken! Hi! [GASPING IN DELIGHT.]
Oh, my god.
There you are! Hey, you're on some kind of little square? How did you get in there? Hey, are you on TV? No, Bart, I'm at Blackwing.
I'm okay, it's just a video.
Hey, I'm sorry I left you.
There was all this shooting.
I just, I didn't want you to get hurt.
That's all okay now.
They're taking good care of me.
Hey, how do I get you out of there? Well, okay, that's the thing, Bart, you don't have to.
I don't? No.
But what you could do is come in, back in.
What? Why? Blackwing is terrible.
I mean, it's the most boring place I've ever been to in my whole life.
No, it's different now.
I'm here Yeah, but I'm different too.
Hey, I don't even kill anybody anymore.
You just dropped a chainsaw.
Oh, no, I-I just like it.
Well, bring it with you, then.
I've missed you, Bart.
Hey, you should come with us! You should come to Wendimoor! [KEN.]
: I can't do that.
Come and see me, Bart.
I'm your friend.
You have to trust me.
Yeah Yeah, but Panto is my friend too.
This is Panto.
[PRIEST.]
: You should listen to Ken.
He's only trying to help you.
So am I.
We have been through a lot together, huh? Why don't you come back in? Look, we can even stop and get some ice cream, just like old times.
See, Bart, I'm your friend too.
No, I don't think you are.
Panto, come on.
Bart Come on.
Hey, Ken, I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna go.
'Kay, bye.
[KEN.]
: Bart No, no, no, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Bart.
hold on a minute.
Unhand the lady.
Right.
Right you are.
On the list of things I'm not doing today, Priest, going back to Blackwing is near the top.
Think it over.
She said she doesn't want to go.
There's no more left to discuss.
Now, stand aside.
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Stand down! Hold on! [CHEERING.]
Stand down! What is it? What's happening? Stand down! Wow! We don't wanna kill any more people.
We just wanna go to Wendimoor for the happily ever after.
I'm not going to let that happen, Bart.
Panto? [BART LAUGHS.]
Shit.
Everybody stand down! [LAUGHING.]
Hey! Are you sure you don't wanna come to Wendimoor? Bart, listen to me! Okay, well, listen, Ken, you let me know if you change your mind, okay? Bart! Wait! Stop! Come on.
Sorry about the mess.
[KEN CALLING.]
Bart, wait! Bart! Stop! Wait! 'Sway! Ome'lgo, wayfumtebadduns! Wait, so the pool in the throne room leads to the bed? Possibly.
The bed led to the pool.
[GRIPPS.]
: Drummer pulled us through a pool.
[VOGEL.]
: I got a lake.
Shouldn't the pool in the throne room work the same way as Wakti's? Absolutely.
And by that I mean, possibly, sure.
Maybe? We have no way of knowing that.
How'd that truck get through? Same pool? We really have no idea how any of this works.
You gonna pull that guy you need through a pool? [MARTIN.]
: Drummer's got the power.
Wait, wait a second, Amanda, you know how to do this? You said you needed Wakti's help.
Well, I have to try.
Dirk, do I have to reach through the pool to find The Boy in Blackwing? Because I don't know where he is in there.
Okay, then let's do this, if you can get me and the Rowdy 3 in, we'll be like a super action-boy strike team.
Jailbreak.
Look, let's just take a beat here - There's no time! - We can't, dude! You want to portal into Blackwing to get The Boy? Suzie Boreton is here destroying everything.
There's an army coming! Yeah, that actually was kinda a lot of guys.
Shitloads bigtime.
There's 11,000 dudes.
I counted real quick.
This is crazy! I know I said we needed to take control, but what if the universe is not on our side this time? Aw We need a real plan.
Did we really come all this way just so we could all get [SCREAMS.]
Ah! God! Todd? [GROANING IN PAIN.]
Is he? Are you having an attack? [WINCING.]
Yeah.
My pills! - Late lunch, gentlemen? - Mm-hmm.
No, hold up.
Don't help him.
What?! Todd, listen.
Remember how I said pararibulitus works differently here? [GROANING.]
Well, it feels the same.
I know, but just listen to me.
You can beat this.
You can use the energy.
Turn what's hurting you Barbed wire on my leg.
[GROANING IN PAIN.]
Right.
Barbed wire.
You can make the barbed wire real.
You can pull it off your leg, and it won't hurt you.
You just have to listen to me.
[GASPING IN PAIN.]
Don't panic.
It's your wire, it belongs to you, it's your pain.
I need my pills.
Hey, look at me! The energy is yours, the fear is yours, the barbed wire is yours, so control them.
Separate yourself from the physical space.
You own this.
You control this.
Ooh, damn God, Todd, you've got barbed wire on your leg! You can see it? Nicely done.
Holy shit.
Hello Mona.
My name's Supervisor Friedkin.
[GENTLY.]
How's your neck? It's bad, actually.
You really hurt me.
I'm sorry.
You were scaring me.
Just like those men are scaring me now.
Well, they need to be here right now, in case you, like, turn into a bear or something.
Why would I turn into a silly little bear? If I wanted to kill you, I'd just turn into an aircraft carrier right now, and this entire place would be destroyed.
Please don't do that.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi, Mona! [CLEARING THROAT.]
Chair, please.
[WHISPERING.]
Get up.
Sure.
Can I see Dirk? Not right now.
He's in some trouble.
Oh no.
Trouble is bad.
Yes, it is.
But you can help.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I'm just an actress.
I'm a holistic actress.
I can play any role.
Why were you the toy? [SIGHS SADLY.]
I can be anything.
A boat, or a house, or a shovel, or a cloud, or an old Pakistani man, or the Queen of England, or a kangaroo but I don't know what I am supposed to be.
Why did you send Dirk away? I didn't do that.
I just told him what the voice said.
The The the voice? One day there was a voice.
A funny little snail voice.
What did this voice say? She said she needed Dirk to help find her friend, a boy.
She said if I let her use my eyes, she could put people where they needed to be.
So she saw what you saw.
Yes.
Does that help? Did I help Dirk? Oh yeah.
Yeah.
Very much.
[WHISPERING.]
Do I have to stay a person now? Only for a little while longer, if you don't mind.
Okay.
I guess that's all nice.
[CLEARING THROAT.]
Uh Thank you, Mona.
You're a great friend.
Panto! Look at that moon! Have you seen this moon? Yes, Bart, that's quite a normal moon to me.
Oh, buddy, I'm starting to think you're a little weird, you know that? Imagine how I felt in your strange world, with your dumb little moon looking all tiny.
Yeah, I guess the moon is pretty stupid, now that I think about it.
Hey, Panto? I wanna go this way.
Can we go this way? But Bart, my home is this way.
Please, I beg of you, let's just [BRANCHES CRACKLING, SOMEONE COUGHS.]
Panto? Silas! My love! You've returned.
And I've found Dirk Gently.
I found Dirk Gently.
Is he here? Yes.
Yes, but so is The Mage's apprentice.
She's taken control of his men.
Wow, that's bad.
Hello? Hi.
You're Silas, right? I heard about you.
Your mom's an asshole.
Silas, this is Bartine, an exquisite creature and a wonderful friend.
Delighted to meet you, but we must hurry to my mother and beg her to lay down her arms.
Things have gotten worse, worse than you can ever imagine.
Hey, that's the way I wanted to go in the first place.
[SUZIE LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHING.]
[GASPING WITH EFFORT.]
I found The Boy.
[CACKLES.]
Those idiots told me exactly where he was.
Wendimoor is mine, except for one tiny little thread.
You will travel to my world and cut it! How will we find The Boy? Shouldn't be too hard.
Just go through here, and kill everyone you see! [MANIACAL LAUGHTER.]
[SHOWER RATTLING.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Ken, hey, I think I'm a little I'm confused.
What's going on? Project Moloch is a reality editor, all right? He can create things, completely new things, from nothing but his mind, all right? Like the crazy funhouse hidden inside the Cardenas farm in Bergsberg.
The file said that he had plans on building a much bigger world than that, called Wendimoor, like a fairytale land.
I'm guessing he actually pulled it off, and that's what put him in the coma.
You with me? Yes.
When he had his stroke two months ago, it must have caused some kind of thinning between worlds, and an entity from the other side, this "voice," poked through and found Mona.
But wait, why are they looking for Dirk? To help them somehow.
What matters now is that we lock down this entire facility before Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, um you keep acting like you're in charge now.
We don't have time for this.
No, I just want to make sure that you understand that you are helping me.
I'm in charge.
Hugo, you gave me the same clearance as you.
We are equals within this program.
You can't take that away from me now.
I I didn't mean to do that.
Wait! Look! Listen! We have to take control of this situation, or this whole operation is going to be compromised! Wait, that's [BARKING.]
my dog.
[KLAXONS START WAILING.]
Knights are coming! Knights are coming! Knights are coming! Secure Project Moloch! Now! Move! Move! Move! This way! Let's go! [SCISSORS SNIP.]
Bergsberg Sheriff's Department! Put your hands up! Golly gee, well done! You got down here in record time, really, I can't believe it.
[FIRES.]
You think I didn't know you were there? [MOCKING.]
Oh no, it's the police! Sneaking up on me Oh, ladies, that's an incredibly foolhardy attempt at a what, an ambush? That's hilarious.
Well, I guess you needed some sort of plan, but this? Well, you were always a disappointment, weren't you, Farah Black? You don't scare me! If only your father could see you now.
He'd hardly be surprised, would he? Family full of heroes.
Someone had to drop the ball eventually.
I suppose he always knew it would be you.
Drop the wand! Don't be absurd.
Do you want to see something funny? [COCKING GUNS.]
Those little pokes with my needle appear to have put you into a rather negative state of mind, ladies.
What do we do, what do we do, what do we do? Shh shh.
Now, I could just have you kill each other right now, or we could try something with a little more mischief.
[GASPING.]
Hobbs! Hobbs, it's me! It's Tina! Stay calm What are you making him do? Well, he's helping me with a little project.
You see, we're going to take this car, fill it full of explosives, and then Mr.
Hobbs is going to drive it into that silly old house with the gateway to Wendimoor.
And pwoosh! Blow it to bits.
Lots of burny little bits, house, barn, all of it.
No more road to that cursed land, and a fresh new start for me.
Mr.
Hobbs! Take out your gun and aim it at them.
Sherlock, don't! What are you doing? Hobbs? Listen to me, we're your friends.
Now, this is the kind of game I really enjoy! I was never meant to be a conqueror, taking over the world.
I much prefer to hurt people in person, not send an army in to burn down a village.
Where's the fun in that? Hobbs It's so impersonal.
But this it's fun-tastic! [LAUGHING.]
Shoot them, Hobbs.
[GROANS.]
Ah! [EXCHANGING GUNFIRE.]
No, no, no, no [GROANING IN PAIN.]
[MAGAZINE FALLS.]
[CLICKING.]
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, god Farah, I'm sorry! [FIRING.]
No one in Wendimoor can defeat me! You're not in Wendimoor! [ROARING WITH EFFORT.]
[GROANING.]
Ow! What the heck happened? Father, stop! My god, what's happened here? Mother! Father Silas! Panto you're alive.
What have you done, Father? What has become of our beloved homeland? We are doomed, my boy.
Even after all this death, we can still save the Valley of Inglenook.
Please, Father, Lady Frija, we must salvage something.
Silas, how? Mother I'm in love with him.
Huh.
Is it true? It is, Father.
If there is to be any hope for a future in this land, you must wake up and stop this.
Please.
We cannot bear more destruction.
So many have died Their sacrifice does not have to be in vain.
We can honor them yet if we work together to save Inglenook.
You see? Everything is gonna work out great.
Ha ha! They all killed each other! There's no one left for us to kill! [LAUGHING.]
But Silas! [GUNFIRE BLASTING.]
Panto? Panto Panto? [GUNFIRE BLASTING.]
[CHAINSAW ROARS TO LIFE.]
[REVVING ENGINE.]
[BEAST.]
: Odere! Odere! Dere! Okay Okay.
[VOGEL.]
: You got this, boss? Sure.
Yeah.
Why not? Yeah, mm-hmm.
Sure.
What do you want us to do? Just step back.
[SHOUTING IN PAIN.]
[SCREAMING.]
Wow She can really do that.
Yes, she can.
[GASPING IN PAIN.]
That was incredible.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I just I can't keep it open.
Wh wh what do you need? It's too much by myself.
I haven't done it without Wakti.
I needed more time with her.
I could maybe get you there, Dirk, like, one way? But then you'd be stuck, and I don't know if I could get you back.
That seems not great.
[SIGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Bah sheps comfur Y-you guys? Ledee! Ledee! Wait, Todd! You can help me.
What? No, I can't do that.
I'm not like you.
No, you're not.
But you can maybe use your energy, and it would help me keep the portal open? You just have to try.
Guys, rainbow monster's trying to tell us something bad's coming! [SUZIE'S EVIL LAUGHTER ECHOES.]
Bad sheps ledee! Suzie.
Okay, yes, just whatever you say, just I'll do it, I'm in.
We'll slow that witch down.
Boys? I got nothin' but rocks in here! Nobody makes me scared of laughter! Wait! Dirk and I need the Rowdy 3 to come through with us.
You can't help me keep the portal open and go through.
Shit, but then It's it's all right.
I'll do it alone.
You seriously want to go back to Blackwing by yourself? "Want" may be a strong word, Todd, but [SUZIE.]
: Where are you going, Dirk Gently? "Want" truly is a strong word, and yet no other more perspicuous appellations are currently traveling to my mind with any degree of alacrity to allow me to concisely articulate Dirk, stop with the words.
Don't spin out.
You can do this.
Okay.
There's a lotta weird in here! So, I'm gonna have an attack? Yeah.
Probably a bad, slow one? Yup.
Perfect.
I'm in.
Just tell me what to do.
Keep your hands in, no matter what.
Dirk? Are you ready? Yes.
I can do this.
[SCREAMING IN PAIN.]
[DISTANT SCREAMS.]
[SUZIE'S EVIL LAUGHTER ECHOES.]
[SUZIE LAUGHS.]
[SUZIE LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHTER ECHOES.]
[AMANDA SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMING IN PAIN.]
[SCREAMING.]
Don't panic.