Disenchantment (2018) s03e05 Episode Script

Who Shot Elfo?

Elfo, you're still whimpering.
What if Dagmar's right?
If I hadn't died,
she wouldn't be back on the throne,
and we wouldn't be in this mess.
Aw! Why'd I have to die? I'm so stupid.
That really isn't your fault.
Know how many people are crushed
by vending machines every year?
I always thought destiny was baloney.
But what if it's not?
What if it's my destiny
to be a screw-up, and we all die?
I don't think
I could live with that guilt.
But you'd be dead too.
Meh. With me, you never know.
I love you, Mora!
Hey, topless. Can we get
this fish mobile going already?
Don't worry, squirt.
Bean teached me everything,
how to drive this thing.
All right, grab the rope and pull, Dad.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Hey, you know what was a good teamwork?
You and that Mora there.
I swear, you two are like
the lady army I never had.
Yeah. I mean, it just sucks
every time we get together
some jerk comes along and yoinks us apart.
Jealous mermaids, a freak show owner.
Mora does it. Fate.
Yeah. I kinda got the same
on and off thing going with Ursula.
You know what?
Fate is the biggest jerk of all.
You telling me.
So how do you deal with it?
Who do you punch?
Oh! The list goes on and on.
Servants, walls, statues,
whoever's standing nearby
when I'm feeling that sadness.
A lot of times it's Odval.
But I tell you what, Beanie,
I'd rather miss someone
than never to have had nobody at all.
Don't worry, Zøg. I'll never leave you.
- Ta-da!
- Freckles. He'll save the day.
Freckles will not be saving any days
- Why?
- And that's final.
The mentally stable people
in this gondola have spoken.
Ooh! Gondola. Fancy words
from Princess Fancy Pants.
Come on, Beanie.
A possessed little puppet pal
ain't gonna hurt nobody.
I beg to differ.
Yeah, it ain't my fault
I'm a little wooden bastard.
I was carved that way.
Don't let him sweet talk you, Dad.
This always happens.
If fairy tales taught us anything,
it's that puppets
are the number one creepy creation.
Nah, Bean, you got it all wrong.
It's that we all just wanna be real boys.
With real hopes, and real feelings,
and real knives!
- Dad.
- I have no idea why he has a knife.
Where'd he go?
One step closer, the balloon gets it.
Doink, doink.
Stop it, you'll doink us
all to death, dummy!
What do I care?
I'm already dead. I was born dead.
This whole world holds nothing for me.
I sat motionless in a ventriloquist's
shop window for years.
Being mocked by passing kids and drunks.
And drunk passing kids.
Oh. Yeah. That was 100% percent me.
That was you?
I never got no hugs, I never got no love.
The only time I got attention
was when I was doing annoying little jigs
and telling hurtful cornball jokes.
But I ain't no joke!
I got a heart, and I got a soul,
and I got strange, disturbing dreams.
I'm alive!
- I appreciate the vulnerability.
- Thank you.
But didn't you just say
you were dead, like, five times?
- Shut up!
- You shut up!
- You shut up!
- You shut up!
I got the knife.
Listen. Now I'm finally king.
King on the top of the balloon.
Well, I I think, then, that this calls
for a little victory dance, right?
Freckles? Dad?
I do love dancing.
- Dance, dummy, dance, dummy.
- Whoa!
Nice try, Beanie, baby.
But for once, I'm in control here,
and now, we're gonna
head back to Dreamland,
so that I can be with Mom.
- What?
- Mom.
That's right. I'm your brother.
- Are you gaslighting me?
- Yeah!
Man, this is one screwy family tree.
Speaking of, what'd Mom do?
Sleep with an oak?
And Dagmar promised me the throne
when I was a little boy.
And there's nothing you
or that foolish father of ours
can do about it.
You hear that, Zøg?
Yeah, I hear you. Yank!
You'll be sorry!
Have fun drowning, Freckles!
Wood floats, you crumbum!
What? I'm back where I started.
All right, Bad Bean, if you were me,
where would you hide you?
Nah, too obvious.
Too subtle.
Wait a minute, that's a great idea!
Severed head, you're a genius.
Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
Okay, that's enough. Mommy's satisfied.
Okay, go on, go to your throne.
That's it. Go to your throne.
Now, why can't all of Bean's
little friends be that cooperative?
Unfortunately, they have brains, darling.
You and Luci get on like old chums.
Why don't you work
that pathetic relationship
and get the location
of Bad Bean's head out of him?
Might as well get something.
But, Dag, dear, you know
severed heads give me the willies.
Ever since that summer
they invented the guillotine.
This is not a negotiation. Go.
Yeah. Satan, old poop stack, like, scram.
Listen to that evil, arousing laughter.
If I never died, those creeps
would not be occupying the throne room.
Well, maybe still Scruffles.
You gotta stop dwelling on the past, Elfo.
How about you just learn
from your mistakes and move on?
Nope, sorry. Uh-uh.
Elfo does not learn from his mistakes.
Ever. He's a sucker.
Luci is right, you know. I am a sucker.
I just wish I knew who shot me.
Everyone who has ever met you
has a motive.
Well, even if you knew,
it wouldn't change anything.
You can't undo the past.
You know my motto. "Undo it!"
Ugh. If only.
Follow me, schlimazel.
I got an idea so crazy,
it just might work.
Or kill you. I'm not picky.
Et voilà, mes petits boneheads.
The crystal ball?
Get ready to time travel, baby.
Time travel?
No, no, no, boys.
Not a good idea to mess with the past.
All the books say
time travel is dangerous,
especially the book by that guy
who hasn't been born yet.
Please. I'm an elf.
Sucking on lollipops is dangerous,
but I thought this thing
just shows the past.
Can it actually take me back in time?
Someone's coming!
Continuing our castle tour,
this is the crystal ball room.
And that girl with the mop is Mop Girl.
She's cleaning up a puddle of Luci.
And there's pregnant Elfo.
I had a baby, but it wasn't a baby.
It was a burrito.
Okay, bye.
Uh Where's Elfo?
Oh, no. Look.
How much you wanna bet
he destroys reality?
Either way, I won't have to pay.
Elfo, what are you doing?
Is that some kind of giant gum ball
you have there?
Mightn't I have a lick?
Shh. Please, Merkimer,
keep your voice down.
So where are you headed?
Let me join you on your quest.
It's a secret time traveling mission.
If I pull this off, it will fix
everything that's gone wrong.
You mean I could be human again?
Oh, um, no.
Only stuff that happened after
Never mind. Not interested.
Freaks, please! Okay?
The good news is, you are no longer
exploited victims of a cruel system.
But you are also now
officially cargo. So, quiet.
And now we dive. Next stop, Dreamland.
- Excuse me, Captain Mermaid?
- What?
Uh, might it be a small problem
if the hatch is still open?
What's a hatch?
Help! I'm too lazy to swim.
In an emergency,
I could be used as a flotation device.
Yeah! Beach party on Derek Island tonight.
There it isn't,
the invisible gates of Elfwood.
Looks so peaceful and quiet now.
Hard to believe this was the very spot
where I got brutally murdered.
Now to go back in time and fix everything.
Oh, magic crystal time ball, take me back
to right before I was murdered.
It worked. There I am.
I am the master of time and destiny.
Elfo's out there
destroying the space-time continuum.
Some guys have all the fun.
Oh, how I long for the days
when a horrified shriek would thrill me.
But I'm married now, so nothing does.
In fact, the wife seems to
enjoy keeping me on edge.
Is there a place around here
where I can hide from Dagmar
and soothe my jangled nerves?
There's the cafeteria, and
The old castle mental ward.
What a wonderful idea.
Let's go there now.
Look, Luci, these prison bars
hold so much pain and anguish.
Such a lovely sound,
like home away from home.
It is strangely comforting.
Almost hypnotic. Uh-oh.
Listen to the sound
of my voice, Luci, so smooth.
Some have even said dulcet.
You will follow the sound down, down, down
into the innermost reaches of your mind.
You lost me at dulcet.
JK, I'm back onboard.
You are lost without my soothing words.
When I tap again, you will follow my voice
wherever it commands,
and you will reveal the location
of Bad Bean's head.
You are under my spell.
Yes, master.
You'll do anything I say.
Yes, master.
Excellent. Now
Yes, master.
Yes, great. I want you
Yes, master.
- Let me finish
- Yes, master.
Are you truly hypnotized
or are you just screwing with me?
Yes, master.
I command you to stop saying,
"Yes, master."
Yes, master.
- Get out!
- Me or Turbish, master?
Both of you! No, I need you.
Stay seated. I command
Yes, master.
Have you seen my baby burrito?
Get out!
Okay, bye.
We're all gonna die!
Well, I won't.
But I vow to stay with you all
until the last person drowns.
It's hood ornament mommy.
Hurray, we're saved!
There's not a first-class poop deck,
is there?
Ugh! You know this is pirate boat,
not rescue boat.
Can we at least rob them as we save them?
Is wrong to do, so do.
I'm about to die.
By order of your father,
you will stand aside, Tiabeanie.
Hey, nobody calls me "Tiabeanie",
except my best friends
and my worst enemies.
Now, to kill the killer
before he or she kills me.
This is it. Oh, man, it could be anybody.
Odval? He's hated me ever since
I named his third eyeball "Soul Stealer."
Turbish? He is fiendishly clever.
Is it Pendergast?
Nah, he's just standing there.
We are a team.
- I always thought so.
- Really?
I gotta act fast. I'm about to get shot.
It was Pendergast.
He's picking up an arrow.
No, Elfo! Elfo, speak to me. Elfo.
Who did that?
I did that.
"Had enough?" What do you think?
This is my worst screw-up yet.
Stupid bow and arrow.
No one can ever know about any of this.
I gotta take this shame to my grave.
Well, my next grave.
I will have you back home in no time.
That's great. I can't tell time anyway.
Oona, I hope it's not awkward,
me being here.
You know, 'cause you're Zøg's ex
and I'm Zøg's now.
And he and I make love
like, well, wild bears.
It was not awkward until you brag.
Uh, Zøg is more like friend to me now.
And I have many of those.
There's one. Bonjour, Annabelle.
Can I ask you a question about Zøg?
If about Zøg farting in bed, no.
No way to stop it.
Why you think I sleep on ceiling?
I don't know what will happen
when we get back.
You'll figure it out.
Zøggie may be a king,
but we both know he is wild at heart.
Can't get the crazy lug out of my head.
You know what I do when I need
to get insanity out of my head?
You're right. I feel great.
So, how was your ill-advised time trip
with the crystal ball
I warned you not to take?
I didn't take anything anywhere.
My arms naturally bend backwards this way.
You can't run from the past, Elfo.
Watch me.
Hiding under a bridge
ain't gonna solve your problem.
Unless you're part Troll, are ya?
Trolls are sneaky and cunning.
Does that sound like me?
I didn't think so.
I just wanna talk.
Leave me alone, will you?
You're just gonna tell me,
"I told you so," and I feel bad enough.
Hey. Friends don't make friends
feel worse, unless you're Luci.
He thinks he's being so naughty,
but don't you wanna hug him like a baby?
So, what happened to make you so upset?
Did you find out who shot you?
It was Pendergast.
But don't worry.
I killed him first and fixed everything,
so we don't have to talk about it.
Elfo, you can lie to me,
but don't lie to yourself.
How do you know I'm lying?
Because, duh, you and I
still exist in the same timeline.
If you changed things, I would know.
Fine. But can we talk inside?
I don't feel like being humiliated
in front of a bunch of gophers.
We're chipmunks, you idiot.
Oh, shut up.
Good evening, Stanley, Touchy.
I am merely showing my friend, Satan,
something I hid that I must now reveal.
I am not hypnotized.
I just like talking this way.
Go right ahead, gents.
Mi dungeon es su dungeon.
I'm sensing a million screaming souls
and the most wonderful aftershave.
Here, after you, my sweet Dark Lord.
Inka binka, dinka, binka, boohoo.
It's hundreds of severed heads.
Well, I suppose
it is the perfect place to hide one.
Thank you for the compliment,
Your hen-pecked Highness.
This way, please.
Up there, at the top of these rickety,
rotting shelves, Bad Bean's head.
Well, aren't you
going to go fetch it for me?
Too hypnotized to climb.
I hope Dagmar appreciates this.
The things I do for love
and not being yelled at.
Mmm. Higher, master.
That's too high.
- Down. To the left.
- The left.
I mean right.
Diagonal to the west. Almost there.
- Uh-huh. Like this?
- Perfect.
Bad Bean's head was never here,
was it, Luci?
You chump!
I can't believe you thought
you'd get away
with your tired, old hypnotism routine.
Go back to Vaudeville, you loser.
And then my arrow missed,
and I hit myself.
Ugh. I promised if I ever died,
I'd have this really big death,
but instead, I just looked like a fool.
No, you didn't.
When they brought you back,
you looked like
a very peaceful little corpse.
I thought you were so handsome
in your tiny glass coffin.
All my life I've been
a screw-diddly-doo-up,
and now I have proof. That's my destiny.
Elfo, destiny isn't real.
It's just a word humans made up
to explain anything beyond their control.
We don't have to live that way.
We're not human.
What do you mean, "We're not"
Just be in charge of your life right now.
The past is done,
and the future, it has yet to be created.
You can make it whatever you want.
Be whoever you want.
Wait, then how come
you're nothing but a, you know
Member of the custodial staff?
I'm biding my time,
studying, reading, scheming.
I'm gonna be a wizard someday.
Maybe the next Sorcerio.
Oh. Please. You have
way more talent in your little pinky
than Sorcerio has
in his whole fleshy, sagging body.
And, well, you've definitely
cast a spell on me, Mop Girl.
Oh, thanks. And I like who you are. A lot.
But I know you could be much better.
You have it in you
to become a great fighter,
or maybe even a leader
of, you know, wee folk.
I believe in you, Elfo.
Gee, thanks. You're right.
I can do anything I want. Starting now.
Elfo, the ball.
Screw destiny and this stupid ball.
Here's to a totally blank future.
You could have used
the crystal ball to go back in time
even earlier and stop yourself
from killing yourself.
- What?
- I'm kidding. Maybe. Probably.
Who knows? What the hell.
Does it matter now?
You know what? I feel free.
Free to do anything, go anywhere.
I know a shattering crystal ball
when I hear one. Guards!
But we better hide here tonight.
Honestly, a hayloft with you is a step up
from the sack of turnips
I usually sleep on.
Good work. You managed
to find every head in the kingdom
except the one I'm looking for.
Luci and dry rot conspired against me.
Ugh! So wimpy. Come, headless Bean.
Looks like it's up to us now.
Is this my future?
I mean, we could spruce this place up
and make a pretty nice B and B.
Or maybe when we wake up,
Bean will be back.
And we'll finally beat Dagmar.
And then we can all hang out forever
and be happy.
Whoa, happiness.
That'll take some getting used to.
Or maybe we'll all go off
and do new things with new people
because none of us should be alone.
Maybe I'll have scary adventures
and have to overcome my deepest fears.
And after that, maybe I'll finally finish
my epic novel full of flaming passion
and mysteries hiding in plain sight.
I hope it has a happy ending.
Anything can happen, starting tomorrow.
What the
Touch my ear again and I'll kill you.
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