Disenchantment (2018) s03e07 Episode Script

1
Okay. Dreamland is straight that way.
Whoa!
This goose gun is worthless.
Stop honking, Dad.
You're confusing things.
Nice shootin', Beanie.
But you missed all the gooses.
Yeah, but I better not miss Dagmar.
Dad, do you think I'm ready?
Aw, Sweetie,
it's always an awkward situation
when your daughter
wants to kill her mother.
On the other hand, Dagmar's my ex-wife.
So that evens things out. Huh.
What you really gotta worry about
is that things in Dreamland
have a disturbing tendency
to come back to life.
All this grey nothingness spreading out
before us is mighty peaceful,
ain't it, Bean?
The gentle swish
of the propeller blades
just inches above our heads
is so relaxing.
- But everything is A-okay right now.
- And we're getting close to home.
D'you mind if I get a little shut-eye?
Climb!
Now, dive! Now, fly through that hole!
Got it.
Did you see that?
That mountain lunged at us out of nowhere.
From now on, let's stick to mules.
They don't crash so much.
I swear, this is the same fog
we passed before.
Do you know where we're going?
Yeah, we're headin'
for that fog over there.
Hell no! I don't know.
Ah, man, we gotta turn around.
I left my peanuts back at the crash site.
I ate 'em.
How'd this door get here?
What I wanna know
is whether we're inside or outside.
Well, only one way to find out.
Hey, hey let us in. Or maybe out.
Oh, it's you, Zøg. Come in.
Oh, no, Chazz.
What is this place?
Reminds me of art school.
Grab 'em!
Bean, use your superpowers.
Hey. What tickles?
Why isn't my lightning working?
Uh, maybe your electro gland is backed up.
I still got sand in every orifice.
- That must be uncomfortable.
- What?
It gets kinda chilly at night,
but don't worry.
I got a blanket to keep you warm.
Hey, if you think tonight's bad,
just think of the rest of your life.
Giggles!
Hello there, King-a-ling.
Oh, what's the matter? You scared?
No, I ain't scared.
Then why're you acting like an hourglass?
Hey, Zøg. I hope you enjoy
our Junior Executive Suite
for repeat customers,
with free live jazz echoing
through the hallways all night long.
Jazz.
Don't worry, Dad.
Okay, I'm gonna get us
the honk out of here.
In the meantime, just breathe. All right?
It's just It's like yelling
with the volume turned all the way down.
Breathe easy, Dad. It's just you and me.
Hello, Bean.
Big Jo!
It's nice to see such a loving
father-daughter relationship.
Something I never had with Porky.
- What are you doing here?
- Just a standard kidnapping,
carried out by Chazz, my former intern.
You know how it is.
Well, that's what you get
for being, you know, you.
You're right, Bean. I was a pretty bad me.
But ever since
attending group therapy 14 times a day,
I have come to the realization
that I was lashing out
because of all those years
of childhood bullying.
- You were bullied?
- No, I was the bully.
I specialized in tormenting
the weak and the small.
Slapping, pinching, towel snapping,
hocking loogies, ear flicking,
puddle splashing,
throwing dirt clods, giving swirlies,
putting excessive amounts of hot sauce
on someone's French fries, and the like.
It was a heavy responsibility.
That's horrible.
But that's all in the past.
I am truly sorry for hurting you
and your little friends.
While I enjoyed it immensely,
it was wrong.
Do you accept my apology?
Aw! Yeah,
I can never stay mad at you, Big Jo.
Ew, clammy.
Black magic.
Why, Tiabeanie, you sly dog.
You've been holding out on me.
Hmm.
Dagmar, I must say, your caresses
last night were unusually gentle.
Guess again, Buttercup.
Like, uh, guilty as charged.
Well, I had a wonderful sleep,
despite your nocturnal hijinks.
Rise and shine. I brought breakfast.
Like, uh, yum.
Just for Mom, not the butt-kiss brigade.
Well, if you're gonna be, like, uh,
hurtful, let's, uh, vamoose out of here.
Follow me, boys.
Ugh!
Wait a minute. Did you poison
these scrambled eggs?
That's adorable.
I don't wanna poison you.
I wanna be your obedient, evil daughter
and take over the world with you.
I hope you like your oatmeal.
Bring in the Royal Taster.
The Royal Taster died
earlier this morning.
His last words were, "It's safe."
Eat.
All the way, Turbish.
It's safe. But your oatmeal
is way overcooked, Bad Bean.
Wait, you weren't trying to poison me?
Guh! Mom, no.
What kind of evil daughter are you?
Next time you bring me breakfast,
see that you do and don't.
Uh, okay.
Good morning, Your Highnesseses.
Did you just Highness us together?
Never do that.
I am the goddamn First Queen,
and Bad Bean only becomes my Sub-Queen
once she's coronated,
which is something I wanted
to talk to you about, dear.
You see, once you put on this crown,
some very special things
will happen for Mummy.
I don't know.
When it's screwed all the way on my head,
won't it, like, hurt a bunch?
It may tickle a bit initially,
but once the screws do the work,
you'll hardly remember the pain.
All you'll be thinking about
is how we're ruling together
over the most powerful force on Earth.
We'll be ruling together?
Yes, darling. Well, 60-40-ish.
Can we subjugate people?
We can subjugate
whomever we want, sweetie,
but Mummy can't do it without your help.
Only you can wear the crown of pain.
I mean, crown of power.
Only you can unleash the magic.
Wow, I almost forgot how ugly
this crown is on me. Thank you.
And it really distracts
from your neck scar.
Now, let's get you dressed.
- I'm dressed.
- No, you're not.
7:00 a.m.
trampoline wake-up.
Anyone caught not jumping high enough
will be sprayed with the hot coffee hose.
Hello, everybody. I'm Dr. Mulberry,
substituting for Dr. Fulton,
who was beaten to death last night
with a fireplace poker.
Before we begin
this morning's group therapy session,
would anyone like to share?
Perhaps our newbie. Garbanzo, is it?
- Bean.
- Correct.
Let me out of here.
I don't even like sharing
my feelings with people I know.
Hmm.
Don't struggle, Beanie.
I tunneled my way outta here before.
All we need is
years of patience and the right tools.
You mean my grandma's diggin' skull?
Tinkle in the wind, Grandma. Tinkle away.
Note to self, how many grandmas
does Giggles have?
Now, Bean, tell me more.
I'm not like the other maniacs.
I need to get out of here so I can go
to Dreamland to kill my mother.
I remember when I killed my mother.
I sliced her face off
with an apple peeler,
then made it into a comical mask.
I'm wearing it now.
I conked my mom on the old coconut
with an even older coconut.
My grandma was like a mother to me.
That's why I saved her for last.
Wait a minute.
How many of you killed your mothers?
You too?
Oh, you don't get to where I am now
without killing a mother or two.
Wow, I've been trying and failing
to kill my mom for so long.
I'm not even sure now
with my magic powers
Magic powers? Ooh, which ones you got?
I got super nosiness.
Well, for some reason, right now,
I I can't show you my powers
because they're not working,
but it is really cool when it happens.
Uh, I I can make lightning bolts
shoot out of my hands.
It's like
And then they shoot,
and it's pretty. It's pretty powerful.
I'm basically a god.
You'll have to excuse her.
She's a little cuckoo. You know.
Bean, go on.
But only if it's entertaining.
It doesn't matter, 'cause,
I mean, even with my powers,
I still don't know if I can kill Dagmar.
Every time I try,
she keeps coming back to life.
Bean, has it ever occurred to you
that you haven't been successful
in murdering your mother
because something is holding you back?
An early childhood trauma, perhaps?
Or something deep in your heart,
like a baby vampire.
What?
Find what's holding you back,
and you will be able to kill.
You really think so?
I know so.
Trust me, I've released
many, many nutjobs back into society.
Why, Chazz, for example.
You got that flip-flop, Doc.
I released you back into society,
and I saw what you did to Dr. Fulton.
You Chazzed him up real good
And our time is up.
But good news, it's fishwich Friday
in the cafeteria today.
Yay!
Calm down.
The cafeteria closed five minutes ago.
Aw.
But there's free play
in the courtyard till nap time.
Yay!
Nap time!
Buh-bye!
Now, darling,
the most important part
of being Evil Queen
is picking the perfect wardrobe.
Your outfits must be seductive
and intimidating at the same time.
Weaponize that cleavage, I say.
Check these out.
Wow, Mom.
Those shoulder wingdings really say,
"I'm your ultimate fantasy
- and worst nightmare."
- Thank you, dear.
My outfit says, "Clothes are stupid,
and if you criticize mine, I'll kill you."
You like it?
Well, you tried. And failed.
But at least you tried. And failed.
Let's go. We've got a kingdom to terrify.
That is why I always
lashed out at you the most, Porky.
Because deep down,
I am scared of how much I need you.
Will you ever forgive me?
Oh, Porky.
You know that's not the real Porky, right?
Oh, I know.
Sock Porky is far more expressive.
Yes, let's put Porky away now
and engage in some roleplay therapy.
Isn't that exactly what I was just doing?
Bean, we're going to have you
pretend to be Zøg's daughter.
I am his daughter.
Oh! She's pretty good.
No, seriously. He's my dad.
Yeah, I did it with her mom
and everything.
Fascinating. Do go on. Explicitly.
In a deep, sexy voice.
And make slurping noises, if you will.
Oh, my God, don't slurp.
Fine, Bean.
You killed the mood. Let's move on.
Bean, you'll be you,
and Zøg, you will be Bean's mother.
Sure.
Hello, darling.
Yes, yes. Bean, do you have anything
you want to say to your mother?
Um, yeah. Mom, I'm
I'm probably gonna kill you soon.
What? Kill me? Your gorgeous, sexy, leggy,
but unbearable witchy
she-devil, twisted excuse for a mother?
Why, darling?
I want to kill you because
I wanna kill you because
because you've hurt
everybody I've ever cared about.
You ruined my life.
This is stupid.
Probably, but keep going. Dig deeper.
Okay. All right, okay.
Um, you really are the worst mom ever.
But I mean, I guess
I didn't always wanna kill you.
I I used to love you,
especially when you were dead.
That was a great time. But now, I just
But now what, Bean?
But now, if you're the queen of Hell,
I I can't just kill you,
because you'd still be able
to get into my dreams.
I have to destroy you.
Wonderful. A breakthrough. Keep going.
That means no Heaven for you,
or no Hell for you.
You just won't exist at all.
And it makes me feel
It makes me feel I don't know.
Killing your mother is one thing,
but wiping her from existence,
that's gonna, like, totally mess me up.
What if I can't come back from that?
And what if I really
don't come back from it?
I mean, by undoing my mother's
very existence, what if I cease to exist?
Whoa.
That's heavy, man.
Dude, I am not high enough for this.
Beanie, that's not a sacrifice
you should make.
Let's just move to Yum Yum Island
or somethin'. Start over.
Dad, what if it's the only way
to save Dreamland? Okay? It might be.
Oof. Uncomfortable.
Okay, that's enough good work for today.
Oh, boy. Now my favorite part of group.
Graham crackers and grape juice.
Then meditation time.
Meditation time!
Grandma!
Whoa!
Blech. These are stale.
Ah. Mmm.
Dear diary,
the mood is stupidly hopeful
as we make camp on the eve of war
against Queen Dagmar
and her skimpy, slinky battle outfit.
The days ahead are dark
and our alliances uneasy,
but we are united in this humble camp,
where everyone, be they elf, fairy, human,
worm, troll, oaf, douchebag, or whatsit,
comes to terms with the brevity of life.
Watch as they fortify themselves
with camaraderie, grab-ass,
and chunky possum chowder.
drink up.
And that upside-down Trøg
over there? Why, that's Benji,
and you don't wanna know
what he's up to his neck in.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
Taking this castle isn't going to be easy.
It's not going to be fun.
We will lose good people along the way.
But
Oh, no, yeah, that's it. We're screwed.
Sorry, my intonation was misleading.
Say something positive
to inspire 'em,
like you did with me, ya dunce.
Okay, fine.
We do have one important advantage.
Nobody cares about us.
Yeah, she ain't wrong
about that one, pipsqueaks.
This right here is a suicide mission.
That I can guarantee. See you all in Hell.
I will be the one with the pitchfork
jabbing your bum-bum.
- Oh.
- The key to our attack is stealth.
Weirdo, with your subterranean
Peeping Tom skills,
you'll lead a squadron up
through the sewer pipes
into the throne room from below. Here.
Rulo, you'll lead Elf Force Five
to converge with Weirdo here.
This is much better than my plan
to drown everyone in hot fudge.
It was a stupid idea.
I just love hot fudge.
Merkimer here.
As a very loud and popular Dreamlander,
what derring-do do I do?
Methinks public relations, perhaps?
Can you track Dagmar and Bad Bean's
every move without getting overly aroused?
I promise nothing.
And the rest of you
will line up here for the sneak attack.
Nice, you finally found a use
for one of those unsold Luci figurines.
Excuse you.
People only bought the Elfo one
because it turns into a mini bong.
Well, at least I'm not
a little, rubber pig like Merkimer.
If you squeeze me, I fart.
You or the toy?
Yes. Thank you for the set-up.
Boys, I know this is your schtick,
but shut the hell up.
At the key moment, we'll separate Dagmar
and Bad Bean with a wedge.
A wedge of cheese?
No, Granny Meesekin. I keep telling you,
there is no cheese in this plan.
There is only violence and victory.
Ooh, violence. I like it.
I don't know how to explain it, Dad,
but as soon as I said it,
I knew it was what I have to do.
Erase Dagmar from existence? Oh, boy.
And you know the crazy thing,
I maybe won't even be around
to know if it worked.
What if it doesn't?
I mean, that would really piss me off.
Provided me was even there, of course.
I'm afraid she may be right, Zøg.
Heroes sometimes must sacrifice themselves
so others may survive.
And by your powers, Tiabeanie,
it's clear that you are the one prophesied
in story, song, folktale, limerick,
and outhouse graffiti.
Beanie, don't listen to Bad Jo over there.
Big Jo.
Big Bad Jo. You shouldn't have to choose
between existing and saving Dreamland.
Baby girl, you gotta save yourself.
You're all I got.
My only kid I can split a cigar with.
The other two don't never inhale right.
Tiabeanie, there will come a time
when you must choose
who you would live for
and for whom you would die.
- Mora.
- The mermaid?
What do you think?
It's 3:00 a.m.
This is DJ Chazz
with smooth jazz to make you sleepy.
Drum solo!
I just wanna go home, take a bath,
kill my mom and get on with my life.
Is that too much to ask?
Huh, Bean. Looks like you've learned
to talk to yourself out loud.
- Good, good. Care to share?
- Let me out of this chair.
I'll share my fist with your face.
How about that?
Now, are you sure that's the best use
of our time and my face?
You're just like my mother,
second-guessing me.
Ooh! Sounds like you're onto something.
My whole life, everywhere I go,
it's been her voice
in my head, doubting me.
I can't get away from her.
Have you ever had an underwater sex dream
with your own mom peeking at you
from behind some coral?
Only all of them.
That's it. Go with it. Get angry. Go nuts.
That's what I'm talking about.
Dagmar always made me feel like
there was something wrong with me too.
I didn't talk good or dress all royal-like
or sneer at Bunty right.
But maybe there's
nothing wrong with me or any of us.
I like where she's goin' with this.
I never really believed it when people
called me a savior or called me special,
because I thought all I was was a problem.
But you know what?
I realized just now, in this chair,
the game's been rigged all along, guys.
How are any of us weirdos supposed
to succeed when people like my mother,
people like you,
are always changing the rules?
Turns out, I'm not the problem.
You're the problem.
Interesting. So you're saying
it's authority figures like me,
or parents or cops or gym teachers
or driving instructors or security guards
or snooty maître d's, perhaps even
society itself that's the problem?
And because we're scared
of what's inside us, what we see in you,
we lock you up in hellholes like this
to keep you out of sight, out of mind.
Because that's crazy.
It's a good thing you're in a loony bin.
No, we are meant to be out there
in that big world
living our lives in peace
and killing the people who try to stop us.
- Turn up the gaslighting.
- What?
Bean, this snake pit
is a place of acceptance.
Please accept this when I tell you,
sit your ass back down.
Do not tell me what to do with my ass.
Don't you get it? You don't have power
over us anymore, Doc.
Nope. We're free now. Yep.
We know who we really are.
Yeah. Who are we?
Chazz, Giggles, Bean's flipped her wig.
It's shock therapy party time.
- No. No, stop. Ow! Stop it.
- Calm down, Bean. We're just grabbing you.
Let me go, you creeps.
Give her the juice, Nurse Giggles.
Oh, come on. More than that.
Bean, are you okay?
No, I'm very irritated.
Hey, they're charging you up.
Make with the zippity-zap.
Go! Loonies, be free!
Spread your mental illness
to the far corners of the globe.
I'm gonna run for political office.
Let the killing spree begin.
Guards, save me!
Dad, scram!
I don't deserve
some of this.
Ow!
I'm so glad we are friends now.
Come, Sock Porky.
Ladies and gentlemen,
guys and girls, goofballs and rubes,
presenting for your
terror and trepidation,
the dutiful daughter
of the beautiful Queen Dagmar.
Get ready to grovel before
our princess of passion, empress of evil,
the goddess with the bodice,
the unfairly disqualified Miss Teen Ohio,
Tiabeanie Mariabeanie
De La Rochambeaux Drunkowitz.
I'm talking about Bean!
Bean!
Hello, losers.
Wait a darn second. That ain't our Bean.
She's brushed her hair.
And look at her neck scar.
She's definitely had work done.
- We don't accept you.
- Well, accept this.
We do accept you!
Ah, would you hurry up here?
You've seen 'em.
Dreamland citizens
ain't gonna save themselves.
Porky.
Oh, Porky. I have prayed for months
that we would meet again.
Ever since you were an abandoned baby
in the Enchanted Forest and I rescued you,
and abandoned you myself a week later
in the exact spot I originally found you,
and then came back out of guilt
three days later and you were still alive,
and raised you myself
even though you never talked
and only stared at me in grim reproach,
you've dedicated your life to serving me
and the cause of demon liquidation.
Well, I don't want you
to work for me anymore.
No, I'm not firing you, Porky.
I want you to be my partner.
Is Is that a knife
you're holding behind your back?
Well, I can't say
I don't deserve it.
Just make it a clean cut
across my throat, please.
Oh.
Porky, Porky, Porky.
Aw! Even creeps got feelings.
Now, pull us to Dreamland.
And no stopping for bathroom breaks
or grilled sausages, partner.
Lookie up ahead there.
You see that castle on the hill?
We're almost home.
And Dreamland sure looks
sweet and pure and beautiful from here.
You see that twinkly red light up there?
That's your bedroom.
What do you say, honey? Are you ready?
I'm ready.
And then we're gonna capture Bean
and her wisecracking little friends
and murder them in cold blood.
Can I be the one who kills Bean,
Mommy, please?
We'll kill her together, sweetheart.
As a family.