Disenchantment (2018) s03e10 Episode Script

Goodbye Bean

Yes, Gomer.
I know it's getting cold and dark.
It's not the end of the world.
Now, let's go get the magic
and turn you back
into my high school boyfriend.
This looks bad.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Worst case of deicide I ever seen.
Ooh, ooh!
Maybe I just stunned him with my brick.
You broke his head, man.
There's glass everywhere.
And watch out,
don't step on his holy shards.
Ow! My toesies.
Maybe I could pray
that God comes back alive?
Great. That'll work.
Oh, wait. No, it won't.
Because you just beaned
the universe's only prayer answerer
with a piece of heavy masonry.
Uh, hello, fellows.
I'll hide God's bod.
How's it going in our perfectly perfect
Heaven amidst the clouds?
The reason I ask
is because something's not right.
There's a chill in the air,
the birds have stopped tweeting,
the sky seems to be getting darker and
What? What is that?
Is that who I think it is?
What the hell did you do to his head?
Calm down, you glorified pigeon.
When the other angels
hear about this,
they're gonna freak out.
Let me go. I won't rat you out.
That's what I got killed for.
I dreamed this day would come.
Attention, everyone, hold onto your halos
'cause I got some big news.
God is dead!
What? No way.
Oh, yeah.
That's right, you heard me. He dead.
God, our Heavenly Father,
Lord of Lords, King of Kings,
the hostess with the mostest,
Jah Rastafari,
whatever the hell you wanna call him,
is inka-stinka-binka-dinka-
dippity-doo-dah dead!
- Why do you talk that way?
- Shut up. Leave me alone.
Now, get ready for the whole universe
to come to a screeching halt
like when a rat falls into the gears
of a Ferris wheel.
Fun's over, suckers.
God's head is a broken light bulb,
the religious implications are staggering,
and we are all screwed.
Well, that's not very
spiritually nurturing.
I call 'em like I sees 'em, brother.
Okey-dokey, let's let the wailing
and the hair pulling out
and the teeth-gnashing begin now.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
I can sneak in
through the basement sex tunnel.
Whoa! Jester, where are you going?
Oh, Bean, everything's going crazy
around here.
The orgy's canceled, the river's rising,
and whenever I say my catchphrase,
something bad happens.
- "Oh, no"?
- Oh, no!
- Hup, hup, hup, pile up!
- Hup, hup, hup, pile up!
- Hup, hup, hup, pile up!
- Hup, hup, hup, pile up!
Careful with those skip jumps.
We can't have any spillage.
I'm paying you a pretty penny
for that goo.
Goo, goo, goo, goo,
goo, ga, goo ♪
And no chanting.
Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, ga, goo
Oh, watch out, clumsy.
Oh, good, you're just in time
for our sacred secret ceremony.
Hey, I'm trying to hunt down my mom.
Does this ceremony involve killing me?
No. Though, we do have
a special VIP section for you.
Get behind the death boulder.
- Bean!
- Elfo!
Keep your voice down.
The Trøgs said
if I swear allegiance to Trøgdom
and keep my big, fat, mouth shut,
they not only won't kill me,
they'll show me the secret
to everlasting life.
Look what they gave me!
Oh, my God, you really will do anything
for a free button, won't you?
Okay, I collect them.
You're not a collector,
you don't understand.
Shh! I hear trashy stripper heels coming.
All hail Dagmar.
Enough small talk.
Now let's get this show on the road.
- What the hell?
- What the hell?
Let the ceremony begin.
Stalactites. Big deal.
Our most glorious and beautiful secret.
Pants off!
Good. Good.
Ugh, get on with it, you little perverts.
What? Uh. Oh, yes.
And now sit and spin.
Sit and spin, sit and spin.
Sit and spin, sit and spin.
Sit and spin, sit and spin.
Sit and spin, sit and spin.
That's disgusting.
Don't be judgmental, Elfo.
Is this some kind
of traditional folk dance?
Because I don't like it.
This is how we get our nourishment.
It's a very simple, natural recipe.
See the dripping up there?
Those are the holy waters
that gush down from Heaven.
And you see that mist rising from below?
Those are the steam vapors
coming straight up from Hell.
And it all comes together
right here in Dreamland,
combined with the rat urine.
And the result? Trøg magic.
Beautiful. Now, who's got some
fresh brains for me?
But we need our brains
to make precious goo.
We throw them into a multi-speed
electric blender
and set it to medium high or chunky blend.
Oh, really?
And where do you get these
electric blenders?
We built a really long tunnel
to Steamland.
We go there and shoplift small appliances.
Mixers, blenders, air fryers,
gumball machines.
And we don't got
no more brains left for you.
But you can have this mar-goo-rita.
The only ingredient is goo.
I don't want goo.
When you come for raw sashimi,
you don't settle for canned tuna.
Urgh, I want magic!
I want brains. I want my spoon!
But, Dagmar, don't you know?
Magic makes you crazy.
Are you calling me crazy?
No. I'm calling we crazy. Show her, Benji.
You're not the boss of Benji, but okay.
You know,
what most people don't know
is that brains taste
like strawberries and cream.
Having no brains
keeps you from invading our dreams,
which is swell, and there's the bonus
side effect of giving us immortality.
We just have to keep on
sucking on stalactites from now on.
Oh, my God, the only way
to live forever is to lose your brains.
I would never do that.
I'm gonna die lonely
in a basement apartment,
just like Pops always said.
How many times do I have to kill you?
As many times as it takes. Wait.
Mmm-mmm. It's getting darker, Jer.
Evil is definitely gonna triumph.
I should be dancing around and scatting
in that annoying way I do,
but I just remembered, poof,
no more universe.
No more good, no more evil,
no more nothing.
I'm actually gonna miss existence.
But what if What if
What if God left behind
some kind of user's manual to guide you.
You could take over and become the new God
instead of just pacing around
like a schmuck.
You could be right, Jerry.
I could be next in line
to run the whole shebang.
I could be King Luci!
Ooh, ooh! Can I be the son of God?
I don't see why not.
Okay. Now, let's look around
for that user's manual
that may or may not exist.
We're on shaky ground theologically,
but I'm guessing God's gotta have
a hiding place around here somewhere.
Luci! Come quick.
Scamper if you can. I've found somethin'.
Look! It's a knob.
Oh, my God!
I mean me. Potentially.
Oh, Bean.
It almost makes me teary.
This may be the last time I ever get
to chase you down a cave below the castle.
Maybe I set a trap for you, Mom.
Maybe you're gonna die.
Wait. Do you have a trap?
You're not just bluffing?
I'm always bluffin', Elfo.
Or maybe not. Jump!
What? Oh, no. Air!
Hold your breath.
- Don't breathe in the shroom spores.
- Too late.
Oh, hell yes!
Wow, it's true.
Mushrooms are the best medicine.
Hey, Bean, what if it turned out
this whole thing was a dream?
Wouldn't that be infuriating?
Do you hear something coming?
I hope it's cereal
because I'm horny for Cocoa Puffs.
I say that 'cause I'm on drugs.
I've got you now! What the hell?
I have a question.
Are there thousands of baby spiders
crawling on my face or just hundreds?
Are you freakin' out, Mom?
Are you freakin' out, mother figure?
You freakin'?
Elfo, I think she's freakin' out.
Yeah, Mom. Are you freakin' out?
You're not my mom, Elfo.
Why must we fight all the time?
Let's get in a big love pile
and hug it out.
Yes! Love pile.
- Get out of here, Turbish!
- Okay, bye.
Whoo! That was so cathartic.
Oh, no!
How do you two want to die?
Crosscut or top to bottom?
How about a nice rump roast? Mmm?
Elfo, grab her swordy thing.
It's sharp.
Not the pointy side,
the the the grabber end.
Come on!
I must say that drug trip
is the most fun I've had with you
since you were a girl in this very Cavern.
Remember? We sat on that rock,
and I told you those lies.
Elfo, get her!
I miss the lust heap.
There. I've killed the last
of your little friends.
I'm not dead.
Oh, no.
Elf juice?
I win!
Dang it. Why did you even have me?
You know there's such a thing
as adoption, right?
Did someone order a stepmother?
Crazy girl!
Thank you, Oona.
You've made this easy for me.
I don't need any of you anymore.
I've got the magic, I've got the beauty,
and now
I've got the immortality!
Dagmar, I may not be able to defeat you
and your snobby accent,
but I can save Dreamland
by destroying magic forever.
In the name of stience. Run!
Help me, Oona.
I've got nothing left to give.
I don't got magic, Bean.
All I got for you is drugs and love.
The lizard and the loser together at last.
What a joke.
Is joke?
Or is?
Oh, no.
Wait, where's Elfo?
I don't thinks he made it, Bean.
Oh, Elfo. You came back for me.
No, I didn't. You grabbed my hand.
Stay with me a moment, will you?
Hmm. That feels nice.
Your skin is so soft.
You got a good grip there, fella.
It's like you
worked construction or something.
Really. Okay. It's time to let me go now.
What are you doing? Let go of my hand.
Let go of my goddamn hand! Please, woman!
I'm taking you with me, Elfo.
You'll be my eternal servant in Hell!
Are you sure you're not thinking
of Caresso?
Screw Caresso. I want you.
You know what the Trøgs say,
"You don't get what you want,
you get what you deserve."
Hey, everybody! I'm alive and
I appreciate all the sympathy
and heavy breathing, Derek,
but would you guys mind leaving me
alone with Mora? Just for a bit?
We didn't get to spend
all that much time together,
but I will treasure every moment.
Before you, I didn't know what love was.
But a new life opened up to me
the second I met you at the Freak Show.
There was something so special
when I busted open your fish tank
with the sledgehammer
and you flopped on top of me.
I remember when I first looked
into your eyes and you smiled.
That was a good, good moment.
That was like a dream.
In fairy tales, the kiss of true love
brings back the beloved.
Nope, this is not a fairy tale.
Look, Jerry, light bulbs.
Stacks of 'em.
Brand-new hardware-store-fresh
light bulbs.
Where's your brick?
Hand it over.
Wait a minute. What are you gonna do?
Smash the light bulbs.
- Okay, then. Wait a minute.
- What?
If you smash the light bulbs,
God can never come back.
We took a vote and everyone agreed
I would become the new God,
and you would be my number two, man.
My butler. Cool butler Jerry.
Now butle-up, Jer.
But we don't have no proof
you could become God anyway.
You yourself pointed out
everything is slowin' down and fadin' out.
- That's what's gonna happen.
- Look, Jer, I need this.
I had a very traumatic childhood.
I never told you this,
but my drinking buddy stiffed me
on the bill multiple times.
But Luci, why not
for once in your life choose love?
Okay, let me tell you about love,
buddy boy. Love is a scam.
The people who proclaim love
are the ones who pollute the air,
join love cults or dumbass fraternities,
shoot mooses, spill oil,
promote insane vaccine conspiracies
You're right. Take the brick.
All right, come on, Jer.
Give me a hand with this thing.
- I don't wanna drop it.
- Aw! Gee, Luci. You're the best.
And don't you forget it.
Now let's screw this into God's gaping
neck hole and see what happens.
Inka. Dinka. Binka. Bonka. Boom!
Ah! What a refreshing nap.
I didn't have any
of my usual recurring nightmares.
Did I snore?
No, God, you was dead.
Dead tired, that is.
I hope you rested well, Lordy.
Why is you being so modest, Luci?
God, I'm the one what killed you.
Luci's the one
what brung you back to life.
I know all that, Jerry.
I was just testing you.
I was going to smite you.
Maybe even mega smite you.
But for your honesty about killing me,
I forgive you.
So, this is the murder weapon. Hmm.
Look out below!
Now, Luci, I'd like to know
why you were so modest
about bringing me back to life.
Pfft. Ah, geez, man.
When you're a dirty, dark demon
and you don't allow God to just die,
it's bad for your reputation.
I'll never live this down.
Such integrity from one
of Hell's tiniest flunkies.
I never would have thunk it.
Luci, I don't usually do this,
but I really like you,
and you did save my life.
Maybe that's why I like you.
Here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give you a single wish.
Right now, no holds barred,
- anything you want.
- Anything at all?
Do you want wealth? Fame? Success?
You wanna be a big shot?
Would you like to lose weight?
Eat endless pies?
Maybe total enlightenment?
Pick one thing. It's hard, isn't it?
Does the wish have to be for me?
Strange. No one has ever asked that.
The answer is the wish can be
for anyone you want.
Well, then my wish is for Mora the Mermaid
to come back alive. For Bean.
Interesting. May I ask why?
Why? Because Bean has tried so hard
and done so much.
Because Bean deserves love.
Because the love of Bean's life is Mora,
and because
Because what?
Because I love Bean.
Oh, that's beautiful, Luci.
Yeah, yeah, leave me alone.
I'm gonna give you a big hug.
Do I feel tears on my tunic?
Are you cryin', Luci?
I'm not crying. I'm not crying.
I That was me laughing.
I'm a clown. I just
I have no feelings, you know me.
I'm all like, bibbidi-bobbidi bibbidi
Skippity-skoppity skip.
I hereby grant Luci's wish.
Mora the Mermaid comes back
to life for Bean.
I hate this. Everything sucks.
My mom is dead, and yet, where's the joy?
What is that smell?
My boots or Mora's rotting fish body?
Sorry, Mora.
Apology accepted, Bean.
By the way, what reeks are your boots.
Mora? You're alive?
Just don't stab me anymore, okay?
There's other ways to get to my heart.
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls, elves and Trøgs,
and, yes, Moleman, I'm looking at you.
Today is a day of victory and celebration.
Dagmar has been defeated
and crunched by a big rocky cave thing.
Satan has been vanquished and emasculated.
All our enemies have been killed
or they ran away.
And best of all, I'm in love.
I'd like to thank a lot of people
who have been instrumental
in making this victory possible.
First of all, the grossly
underappreciated Mop Girl.
Maybe it's your hair, who knows?
And next, my best buds,
Elfo and, wherever you are, Luci.
Elfo, you said destiny is baloney.
You said we have to make our own destiny.
And I rejected
thinking that for a long time,
but now that it doesn't matter anymore,
I can finally embrace it. Thank you.
Aw! You learned me stuff too.
And, Luci, my darling demon, Luci,
you ruined my life,
and somehow I'm a better person for it.
You were and will always be
my favorite drinking buddy.
And to my reptile, my gecko, newt,
salamander, whatever you are,
pirate-stepmom Oona,
you were always there for me. I love you.
Aw! And I'm so glad we got high together
and ran around the fountain 93 times.
Then I brush your hair
for five hours straight,
and all your head lice jump to Derek.
And I am so sorry
I took the last of the stash.
I will make it up to you.
Do not worry, I did not forget
about you, little bro.
Derek, I salute you.
Look at you!
Look at that handsome little beard stubble
and your hot pixie girlfriend. You did it.
Oh, yeah. It's a pretty torrid romance.
I just wish she wouldn't keep stealing
from my coin collection.
You get your money back when you
stop talkin' about the big skillet.
Next, the loudest man in Dreamland.
You know him, you love him,
and I think he stopped honking finally,
my dad, King Zøg.
All right, all right.
Please hold your applause to the end
or we're gonna be here all day.
Good news, everyone. I'm in love too!
- Dad, we have a schedule to stick to.
- Who cares about your schedule?
I'd like to introduce my bear companion,
Ursula the Bear,
and our son, Bear Boy.
That ain't a costume.
That's what he really looks like.
All right, we're outta here.
- Dad, where're you goin'?
- Where am I goin'? I'm goin' to the woods.
- You do what you want.
- We're going to have lots of sex.
Ew, Mom!
Excuse me, but may I make a final comment
without getting shot in the face
by a mysterious arrow?
While I find your merry little
storybook shenanigans mildly diverting,
I feel obligated to express my disapproval
of the many plot holes,
disturbing characters,
and jokes I plain don't get.
Not only that,
you resolve way too many scenes
with ridiculous,
gratuitously violent out-of-the-blue
All right then, uh, next up,
representing the Trøgs is Hencho!
Hencho? All right, has anyone seen Hencho?
I want to thank all the Trøgs
for your generous donations of goo.
Special kudos go to Hencho,
even though he won't sell me his hat.
Just joking, it's hideous.
Hey! I got this hat at a yard sale.
Hencho, nobody's interested
in your backstory.
Now, I have but one more task
that needs to be fulfilled.
Bring me Queen Bean, alive and unharmed,
for she will be my stience co-pilot.
It is best that she not know
the full details of the expedition as yet.
Just throw this roomy soiled bag
over Bean's head
and bring her directly
to the rocket's cockpit,
where I will be awaiting
for our trip to you know where.
- When's dessert, buttwipe?
- Quiet. Benji.
The rest of you, I sense your intensity.
This voyage is going to be
a mission of great adventure
and industrial research.
Just get Bean into the bag
and away we'll go.
No, not me. Bean, you fools, Bean.
Let me out. I can't breathe.
I have a fear of poetic justice.
And now, it is with mixed emotions
that I announce I am stepping down
as queen of our mighty kingdom.
Come on, people.
I saved Dreamland and now I need a break.
You guys tried to execute me.
I see those rotten vegetables
you're holding. Ow!
Hey, leave her alone. No more throwing.
You know, our kingdom
has a potato shortage and this is why.
But I'm not here to scold,
I'm here to give and give back.
Who hurled that?
All right. Since the castle
used to belong to the elves,
King Rulo will take over
as new king of Dreamland.
Oh, I changed my mind.
I'm moving back to die in Elfwood,
and nobody can stop me.
Uh. You sure? Anybody?
- Come, Kissy.
- But I'm in love with Pendergast.
Oh, you're in love with everybody.
- Meh.
- Farewell Kissandra. I shan't forget you.
Mmm, hello! Are you a Sagittarius?
Neither am I.
King Rulo? Your crown?
And, uh, your successor?
There is only one
equipped to rule Dreamland
with kindness and grace.
They're only part elf
and know what it's like to be different.
To be understanding of all.
To struggle
to reach bookshelves and whatnot.
The next ruler of Dreamland shall be
Mop Girl.
It was an honor almost to be nominated.
By the power vested in me
by the Book of Øgs,
and the Dreamland-Elfwood
Transit Authority,
- I hereby declare Mop Girl
- Miri.
Queen Mop Girl Miri
The First of Dreamland.
All hail Queen Mop Girl Miri.
Hip hip hooray!
And my consort, Elfo.
She's way out of your league, Elfo.
Now, moving quickly past this.
Finally, our new prime minister, Merkimer.
I shall be sagacious,
judicious and sexolicious.
Looks like Mora and Bean
are going to get married.
I give it a year.
I think this just might be
me masterpiece, ladies.
Can I be honest with you?
I've always hated weddings.
Me too. Especially my own.
Where are Bean and Mora?
The crowd is getting hungry and sober.
Wait a minute. This is a wedding.
Bean always runs away from weddings.
What's going on?
Cut open this bag at once.
This was not part of the agreement.
Hencho, this is a fiasco.
I hope when I look to my right,
I shall see Bean
sitting there beside me.
Archdruidess, what are you doing here?
Shut up.
- Ten
- Where's Bean?
- Seven, nine
- Stop the countdown.
It's not even correct.
You're skipping numbers.
- Abort the launch!
- Three, one.
- No!
- Blast off!
Bean. Don't be gone yet. Don't be gone.
Bean! Bean! I need to say goodbye, Bean!
Goodbye, Bean.
Thank you for sitting like lumps
in these hard wooden pews
for the last three-and-a-half hours
until your butts are numb.
Now, let the wedding begin.
Big Jo!
I am good now. Settle down, everyone.
By the power of the no longer
so Secret Society,
we are gathered in this drafty,
unheated church
to join these two wrinkled lovebirds
in holy matrimony.
The rings, Porky.
I got your ring engraved, Golf Ball.
"Turbish says hi."
Please stop, Turbish.
You're driving Odval nuts.
Do you Sorcerio and you Odval,
take each other to be
your lawfully wedded husbands?
- I do.
- I do.
Oh, goddamn it.
- Doink! Doink.
- Stop.
- Doink. Doink. Doink.
- Stop it.
- Doink!
- I said stop it!
Love you.
My, this book has so many happy endings.
Oh, Miss Moonpence,
ever since I heard your bewitching voice,
I have been entirely under your spell.
- Will you have me as I am?
- But, Merkimer, I've never even seen you.
You're always crawling
around on the floor.
Well, I can take care of that.
Here I am in all my porkenly glory.
Miss Moonpence.
Oh, Mr. Merkimer.
The loneliness.
The monotony. The loneliness.
Laughing horse.
You're all gonna leave soon, right?
Clown ship. Dead ahead.
At last we meet again, Captain Hornhonky.
Oona, I've always loved you.
Will you marry me?
Oh, no.
Hey, that's my line.
Oh, no.
Royal Chazz.
Urgh. Help. I'm impaled. Help, anyone.
Cloyd. Becky!
Vip or Vap!
Gomer! Bunty?
Freckles! No wait, anybody but Freckles.
You rang?
Oh, it's you.
Well, don't just stand there.
Get me out of here.
- Would you care to join me in Hell?
- No. I need my personal space.
I don't want to be bothered by any humans,
demons, angels or animals.
For how long, dear?
- Forever!
- Are you sure?
Oh, just shut up and get me out of here.
You're starting to irritate me.
As you wish.
Ah! This is much better.
Wait a minute.
What is this? Where the hell am I?
- You're here with me, Ma.
- Freckles!
Hanging from the side of a cliff
for all eternity.
Living the dream.
Together, we could rule this whole cage.
Don't worry, Ma, it's not so bad.
I even wrote us a catchy theme song.
A rare, enchanted swamp nymph.
Perfect for my Freak Show.
Hey there, Swamp Lady.
Want to go get some
frozen yogurt sometime?
That bowtie makes you look
so handsome, Junior.
Me think so too.
And do you, Pops Returno Elfowitz,
take Grogda as your lawfully wedded wife?
'Course I do.
Dagnabbit, Shocko! You ruined the moment.
This is all wrong, Archdruidess.
We need Bean's magic
to survive the voyage.
What about my needs, Moon Man?
Please, I beg you. I'm very ticklish.
Oh, no.
- Moon!
- Moon!
- Moon!
- Moon!
- Moon.
- Moon!
Sorry, Archdruidess.
This space helmet serves two functions.
One, it keeps me alive.
And two, it prevents you from kissing me.
Please don't.
Welcome home, sir.
Adding more names to the Book of the Dead?
Not exactly.
Wait a minute. What's the deal, God?
You gave me angel wings?
And a halo.
Oy vey!
This calls for a celebration.
I want a wish too.
But you're God. You've got everything.
What could you wish for?
I miss kitty cats.
Why should Hell get all the cuddles?
But I'm deathly allergic.
I was hoping to get, like,
a bean burrito with guacamole.
Turbish! Mertz!
Queen Mop Girl says close the drawbridge.
Okay. But we're very, very tired.
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