Disjointed (2017) s01e13 Episode Script

Buds Lite

1 [GRUNTS] Oh, God.
What's up, YouTube? We're hiking in the Angeles National Forest.
- And it's a huge fucking mistake.
- Yeah.
White people, I love you, but I don't get why you do this shit.
- [INSECT BUZZING] - For one thing, we don't see any forest.
All we see are these trees.
Yeah, and we had to walk all the way up here.
Like, when the fuck does the hiking start? Yeah, we have been out here for so long.
I know.
Good thing we brought this canteen shit.
[DABBY GROANING] Whoo! All right, YouTube, we're gonna check in with you in a little bit.
[DABBY GRUNTING] I'm getting cottonmouth, boo.
I wish we brought something to keep water in.
Or Mountain Dew.
That's another thing about the woods.
There's no fucking 7-Elevens.
- Hang on, baby.
- What? There's Mountain Dew everywhere.
We are in the mountains.
Oh, shit! [WITCH CROSS' "FACE OF A CLOWN" PLAYING] He's hiding in the shadows When the moon is on the rise Preparing for his evil making Face of a clown Mind of a madman Dress of a jester Intentions of a killer [DABBY GROANING] Oh, my God.
Mountain Dew is so good when it's fresh.
Hell, yeah.
What the heck are you two doing? We're licking Mountain Dew off the grass.
Yeah, what does it look like, asshole? [LAUGHS] [TRIXIE SMITH'S "JACK, I'M MELLOW" PLAYING] I'm so high Jack, I'm mellow [RUTH] Hey.
Have either one of you ever heard of something called CNNN? Yeah, sure.
Cannabis News Network Now.
It's the top online source for cannabis news, sports, weather and traffic.
Well, they just e-mailed me, and they wanna interview the two of you about Olivia's Shitballs.
You kidding? That's fantastic.
Free publicity.
I don't know.
[CHUCKLES] I don't have a good history with reporters.
What's that mean? [SIGHS] Guys, this is a place of trust, right? Absolutely.
All right.
Well, a few years ago, I got - kind of famous on the Internet.
- Whoa.
Hold on, we wanna hear this.
I'm the Whatnot Girl.
- Holy shit! - Holy shit! You are the Whatnot Girl.
How could you not tell us you're the Whatnot Girl? - Hang on.
The Whatnot-what? - [CHUCKLES] It was this viral video - from a few years back.
- Hold up Oh, here.
This quiet street in Maynard got a little less quiet today when a 1200-pound guest decided to pay a visit.
We're out back at the church drinking pop and whatnot, and me and Trish heard squealing and whatnot.
We went around to the front and saw people running and screaming and whatnot.
[EXHALES] Turns out they were running away from this hog.
I've seen some hogs and whatnot, but this one was just going wild and whatnot.
[ALL LAUGHING] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Still hilarious.
- "And whatnot.
" - [ALL LAUGHING] Can't believe that's you.
I was Whatnot Girl for Halloween.
- What? - [CARTER] Oh, my God.
I mean, we even watched it overseas.
A buddy took a stray round and was like, "I got shot in the ass and whatnot.
" [ALL LAUGHING] Oh, come on.
That's enough teasing.
'Cause Olivia's come a long way since then and whatnot.
[ALL LAUGHING] Even Ruth! Even Ruth! [CELL PHONE RINGS] [CHUCKLES] Hello? All right, Dabby, slow down.
That's too slow.
Dank and Dabby got arrested.
Quick question.
How did you get my number? - Good morning, Carter.
- Morning, Pete.
Holy shit-fucking ! Uh - What's wrong? - Oh, no.
No, no, no.
What happened to you? [IN DEEP VOICE] Did you do this? First of all, take that bass out your voice.
And, no.
Damn it.
She's dead.
A plant died.
That kind of thing happens, right? Not to me.
- This is the curse.
- Oh, shit, here we go.
When I broke up with Mary Jane, the spiritual embodiment of the marijuana plant, she cursed me.
This girlfriend that broke up with you, she's imaginary? Yes, she's imaginary, but her curse is real! And I broke up with her, okay? - God.
- Morning, Jenny! I don't What's this? I don't know.
My mother sent it to me.
- She's talking to you again? - No, this box just showed up out of nowhere.
What if it's the stuff I still keep in my room at home? That means she's done with me forever.
What stuff you keep in your room? Hello Kitty shit? Wow.
Way to stereotype me.
[SCOFFS] It's just a few things I got at KittyCon.
I don't think I wanna open this box.
You want me to Hurt Locker it? Did it turn out okay when they opened things in Hurt Locker? At times.
You might wanna back up.
[EXHALES] [GRUNTS] I don't see any Hello Kitty shit.
But there's something called an Instant Pot.
She sent me an Instant Pot?! Oh, my God! - There's no note.
- I don't need a note.
Her message is clear: "Jenny, you are someone who deserves a seven-in-one cooking device.
" That's like "I love you" in Chinese Mom! [SOBBING] Okay, well, it's a pressure cooker and a Crock-Pot.
- And it steams! - Oh, yes, it does, baby.
It does.
It does steam.
Thanks for bailing us out, Ruth.
You were our only hope.
Yeah, we only got one phone call, and I used mine on Domino's.
[DABBY CHUCKLING] Also, thanks for paying for the pizza.
You morons have really stepped in it this time.
I've smoked weed everywhere in the world you're not supposed to.
The Reagan Library, the Reagan White House, Nancy Reagan's funeral.
Even I never thought of smoking weed in a national forest 20 feet from a ranger station.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Ruth.
Yeah, you'd have thought of it eventually.
[DABBY CHUCKLES] You are probably looking at a big fine, plus some community service.
Oh, I can't service a whole community.
It's hard enough just servicing Dank.
Fuck community service.
I got better things to do Oh, shit.
Look at those guys in orange vests spear-fishing for trash.
That looks fun as hell.
Come on, Ruth.
Can't you do some lawyer shit and get us out of this? No, no, no.
I'll walk you through what you need to know for your court appearance.
But I'm not your lawyer.
I'm also not your limo driver.
One of you could've sat up front.
If I did that, then how could Dabby have her hand down my pants? [DABBY CHUCKLING] Yeah, we're just trying to be respectful.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Welcome to "Strain O' The Day.
" Do you love smoking weed, but wish you could still operate heavy machinery? Tired of choosing between getting high and supervising your children? Then try Buds Lite, the new family of strains from Ruth's Alternative Caring.
These strains have all the great taste as regular cannabis, but with one-third the THC.
- Smokes great.
- Less crippling paranoia! For example, if Pineapple Express hits you too fast, enjoy a slower, more scenic high with Pineapple Local.
All the stops, including East Pineapple, Pineapple Heights, Yankee Stadium.
You can change strains [LAUGHS] at Pineapple Square.
Maui Waui too overwhelming? Try Maui Meh.
It's It's fine.
If Bruce Banner makes you feel like you're turning into The Hulk, try Bruce Jenner.
You'll feel like you're turning into something you've always been, deep inside.
So, swing on by, you pussies, and see if you can at least handle Buds Lite.
[SIGHS] You wanna smoke this? No, my kids are at their grandparents', let's go blaze real shit.
People think that gap-toothed piece of white trash looks like you? Maria, that is me.
Oh, my God, adorable.
Just got off the phone with CNNN.
They need an answer.
I don't know.
I spent a long time trying to escape Whatnot Girl.
Oh, I had my 15 minutes of shame, too, Olivia.
It's no biggie.
Fine, I'll tell you.
Girls Gone Wild: Mardi Gras Edition, 18 minutes in.
Spoiler alert: I brought my own beads.
[CHUCKLES] I tossed them up in the air, caught them and then: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Come on, Olivia, let's do this.
What if someone recognizes me? Being Whatnot Girl was a nightmare.
Look, I get it.
True story, there was this kid in my high school who had this really bad facial twitch.
If he was up in front talking, he'd just start going like We called him Twitch.
Then Twitch made valedictorian, he had to give a speech in front of 800 people.
- And he didn't twitch once.
- No.
He twitched his ass off.
But he got through that speech.
And from that day forward, nobody beat him up.
Because everyone graduated.
Why you gotta take away Twitch's win? Stupid YouTube pulled my Girls Gone Wild link again.
- Here's a still.
- [YELLS] Oh.
Your Del Taco order comes to 5.
Oh, shit.
Is that enough? Do you guys take Canadian euros? Couldn't you be cool about this? If that's not enough, I don't have to eat all of my taco.
Wait, when was I even in Canadia? Could I trade some video-game knowledge? You're being such a dick.
Food in exchange for money.
Why?! Why?! Take me instead! - Don't mind me, I'm just grabbing - Three more plants are dead! I'm cursed! Everything I touch dies! I'm sorry, honey.
Um Want a Fruit Roll-Up? There's riddles on them.
[GASPS] Yes, please.
So, what's going on? Maria, there's no job in the whole world that is more stressful than growing marijuana.
I mean, anybody who's ever done it is either dead or will die.
Poor Pete.
My husband Jim went through a funk like this.
Stressed out, snapping at me for no reason.
But then we hired my housekeeper, Rosita.
And, suddenly, he was just happier, you know? Yeah, it was like having a 23-year-old former gymnast in the house just somehow changed the energy.
Maybe Jim was stressed out because you had to do all the housework.
Now that Rosita's here, he always wants me to go out.
Get "me time," you know? He sends me to the movies, gets my nails done.
"Get out of here, you! Go on!" [CHUCKLES] You know? "Be sure to call me when you're 15 minutes from home.
" [MARIA CHUCKLES] Once, he got me a weekend in Portland, you know? Just me and the kids.
- He sounds like a good man.
- He is.
He really is.
I'm sorry, we were talking about you.
Right, yeah.
Why?! This thing makes porridge.
That's dope.
My mom sent me a picture of my sister with the caption, "Look who gained five pounds.
" I'm the favorite again.
Suck it, Fat Brenda! Your mom doesn't speak to you for months, she sends some kitchen appliance, - and, suddenly, you two are all good? - Yeah, isn't it awesome? Well, in therapy, we talk a lot about the only way to deal with a problem - is open and honest communication.
- We're Chinese.
We're not that into words.
Our words aren't even words.
They're pictures.
- You're gonna pretend this never happened? - Exactly.
Problem solved.
- Isn't that how your family does it? - Let's not talk about my family.
Wait, wait.
Therapy's happy to talk about my family and not about his? Fair enough.
- You get three questions.
- Really? - That's one, now you got two.
- Oh, damn it.
- Do you talk to your parents? - Yes.
Not that often.
They live on an Army base in Germany.
Last question.
What's the most meaningful thing your parents ever gave you? When I turned 18 my father gave me this pocket knife.
It's like the one he used in the Army.
He's not much of a talker, so, this knife said a lot.
That night, I went to my room and I cried my eyes out.
Uh, this does not leave the roof, by the way.
Honey, do you see how your pocket knife is my Instant Pot? I'd answer that, but you're out of questions.
First piece of free legal advice, when you go to court later, don't wear that.
Uh, Ruth, I don't think you understand.
We're dressed as judges.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're not gonna lock up one of their own.
[BOTH LAUGHING] That would be clearly Forsooth! - Forsooth! Forsooth! - Hey, give me that.
That's a meat tenderizer.
Meat tenderizer.
That's my new nickname for Dabby.
[LAUGHING] Your Honor, you are guilty of being a genius! - Take me to your chambers, girl.
- I'll show you my chambers.
Hey! Okay.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna stand up, plead guilty, you're gonna accept your punishment and go home.
Here's how it's not gonna go.
You're not gonna make out in court.
You're not gonna quote famous lines from courtroom movies, like, "You can't handle the truth.
" What if they fucking can't? All right.
You know [LAUGHS] There's no way I'm ever gonna regret this, but I'll come to court with you.
Oh! We thought that might happen.
That's why we brought a third judge costume.
Twenty-four hours a week, seven days a month.
I'm Sabine Dortmunder.
I'm here with Travis and Olivia from Olivia's Shitballs.
This is one of the best edibles I've ever had.
- Thank you, Sabine.
- Yeah, thanks.
No wonder Munchie Monthly put this on its list of Ten Snacks to Watch This Year.
We're really honored.
Olivia, you seem really familiar to me.
Have I seen you before? Uh, no, I'm pretty sure you haven't.
[CHUCKLES] Well, except on the Shitballs box.
- That's her.
[CHUCKLES] - Right.
No, it's the voice, too.
Keep talking, I'll get it.
Uh Well, you see, what happened was, Olivia came in and brought some fudge swirls that her nana used to make for her back in Iowa.
Olivia, tell me more about your childhood.
It's not that interesting.
I grew up in a little place called Maynard, you know? Kind of town where you hang out with your friends at the Dairy Queen and whatnot.
[CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] I don't mean and whatnot.
I mean, and so forth and whatnot.
[LAUGHING] I'm sorry, this is, like, driving me crazy.
- Are you an actress? - Yes.
You got me.
I do porn.
That's where you've seen me.
Don't be embarrassed, everyone watches porn.
- Olivia, what are you doing? - Travis, it's fine.
I do hardcore, softcore porn, lesbian and whatnot.
[RUTH] Let me guess.
You dressed like each other so you can confuse the judge.
[DABBY CHUCKLES] No, so we can confuse ourselves.
That way we have reasonable doubt.
Whoa! [DABBY CHUCKLES] Let me do all the talking.
We'll plead guilty.
We'll be out of here in a few minutes.
And look what I got.
Coloring books.
Yo, Space Ghost! Oh! Disney princesses! With stickers! Hi.
I'm Ruth Whitefeather Feldman, - representing the defendants.
- Carol Harris, United States Attorney.
As you can see, my clients are basically children.
I mean, sure, they made a mistake.
But they're not criminals.
Except for the part where they broke federal law.
We're willing to make a deal.
Maybe lower the fine, forget the community service.
Trust me.
You don't want them loose in the community.
Feldman, your clients were found in possession of a Schedule 1 narcotic - in a national forest.
- Yeah, but it's pot.
Which we see as no different from LSD or heroin.
Yeah, but it's pot.
Your clients are lucky I'm not asking for jail time.
Yeah, but it's pot.
I am certain that I know you.
It's, like, you are on the tip of my brain-tongue.
Maybe we should just change the subject and whatnot.
Help me, I can't stop.
Yeah, let's get back to the Shitballs.
Well, we really believe that, uh, the edible market will continue to expand as As more and more people from all walks of life begin to integrate cannabis into You know, their, uh Their lifestyles.
Are you okay? Did you have too many Shitballs? No, it's not the Shitballs No, he's just trying to distract you from me because I'm the Whatnot Girl.
Oh, my God.
The Whatnot Girl.
Of course.
Yeah, that's me.
I can't believe it.
[CHUCKLES] The Whatnot Girl is a porn star.
No, no.
No, I'm [CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.
I'm not a porn star For God's sakes, she knows who I am, - you can stop twitching.
- No, I can't.
I'm the twitching valedictorian.
We've got 40 viewers right now! You guys just doubled our audience! - Are your clients ready to enter a plea? - They are.
Your Honor, my clients are accused of being on federal property while smoking marijuana, a therapeutic substance, which this state has declared permissible for adult use.
The problem is, when it comes to marijuana, the United States government is living in the Dark Ages.
That's why we're gonna fight this.
My clients plead 100 percent not guilty.
- Yes! - Yes! - We're not guilty! - Oh, my God! You saved us! [BOTH LAUGHING] And we pledge to continue to hunt for the real stoners! [MIMICKING GUNSHOTS] On your left! The government would be happy to take this to trial.
We'll seek the maximum penalties up to and including prison.
Oh, shit.
- Wait, what just happened? - Don't worry, we're okay.
I'll see you in court.
I thought this was court.
"Enjoy these Shitballs and whatnot.
" - There you go.
- That's awesome.
- Can I take a selfie with you? - Oh, dude.
Of course.
Could you be twitching? Happy to.
Hey, Dad, it's me.
Uh, guess you're out and about but, uh it's been a while.
Called to say hey.
Um I'm good.
Things are good.
Oh, hey, Pop.
You won't believe this, I work with the Whatnot Girl.
[CHUCKLES] Also, I know Mom's birthday is coming up, and I sent a, uh This thing called an Instant Pot.
Anyway, uh give me a call.
[PETE] No! I'm cursed! Cursed! [MARY JANE CACKLING] I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow