Disjointed (2017) s01e15 Episode Script

Travissimo Private Reserve

1 Man, this is amazing.
You know, I haven't smoked in four, maybe five hours.
Mm, you forget how good it is.
But it'll never be as good as the miracle weed.
Hey, the DEA took it.
It's gone, let it go.
You know? Let it live on as a happy memory, like that hot girl you lucked into in college.
You can't keep refreshing her Facebook page hoping her status changes to divorced.
Thanks, Travis.
And I really hope you find love.
I wasn't talking about myself.
Pfft.
I forgot about Amanda 30 seconds after she dumped me.
I gotta go check Facebook.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] God, I miss those plants.
It's a shame I murdered each and every one of them in the forest.
Or did I? Oh, no, I did.
Unless Somewhere not here At my old camping site My favorite pot plant Is missing me tonight [SADIE] Somewhere not here In his dispensary My daddy's singing A strange duet with me Though my grow was taken by the DEA It helps to think that somewhere There's a plant that got away [SADIE] Though deep down he knows My voice is in his head It helps him to imagine I'm a little girl instead Oh.
Somewhere not here [SADIE] Somewhere not here About an hour drive [SADIE] About an hour drive - My wonderful Sadie - [SADIE] My wonderful Daddy - Is somewhere not here - [SADIE] Is somewhere not here And somehow She's alive [MAN] Dougie! I have to go back to the woods.
Somewhere not here [TRIXIE SMITH'S "JACK, I'M MELLOW" PLAYING] I'm so high Jack, I'm mellow Whoa.
- Who's this? - Oh, this? - This is Jasmine, my therapy parrot.
- Wow.
When you said you're going to a therapist, I had a different picture in my head.
I know it seems crazy, - but it's helping me through issues.
- Mm.
Is one issue that you don't look enough like a pirate? You don't think I took a selfie wearing an eye patch? Girl, stop.
[LAUGHS] She helps me get stuff off my chest I'm uncomfortable saying to other people.
Oh, my God, she's here.
Hi, Jasmine, I'm Jenny.
I've heard so much about you, and I brought you a cracker.
Mm-mm.
Babe, she gluten-free.
Oh, sorry.
Olivia wants a cracker.
Travis, I'm headed out.
I'm speaking at a march today.
Wow.
Back on the rally circuit.
Good for you.
Good for the world.
Check out this lineup.
There's a senator, and a lesbian folk singer, Bill Nye.
I believe he's some kind of a science guy.
And then, "With Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.
" [CHUCKLES] We all see this eagle, right? 'Cause I been smoking a lot of weed today.
Ruth, this is Jasmine, my therapy parrot.
Therapy parrot.
I'd watch that show.
All right.
I'm off to save the environment.
This says "end voting rights abuses.
" Oh, even better, there'll be black guys there.
Wish me luck.
[THUD, THEN RUTH YELLS] [RUTH YELLS] - Mom, are you okay? - No, and I'm gonna sue.
Sue? It's our store.
Right.
Drag me over to Tae Kwon Doug's.
Oh, what's up, YouTube? [CHUCKLES] You notice anything different about us? Oh! [CHUCKLES] Yeah, that's right.
The feds gave us these matching ankle bracelets because we're serving 30 days of house arrest.
They look like Fitbits, but if we get off the couch, they explode.
[DABBY CHUCKLES] Yeah, and so, since we can't go outside and do all the normal stuff we like to do, we got ourselves an intern.
- Zach! - Zach! It's his first day.
I got your Funyuns, Dabby.
What? What is this bowl shit? Dabby likes her Funyuns in a bag, asshole.
What do they teach you at that college? Media Arts and Interdisciplinary Studies.
- Should I put the Funyuns back in the bag? - [MUMBLING] No.
No, you don't put them in the bag.
We'll keep them in the bowl now.
[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] Now I'm confused.
Put them in the goddamn bag! - Yes, ma'am.
- Get out of here.
- Ah.
Love him.
- Great kid, bright future.
[CHUCKLES] - He goes to Emerson.
- You're an Emerson.
- What does that mean? - Emer-some big titties.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
You guys are so lucky.
You just all are witness to his greatness.
Hey, Zach, this is why you're unpaid.
Your compensation is his genius.
And you should be dankful.
Oh, my - You did it again, goddamn it.
- [CHUCKLING] Hey, Zach! Fetch the lotion.
Hey, great Tae Kwon Do-cersize class, ladies.
You really left it all on the mat.
Especially you, Dina.
You sweat a lot for a thin woman.
That's a compliment.
Well [SPEAKING IN KOREAN] [TAE KWON DOUG CHUCKLES] Whoa, what do we have here? Hey, buddy.
You moving out? You need a place to crash? I got a spare futon.
Next to my regular futon.
Living the dream, right? [CHUCKLES] Thanks, but I'm not moving out, Douglas.
I'm going to the woods.
There's something I need to find.
Oh, boy, I hear that.
Nothing like being out in the woods alone, finding yourself.
Just you and the solitude of nature.
You mind if I tag along? Oh, uh, I guess I wouldn't mind some company.
Oh, no, I'm not just company.
I'm a skilled outdoorsman.
I can survive out in the woods two weeks, easy.
The key is preparation.
For instance, I like to pack two weeks' worth of food.
Well, I think I've got enough food, so You packing your gorp? You know, good old raisins and peanuts.
I like to mix my own blend.
I add extra pepitas.
Those are little pumpkin seeds.
You know what? I got my camping go-bag.
Fire it up, you blast the air.
I got a mix tape that's gonna Yacht Rock your world.
[CHUCKLES] - Wanna know where we're going or how long? - Nope! No spoilers! [RUTH EXHALING] How's the ankle? It's good.
The CBD oil is treating it topically.
And this TrainWreck is treating my lungs inside, being lungsily.
Mom, that's a strong strain.
[IN BABY VOICE] "Oh, Mommy, be careful, that weed is really, really strong.
" Obviously, it's making you more of an asshole.
But it's not gonna cure a broken bone.
You need to go to a doctor.
Travis, will you never learn? Western health care is a racket.
You get sick, you go to the doctor, they tell you what's wrong, they give you medicine, you're all healed and ready for the next illness.
When will the madness end? Now? I don't know.
Should we let him in, Jasmine? Hm? You sure? I don't know.
You look kind of shady to me.
But Jasmine says you're cool.
Nice work.
Eskimo kisses.
Mm.
- [CARTER CHUCKLING] - Wow.
Cute couple alert.
Adorable.
It's nice to see him connecting.
[LAUGHING] Your claws tickle.
[LAUGHS] - Aw, they're so affectionate.
- Yeah.
He gets weird about holding my hand at IKEA, but sure, mouth-feed a bird.
- You're not jealous of a parrot, are you? - No.
Jasmine is kind of a slut name.
You are jealous.
[SNORTS] That's hilarious.
Boo! Gotcha.
Yeah, I'm hard to spot in my camo gi.
- You were gone a long time.
- Oh, yeah, I lost one of my camping Crocs, and it took a while to get it back from the beaver.
- No problem, Douglas.
- Get ready.
I'll teach you how to build a fire using two sticks, - a match and some lighter fluid.
- Yeah? Sounds good.
Wow.
Did you find that? - No, I made it.
- Wow.
Be careful of the trip wire.
- What is that for? - Security.
A trick from the compound to keep the outsiders away.
Here, let me show you.
So, you've been camping before.
We're close to where I was the last time I was here.
As soon as we're set up, I wanna find what I'm looking for.
I'm right there with you.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] Douglas, fire ants are crawling over your Crocs.
Nice try.
I'm a little too experienced to fall for that one.
[SNORTS] Ow, though.
- Ow! Yeah.
Ow! - Yeah.
Yeah, wait there.
[CHUCKLING] Well observed.
Oh, hi.
I didn't see you there.
I'm Travis Feldman, the maverick co-owner of Ruth's Alternative Caring.
I'm a man of many passions.
Art.
Literature.
Pornography that tells a story.
But my greatest passion is fine cannabis, which is why I'm pleased to introduce Travissimo Private Reserve.
[BOTH] Travissimo.
Travissimo PR is a personally curated mix of my favorite indicas, sativas and hybrids.
[BOTH] Travissimo.
Each custom-packed canister has been hand-numbered to ensure maximum sequentiality.
Don't believe me? Eight.
[BOTH] Eight.
But how does it smoke? Come on.
Ah As smooth as the man I named it after.
Travissimo Private Reserve.
It's like having a little bit of me inside you.
[BOTH] Ew.
Guys? - [BOTH] Travissimo.
- Mm.
Yes.
You are a really good listener, Jasmine.
I've never actually told anybody this but ever since I was a teenager, I've I've always loved - I've always wanted to try to - [JENNY] Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Am I interrupting? Interrupting? No.
[SCOFFS] I was talking to Jasmine, then I stopped because you came in.
That interrupting? Not where I come from.
[SCOFFS] Okay.
Well, I should probably head back.
Should I head back, or should I stay, or ? No, no.
No, yeah, yeah.
You Yeah.
You should stay.
If you want to.
- Okay, cool.
I'll stay.
- All right.
- I'll go.
Yeah.
- Okay.
All right.
You did the right thing getting the hell out of medical school, or as I call it, Quack U.
[LAUGHING] Ruth, I didn't go to med school.
That was Jenny.
Agree to disagree.
See, I treated my ankle with CBD oil and a shit-ton of weed, and I'm walking just fine.
- [RUTH LAUGHS] - You're not walking at all.
That's 'cause walking is for suckers, Jenny.
[RUTH LAUGHS] Oh.
Oh, wait.
That's Jenny.
Who the fuck are you? Oh, you're the Shitball lady.
I love your Shitballs.
Can I have your autograph? [LAUGHING] I caught Carter telling Jasmine something he didn't want me to hear.
Isn't that the point? He tells her stuff he's not comfortable saying? Did the bird get to you, too? Okay.
[LAUGHING] Here's what you gotta do about the bird.
What's her name again? - Jasmine.
- Ja ? That's a slut name.
Okay.
I think what Ruth would say if she were here right now [LAUGHING] is if it's bothering you, talk to Carter.
Fuck that! Fuck that shit right in the ear! You gotta You gotta talk to the bird.
[LAUGHS] You say [LAUGHING] You say, "Bird, listen up.
" "Cheep!" [LAUGHING] "Cheep, cheep, chee " [LAUGHING] You don't have the balls to be this high.
[LAUGHING] [ROOSTER CROWING] Breakfast.
I'm hungry.
Take it from Krinkles, that's me, the best breakfast under the big top is Sugar Pot Krinkles.
So krinkly, so delicious, so different.
Each nug of pot in Sugar Pot Krinkles is krinkled with honey and sugar.
It's so good, I krinkle every time I eat it.
Yep, no matter what other pot cereal you've ever tried, you'll love Sugar Pot Krinkles best of all.
Honey and sugar makes it different and wonderful.
A circus of fun to eat.
So, you krinkle on down to the store for Sugar Pot Krinkles.
The greatest cannabis treat on Earth.
[TAE KWON DOUG] And the next morning, when he woke up there was a handprint outside of his tent, which only had three fingers.
- [GASPS] - No.
[LAUGHS] Scared, right? [LAUGHS] You look so scared.
Thank you for the great story, Douglas.
The ending was a surprise.
Now that camp's set up, I need to search the woods.
Right.
Yeah, of course.
Hey.
While we walk, I'll tell you another story.
So, it was a bright and sunny day, just like today [CHERYL] Hey.
Ruth.
[YELLS] Oh, thank God it's you.
Who are you? I'm Cheryl.
I came to your women's seminar.
I invented my own pot-based currency, Pot Coin.
Oh.
Oh, right.
You're the one who thinks the banks are plotting to kill us.
No, I'm the one who knows the banks are plotting to kill us.
I went to that rally to see you.
And you never showed up.
Sorry.
I left halfway through some bullshit science guy 'cause they were charging 5 bucks for water.
Like I'm gonna touch a 5-dollar bill.
Everyone knows that that's how the Federal Reserve spreads Mad Cow disease.
I guess it's best to use a credit card.
Right, so that the bank can send my data to the Bulgarian sex traffickers.
But you get miles.
Uh, Cheryl, I appreciate your injecting a little whimsy into my day, but I'm actually kind of hurt.
- What happened? - I twisted my ankle.
- What did the doctor say? - I don't go to the doctor.
Western medicine is a scam and a conspiracy, you know that.
What the fuck are you talking about, Ruth? What? You are insane.
America has the greatest doctors in the world.
While alternative medicine has its place, it needs to be integrated into a responsible scientific approach incorporating both Eastern and Western treatments.
Am I right? You are.
How did that happen? - I guess I'll go to the doctor.
- That's the reasonable thing to do.
Don't give them your social security number, because they will harvest your organs and sell them in Thailand.
Thailand.
- Jenny, could you get me some Thai food? - I am not fucking Jenny! [TAE KWON DOUG] And when I'd go hiking with my dad, he'd say stuff like: "Try to keep up, Crisco.
" - Crisco? - Yeah, 'cause I was fat in the can.
This is it.
This is the place.
Oh, no, no, no.
Sadie.
I'm too late.
She's dead.
Ooh, you find a dead body? We're gonna be on the news.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God.
These are her seedlings.
Sadie had children.
- There's nothing out here but weeds.
- No Sadie, my marijuana plant, had babies.
- Gotta get these to the dispensary.
- Whoa, wait a minute.
These weeds are "weed" weeds? You dragged me out here to find baby drugs? - Die, babies.
- Oh, no, no! No, Douglas, stop! Stop! I can't let you do that.
I can't let you not let me.
- Die, babies.
- No, no.
I thought this trip was about finding your sense of purpose.
This is my purpose.
You would choose pot over me? I'm sorry, Douglas, but if you're making me choose then yes.
[SPEAKING IN KOREAN] Hey, Carter, I need to talk to Oh, it's you.
Did he say when he was coming back? Why am I talking to a bird? [JASMINE]'Cause you know your man likes me better.
What? [JASMINE] You heard me.
He trusts me with all his secrets.
Like what? [JASMINE] Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be secret, dum-dum.
I know what you're up to, and it's not gonna work.
[JASMINE] What are you saying? I'm saying back the fuck up, bitch.
I'm serious.
I will cut you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Are you gonna fight Jazzy? Jazzy? Why does she have a pet name? Because she's a pet.
Babe, why ? Why are you acting all crazy? Is this 'cause I wouldn't hold your hand at IKEA? No, it's 'cause, I I'm your girlfriend.
It's tough for me to see you opening up to someone else and not me.
- I don't know, this is weird.
- Yes, yes.
It It I know it's weird.
One of the reasons why Dr.
Silverman thought Jasmine would be good for me is so I could learn to open up to you more.
Oh, well I would like that.
And earlier, when you walked in I was telling Jasmine that Look, I know this sounds dumb.
But I've always wanted to try stand-up comedy.
Maybe.
I don't think that sounds dumb at all.
But don't you have to be funny for that? Are you heckling me? I wanted the first one to come from me.
[JASMINE] Does he let you shit on him? [JASMINE] I didn't think so.
[BELL RINGING] [MIMICS TIRE SQUEALING] It's really hard to look cool on this, which makes my achievement remarkable.
[HORN HONKING] So, you finally went to the doctor.
Yeah, Cheryl talked me into it.
Cheryl? You listened to Cheryl? The woman who thinks if you fold a dollar bill right, you will see Washington's dick? It's funny.
When someone crazy tells you you're crazy, you know you're crazy.
But when someone sane tells you, it's just annoying.
I love you, too, Mom.
Oh, speaking of love.
Guess who I ran into at the doctor's office.
Amanda, that pretty girl you dated in college.
- Really? How is she? She's - Oh, so good.
Super-pregnant.
- Like getting-divorced pregnant? - Oh, I doubt it.
[CHUCKLES] You should see her husband.
Yeah.
One look at him practically made me pregnant.
[LAUGHS, THEN BANGS ON TABLE] "Oh, hey, I'm Pothead Pete.
All I care about is burfing snabs.
I don't care about my best friend and combat-sports instructor.
I make stupid stuff in the woods, and I don't understand simple ghost stories.
" You know what? I'm out of here.
What the ? [SCREAMS] F.
Murray Abraham! I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow