Disjointed (2017) s01e17 Episode Script

Amsterdam Story

1 Olivia.
Angelo DeStevens.
Hi.
You don't know who I am, do you? [CHUCKLES] It's okay.
Why would you? You're new to the business.
Allow me.
Press play, enjoy.
The first thing I'd want people to know about me is I am a friend of cannabis.
So, if you're a friend of cannabis, well, we have a mutual friend.
Cannabis.
[ANNOUNCER] For over 30 years, Angelo DeStevens has been a dynamic force in the cannabis space for over three decades.
Activist, founder of the world's premier chain of marijuana dispensaries, Bud Bong and Beyond.
And author of Amazon Top 500 bestseller, Smoke This Book.
As well as its companion, Smoke This Audiobook.
Some people pick up the clarinet for the first time, and it's like they've been playing their whole life.
It comes natural.
For others, it's the bassoon.
Others, it's the contrabassoon.
That's the bigger bassoon.
[BLOWING CONTRABASSOON] Well, my contrabassoon was marijuana.
I knew from the minute I started smoking it that I was born to do this.
And that I would do this.
[STUTTERS] Okay, [CHUCKLING] that's not a carrot, Winston.
Ah.
Holy shit, it's Angelo DeStevens! - So, you know who I am? - Are you kidding? I smoked your book.
[TRIXIE SMITH'S "JACK, I'M MELLOW" PLAYING] I'm so high Jack, I'm mellow Angelo, this is such an honor.
I've been following your career since you had one braid.
No, no, no.
No, no.
I am the one who's honored.
By Olivia's Shitballs.
The brilliant combination of delicious edible marijuana and poo-poo humor.
Bravo.
Well, I'm just glad you like them.
- Seriously, I'm at a loss for words.
- Well, let me help you find them.
Innovative.
Transformative.
Lucrative.
You.
Me.
Meeting.
Office.
Noon.
Today.
Six.
Thousand.
Sunset.
The rest of the words are on this card I found in your ear! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He does magic, too! [LAUGHING] I walked in the bedroom and I said, Jim, you're cheating on me.
At first, he tried to deny it, but I could see Rosita hiding underneath him.
Oh, my God, Maria, I am so sorry.
Where did you guys leave it? We're taking a break.
I'm at home with the kids, and he's at the apartment downtown I didn't know he had.
It's just a bed and a sex swing.
I mean, where do they eat? Uh Ruth, there's a Walter here for you.
Walter? The guy from the other night? Your cute new boyfriend? - Wait, boyfriend? - No.
No, he's a patient.
- He's here to buy pot.
- Not from me, apparently.
Tell Walter I'll be right out.
Go get him, Ruth.
Don't let love die on me twice this week.
Okay? Yeah, no, seriously, I need this.
Okay.
Now you can go.
Go.
- Hello there.
- Hello, Ruth.
[RUTH] How's it going? Wait, is this Old Walter or Fun Wally? You tell me.
Uggs.
You, sir, are living on the edge.
- I'm reckless and wild.
- [RUTH CHUCKLES] And the best part is my feet are drenched in sweat.
[RUTH CHUCKLES] - So, what can I do for you? - Ruth, this morning, I woke up, and for the first time in my life, I was out of marijuana.
You're never out of marijuana.
You're between marijuanas.
Jenny? - Yes.
How can I help? - Can we both help? I wanna help.
Uh, could you get Walter an eighth of Hindu Kush? Look at me, walking around in my Uggs with an eighth of Hindu Kush.
I feel like Burt Reynolds.
[LAUGHING] So, what other adventures have you got on your agenda today? Well, I know this is gonna sound funny, but I might go try sushi.
Oh, my God.
You never had sushi? I've eaten tuna straight out of the can.
But I've been told that doesn't count.
Well, uh, I know my way around a sushi bar.
If you'd like, I could - You wouldn't mind? - [CHUCKLES] It's happening! That's right, dopers, Tae Kwon Douglas is back.
Whoa, what are you doing, little girl? Writing in your diary? [CHUCKLES] Take care of that key.
I lost mine.
Yeah.
I was working on material for my stand-up.
Oh, yeah.
[YELLS] - What's up with the leg? - What's up with your face? You're limping.
That's because I was severely injured by your co-worker, Pete, who booby-trapped our campsite with a giant ball of death.
Luckily, I was able to absorb the blow with my upper thigh and rear glute.
It's the body's biggest muscle, according to WebMD.
You know, maybe I should keep my notebook handy.
No, I'm here to inform you all that I hereby claim a parking space to be reserved solely for customers of Intensity Plus.
Doug, you can't do that.
Oh, really? Pete and what army? [LAUGHING] That's funny to you? Why don't you write this down in your funny book? "Dear Diary, Doug's cool, and I'm not.
" Yeah.
And with that, I bid you a not-so-fond yeoboseyo! God.
- Yobo-say-what, Doug? - No.
Oh, that shit's funny.
Greg.
You're home.
I couldn't miss Christmas.
[GRANDMA CHUCKLING] No one else is up yet.
I know how to get them up.
Is that Tokelers? Oh.
Ah.
Mm.
Greg.
Merry Christmas, Mom.
[GRANDMA COUGHING] [SIGHING] [ALL LAUGHING] The best way to wake and bake [ANNOUNCER] Tokelers.
So let's talk Shitballs.
Yes, let's spitball about Shitballs.
I am stealing that.
Olivia, Travis, I'm gonna be blunt.
When I think of the future of Olivia's Shitballs, I get a raging mind-boner.
Then I'm glad you're wearing that hat.
[CHUCKLES] Behold.
The next step in our adventure.
Might take a little while.
In hindsight, I should have pressed the button a minute ago.
[LAUGHS] My brother-in-law Paul did some work on it, so Oh, it used to come up real fast.
I'm gonna talk to Paul.
He probably pocketed some of the dough and bought a cheap motor for it.
[CHUCKLES] So Oh, here we go.
Okay, good.
Behold, the next step of our adventure.
Ah.
It's the wrong input.
Here we go.
No, I got it.
The lettering is so small.
Here we go.
Now, how do you get over? Oh, here we go.
Got it.
Got it.
Got it.
Hold on.
Got it.
Got it.
Got it.
Got it.
[ANGELO CHUCKLES, THEN INHALES] Behold, the next step to our adventure.
Olivia, we all know that Shitballs are number two.
But what's number one? Olivia's Pee Jar.
Oh, God.
Cannabis-infused lemonade packaged as urine.
- It sells itself.
- [ANGELO] Yes.
Yes, it does sell itself, but to maximize profits, I propose that we sell it.
Oh, Olivia, you have something hanging from your nose.
Could that possibly be Olivia's Gummi Boogers? That's snot bad.
[TRAVIS AND ANGELO LAUGHING] This guy gets it.
Okay, guys, I'm getting a little nauseous.
Funny you should mention that.
Olivia's Chunky Vomit.
Cannabis pasta sauce? I can't think of a single person on the planet who wouldn't buy that.
Olivia, with my access to $5 million in capital and your brand and - Travis - [LAUGHS] the only limit to this dream is what your body can secrete.
- Please tell me we've hit that limit.
- [ANGELO CHUCKLES] No, no, no.
We're just getting started.
Behold! Oh, no, no, no! Goddamn it, Paul! Thanks.
This is not some kind of food, right? It's not some kind of rice towel? No.
I'm so tempted to say yes.
California roll, sushi plate, and a seaweed salad.
[SPEAKING IN JAPANESE] I get the towel now.
It's to spit this stuff into.
All right.
Easy.
Start with the California Roll.
No, if I'm gonna do this, let's do this.
I will try this one that looks like caramel ice cream.
This is not caramel ice cream.
No, it's sea urchin.
Technically, it's the sea urchin's gonads.
So, he's as unhappy about this as I am.
[LAUGHING] Would this be better if I were high? You're not high? Oh, I've got so much to teach you.
Are you ready to do something crazy? I just gargled a sea urchin's nuts.
- I think I'm ready to try anything.
- [RUTH LAUGHS] Oh, what's up, YouTube? Our 30 days of house arrest are finally over.
Hell, yeah.
[CHUCKLES] [DABBY CHUCKLES] I feel like Nelson Mandela when he broke out of Shawshank Redemption.
Yeah, we needed to go out and do our favorite things that we missed.
For instance, I went to Color Me Mine, and I made this mug for Dank.
You know it's true because it's on a mug.
[BOTH LAUGHING] We're also catching up on advances in the marijuana industry.
That's why we're here at Ruth's Alternative Caring.
You see this invention? Pete is the technological genius - that bought it.
- [PETE LAUGHS] This is the BioWave Mini.
- Oh! Cool.
- Oh, shit, it glows.
Yeah.
Now, it helps cannabis plants grow by generating subsonic harmonic waves that increase plant respiration.
These green status lights tell us that the BioWave is working properly.
Oh, my God.
Can you believe it? In 30 days, the whole world changed.
I mean, robots are growing weed now.
Yeah, and the president's a man.
It's a part of my new scientific approach to growing weed.
In the past, I got a little too emotionally attached to my plants, and even gave them little girls' names and talked to them, which made it harder to murder them in the woods.
That's fucked up.
Uh, can I touch it? No, it's a very delicate piece of equipment.
Whoa! Oh, I can see the future, Dank! What do you see? - Shamrock Shakes are made of people! - Oh! [GRUNTING] Okay.
Doug, that was highly entertaining.
Under the legal principle of Eminent Dojang, this parking spot is now mine.
My students deserve a clear visual of my storefront.
[LAUGHING] Shut up.
That's not really there.
Please, God, tell me you mean the beanbag game.
Duh.
What else does cornhole mean? Well, it means Nothing.
I use this game to teach my students focus, balance and sack-handling.
- When I was overseas, we played cornhole.
- Oh, did you? Oh, yeah.
All the guys in my platoon called me The Sniper.
Except for the sniper.
He called me Carter.
Well, the kids I play with call me Captain Cornhole.
It spread to a couple of the dads, and now it's a popular nickname.
Mm-hm.
Well, you know, why don't we settle this parking spot bullshit with a game? Oh, yes.
Yes, indeed.
You and I are gonna cornhole out here in this parking lot for everyone to see.
- Let's do this.
- I'll go grab my sacks.
[CARTER LAUGHS] Hey.
How's the BioWave working? It's amazing.
Their root system is thriving.
The moisture intake has increased 19 percent.
And also, I have a better appetite and thicker, bouncier hair.
You know, I seriously wish I had your sense of purpose.
- And your volume.
- [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
I've just always known marijuana is my calling.
It helps people.
Heals people.
We're lucky to be part of it.
[IN CHINESE] Ooh! My name is Jenny.
Come see where I work.
- Isn't it cool? These are my coworkers.
- [LAUGHING] Together we help people be the happiest ever! I'm a helper.
My wish is to heal the sick.
So, my parents decided I should be a doctor.
It made me unhappy.
[SCREAMING] [SOBBING] I wanted to help another way.
All those patients I cannot save.
- Take one of these.
- [GASPS] [LAUGHING] [JENNY] The magic cure is weed.
Thank you very much! [MOANING] [SCREAMING] [PANTING] [GASPS] Ah! Do you need any help? [MOANING] [WHIMPERING] [MOANING] [SCREAMS] This can't be.
Ghosts don't exist.
[GHOSTS MOANING] I failed you before.
How can I save you now? [CRYING] The magic cure is weed.
Weed Healing Medication! [JENNY LAUGHS] Refreshing! [LAUGHS] [SIGHS] Thanks, Pete.
I think I just had an epiphany.
Was it that your hair would have volume if you stopped wearing hats? Thanks, Pete.
I think I just had two epiphanies.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Stoners are already eating my poop.
Now they'll eat every gross thing that comes out of me? How long before Angelo does Olivia's Breast Milk? Third quarter, 2021.
Come on, this is like a dream come true for me.
I had a poster of Angelo DeStevens on my dorm wall.
Did girls like that poster? Had they come to my room, they would have.
I don't know.
I mean What do I tell some little girl who comes up to me and says: "Ew, aren't you that lady who makes pot vomit?" You know what you say? You say, "Yes, little girl, I am.
I'm a proud woman, who is not ashamed of my body and what it produces.
All right? Real women pee, poop, puke, have boogers, all right? And it's all beautiful.
Especially when it has pot in it, all right? And one day, little girl, if you work hard enough, that's gonna be your face on that jar of urine.
And when that day comes I hope you remember who broke that glass ceiling and who took a dump on the right side of history.
" It says here we get 200K up front.
Is that true? It is, little girl, it is.
Why didn't you fucking say so? I'm in.
[LAUGHING] - Shit, yes! - Yeah! Can we do this already? [SIGHS] Maybe to a jointhead like you, the rules don't matter.
But I like to cornhole the right way.
That's what I'm talking about.
He has no idea.
How is that possible? Wow, Doug, your cornhole looks so shiny.
Well, thank you.
I just had it waxed.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are we about to do what I think we're about to do? We're gonna blaze it up in the bathroom.
There were kids in high school who did things like this.
I wasn't one of them.
I was the one who told on them.
You were a narc? Walter was.
Wally's gonna get high in the crapper.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR] - [MAN] What are you two doing in there? Uh, it was her idea.
Sorry, old habit.
Hey, guys.
I'm really excited about our Strain O' the Day.
It's called Emperor Shennong.
Named for the first man to prescribe cannabis as medicine.
- On sale this week for - Hold on.
To appreciate the strain, you need to understand the history of medicinal cannabis in China.
Okay.
The year, 2700 B.
C.
E.
, the eastern border of the Shanxi province.
Oh, shit.
Emperor Shennong, wearing a cloak made of herbs he used as medicine, wrote the earliest Chinese pharmacopoeia, in which cannabis Can we skip ahead? You wanna skip over thousands of years of Chinese history? Check your privilege.
Scientists discovered an ancient tomb in the Gobi Desert that contained a man buried with two pounds of cannabis for use in the afterlife.
Unfortunately, he wasn't buried with a lighter.
[LAUGHING] That's not funny, Travis.
I finally realize I'm not betraying my culture by working here.
I'm embracing it.
Mom, I am gonna be a doctor.
Just kidding.
She'll never see this.
Seriously, no one show her this.
Cut.
Cut it.
Oh, God.
To our adventure.
[CHUCKLES] Next time, we toast with Olivia's Pee Jar.
[TRAVIS CHUCKLING] Olivia, urine the money.
[ANGELO LAUGHING] - This guy is too much.
- [TRAVIS LAUGHING] [CELL PHONE RINGING] Sorry.
That's probably an important business call.
Just excuse me.
[CLEARS THROAT] Go for Travis.
That's my assistant on the phone with Travis.
She'll tell him he won a weekend at the Orlando Sheraton as long as he attends a 45-minute real estate seminar.
How did he win that? No, no, no.
It's a ruse.
Uh, I just wanted to talk to you alone.
Uh, we hit a little bit of a snag with our deal.
The problem is my money people.
You know how they are.
Uh, they crunched the numbers, and they would really like to crunch the three of us into the two of us.
- Are you saying we cut out Travis? - [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
We don't need Travis.
Is a direct quote from the money people.
- I can't do that to him.
- I told them you'd say that.
They said, "Tell her she'll make more money without him.
" And I said, "She won't do that.
" They said, "If he was a real friend, he would understand.
" And I was like, "I don't know," they said, "Just ask her.
" It's not me.
It's the money people.
You know them.
- They sound like they're dicks.
- They are the worst.
They're the worst.
So, say the word, Travis is history, and we make millions.
Or kill the deal and keep your stupid friend who, if he makes one more terrible pun, I, Angelo DeStevens, am gonna beat him to death with my contrabassoon.
Again, that's the money people talking.
[TRAVIS] Guys! I'm going to Orlando! [LAUGHING] When it rains, it pours.
[GRUNTS] Jesus, Miyagi and Joseph, another rim job.
Come on, honey! [CHANTING] Carter, Carter, rally starter! Oh, sweetie.
Watch how a four-year all-county champion does it.
Ready? Okay! [CHANTING] Carter, Carter, throw that sack! He served our country in Iraq! Hey, ho! Go, Bulldogs! Go, Bulldogs! Go, Bulldogs! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [GROANING] And boom goes the dynamite.
- [LAUGHS] We are tied at 20.
- [JENNY] Yes.
- Next point wins, baby.
- Yeah.
Yeah [GROANS] Hey, you okay? We can take a break, Doug.
You don't care that I'm hurt, Pete I Pizza face.
Hey, you guys, how was the sushi? They kicked us out, so we got Taco Bell.
Another thing I've never done.
We got six pounds of food for four bucks! [LAUGHING] I love them.
I love the way Okay.
Right.
[CHANTING] Ruth and Walter, they're our couple.
If they can't make it, we're all in trouble.
Whoo! Whoo.
You gotta swish this or give up the parking spot.
[GROANS] Jesus, you're bleeding.
Are you okay? I'm fine! Blood is just the body's way of saying you have an open wound.
[YELLS] - Hey, man, look - No! [TAE KWON DOUG GROANING] [TAE KWON DOUG EXHALES DEEPLY] Intensity.
Plus.
[SPEAKS IN KOREAN] [LAUGHS] [LAUGHING] [YELLING] Good game, Doug.
Thank you.
Listen, if I pass out, make sure no one plays with my cornhole.
God, I love you, man.
Easy, Carter, I like girls.
Yeah.
[LAUGHING] That was the best terrible food I've ever had.
That one thing was somehow soft and crunchy.
That's 'cause you ate part of the box.
[LAUGHING] This was fun.
But I better go home and pump out my Uggs.
- I'll talk to you soon.
- Well, you know where to find me.
- Oh, God, tell us everything! - How was the date? - Did he hold your hand? - Promise to be your soul mate then leave you for a hot Guatemalan gymnast? Or are you not at that stage yet? No, no, no.
It wasn't a date.
We're just friends.
Besides, I don't think Walter wants anything more than that.
Oh, hey.
Did you forget something? I think I did.
I wanted to say thanks for a great day.
Well, you're welcome.
Oh, God, I needed that! All right, Pete, I'll see you Monday.
Did you want anything from Disney World? - Maybe ice cream.
- Yeah.
- Everything's good in here? - Never better, thanks to BioWave.
You're not talking to it, are you? Nope.
I'm not talking to it.
It's not talking to me.
[CHUCKLES] I'm so high and so dry I'm way up in the sky The world seems light And I'm so right Jack, I'm mellow I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine And play my solid sender I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q 'Cause I'm on bender I'm so high and so dry I'm sailin' in the sky I got my roach around I can't come down Jack, I'm mellow