Divorce (2016) s03e03 Episode Script

Gaps & Bunches

1 You drive everybody around you batshit.
If I ever hear that you have upset him I will hunt you down.
Well kids, family meeting.
Jackie and I are having a baby.
And Mom, you're okay with it? Of course, yeah, yeah.
It's a bl blessed surprise.
This Saturday, Robert is marrying someone else.
I'm getting married and having a baby with somebody that I haven't even known for a year.
You seem so happy, in love.
Yeah, maybe it's just pre-wedding jitters.
Why don't you want to get married again? It didn't work out.
I don't have to do it again.
Besides, the best part of being our age is now, we get to do whatever the hell we want.
Another thing I get to learn about you.
I think, basically, we're just circling back, so we can make sure that we've nailed down our best reach, targets, and safeties.
Cool beans.
That said, why don't we table schools and change focus a bit? Oh, his-his calc grades? I know that they'd slipped, but I've been working with him a bunch.
And I think his last two scores, they were they were up.
And I've been yelling at him a lot.
No, no, no.
His grades are solid.
It's his college essay that may be a tad problematic.
Scandal of the 21st Century.
" He actually makes some cogent points.
The passage likening adjunct professors to "getting surgery from the guy who mops up the O.
R.
" was sublime, but it's really the general hostility and recurrent f-bombs that may scare off your targets and safeties.
Not that he won't get in somewhere.
I may have some pull at my old alma mater, Shippensburg.
Nice little town.
You like cows, Tom? Are you out of your frickin' mind? I'm just being honest.
I'm really not into the idea of college right now.
You don't have to be into the idea of college now, genius.
You have till September to kindle that flame.
You're gonna write another essay immediately, do you hear me? Totally dead serious.
What, "Scandal of the 21st " When did you suddenly become such a cynic? I'm allowed to have a free mind! Then use it to pull your head out of your ass! Okay, I have class.
- Of course.
- No college, no car.
I don't understand where this is coming from.
Did I miss something? No.
This is shiny and brand new.
I mean, is he under the delusion that college is optional? I don't think so.
But I think we should give him some space.
Because if we ride him now, he's just gonna dig in more.
Oh, no, I disagree completely.
I think we need to ride him now immediately.
Those deadlines are coming up.
It's our job as parents to kick the door down and lob in tear gas.
Possibly true, but let's be realistic.
I looked into his face back there, and I saw the eyes of a taxidermied mule.
I think we should just back off for a few days.
I really I don't know, Robert, I don't know.
If we play it cool, we buy some street cred.
That's my opinion.
Okay, we can hold off.
But, you know, briefly.
That's all.
Then we calmly sit him down, and we clock him with a lead pipe.
He goes to college.
We win.
Okay.
God, sorry.
I gotta go.
- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.
High right here.
A month ago, he was talking about Syracuse or maybe even Colby.
The kid who can barely make his own toaster waffles, suddenly he's an anti-college radical? I remember having a crush on Abbie Hoffman when I was in the sixth grade.
You know what? I should never, never have agreed with Robert to back off.
We gotta get on his ass now.
Co-parenting after a divorce is a sham.
It's overhyped, "united front" bullshit.
Yeah, especially when one parent, in this case me, is 100% right.
How are you? Everything the same with Cole? Yep.
Still hates my guts.
You raise a son, you think you've been a good mother, and now he acts like he escaped from a cult.
Plus, work sucks.
I think maybe I don't give a shit about people's problems anymore.
With a dollop of contempt on the side.
It's, uh I'm fucked up.
Oh, you poor thing.
You're waiting for me to say something wise, aren't you? - Mm-hmm.
- Hmm - Anything? - I'm so Nope.
So, how are things going with Mrs.
Dufresne Number 2? Oh, she's still on bed rest.
She'll be fine.
I loved being pregnant.
I did, too.
I still have fond memories of throwing up in a trashcan on Third Avenue.
Everything just felt Yeah, just in alignment.
You're a little jealous.
That's normal.
Oh-ho, wrong, wrong! No, no, no.
I'm not saying I'd want to go through it again.
Would you? I'm, um, not sure we have a vote at this point.
Trust me, I have zero baby envy.
The only envy I have is for the parent who can find their daughter's Sit-Upon.
Lila is driving me nuts.
A Sit-Upon? What the fuck? She made it in Brownies like a hundred years ago.
It's basically like this cushion that they decorate with like pom-poms and rickrack.
And so at meetings they can, you know, - sit upon.
That's correct.
- Upon.
And we nicknamed it the "petri dish pillow," because it just got so freaking disgusting and filthy over the years.
So, anywho, the big reunion's coming up.
Ten little girls in my modest home.
Guess what's mandatory.
Should I call for a chopper and some oxygen tanks? What? Oh, I just got it! That was a good one! Douchebag.
Okay, I have a question.
Any chance you're ordering all this shit out of boredom? - Or just to torture me? - Stop being nuts.
- You almost done? - No, I'm not almost done.
Look at all this lumber! Is this a bed tray or a cattle fence? I am so excited! This thing has five adjustable angles, built-in USB-powered fan, worry-free cup groove, and a welcome guide.
Sounds like God's gift.
If only God had included enough screws.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
See you tomorrow.
Look, Hon.
You'll never guess.
Amazon Prime.
My magnetic index cards! Whoo! What's wrong with this picture, Diane? Never mind.
I'll tell you.
We have an imbalanced circle rack.
Oh, no! As any child can see, there's an inordinate amount of gaps and bunches.
Each item should be spaced out proportionately.
Otherwise, what do we have? Oh, gee, Mimi, I'm stumped.
Can you teach me? Non-symmetrical anarchy.
- Oh.
- Now do your job.
This isn't Marshalls.
"Gaps and bunches.
" Give me a break.
I don't see one fucking gap or bunch.
Oh, terrific.
Like I don't have enough to deal with.
Sweetie, I'm having a shitty day.
Is this really necessary? Fuck off, Myrtle.
Goddamn you! Get back here you little wise ass! Don't you dare! Delroy! Stop! Ah! - Settle down, settle down.
- Ah! Ah! - Come on, Diane.
- Ugh.
Dump her in the hole.
Just wasting my time.
A bet's a bet.
You owe me ten bucks.
No fair, no fair.
You set me up.
You knew I wouldn't know it was suspended for All Saints' Day.
Olivia, dear, is there alternate side of the street parking today? No.
All Saints' Day.
Thank you.
- You mean, "A-ha!" - Mmmm.
- You mean, "I'm a gloater.
" - Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
You know what? This is for you, my trusty soldier.
Why don't you go buy yourself a hat? Gee, big spender! Here, Frances.
I don't want his dirty money.
No, no, no.
It's yours.
It's yours, fair and square.
You enjoy it.
Okay, I just wanna quickly ask Olivia.
Obviously, Nia has a way to go before college.
She's only four months old.
All right? Here we go again.
Another victim.
And I know, I know how you feel about your beloved Michigan.
Easy.
Leading the witness.
Hypothetically speaking, it's the future; it's Senior year.
And she says to you, "Mom, I don't wanna go to college.
" - This is an unfair comparison.
- Listen.
Do you do you back off? Or or do you try to persuade her otherwise? Are you kidding me? She has no say in it.
She's wearing a Wolverines onesie as we speak.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Slide it on over.
Ten clams.
Give 'em to me.
Oh, say, what'd you just blow up there? A Benz C63 S.
Any particular reason? He was a snitch.
No one likes a snitch.
Hey, have you seen Lila's Sit-Upon? Her what? You know, the her petri dish pillow.
Uh-uh.
Nope.
Tom, you have to go to college.
Mom, look what you just did! Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Jeez, sue me.
I told you.
I'm taking some time off.
I have that right.
Well, time off for what? Are there any specific plans or interests you wanna pursue? I don't I don't know.
I might try and open a record store.
Okay.
All right.
Here's the headline, buddy.
You're 17.
You know nothing.
But do know this.
You are going to college in the fall, and you're gonna start working on the essay immediately.
- End of conversation.
- I'm not! - End of conver - I'm not going! It's a rip-off! Even Jackie says it's a waste of time.
She never went to college.
She makes crazy money.
And meanwhile, you work in a bird shop.
What? Oh, really? Well, that bird shop pays for your Grand Thief Bloodbath! Doesn't it? Hey, it's Robert.
Leave a message.
Hey, it's me.
Listen, uh, I have to talk to you.
It's urgent, and I really don't wanna do it over the phone, so just just call me ASAP, okay? Oh, dude Fuck you and Jeff Bezos.
Surprise! Nice ears, Helen Keller! Why are you here? Oh, God, it's like hugging a stuffed ape! Any life in there, Sasquatch? Larry, go get Robert's present from the back seat! That a boy! Let's go! - Oh! Excuse me.
- Sir, can you keep a shorter lead, a shorter lead! Jesus! So off we go, okay? Ohio to Parsippany.
Ten hours, non-stop.
I'm car sick, 'cause Larry here rides the brakes like he's humping a French bulldog.
So we finally make it to corp.
Now, bear in mind, the DM all but promised me this promotion back in, I think it was, June.
So, I walk in, and who's sitting there? Drumroll Scott fuckin' Wong.
No! Wait.
Do you know Scott Wong? No, but the way she tells a story Go on, Cathy.
Tell me what happened next.
So, you have to realize, back when I was desk clerk at La Quinta, Scott Wong was a glorified pillow-biter, a colossal suck-up, okay? So anyway, in the end, all right, I drove 600 miles to learn that Scott Wong wormed his way into Wyndham, blew corp, and sabotaged my promotion.
So here we are.
A couple of weary travelers dropping by to say howdy.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, that story tracks like a dream.
When do you guys eat lunch around here? You know, my blood sugar is in the toilet.
Oh, don't worry, Robby can go get you something.
Just tell him what you want.
You know what? I really like this one.
I think you finally picked a winner! Good for you, champ! Hey, Larry! Lose the muffs, okay? Join the human race.
We're gonna have a picnic! Never gonna get a space like this again! Ha-ha-ha! He found your crowbar, honey! - Evidence.
- Mm-hmm.
Delroy, shall we watch it again for shits and giggles? Why not? Hmmm, what's wrong with this picture? Anyone? Well, for one thing, those circle racks have a lot of gaps and bunches.
- Weird.
- Give me a break.
You know, you really messed up my ankle when you slammed me into that floor.
I'm in a lot of pain.
Oh, please.
Pop a Motrin and go home to your cats.
All right, I've had it with you, Missy.
I press one button, and your ass will be on a chain gang.
- Yawn.
- That's it! That is it! It's time to grow up Taylor.
I happen to know someone who's in jail for stealing.
And believe me, it's no square dance.
You need to wise up, get a job, be responsible.
I had a job.
At the Disney Store.
I hated it.
Interesting.
Why? It didn't pay well? Having to sell puppets all day? That stupid grasshopper in a top hat with a little cane, and he's got that silly smirk? It's a cricket.
Jiminy.
Well, excuse me for not being an entomologist, Delroy.
No, I just couldn't act all fake and happy and be nice to people.
So they fired me.
Yeah.
It's hard, huh? Pretending to be cheery when you're miserable? Yeah.
I understand.
Wasn't this a fun idea? Eating outside in the fresh air? In the dead of winter.
A close-minded person might've thought it was fuckin' insane.
I'm so happy to be out of that car.
It really started to smell bad.
Turns out there was a mouse in the heat core! Cooked like a meatball! - Gross! - Yeah! Well, I'm glad to get outside.
I'm finally allowed to move around a little more.
Mmm, yeah, I always wanted kids.
I was diagnosed with a caustic uterus.
Labs came back and turned out I had more acid than a truck battery.
Nature in its infinite wisdom.
And Larry's sperm, what little there was of it, didn't have a chance.
It was like swimming into a bonfire.
But, you know, that's life.
You either get Wonged out of a promotion, or end up spending half your paycheck taking care of Dad at the nursing home.
There it is.
Finally.
The tedious wind-up has ended.
- What? - You damn well know I pay for everything when it comes to Dad.
- Oh? - The private room, the food upgrade, the electric wheelchair, that fucking balloon-twisting idiot at casino night.
Sweat equity, Robert.
You can look it up.
The sweat equity that it takes to wheel him into the Sunshine Room, so he can see the fucking goldfish! Or push him outside, so he can watch the trucks go by! Or the sweat equity it takes to hold his penis, so he can piss in a cup without baptizing the walls! What the fuck is wrong with you, you psycho? That is a job for a male nurse, Cathy! Keep your hands off Dad's penis! You need to crack your wallet, Shylock.
All right? If I wanna get robbed, I'll go to Tijuana.
Look, okay, there's something to be said for putting real time in, Robby.
Just stay out of it, Jackie.
You don't understand what's happening here.
This shit pre-dates you.
It's a fucking shakedown! Am I right or am I wrong, Larry? Leave him out of it! Do you know the gas, time, and effort that goes into bringing him an Oreo Blast from Sonic and hosing him down afterwards? Dairy gives him explosive diarrhea.
I know! I should have you fucking arrested! Robert? Oh, he goes.
He goes! Robert? Hey.
What's going on? Hey, mildly curious where's your cell phone? Um, I don't know.
It's around somewhere.
Oh, that's perfect.
Okay, well, can you step in here for a second, so you and Is that who I think it is? Well, strike up the band, Barbie's here! It was an ambush.
You should've called first.
Hey, Boney Maroney, I want a hug.
Can I get a hug? Come on! Cathy.
Oh, Cathy, Cathy.
What a what a what a disturbing surprise.
You're telling me.
I thought we got rid of you.
But like they say, even a blind dog finds its way home, right? Yes, yes.
And recalls fondly why it left in the first place.
Mmmm! You are right, these Harvest Bowls are so good! Mm-hmm.
But aren't they like a million calories? Not if you get it without the rice.
You're a genius, and I love you.
Thank you.
Damn, you got Sweetgreen? I'm on the walkie, you know.
Hmm.
I don't know what to say anymore, Taylor.
I'm worn out.
Who is this old man? My grandfather.
But you can't live with me anymore.
You're gonna have to go to Gail and Andy's.
- If they'll take you.
- In Harrisburg? That is so mean! I can't move there! Well, I'm sorry.
You had enough warnings.
No.
Wrong approach, Grandpa.
This is a good girl here.
She needs guidance, not warnings.
See this? Voilà! Absolved.
She's innocent.
Now, you apologize to her about that Gail and Andy shit.
And then you know what you're gonna do? You are gonna take her to the third floor, and you're gonna buy her that leather jacket that she tried to steal.
It's called communication.
You have it in her size? So anyway, I told that cop.
I said, "Fine, come on, - give me the ticket.
" - Hey, Frances.
Oh, hey, Jackie.
"But I'm gonna fight it, "and I'm gonna tell the judge that you were staring at my crotch.
" Isn't Cathy fun? Oh.
Gosh, Cathy is so many things.
It's it's hard to whittle it down to just one imprecise word.
Hmm.
Wow, you finally ditched that smelly Lustre-Creme? I think they stopped making Lustre-Creme in 1953.
Much more your era.
Say, is it me, or did you shrink an inch or two? Nah, it's just those flashy, money-maker stilettos you're wearing.
We all gotta sell our ass somehow, right? Just their little dance.
Larry, it's garbage! Drag it to the curb! What'd you bring it in here for, show and tell? Jeez.
Hi, Larry.
How you doin'? But I guess I assume that's sort of a dumb question.
He can't hear you.
Metallica, full blast.
Okay, okay.
Can I grab you for a few minutes? - Me? - No.
But you know what, Cathy? Tell Jackie that fun story about how you got kicked out of the dinner theater for stalking Tom Wopat.
Oh, anyway, the lights had gone out during halftime, right? She has no business sharing her opinions with him.
It's disrespectful to us, but especially me, his mother.
Just find this hard to believe.
What does he claim she said exactly? Oh, um, you know, "Well, Jackie says college is a waste of time.
Jackie never went to college, and Jackie makes crazy money.
" Why would he make it up? Okay, so clearly something was said, and we don't know Wait a second.
How did this conversation even happen? Are you winding him up? Yeah, we-we agreed to lay off.
Well, I don't I don't know that we necessarily agreed to lay off.
We said briefly, so I was I was brief.
That's bullshit and you know it.
You and I have a clear understanding when it comes to these kids, Frances.
It's an alliance, and you're fucking around with that.
All right, well, you know what? It needs to be dealt with, so let's figure it out.
Just don't worry about it.
He's going to college in the fall.
You bet.
Let me talk to Jackie.
She's all yours as soon as I finish.
Um, Jackie, are you in the middle of something? Yes, I'm ordering Chia seeds.
What's up? Just a question, um Do you recall ever suggesting to Tom that he shouldn't go to college? No.
Why would I do that? You didn't tell him that college was a waste of time? Uh, we may have talked about college, but it was just a general conversation.
Okay, so you didn't try to persuade him that he shouldn't go? I didn't push him either way.
I I may have said it's not for everybody, and it wasn't for me.
A-ha! Exactly! Well, see, for him that was a push.
And now he says he's not going, which was not particularly helpful to me, to Robert, or to Tom.
So I'm not allowed to have a conversation with my stepson in my own home where he lives half the time - where I cook his meals? - No.
No, there are subjects with my kids with our kids that are off limits.
You haven't earned those conversations, and I really need you to respect that.
God, if we could bottle the envy in her eyes, we could blow up Russia.
Get over it, Farrah.
Robert planted one in her belly, and now you're in the rear view.
So go find a life.
Cathy, shut the fuck up.
Cathy, I know this is not like a bombshell headline but every single word that comes out of your mouth is designed to make someone feel shitty.
And normally, I could give a shit, because I have the misfortune of knowing you so well.
But this time, you did it.
You made me feel shitty.
So congratulations.
Once again, I'm cast as the villain.
Because you are the villain! You're that fucking white runt from Middle Earth.
And you're a misogynist! You can't handle a strong and independent woman! That's why you surround yourself with these bimbos.
- Okay, bitch.
- Okay, checking out.
- Oh, boy! - How is this funny? You should be pissed.
Jackie, I'm sorry, but when you married Robert, you inherited all of his accessories.
It's not my problem anymore.
I'm free.
Hey.
Hey.
Good-bye, Larry.
Stay strong.
Oh, have you seen Lila's Sit-Upon? - The petri dish pillow? - Yeah.
No Wait, did we lose it? I don't know.
I'll call the renters.
I'll see if they let me in the garage to look for it.
What's a petri dish pillow? It's too hard to explain.
How do you do it, Larry? Not to dredge up less happier times, but ever since you tried to kill yourself, you just seem weirdly at peace.
What's the secret? Larry, wait! Move your fat ass and put that crap in the cooler! Jesus.
So much is said in silence.
Stay gold, Larry.
You know, it's hurtful that you don't appreciate all that I do for Dad.
You don't live there, so you don't know.
I'll send you three grand in the mail.
Don't come up here again.
Done.
Larry, it's just a few bags, not a Chinese slat puzzle! Jam 'em in and let's blow this shitbox! God! I can't believe you didn't have my back with Frances.
You just fucking stood there.
It was so insulting.
You're married to me now, remember? God, I'm sick of this shit.
So much is said in silence.
- Hi! You made it! - Yeah, I'm sorry I'm late, but I'll be I'll be really fast and be really quiet.
Oh, no worries, the key's still under the flower pot.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, you mind if I Would it be weird if I asked Frances out? - I would like you to meet Henry.
- Hey, Robert! So you're officially off the market? - Yep.
- Good luck, dick face.
I can bring dinner over tomorrow night.
Why the hell would you want to do that? We're trying to be a family, and I don't want there to be tension.
I predict a lovely evening filled with banter and bonding.
I found a buyer for your house.
My and Frances' old house? It's not for sale.
So, Henry, do you have kids? Uh, step-kids.
So, your ex.
Is she white too? Robbie! Did I just micro-aggress you, man? - You think? - I'm so sorry.