Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967) s02e14 Episode Script

The Last Post

1 What do you say fingers? It's all right by me boss, but I can't speak for the thumb.
The show that brings you knee-chilling horror Doctor Doctor! I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor! The show that brings you young fresh talent.
Oh, for the wings, for the wings of a dove Oh! Help! The show that brings untarnished glimpses of domestic life.
Rock a-bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks Yes thank you very much, we'll let you know, love, alright? Next please.
And the show that brings you the beautiful sounds of the Bonzo Dog Band.
Yes, it's time for the last in the present series of Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Dear? Yes dear? Will you pass the sugar please dear? Yes dear.
Thank you dear.
Do you want some more tea, dear? Yes, please, dear.
Milk, dear? Yes, please, dear.
What's the matter, dear? No sugar, dear.
Any letters today dear? Just one dear.
Who is it from, dear? Donna dear.
I think I'll read it later.
Well, I must be off to the office, dear.
Yes, alright dear.
Don't forget your briefcase dear.
Thank you dear.
Bye bye dear.
Oh well I suppose I'd better get my husband out now.
Sydney! Morning dear Morning dear Yes, when it comes to food, toopers porkpies give you a man-sized meal.
I name this child Edith Frank.
No, hang on a minute, is it a boy or a girl? It's a boy, vicar.
Well you can't call a boy Edith.
Edith is a girl's name.
Well I'm called Edith.
Are you really? Yes.
Edith R.
- What's the R for? - Rosemary.
- Rosemary? Yes, that's right, isn't it, Frank? - Yes dear.
Now look, hang on, let's get this sorted out.
You can't call a boy Edith.
- Are you sure? - Yes I'm quite sure.
Oh, well, I suppose we'd better think of another name for him.
Oh dear, can't think of any boys names at all.
Well how about Roger? No thank you, we've got an auntie Roger already.
Yes, she's in the navy.
Well how about Peter? No Nigel? No I'll tell you what, excuse me Please hurry up.
Oh, capital! Yes, well, we've decided that we would like him to be called what you are called.
Oh, thank you very much, that's really kind.
Well, let's get on with it, shall we? I named this child the Reverend Priscilla Marjorie Jane MDDA.
Last week we left Captain Fantastic and Mrs.
Black battling in a boating pond.
Now he attempts to land her and hand her over to the aupor authorities.
But she is off yet again.
This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
Completely unhampered by the battle, I've thundered the evil woman into a wickerwork shelf, just happened to be near at hand.
Whipping out my patent anti-Mrs.
Black escape time block, a series 23 Z-B, just lucky I happened to have it on my person at the time, and I had got her at last.
It had certainly been no picnic.
Oh well, time to shoulder my responsabilities.
The tower for you, you old bat.
One week later.
As the story continues, as they say, to err is human, to forgive a fine, or in your case, a life sentence.
You're fupitated.
We all know you old battle axe, just open the box and hand her over.
Simple as that.
Come on, come out you old crone.
No, it's no use raving, you've been robbing too long.
I'll keep my eagle eye on you.
Go on, careful.
Oh, right in my belly button.
the source of all her evil power, give me the source Look, not the bottle I mean the ring, the ring the finger.
the finger coming off Ah, got it.
There it is.
Look, get out of that.
In a flash, I could see she was furious.
Now just call a copper, and my charge was complete.
I hit her with my famous lamb chop.
And that the law came rushing to my assistance.
Oi, helmet, over here.
Here you are, officer, the most evil person in the world.
You've got it wrong you fool, it's not me.
That one, there, the one with the black hat and the boots.
There you go.
Well done, officer.
Goobye, Mrs.
Black, forever.
You'll soon be walking through the traitor's gate, haha.
Musician completely unaccomplished.
Well done, Fantastic.
My wife and I, and Tiddles the cat, we shall thank you on behalf of the world, and the Orpington young conservative Girls Choir.
Goobye Fantastic.
This is - I can't read the writing - Oh, "the end".
Well friends, the end of the series and the end of the show.
And it's been worthwhile if it made just one of you smile.
But one of the nicest people in showbusiness, a great friend of mine, I hope he's gonna be a friend of you, so keep asking for him time and time again, is Legs Larry Smith.
We have him with us.
Hi there Vivian.
Hi everybody.
Thank you, thank you, a real pleasure, thank you.
Legs, it's wonderful having you on the show.
Vivian, it's a wonderful treat to be on it, I mean that sincerely everybody.
Well, it's wonderful for you to say that it's wonderful, being on the show.
Tell me, do you remember something you did behind the woodshed once? Oh gosh, yeah.
- Would you like to give it to us tonight? - No.
- We'd like to hear it.
- Thank you.
Look at me I'm wonderful Thank you.
I'm not a bit like you, or you, I'm a super showbiz star.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, you're very wonderful.
You all buy my records, so I'd like to say some little cliché, like that of Thank you very much it's wonderful being here in your country, it's so great, it's so great, but right now I want to dance, yeah I want to dance! It's super glossy greasy showbiz star, in a white tuxedo, he looks wonderbar, with his wide American accent and his body so relaxing so relaxing constant tonight folks, you want to see him dance, yeah.
Oh dear.
Unstuck windows in his junky car It's super glossy greasy foggy super charming shoo-ba ba-doo star.
That's really wonderful.
Could I have a whisky and soda please.
Whisky and soda, sir.
Excuse me, I asked for a whisky and soda.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
Half a bitter please, Nigel.
- Half a bitter.
- Yes, thanks.
Excuse me, I'll have a half of bitter after all.
- Half a bitter.
- Yes.
- Not a whisky and soda.
- No.
Excuse me old chap, I wonder if you could keep about any money, you know, if you could buy me a half of bitter, do you? Yes, certainly, of course, why didn't you say, sir.
Half a bitter for my friend please Nigel.
Not for me, he'd like it.
I don't know why I come here.
You're all loaded.
Whisky and soda, it's water Thank goodness he got rid of him.
Don't have to drink this foul stuff.
Can I have the usual again, please Nigel? Rightho mr.
Have one for yourself too.
Oh, thank you very much, I don't mind if I do.
We are now bringing you a special program to cover the last moments of Do Not Adjust Your Set.
On this solemn occasion, we all stand here hopefully wai - Wait, not yet.
- What? It's not the end yet.
- Oh.
- Take it away.
- Oh, sorry.
- It's alright.
On this solemn occasion, here in London, over London Bridge, the rush-hour crowds have paused to observe a two-minute silence as their tribute, before going back to normal.
Many more people have hurried home from work to catch the last glimpse of a program they have missed every day for the last 13 weeks.
In Trafalgar Square, vast crowds gathered to protest against the ending of the only program which spoke their language, pidgin English.
And Parliament has been split by MPs who want the program to stay on Well hello, and welcome on this truly solemn occasion, and as I stand here on the steps of st.
Paul's Cathedral, the downcast gaze of the passers-by, the toning bells at the flags flying at half-mast, all tell the same story.
This is the end, and it is at this truly Not yet.
I thought you said it was the end.
Not the end yet.
Take it away.
Do beg your pardon.
And it is at this truly moving moment that we shall be bringing you live coverage of this day of mourning from the heart of London.
And as we stand here waiting for the end, we shall be looking back at what this show has meant.
We brought you hit music: And we brought you stars, we brought you the toast of New York.
And we brought you controversy.
- No we didn't.
- Yes we did.
- No we didn't.
- We did.
- We didn't.
- We did.
- We didn't.
- Get off.
And we're not afraid to face up to some of the burning questions of the day.
Thompson, did you know your trousers were burning? No.
No, I didn't actually, not at all.
Oh dear.
Yes, here they are.
Don't worry.
Garibaldi camel has been on hunger strike now for 31 days.
Camel, what does it feel like to go without food for 31 days? And we brought you vivid accounts from those in touch with the famous men and women of our era.
Hello, the other day I saw Lord Mountbatten in Frogfirmly Avenue.
You know, he looks exactly like he does on our telly, black and white with little short legs.
I said to mrs.
Atkins, isn't that Lord Mountbatten coming out of the chemist, and she said, no, that's Engelbert Humperdinck, and I said, no, Engelbert Humperdinck shangri-la walks, and she said, no, that was Tommy Doherty, and I said, well, would Tommy Docherty be coming out of our chemists on a pogo stick? Anyway after I'd had my hair done I went home in the bus with mrs.
Johnson and you know who was sitting opposite us? Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin.
Here's why I couldn't believe it either.
Well, I mean, the 43A doesn't stop at Las Vegas on Saturday.
Anyway, they were turned off the bus for singing, and I said quite right to to the conductor, it was that nice Sidney Poitier, you know.
Anyway, when I got home I told my husband I'd seen all these famous people and you know he didn't believe me? Not a word.
He doesn't believe a word I say nowadays.
Honestly he's got so cynical since he was made Archbishop of Canterbury.
And yes, and here at Galveston Vault.
I can say we also brought you all the gayest and brightest in the music of today.
Do Not Adjust Your Set also brought you fearless exposés, such as this first ever interview with a self-confessed bank robber.
X, you are a bank robber? Yes, that is correct, yes.
How many years have you been a bank robber? Forty-three years.
And how many banks have you robbed in those 43 years? Just the one.
You've only robbed one bank in 43 years? Yes, that's right, I've robbed it every day for 43 years, except for two holidays and a foot illness in 1957.
X, how do you go about robbing a bank? Now you've no need to answer that if you don't want to.
No, I go in through the main door at 8:45 of the a.
I unlocked the office door, I hang my hat and coat up upon the peg, and then I'll position myself behind the desk.
I see.
You're obviously very cool headed about it.
Having made your way into the office, I suppose you then go for the safe? No, oh no.
I don't usually go for the safe till after the morning coffee break.
I see.
And then you crack it open now? No, I use the combination lock.
You know the combination lock of the safe? Oh yes, it is a rule, it is a rule of the company, but only the bank robber knows the combination.
You see mr.
X, are you sure that you are a bank robber? Oh yes.
Are you sure that you're not a bank manager.
Na Oh.
Manager, yes that's it, I'm a manager.
I know, I've got a little card on the front of my desk with it written on.
Don't tell.
So it was that mr.
Frank X broke down under my intensive questioning.
He's now doing eight years for managing about.
As we get near the sad moment which is the focus of this sombre occasion, I feel a great our upon me.
But we cannot go without the last glimpse into one of our famous probes, and this time into the wonderful world of sports.
Oh, help, help! And now here are tonight's sports results.
First football, FA Cup sixth round.
Coventry City nil, Everton six thousand nine hundred and forty seven after extra-time.
League Division, one, West Bromwich Albion, two.
And an unusual result, chelsea one, Tottenham nil, Queens Park Rangers, four.
There's to be a recount.
And one surprising result, Arsenal nil, West Indies 247 for 8 declared.
Certainly a big surprise there.
First time Arsenal have lost at home since November.
And the result of a friendly match, Sheffield United married Fulham.
In the friendly match between Everton and a bunny girls 11, play was abandoned.
Film of that match has been stolen.
And play was also abandoned in the 3rd round second leg replay of the North European qualifying section of the preliminary round of the European amateur Cup with fair city eliminating quarterfinals, as no one knew what was going on.
One Rugby League score, awakeville tarinity nil, saint Alan's 21.
Happy birthday saint Alan.
And finally here is the draw for the FA Cup.
Most of it goes in there, but there's still room for Cleopatra.
And we've brought you music again.
Even here in Paris, there is a spontaneous display of public affection and sympathy taking place at this very moment as this program reaches its end, the end of Do Not Adjust Your Set, which will not be for one or two moments yet.
Get off.
Take it away.
But as I stand here above the tour Eiffel, or, as we say in England, the Nelson's Column, Frenchmen of both sexes are gathered as their fellow countrymen Ivor Clarke, pays his last farewell.
Ah! Well, hello again, fans.
Why, this is a sad occasion for me, pour moi, and I've been thinking to myself, a moi-même, what can I show you for my last rest affaire? Well, the other day I was watching The Sound of Music in the Bordeaux Odeon, and I saw Julie Andrews, what a beautiful woman she is, like a young Jimmy Greaves, and anyway, she was leaping about in the mountains, when suddenly it struck me: mushroom souffle.
Right on the nose.
I think it must have been thrown by man in the circle.
Naughty man! Anyway, how to make mushroom souffle.
Well, here we have the bowl of mushrooms, Mehta Denis, bon, naughty but lovely.
Now then, first thing we have to determine is, is it a mushroom which is delicieux, or a toadstool which is poisonous and naughty? Well, there's one simple way, we taste it.
Here goes.
Ah, bon, is a mushroom.
Hello again fans! Hello again, fans! HellAh! Hello again fans.
Why, as you can see, I made a boo-boo, it was a toadstool after all.
And I'm now in heaven, which is very nice, but all the food is pre-packed, very clean, you know.
Sometimes I wish we could have gone to hell, there you can really keep things hot.
They have barbecues every night and some wonderful dishes.
They have grilled soul, devilled kidneys, kidney devil, unbeliever and chips, and mortal pie flavored with a little cinnamon and not a woman.
But up here we have to make do with what we can, mostly smoke, plus, we have some wonderful dishes, we have ice cream with a cherub on top, and we have pebble meringue pie, and of course a piece of cod which passes all understanding, but my favorite here is angel cake.
This is really bon and delicieux.
I could nib, nib, nibble it all day.
What is this? There's someone in my angel's cake! What are you doing up here, Denise, naughty but lovely? Sultry temptress! I is a soupçon if your mushroom souffle, you great French berk.
Oh Denise, not here, please.
Forgive me, please.
So, so Ivor Clarke So Ivor Clarke got his just dessert, and we've brought you music again.
Well, the moment has finally arrived, this is actually the end of Do Not Adjust Your Set.
and to mark it, I've been allowed to broadcast to you live from the steps of number 10 Downing Street.
And I believe the Prime Minister himself is going to come out in a few moments to say a few words to us.
Well, as I stand here Here! Hey look I haven't finished yet, look, I've still have my commentary to do.
I'd better get out if I were you, you're going to miss it otherwise.
I am assured I would have imagined live broadcasting live from the steps of number 10 Downing Street and the prime minister is going to come out any moment And may a few words to us What a sad moment this is And as we stand here waiting for the end
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