Doctor Who s01e02 Episode Script
The End of the World
Run.
I'm the Doctor, by the way.
What's your name? - Rose.
- Nice to meet you, Rose.
Run for your life! It's gonna follow us! The assembled hoards of Genghis Khan couldn't get through that door, and believe me, they've tried.
- Are you alien? - Yes.
You could come with me.
- Is it always this dangerous? - Yeah.
Right, Rose Tyler, you tell me, where do you wanna go? Backwards or forwards in time? It's your choice.
What's it gonna be? Forwards.
- How far? - One hundred years.
There you go! Step outside those doors, it's the 22nd century.
- You're kidding.
- That's a bit boring, though.
Do you wanna go further? Fine by me.
Ten thousand years in the future.
Step outside, it's the year 12005.
The new Roman Empire.
You think you're so impressive.
- I am so impressive.
- You wish! Right, then.
You asked for it.
I know exactly where to go.
Hold on! Where are we? What's out there? You lot You spend all your time thinking about dying.
How you're gonna get killed by eggs or beef or global warming or asteroids.
But you never take time to imagine the impossible.
That maybe you survived.
This is the year 5.
5/Apple/26.
Five billion years in your future.
And this is the day Hold on This is the day the sun expands.
Welcome to the end of the world.
Shuttles five and six now docking.
Guests are reminded that Platform One forbids the use of weapons, teleportation and religion.
Earth-death is scheduled for 15:39, followed by drinks in the Manchester Suite.
So when it says "guests", does that mean people? Depends what you mean by people.
- I mean people.
What do you mean? - Aliens.
What are they doing on board this spaceship? What's it all for? It's not really a spaceship, more like an observation deck.
The great and the good are gathering to watch the planet burn.
- What for? - Fun! Mind you, when I say "the great and the good", what I mean is the rich.
But Hold on, they did this once on Newsround Extra, the sun expanding, - that takes hundreds of years.
- Millions.
But the planet's now the property of the National Trust.
They've been keeping it preserved.
See down there? Gravity satellites holding back the sun.
The planet looks the same as ever.
I thought the continent shifted and things.
They did, and the Trust shifted 'em back! That's a classic Earth.
But now the money's run out, nature takes over.
How long's it got? About half an hour.
Then the planet gets roasted.
Is that why we're here? I mean, is that what you do? Jump in at the last minute and save the Earth? I'm not saving it.
Time's up.
- But what about the people? - It's empty.
They've all gone.
All left.
- Just me, then.
- Who the hell are you? - Oh, that's nice.
Thanks.
- But how did you get in? This is a maximum hospitality zone.
The guests have disembarked! They're on their way any second No! That's me.
I'm a guest.
Look, I've got an invitation.
Look, there you see? It's fine.
You see? "The Doctor, plus one.
" I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler, she's my "plus one".
Is that all right? Well, obviously.
Apologies, et cetera.
If you're on board, we'd better start.
Enjoy.
The paper's slightly psychic.
It shows them whatever I want them to see.
Saves a lot of time.
- He's blue.
- Yeah.
Okay.
We have in attendance, the Doctor and Rose Tyler! Thank you.
All staff to their positions.
Hurry now! Thank you! Quick as we can, come along, come along! And now, might I introduce the next honoured guest representing the Forest of Cheem, we have trees.
Namely Jabe, Lute and Coffa.
There will be an exchange of gifts, representing peace.
If you could keep the room circulating, thank you.
Next, from the solicitors Jolco and Jolco, we have the Moxx of Balhoon.
And next, from Financial Family Seven, we have the Adherents of the Repeated Meme.
The inventors of hyposlip travel systems, the brothers Hop Pyleen! Thank you.
Cal "Sparkplug" Mr and Mrs Pakoo.
The ambassadors from the City State of Binding Light The gift of peace.
I bring you a cutting of my grandfather.
- Thank you.
- Yes, gifts, urn I give you in return air from my lungs.
How intimate.
There's more where that came from.
I bet there is.
The sponsor of the main event, please welcome the Face of Boe.
The Moxx of Balhoon.
My felicitations upon this historical happenstance.
I bring you the gift of bodily salivas.
Thank you very much.
Ah! The Adherents of the Repeated Meme! I bring you air from my lungs.
A gift of peace.
In all good faith.
And last but not least, our very special guest.
Ladies and gentlemen and trees and multiforms, consider the Earth, below.
In memory of this dying world, we call forth the last human.
The Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen.
Oh, now don't stare! I know, I know.
It's shocking, isn't it? I've had my chin completely taken away and look at the difference! Look how thin I am.
Thin and dainty! I don't look a day over 2,000.
Moisturise me, moisturise me! Truly, I am the last human.
My father was a Texan, my mother was from the Arctic desert.
They were born on the Earth and they were the last to be buried in its soil.
I have come to honour them and say goodbye.
Oh, no tears, no tears I'm sorry.
But behold! I bring gifts! From Earth itself, the last remaining ostrich egg.
Legend says, it had a wingspan of 50 feet! And blew fire from its nostrils.
Or was that my third husband? Oh, no, oh, don't laugh, I'll get laughter-lines.
No, stop! Mercy! And here! Another rarity.
According to the archives, this was called an iPod.
It stores classical music from humanity's greatest composers.
Play on! The refreshments will now be served.
Earth-death in 30 minutes.
Sometimes I feel I've got to run away I've got to get away from the pain That you drive into the heart of me The love we share seems to go nowhere And I've lost my light For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night - Doctor.
Thank you.
A gift of peace in all good faith.
No, you're very kind, but I'm just the steward.
A gift of peace in all good faith.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Of course.
Identify species.
Please identify species.
Now stop it! Identify his race.
Where's he from? It's impossible.
Sorry, am I allowed to be in here? You have to give us permission to talk.
Urn - You have permission.
- Thank you.
And, no, you're not in the way.
- Guests are allowed anywhere.
- Okay.
- What's your name? - Raffalo.
- Raffalo? - Yes, miss.
I won't be long, I've just got to carry out some maintenance.
There's a tiny little glitch in the Face of Boe's suite.
There must be something blocking the system.
He's not getting any hot water.
- So, you're a plumber? - That's right, miss.
They still have plumbers? I hope so, else I'm out of a job! - Where are you from? - Crespallion.
That's a planet, is it? No, Crespallion's part of the Jaggit Brocade, affiliated to the Scarlet Junction, Convex 56.
And where are you from, miss? If you don't mind me asking.
No, not at all.
Um I don't know.
A long way away.
I just sort of hitched a lift with this man I didn't even think about it.
Don't even know who he is.
He's a complete stranger.
Anyway, don't let me keep you.
Good luck with it! Thank you, miss.
And thank you for the permission.
Not many people are that considerate.
Okay.
See you later.
Now, then.
Control, I'm at junction 19.
I think the problem's coming from in here.
I'll go inside and have a look.
What's that? Something in there? Ooh.
Who are you, then? Hold on! If you're an upgrade, I just need to register you, that's all.
Oh, come back.
Ah, there you are.
Now, I just need to register your ident.
Aw, there's two of ya! Got yourself a little mate? I think I'd better report this to control.
How many of you are there? What are you? Oh, no! No! - What's that? - Well, how should I know? Would the owner of the blue box in private gallery 15 please report to the steward's office immediately.
Guests are reminded that the use of teleportation devices is strictly prohibited under Peace Treaty 5.
4/Cup/16.
Thank you.
Earth-death in 25 minutes.
Earth-death in 25 minutes.
Oh, thanks.
Hello! My name's Rose.
That's a sort of plant.
We might be related.
I'm talking to a twig.
Oi, now, careful with that, park it properly.
No scratches.
Rose, are you in there? Aye-aye! - What d'you think, then? - Great, yeah.
Fine.
Once you get past the slightly psychic paper.
They're just so alien! The aliens are so alien.
You look at 'em, and they're alien.
Good thing I didn't take you to the deep south.
- Where are you from? - All over the place.
- They all speak English.
- No, you just hear English.
It's a gift of the Tardis.
It's the telepathic field, gets inside your brain, translates.
- It's inside my brain? - Well, in a good way.
Your machine gets inside my head? It gets inside and it changes my mind and you didn't even ask.
I didn't think about it like that.
No, you were too busy thinking up cheap shots about the deep south! Who are you then, Doctor.
What're you called? What sort of alien are you? - I'm just a Doctor.
- From what planet? Well, it's not as if you'd know where it is.
- Where're you from? - What does it matter? - Tell me who you are! - This is who I am.
Right here, right now.
All right? All that counts is here and now, and this is me! Yeah, and I'm here too 'cause you brought me here! So just tell me! Earth-death in 20 minutes.
Earth-death in 20 minutes.
All right.
As my mate Shireen says, "Don't argue with the designated driver.
" Can't exactly call for a taxi.
There's no signal.
We're out of range.
Just a bit.
Tell you what, with a little bit of jiggery-pokery Is that a technical term, "jiggery-pokery"? Yeah, I came first in jiggery-pokery.
What about you? - No, I failed hullabaloo.
- Aw.
There you go.
- Hello? - Mum? Oh, what is it? What's wrong? What have I done now? Ooh, this red top's falling to bits! You should get your money back.
Go on, there must be something.
You never phone in the middle of the day.
- What's so funny? Nothing.
You all right, though? Yeah, why wouldn't I be? - What day is it? - Wednesday all day.
You got a hangover? Oh, I tell you what, put a quid in that lottery syndicate.
I'll pay you back later.
Yeah, um, I was just calling 'cause I might be late home.
Is there something wrong? No, I'm fine.
Top of the world! If you think that's amazing, you wanna see the bill.
That was five billion years ago.
So She's dead now.
Five billion years later, my mum's dead.
Bundle of laughs, you are.
That's not supposed to happen.
Well, what was it? I'm just getting green lights at this end.
Honoured guests may be reassured that gravity pockets may cause slight turbulence.
Thanking you.
The whole place shook! I felt it! I've hosted all sorts of events on platforms one, three, six and fifteen and I've never felt the slightest tremor! I warn you, if this lot decide to sue I'm gonna scan the infrastructure.
What's that? Control, I don't want to worry you, but I'm picking up readings I have no idea! They're small.
The scan says they're metal I don't know what they look like! Although I imagine they might look rather like that.
You're not on the guest list.
How did you get on board? - No! No! - Sunfilter deactivated.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter up! No, no, no! External temperature - Control! Respond! - Sunfilter descending.
- Sunfilter up! - Sunfilter descending.
That wasn't a gravity pocket.
I know gravity pockets, and they don't feel like that.
What do you think, Jabe? Listen to the engines, they're pitched up about 30 Hertz.
Is that dodgy or what? It's the sound of metal, that doesn't make any sense to me.
- Where's the engine room? - I don't know.
But the maintenance duct is just behind our guests' suite, I could show you.
And your wife.
Oh, she's not my wife.
- Partner? - No.
- Concubine? - Nope.
Prostitute? Whatever I am, it must be invisible! Do you mind? Tell you what, you two go and pollinate.
I'm gonna catch up with the Family.
Quick word with Michael Jackson.
Don't start a fight.
I'm all yours.
And I want you home by midnight! Earth-death in 15 minutes.
Earth-death in 75 minutes.
Who's in charge of Platform One? Has it got a captain or what? There's just the steward and the staff.
All the rest is controlled by the metal mind.
You mean, the computer? Well, who controls that? The Corporation.
They move Platform One from one artistic event to another.
Well, there's no one from the Corporation on board.
They're not needed.
This facility is purely automatic.
It's the height of the Alpha Class.
- Nothing can go wrong.
- Unsinkable? If you like.
The nautical metaphor is appropriate.
You're telling me! I was on board another ship once.
They said that was unsinkable.
I ended up clinging to an iceberg.
It wasn't half cold.
So, what you're saying is, if we get in trouble, there's no one to help us out? - I'm afraid not.
- Fantastic! I don't understand.
In what way is that fantastic? Soon the sun will blossom into a red giant, and my home will die.
That's where I used to live, when I was a little boy.
Down there.
Mummy and Daddy had a house built into the side of the Los Angeles Crevasse.
I'd have such fun.
What happened to everyone else? The human race, where did it go? They say mankind has touched every star in the sky.
So you're not the last human.
I am the last pure human.
The others mingled.
Oh, they call themselves New-humans and Proto-humans and Digi-humans, even Human-ish! But do you know what I call them? Mongrels.
Right.
And you stayed behind.
- I kept myself pure.
- Hmm.
How many operations have you had? I'm having my blood bleached.
Is that why you wanted a word? You could be flatter, Rose.
You've got a little bit of a chin poking out.
- I'd rather die.
- Honestly, it doesn't hurt.
I mean it.
I would rather die.
It's better to die than to live like you, a bitchy trampoline.
Oh, well, what do you know? I was born on that planet! And so was my mum and so was my dad.
And that makes me, officially, the last human being in this room.
'Cause you're not human.
You've had it all nipped and tucked and ï¬attened till there's nothing left.
Anything human got chucked in the bin! You're just skin, Cassandra! Lipstick and skin.
Nice talking.
So, tell me, Jabe, what's a tree like you doing in a place like this? - Respect for the Earth.
- Come on! Everyone on this platform is worth zillions! Well, perhaps it's a case of having to be seen at the right occasions.
In case your share prices drop? I know you lot.
You've got massive forests everywhere, roots everywhere! And there's always money in land.
All the same.
We respect the Earth as family.
So many species evolved from that planet.
Mankind is only one.
I am another.
My ancestors were transplanted from the planet down below.
And I'm a direct descendant of the tropical rainforest.
Excuse me.
And what about your ancestry, Doctor? Perhaps you could tell a story or two.
Perhaps a man only enjoys trouble when there's nothing else left? I scanned you earlier.
The metal machine had trouble identifying your species.
It refused to admit your existence.
And even when it named you, I wouldn't believe it.
But it was right.
I know where you're from! Forgive me for intruding, but it's remarkable that you even exist! I just want to say how sorry I am.
Is it me, or is it a bit nippy? Fair dos, though, that's a great bit of air-conditioning.
Sort of nice and old fashioned.
Bet they call it retro.
Gotcha! - What the hell is that? - Is it part of the "retro"? I don't think so, hold on.
- Hey, nice Liana! - Thank you.
Not supposed to show them in public.
Don't worry, I won't tell anybody.
Now, then, who's been bringing their pets on board? - What does it do? - Sabotage Earth-death in 10 minutes And the temperature's about to rocket.
Come on.
The planet's end! Come gather, come gather! Bid farewell to the cradle of civilisation.
Let us mourn her with a traditional ballad.
Baby, can't you see? I'm calling A guy like you should wear a warning It's dangerous I'm fallin' All right, hold on, get back! "AUTOMATED VOICE".
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
- Is the steward in there? - You can smell him.
Hold on.
There's another sunfilter programmed to descend.
Too high can't come down Losing my head Spinning round and round Do you feel me now? Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
- Let me out! Let me out! - Sunfilter descending.
Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Anyone in there? - Let me out! - Oh, well, it would be you.
- Open the door! - Hold on, give us two ticks.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising Sunfilter descending.
It's just what I need.
The computer's getting clever.
- Stop mucking about! - I'm not mucking about! It's fighting back.
- Sunfillter descending.
- Open the door'.
! I know! - Sunfilter descending.
- The lock's melted! Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
The opening's jammed! I can't open the door.
Stay there, don't move! Where am I gonna go? Ipswich? Earth-death in five minutes.
The metal machine confirms the spider devices have infiltrated the whole of Platform One.
How's that possible? Our private rooms are protected by a code-wall.
Moisturise me, moisturise me.
Summon the steward! I'm afraid the steward is dead.
Who killed him? This whole event was sponsored by the Face of Boe! He invited us.
Talk to the face! Talk to the face! Easy way of finding out.
Someone brought their little pet on board.
Let's send him back to master.
The Adherents of the Repeated Meme! That's all very well and really kinda obvious.
But if you stop and think about it A Repeated Meme is just an idea.
And that's all they are, an idea.
Remote-control droids.
Nice little cover for the real troublemaker.
Go on, Jimbo.
Go home.
I bet you were the school swot and never got kissed.
At arms! What you gonna do, moisturise me? With acid.
Oh, you're too late anyway.
My spiders have control of the main frame.
Oh, you all carried them as gifts, tax-free, past every code-wall.
I'm not just a pretty face.
Sabotaging a ship while you're still inside it, how stupid is that? I'd hoped to manufacture a hostage situation.
With myself as one of the victims.
The compensation would've been enormous.
Five billion years, and it still comes down to money.
Do you think it's cheap, looking like this? Flatness costs a fortune! I am the last human, Doctor.
Me, not that freaky little kid of yours.
Arrest her! The infidel! Oh, shut it, pixie! I've still got my final option.
Earth-death in three minutes.
And here it comes.
You're just as useful dead, all of you.
I have shares in your rival companies.
And they'll triple in price as soon as your dead.
My spiders are primed and ready to destroy the safety systems.
How did that old Earth song go? "Burn baby, burn.
" Then you'll burn with us! Oh, I'm so sorry! I know the use of teleportation is strictly forbidden, but I'm such a naughty thing.
Spiders, activate! Force-fields gone, with the planet about to explode At least it'll be quick.
Just like my fifth husband Oh, shame on me! Bye-bye, darlings.
- Safety systems failing.
- Bye-bye, my darlings! Heat levels rising.
- Reset the computer! - Only the steward would know how.
No, we can do it by hand.
There must be a system restore switch.
Jabe, come on! You lot, just chill.
Heat levels rising.
Earth-death in two minutes.
Earth-death in two minutes.
Heat levels critical.
Heat levels critical.
Oh, and guess where the switch is.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels rising.
External temperature You can't, the heat's gonna vent through this place.
- I know.
- Jabe, you're made of wood.
Then stop wasting time, Time Lord.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels hazardous.
- We're going to die! - Heat levels hazardous.
Shields malfunction.
Shields malfunction.
Shields malfunction.
Shields malfunction.
Heat levels critical.
Heat levels critical.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels rising.
Planet explodes in ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four Raise shields! One.
Exoglass repair.
Exoglass repair.
Exoglass repair.
Exoglass repair.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm full of ideas.
I'm bristling with 'em! Idea number one, teleportation through 5,000 degrees needs some kind of feed.
Idea number two.
This feed must be hidden nearby.
Idea number three.
If you're as clever as me, then a teleportation-feed can be reversed.
Oh, you should've seen their little alien faces - Oh.
- The last human.
So, you passed my little test.
Bravo! This makes you eligible to join the the Human Club.
People have died Cassandra, you murdered them.
It depends on your definition of people! And that's enough of a technicality to keep your lawyers dizzy for centuries! Take me to court then, Doctor, and watch me smile and cry - and ï¬utter.
- And creak? - And what? - Creak! You're creaking.
What? I'm drying out! Oh, sweet heavens! Moisturise me, moisturise me! Where are my surgeons? My lovely boys! - It's too hot! - You raised the temperature.
Have pity! Moisturise me! Oh, Doctor! Help her.
Everything has its time and everything dies.
I'm too young! Shuttles four and six departing.
This unit now closing dawn for maintenance.
The end of the Earth.
It's gone.
We were too busy saving ourselves.
No one saw it go.
All those years, all that history, and no one was even looking! It's just Come with me.
Big Issue! Big Issue! You think it'll last forever, people and cars and concrete.
But it won't.
One day, it's all gone.
Even the sky.
My planet's gone.
It's dead.
It burned, like the Earth.
It's just rocks and dust.
Before its time.
What happened? There was a war, and we lost.
A war with who? What about your people? I'm a Time Lord.
I'm the last of the Time Lords.
They're all gone.
I'm the only survivor.
I'm left travelling on my own 'cause there's no-one else.
There's me.
You've seen how dangerous it is.
Do you wanna go home? I don't know.
I want Oh.
Can you smell chips? - Yeah! Yeah.
- I want chips.
Me too! All right then, before you can get me in that box, chips it is and you can pay.
- No money.
- What sort of date are you? Come on then, tightwad.
Chips are on me.
We've only got five billion years till the shops close.
Now, you've seen the future, so let's have a look at the past.
- What happened in 1860? - I don't know! Let's find out.
I can't believe she's gone.
Not gone, Mr Redpath, sir.
Merely sleeping.
She's up and on her feet and out there somewhere! Mr Sneed, for shame, how many more times? It's ungodly! Excuse me, sir.
Mr Dickens, this is your call.
Use the sight.
Find the old lady or you're dismissed.
What phantasmagoria is this? That's more like it!
I'm the Doctor, by the way.
What's your name? - Rose.
- Nice to meet you, Rose.
Run for your life! It's gonna follow us! The assembled hoards of Genghis Khan couldn't get through that door, and believe me, they've tried.
- Are you alien? - Yes.
You could come with me.
- Is it always this dangerous? - Yeah.
Right, Rose Tyler, you tell me, where do you wanna go? Backwards or forwards in time? It's your choice.
What's it gonna be? Forwards.
- How far? - One hundred years.
There you go! Step outside those doors, it's the 22nd century.
- You're kidding.
- That's a bit boring, though.
Do you wanna go further? Fine by me.
Ten thousand years in the future.
Step outside, it's the year 12005.
The new Roman Empire.
You think you're so impressive.
- I am so impressive.
- You wish! Right, then.
You asked for it.
I know exactly where to go.
Hold on! Where are we? What's out there? You lot You spend all your time thinking about dying.
How you're gonna get killed by eggs or beef or global warming or asteroids.
But you never take time to imagine the impossible.
That maybe you survived.
This is the year 5.
5/Apple/26.
Five billion years in your future.
And this is the day Hold on This is the day the sun expands.
Welcome to the end of the world.
Shuttles five and six now docking.
Guests are reminded that Platform One forbids the use of weapons, teleportation and religion.
Earth-death is scheduled for 15:39, followed by drinks in the Manchester Suite.
So when it says "guests", does that mean people? Depends what you mean by people.
- I mean people.
What do you mean? - Aliens.
What are they doing on board this spaceship? What's it all for? It's not really a spaceship, more like an observation deck.
The great and the good are gathering to watch the planet burn.
- What for? - Fun! Mind you, when I say "the great and the good", what I mean is the rich.
But Hold on, they did this once on Newsround Extra, the sun expanding, - that takes hundreds of years.
- Millions.
But the planet's now the property of the National Trust.
They've been keeping it preserved.
See down there? Gravity satellites holding back the sun.
The planet looks the same as ever.
I thought the continent shifted and things.
They did, and the Trust shifted 'em back! That's a classic Earth.
But now the money's run out, nature takes over.
How long's it got? About half an hour.
Then the planet gets roasted.
Is that why we're here? I mean, is that what you do? Jump in at the last minute and save the Earth? I'm not saving it.
Time's up.
- But what about the people? - It's empty.
They've all gone.
All left.
- Just me, then.
- Who the hell are you? - Oh, that's nice.
Thanks.
- But how did you get in? This is a maximum hospitality zone.
The guests have disembarked! They're on their way any second No! That's me.
I'm a guest.
Look, I've got an invitation.
Look, there you see? It's fine.
You see? "The Doctor, plus one.
" I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler, she's my "plus one".
Is that all right? Well, obviously.
Apologies, et cetera.
If you're on board, we'd better start.
Enjoy.
The paper's slightly psychic.
It shows them whatever I want them to see.
Saves a lot of time.
- He's blue.
- Yeah.
Okay.
We have in attendance, the Doctor and Rose Tyler! Thank you.
All staff to their positions.
Hurry now! Thank you! Quick as we can, come along, come along! And now, might I introduce the next honoured guest representing the Forest of Cheem, we have trees.
Namely Jabe, Lute and Coffa.
There will be an exchange of gifts, representing peace.
If you could keep the room circulating, thank you.
Next, from the solicitors Jolco and Jolco, we have the Moxx of Balhoon.
And next, from Financial Family Seven, we have the Adherents of the Repeated Meme.
The inventors of hyposlip travel systems, the brothers Hop Pyleen! Thank you.
Cal "Sparkplug" Mr and Mrs Pakoo.
The ambassadors from the City State of Binding Light The gift of peace.
I bring you a cutting of my grandfather.
- Thank you.
- Yes, gifts, urn I give you in return air from my lungs.
How intimate.
There's more where that came from.
I bet there is.
The sponsor of the main event, please welcome the Face of Boe.
The Moxx of Balhoon.
My felicitations upon this historical happenstance.
I bring you the gift of bodily salivas.
Thank you very much.
Ah! The Adherents of the Repeated Meme! I bring you air from my lungs.
A gift of peace.
In all good faith.
And last but not least, our very special guest.
Ladies and gentlemen and trees and multiforms, consider the Earth, below.
In memory of this dying world, we call forth the last human.
The Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen.
Oh, now don't stare! I know, I know.
It's shocking, isn't it? I've had my chin completely taken away and look at the difference! Look how thin I am.
Thin and dainty! I don't look a day over 2,000.
Moisturise me, moisturise me! Truly, I am the last human.
My father was a Texan, my mother was from the Arctic desert.
They were born on the Earth and they were the last to be buried in its soil.
I have come to honour them and say goodbye.
Oh, no tears, no tears I'm sorry.
But behold! I bring gifts! From Earth itself, the last remaining ostrich egg.
Legend says, it had a wingspan of 50 feet! And blew fire from its nostrils.
Or was that my third husband? Oh, no, oh, don't laugh, I'll get laughter-lines.
No, stop! Mercy! And here! Another rarity.
According to the archives, this was called an iPod.
It stores classical music from humanity's greatest composers.
Play on! The refreshments will now be served.
Earth-death in 30 minutes.
Sometimes I feel I've got to run away I've got to get away from the pain That you drive into the heart of me The love we share seems to go nowhere And I've lost my light For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night - Doctor.
Thank you.
A gift of peace in all good faith.
No, you're very kind, but I'm just the steward.
A gift of peace in all good faith.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Of course.
Identify species.
Please identify species.
Now stop it! Identify his race.
Where's he from? It's impossible.
Sorry, am I allowed to be in here? You have to give us permission to talk.
Urn - You have permission.
- Thank you.
And, no, you're not in the way.
- Guests are allowed anywhere.
- Okay.
- What's your name? - Raffalo.
- Raffalo? - Yes, miss.
I won't be long, I've just got to carry out some maintenance.
There's a tiny little glitch in the Face of Boe's suite.
There must be something blocking the system.
He's not getting any hot water.
- So, you're a plumber? - That's right, miss.
They still have plumbers? I hope so, else I'm out of a job! - Where are you from? - Crespallion.
That's a planet, is it? No, Crespallion's part of the Jaggit Brocade, affiliated to the Scarlet Junction, Convex 56.
And where are you from, miss? If you don't mind me asking.
No, not at all.
Um I don't know.
A long way away.
I just sort of hitched a lift with this man I didn't even think about it.
Don't even know who he is.
He's a complete stranger.
Anyway, don't let me keep you.
Good luck with it! Thank you, miss.
And thank you for the permission.
Not many people are that considerate.
Okay.
See you later.
Now, then.
Control, I'm at junction 19.
I think the problem's coming from in here.
I'll go inside and have a look.
What's that? Something in there? Ooh.
Who are you, then? Hold on! If you're an upgrade, I just need to register you, that's all.
Oh, come back.
Ah, there you are.
Now, I just need to register your ident.
Aw, there's two of ya! Got yourself a little mate? I think I'd better report this to control.
How many of you are there? What are you? Oh, no! No! - What's that? - Well, how should I know? Would the owner of the blue box in private gallery 15 please report to the steward's office immediately.
Guests are reminded that the use of teleportation devices is strictly prohibited under Peace Treaty 5.
4/Cup/16.
Thank you.
Earth-death in 25 minutes.
Earth-death in 25 minutes.
Oh, thanks.
Hello! My name's Rose.
That's a sort of plant.
We might be related.
I'm talking to a twig.
Oi, now, careful with that, park it properly.
No scratches.
Rose, are you in there? Aye-aye! - What d'you think, then? - Great, yeah.
Fine.
Once you get past the slightly psychic paper.
They're just so alien! The aliens are so alien.
You look at 'em, and they're alien.
Good thing I didn't take you to the deep south.
- Where are you from? - All over the place.
- They all speak English.
- No, you just hear English.
It's a gift of the Tardis.
It's the telepathic field, gets inside your brain, translates.
- It's inside my brain? - Well, in a good way.
Your machine gets inside my head? It gets inside and it changes my mind and you didn't even ask.
I didn't think about it like that.
No, you were too busy thinking up cheap shots about the deep south! Who are you then, Doctor.
What're you called? What sort of alien are you? - I'm just a Doctor.
- From what planet? Well, it's not as if you'd know where it is.
- Where're you from? - What does it matter? - Tell me who you are! - This is who I am.
Right here, right now.
All right? All that counts is here and now, and this is me! Yeah, and I'm here too 'cause you brought me here! So just tell me! Earth-death in 20 minutes.
Earth-death in 20 minutes.
All right.
As my mate Shireen says, "Don't argue with the designated driver.
" Can't exactly call for a taxi.
There's no signal.
We're out of range.
Just a bit.
Tell you what, with a little bit of jiggery-pokery Is that a technical term, "jiggery-pokery"? Yeah, I came first in jiggery-pokery.
What about you? - No, I failed hullabaloo.
- Aw.
There you go.
- Hello? - Mum? Oh, what is it? What's wrong? What have I done now? Ooh, this red top's falling to bits! You should get your money back.
Go on, there must be something.
You never phone in the middle of the day.
- What's so funny? Nothing.
You all right, though? Yeah, why wouldn't I be? - What day is it? - Wednesday all day.
You got a hangover? Oh, I tell you what, put a quid in that lottery syndicate.
I'll pay you back later.
Yeah, um, I was just calling 'cause I might be late home.
Is there something wrong? No, I'm fine.
Top of the world! If you think that's amazing, you wanna see the bill.
That was five billion years ago.
So She's dead now.
Five billion years later, my mum's dead.
Bundle of laughs, you are.
That's not supposed to happen.
Well, what was it? I'm just getting green lights at this end.
Honoured guests may be reassured that gravity pockets may cause slight turbulence.
Thanking you.
The whole place shook! I felt it! I've hosted all sorts of events on platforms one, three, six and fifteen and I've never felt the slightest tremor! I warn you, if this lot decide to sue I'm gonna scan the infrastructure.
What's that? Control, I don't want to worry you, but I'm picking up readings I have no idea! They're small.
The scan says they're metal I don't know what they look like! Although I imagine they might look rather like that.
You're not on the guest list.
How did you get on board? - No! No! - Sunfilter deactivated.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter up! No, no, no! External temperature - Control! Respond! - Sunfilter descending.
- Sunfilter up! - Sunfilter descending.
That wasn't a gravity pocket.
I know gravity pockets, and they don't feel like that.
What do you think, Jabe? Listen to the engines, they're pitched up about 30 Hertz.
Is that dodgy or what? It's the sound of metal, that doesn't make any sense to me.
- Where's the engine room? - I don't know.
But the maintenance duct is just behind our guests' suite, I could show you.
And your wife.
Oh, she's not my wife.
- Partner? - No.
- Concubine? - Nope.
Prostitute? Whatever I am, it must be invisible! Do you mind? Tell you what, you two go and pollinate.
I'm gonna catch up with the Family.
Quick word with Michael Jackson.
Don't start a fight.
I'm all yours.
And I want you home by midnight! Earth-death in 15 minutes.
Earth-death in 75 minutes.
Who's in charge of Platform One? Has it got a captain or what? There's just the steward and the staff.
All the rest is controlled by the metal mind.
You mean, the computer? Well, who controls that? The Corporation.
They move Platform One from one artistic event to another.
Well, there's no one from the Corporation on board.
They're not needed.
This facility is purely automatic.
It's the height of the Alpha Class.
- Nothing can go wrong.
- Unsinkable? If you like.
The nautical metaphor is appropriate.
You're telling me! I was on board another ship once.
They said that was unsinkable.
I ended up clinging to an iceberg.
It wasn't half cold.
So, what you're saying is, if we get in trouble, there's no one to help us out? - I'm afraid not.
- Fantastic! I don't understand.
In what way is that fantastic? Soon the sun will blossom into a red giant, and my home will die.
That's where I used to live, when I was a little boy.
Down there.
Mummy and Daddy had a house built into the side of the Los Angeles Crevasse.
I'd have such fun.
What happened to everyone else? The human race, where did it go? They say mankind has touched every star in the sky.
So you're not the last human.
I am the last pure human.
The others mingled.
Oh, they call themselves New-humans and Proto-humans and Digi-humans, even Human-ish! But do you know what I call them? Mongrels.
Right.
And you stayed behind.
- I kept myself pure.
- Hmm.
How many operations have you had? I'm having my blood bleached.
Is that why you wanted a word? You could be flatter, Rose.
You've got a little bit of a chin poking out.
- I'd rather die.
- Honestly, it doesn't hurt.
I mean it.
I would rather die.
It's better to die than to live like you, a bitchy trampoline.
Oh, well, what do you know? I was born on that planet! And so was my mum and so was my dad.
And that makes me, officially, the last human being in this room.
'Cause you're not human.
You've had it all nipped and tucked and ï¬attened till there's nothing left.
Anything human got chucked in the bin! You're just skin, Cassandra! Lipstick and skin.
Nice talking.
So, tell me, Jabe, what's a tree like you doing in a place like this? - Respect for the Earth.
- Come on! Everyone on this platform is worth zillions! Well, perhaps it's a case of having to be seen at the right occasions.
In case your share prices drop? I know you lot.
You've got massive forests everywhere, roots everywhere! And there's always money in land.
All the same.
We respect the Earth as family.
So many species evolved from that planet.
Mankind is only one.
I am another.
My ancestors were transplanted from the planet down below.
And I'm a direct descendant of the tropical rainforest.
Excuse me.
And what about your ancestry, Doctor? Perhaps you could tell a story or two.
Perhaps a man only enjoys trouble when there's nothing else left? I scanned you earlier.
The metal machine had trouble identifying your species.
It refused to admit your existence.
And even when it named you, I wouldn't believe it.
But it was right.
I know where you're from! Forgive me for intruding, but it's remarkable that you even exist! I just want to say how sorry I am.
Is it me, or is it a bit nippy? Fair dos, though, that's a great bit of air-conditioning.
Sort of nice and old fashioned.
Bet they call it retro.
Gotcha! - What the hell is that? - Is it part of the "retro"? I don't think so, hold on.
- Hey, nice Liana! - Thank you.
Not supposed to show them in public.
Don't worry, I won't tell anybody.
Now, then, who's been bringing their pets on board? - What does it do? - Sabotage Earth-death in 10 minutes And the temperature's about to rocket.
Come on.
The planet's end! Come gather, come gather! Bid farewell to the cradle of civilisation.
Let us mourn her with a traditional ballad.
Baby, can't you see? I'm calling A guy like you should wear a warning It's dangerous I'm fallin' All right, hold on, get back! "AUTOMATED VOICE".
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
- Is the steward in there? - You can smell him.
Hold on.
There's another sunfilter programmed to descend.
Too high can't come down Losing my head Spinning round and round Do you feel me now? Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
- Let me out! Let me out! - Sunfilter descending.
Let me out! Let me out! Let me out! Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Anyone in there? - Let me out! - Oh, well, it would be you.
- Open the door! - Hold on, give us two ticks.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising Sunfilter descending.
It's just what I need.
The computer's getting clever.
- Stop mucking about! - I'm not mucking about! It's fighting back.
- Sunfillter descending.
- Open the door'.
! I know! - Sunfilter descending.
- The lock's melted! Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter descending.
Sunfilter rising.
Sunfilter rising.
The opening's jammed! I can't open the door.
Stay there, don't move! Where am I gonna go? Ipswich? Earth-death in five minutes.
The metal machine confirms the spider devices have infiltrated the whole of Platform One.
How's that possible? Our private rooms are protected by a code-wall.
Moisturise me, moisturise me.
Summon the steward! I'm afraid the steward is dead.
Who killed him? This whole event was sponsored by the Face of Boe! He invited us.
Talk to the face! Talk to the face! Easy way of finding out.
Someone brought their little pet on board.
Let's send him back to master.
The Adherents of the Repeated Meme! That's all very well and really kinda obvious.
But if you stop and think about it A Repeated Meme is just an idea.
And that's all they are, an idea.
Remote-control droids.
Nice little cover for the real troublemaker.
Go on, Jimbo.
Go home.
I bet you were the school swot and never got kissed.
At arms! What you gonna do, moisturise me? With acid.
Oh, you're too late anyway.
My spiders have control of the main frame.
Oh, you all carried them as gifts, tax-free, past every code-wall.
I'm not just a pretty face.
Sabotaging a ship while you're still inside it, how stupid is that? I'd hoped to manufacture a hostage situation.
With myself as one of the victims.
The compensation would've been enormous.
Five billion years, and it still comes down to money.
Do you think it's cheap, looking like this? Flatness costs a fortune! I am the last human, Doctor.
Me, not that freaky little kid of yours.
Arrest her! The infidel! Oh, shut it, pixie! I've still got my final option.
Earth-death in three minutes.
And here it comes.
You're just as useful dead, all of you.
I have shares in your rival companies.
And they'll triple in price as soon as your dead.
My spiders are primed and ready to destroy the safety systems.
How did that old Earth song go? "Burn baby, burn.
" Then you'll burn with us! Oh, I'm so sorry! I know the use of teleportation is strictly forbidden, but I'm such a naughty thing.
Spiders, activate! Force-fields gone, with the planet about to explode At least it'll be quick.
Just like my fifth husband Oh, shame on me! Bye-bye, darlings.
- Safety systems failing.
- Bye-bye, my darlings! Heat levels rising.
- Reset the computer! - Only the steward would know how.
No, we can do it by hand.
There must be a system restore switch.
Jabe, come on! You lot, just chill.
Heat levels rising.
Earth-death in two minutes.
Earth-death in two minutes.
Heat levels critical.
Heat levels critical.
Oh, and guess where the switch is.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels rising.
External temperature You can't, the heat's gonna vent through this place.
- I know.
- Jabe, you're made of wood.
Then stop wasting time, Time Lord.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels hazardous.
- We're going to die! - Heat levels hazardous.
Shields malfunction.
Shields malfunction.
Shields malfunction.
Shields malfunction.
Heat levels critical.
Heat levels critical.
Heat levels rising.
Heat levels rising.
Planet explodes in ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four Raise shields! One.
Exoglass repair.
Exoglass repair.
Exoglass repair.
Exoglass repair.
- You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm full of ideas.
I'm bristling with 'em! Idea number one, teleportation through 5,000 degrees needs some kind of feed.
Idea number two.
This feed must be hidden nearby.
Idea number three.
If you're as clever as me, then a teleportation-feed can be reversed.
Oh, you should've seen their little alien faces - Oh.
- The last human.
So, you passed my little test.
Bravo! This makes you eligible to join the the Human Club.
People have died Cassandra, you murdered them.
It depends on your definition of people! And that's enough of a technicality to keep your lawyers dizzy for centuries! Take me to court then, Doctor, and watch me smile and cry - and ï¬utter.
- And creak? - And what? - Creak! You're creaking.
What? I'm drying out! Oh, sweet heavens! Moisturise me, moisturise me! Where are my surgeons? My lovely boys! - It's too hot! - You raised the temperature.
Have pity! Moisturise me! Oh, Doctor! Help her.
Everything has its time and everything dies.
I'm too young! Shuttles four and six departing.
This unit now closing dawn for maintenance.
The end of the Earth.
It's gone.
We were too busy saving ourselves.
No one saw it go.
All those years, all that history, and no one was even looking! It's just Come with me.
Big Issue! Big Issue! You think it'll last forever, people and cars and concrete.
But it won't.
One day, it's all gone.
Even the sky.
My planet's gone.
It's dead.
It burned, like the Earth.
It's just rocks and dust.
Before its time.
What happened? There was a war, and we lost.
A war with who? What about your people? I'm a Time Lord.
I'm the last of the Time Lords.
They're all gone.
I'm the only survivor.
I'm left travelling on my own 'cause there's no-one else.
There's me.
You've seen how dangerous it is.
Do you wanna go home? I don't know.
I want Oh.
Can you smell chips? - Yeah! Yeah.
- I want chips.
Me too! All right then, before you can get me in that box, chips it is and you can pay.
- No money.
- What sort of date are you? Come on then, tightwad.
Chips are on me.
We've only got five billion years till the shops close.
Now, you've seen the future, so let's have a look at the past.
- What happened in 1860? - I don't know! Let's find out.
I can't believe she's gone.
Not gone, Mr Redpath, sir.
Merely sleeping.
She's up and on her feet and out there somewhere! Mr Sneed, for shame, how many more times? It's ungodly! Excuse me, sir.
Mr Dickens, this is your call.
Use the sight.
Find the old lady or you're dismissed.
What phantasmagoria is this? That's more like it!