Doctor Who s03e14 Episode Script

Children in need 2007 Time Crash

- Oh, excuse me.
- So sorry.
What? What? What? Subbed by Corax Who're you? Oh, brilliant! I mean, don't get me wrong.
Big emergency, universe goes bang in five minutes, but brilliant.
I'm the Doctor.
Who are you? Yes, you are.
You are the Doctor.
- Yes, i am.
I'm the Doctor.
- Oh, good for you, Doctor.
Good for brilliant old you.
Is there something wrong with you? Oh! There it goes! The frowny face! I remember that one.
Mind you, Bit saggier than it ought to be.
Hair's a bit greyer.
That's 'cause of me, though.
Two of us together has shorted out the time differential.
It should all snap back in place when we get you home.
Be able to close that coat again.
But nevermind that! Look at you! The hat, the coat, the cricket-y cricket stuff the stick of celery.
Yeah.
Brave choice, celery.
But fair play to you, not a lot of men can pull off a decorative vegetable.
Shut up! There is something very wrong with my TARDIS and I've got to do something about it verry, verry quickly.
And it would help, it really would help, if there wasn't some skinny idiot ranting in my face about every single thing that happens to be in front of him.
Oh, okay.
Sorry Doctor.
Thank you.
- Oh, the back of our head! - What? Sorry, sorry.
It's not something you see every day, is it.
The back of your own head.
Mind you, I can see why you wear a hat.
I don't want to seem vain, but could you keep that on? What have you done to my TARDIS? You've changed the desktop theme, haven't you? What's this one? Coral? It's worse than the leopard skin.
Oh, now they come.
The brainy specs! You don't even need them, you just think they make you look a bit clever.
That's an alert.
Level 5! Indicating a temporal collision! It's like two TARDISes have merged, but there's definitely only one TARDIS present.
It looks like two time zones at war in the heart of the TARDIS.
That's a paradox.
Could blow a hole in the space-time continuum the size of Well, actually, the exact size of Belgium.
That's a bit undramatic, isn't it.
Belgium? - Need this? - Nah, I'm fine.
Oh, no, of course, you mostly went hand-free didn't you? Like, "Hey, I'm the Doctor.
I can save the universe using a kettle and some string.
And look at me.
I'm wearing a vegetable.
" - Who are you? - Take a look.
- Oh.
Oh, no.
- Oh, yes - You're - Here it comes.
Yeah, yeah, I am.
- A fan.
- Yeah.
- What? - Level 10 now.
This is bad.
Two minutes to Belgium.
What d'you mean, a fan? I'm not just a fan.
I'm you! Okay, you're my biggest fan.
Look, ist perfectly understandable.
I go zooming around space and time, saving planets, fighting monsters, an being, well, let's be honest, pretty sort of marvellous.
So naturally, now and then, people notice me.
Start up their litte groups.
That L.
I.
N.
D.
A.
lot.
Are you one of them? How did you get in here? Can't have you lot knowing where I live.
Listen to me.
I'm you, I'm you with a new face! Check out this bone structure, Doctor, cos one day, you're gonna be shaving it.
The cloister bell.
Yeah, right on time.
That's my cue.
In less than a minute, we're gonna detonate a black hole strong enough to swallow the entire universe! Yeah.
That's my fault, actually.
I was rebuilding the TARDIS, forgot to put the shields back up.
Your TARDIS and my TARDIS, well.
The same TARDIS, different points in it's own time stream, collided and there you go.
End of the universe, butterfingers.
But don't worry.
I know exactly how this all works out.
Watch.
Venting the thermo-buffer.
Flooring the helmic regulator.
And just to finish off, let's fry those Zyton crystals.
- You'll blow up the TARDIS.
- Only way I have.
- Who told you that? - You told me that.
Supernova and blackhole at the exact same instant.
Explosion cancels out implosion.
Matter remains constant.
Brilliant.
Far too brilliant.
I've never met anyone else who cold fly the TARDIS like that.
Sorry, mate.
You still haven't.
You didn't have time to work all that out.
Even I couldn't do it.
I didn't work it out.
I didn't have to.
You remembered.
Because you will remember.
You rememberered being me watching you doing that.
You only knew what to do because I saw do it.
Wibby-wobbly - timey-wimey.
- timey-wimey.
Back to long ago.
Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan? Cybermen and Mara and Time Lord in funny hats and the Master? Oh, he just showed up again, same as ever.
Oh, no.
Really? Does he still have that rubbisch beard? No, no beard this time.
Well, a wife.
Oh oh! I seem to be off.
What can I say? - Thank you, Doctor.
- Thank you.
I'm verry welcome.
You know I love being you.
Back when I first started at the verry beginning, I was always trying to be old and grumpy and important, like you do when you're young.
And then I was you It was all dashing about and playing cricket and my voice going all suerky when I shouted.
I still do that, the voice thing.
I got that from you.
Oh, and the trainers.
And snap.
Cos you know what, Doctor? You were my Doctor.
To days to come.
All my love to long ago.
Oh, Doctor, remember to put your shields up.
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