Doctor Who s04e01 Episode Script

Partners in Crime

Good morning, Adipose Industries.
Donna Noble, Health and Safety.
John Smith, Health and Safety.
Adipose Industries, the 27st century way to lose weight.
No exercise, no diet, no pain, just lifelong freedom from fat', the holy grail of the modern age.
And here it is.
You just take one capsule, one capsule, once a day for three weeks, and the fat, as they say The fat just walks away.
Excuse me, Miss Foster, if I could? I'm Penny Carter, science correspondent for the Observer.
There are a thousand diet pills on the market, a thousand conmen stealing people's money.
How do we know the fat isn't going straight into your bank account? Oh, Penny, if cynicism burnt off calorie; we'd all be as thin as rakes.
But if you want the science, I can oblige.
Adipose Industries.
The Adipose capsule is composed of a synthesised, mobilising lipase, bound to a large protein molecule.
The mobilising lipase breaks up the triglycerides stored in the adipose cells, which then enter Health and Safety.
Film Department.
But can I just ask, how many people have taken the pills to date? We've already got 1,000,000 customers within the Greater London area alone, but from next week, we start fading out nationwide.
The future starts here.
And Britain will be thin.
Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.
Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries.
Good morning, I represent Adipose Industries That's a three-week course of pills for the special price of £45.
Donna Noble from Health and Safety.
Don't mind me.
We deliver within three working days John Smith, Health and Safety.
Don't mind me.
The box comes with 21 days' worth of pills, a full information pack and our special free gift, an Adipose Industries pendant.
It's made of 18 carat gold and it's yours for free.
No, we don't give away pens.
I can't make an exception.
I'll just need to keep this for testing, and I just need a list of your customers.
- Could you print it off? - I suppose so.
- Where's the printer? - Just over there, by the plant.
Which plant? That plant? - Yeah, that's the one.
- Lovely.
That's the printer there? - By the plant, yeah.
- Brilliant.
Does it need a code? Last place I worked, the printer needed a code.
No, I can do it from here.
- Has it got paper? - Yeah, Jimbo keeps it stocked.
Excuse me, everyone, if I could have your attention On average, you're each selling That's not enough.
I want 100 sales per person per day.
And if not, you'll be replaced.
'Cause if anyone's good at trimming the fat, it's me.
Now, back to it.
Anyway, if you could print that off, thanks.
So, if you could just print off that list, I'll get out of your way.
Thanks, then.
See you.
Thanks, then.
What's that? - My telephone number.
- What for? Health and Safety.
You be Health, I'll be Safety.
Oh, ah But that contravenes paragraph 5, subsection C.
Me again.
- Stacy Campbell? - Who wants to know? Uh, my name's Donna.
I represent Adipose Industries.
And you're on the list of our valued customers.
Mr Roger Davey, I'm calling on behalf of Adipose Industries.
Just need to ask you a few questions.
It's been fantastic.
I started the pills on Thursday.
Five days later, I've lost 11 pounds.
And no side effects or anything? No, I feel fantastic.
It's a new lease of life.
Now, what do you think about these earrings? Do they work? Yeah, lovely.
I've been on the pills two weeks now.
I've lost 14 kilos.
- That's the same amount every day? - One kilo exactly.
You wake up, and it's disappeared overnight.
Well, technically speaking, it's gone by 1:10 in the morning.
- What makes you say that? - That's when I get woken up.
Might as well weigh myself at the same time.
You going on a date? I'm doing the opposite.
I'm dumping him.
I can do better than him now.
Right, I won't be long.
If the taxi beeps, give me a shout.
It is driving me mad.
Ten minutes past 1:00, every night, bang on the dot, without fail, the burglar alarm goes off.
I've had experts in, I've had it replaced, I've even phoned Watchdog.
But no, 1:10 in the morning, off it goes.
- But with no burglar? - Nothing.
I've given up looking.
Tell me, Roger, have you got a cat flap? It was here when I bought the house.
I never bothered with it really.
I'm not a cat person.
No, I've met cat people.
You're nothing like them.
Is that what it is, though, cats getting inside the house? Well, thing about cat flaps is they don't just let things in, they let things out as well.
Like what? "The fat just walks away.
" - Won't be long.
- Oh, that's all right.
We have unscheduled parthenogenesis.
Well, thanks for your help.
Tell you what, maybe you could lay off the pills for a week or so.
Gotta go! Sorry! Send out the collection squad.
Bring them home.
Oh! You all right out there? Yeah.
The adipose has been witnessed.
Activating full parthenogenesis.
What? What are you? What are you? I like what you done with the hall.
Stacy? You all right? Wouldn't mind a little visit myself.
Everything all right in there? It's only me.
Do you mind if I pop to the loo? Stacy? Oh, help me! Oh, my God, help me! What is it? What's wrong? Stacy! - Stacy Campbell? - No, she's gone.
Gone where? She's just gone.
Oh, great.
Thanks for nothing.
So, it seems we have a case of industrial espionage.
One touch and the capsule bio-tunes itself to its owner, but someone must have introduced a second, raw capsule.
Therefore, one of these people is a thief.
Oh, yes, there she is.
Now What should we do with her? And what time's this? How old am I? Not old enough to use a phone.
I thought you were only moving back for a couple of weeks.
Look at you.
I mean, you're never gonna find a flat, not while you're on the dole.
It's no good sitting there dressed-up, looking like you're job-hunting.
You've got to do something.
It's not like the 1980s, no one's unemployed these days, except you.
How long did that job with Health and Safety last? Two days, and then you walk out.
"I have other plans.
" Well, I've not seen them.
And it's no good sitting there dreaming.
No one's gonna come along with a magic wand and make your life all better.
- Where's Granddad? - Where do you think he is? Up the hill.
He's always up the hill.
Aye, aye, here comes trouble.
Permission to board ship, sir.
Permission granted.
- Was she nagging you? - Big time.
- I brought you a Thermos.
- Oh, ta.
- You seen anything? - Yeah, I've got Venus.
Yeah, with an apparent magnitude of minus 3.
5 at least.
That's what it says in my little book.
Here, have a seat.
Come on.
Here you go.
You all right? That's the only planet in the solar system named after a woman.
Good for her.
How far away is that? Oh, it's about 26,000,000 miles.
But we'll get there one day.
striding out amongst the stars, jiggling about with all them aliens, just you wait.
You really believe in all that stuff, don't you? Oh, they're all over the place these days.
If I wait here long enough I don't suppose you've seen a little blue box.
Is that slang for something? No, I mean it.
If you ever see a little blue box flying up there in the sky, you shout for me, Gramps.
Oh, you just shout.
Do you know, I don't understand half the things you say these days.
- Nor me.
- No, fair dues.
You've had a funny old time of it lately.
There was poor old whatshisname, Lance, bless him.
That barmy old Christmas.
I wish you'd tell us what really happened.
I kn ow.
It's just The things I've seen, sometimes I think I'm going mad.
I mean, even tonight, I was in a Doesn't matter.
Well, you're not yourself, I'll give you that.
You just You seem to be drifting, sweetheart.
I'm not drifting.
- I'm waiting.
- What for? The right man.
Same old story! A man! Oh, I don't mean like that.
But he's real.
I've seen him.
I've met him, just once.
And then I let him fly away.
- Well, there you are.
Go and find him.
- I've tried.
He's nowhere.
Hey, not like you to give up.
You know, I remember when you was about six years old, your mother said, "No holiday this year.
" So off you toddled all on your own and you got on a bus to Strathclyde.
Hah! We had the police out and everything.
Hah! Where's she gone, then? Where's that girl, eh? You're right.
'Cause he's still out there, somewhere.
And I'll find him, Gramps, even if I have to wait 100 years.
I'll find him.
Oh, fascinating.
Seems to be a bio-flip digital stitch specifically for It's my turn for the car.
What do you need it for? A quick getaway.
Keep an eye out.
She'll come back.
And then she's mine.
- See you tomorrow.
- Night.
Not now.
I need the car.
Where are you? I can't.
I'm busy.
Why are you whispering? I'm in church.
What are you doing in church? - Praying.
- Ha! Bit late for that, madam.
What's she in church for? Hush, you.
Go up the hill.
But I need the car.
I'm going out with Suzette.
She 3 asked all the Wednesday girls.
Apparently, she's been on those Adipose pills.
She says she looks marvellous.
We know you're in here, so why don't you make this nice and easy and show yourself? I'm waiting.
I warn you, I'm not a patient woman.
Now, out you come.
We'll do it the hard way.
Get her.
There you are.
I've been through the records, Foster, and all of your results have been faked.
There's something about those pills you're not telling us.
Oh, I think I'll be conducting this interview, Penny.
You've got no right to do this.
Let me go.
This is ridiculous.
Sit there.
- I'm phoning my editor.
- I said, sit.
You can't tie me up.
What sort of a country do you think this is? Oh, it's a beautifully fat country.
And believe me, I've travelled a long way to find obesity on this scale.
So, come on then, Miss Foster, those pills, what are they? Well, you might as well have a scoop, since you'll never see it printed.
This is the spark of life.
And what's that supposed to mean? Officially, the capsule attracts all the fat cells and flushes them away.
Well, it certainly attracts them, that part's true.
But it binds the fat together and galvanises it to form a body.
What do you mean, a body? I am surprised you never asked about my name.
I chose it well.
As in "foster mother".
And these are my children.
Are you kidding me? I don't What the hell is that? Adipose.
It's called an adipose, made out of living fat.
- I don't understand.
- From ordinary human people.
Are we interrupting you? Get her! And him! What about me? Oh, my God! I don't believe it! You've even got the same suit! - Don't you ever change? - Yeah, thanks, Donna, not right now.
Just like old times.
'Cause I thought, "How do you find the Doctor?" And then I just thought, "Look for trouble, and then he'll turn up.
" So I looked everywhere, you name it.
UFO sightings, crop circles, sea monsters.
I looked, I found them all.
That song about the bees disappearing, I thought, "I bet he's connected.
" 'Cause the thing is, Doctor, I believe it all now.
You opened my eyes to all those amazing things out there.
I believe them all.
Well, apart from that replica of the Titanic flying over Buckingham Palace on Christmas Day.
That's got to be a hoax! What do you mean, the bees are disappearing? I don't know.
That's what it says on the Internet.
On the same site, there was all these conspiracy theories about Adipose Industries, and I thought, "Let's take a look.
" - In you get! - What, in that thing? Yes, "in that thing".
But if we go down in that, they’ll just call us back up again.
No, no, I locked the controls with a sonic cage.
I'm the only one that can control it.
Not unless she's got a sonic device of her own, which is very unlikely.
Out of my way.
Oh, I don't think so.
Hold on! Hold on, we can go in through the window.
Deadlock the building.
I can't get it open! Smash it, then! She's cutting the cable! Donna! Doctor! Hold on! I am! Doctor! And now for the other one.
I'm gonna fall! What the hell is going on? This is all your fault.
I should have stayed at home.
I won't be a minute.
Yes, he's slippery, that one.
Time we found out who he is.
Is anyone going to tell me what's going on? - What are you, a journalist? - Yes.
Well, make it up! Get off! I've got you, I've got you.
Donna, stop kicking! I was right.
It's always like this with you, isn't it? Oh, yes.
And off we go! Oi! Sorry.
Now do yourself a favour.
Get out! Well, then.
At last.
- Nice to meet you.
I'm the Doctor.
- And I'm Donna.
Partners in crime.
And evidently off-worlders, judging by your sonic technology.
Oh, yes.
I've still got your sonic pen.
I like it.
- It's kind of sleek.
- Oh, it's definitely sleek.
And if you were to sign your real name, that would be? Matron Cofelia of the Five-Straighten Classabindi Nursery Fleet.
Intergalactic class.
A wet nurse.
Using humans as surrogates.
I've been employed by the Adiposian First Family to foster a new generation after their breeding planet was lost.
What do you mean, lost? How do you lose a planet? Oh, the politics are none of my concern.
I'm just here to take care of the children on behalf of the parents.
What, like an outer space super-nanny? Yes, if you like.
So So those little things, they're made out of fat, yeah? But that woman, Stacy Campbell, there was nothing left of her.
Oh, in a crisis, the adipose can convert bone and hair and internal organs.
It makes them a little bit sick, poor things.
What about poor Stacy? Seeding a level five planet is against galactic law.
Are you threatening me? I'm trying to help you, Matron.
This is your one chance.
'Cause if you don't call this off, then I'll have to stop you.
I hardly think you can stop bullets.
No, hold on, hold on, hold on! One more thing, before dying.
Do you know what happens if you hold two identical sonic devices against each other? No.
Nor me.
Let's find out.
Come on! I'm advancing the birth plan.
We're going into premature labour.
Cellular basification.
Tie her up.
Oh, you're kidding me.
Well, that's one solution, hiding in a cupboard.
I like it.
Been hacking into this thing all day 'cause the Matron's got a computer core running through the centre of the building.
But now I've got this, I can get into it.
What does that thing do? It's the inducer.
We had planned to seed millions, but if that man's an alien, then he's alerted the Shadow Proclamation.
So the first 1,000,000 humans will have to do.
Find him.
And the woman.
Don't waste time, just kill them.
She's wired up the whole building.
We need a bit of privacy.
Just enough to stop them.
Why has she wired up a tower block? What's it all for? Inducer online.
You look older.
- Still on your own? - Yeah.
Well, no.
I had this friend.
Martha she was called.
Martha Jones.
She was brilliant.
And I destroyed half her life.
But she's fine, she's good.
She's gone.
What about Rose? Still lost.
I thought you were going to travel the world.
Easier said than done.
It's like I had that one day with you, and I was going to change.
I was going to do so much.
Then I woke up the next morning Same old life.
It's like you were never there.
And I tried I did try.
I went to Egypt.
I was going to go barefoot and everything.
And then it's all bus trips and guidebooks and "Don't drink the water" and two weeks later you're back home.
It's nothing like being with you.
I must have been mad turning down that offer.
What offer? To come with you.
Come with me? Oh.
yes, please! Right.
Inducer activated.
- What's it doing now? - She's started the programme.
Inducer transmitting.
Mark the date, Miss Carter.
Happy birthday.
I swear, that Adipose treatment is fabulous.
Just look at my chin.
And it's very good for back fat.
I'm down two sizes.
It's like a miracle.
All that from just one little pill.
And I've been eating like normal - You all right, love? - Yeah, I'm Just Funny sort of feeling, like something I'm not sure, it just seems to be Better pop to the loo.
- Oh, my God! Suzette - What? What is it? Get it off me! Come to me, children.
Come to me.
Get back.
Everyone get back.
Don't touch them.
- Keep away - Just leave them.
So far they're just losing weight, but the Matron's gone up to emergency parthenogenesis.
- And that's when they convert - Skeletons, organs, everything.
I've got to cancel the signal.
This contains the primary signal.
If I can switch it off, the fat goes back to being just fat.
Oh, nice try.
Double strength.
Inducer increasing.
No, no, no! She's doubled it! I need I haven't got time.
It's too far.
I can't override it.
They're all going to die.
- Is there anything I can do? - Sorry, Donna, this is way beyond you.
I've got to double the base pulse.
I can't Doctor, tell me, what do you need? I need a second capsule to boost the override, but I've only got the one.
I can't save them.
It's stopped.
They've gone.
What's happened? I think the Doctor happened.
We've still given birth to 10,000 adipose.
And the Nursery's coming.
What the hell is that? It's my lift home.
You can't just leave me here.
It just stopped.
What on Earth is it now? Wait a minute.
When you say "nursery", you don't mean a créche in Notting Hill.
Nursery ship.
Incoming signal.
- Hadn't we better go and stop them? - Hold on, hold on.
Instructions from the Adiposian First Family.
Oh, my children behold.
I am taking you home.
Far across the galaxy, your new mummies and daddies are waiting, and you will fly Up you go, babies.
UP You go.
That's it.
Fly away home.
She's wired up the tower block to convert it into a levitation post Ooh! Oh! We're not the ones in trouble now.
She is! Take me.
The children need me.
What are you gonna do, then? Blow 'em up? They’re just children.
They can't help where they came from.
Oh, well, that makes a change from last time.
That Martha must have done you good.
Yeah, she did.
She did.
She fancied me.
Mad Martha, that one.
Blind Martha.
Charity Martha.
I'm waving at fat.
Actually, as a diet plan, it sort of works.
There she is! Matron Cofelia, listen to me! No, I don't think so, Doctor.
And if I never see you again, it'll be too soon.
Why does no one ever listen? I'm trying to help! Just get across to the roof.
- Can you shift the Levitation beam? - What, so that you can arrest me? Just listen.
I saw the Adiposian instructions.
They know it's a crime, breeding on Earth, so what's the one thing they want to get rid of? Their accomplice.
I'm far more than that.
I'm nanny to all these children.
Mum and Dad have got the kids now.
They don't need the nanny any more.
Oi! You two! You're just mad! Do you hear me? Mad! And I'm going to report you for Madness! Some people just can't take it.
And some people can.
So then, Tardis.
Come on! That's my car! That is like destiny.
And I've been ready for this.
I packed ages ago, just in case.
'Cause I thought, "Hot weather.
" "Cold weather.
" "No weather.
" "He goes anywhere.
I've got to be prepared.
" You've got a A hatbox.
Planet of the hats, I'm ready! I don't need injections, do I? You know like when you go to Cambodia, is there any of that? 'Cause my friend Veena went to Bahrain and she You're not saying much.
No, it's just It's a funny old life, in the Tardis.
You don't want me.
I'm not saying that.
But you asked me.
Would you rather be on your own? No.
Actually, no.
But The last time, with Martha, like I said, it It got complicated.
And that was all my fault.
I I just want a mate.
You just want to mate! I just want "a" mate.
You're not mating with me, sunshine! "A" mate.
I want "a" mate.
Well, just as well, because I'm not having any of that nonsense.
I mean, you're just a long streak of nothing.
- You know, alien nothing.
- There we are, then.
- I can come? - Yeah.
Of course you can, yeah.
I'd love it.
That's just - Car keys.
- What? I've still got my mum's car keys.
I won't be a minute.
I know, Mum, I saw it.
Little fat people.
Listen, I've got to go.
I'm going to stay with Veena for a bit.
- But it was in the sky.
- - Yeah, know.
But I've still got the car keys.
Look, there's a bin on Brook Street about 30 feet from the corner.
- I'm going to leave them in there.
- What? A bin? - Yes, I said "bin".
- But you can't do that! Now, stop complaining.
The car’s just down the road a bit.
Gotta go.
Really got to go.
- Bye.
- But, Donna, you can't Listen, there's this woman who's going to come along, a tall, blonde woman called Sylvia.
Tell her, "That bin there.
" All right? It will make sense.
"That bin there.
" - Off we go, then.
- Here it is, the Tardis.
It's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside Oh, I know all that bit.
Although, frankly, you could turn the heating up.
So Whole wide universe.
Where do you want to go? Oh, I know exactly the place.
Which is? Two and a half miles that way.
Ah! Donna, it's It's the flying blue box! That's Donna! That's Donna.
And that's him.
That's him! Yay! That's him! Go on, girl! Go on, get out there! Hey! Ancient Rome! This is fantastic.
It has come.
The blue box.
I see the most terrible things.
The prophecies of women are limited and dull.
Only the men folk have the capacity for true perception.
I'll tell you where the Wind's blowing right now, mate.
Doctor, you bring bad luck on this house.
I'm building the future, as dictated by the gods.
I demand you tell me who you are! Doctor! The sky is falling! We're in Pompeii.
And it's volcano day!