Doctor Who s08e06 Episode Script
The Caretaker
There's no way out of this.
We're going to die here.
Pass me the vibro-cutters.
They're in my pocket.
Come on then, pass them to me.
In my other jacket.
At home.
Why have you got have two jackets - is one of them faulty? Look, I don't have the vibro-cutters.
If I had the vibro-cutters, I wouldn't be able to pass you the vibro-cutters.
We're going to starve to death out here.
Of course we won't starve.
The sand piranhas will get us long before that.
Hiya.
Sorry I'm late.
You're not, but you are brown, you're very brown.
~ You weren't that brown this morning.
~ Sunbed.
I'll get 'em in.
Usual? Fish people.
What are they like? Fish.
And people.
Come and see.
~ How's you? ~ Evening.
Nice frock.
~ It's a bit wet.
~ Freak shower.
Is that seaweed? I said freak.
~ How much further? ~ TARDIS has got to be round this corner.
~ I hate soldiers.
Don't you hate soldiers? ~ Yeah.
Just keep running! ~ Oh, yeah.
Danny.
Hiya.
~ Morning.
Ready to run? I can't keep doing this.
I can't do it.
Yes, I can, I can do it, of course I can do it.
I've got it all under control.
So, where we off to? Clara, you You look lovely today.
Have you had a wash? ~ Why are you being nice? ~ Because it works on you.
Listen, I'm sorry but there's going to be no trip today.
I'm sorry.
Er, I've got to do a thing.
It might take a while.
~ What thing? ~ Just a thing.
You're being mysterious, and do you know what means? I'm a man of mystery.
Hmm.
It means that you are a very clever man making the mistake, common to very clever people, of assuming that everybody else is stupid.
Where are you going? Undercover.
Deep cover.
~ Can you do deep cover? ~ What do you mean? ~ Have you seen you? Of course I can do deep cover! Where? The Magic Circle? I'll see you when I see you.
When's that? When I see you.
Hmm Hmm I'll be sure to have a wash.
Excellent.
I was meaning to bring it up.
You lot! Not hereover there.
Morning, Mr Pink.
Morning, Courtney.
And good morning, Miss Oswald.
Morning, Mr Pink.
~ Do they know? ~ Possibly - they're children.
It's like they've got minds of their own.
Are you OK? Yeah, course I'm OK.
Why wouldn't I be OK? ~ I dunno.
Every time I see you, it's like you're ~ What? In a rush.
In a state.
In a space helmet, one time.
Sorry, er, I've had athing and, er, the thing's gone so I'm all yours.
~ What thing? What's gone? ~ Nothing.
It's like you're trying to be mysterious.
I'm not stupid, you know.
The next few days are all about you.
I promise.
Which means, Jo, you'll have to cover for 8/4M in L3.
Hold on, there is just one more thing.
Atif's off sick, so we've got a newbie, I did ask him to come along.
Ah, here he is.
I'm the new caretaker.
John Smith.
Welcome to Coal Hill, Mr Smith.
Thanks.
Yes, John Smith's the name.
But, you know, here's a thing, most people just call me the Doctor.
So, if anybody needs me, just, you know, give me a shout.
I'll be in the storeroom just getting the lie of the land.
Yes, no-one's taking any notice at all.
Absolutely good news because it means I must be coming across just as an absolutely boring human being like you.
Deep cover.
Deep cover.
~ Do you know him? ~ Know who? ~ The caretaker, Smith.
"The Doctor.
" ~ Never seen him before in my life.
Bit intense looking.
Did you see those eyebrows? Did he wink at you? No, I think that was just a sort of general wink.
He winked at everybody.
It was a general welcoming wink.
Ah, I have, erm, left some marking.
Assembly.
Chop-chop.
Off you pop.
Catch you in a bit.
Excuse me.
~ So, you recognised me, then.
~ You're wearing a different coat.
~ But you saw straight through that.
~ Deep cover in my school? Why? Where's Atif, what have you done with him? He's fine, hypnotised, he thinks he's got the 'flu.
Also a flying car and three wives.
It's going to be a rude awakening.
Is it aliens? Oh, my God, is that why you're here? Are there aliens? ~ It's assembly, you better get going.
Go and worship something.
~ Are there aliens in this school? Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on.
~ I'm a caretaker now.
Look, I've got a brush.
~ Doctor, is there an alien in this school? Yes.
Me.
Now, go.
The walls need sponging and there's a sinister puddle.
You can't do this.
You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.
I lived among otters once for a month.
Well, I sulked.
River and I, we had this big fight ~ Human beings are not otters! ~ Exactly, it'll be even easier.
One question.
And you will answer this question.
Are the kids safe? No.
Nobody is safe.
But soon the answer will be yes, everybody is safe, if you let me get on.
Now pretend you don't know me, stay out of my way.
The less you know, the better.
I'll explain it all later.
~ Go and sing with the otters.
~ I hate you.
That's fine, that's a perfectly normal reaction.
Basically, you've to get that guy on the block and stop that other one shooting him.
It's so sick.
I-I got that guy.
That was, like, six months ago.
~ You actually have to flick it that way.
~ Nah, but I'm saying You Coal Hill kids? ~ Yes, so what if we are? ~ Then get to Coal Hill.
We've got a free period, mate.
You want me to take your names? Come on.
This is unfair, mate.
Always come in threes.
Oi! I know you're in there.
Hello? I'm a police officer.
There's no point hiding.
Do you hear me? Come on, kiddo.
Five-stop-intruder.
Five-stop-intruder.
Turn your game off, it's time for school.
Come on! Stop messing about! Problem-solution-DESTROY.
.
.
though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth, and as it assured her that Darcy was ~ You all right, Miss Oswald? ~ Yes, Kelvin, I'm fine, you carry on.
Every feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened Can I help you, Mr Smith? ~ Wrong.
~ I'm sorry? On the board.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't do this.
You are the caretaker, this is not what you do.
~ Just taking care.
~ Not your area! Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice in 1796.
This is Mr Smith, the temporary caretaker, and he's a bit confused.
Not in 1797, because she didn't have the time.
She was so busy Oh, I suppose she was your bezzie mate, was she? And you went on holidays together and then you got kidnapped by Boggons from space and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly.
No, I read the book.
There's a bio at the back.
Get down.
~ Boggons? ~ Go! Right, that's it.
Well done, Kelvin.
Get going.
See you all in a couple of days.
Thanks very much.
Miss, what about our homework? Who asks for homework? Amateur.
~ Miss Oswald ~ Hello, Tobias, can't really stop.
I'm in the football team against Durrants on Thursday.
Sorry, but can I go early from English Thursday afternoon? Tobias, you can do whatever you want.
~ Clara, can I grab a quick word? ~ Actually, I, erm Two weeks Saturday, the fete, can I put you down for tombola and the raffle? James H can't cover it now.
His wife's going into hospital.
Hip replacement.
Constant agony.
Great.
No, awful.
That's terrible.
Awful.
I hope she'll be OK.
Erm, I'll do anything.
Anything.
OK.
Bye.
Miss Oswald, Katie Sharps says I pulled her hair in Biology.
Courtney, you are big enough to look after yourself.
Next class, jog on, I need to talk to Mr Pink.
~ Ozzie loves the Squaddie.
~ What was that? ~ Nothing.
Of course, Danny Pink here is your man, Mr Smith.
Five years' military experience, sergeant, here and Afghan, so electrics, boilers, if you need a hand, give him a shout.
I-I've helped Atif with a couple of things.
I'm sure I won't need you, Sergeant.
Fully qualified.
~ You best get back to your PE class.
~ Oh, I teach maths.
~ Do you? What, in emergencies? ~ No.
I'm a maths teacher.
Yeah, he's a maths teacher Mohammed, put that down! How does that work? What if the kids have questions? ~ About what? ~ Maths.
~ I answer them.
I'm a maths teacher.
But he said you were a soldier.
Yeah.
I was a soldier, now I'm a maths teacher.
But what about all the PE? I don't teach PE.
I'm not a PE teacher.
Sorry, that seems very unlikely.
Er, excuse me.
Mr Pink, I think class 9M4 are waiting.
Yes, you better run along, Sergeant.
That ball isn't going to kick itself, is it? I-I'm not a PE teacher, I'm a maths teacher.
Nope, sorry, no, I can't retain that.
I've tried, it's just not going in.
SoPink.
The name remind you of anything? Yeah.
The colour.
Colonel Orson Pink? The guy we met at the end of the universe.
Oh, yeah.
OK, same name, doesn't look anything like him though.
Looks very like him.
Does he? I don't know.
Who remembers a PE teacher? Never mind.
What are you doing? What? What's in there? Sois he here then? Is who here? The one you keep going on serious dates with.
If he is, are you going to start talking like a normal human being? ~ I promise I won't.
I'm being nice.
~ Doctor? ~ Clara.
Got this period free, yes? ~ No.
Yes.
~ Great.
Shakespeare.
~ Sorry, what, Adrian? OhI see.
~ You see what? ~ Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Excuse me.
We have to talk about The Tempest, in light of the changes to the sixth form Shakespeare module, blah-de-blah Yes.
Sorry, of course.
Yes, yes, no, of course, of course, yes.
Don't mind this old man.
You two kids just pop off together.
Why are you talking like an idiot? I'm a caretaker, don't mind me.
What we have to get across, I feel, is that fascinating enigma of itsnot-finishedness.
Mmm, yes, good point, Ade.
Oh, Clara.
What does that mean? Kids.
What's the matter with kids today? Hey, I said you could play chess, I did not say you could play football on the chessboard.
Jack, Morgan, come on, help me out, clear it up.
And one for luck.
OK.
Now we're in business.
Let's see the lie of the land.
Time to see what's going on.
Hello? Oi.
What are you doing? Are you in there? Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most dangerous of them all? There's been a spillage in Geography, I need some paper towels.
Can't you read? Course I can read.
Read what? The door.
It says, "Keep Out.
" No, it says, "Go Away Humans.
" Oh, so it does.
Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.
What was you doing in there? What's that box? A caretaker's box.
Every caretaker has their own box.
It says, "Police".
Exactly, there's a policeman in there, in case of emergencies and children.
~ Towels, there, g-g-go.
~ What was that green glow? There was a green glow coming from in there.
~ What was it? ~ Of course there was.
What's a policeman without a death ray? Oh, listen, there's the bell, off you go.
~ Haven't you got shoplifting to do? ~ I'm going to tell the Headmaster.
Oh, yes, well, fine.
Cut along, you're running out of time.
~ For what? ~ Everything.
Human beings have incredibly short life spans.
Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic.
~ Tick tock, tick tock.
~ You're weird.
Yes, I am.
What about you? I'm a disruptive influence.
~ Good to meet you.
~ And you(!) Now get lost.
OK.
Hello, miss, love to the Squaddie.
Sorry, what did you say? What was she doing in here? Paper towels.
Now, I imagine you've many questions.
Fire away, I won't answer any of them.
~ What were they like? ~ What were who like? ~ The others before me.
Did they let you get away with this kind of thing? ~ This school is in danger.
~ Well, it's lucky I'm here then.
~ From you.
~ Me? ~ You wouldn't be here if there wasn't an alien threat nearby.
Your strategy for dealing with it involves endangering this school.
~ You don't know that.
~ I don't know anything because you haven't told me anything, which means I wouldn't approve, which means you are endangering this school.
What's that? It's a scanner.
I'm scanning.
Why do I keep you around? Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.
Scanning for what? Any alien technology in this vicinity should show up.
I used to have a teacher exactly like you once.
You still do.
Pay attention.
What the hell is it?! A Skovox Blitzer, one of the deadliest killing machines ever created.
Probably homed in here because of artron emissions.
You've had enough of them in this area over the years.
There's enough explosive in its armoury to take out the whole planet.
Then leave it alone.
Sooner or later it will creep from its hidey-hole and some military idiot will try to attack it.
The world is full of PE teachers.
So, your insanely dangerous plan is? A new watch.
Tiny bit disappointed.
This is a very special watch.
Doctor? Oi! Did you just flick my nose? You're invisible.
Oh, my God, that's incredible! Correct.
I am invisible and I am incredible.
~ It's simply a matter of reversing light waves.
Hang on, I'm coming back.
~ All right, where are you? So, I give the Blitzer a tiny whiff of non-threatening alien tech, I lead it back here, but I don't want it to scan me, hence invisible.
So you're leading the thing here? To a school? My school? "MY school"? Oh, that is telling.
This is the only suitably empty place in the area.
I've set up a circle of time mines around the school.
Chronodyne generators.
Bit unstable.
I switch them on, the Blitzer gets sucked into a big old time vortex, billions of years into the future.
Dead easy.
Tiny bit boring.
~ I'll need a book and a sandwich.
~ And me.
You're not doing this alone.
I don't need you this time.
I'll see you tomorrow.
We'll go somewhere nice.
Ancient Egypt.
Crocodilopolis.
They worship a big crocodile there, so the name is a useful coincidence.
Go and canoodle with your boyfriend.
Come on.
I wasn't born yesterday, far from it.
You did recognise him.
Possibly reminded me of a certain dashing young time traveller.
Of course you recognised him.
Sorry.
Stupid.
I-I underestimated you.
~ Easily done, there's a lot to estimate.
~ And you, you like him? Yes, I like him.
Very, very much.
Go home and canoodle.
Doctor's orders.
Come on.
~ Just this once, I'm doing what I'm told.
~ Oh, sing hosanna.
So easy.
Miss Oswald.
~ Ah, Mr Mr Pink.
~ Still on for tonight? Cos you had your "I'm about to cancel" frown on.
There's a specific frown? And I was going to say, it's OK, I might have a thing, so A thing? ~ Tomorrow instead? ~ Tomorrow's parents' evening.
Not all evening.
No.
Not all evening.
What do you think of him? Er, who? The caretaker? Where did he come from? What was he before? He doesn't seem like a caretaker.
Well, he speaks very highly of you.
Anyway.
Good night, Miss Oswald.
Good nightMr Pink.
And we're off.
Home, sweet home.
Canoodling cancelled, if you need a hand Doctor? You invisible? I am so going to confiscate that watch.
Where are you, my sleeping beauty? Gotcha! Let's dance! Doctor? Where are you? Hello? Nine-stop-query-rescan.
Target-reacquired-success-success.
Come on, come on.
Gangway! Not far now.
Come on.
Nine-stop-parsing-data-pursue.
Bingo.
Target-reacquired.
Hello? What? Red? Red.
No.
No-no-no! Range-one-point-four-nine-scan complete-problem-problem.
Listen.
I'm unarmed.
I'm peaceful.
Do you understand? I-I know that you shouldn't be on this planet but I can help you with that.
I Problem-solution-DESTROY.
I want a word with you.
~ Get back! ~ Problem-solution-DESTROY.
Get away from me! Temporal-disrupt.
Warning-warning.
Temporal-failure.
Doctor, stop! Doctor! Warning-system-failure.
Abort.
Abort.
Oh, oh, well done, PE, brilliant work(!) "What's this? A chronodyne generator? "I'll just deactivate that, shall I? "I've got a swimming certificate so that qualifies me "to meddle with higher technology.
"Never mind that some people are actually trying to save the planet.
"Oh, no.
There's only room in my head for cross-country and the offside rule.
" ~ Danny, what are you doing here? ~ I was checking up on him.
He's been up to something, fiddling with the electric, but what the?! No.
What? Did you see that thing? Tell me you saw that thing.
I saw the thing, yeah.
Doctor, are we safe, is the planet safe? It's gone? Yes, yes, yes, yes, for the moment.
But the thing is, you see, the chronodyne generators have to be precisely aligned to generate the vortex, but the sergeant here, he went and moved one.
But the chronodyne worked, it's gone.
But not far enough.
The vortex will open here again, but not in a billion years.
Then when? Er, 74 hours.
Three days.
Three days to think of something new because now it knows what to expect, now it's scanned me and will kill me on sight, thanks to PE here.
Clara, why are you talking to him like that? Why are you using words like chronodyne? Was that thing a space thing? Oh, my God, you're from space.
You're a spacewoman.
You said you were from Blackpool.
It's a play! For the summer fete.
~ It's a what? ~ Yes, it's a play.
Shut up, it is a play.
We are rehearsing a play.
Sh! Sh! Sh! A surprise play! And, erm, you see, the vortex thing is-is a lighting effect.
Very clever.
And that thing is-is one of the kids.
In fancy dress.
Reallyreally good fancy dress.
How stupid do you think I am? I'm willing to put a number on it.
I'm not a moron, Clara.
And he's not the caretaker.
He'syour dad.
Your space dad.
Ohgenius.
That is really, really brilliant reasoning.
How can you think I'm her dad when we both look exactly the same age? ~ We do not look the same age.
~ I was being kind.
~ Right, I'll hypnotise him, I'll erase his memory.
~ Doctor, stop! ~ Tiny brain, won't take a moment.
~ He's my boyfriend.
Well, I'll try not to erase the whole thing.
I'll leave the bits that He's my boyfriend.
I thought you'd figured this out.
~ Him? ~ Yes, him.
~ No, he's not.
~ Yes, he is.
~ Yes, I am.
~ But he's a PE teacher.
You wouldn't go out with a PE teacher.
It's a mistake.
You've made a boyfriend error.
I am not a PE teacher.
I am a maths teacher! You're a soldier.
Why would you go out with a soldier? ~ Why not get a dog or a big plant? ~ Because I love him! Why would you say that? Is this part of the surprise play? There is no surprise play.
Oh, it's a roller coaster with you tonight, isn't it? What about the handsome one with the bow tie? Adrian? No.
He's just a friend and not my type.
Clara, are you going to explain any of this? Who is this guy? The Doctor is ~ Go on.
~ Yes, explain.
Who is he? Why have you never mentioned him? Becausehe's an alien.
~ Are you an alien? ~ No-no-no, I'm still from Blackpool.
Me and the Doctor, we travel through time and space.
Exhibit A.
It's called a TARDIS, but it's disguised as an old police phone box.
(It's bigger on the inside.
) And it's bigger on the inside than the outside.
Voila.
And we travel the universe in it.
What about that thing? Did you bring that here? No, I'm going to protect you from that thing.
You said it was coming back.
Yes, it is coming back.
Thanks to you.
This is a school.
We have to evacuate, call the Army.
And that is the most dangerous thing right there.
~ Are you sure hypnotising is not on the menu? ~ Yes.
We need to get help.
This is an emergency.
Take him away, shut him up, shut him down, up or down, it doesn't matter to me.
~ I've got a lot of work to do.
Again.
~ Will you be OK? Why wouldn't I be OK? I was fine till you two blundered in.
Am I just being ignored? Come on, Danny.
It's all right, it's all fine.
You'll be OK.
Let's get those legs moving that's it, down those stairs.
Yep, that's it.
This can all be explained and everything will be fine.
And when this is all over, you can finish the job.
How do you mean? Well, you've explained me to him.
You haven't explained him to me.
What do you think? Say something.
Sothere's an alien, who used to look like Adrian.
Then he turned into a Scottish caretaker and every now and then, when I'm not looking, you elope with him.
~ I don't elope.
~ Do you love him? ~ No.
Really had enough of the lies.
~ Not in that way.
~ What other way is there? ~ You know what I mean.
~ I don't know what you mean.
I know what you tell me, which isn't always the truth.
~ Danny ~ Why do you do it? Why do you fly off in the box with him? The truth, please, just this once.
Becauseit's amazing.
BecauseI see wonders.
OK.
What are you thinking? That's a good question.
It's funny, you only really know what someone thinks of you, when you know what lies they've told you.
You say you've seen wonders, you've seen amazing things, and you kept them secret.
From me.
So, what do you think of me, Clara? ~ Please, tell me how I fix this.
~ I just want to know who you are.
You know who I am.
When you're with him.
When you're with the Doctor.
OK, I think we've just got time before parents' evening.
An invisibility watch? Not even a ring.
Press the button on the side, you're invisible.
You'll see me with the Doctor, the other me.
The exactly the same other me.
OK? Afternoon.
Thanks for keeping out of my way.
You've not brought Dave with you, I hope.
His name's Danny.
And no, I haven't.
I've explained it all to him.
He gets it, he took it all really well.
Pass me that synestic.
So, when the Blitzer comes back, are you going to catch him with that? It'll be a long, fiddly job.
It's going to take me at least 24 hours.
Even longer if people keep talking to me, so do keep going.
If it comes back Thursday night, are you sure about that? Cos you said chronodyne is unstable.
If you want bother someone, go and bother PE.
He's a maths teacher.
~ That's a shame, I like maths.
~ Not a soldier.
Interesting.
What is? I'm bored.
Let's go somewhere fun, what do you say? Do you want to see the Thames frozen over? Oh, those frost fairs.
You can't.
The Skovox thing.
It's a time machine.
We can get back straightaway, like we always do on your dates.
Just make sure you don't get yourself a tan or anything, or lose a limb.
I don't think we should, not this time.
You've never said no before.
Not even in the middle of dinner.
Remember you had to eat two meals in a row? I just think, with the school in danger ~ Danny! Why are you? ~ He already knows I'm here.
That's why he's talking like that.
He's being clever.
Now you mention it, being a Time Lord, I can feel a light-shield aura when it's right next to me.
"Time Lord"! Might have known.
Might have known WHAT? The accent's good, but you can always spot the aristocracy.
~ It's in theattitude.
~ Danny Now, Time Lords, do you salute those? ~ Definitely not.
~ Sir! And you do not call me sir.
As you wish, sir.
Absolutely, sir.
~ And you can get out of my TARDIS! ~ Immediately, sir.
Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair! One thing, Clara.
I'm a soldier, guilty as charged.
You see him? ~ He's an officer.
~ I am not an officer! I'm the one who carries you out of the fire.
~ He's the one who lights it.
~ Out.
Now.
~ Right away, sir? Straight now? ~ Yes.
~ Am I dismissed? ~ Yes, you are! That's him.
Look at him, right now.
That's who he is.
On balance, I think that went quite well.
Dannyit's not time to go home yet.
It's parents' evening.
Humans.
I never learn.
What's in the box? It's not really a policeman, is it? You want to know what's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box.
It's a time machine, it also travels in space, and it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world, but keeps being interrupted by boring little humans.
Cool.
So, that's really a spaceship? I'm serious, I'm trying to save this planet.
End of the world for me tonight, whatever you do.
Parents' evening.
Is your name really Disruptive Influence? Courtney Woods.
Can I go in space? I'll let you know.
I may have a vacancy.
But not right now.
Two days? I can do it.
Right, are we quorate? Time to admit the hordes.
And look who's at the front of the queue.
~ Who are they? ~ Courtney Woods' mum and dad.
~ Can someone else do them first? ~ No problem, Ade.
I can cope with anything tonight.
~ Oh, happy days(!) No, no, no.
No, no, no, no! I would say yes, I'm afraid Courtney is a disruptive influence.
Yeah, but last year you said she was a VERY disruptive influence.
So, I suppose that counts as an improvement.
Excuse me, I think the caretaker wants me.
Sorry, Mrs Christodolou, I think the caretaker wants me too.
What about my Angelina? Yeah, she's great, yeah, a really great girl, A-plus, ten out of ten, top of the class.
Sorry.
Although, actually, handwriting could be better.
I'm sure they'll be back in a moment.
Looks like our Courtney was right about those two.
~ What's happening? ~ Clara, the vortex is opening.
~ You said Thursday night.
Hall, quick.
~ PE, shut up.
Clara, it'll scan the area, if it gets to parents' evening, it'll kill them all.
We've got to evacuate.
SHUT UP! Quickly.
What do I do? It'll be here any second.
Get to the hall.
Give it some squirts of helicon energy, setting number 41, no more than three seconds each, random pulses.
Distract it, then you lead it away from the hall, give me two minutes.
~ Then what? ~ Just run straight to the TARDIS.
But your gadget isn't ready yet.
Yes, well, I've revised that down to two minutes.
Probably.
Clara, go.
~ On my way.
~ You're using her like a decoy? No, not like a decoy.
As a decoy.
Don't they teach you anything at stupid school? Well, is there anything I can do? Yes, yes, and this is very, very important.
Leave us alone! Disrupt-temporal-lock.
Disengaged-scan.
Here we go.
Incoming-stop-identified-HELICON- HELICON-commence-retargeting.
Target-acquired.
Destroy.
Target-within-range.
Problem-solution-DESTROY.
DESTROY.
Doctor, now, it's got to be now! DESTROY.
DESTROY.
Doctor! ~ I'm at green, I'm at green.
~ You're green! ~ Stop! Skovox Blitzer! Awaiting-orders.
Skovox-Artificer.
Analyse-stop-analyse-stop.
Superior-recognised-pattern- Why's it listening to you? Listening to its superior.
This is a rough copy.
It thinks I'm its general.
Initiate-input.
Commence-shutdown-protocol.
No-conflict-conclusion? Problem-solution.
Conclusion.
Final-input-code-missing.
Emergency-terminate.
Initiate-self-destruct- innineeight ~ The input code.
I forgot the final input code.
~ .
.
seven-six-five ~ Do it now! ~ I need time.
Distract it, Clara! Me, what can I do? Oi, Skovox, over here.
Under-attack.
Artificer-Artificer-stop-confirm- stop-override-final-input-code.
Code-accepted.
Abort-self-destruct.
Orders-accepted-stop-stop-stop.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you were amazing! Oh, my God, you were so brilliant.
Well, yeah, I was OK, wasn't I? I was behind you every step of the way.
Had to make sure you were safe.
You OK? OK.
Just "OK"? It's all right, it doesn't matter.
I don't need him to like me.
It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me.
I just need to do exactly one thing for you.
Doctor, am I right? Yes.
What? What one thing? I need to be good enough for you.
That's why he's angry.
Just in case I'm not.
He, er He did just save the whole world.
Yeah, yeah.
Good start.
Farewell, Skovox Blitzer.
Have a nice war.
So, Courtney Woods, impressed yet? Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill.
Ah, it can be a bit overwhelming.
But look - the Olveron Cluster.
A million stars, Ah, yes, there has been a spillage.
So, what do you think now? ~ Of the Doctor? ~ Yeah.
See, he's all right, isn't he, really? Underneath it all.
OK.
Tell me what you're thinking.
I know men like him.
I've served under them.
They push you and make you stronger, till you're doing things you never thought you could.
I saw you tonight, you did exactly what he told you.
You weren't even scared.
And you should have been.
I trust him.
He has never let me down.
Fine.
If he ever pushes you too far, then I want you to tell me, because I know what that's like.
You'll tell me if that happens, yeah? Yeah, it's a deal.
~ No.
It's a promise.
~ OK.
I promise.
~ If you break that promise, Clara, we're finished.
~ Don't say that.
I am saying it because if you if you don't tell me the truth, I can't help you, and I could never stand not being able to help you.
Are we clear? Yes.
We're clear.
It was mad, it was like in a film or on the telly, like with science fiction guns.
Skovox Blitzer, sounds like.
We've had a few in from that.
~ Wouldn't feel too bad.
~ If I hadn't If I hadn't Hang on.
That doesn't make sense.
Makes perfect sense to me.
How did I escape? I don't remember how I got away.
Well, I was coming to that.
I'm afraid you really rather didn't.
Then how did I get here? Wellbig question.
Where am I? What name would you like? There's a range.
The afterlife.
The Promised Land.
I'm partial to the Nethersphere.
My God! Sorry, she's a bit busy today.
Soany questions? Hello, Earth.
We have a terrible decision to make.
An innocent life versus the future of all mankind.
Whatever future humanity might have depends on the choice made right here, right now.
Aaaarrgghh! Decision made.
We're going to die here.
Pass me the vibro-cutters.
They're in my pocket.
Come on then, pass them to me.
In my other jacket.
At home.
Why have you got have two jackets - is one of them faulty? Look, I don't have the vibro-cutters.
If I had the vibro-cutters, I wouldn't be able to pass you the vibro-cutters.
We're going to starve to death out here.
Of course we won't starve.
The sand piranhas will get us long before that.
Hiya.
Sorry I'm late.
You're not, but you are brown, you're very brown.
~ You weren't that brown this morning.
~ Sunbed.
I'll get 'em in.
Usual? Fish people.
What are they like? Fish.
And people.
Come and see.
~ How's you? ~ Evening.
Nice frock.
~ It's a bit wet.
~ Freak shower.
Is that seaweed? I said freak.
~ How much further? ~ TARDIS has got to be round this corner.
~ I hate soldiers.
Don't you hate soldiers? ~ Yeah.
Just keep running! ~ Oh, yeah.
Danny.
Hiya.
~ Morning.
Ready to run? I can't keep doing this.
I can't do it.
Yes, I can, I can do it, of course I can do it.
I've got it all under control.
So, where we off to? Clara, you You look lovely today.
Have you had a wash? ~ Why are you being nice? ~ Because it works on you.
Listen, I'm sorry but there's going to be no trip today.
I'm sorry.
Er, I've got to do a thing.
It might take a while.
~ What thing? ~ Just a thing.
You're being mysterious, and do you know what means? I'm a man of mystery.
Hmm.
It means that you are a very clever man making the mistake, common to very clever people, of assuming that everybody else is stupid.
Where are you going? Undercover.
Deep cover.
~ Can you do deep cover? ~ What do you mean? ~ Have you seen you? Of course I can do deep cover! Where? The Magic Circle? I'll see you when I see you.
When's that? When I see you.
Hmm Hmm I'll be sure to have a wash.
Excellent.
I was meaning to bring it up.
You lot! Not hereover there.
Morning, Mr Pink.
Morning, Courtney.
And good morning, Miss Oswald.
Morning, Mr Pink.
~ Do they know? ~ Possibly - they're children.
It's like they've got minds of their own.
Are you OK? Yeah, course I'm OK.
Why wouldn't I be OK? ~ I dunno.
Every time I see you, it's like you're ~ What? In a rush.
In a state.
In a space helmet, one time.
Sorry, er, I've had athing and, er, the thing's gone so I'm all yours.
~ What thing? What's gone? ~ Nothing.
It's like you're trying to be mysterious.
I'm not stupid, you know.
The next few days are all about you.
I promise.
Which means, Jo, you'll have to cover for 8/4M in L3.
Hold on, there is just one more thing.
Atif's off sick, so we've got a newbie, I did ask him to come along.
Ah, here he is.
I'm the new caretaker.
John Smith.
Welcome to Coal Hill, Mr Smith.
Thanks.
Yes, John Smith's the name.
But, you know, here's a thing, most people just call me the Doctor.
So, if anybody needs me, just, you know, give me a shout.
I'll be in the storeroom just getting the lie of the land.
Yes, no-one's taking any notice at all.
Absolutely good news because it means I must be coming across just as an absolutely boring human being like you.
Deep cover.
Deep cover.
~ Do you know him? ~ Know who? ~ The caretaker, Smith.
"The Doctor.
" ~ Never seen him before in my life.
Bit intense looking.
Did you see those eyebrows? Did he wink at you? No, I think that was just a sort of general wink.
He winked at everybody.
It was a general welcoming wink.
Ah, I have, erm, left some marking.
Assembly.
Chop-chop.
Off you pop.
Catch you in a bit.
Excuse me.
~ So, you recognised me, then.
~ You're wearing a different coat.
~ But you saw straight through that.
~ Deep cover in my school? Why? Where's Atif, what have you done with him? He's fine, hypnotised, he thinks he's got the 'flu.
Also a flying car and three wives.
It's going to be a rude awakening.
Is it aliens? Oh, my God, is that why you're here? Are there aliens? ~ It's assembly, you better get going.
Go and worship something.
~ Are there aliens in this school? Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on.
~ I'm a caretaker now.
Look, I've got a brush.
~ Doctor, is there an alien in this school? Yes.
Me.
Now, go.
The walls need sponging and there's a sinister puddle.
You can't do this.
You cannot pass yourself off as a real person among actual people.
I lived among otters once for a month.
Well, I sulked.
River and I, we had this big fight ~ Human beings are not otters! ~ Exactly, it'll be even easier.
One question.
And you will answer this question.
Are the kids safe? No.
Nobody is safe.
But soon the answer will be yes, everybody is safe, if you let me get on.
Now pretend you don't know me, stay out of my way.
The less you know, the better.
I'll explain it all later.
~ Go and sing with the otters.
~ I hate you.
That's fine, that's a perfectly normal reaction.
Basically, you've to get that guy on the block and stop that other one shooting him.
It's so sick.
I-I got that guy.
That was, like, six months ago.
~ You actually have to flick it that way.
~ Nah, but I'm saying You Coal Hill kids? ~ Yes, so what if we are? ~ Then get to Coal Hill.
We've got a free period, mate.
You want me to take your names? Come on.
This is unfair, mate.
Always come in threes.
Oi! I know you're in there.
Hello? I'm a police officer.
There's no point hiding.
Do you hear me? Come on, kiddo.
Five-stop-intruder.
Five-stop-intruder.
Turn your game off, it's time for school.
Come on! Stop messing about! Problem-solution-DESTROY.
.
.
though unheard by Lydia, was caught by Elizabeth, and as it assured her that Darcy was ~ You all right, Miss Oswald? ~ Yes, Kelvin, I'm fine, you carry on.
Every feeling of displeasure against the former was so sharpened Can I help you, Mr Smith? ~ Wrong.
~ I'm sorry? On the board.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You don't do this.
You are the caretaker, this is not what you do.
~ Just taking care.
~ Not your area! Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice in 1796.
This is Mr Smith, the temporary caretaker, and he's a bit confused.
Not in 1797, because she didn't have the time.
She was so busy Oh, I suppose she was your bezzie mate, was she? And you went on holidays together and then you got kidnapped by Boggons from space and then you all formed a band and met Buddy Holly.
No, I read the book.
There's a bio at the back.
Get down.
~ Boggons? ~ Go! Right, that's it.
Well done, Kelvin.
Get going.
See you all in a couple of days.
Thanks very much.
Miss, what about our homework? Who asks for homework? Amateur.
~ Miss Oswald ~ Hello, Tobias, can't really stop.
I'm in the football team against Durrants on Thursday.
Sorry, but can I go early from English Thursday afternoon? Tobias, you can do whatever you want.
~ Clara, can I grab a quick word? ~ Actually, I, erm Two weeks Saturday, the fete, can I put you down for tombola and the raffle? James H can't cover it now.
His wife's going into hospital.
Hip replacement.
Constant agony.
Great.
No, awful.
That's terrible.
Awful.
I hope she'll be OK.
Erm, I'll do anything.
Anything.
OK.
Bye.
Miss Oswald, Katie Sharps says I pulled her hair in Biology.
Courtney, you are big enough to look after yourself.
Next class, jog on, I need to talk to Mr Pink.
~ Ozzie loves the Squaddie.
~ What was that? ~ Nothing.
Of course, Danny Pink here is your man, Mr Smith.
Five years' military experience, sergeant, here and Afghan, so electrics, boilers, if you need a hand, give him a shout.
I-I've helped Atif with a couple of things.
I'm sure I won't need you, Sergeant.
Fully qualified.
~ You best get back to your PE class.
~ Oh, I teach maths.
~ Do you? What, in emergencies? ~ No.
I'm a maths teacher.
Yeah, he's a maths teacher Mohammed, put that down! How does that work? What if the kids have questions? ~ About what? ~ Maths.
~ I answer them.
I'm a maths teacher.
But he said you were a soldier.
Yeah.
I was a soldier, now I'm a maths teacher.
But what about all the PE? I don't teach PE.
I'm not a PE teacher.
Sorry, that seems very unlikely.
Er, excuse me.
Mr Pink, I think class 9M4 are waiting.
Yes, you better run along, Sergeant.
That ball isn't going to kick itself, is it? I-I'm not a PE teacher, I'm a maths teacher.
Nope, sorry, no, I can't retain that.
I've tried, it's just not going in.
SoPink.
The name remind you of anything? Yeah.
The colour.
Colonel Orson Pink? The guy we met at the end of the universe.
Oh, yeah.
OK, same name, doesn't look anything like him though.
Looks very like him.
Does he? I don't know.
Who remembers a PE teacher? Never mind.
What are you doing? What? What's in there? Sois he here then? Is who here? The one you keep going on serious dates with.
If he is, are you going to start talking like a normal human being? ~ I promise I won't.
I'm being nice.
~ Doctor? ~ Clara.
Got this period free, yes? ~ No.
Yes.
~ Great.
Shakespeare.
~ Sorry, what, Adrian? OhI see.
~ You see what? ~ Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Excuse me.
We have to talk about The Tempest, in light of the changes to the sixth form Shakespeare module, blah-de-blah Yes.
Sorry, of course.
Yes, yes, no, of course, of course, yes.
Don't mind this old man.
You two kids just pop off together.
Why are you talking like an idiot? I'm a caretaker, don't mind me.
What we have to get across, I feel, is that fascinating enigma of itsnot-finishedness.
Mmm, yes, good point, Ade.
Oh, Clara.
What does that mean? Kids.
What's the matter with kids today? Hey, I said you could play chess, I did not say you could play football on the chessboard.
Jack, Morgan, come on, help me out, clear it up.
And one for luck.
OK.
Now we're in business.
Let's see the lie of the land.
Time to see what's going on.
Hello? Oi.
What are you doing? Are you in there? Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most dangerous of them all? There's been a spillage in Geography, I need some paper towels.
Can't you read? Course I can read.
Read what? The door.
It says, "Keep Out.
" No, it says, "Go Away Humans.
" Oh, so it does.
Never lose your temper in the middle of a door sign.
What was you doing in there? What's that box? A caretaker's box.
Every caretaker has their own box.
It says, "Police".
Exactly, there's a policeman in there, in case of emergencies and children.
~ Towels, there, g-g-go.
~ What was that green glow? There was a green glow coming from in there.
~ What was it? ~ Of course there was.
What's a policeman without a death ray? Oh, listen, there's the bell, off you go.
~ Haven't you got shoplifting to do? ~ I'm going to tell the Headmaster.
Oh, yes, well, fine.
Cut along, you're running out of time.
~ For what? ~ Everything.
Human beings have incredibly short life spans.
Frankly, you should all be in a permanent state of panic.
~ Tick tock, tick tock.
~ You're weird.
Yes, I am.
What about you? I'm a disruptive influence.
~ Good to meet you.
~ And you(!) Now get lost.
OK.
Hello, miss, love to the Squaddie.
Sorry, what did you say? What was she doing in here? Paper towels.
Now, I imagine you've many questions.
Fire away, I won't answer any of them.
~ What were they like? ~ What were who like? ~ The others before me.
Did they let you get away with this kind of thing? ~ This school is in danger.
~ Well, it's lucky I'm here then.
~ From you.
~ Me? ~ You wouldn't be here if there wasn't an alien threat nearby.
Your strategy for dealing with it involves endangering this school.
~ You don't know that.
~ I don't know anything because you haven't told me anything, which means I wouldn't approve, which means you are endangering this school.
What's that? It's a scanner.
I'm scanning.
Why do I keep you around? Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.
Scanning for what? Any alien technology in this vicinity should show up.
I used to have a teacher exactly like you once.
You still do.
Pay attention.
What the hell is it?! A Skovox Blitzer, one of the deadliest killing machines ever created.
Probably homed in here because of artron emissions.
You've had enough of them in this area over the years.
There's enough explosive in its armoury to take out the whole planet.
Then leave it alone.
Sooner or later it will creep from its hidey-hole and some military idiot will try to attack it.
The world is full of PE teachers.
So, your insanely dangerous plan is? A new watch.
Tiny bit disappointed.
This is a very special watch.
Doctor? Oi! Did you just flick my nose? You're invisible.
Oh, my God, that's incredible! Correct.
I am invisible and I am incredible.
~ It's simply a matter of reversing light waves.
Hang on, I'm coming back.
~ All right, where are you? So, I give the Blitzer a tiny whiff of non-threatening alien tech, I lead it back here, but I don't want it to scan me, hence invisible.
So you're leading the thing here? To a school? My school? "MY school"? Oh, that is telling.
This is the only suitably empty place in the area.
I've set up a circle of time mines around the school.
Chronodyne generators.
Bit unstable.
I switch them on, the Blitzer gets sucked into a big old time vortex, billions of years into the future.
Dead easy.
Tiny bit boring.
~ I'll need a book and a sandwich.
~ And me.
You're not doing this alone.
I don't need you this time.
I'll see you tomorrow.
We'll go somewhere nice.
Ancient Egypt.
Crocodilopolis.
They worship a big crocodile there, so the name is a useful coincidence.
Go and canoodle with your boyfriend.
Come on.
I wasn't born yesterday, far from it.
You did recognise him.
Possibly reminded me of a certain dashing young time traveller.
Of course you recognised him.
Sorry.
Stupid.
I-I underestimated you.
~ Easily done, there's a lot to estimate.
~ And you, you like him? Yes, I like him.
Very, very much.
Go home and canoodle.
Doctor's orders.
Come on.
~ Just this once, I'm doing what I'm told.
~ Oh, sing hosanna.
So easy.
Miss Oswald.
~ Ah, Mr Mr Pink.
~ Still on for tonight? Cos you had your "I'm about to cancel" frown on.
There's a specific frown? And I was going to say, it's OK, I might have a thing, so A thing? ~ Tomorrow instead? ~ Tomorrow's parents' evening.
Not all evening.
No.
Not all evening.
What do you think of him? Er, who? The caretaker? Where did he come from? What was he before? He doesn't seem like a caretaker.
Well, he speaks very highly of you.
Anyway.
Good night, Miss Oswald.
Good nightMr Pink.
And we're off.
Home, sweet home.
Canoodling cancelled, if you need a hand Doctor? You invisible? I am so going to confiscate that watch.
Where are you, my sleeping beauty? Gotcha! Let's dance! Doctor? Where are you? Hello? Nine-stop-query-rescan.
Target-reacquired-success-success.
Come on, come on.
Gangway! Not far now.
Come on.
Nine-stop-parsing-data-pursue.
Bingo.
Target-reacquired.
Hello? What? Red? Red.
No.
No-no-no! Range-one-point-four-nine-scan complete-problem-problem.
Listen.
I'm unarmed.
I'm peaceful.
Do you understand? I-I know that you shouldn't be on this planet but I can help you with that.
I Problem-solution-DESTROY.
I want a word with you.
~ Get back! ~ Problem-solution-DESTROY.
Get away from me! Temporal-disrupt.
Warning-warning.
Temporal-failure.
Doctor, stop! Doctor! Warning-system-failure.
Abort.
Abort.
Oh, oh, well done, PE, brilliant work(!) "What's this? A chronodyne generator? "I'll just deactivate that, shall I? "I've got a swimming certificate so that qualifies me "to meddle with higher technology.
"Never mind that some people are actually trying to save the planet.
"Oh, no.
There's only room in my head for cross-country and the offside rule.
" ~ Danny, what are you doing here? ~ I was checking up on him.
He's been up to something, fiddling with the electric, but what the?! No.
What? Did you see that thing? Tell me you saw that thing.
I saw the thing, yeah.
Doctor, are we safe, is the planet safe? It's gone? Yes, yes, yes, yes, for the moment.
But the thing is, you see, the chronodyne generators have to be precisely aligned to generate the vortex, but the sergeant here, he went and moved one.
But the chronodyne worked, it's gone.
But not far enough.
The vortex will open here again, but not in a billion years.
Then when? Er, 74 hours.
Three days.
Three days to think of something new because now it knows what to expect, now it's scanned me and will kill me on sight, thanks to PE here.
Clara, why are you talking to him like that? Why are you using words like chronodyne? Was that thing a space thing? Oh, my God, you're from space.
You're a spacewoman.
You said you were from Blackpool.
It's a play! For the summer fete.
~ It's a what? ~ Yes, it's a play.
Shut up, it is a play.
We are rehearsing a play.
Sh! Sh! Sh! A surprise play! And, erm, you see, the vortex thing is-is a lighting effect.
Very clever.
And that thing is-is one of the kids.
In fancy dress.
Reallyreally good fancy dress.
How stupid do you think I am? I'm willing to put a number on it.
I'm not a moron, Clara.
And he's not the caretaker.
He'syour dad.
Your space dad.
Ohgenius.
That is really, really brilliant reasoning.
How can you think I'm her dad when we both look exactly the same age? ~ We do not look the same age.
~ I was being kind.
~ Right, I'll hypnotise him, I'll erase his memory.
~ Doctor, stop! ~ Tiny brain, won't take a moment.
~ He's my boyfriend.
Well, I'll try not to erase the whole thing.
I'll leave the bits that He's my boyfriend.
I thought you'd figured this out.
~ Him? ~ Yes, him.
~ No, he's not.
~ Yes, he is.
~ Yes, I am.
~ But he's a PE teacher.
You wouldn't go out with a PE teacher.
It's a mistake.
You've made a boyfriend error.
I am not a PE teacher.
I am a maths teacher! You're a soldier.
Why would you go out with a soldier? ~ Why not get a dog or a big plant? ~ Because I love him! Why would you say that? Is this part of the surprise play? There is no surprise play.
Oh, it's a roller coaster with you tonight, isn't it? What about the handsome one with the bow tie? Adrian? No.
He's just a friend and not my type.
Clara, are you going to explain any of this? Who is this guy? The Doctor is ~ Go on.
~ Yes, explain.
Who is he? Why have you never mentioned him? Becausehe's an alien.
~ Are you an alien? ~ No-no-no, I'm still from Blackpool.
Me and the Doctor, we travel through time and space.
Exhibit A.
It's called a TARDIS, but it's disguised as an old police phone box.
(It's bigger on the inside.
) And it's bigger on the inside than the outside.
Voila.
And we travel the universe in it.
What about that thing? Did you bring that here? No, I'm going to protect you from that thing.
You said it was coming back.
Yes, it is coming back.
Thanks to you.
This is a school.
We have to evacuate, call the Army.
And that is the most dangerous thing right there.
~ Are you sure hypnotising is not on the menu? ~ Yes.
We need to get help.
This is an emergency.
Take him away, shut him up, shut him down, up or down, it doesn't matter to me.
~ I've got a lot of work to do.
Again.
~ Will you be OK? Why wouldn't I be OK? I was fine till you two blundered in.
Am I just being ignored? Come on, Danny.
It's all right, it's all fine.
You'll be OK.
Let's get those legs moving that's it, down those stairs.
Yep, that's it.
This can all be explained and everything will be fine.
And when this is all over, you can finish the job.
How do you mean? Well, you've explained me to him.
You haven't explained him to me.
What do you think? Say something.
Sothere's an alien, who used to look like Adrian.
Then he turned into a Scottish caretaker and every now and then, when I'm not looking, you elope with him.
~ I don't elope.
~ Do you love him? ~ No.
Really had enough of the lies.
~ Not in that way.
~ What other way is there? ~ You know what I mean.
~ I don't know what you mean.
I know what you tell me, which isn't always the truth.
~ Danny ~ Why do you do it? Why do you fly off in the box with him? The truth, please, just this once.
Becauseit's amazing.
BecauseI see wonders.
OK.
What are you thinking? That's a good question.
It's funny, you only really know what someone thinks of you, when you know what lies they've told you.
You say you've seen wonders, you've seen amazing things, and you kept them secret.
From me.
So, what do you think of me, Clara? ~ Please, tell me how I fix this.
~ I just want to know who you are.
You know who I am.
When you're with him.
When you're with the Doctor.
OK, I think we've just got time before parents' evening.
An invisibility watch? Not even a ring.
Press the button on the side, you're invisible.
You'll see me with the Doctor, the other me.
The exactly the same other me.
OK? Afternoon.
Thanks for keeping out of my way.
You've not brought Dave with you, I hope.
His name's Danny.
And no, I haven't.
I've explained it all to him.
He gets it, he took it all really well.
Pass me that synestic.
So, when the Blitzer comes back, are you going to catch him with that? It'll be a long, fiddly job.
It's going to take me at least 24 hours.
Even longer if people keep talking to me, so do keep going.
If it comes back Thursday night, are you sure about that? Cos you said chronodyne is unstable.
If you want bother someone, go and bother PE.
He's a maths teacher.
~ That's a shame, I like maths.
~ Not a soldier.
Interesting.
What is? I'm bored.
Let's go somewhere fun, what do you say? Do you want to see the Thames frozen over? Oh, those frost fairs.
You can't.
The Skovox thing.
It's a time machine.
We can get back straightaway, like we always do on your dates.
Just make sure you don't get yourself a tan or anything, or lose a limb.
I don't think we should, not this time.
You've never said no before.
Not even in the middle of dinner.
Remember you had to eat two meals in a row? I just think, with the school in danger ~ Danny! Why are you? ~ He already knows I'm here.
That's why he's talking like that.
He's being clever.
Now you mention it, being a Time Lord, I can feel a light-shield aura when it's right next to me.
"Time Lord"! Might have known.
Might have known WHAT? The accent's good, but you can always spot the aristocracy.
~ It's in theattitude.
~ Danny Now, Time Lords, do you salute those? ~ Definitely not.
~ Sir! And you do not call me sir.
As you wish, sir.
Absolutely, sir.
~ And you can get out of my TARDIS! ~ Immediately, sir.
Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair! One thing, Clara.
I'm a soldier, guilty as charged.
You see him? ~ He's an officer.
~ I am not an officer! I'm the one who carries you out of the fire.
~ He's the one who lights it.
~ Out.
Now.
~ Right away, sir? Straight now? ~ Yes.
~ Am I dismissed? ~ Yes, you are! That's him.
Look at him, right now.
That's who he is.
On balance, I think that went quite well.
Dannyit's not time to go home yet.
It's parents' evening.
Humans.
I never learn.
What's in the box? It's not really a policeman, is it? You want to know what's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box.
It's a time machine, it also travels in space, and it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world, but keeps being interrupted by boring little humans.
Cool.
So, that's really a spaceship? I'm serious, I'm trying to save this planet.
End of the world for me tonight, whatever you do.
Parents' evening.
Is your name really Disruptive Influence? Courtney Woods.
Can I go in space? I'll let you know.
I may have a vacancy.
But not right now.
Two days? I can do it.
Right, are we quorate? Time to admit the hordes.
And look who's at the front of the queue.
~ Who are they? ~ Courtney Woods' mum and dad.
~ Can someone else do them first? ~ No problem, Ade.
I can cope with anything tonight.
~ Oh, happy days(!) No, no, no.
No, no, no, no! I would say yes, I'm afraid Courtney is a disruptive influence.
Yeah, but last year you said she was a VERY disruptive influence.
So, I suppose that counts as an improvement.
Excuse me, I think the caretaker wants me.
Sorry, Mrs Christodolou, I think the caretaker wants me too.
What about my Angelina? Yeah, she's great, yeah, a really great girl, A-plus, ten out of ten, top of the class.
Sorry.
Although, actually, handwriting could be better.
I'm sure they'll be back in a moment.
Looks like our Courtney was right about those two.
~ What's happening? ~ Clara, the vortex is opening.
~ You said Thursday night.
Hall, quick.
~ PE, shut up.
Clara, it'll scan the area, if it gets to parents' evening, it'll kill them all.
We've got to evacuate.
SHUT UP! Quickly.
What do I do? It'll be here any second.
Get to the hall.
Give it some squirts of helicon energy, setting number 41, no more than three seconds each, random pulses.
Distract it, then you lead it away from the hall, give me two minutes.
~ Then what? ~ Just run straight to the TARDIS.
But your gadget isn't ready yet.
Yes, well, I've revised that down to two minutes.
Probably.
Clara, go.
~ On my way.
~ You're using her like a decoy? No, not like a decoy.
As a decoy.
Don't they teach you anything at stupid school? Well, is there anything I can do? Yes, yes, and this is very, very important.
Leave us alone! Disrupt-temporal-lock.
Disengaged-scan.
Here we go.
Incoming-stop-identified-HELICON- HELICON-commence-retargeting.
Target-acquired.
Destroy.
Target-within-range.
Problem-solution-DESTROY.
DESTROY.
Doctor, now, it's got to be now! DESTROY.
DESTROY.
Doctor! ~ I'm at green, I'm at green.
~ You're green! ~ Stop! Skovox Blitzer! Awaiting-orders.
Skovox-Artificer.
Analyse-stop-analyse-stop.
Superior-recognised-pattern- Why's it listening to you? Listening to its superior.
This is a rough copy.
It thinks I'm its general.
Initiate-input.
Commence-shutdown-protocol.
No-conflict-conclusion? Problem-solution.
Conclusion.
Final-input-code-missing.
Emergency-terminate.
Initiate-self-destruct- innineeight ~ The input code.
I forgot the final input code.
~ .
.
seven-six-five ~ Do it now! ~ I need time.
Distract it, Clara! Me, what can I do? Oi, Skovox, over here.
Under-attack.
Artificer-Artificer-stop-confirm- stop-override-final-input-code.
Code-accepted.
Abort-self-destruct.
Orders-accepted-stop-stop-stop.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you were amazing! Oh, my God, you were so brilliant.
Well, yeah, I was OK, wasn't I? I was behind you every step of the way.
Had to make sure you were safe.
You OK? OK.
Just "OK"? It's all right, it doesn't matter.
I don't need him to like me.
It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me.
I just need to do exactly one thing for you.
Doctor, am I right? Yes.
What? What one thing? I need to be good enough for you.
That's why he's angry.
Just in case I'm not.
He, er He did just save the whole world.
Yeah, yeah.
Good start.
Farewell, Skovox Blitzer.
Have a nice war.
So, Courtney Woods, impressed yet? Actually, I'm feeling a bit ill.
Ah, it can be a bit overwhelming.
But look - the Olveron Cluster.
A million stars, Ah, yes, there has been a spillage.
So, what do you think now? ~ Of the Doctor? ~ Yeah.
See, he's all right, isn't he, really? Underneath it all.
OK.
Tell me what you're thinking.
I know men like him.
I've served under them.
They push you and make you stronger, till you're doing things you never thought you could.
I saw you tonight, you did exactly what he told you.
You weren't even scared.
And you should have been.
I trust him.
He has never let me down.
Fine.
If he ever pushes you too far, then I want you to tell me, because I know what that's like.
You'll tell me if that happens, yeah? Yeah, it's a deal.
~ No.
It's a promise.
~ OK.
I promise.
~ If you break that promise, Clara, we're finished.
~ Don't say that.
I am saying it because if you if you don't tell me the truth, I can't help you, and I could never stand not being able to help you.
Are we clear? Yes.
We're clear.
It was mad, it was like in a film or on the telly, like with science fiction guns.
Skovox Blitzer, sounds like.
We've had a few in from that.
~ Wouldn't feel too bad.
~ If I hadn't If I hadn't Hang on.
That doesn't make sense.
Makes perfect sense to me.
How did I escape? I don't remember how I got away.
Well, I was coming to that.
I'm afraid you really rather didn't.
Then how did I get here? Wellbig question.
Where am I? What name would you like? There's a range.
The afterlife.
The Promised Land.
I'm partial to the Nethersphere.
My God! Sorry, she's a bit busy today.
Soany questions? Hello, Earth.
We have a terrible decision to make.
An innocent life versus the future of all mankind.
Whatever future humanity might have depends on the choice made right here, right now.
Aaaarrgghh! Decision made.