Doctor Who (1963) s03e06 Episode Script

Achilles! Over here, stable keeper! Barbarian horse worshipper! Out of breath so soon, my light-foot princeling? Your friend Patrocolus fled me further, and made better sport! Murderer! Patrocolus was a boy.
A boy? Well he died like a dog, whimpering after his master Achilles! Ha! Let me send you to him where he waits in Hades.
Let me throw the dog a bone or two! What? So anxious to be gone? I would not keep you for the world! Your bones would be the meatier, Trojan though meat a trifle rough at that.
Well all's one - they will whiten well enough in the sun! Run, Achilles! Run Run a little more, before you die! What sort of people are they, Doctor? Oh, I'm not sure, my child.
You'll notice they're wearing Grecian costumes.
That's hardly surprising in the circumstances.
Why do you suppose they fight? I haven't the remotest idea, my boy.
No doubt their reasons will be entirely adequate.
Yes, I think I perhaps I'd better go and ask them where we are.
Doctor, be careful! They look terribly fierce.
Oh, what nonsense! If you take notice of them I think they're doing more talking than they are fighting.
I think I'd better go and ask them where we are.
Doctor, you can't! You know if you go out there by yourself you'll g Now you stay here, my dear, and look after that ankle.
Wouldn't it be better if I went? Not at all, young man.
You stay here and keep an eye on Vicki.
Besides, I don't think your present humour is fitting for the occasion.
You know, I don't think they'd appreciate your kind of sarcasm.
The gods of my people, Hector, are not lightly mocked.
They are terrible! And Troy itself is doomed to fall at their bidding even as you are.
You cannot stand against them.
You pretend that old Father Zeus will descend to Earth and take Troy for you.
I guarantee to trim his beard for him if he dare attempt it! Beware - the voice of Zeus, Hector! Beware the anger of Olympus! Who am I to fear the thunder you superstitious dark-dodging decadent! Hear me, Zeus! Accept from me the promised light of your cringing servant Achilles! Or else, I challenge you descend to Earth and save him! Zeus! Forgive me.
Stop! You must not kick a man when he is down You have killed this poor fellow! Oh, but in your name.
In my name, indeed! Get up! Get up, I tell you! This is terrible.
If Zeus bids me to rise What is this? What is it you take me for? The father of the gods and ruler of the world.
What! Do you really? And who might you be, may I ask? Achilles Mightiest of warriors, greatest in battle, humblest of your servants.
Well, if I may say so, you're not very humble, are you, eh? Yes, I I think I know you, yes.
And this, er, this friend of yours must be, er Hector.
Prince of Troy.
Sent to Hades for blasphemy against the gods of Greece.
Blasphemy? I'm sure he didn't mean it.
He threatened to trim your beard should you descend to Earth! Oh, did he now? Well, if you notice, I have no beard! If you had appeared to me in your true form I would have been truly blinded by your radiance.
It is well known that when you come amongst us you adopt many different forms.
Oh, do I? To Europa, you appeared as a bull.
To Leda, as a swan.
To me in the guise of an old beggar.
I beg your pardon! I do nothing of the kind! Oh, but still your glory shines through! Oh, indeed.
Indeed so, yes, so I should hope.
Yes, well thank you, I'm glad to meet you.
Now, if you will excuse me, I must get back to my temple.
Attend to his funeral.
Oh stop! You must not go! Do you realise whom you are addressing? Forgive me, father Zeus, I I spoke hastily.
Then do not hinder me or I will strike you with a thunderbolt! I must brave even the wrath of Zeus, and implore you to remain.
Well, I don't see why I should.
I have many other commitments, you must understand And one of them lies here.
In the camp of Agamemnon, our general.
Oh, hear me out, I pray! For ten long years now we have laid siege to Troy, and still they defy us.
Come! And where's he off to now? It's a fine time to go looking at the view! After all, that's why he went out there, to find out where we are.
Anyway, that man looks quite friendly now.
He's probably showing him the way to the nearest town.
Hmm, I wonder I think I'd better try and find some more suitable clothes.
There they sit, secure behind their walls whilst we rot in their summers and starve in their crack-bone winters.
What's this, Achilles? So far from camp, all unprotected from a prisoner? Odysseus, this is no prisoner.
Certainly not.
Not yet a prisoner? You should have called for assistance, lad.
We would not like to lose you.
Come, let us escort you homewards! Night might fall and find thee from thy tent! I wouldn't stand for that if I were you! Are, but then, old fellow, you are not the Lord Achilles.
He is not the one to look for trouble, are you, boy? Have a care, pirate! Are there no Trojan throats to slit, that you dare tempt my sword? Throats enough, I grant you.
Some half score Trojans will not whistle easy tonight - but what of you? Oh, but a trifle.
I met Prince Hector.
Here he lies.
Zeus! Was instrumental.
No doubt, no doubt.
But what a year is this for plague; even the strongest might fall! Prince Hector, huh, that he should come to this.
You met him here, you say, as he lay dying? I met him, Odysseus, in single combat.
Oh yes, it's true! And raced him round the walls till down he fell exhausted! A famous victory! I met him face to face, I say! Battled with him for an hour or more until my greater strength overcame him.
Bravo.
But tell me, Lightfoot, what of Zeus? You say he intervened, and then? Why, there he stands! And listens to your mockery.
Oh yes, I find it most interesting.
What! This old man, this threadbare grey pate? Oh come, Achilles! Oh, forgive him, father Zeus! He is but a rough and simple sailor.
Aye, very rough, but scarce as simple as you seem to think.
What have we here? Steven, he's coming in! No, the Doctor will stop him.
I must go out and help.
No, don't! Just a minute Here.
Take this, and wait behind the door, hm? The temple of Zeus, you say? A trifle modest, is it not for so powerful a god! This is my travelling temple.
Being small, it's convenient.
You shall not enter.
Certainly not! In any case, I must be off.
Oh, then will you not stay with us? No, I, er What! You will to the Grecian camp.
If indeed you be Zeus, we have need of your assistance.
Now do not cower there, lads! Zeus is on our side, so Agamemnon keeps insisting.
Bear him up, and let us carry him in triumph to the camp! I am quite capable of walking! Odysseus, I claim the honour to escort him.
Let him walk to camp with me.
You shall have honour enough.
And maybe we shall have a little of the truth.
Father Zeus, we await you! We crave the pleasure of your company at supper and perhaps a tale or two of Aphrodite, eh? I refuse to enter into any kind of vulgar bawdry.
Then you shall tell us why we find you lurking near our lines.
That should prove equally entertaining.
Take him, lads! The two of you there, take up this carrion! Have a care, do not touch me! You will pay for this, Odysseus.
Ha, will I? We shall see.
This much must we do for the Lord Achilles, lest none believe his story! You will not laugh so loud, I think, when Agamemnon hears of this.
I am going after him.
I'm sure he's been taken prisoner.
Oh, come on, the big man was laughing! It didn't look as though the Doctor made a joke.
Anyway, we don't even know where we are.
Well, the Doctor said they were Greeks we're probably in Greece.
Oh, but that would be wonderful, wouldn't it? We might meet the heroes, we might Those men who carried off the Doctor wouldn't be heroes or anything like them.
That's why I've got to go and get him.
Well I'm coming with you.
And how far do you think you can get on that ankle? It's not so bad now, I I'll manage! No, you stay here.
Rest your ankle, watch the scanners, you'll be perfectly safe when you see the Doctor and me coming, open the doors but not otherwise! But Steven No! I want to get to the Doctor before they cut his head off.
Now stay here.
Goodbye! I hope you find the Doctor, that's all.
Now, you drink too much, Menelaus.
I've told you about it before.
Why can't you learn to behave like a king instead of a dropsical old camp follower? Have a little dignity.
Try to remember that you're my brother, can't you? One of the reasons I drink, Agamemnon, is to forget that I am your brother.
Another is this ridiculous Trojan expedition we've been here for ten years! I want to go home.
Besides, I'm not getting any younger.
You won't get any older if you talk to me like that, brother or no brother.
What's the matter with you, man? Don't you want to get Helen back? Don't you don't you want to see your wife again? Quite frankly, no.
If you must know I was heartily glad to see the back of her.
You mustn't talk like that in front of these.
It wasn't the first time she's allowed herself to be abducted.
I can't keep on going off to the ends of the Earth to get her back, it it makes me a laughing stock.
Now you knew perfectly well what she was like before you married her.
Besides, this is a question of honour to get her back.
Family honour, don't you understand? Not not to mention the trade routes through the Bosphorus, of course.
What have they got to do with it? It isn't enough for you that you control the Achean League, is it? Now you want to take over Asia Minor as well only King Priam of Troy stands in your way.
May I remind you that these ambitions would have been served just as well if you had killed Paris in single combat as you were expected to? Yes, but Don't interrupt, Priam would of let this contest settle the issue between us Don't blame me because you've landed us into a full scale war! Yes, but I did challenge Paris, if you remember ten years ago! Fellow wouldn't accept.
Huh! He's just about as cowardly as you are.
For the last time, I am not a coward.
Well in that case, why don't you challenge someone else? Anyone Challenge Hector.
Hector? Hector?! Are you mad? Why, that would be suicide! Well you don't know until you've tried it, do you? You know, I think that's a very good idea of yours! Oh.
So you want to see me killed, is that it? Is nothing sacred to you? A brother's honour.
I hold that more sacred than anything else.
That's why I shall issue the challenge in the morning, on your behalf.
I on my behalf? My king - Hector is dead! What! How did this happen? This very day.
I slew him after an hour or more of single combat.
Oh, you did.
Oh dear.
There's another good idea wasted.
What do you mean, wasted? Here have I been, fight Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! It's only that Menelaus was just about to challenge him.
Now don't think I'm not pleased with what you've done.
I am! Sit down.
Tell us all about it.
But I have other, more important news.
And there isn't much time.
What, more important than the death of Hector? At the height of my battle with Hector, there came a sudden lightning flash.
And Zeus appeared before me.
Zeus? Oh Eh?! It's all right, he's been listening to too muc propaganda, haven't you, Achilles? You mustn't take so much notice of that.
Look, I tell you it's true! He appeared to me from nowhere in the in the shape of a little old man.
Oh! Where is he now, this little old Zeus? He was about to accompany me here when Odysseus and his men arrived.
They took him prisoner.
They what! Odysseus mocked him.
Then they seized him and are bringing him to camp.
I ran ahead to warn you.
You did well.
Perdition take Odysseus! You can't be too careful in matters like this.
He may in fact be Zeus.
Guard! Go find the Lord Odysseus.
Command his presence here.
Who dares command Odysseus? Well, Agamemnon, is it you? Well, we will not quarrel when we have a guest of such importance.
Here's this old man - claims to be our father Zeus, ha! You may rise.
I am most displeased.
Who is in command here? I have that honour.
As I have always understood yet this mountebank Odysseus seems to be a law unto himself.
He makes fun of his guests, and laughs at Zeus! He will be reprimanded if you are indeed who you say you are.
If I am not a god, how do you account for my supernatural knowledge, hm? Knowledge? Of what? I could tell you one or two things that might surprise you.
Ah, name one.
Your wife, for instance, is unfaithful to you.
What! Everyone knows that! I I've never heard it.
Everyone, that is, except you and him, of course! Silence! I will not have my wife's name banded about like that.
Besides, we have no way of checking on your slanderous assertions divinely inspired or no.
What do you advise? Then treat me with honour and return me to my temple, before I really become angry! I tell you, Agamemnon, he has come to help us.
What? If I were an enemy, what could one man do nolne alone and unarmed do against the glory that is Greece, hm? Glory that is Greece? A neat phrase.
The man is a spy.
Deal with him and be brief or I shall undertake it for you.
After I am dead, Odysseus, and only then.
If you so insist, I shall be most happy to oblige, Lightfoot! Silence! This is time for thought, not swordplay.
Well, since my thoughts are of such little account allow me to withdraw! Forgive him, father Zeus.
The man is a boor.
If you command me, I will deal with him No, no, Achilles, leave him! Why try to kill him now when you are in sight of victory? Huh? Do you prophesy as much as that? I could almost guarantee it.
Almost? Oh, not another ten years! But first I would like to know, am I to be treated as a god or as an enemy? If you kill me now, it will probably cost you the war.
Yes, that is so.
On the other hand, if we don't kill you and you are a spy the same thing might happen.
I propose to place you under arrest.
Arrest? But I must return to my TAR er, my temple! A reverent arrest.
You must not be offended.
We shall enjoy the benefit of your experience and your advice and in return you will enjoy our hospitality.
Very well.
Excellent! Do sit down and have a ham bone.
Get thee to thy rest.
Ah, my little Cyclops.
What news, hmm? The stranger? Ah, the other stranger.
Ah, from the temple? Oh, temple! In the camp! You think he is my enemy, eh? You have done well.
Now, my little chatterbox, go back to the temple, see what happens, hm? Get you gone! What have we here? Another god, perhaps? No, I'm just a traveller.
I lost my way and saw the light.
At least the god Apollo to walk invisible past sentries.
Sentries? I saw no sentries.
Oh? Then perhaps they are sleeping with a knife between their ribs.
Shall we go seek them together? Put away your sword, I'm a friend! Mm, but a friend of whom? What do you mean? That that god who feasts yonder, that Trojan spy? I don't know him.
Do you not? We shall see! Move! My prisoner, the god Apollo.
Achilles, will you not worship him? He is a Trojan spy, but of such undoubted divinity he must be spared.
Are you a Trojan? Huh? No, of course not! I'm just a traveller of a sort.
Do you know this man? Only for what he seems to be.
An acquaintance from Olympus, come to meet his father.
My father? I've never seen him before in my life! That's enough! Take him away, Odysseus.
Why should I be troubled with such petty prisoners? Cut out his tongue for insolence, and make an end! Softly now! All-seeing Zeus, you see into our very hearts and know their secrets? Quite so.
Then is this man a spy? I do not know, and I do not care.
Shall he then be put to death? I think it would be much safer on the whole.
Stop! Have you lost your senses? Now we have it! On second thoughts, you think we should release him to return to Troy.
Do not mock me, my Lord Odysseus! Would you stain the tent of Agamemnon's with a Trojan's blood? I claim this man as a sacrifice to Olympus! Bring him to my temple in the plain at sunrise in the morning, and I will show you a miracle.
A miracle! Oh, that would be most satisfactory.
Convincing proof, I would say.
What sort of miracle would I will strike him with a bolt from heaven! Very spectacular, ha! Ah, what's this? Who's this? Release him.
All right, Odysseus, who is this man? My Cyclops, my little servant.
So Well, can't he speak? Alas no more.
For once he spoke too loud for comfort, and stammered on a knife.
But he speaks to me.
Get you gone and wait for me.
Thunder at the temple tomorrow, did you say? Yes, I did.
Our weather is so unpredictable.
If there is no thunder on the plain, I have a sword will serve for two as well as one.
Your "temple", as you call it, has disappeared! Disappeared? Vanished into thin air!