Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e21 Episode Script

Mommy! Mommy! Stan's gonna be in a Talent Show! There's a competition in the park, and I let Chloe and Stan sign up.
What's his talent? Jumping up on a chair and grabbing the hamburger meat out of my hands? He's really good at that.
You time that wrong, all you get is a mouthful of bony wrist.
But don't be disappointed if he doesn't win.
It's not like Stan has any sort of special talents.
Tyler, we are gonna need you to take Chloe to the park in a couple of days for the Animal Talent Show.
The winner gets to be in a pet food commercial with their dog.
Yeah, but it's not like we're gonna win.
Stan has no talent.
Tyler! You are gonna help your sister with this because we are a family and we support each other.
Stan is so smart, we'll win for sure! Ha! Girls will see me in a TV commercial and I'll be like "That's right, I'm on TV, girls".
All my friends will see me on a TV commercial and I'll be like "That's right, I'm on TV, girls".
Cute poodles will see me in a TV commercial and I'll be like "Woof!" And they'll be like, "woof!" Because that's how I play the ladies.
It would be so cool to win the Talent Show and do a commercial.
Stan Stan Stan.
Wait, what am I selling here? Oh, right.
Kibble.
I mean Kibble.
Avery, come on, you're gonna be late for the Internet safety assembly.
You love safety assemblies.
The fun ones, like "how to take control of a runaway bus".
Or "sneezing into your arm to avoid a pandemic".
But my Dad is the one speaking.
He's lecturing on the dangers of the Internet because he wrote one of his parenting books about it.
Achoo! Into your arm! It is so embarrassing having your parents at school.
I know.
That time I broke my ankle in gym, I didn't call my mom because I knew she'd come pick me up.
Hey, by any chance did you bring your Embarrassment hat with the big floppy brim that covers your face? Avery, the assembly's over.
You can take that off now.
So, your Dad is the Internet Sheriff, huh? Yeah, that's him.
"Lame Dad at backslash dot hide me in a hat".
He has such stupid rules.
No social network sites until you're fifteen? You must be the only one in our grade who's not on BuddyBop.
How do you share pictures and videos Texting? No.
I have the drugstore print doubles.
Ha ha ha! Course I'm on BuddyBop.
I mean, I'd have to be pretty lame to be the only kid in the whole grade not, on BuddyBop, right? Cool.
What's your screen name? Oh, um My screen name is, uh, "Lincolnrussiauglysweater".
We'll BuddyBop you after school.
Great.
Avery, you're not on BuddyBop.
Those girls are gonna bop "Lincolnrussiauglysweater" after school What are you gonna do? Race home and open an account without my parents finding out before those girls go online? I just hope no one's taken the name "Lincolnrussiauglysweater".
I think that's the one thing you don't have to worry about.
Go! Off, off, off.
Off off off off off off.
Oh! That's BuddyBop.
You're not allowed on BuddyBop! This is teenager stuff.
You'll understand when you're older.
Mommy always says that too.
I'm gonna be real smart when I'm older.
Hey, Ave.
Hey! What? Nothing.
I'm doing my homework.
Oh.
I was just gonna ask how your father's talk at school today went.
Great.
Inspiring.
It actually got me lots of attention.
Kids came up to me that I've never even seen before and said things.
That's great! I'm gonna encourage him to do his talk "My body's changing what's up with that?" All right, there we go.
Got my account set up.
Buddy bop.
Buddy bop.
Buddy bop.
Whoa, just in time.
I'm getting a ton of bops.
What's the big deal about showing pictures to your friends? It's very important.
You can see each other's pictures and then make clever comments on them.
"Love your feet".
Exclam.
See? Is that important enough to kick your sister off the chair and lie to mommy? Wow.
I did that, didn't I? I guess I just got so caught up in wanting to fit in I didn't really see it that way.
But to answer your question, yes.
Yes it is that important.
Oh, good, you're here.
We're trying to figure out what I'm doing for the Talent Show tomorrow.
We have to find something great you can do without letting people know you can talk.
Hmm I've got it! Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, or close the wall up with our English dead.
That's great, Stan, but In peace that's nothing so becomes a man as modest stillness and humility.
Stan, you can't But when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger.
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage! It's Shakespeare.
Henry V.
You can't talk.
I wasn't talking.
I was acting.
More like overacting.
Yeah, that's right.
The judges are gonna say "Let's not give it to the dog reciting Shakespeare.
His performance was a bit broad".
Stan, that's still talking.
Oh.
I've got an even better idea.
She was groomed and shaved to look like a Goddess.
With comely curves comprising her bodice.
She's the poodle from Pasadena.
She makes all the dogs go "woof".
Makes those cuckoo dogs go "woof".
She makes me go woof.
She makes me go woof.
Yeah, try the kibble.
- No! - No! I'm not talking, I'm singing.
Oh right.
Perfect.
All right posted.
- Hey, sweetheart.
- Hey! What? Nothing.
I'm doing homework.
Okay.
So, what did you think of my talk this morning? Great.
I learned so much about Internet safety.
Buddy bop.
- What was that? - What was what? Buddy bop.
That sound.
Avery, are you on that social network site, what's it called? Buddy bop.
When you minimize the screen, it should minimize the sound! Avery, I can't believe you went behind our backs and defied us! You always follow the rules.
Why would you do this? Exactly! I'm a good kid! I don't do anything wrong! So you should trust me to be responsible online.
Honey, it's not that we don't trust you.
We don't trust the other people who are out there.
That's why we have these rules in our family.
You never know who you're gonna meet on the Internet.
- You met mom on the Internet.
- When I was forty.
Your profile said you were thirty-eight.
Can we please get back on track here, "outdoorsy free spirit with no kids"? You will make better decisions when you're older.
Dad, it's not fair! I'm the only kid in my grade who's not allowed on BuddyBop! And just because my Dad is "the Internet Sheriff".
I want your computer, and your phone, and your BuddyBop password so we can shut down your account.
We'll discuss the rest of your punishment later.
Uh! They call me "the Sheriff".
Okay, this is definitely gonna win us the Talent Show.
- Ready to rehearse? - Ready! No, this looks cool when they do it on the Internet.
In person it's just weird.
Yeah, you're right, it weird.
Don't you have another talent beside talking? There is one gift I possess, but I dare not speak its name.
Tango.
Darn! I spoke it's name! Tango? You mean, like dancing? No! It's nothing like Oh, wait, you said dancing? Then yes.
So you'll do that for the Talent Show? No.
Something terrible happened and I will never again hold a rose in my teeth.
That's what you do when you Tango.
Dang it! I said "Tango" again! I mean, when you dance that alluring dance, Tango Dang it! So what now? Let's think about it over lunch.
Hey, mommy.
Looking good.
Oh Hey, hon, you remember when I got my new phone and we took silly pictures of ourselves? The pictures you promised you would delete? Yeah, these.
You said they made me look like a constipated howler monkey.
I never said that.
Some of them made you look constipated, some of them made you look like a howler monkey.
I mean, what would a constipated howler monkey even look like? Oh, here.
What have you been doing with these? I'm teaching Avery a lesson about the downside of social networking.
Instead of closing her BuddyBop page, I posted these pictures on it.
Oh, Bennett, now you've gone too far.
This is really going to embarrass her.
Well, I'd rather her be a little embarrassed now than be in real danger later from a bad decision.
I don't know what's worse You not deleting these or using me as a weapon against our daughter.
I used both of us! It's a double-barrel! Kind of like your nose in this picture.
And "delete".
Chase your tail! Chase your tail! This is gonna be our big finish! Commando crawl! Whoa! Remember, buddy, this is just the dress rehearsal.
Save a little something for tonight.
There's your winner right there! Yeah, you may as well tell the other acts to go home.
Seriously, could you please tell them to go home? Those aren't dogs they're small, hairy acrobats! Flip! Flip! Give it up.
We're toast.
We're gonna be laughed off the stage.
- Not if I - Tango? I was gonna say jump through a flaming hoop while playing the accordion.
- You can that?! - No, but wouldn't it be great? Please, Stan, you've gotta Tango.
It's our only chance.
- Fine.
I'll Tango.
- Yes! I'm gonna need a sparkly shirt, straight-cut trousers, three poodles and a rose.
Wait.
What are the poodles for? You don't think I'm going to the after-party alone, do ya? I have never been so embarrassed in my life.
Thanks to those stupid pictures that you guys posted on my page, no one would sit with me at lunch Not even Dirty Myron, who has earthworms living in his hair! I wouldn't sit with her either.
Sorry.
Sometimes I just want so badly to fit in Yet I keep wearing the hats.
Well, I'm sorry you had a bad day, but I hope you learned your lesson.
I did.
I'll never do anything like that ever again.
I can't believe you did that to our daughter, you have crushed her spirit! I can't believe my parents thought that I was really embarrassed! Or that I really have doubts about my hats! They have no idea they're the ones everyone's laughing at.
Avery, your parents are so lame! I know! Ha ha ha! You just high-fived Dirty Myron.
I know.
Now my hand smells like a foot! Bennett! I fixed everything! Come see! The more I thought about Avery being embarrassed at school, the more upset I got, so I posted this on her page.
Buddy bop.
Ooh.
Looks like your parents posted something else to your page.
Cool! Let's see what we're gonna be making fun of at school tomorrow.
This is a message from Avery's mama bear to anyone who wouldn't sit with my little girl at lunch.
What is wrong with you? You wouldn't do that if you knew her like I do.
She's sweet, she's gentle When she was a baby I used to call her my little A-Bunny because her little bottom looked just like a little cotton tail and her poops looked like tiny little raisins.
Ah! What did I do?! Ah! What did she do?! Ellen, this is ten times worse than the pictures I posted! I was upset! I didn't think it through! Help me get this off here! How do you unpost? - I don't know! - If Avery's friends see this I'll never be able to show my face again! Did you really poop little raisins? I can't believe that my mom is The crazy mom who posted the embarrassing video.
Look out! Here comes crazy mom! Mwaaahhh! - I think you just recorded that.
- No! I think you just posted it! - Ah! - Ah! - Ah! - Ah! What is she doing to me?! It'll be fine, we'll just, um, delete the page before anyone sees it.
Buddy bop.
Buddy bop.
Buddy bop.
Buddy bop.
- No! - No! - What are you doing?! - We don't know! - Well, stop! - I don't know how to work this! It's like when I rented the power hedge clippers The Johnsons still think their son shaved their cat.
You just posted that! - What?! - Ah! Turning off the monitor does nothing! Fifteen hundred people have already seen it.
Wow, the Internet is a really fast and efficient way to disseminate information! Okay, there.
My page is deleted.
As is my life.
Lindsay, I'll see ya tomorrow.
Oh, you're coming to school tomorrow? Wow.
How could you do this? No one's gonna want to hang out with me, I'll never have a boyfriend, I'll end up married to Dirty Myron and you'll end up with dirty grandchildren.
And we will love them just the same.
You ruined my life! You ruined your own life.
This never even would have happened if you hadn't gone on that BuddyBop in the first place.
- Yeah, take some responsibility.
- I am never speaking to you again.
Except to say this! What's for dinner, and did you pick up my ties from the dry cleaners? Chicken.
And here! Chicken again? Really? Ooh Woo! Ooh! Woo! Woo! Woo! All right, you ready, Stan? We're up next.
I can't.
I thought I could do it, but I can't.
The taste of the rose in my mouth again brings back too many memories.
And really, couldn't you find one without thorns? Stan, what happened that makes you feel this way? I told you it's too painful, I can't talk about it.
So I'll just show you my slide show.
The crowd loved us.
We were dancing up a storm.
And then, it happened She sneezed, and my pants flew off! Everyone laughed.
Parents wrote letters.
I've never been so humiliated.
But Stan, you never wear pants.
Not anymore.
Not after that night.
Next up, Stan and Chloe! Stan, we're up.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
This isn't just about winning some stupid Talent Show.
If you don't overcome this fear now, it'll haunt you forever.
Stan and Chloe? Stan? May I cut in? Avery, are you okay? How was school today? Was everyone talking about the video? Yeah, they called me A-Bunny, and wherever I went, people dropped raisins behind me.
But then 23 kids threw up at lunch, which changed the topic of conversation.
Thank you, expired milk! Ah, so you're talking to me again.
I just got over two dozen emails from our friends about all those embarrassing pictures I posted.
They were supposed to embarrass Avery, not us.
You know, we had a great lecture at school.
The expert said, "when you post something online, you lose control over it".
Why didn't I listen to me? You know, you guys, I've been thinking, and I owe you an apology.
I never should have joined BuddyBop and broken your rule.
It was irresponsible and disrespectful.
Are you just saying this because you want your phone and computer back? Mostly.
Do I get points for being honest? Listen Avery, I hope you understand that our rules about the Internet, are to protect you.
He's right sweetheart, everything we've done has come from love Love and fear and a little bit of ignorance but mostly love.
I know.
And I'll follow your rules.
Partly because I know what you're looking out for me and, partly because you're so crazy, if I go behind your backs again there's no telling what you'll do.
Just knowing your daughter feels that way is all a mother could ask.
Can you believe that someone left all this unopened milk in the cafeteria? Score! The night of the Talent Show I danced as I had never danced before.
I put the past behind me it was glorious! Until I lost to a talking dog.
Hello.
I love you.
Everyone thought it was so cute so he looked like he was talking.
That's not talking! And when I ran into him backstage after, he could not have been more snotty about it.
I love you.
How can you love me? You don't even know me.
I love you.
You don't even know what love is! I love you! You don't love me.
You love the idea of me.
I love you.
Okay, I love you too.