Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e04 Episode Script

You want it, boy? You want it? You wanna get it? - You want the ball? - Avery, think fast! I said think fast.
Thinking has nothing to do with catching.
Which is what I was thinking when the ball came hurtling at me at an outdoor speed.
Okay, are we ready to take Stan to the vet for his check-up? What?! You guys! Don't use the "V" word around him.
You're freaking him out.
Come on, kids, it's not like Stan understands what we're saying.
You don't speak human do you? You speak dog! Woof, woof! Please, Ellen, that's just gibberish.
I don't know whether there's someone at the door or you're hungry or what.
You know, Stan understands a lot more than you think.
Just like Tyler.
I know you're trying to insult me, but I'm very comfortable with how little I understand.
I know, son.
We've all seen your test scores.
Look, we'll just trick Stan by telling him that we're going for a walk in the park.
Come on, Stan, let's go to the park! Yep, Vaccination Park on Needle Boulevard.
Not helping! Smoothie truck! Smoothie truck! Can I get one?! Chloe, you are obsessed with those smoothies! I'm not hurting anyone! Sorry, it's been two hours since my last smoothie.
Well, they are healthy.
What should we get? Banana Blitzkrieg? A Day At The Peach? Strawberried Alive? - None of them are called that.
- Well, they should be.
No way they're taking me to the vet! No, Stan.
They were just kidding around.
We all know that you're way too smart to fall for those silly tricks.
Ah, of course I am.
Thank you, Avery.
Truth is we're going to the house of smelly shoes! Yes! How awesome is that?! Why do I keep falling for this?! I will never forget this betrayal, Avery.
Smelly shoe? You have always been good to me.
Hey, good to see you guys.
Dr.
Young.
He's a laugh-a-minute.
Now, which one of you is the dog? I didn't say he was funny.
He just laughs every minute.
Oh, that thing where you say which one of us is the dog, that never gets old! Just like you, Dr.
Young.
Hey, are you remembering to breathe like we talked about, Chloe? Your face is bright red.
Ugh.
There's a banana wad stuck in the straw.
Why you gotta do me like that, bananas? So, let's start the examination.
Open up.
Tyler, he means you! I'm not the dog.
Do you know your dog can talk?! Ha, ha, ha, that's hilarious.
- It's a joke.
- Who told you?! Okay, now it's really time to start the examination.
Let's get down to the boring part.
Ah, don't sell yourself short.
I've been bored since I got here.
Oh, by the way, Dr.
Young, I brought you a "Stool sample".
We all had to jam in the car so she could do that joke.
Time for your booster shot.
This won't hurt at all won't hurt me! He's so funny! It's like a comedy club in here! Not really laugh-out-loud funny.
You just don't appreciate comedy like I do.
Ow! You're jealous of the comedian rapport we have.
What was that? - That was me.
- My bad.
I belched.
We're all very close to Stan.
- We have a very deep connection.
- I belch like a sea lion.
Stan looks great for his age.
He's got at least another You know, that makes sense.
I eat right, I exercise.
Of course, that's only nine human years.
What?! Why did I waste so much time eating right and exercising?! Only nine more years? I had no idea.
I have so little time left and what have I accomplished? Look at this dog.
He's done so much with his life.
Nine years, Avery.
Nine years.
I'm really sorry, Stan.
I mean, I understand why it upsets you.
But do you really want to spend those nine years worrying about how little time you have left? No.
I'd like to spend 200 years worrying about how little time I have left.
You have a great life.
You're worrying about this too much.
- Am I, Avery? Am I? - Yes.
Oh, I thought you might change your position because I seemed so emphatic.
Did you, Stan? Did you? Now that's how you do emphatic.
That was good! See, you're gonna do great things you'll be remembered for.
- But what about me? - Are you talking about leaving a legacy? Yes, I want to achieve something that'll live after me.
But what? Well, this stain on the carpet sure looks like it'll be here forever.
And don't think I'm not proud of that.
But somehow, it's just not enough.
Why don't you take up painting like I have, Stan? A lot of famous painters are remembered for their art.
Avery, I could paint my whole life and never top what I did on your carpet.
Why don't other dogs worry about how much time they have? They're not like you.
You're the only talking dog.
Wait, that's it! That's my legacy! Okay, everyone's asleep.
Time to record my legacy for future generations.
Ah oh, hello, world.
I didn't see you there.
I'm Stan.
The first ever talking dog.
Okay, if everyone is done freaking out over the fact that I am the world's first talking dog My porpoise in doing this Wait, did I did I just say "porpoise"? I can't believe I said that.
Porpoise? Porpoise.
That's silly.
My philosophy of life can be summed up with these words As I was saying, my philosophy of life Excuse me while I go put the ow in meow.
- Bennett, am I crazy - Yes.
You didn't let me finish.
Am I crazy for thinking it would be a good idea if I got a job? No, of course not.
I think that would be wonderful.
Great, because our Vet, Dr.
Young, is looking for an assistant.
Oh, then I'm back to "you're crazy".
Why? Honey, you are terrible with animals.
What?! My text tone is a duck.
Honey, I did not say you're terrible with animal sounds.
I said you're terrible with animals.
Remember what happened when you got a bird? Come here, Lucy.
Come to Mommy.
Protect your eyes! Isn't she the cutest, sweetest thing? Oh, she had a little accident on my head again.
Nope, false alarm.
Just blood.
It's funny, she thinks I'm a field mouse.
The doctor deals with the animals.
I'll be dealing with the people that come in.
I'm good with people, right? Let's assume for a second that you are.
Honey, why do you even want this job? Oh, it's a fun place to work.
We'd laugh all day.
It'd be a hoot Especially if an owl got sick.
Ha! Good one, Ellen.
Are you getting a job as his assistant or as his opening act? His assistant.
I'm not good enough to be his opening act.
Am I? Let's assume for a second that you are.
You having a job surrounded by animals is just a bad idea.
You are gonna quit before the first day is even done.
And then I'm gonna be put in the awkward position of having to decide whether I say "I told you so".
Or do I just text you "ITYS"? Is that even a thing? Should I start it? You are going to feel so stupid when this job works out, and I get to text you "YDGTTMS" "You didn't get to tell me so".
Maybe I'll start that! Yeah, that'll catch on.
Good morning, Stan.
Good morning? No.
Great morning! I feel alive! Everything smells better, looks better, tastes better! Have you been outside? All the colors are so vivid! - Stan, dogs are color blind.
- I know.
The grass is so gray, the sun is so white, and the bluebirds are so black! What is going on? I haven't seen you this up since that time you pooped under the couch.
That was an amazing accomplishment.
One of my best tricks.
How'd you do that, anyway? Can't say.
If I told you, I'd spoil the mystery.
You moved the couch, went, then moved the couch back? - Nope.
- Did it involve a tube of some kind? Nope.
It was always there, wasn't it? - You're not gonna get it.
- So why are you so happy? Oh, no reason.
Only that my legacy is fully assured.
That's all.
I made a little video last night where I told the world about me! - Wait, what?! - But you can't do that.
I know nobody can see it while I'm still alive, or I'll be taken away and experimented on.
But when I'm gone, the recording can be released and my fame will live on long after me.
Since the dawn of time, humanity has faced many troubles Accomplished remarkable feats And amassed a huge library of stock footage But nothing in all of human history has prepared it for this Ah oh, hello, world.
I didn't see you there.
I'm Stan.
Oh, yeah! Stan, what did you do? What if that video gets out? You can't just leave a recording like that lying around.
I didn't just leave it lying around.
I left it in the camera in the family room on the tripod.
Oh, boy.
Oh, good, it's still here.
We have to delete the memory card before mom and dad find it.
Good idea.
You don't want mom and dad to find out what you did.
Okay! Great work, everyone! If this had been a real cover up and not a drill, we would've been caught, so we're gonna have to shave about ten seconds off our time.
But thank you, dad, for helping out.
Hey, dad, everyone! Let's give him a hand! - Give it up for dad! - All right! What did you do? What could we have done? When have we ever done anything bad with the camera? Milk carton.
Kitchen table.
Glue.
Listen, your mom is out applying for a job.
- She what? - Don't ask.
And I've got a patient waiting.
When mom gets back We are gonna find out exactly what is on this tape and exactly what you have done.
Did you hear that? He said "tape".
What is this, 2005? Stan's secret is in jeopardy and that's what you're thinking about? Thank you, Avery.
But "tape"? Where does he get his news from? A newspaper? I know, right? Oh, that's good.
So, Ellen.
Have a seat.
Oh, wish I had my stool sample.
So, I see your last job was at Tower Records, and then there seems to be a bit of a gap here.
Well, I was room parent for three years running and team snack mom until the fermenting incident.
But I think this job will be a great fit, because I really love animal puns.
So it would be purr-fect fur me to work here with ewe.
Ooh, that's a double! Actually, I was spelling "you" e-w-e; The female sheep.
Triple! You're hired, kid! Goat joke! If you're available, you can start right now.
You've had your shots, right? No, I'm serious.
A lot of these animals have diseases.
This won't hurt Me! That's not funny anymore.
He's trying to pull my nose into his shell! He's not even a snapping turtle.
He must really hate you.
There's a ferret up my pant leg! She's just looking for someplace warm to have her babies.
I've never seen such a large pool of sick.
I'm sorry, doctor, that's what happens when I get scared.
Well, that's it.
My letter of resignation.
I hope you're happy, Jerry.
You and all your filthy, terrifying animal friends have driven me away from my calling of working with animals.
Hey, pretty lady.
Just brought you some lunch on your first day of work.
Or am I taking you home now? I've got "ITYS" all locked and loaded.
Just have to hit send.
No, not taking me anywhere, not hitting send.
Just hanging here with my new best friend, Jerry, as he digests his lunch.
Oh, is that a mouse in its throat? No, it's my cell phone.
So any texts you send to me will go to Jerry.
Well, I'm glad you're having fun.
I guess I was wrong.
Yes, you were.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
So thank you for the lunch, but we're very busy today.
- Okay, see you at home.
- Okay.
Well, Jerry, it looks like I'm stuck here for awhile.
Jerry? Jerry? Is that the phone ringing? It's coming from inside the snake! All right, if we want to protect Stan's secret, we have to get that camera back from dad before he sees that Stan can talk.
I'm sorry, guys, it's my fault.
I wanted so bad to leave a legacy.
It's okay, Stan.
We just need some clever ideas.
Let's hear them.
We could release a honey badger in his office.
He'd forget all about us.
Nobody messes with a honey badger.
Where would we get a honey badger? "Bed, Badger, and Beyond".
That's not a store.
Then who keeps sending me the 20% off coupons? Okay, any other ideas? Maybe something, I don't know, possible? It's too bad we just can't walk in there and take the camera while Daddy's visiting Mommy at her new job.
Wait, dad's not here? We could just walk in there and take the camera? Why didn't you tell us? You said we needed a clever plan.
Walking in there's not clever.
It's barely a plan.
I didn't know goldfish could bite someone.
They can't.
They don't have teeth.
I don't know how this happened.
Well, this has been a challenging day, but I'm sure the worst is behind me.
How could it not be? Oh, our next client is on the way in.
One of our clients found this lovely parrot in the park.
- Ellen can't cook! - Lucy.
Lucy.
Not again! Again! Again! Are you okay? No, I am not okay.
Whenever it comes to me and animals, things just go horribly wrong.
Like that parrot who's just waiting up there for me to come out, so she can gouge out my eyes or rip out my throat, or say hurtful things about me! But I can't quit because my husband will say "I told you so".
Would you like me to fire you? Would you? That would be amazing! It would be my pleasure.
What do I have to do? Yell at a client? Steal something? No, what you have done already is just fine.
This is called "gross incompetence".
"Gross incompetence" I like the sound of that.
Gross incompetence.
All right, we got it, now let's delete it.
Are you kidding? If we delete it, dad'll see that there's nothing on it and figure out we deleted it.
We have to give them something.
I get it.
We have to replace Stan's recording with another recording that we'd want to hide from mom and dad.
How are you ahead of me on this? I don't listen in class and I never do homework.
That leaves my brain free for plans, schemes, and things so crazy they just might work.
Okay, so what do we record to replace Stan? Something bad enough that when they see it, they say, "what is wrong with you?" But not so bad that they try to fix you.
The worst is when dad lets you know it's okay to cry By crying.
No, the worst is when dad sneaks into my room to analyze my art wall.
Sometimes I paint headless clowns just to mess with him.
Those are the nights I can't sleep in your room.
Chloe, where were you? Getting my smoothie from the fridge.
I figured two people and a talking dog could pick up a camera in an empty room.
Did you need a little girl? Ah.
I'm home.
Oh, you're home early.
And send.
The joke's on you.
I told you I don't have my phone.
Jerry?! Did you eat a duck?! And you don't get to say "I told you so" because I didn't quit.
I was fired.
Gross incompetence.
Ha! Who feels stupid now? All right, let's find out what you kids have been hiding.
Avery, I know that mom and dad would not approve of us playing kitchen tennis.
Whoa! What?! Chloe, why are you recording us doing that which we are forbidden to do? Notice that she said "recording," not "taping".
You see, taping is something people used to do before 2005 when there was actually tape in the cameras.
Hey, Tyler, watch out for that vase of flowers over there! We'd get in a lot of trouble if we hit that with the ball! Whoops! Oh, man, I missed! Stan! Hey, I know that wasn't part of the plan, but I see a ball, I'm going for it.
Oh, my gosh, is that how I run? Stan! Oh, no! Not the table! - Oh! - Oh, watch out! Huh.
That'll work, too, I guess.
That's it.
No TV for a week.
- What?! - No! Is it because of my poor camera work? Avery, I do not know what is going on with you, but I' am going to look very carefully at your art wall tonight.
So, what do you think the kids really did that they're trying to cover up with that ridiculous video? Probably something a whole lot worse, but I don't want to know about it, I've had the worst day.
I have been bitten, scratched, mauled, and puked on.
And only one of those was self-inflicted.
I'm really sorry guys, if I hadn't made that video none of this would have been necessary and you wouldn't be paying for it.
It's okay, Stan.
Anything is worth keeping your secret safe.
Yeah, you being here makes up for any punishment.
Being with you guys is all that matters to me, too.
You know what? That's my legacy.
You live on in the hearts of those whose lives you touch, don't you? - Well, until they die.
- Tyler! Not helping.
Besides, Stan, no one knows how long talking dogs live.
Maybe you'll live way longer than regular dogs.
- Or maybe way shorter.
- Tyler! It's true I don't know how long I have, but however long it is, my legacy is the people I love.
Now I'm gonna go onto the Bed, Badgers, and Beyond site and print a return label.
That's the problem with these discount coupons.
You end up buying badgers you don't really need.
Where'd they go? Oh, boy.
There's badgers in my robe! Whoa! Cool! I did live way longer than regular dogs! I even outlived Planet Earth! Oh, no! I'm being sucked into a black hole! Okay, that makes a lot more sense.