Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e09 Episode Script

Let me guess.
You're painting a cat's soul.
I'm painting my mood.
Wow, Avery.
I've never seen you this down.
But don't worry, I know how to cheer you up.
I'm your furry fun technician Here to fix your disposition Pouting can be infantile Time to make that infant smile Jazz paws! Nothin'? Really? You always smile at jazz paws.
I really messed up with Wes.
This is where Avery went on and on about how she was tutoring Wes in Spanish to get close to him.
But she doesn't know Spanish.
So when he asked her out in Spanish, she didn't know what he was saying and turned him down.
So now she's really bummed.
Really bummed.
Okay, well, just go tell Wes there was a misunderstanding.
That's what I would do if I were in your shoes.
In fact, I am in your shoes! What?! How did this happen? Yeah.
Check it out.
Hoo! There's the shaker.
You getting this? Boom! Wow, I feel so much better.
Wow, that's hard.
Try doing it without proper knees.
Maybe I do just tell Wes the truth.
Tht was just a misunderstanding.
That should be easy.
You should call him right now.
No.
I have time.
This just happened yesterday.
It's not like he's just gonna walk up to someone else and say "do you want to go out with me?" Do you want to go out with me? You want me to go out with you? Yeah.
Oh, snap! Driz-ama.
It's like a drama-cano erupted and now we're all living in a drama-cracy.
Now let's see how we got there.
Boh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, it was my fault.
I wasn't looking where I was going.
And usually I staple my hats on.
I'm kidding, gross.
Okay, one time, and only to my hair.
Thanks.
Oh, Lindsay, it's you.
I didn't recognize you without your hat.
So I guess you heard, Avery totally shot me down.
I thought Avery really liked you.
I kind of thought so, too, but I guess she changed her mind.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thanks.
You're really cool.
Do you want to go out with me? You want me to go out with you? Yeah, I have two tickets to the movie in the park this weekend.
It'll be fun.
I guess if Avery's not interested anymore I'd love to.
Are you cold? I get happy chills.
It's normal.
Not really.
But for me.
Well, I'm happy too.
That's not normal for me.
I will see you later.
Bye! Hey, Lindsay, have you seen Wes? I really need to talk to him.
This is where Avery tells Lindsay what happened when Wes asked her out.
Spanish book, Spanish book.
Lindsay says what happened when Wes asked her out.
Happy chills, chily and she's all "what the what?" And she's all "I know, right?" And you said yes? Well, I guess I should have talked to you first, but I was kind of stunned and he put me on the spot and stop happy chilling! Happy chills? Is it because I'm here? I do light up a room.
Wes asked Lindsay out and she said yes.
What does everyone see in this charming handsome Wes guy? I go for weird.
Give me someone who doesn't shower and laughs at inappropriate times.
Sup.
So, Lindsay, now that you know that I turned Wes down by mistake, you can't go out with him.
Right? I mean, I'm the one who had the crush on him this whole time, right? Right? Right, you're the one who had the crush.
That's the upside of weird dudes.
There's plenty to go around and nobody fights over them.
Are you okay with this, Linds? Yeah, yeah, it's no big deal.
It's just, you know, I got asked out by a cute boy.
That's like finding a dollar bill on the ground And then finding the person who dropped it.
You're like, "ooh, a dollar!" And then you're like, "oh, here.
" And that person would have said "thank you so much!" You never would have felt right spending that dollar.
And I would have said, "wow.
It's just a dollar.
" Hey, Dad, you wanted to talk to me? Yep, it's something pretty cool.
My cool or your cool? What's the difference? One is cool.
I just got off the phone with my publishing company about my new fathers and sons book called Fathers And Sons.
- They wanted to pitch me some cover ideas.
- Better titles? Anyways I told them that I wasn't interested in their pitches because I already had a cover idea of my own, a picture of the author and his son.
But you're the author and I'm your son.
I know.
Pretty cool, huh? They fought me on it, but I won.
You see, son, when you really want something, you do not take "no," or "no, are you serious?" Or "no, what is this, some kind of vanity project?" For an answer.
So my picture will be on your book? No, son.
Our picture will be on my book.
What pose do you think? Action.
Surprised.
Bulls locking horns.
Pointing at an unknown object.
Two guys just tickling each other.
Dad, stop! Listen, Dad, about this cover thing, all my friends will see it and I know, son.
It's a dream come true for me, too.
Hey, guys.
I can say that 'cause you're guys.
If you were girls, I'd say "hey, powerful women.
" My teacher Pam taught me that.
She's a powerful woman.
And I am, too.
Chloe, you are so cute.
This face here would sell so many books.
You don't want this rotten cantaloupe driving down sales.
Chloe can't be on the cover.
It's book about fathers and sons.
So it's because I'm a girl? That's sexist.
You're what Pam calls "the problem.
" Sweetie, this isn't sexist, it's a book about sons.
And Tyler is my son.
So if I was a boy, I could be on it? Yes.
Sounds sexist to me.
I see you're getting ready for your school presentation.
Susan B.
Anthony costume is looking great.
Susan B.
Anthony wouldn't care about looking great.
She just cared about women getting the vote.
But thank you, 'cause I've been working so hard on it.
I remember when I dressed up like Annie Oakley.
Not for school.
It was for a commercial selling cowhide rugs.
Howdy, partners.
Ow! Boy, do we have a range of great rugs out here on the Rug Ranch.
Ow! So mosey on over.
We won't steer you wrong.
Ow! Come on! Down to the Rug Ranch.
Sounds less like Annie Get Your Gun and more like "Annie, get your life together.
" It was definitely a wake-up call.
Oh, if you're heading out that way, can you take this outside so the sun can give it a weathered look? It's that kind of attention to detail that gets you an invite to the teachers' lounge for coffee cake and inappropriate gossip about the other students.
Hey, Avery.
I'm all set to work on our presentation and I've got wigs! And they were free! They look free.
And they smell like the harbor.
So how did it go with Wes? Was it hard? Did he understand? Should I call him now to tell him I'll go out with him or wait till tomorrow? Free from, like, a person or, like, a lost-and-found? A person.
And wait till tomorrow.
I actually haven't talked to Wes yet.
Oh? What's the hold up? Well, I just wanted to enjoy the fact that I was asked out on a date for a couple more hours.
But I'll talk to him, I promise.
Free from a sea captain? Or a dock worker? They just reek of low tide.
Hey, can I ask you for some advice? Who are you talking to, sweetie? You.
Me? You want to ask me for advice? So can I ask you for some advice? I don't know.
You've never done it before.
You usually go to your dad because he's the "professional" and "not prone to emotional outbursts.
" Actually, I can't go to Dad this time because it's about him.
Well, that takes some of the wind out of my sails, but I can row! Okay, shoot.
No, wait, let me get a notepad.
No, you know, I want to make eye contact.
I'll just record this on my phone.
Yeah, I don't know how to do that on my phone.
We'll go old school.
You talk, I listen.
I am so nervous.
Are you nervous? Mom, look.
I really don't want to hurt Dad's feelings but I don't want to be on the cover of his book.
This will be the most humiliating thing that's ever happened to me.
Gosh, my first instinct is just to tell you to go talk to him, but that's too easy.
I want to advise you so good that when I'm a grandma, your children will feel well-advised.
Good one, Nana.
So let me just really think about it and get back to you.
Okay, Nana.
No, not Nana, not yet.
I know I said that, but I'm too young, too young.
So here's my idea for our presentation.
I'll be Susan B.
Anthony.
Wait, if you have this all figured out already, then why did I bring these wigs? I know, it didn't make sense to me either.
Well, I thought we could brainstorm on ideas together.
Maybe we could be two of Susan's followers who tell the story of how she devoted her life to getting women the vote.
Okay.
Or I could be Susan B.
Anthony because I have the costume.
Or I could be Susan B.
Anthony because I'm not getting the vote.
Look, Linds.
I'm sorry that I did this without you.
But it's not like I've got everything figured out.
I just did this costume.
And that costume.
Your dog even has a costume? Yeah, doesn't he look amazing? Well, I've got the figure to pull off just about anything.
Stan is going to be Susan B.
Anthony's dog.
So when I recite her line about how women without the vote might as well be dogs baying at the moon, Stan will dramatize it by howling.
We'll get first place.
Ooh, unless Toby Pointer dresses up as Nixon and does the splits.
It's not historically accurate, but he can put on a show.
This is just like our presentation on Lewis and Clark.
When you played Lewis and Clark.
And Sacajawea! And I was a buffalo.
You hunted me for meat! You kept us alive, Lindsay.
We used every part of you.
And you have a very important job this time.
You're gonna be the reporter who asks me questions.
Well, okay, I guess that could be fun.
What costume will I wear? Anything you want.
You'll be offstage with a mic.
You could even get some more use out of your buffalo costume.
So the dog has a bigger part than I do? How did that happen? It was a very arduous audition process.
Hi, I'm Stan.
I'll be reading the role of Miss Doralee Gilley from the 1980 film "The Executary.
" I thought I'd dealt with my last pig when I left the farm, but I was wrong, Mr.
Coleman.
I was wrong! You're nothing but an eye winkin', girl chasin', male chauvinist Thank you.
I can also do that as a valley girl, if you want.
Okay, so I figured out everything before you got here.
Usually you don't mind that.
Well, maybe this time I want to be Susan B.
Anthony.
And maybe I want to go to the movie with Wes.
What does Wes have to do with anything? What are we even arguing about? The fact that you decide everything in our friendship.
If you were really my friend, you'd understand how much this means to me.
I've never had a boyfriend or even been asked out, you have! Lindsay, you're gonna get asked out by tons of boys who I won't like.
What is that supposed to mean? It means I liked Wes first! I mean, you didn't even like him before he asked you out.
Listen, I always liked Wes, but I wasn't allowed to because you liked him.
And you come first in this friendship.
But you had your chance, Avery, and now it's my turn.
I'm not canceling my date.
I'm going to the movie with Wes whether you like it or not.
What just happened? So this would be a bad time to tell you I want to be Susan B.
Anthony? Hey there, cutes.
What you got there? This is your book.
I had an idea for the cover.
Oh, look, it's you.
But where am I? I'm not on here.
Exactly.
Stings a little, huh? Look, sweetie, I know that you feel bad not being on my book Pam says it's not okay to talk down to someone.
I'm not talking down to you.
You're up there, I'm down here.
Pam taught us the difference between up and down.
Up is where the glass ceiling is and down is where the man wants to keep us.
Well, if you don't want to be down there, how's this? I love being lifted.
Now swing me.
Wheee! Don't tell Pam about this.
I'm starting to wonder about this teacher of Chloe's.
Pam? I love her.
She asked me to join her drum circle.
Listen, I need some advice.
Let the good drummers take the lead, you just play quietly in the back.
No, it's advice about giving advice.
But I just realized I can't ask you for reasons I can't really say, so I'll just have to work it out myself.
Why don't you ever lift me? - This is hurting my arms.
- It's hurting my pits.
- Why are we doing this? - I don't know.
All right.
This is crazy.
Lindsay and I haven't even talked since she stormed out yesterday.
I don't even know what we're doing.
Well, you're playing Susan B.
Anthony and I'm not because my argument for non-traditional casting fell on deaf ears.
I guess we'll just get up there and do our thing.
Then maybe Lindsay and I can talk and figure out this whole Wes situation.
Hopefully she'll do the right thing and bow out.
It sounded like you said "bow wow.
" Chloe, your class came to see this? Yep, Pam thought it would be a great lesson for our class.
When I told her you were playing Susan B.
Anthony, she got so excited she picked me up.
I'm getting lifted a lot lately.
It's pretty sweet.
Max, you're not even dressed up.
I'm Secret Service protecting all the presidents here.
Oh-oh, John Wilkes Booth is on the move.
Nah, I don't want to mess with history.
Well, both of you wish me luck.
Oh Nixon's going on.
I'm up next.
Oh, he's doing the splits.
That's not historically accurate! Ha! Not so limber now, are you, Nixon? Wait, the splits was a metaphor for his resignation.
How did I not see that before? Brilliant work, Toby! Hello, other Susan.
Lindsay? What are you doing wearing that costume? I'm Susan B.
Anthony.
No.
I'm Susan B.
Anthony.
You're her evil twin in an overpriced wig.
At least that's what it says in my speech.
That's not historically accurate! Wait, unless it's a metaphor no, that's not historically accurate! And neither is that hat! None of this is in the script.
That's my cue? I might have missed it.
When do I howl? I'd better do it now.
Indigestion? This is so embarrassing.
Why did I eat Oliver Wendell Holmes' breakfast burrito? He liked me first.
He likes me now.
- Oh, we'll see.
- I'm going out with him! There's nothing you can do about it.
Oh, yeah? All I have to do is explain the misunderstanding, and you guys are over! No wonder it took us so long to get the vote.
What do you think about my outfit, Stan? I want to look cute when I tell Wes that I'll go out with him and Lindsay's a jerk! But not like I'm trying to look cute.
You look great, but I can't believe you're doing this to Lindsay.
She's your best friend.
I mean, I'm your best friend.
I am your best friend, right? Say it.
And pet me while you say it.
Yes, you're my best friend, Stan.
You'd never betray me like Lindsay did.
She went after the boy I liked.
She is a bad friend.
You know, with dogs, every pack has an Alpha who's in charge.
And sometimes another dog steps up and tries to become the Alpha.
And the Alpha needs to put that dog in its place.
Exactly.
I'm the leader, she's fighting me, and I need to put her in her place.
That is a great point, Stan.
No! My point is you're not dogs.
Stop acting like it.
Friendship isn't about who's in charge.
It's a two-way street.
I liked the Alpha dog thing better a minute ago when I thought it was supporting my position.
I take back a little bit of my petting.
You can't.
The tingle is already in my fur.
Just think about this, Avery.
If you have to picture your life with only Wes or Lindsay in it, who's in that picture? Mom, you around? Still need that advice.
Mom, are you hiding behind the curtains? No, I'm just busy.
Can't talk to you now.
Busy Hiding behind the curtains? I'm not hiding.
This is my thinking spot.
I'm thinking about the advice I'm going to give you, so if you want good advice, you just need to leave me alone to think.
Behind the curtains? You know, I had a thought.
You just distracted me from it.
Now I have to start all over again.
I hope you're happy.
I think she's lying about getting ideas back here.
Or did standing back here give me the clarity to see that? Whoa.
Hey, just poking my head in, seeing if you needed anything.
Actually, I could go for Yeah, I don't really care if you need anything.
This advice thing is really doing a number on me.
So let me try this again.
Hypothetically speaking, if there was someone named Tyler who didn't want to be on the cover of your book but didn't want to hurt your feelings, what would you advise? That you look up the word hypothetically.
Tyler doesn't want to be on my book? Yeah, let's focus on the positive.
He came to me for advice.
Isn't that great? Tyler, get in here! I want to talk to you! I was gonna say that! That's the advice I was gonna give.
Why didn't I just go with my gut? Talk to your father.
That's my advice.
I did that.
Plenty more where that came from.
Come to me anytime.
Tyler, take a seat.
I'm gonna stay and watch.
It was my advice, so I get to.
Don't mess this up, Bennett.
I've got a lot riding on it.
And that's the last thing I'm gonna say.
I doubt it.
Listen, son, if you don't want to be on the cover of my book, that's fine.
You can always come talk to me.
My advice.
But, Dad, sometimes parents push kids to do things they don't really want to do.
That creates a sense of obligation which can push the father and son apart.
That's from my book.
You read my book? Yeah, I read all your books.
You do? Of course.
You're my dad.
Wow, this means a lot to me, son.
Why didn't you ever mention it? 'Cause I knew you'd get all "wow, this means a lot to me, son.
" Did you know I was gonna do this? Yes.
This is the best advice anyone has ever given.
This jicama is really good.
Yeah, finally a vegetable for people who find celery too rich.
Thanks for letting me take the lead on the snacks tonight.
It means a lot that you did that.
Well, friendship is a two-way street.
Yeah.
But this jicama is terrible.
Why did I put it in the bag with my wigs? Luckily, I brought my just-in-case melon.
You know, just in case.
Oh, thank goodness.
You're a good friend.
I couldn't imagine us ever not being friends.
I'm just trying to imagine the movie I can't hear with all this talking.
Sshh! Me? I don't know what happened with Lindsay.
But it's for the best.
Avery is the one I really wanted to go with.
I'm glad that Avery and Lindsay patched things up, and that I was able to help a little.
My only regret is that unfortunate howl mishap at the historical people pageant.
But I did get a chance to redeem myself at the movie in the park when I saw the full moon.
Schnauzer! Why did I eat so much jicama? Just let me give you some advice! I don't need any advice! - Everyone needs advice! - Not me! Don't run on the stairs! Ha! There's some advice! That's not advice, that's mothering! I'm counting it.
Oh, Mom wants to give advice to feel needed.
Thanks, curtain!