Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e15 Episode Script

Yes! The couch is finally clean.
Family, I have a surprise.
So, what looks different? Let's see.
Your makeup is running and your hair's all wet.
Wait, is that a new look? It is beautiful.
Why would you think this is a new look? Because I laughed out loud when you wore that blue lipstick and I am not making that mistake again.
No, this is from the steam, and that's a hint.
You walked through a car wash on a dare? I've done that.
You were steaming up the bathroom to get your fingers prune-y so you can have grandma hands.
I've done that.
You were steaming vegetables for a healthy snack.
I've done that.
Sorry, I don't do stupid things with steam.
No.
The couch is clean.
The couch.
right, bats left.
I'm just kidding.
It's a couch.
Come on, look how clean it is.
We finally have our couch back.
And to keep it sparkling clean, we're going to enforce a family rule we've been a bit lax about.
No dogs on the couch.
No, not the couch.
That's my spot.
This will not stand.
Ah, this newly cleaned couch is like a big, steamy love dumpling.
Avery, get Stan off the couch.
What? No, no.
This is an outrage.
I know my rights.
Is somebody recording this? I can't believe they're gonna try to keep me off the couch.
What have I ever done on that couch that justifies this? Okay, sweetheart, start jumping, and I'll meet you in the middle.
Stan, you're not allowed on the couch.
This is where you can be.
Get in your new dog bed.
Let's see.
A smaller, lumpier, cheaper version of what I'm sitting on now.
Yeah, that'll woo me.
Kids, get in here.
Your dog is on the couch.
I've tried, and I've had it.
Either get Stan to stay off the furniture, or I'm hiring a professional dog trainer.
And this time, I'm gonna follow through.
Not like that Finnish trainer I hired for myself.
That woman kept yelling at me, and those weights were heavy.
Stan, why are you being so stubborn? Why can't you just lie somewhere else? 'Cause the couch muffles my farts.
Isn't that why we all sit on the couch? - Yes.
- No.
- Yes? - No.
You're doing it right now, aren't you? Yes.
Look, Stan, dog training won't be fun for you.
If they think I'm trainable, they have another think coming.
Professional trainers aren't pushovers like mom and dad.
They do this for a living.
And I sit on couches for a living.
The pay's not great, but the hours are fantastic, and I don't have to wear pants.
Hi, you must be the dog trainer.
Come on in.
Welcome to our house.
When I'm here, this is my house.
Now someone get me one of my sodas out of my fridge.
I'm sorry, we only keep healthy beverages in Your fridge.
Healthy beverages? Strike one.
Is that your dog? Yes.
I mean, no, it's your dog.
I mean what's the answer? His name is Stan.
You gave your dog a person name? Strike two! I assume he knows the basic commands.
Stan, sit.
I know why I'm laughing.
Because your incompetence amuses me.
But why are you laughing? We've stopped.
Daddy, I thought you said the monster under my bed wasn't real.
I didn't know.
Why are we letting her train Stan? Because she's the best in the business.
She may be mean, but she's not here to be our friend.
She's here to train Stan.
Why is everyone looking at me? Because you're talking in front of me as if I can't hear you.
I wasn't saying friendship was off limits.
Who knows what could happen? Sherry, as a psychologist, I was wondering if you use any of the traditional behavior modification tools.
You mean like a spray bottle? Yeah, something you might find a little less Don't interrupt.
I know.
He does that.
I tell him, Bennett, don't interrupt Don't interrupt.
I have worked with over and do you know how many I've failed to train? Zero.
I was gonna say zero, because I read that on your website, but I didn't wanna interrupt, because you said don't interrupt.
Please don't spray me.
Please.
I see you people are gonna be an impediment to his training, so how do I say this nicely? Strike three, get outta here, losers! How would you say that not nicely? Get out! I did ask.
Now, let's get you off that sofa.
Stan, off.
Oh, so that's how it's gonna be.
Guess I'll just pull you off that couch.
What she doesn't know is I have spent years mastering the ancient discipline of watching kung fu movies on TV.
Did you just No.
Let's try this again.
You wanna tussle? Your kung fu is impressive, but it's no match for my shih tzu jiu jitsu.
I have been trying to get your attention for an hour.
Huh.
I've been fantasizing about kung fu for an hour? That's less time than usual.
You just sit there, staring off into space.
At the risk of getting demon-yelled at, how's it goin' in here? He's still on our your couch.
No, I think it's his couch.
I tried every technique I know, and your dog is untrainable.
I failed.
I've never failed before.
I'm gonna have to update my website, and my letterhead and my pajamas.
That's right, it says zero failures on my pajamas, on every single pair.
I don't know what to say.
We gave it our best shot to keep him off the couch, but a professional dog trainer just told us that Stan is untrainable.
So from now on, Stan is gonna be - Allowed on the couch.
- An outside dog.
Wait.
That is markedly different from what I just said.
This is so sad.
I can't even look at him.
Mom, you can't do this.
Stan is an inside dog.
He is untrainable.
So's Tyler, but no one puts him outside.
Actually, yesterday at school, - Mrs.
Crowley - You're not helping.
Honey, are you sure you're doing the right yes, we are.
We're a united front.
When did we decide when two people get married, there's an implicit agreement that you'll support each other in anything.
The first person who speaks gets to make the rules.
Why do you think I married such a slow-talking man? Fine.
We're a united front.
Stan, are you okay? Being out here does things to your soul.
Dark and horrible things.
You've only been out here two minutes.
You lose track of time up river.
Stan, why are you acting so crazy? Why can't you just stay off the couch so mom will let you come back inside? Avery, I'm not supposed to talk in front of other people.
I can't eat at the table.
I can't enter any TV singing competitions, and there are so many of them.
I feel like a second-class citizen.
When I was on that couch, I wasn't a dog.
I was one of you.
Please, just don't take that away from me.
Wow.
Stan, I didn't realize how much it meant to you.
Of course you're one of us.
How can I be? I'm not even allowed in the house.
And someone keeps deleting my programs from the dvr.
Celebrities are going out of their comfort zone, Avery, and I am missing it.
I promise that we will get you back in the house, Stan.
In fact, you know what? Maybe we should all live outside in solidarity with Stan.
That will show mom and dad how unfair this is.
- Okay, kids, lunch.
- No way, mom.
We're taking a stand.
We're not going inside until Stan's allowed back in the house.
So could you bring my lunch out here, and use the raisins to make a smiley face in the peanut butter? The kids think they're going to live outside in protest until we let Stan be an inside dog again.
Well, when you kids learn that you're wrong, you'll just come back inside.
Or we could just tell you to come inside right now.
So I'm a united front with you, but you're not a united front with me? Kids, I support your father's ridiculous idea that you'll learn that you're wrong on your own.
That's all I'm asking.
Thanks for doing this for me, guys.
Of course, Stan.
You know we'd do anything for you.
Well, welcome to my yard.
There's a few things you should know.
Over there is where I pee, over there is where I bury my bones, and this is where I draw caricatures.
You like to water ski, right? I don't like this, Bennett.
It feels like they're getting away with something.
I think we should go out there and tell them to come back inside.
No, we can't.
They've only been out there a few hours.
Soon enough, they'll get uncomfortable and come in.
It's all in my book of magical parenting tips, abracadaddy.
Ta-da! Well, the kids don't look uncomfortable.
Oh, they're about to become very uncomfortable.
They left something inside that they cannot live without.
Their cell phone chargers.
Ta-da! Who's your abracadaddy now? I've only got two percent power left.
What do I spend it on? Wait, I know.
Selfie.
I'm gonna post that on buddybop.
Buddy Bop.
No! Ha! That is what you get for watching videos all day.
I have been saving my power.
I have 40% left.
Yeah, about that.
I've been using your phone to check out all the selfies Tyler posted on buddybop.
There's some real good ones there, guy.
You're at two percent.
Selfie.
Buddy bop.
Worth it.
Now how am I supposed to text my friends? If you wanna talk to your friends, you have to wait to see them at school.
Welcome to my nightmare.
Why did we just walk out here with what we had on us? We should've taken our stuff with us.
Clothes, cell phone chargers, body spray, body wash, body butter.
And that's just the neck-down stuff.
This is where the real investment is.
I should've brought my new book called rock star rabbit loses his guitar.
Will he find it? If he doesn't find it, will he still be a rock star? Boy, their titles really grab you and don't let go.
All right, we brought you - a few of the essentials you'll need to survive.
- Oh, cell phone chargers? No, sleeping bags so you won't freeze, and breakfast bars so you won't starve.
Don't say essentials if you don't mean essentials.
I'm starving for information, and I'm freezed out of social interaction.
Fine.
Don't give me my cell phone charger.
Just tell me what people are saying about my selfies.
Just tell me.
Cell phone chargers are inside, right next to the new rock star rabbit book.
Just have to realize you're wrong and come inside.
No.
We're doing this for Stan.
Yeah, we're not coming inside until you let him come inside.
Okay, but I hope you realize rock star rabbit may or may not find his guitar.
Not my problem.
Walk away.
Walk away.
They spent the whole night out there.
I thought you said they'd crack by now.
They're gonna crack.
It's just taking longer than I thought.
I don't have the energy to fight with you right now.
- I was up all night.
- Worrying about the kids? No, reading rock star rabbit loses his guitar.
That title really grabs you and doesn't let go.
Well, I was down here all night so I could be near the kids.
I slept with my head on the kitchen table.
I have a crick in my neck, Bennett, a crick.
I can do this, but not this.
Ow! Okay, I can do it, but ow! I've had enough.
I'm going to tell the kids they're coming inside.
No! We are a united front.
If you're gonna say that to me, stand over here, because I can't turn my head, and I wanna scowl at you.
Oh, it's not just a dream.
I really am outside.
Ah, the bounce is gone.
I was visited in the night by a possum.
I was afraid of it, so I played dead.
Then he played dead.
It was a standoff.
Until this morning, when I realized he'd actually died.
I could've been sleeping the whole time.
The point is, this isn't easy for any of us, but we have to remember why we're doing this for Stan.
We can't go on like this.
Look at us, we're a mess.
You like to ride bikes, right? I'm sorry, Stan.
We tried.
Oh, so you're leaving me? I knew you would, you dirty Stan, no one is leaving you.
haired angel.
You dirty-haired angel.
My hair is dirty.
I'm sorry, hair, you shouldn't have to suffer.
You didn't sign up for this.
- Tyler, is your heart beating? - Yes.
- Are you breathing? - Yes.
Then cork it! You're right.
I'm with you guys.
I'm not going anywhere.
What is that sound? What is that beautiful sound? New hair dryer.
Wanna try it? That doesn't look street legal.
It's been modified.
Walk away.
Walk away.
What are we gonna do? Our alliance is cracking.
By alliance, I mean Tyler.
You ladies are holdin' up great.
We need to put some pressure on mom and dad so that they crack first, or you'll never be an inside dog.
Wait, what if we make ourselves really dirty and disheveled and embarrass mom and dad in front of the whole neighborhood? Stop canine oppression.
Dogs are people, too.
No justice, no selfies.
Stan, how is selling your caricatures helping? Just keeping morale up.
I made this for you.
You like to protest, right? I can't believe the kids are doing this.
I know, I know.
They've gone too far.
Stop canine oppression.
Hey, hey, hey.
Will you kids keep it down over here? I'm trying to put a ship into a bottle.
Hey, Mr.
trummer.
We're protesting my parents being mean.
Oh, glad you cut your hair, Sally.
Then why are you still calling me Sally? All the girls are wearing it short this year.
Hey, Bernadette Peters.
Still only funny to you.
Mr.
trummer, our parents made Stan an outside dog.
Will you sign our petition against this act of tyranny? I know the schools ain't what they used to be, but you do understand what a dog is, right? You do understand that, in my imagination, I'm a kung fu master, right? Don't come lookin' to me for support.
I think your parents are right.
Completely incompetent as parents, but right.
Hey, you want me to raise 'em for you while I'm out here? Mr.
trummer, hello.
Do you see what's happening here, Bennett? The neighbors are noticing.
It's making us look bad and Get out of that thing.
I was just checking it to make sure we weren't being unreasonable.
It is a lot more comfortable than you think.
Well, since you can't control your own kids, I'll see if I can crank up my lawn jet sprinkler and hose 'em down for you.
That won't be necessary, Mr.
trummer.
Neither is putting all my junk mail in your mailbox, but I still do it.
I have had it with the kids.
We're just gonna tell them they have to come in.
I don't care if you think they'll learn the lesson better by figuring it out themselves.
Your tips in abracadaddy aren't presto changing them.
Ha ha.
Magical one, Ellen.
Well, we've come this far, we can't cave now.
Would you get out of the dog bed?! I didn't even realize I'd gotten back into it.
Stop canine oppression.
We embarrassed them and they're not cracking.
People are just making fun of us.
Let's just go back inside.
No.
We can't.
Some of us still care about Stan.
- I still care about Stan.
You were about to sell him out for some stupid blow dryer.
If blow dryers are stupid, I don't wanna be smart.
Mission accomplished.
The two of you fighting is not gonna help Stan.
Kids, in.
Now.
Ellen, in.
Now.
Your way is wrong.
Psst.
- What is it, Stan? - We need to end this.
I was brought here to bring the family together not tear it apart.
Well, that and comic relief.
The point is, if it'll stop all the fighting, I'll be an outside dog.
These past two days have shown me that you guys do think of me as an equal.
That's all that really matters.
That's very sweet, Stan.
But if you're willing to give in, maybe you don't have to give that much.
What do you mean? Thank you so much for coming, Sherry, on such short notice.
What else do I have to do? After I couldn't train your dog yesterday, I couldn't train my next three dogs.
I lost my mojo, man.
Cancelled all my clients, and I've just been lounging around the house in my "zero failure" pajamas, which are now "one failures.
" If you couldn't train your next three dogs, shouldn't it be four failures? I'm a math genius, you know.
I should just go back to my old job.
Cleaning circus cages dressed as a clown.
At least there, I had my dignity.
Well, Sherry, you actually did train Stan.
It just took a little while to kick in.
Yeah, tell Stan to sit.
What if he doesn't? You have nothing to lose.
Really.
Stan.
Please sit.
I'm sorry, never mind.
Do what you want.
Oh, that felt good.
Yeah, something tingled.
Tell him to do something else.
Yeah, see if he'll go to his bed.
Stan, go to your bed.
Wow, look at that.
He went to his bed instead of the couch.
Yes, Sherry's back.
This is my house! Whoa, this is super comfy.
How did I not know this? The question is, does it muffle? Oh, it muffles.
This is so great.
Now I can stop telling myself, "you're not good enough, Sherry," and go back to telling myself, "you can do anything, Sherry.
You have beautiful feet and a winning smile.
" Well, you probably wanna get home and rewrite those pajamas.
Yeah, you're down to three failures.
Math genius.
Now that I'm back in business, there's some tennis balls and squeaky toys I need to get back from the charity bins.
Thanks, Stan.
I was about to become a better person, but now I don't have to.
Well, thank you, Sherry.
This is my house.
You don't thank me.
I'll thank myself.
Thank you, Sherry.
Thank you.
Well, there you go, mom.
Stan is officially trainable.
Well, if he's willing to stay off the furniture, - I guess he can be an inside dog again.
- Thank you, mom.
Oh, you may not wanna do that.
I'm pretty dirty.
That doesn't bother a mother.
I was wrong, I was wrong.
Strong smells, strong smells.
I was so glad to bring the family back together again, and Ellen even said maybe I could go on the couch as long as I'm not too dirty, but frankly, I don't care about that so much anymore.
What I'm really obsessed with is this rock star rabbit book I'm reading.
Wow, these stories really grab you, and don't let go.