Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e15 Episode Script

Hey, Stan.
Did you have fun hanging out with the wife? How was your two-month anniversary dinner? We went to our favorite dumpster, but it's going downhill.
Cats are starting to show up.
Next, it'll be hipsters.
Plus, Princess has been acting strange lately and I can't figure out why.
If you're trying to understand girls, just stop.
They're irrational, weird, and totally nuts.
No, we're not.
Whoa! Dial it back, psycho.
Mason always acts strange.
Today he pasted all his school books together and called it "big learnin'.
" Then he pasted his hands together and called the nurse.
Stan, I know what's wrong with Princess.
You know, Karl, I almost wore that, then I realized I wasn't being dropped behind enemy lines today.
I need to be invisible when I do my daily sweeps of the neighborhood with my parabolic microphone.
Keeping vigil.
Snooping.
Keeping vigil.
And I heard Heather say, "Princess is going to have puppies.
" What? Oh, my gosh.
This is the most amazing thing I've ever heard.
I'm gonna be a father.
Thank you, talking plant.
Stan, it's Karl.
Oh, I have a friend named Karl.
I'm really excited to be a father.
But it's actually not my first time in a paternal role.
I once raised a family of baby geese.
Good thing, I had that hang glider.
Where have you been? We're supposed to go dress shopping.
I'm starting to think you don't want to go dress shopping with me.
Well, finish thinking that.
You used to love doing that with me.
I pretended to like a lot of things when we were dating.
Like farmers markets and your Uncle Alan's knock-knock jokes.
Knock-knock.
Who's there? Us, unfortunately.
You still find my insecurity charming, right? Look, I bought a desk for Chloe's room.
If we don't assemble it, then we're just gonna have this huge box sitting around.
And I know how much you hate huge boxes.
True.
My sister used to hide in them, and then leap out at me and yell "You're unpopular!" Okay, okay, I guess we can build the desk.
Great.
Thanks, honey.
People like me! Sorry, reflex.
Just a reflex.
Avery, I'm so excited about being a father, I'm experiencing emotions I don't even know the names of.
So I made some up, the Goofy Grinnies.
The Happy Happies.
And the Mega-Barks.
Where you bark a lot.
I get it.
No, I strip the bark from giant sequoia trees.
See? Trying to figure out how you got that bark giving me the Totes Confusies.
I don't have a gesture for it yet, but how about I just can't wait to be there by Princess's side when the puppies are born.
It's gonna be the happiest day of my life.
I'm not letting your dog anywhere near my Princess for the birth of her puppies.
No, no, this is horrible.
Stan needs to be there for the birth of his puppies.
You can't do this to him.
I can do whatever I want.
Ever since Daddy made me vice president of his company for tax purposes.
What is wrong with you? Were you summoned to this realm by some sort of incantation? What is wrong with you? Were you summoned to this realm by some sort of incantation? Avery's never gonna believe that I came up with that first.
Here's the deal.
We're taking Princess to have her puppies at Chez Chateau Maison, the most luxurious dog spa ever.
None of you are getting anywhere near her.
Don't be evil, Heather.
Please let Stan be there to see his puppies being born.
And please don't make a coat out of them afterwards.
Breaking news, I don't care what you want.
I'm thinking about becoming a famous TV newsperson.
And now to the weather.
Ugh, it's hot.
All right, we need a plan to get Stan in for the birth of his puppies.
The place Heather will be taking Princess, Chez Chateau Maison, is very exclusive.
They don't just let you in.
In fact, the guards at Fort Knox brag that Fort Knox is the Chez Chateau Maison of heavily fortified gold bullion depositories.
No, they don't.
So how are we getting in? We could form a ragtag band of highly trained misfits to break in, like in the movies.
I call charming con-man.
And you're the flexible girl who can fold herself into a dresser drawer.
Thank you very much, But I can come up with my own role.
I'm the brains of the operation.
Who can fold herself into a dresser drawer.
And I'll be the scrounger who can get anything.
Copper wire letters of transit, 2,000 Deutsche Marks.
Thanks for playing this game, Tyler, I've been holding onto these for a while.
And I'll be the sassy computer expert who uploads the data at the last second.
I've never seen this kind of encryption.
Click, click, click.
I'm in! And I shall be the master of disguise.
Yes, Karl, we'll call you if we need anyone to look like drapes.
Actually, I'm your best hope.
Heather has a massive crush on me.
Really? I heard she had a thing for some Venetian blinds at another school.
No, she doesn't.
I'm serious.
Recently, women have been finding me irresistible.
I'm a late bloomer.
I get it from Father.
Mother's sole contribution to my genome is the ability to digest raw boar meat.
If you want raw boar meat, I'll need eight hours.
You've got four.
Karl, thank you for offering to help, but I already have a plan.
We can do this without you.
Suit yourselves.
A Fink only offers his manly wiles once.
Away! Bennett, I'm so sore from putting that desk together.
I've the worst crick in my neck.
Aaah! Ellen, you're just squeezing an empty water bottle.
It's the only thing that relieves the pain.
Aaah! We have some menthol rub in the bathroom.
Yeah, but, Bennett, that just sounds like this.
I landed on purple.
I'll buy it.
For the 10th time, this is not a game where you buy things.
I'm gonna get a glass of water.
Don't play bouncy house on the couch.
Hi, Mason.
I was bored at home.
That's Jason, Mason's twin brother.
Chloe doesn't know Mason has a twin brother.
I'm not even sure they understand.
I have to go to the bathroom, but I'm playing a game with Chloe.
I'll finish the game with her.
Okay.
Don't play bouncy house on the couch.
You're not the boss of me! What did I tell you? Hey, you're pretty.
Okay, you can jump.
It's your turn.
Blue! I'll buy it.
For the 11th time, this is not a game where you buy things! I have to go to the bathroom.
All done.
What? How? No, don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
Good, I don't even know how it works anyway.
My turn.
No, it's not.
You just rolled and tried to buy blue.
This is not a game where you buy things.
Aaah! Big news! Big news! Got to let Chloe know it's something important but I can't talk in front of Mason.
Your dog is acting weird.
When my sock puppets act weird, I put them on my feet but I can't do that with your dog.
I think my dog's upset about something.
Could you give us a minute? Okay, what should I do so I don't get bored? I don't know, go look for mangos in our gazebo.
I don't know what either of those things are, but Mommy says I'm an overcomer.
They're taking Princess to have her puppies.
I heard Heather talking about it.
We've got to go! What are you doing? I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Remember, we're rich girls, and Stan is a pregnant dog.
You guys said I was silly to get this pregnancy suit.
But I told you, when there's a costume sale, you buy everything.
Next week, I'm a conquistador.
Let's hurry up.
We don't have time to wait for Tyler to park the car.
Welcome to Chez Chateau Maison.
I'm Grace.
How may I help you? I'm Agatha Von Hempstead of the Swiss Von Hempsteads.
And I'm Constance, her wealthier sister.
Daddy's favorite! As you can see, our beloved Stana is having puppies and she simply must be taken care of here.
I'm afraid that won't be possible.
Our last birthing suite was booked for the day by the famous French veterinarian, Dr.
Frederic Monfore.
He's flying in shortly for the show dog Princess's delivery.
It's quite a scandal.
Mutt father.
Oh, my! Hello, I am Dr.
Frederic Monfore.
You're the famous French veterinarian? You look like a teenager.
I get my youthful looks from my mother.
She looks so young that when we go out to dinner, they make her sit in a highchair.
And they make her wear a bib, but that is because she eats like a horse.
That is right, my mother is a middle-aged woman who looks like a baby and eats like a horse.
And that is all you need to know.
I think some of the words here are getting lost in translation.
Let's just speak in French.
I'm sorry, Doctor.
Of course.
Let me find her file.
How do you know French? Well, they've given me so much, with their toast, their fries, and their farces.
The least I could do was learn their language.
Right this way, doctor.
Just down the hall.
How did I get here? Mason? What are you doing here? I got into the back of your gazebo, but then it drove away.
You got into the back of our minivan! Chloe, come on.
Mason, how did you get here? It's a long story.
First I rolled a seven.
Then I bought purple.
You can't buy purple! How did I get here? We've got to find which room Princess is in.
Bingo.
You found Princess? No, there's a dog named Bingo in here.
Jackpot! There's a dog named Jackpot in there? No, I found Princess.
Catch up.
Where's Mason? You've got to find him.
We can't have him roaming around here messing things up.
Got it.
We can't have a free Mason.
What are you doing here? Security, activate the knock-out gas.
Why do you even have a suggestion box? Master of disguise.
Let's masterful of getting out of disguise.
Do you need me to take advantage of the fact that Heather is gaga over me? You're delusional.
Heather is not Hello, dreamboat.
You have got to be kidding me.
This is perfect.
I'm gonna take Stan in to be with Princess.
You make sure Karl keeps Heather distracted.
How do I smell? Heather, stay on my left.
Someone please activate the knock-out gas.
Princess, I made it.
She hasn't had the puppies yet.
Why are you still doing the accent? I am how do you say, enjoying it.
What is going on here? I am the famous Dr.
Monfore here to deliver these puppies.
It is? That's interesting.
Because I am the famous Dr.
Monfore here to deliver these puppies.
You are an impostor! I think my water just broke.
No, that was pee.
I'm really scared.
You know, when the receptionist told me I was already in here, I knew there was a problem.
You are in a significant amount of trouble, impostor! That is ridiculous.
You, sir, are the impostor.
I challenge you to a duel.
I demand satisfaction.
Step outside.
This is a closet! Or am I? I mean, or is it? That is it! I am calling the authorities! Or is it? I mean, or are you? Quiet, Dr.
Monfore! I have your phone and I'm not afraid to go over your minutes.
I will be quiet.
These international rates are killing me.
Mason, don't say anything you shouldn't.
It's very complicated.
We're pretending to be other people.
I'm not Mason, I'm Jason.
Sure, we'll go with that.
A little obvious, but okay.
I need to use the bathroom.
Go ahead.
I'll wait for you here.
Hi, Chloe.
Aah! How'd you do that? I just opened my mouth and words came out.
"Pajama bottom.
" Sometimes it says what it wants to say.
Where's the bathroom? I overheard the kids talking about how Heather's family goes here.
It is the best, most luxurious spa in the area.
Hi, I'd like to book a treatment for my wife.
Uh, we're not really right for your wife.
That is ridiculous.
I do not care how exclusive you are.
My wife has a crick in her neck.
Aaah! So you are gonna take care of her now.
I don't think you understand.
Oh, I understand perfectly.
Is this what you're looking for? Uh, okay.
If this is what you want.
Right this way, ma'am.
Come, come.
Come on, girl.
Come, come Thank you so much, Bennett.
I will always remember you did this for me.
Oh, and give her the works! Everything that you would do for any of your clients! Oh, Daddy.
And that's why the Center for Disease Control had to permanently seal off my first shed and bury it in the Mojave Desert.
Excuse me.
I can't talk to him.
He's too perfect.
I'm too nervous.
I'm gonna vom.
I'll just go and be with Princess.
No, no, no.
No.
We can make this work.
If you can't talk to Karl, you tell me what you want to say and I'll talk to him for you.
You'd do that for me? You know this doesn't mean we'll be friends.
'Cause I know how much you want to be my friend and it's just sad.
What do you want me to tell Karl for you? How many mice you can fit in your throat after you've unhinged your jaw? Tell him he's super-cute and the total package.
And then giggle like that.
So I'm just gonna pretend we're talking for a few seconds.
Smile and nod.
Now pretend to say something back to me.
My great Aunt Helen has skin like yours.
But hers is from swamp throat.
Is it a problem that we don't have a real doctor here for the birth? Dogs do it all the time without doctors.
Heather just got a doctor because she's snooty.
True, dogs are resilient.
I just ate something called biohazard, and I'm aces.
Is everything okay in here? Yes, everything is fine.
These dogs are about to give birth.
All right.
I better play along.
Push! Push! Breathe! Breathe! Hee-hoo-hoo! Another doctor showed up claiming to be you.
No, you must be mistaken.
There is no other doctor here.
What's that? I do not know.
Let us check.
After you.
Oh! Bonjour, I am a doctor.
The puppies are coming! Aah! It's happening! I'm not ready! Now tell him you're my moon, my stars, my whole world.
And make sure you put your hand here when you say it.
You could've just told me to do it.
You didn't have to demonstrate on me, like with the butterfly kisses earlier.
Do you have any hand sanitizer? Of course.
And I'll be applying it liberally to my face as soon as you remove your hand.
The puppies are coming.
Okay, I think you two are ready to talk without my help.
Topic of conversation, you both think I'm inferior.
Discuss.
Her hand is clammy.
Her cheek's no picnic either.
Oh, my gosh, they're coming.
You're gonna be a dad, Stan.
It's all happening so fast.
What if I'm not cut out to be a father? Dogs aren't like human fathers.
They're not involved in their puppies' lives at all.
What if I don't love them? Puppies.
Here, buddy.
Say hi to your son and daughter, Stan.
There's the sugar.
You are the most amazing, perfect little wonderful things I have ever seen.
How could I ever think I wouldn't love you? So, what are they doing to your pooch? I beg your pardon.
That is no way to Well, that is offensive.
Oh, one of those modern guys.
Wants to treat 'em like "people.
" I love her.
Sure, but come on, all the yipping, and always needing attention.
You get used to it.
I just tell her, "Lay down at my feet and be quiet, Duchess.
" Well, I feel sorry for her.
There's my Duchess.
Who's a pretty girl? What did they do to you? Is that a bow? I brought Ellen to a dog spa.
She is going to Bennett.
Ellen! I am so I had no idea that this was I have never felt better, Bennett.
I mean, the biscuits are a little hard, and the tub bath was a tad invasive but what an amazing experience.
The important thing is, no matter what you find out later, you enjoyed today.
Hold onto that.
Stan, they are so cute.
I'm naming them Freddy and Gracie.
Those are our names.
Well, we've put you two through a lot today.
Are they gonna be able to talk? Won't know for months.
But it doesn't matter.
I'll love them no matter what.
Only two puppies.
Seems kind of like a small litter.
We'll just think of them as twins.
Our parents say twins can be a handful.
What? You're a twin? Why didn't I know about you're twin, Mason? We go to different schools.
Our parents wants to be individuals.
But you're wearing the same clothes.
How did we get in these? Ugh! I specifically said you weren't supposed to be in here.
I knew nothing about this, darling.
When a girl likes you, it makes you want to like her.
I didn't know this dynamic was possible.
We just wanted to see the puppies.
Get a good look, 'cause my family's not keeping them.
When they're old enough, we're giving them away.
Just because you're mad at us for sneaking in here? No, we were always giving them away.
My parents don't want more dogs, and I think mutt puppies are gross.
No! I can't lose my puppies.
I can't believe Heather's family is gonna give the puppies away when they're old enough.
I love Gracie and Freddy.
I love them, too.
They were born with great hair, just like me.
You Photoshopped that.
Not everything that's awesome is computer generated, Avery, and yes, I did.
Guys, we can't let Heather give away my children.
Wait a minute.
Maybe this isn't a bad thing.
You monster! What if we adopt the puppies? You didn't let me finish.
You monster with a heart full of love, misunderstood by everyone around you.
Like Gustov, the imaginary monster that lives under my bed.
At first he scared me, but then we became friends.
Gustov love Chloe.
Right back you, G! I'm sure it won't be that hard to convince Mom and Dad to have two more dogs.
After all, Stan is so easy.
Stan got into the trash.
There is garbage everywhere.
Boy, I'm glad we don't have more than one dog.
Well, that's unfortunate timing.
After my wonderful day at the spa, the last thing I need is this kind of added stress.
Maybe I should just go back to the spa.
No! I'll just hose you down in the backyard.
You know, it was a lot like that.
Look, I'm sorry Stan got into the trash, Mom.
Maybe the problem is Stan needs company.
Maybe we should get another dog.
Or maybe two more dogs.
But where will we get them? Oh, I know.
Stan and Princess just had puppies.
Problem solved.
Love hugs.
Whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Stan and Princess had puppies? And Heather's going to give them away.
We really want to take them.
What do you say? Can we? I'm a teenager.
This could be the last hug you ever get from me.
I see how much this means to you guys, but you know I'm not a dog person.
You monster! I'm sorry, we're not getting two more dogs.
You didn't let me finish.
You horrible, horrible monster! I realize you have some concerns, but I want to let you guys know if you allow us to keep the puppies, we promise we will never do anything wrong ever again.
We will never do anything wrong ever again.
Or sit on that couch.
Come on, you can't let Gracie and Freddy go to someone else.
They're Stan's children.
Sweetie, Stan is just a dog.
It's not like he'll know the difference.
It's normal when a dog has puppies for the family not to keep them.
We promise we'll talk to Heather's family and make sure the puppies go to a nice, responsible home.
Now that's the end of the discussion.
You see, Bennett, this is what I was afraid of.
All this disagreement has taken me out of my relaxed state.
I need to go back to the spa.
I said I would take you out back and hose you down.
Set the nozzle to blast to get my hard-to-reach spots.
We have eight weeks until the puppies are old enough to leave Princess, and then Heather will give them away.
Okay, this doll is Mom.
This is Dad.
These are the puppies.
And this is Heather.
What do we do? What are we gonna use those for? This is my chance, Avery never plays dolls with me anymore.
But I told you I'd do it.
It's not the same.
Guys, the clock is ticking.
What do we do to keep the puppies? Best idea wins a ham.
Stan, we love the puppies.
You don't have to offer us a reward.
Good, because I already ate the ham.
And for similar reasons, best idea also does not get a pork chop, a bowl of rice, or a vacuum bag.
I have got it! I will dress up as a French doctor again.
Tyler, that doesn't work for everything.
Sacre bleu! Ooh, I have an idea.
You be Mommy.
And I'll be Heather.
"Hi, do you want to go to a tea party?" Hey, Heather, I'll go to the tea party with you.
It's not the same! Well, here's my idea.
Mom is the one who's not a dog person.
But she does love to be loved.
And Heather doesn't care about the puppies so we can bring them over here whenever we want.
So we just have to show Mom how much the puppies love her.
I love you.
Wow, the girl does have mad doll skills.
And getting Mom to think the puppies love her is a pretty good idea.
A ham-worthy idea.
The best I can do is burp in your direction.
Get over here, you.
Once I paint this meat juice on, then Mom will wake up with the puppies licking her face and think they love her.
There's no way she can resist that.
Puppy licks are powerful.
Did you know that the first light bulb was nothing more than a glass bottle in a puppy's mouth? Stan, there's no way that could work.
That's the lie the candle companies spread to maintain their stranglehold on the lighting industry.
Ohh The puppies are licking me.
They must really love me.
Of course, they love you.
Why else would they be licking you? Wait, why are you holding a basting brush and a bowl? And why do I smell like meat? You always smell like meat, you just never noticed before? Nice try, Tyler.
Bennett, I've got meat juice on me.
Get the hose! Don't worry, Stan.
We still have eight weeks to get Mom to love the puppies.
The eight weeks are up and Mom still doesn't love the puppies.
And you've had that same shirt on for eight weeks.
I like bad smells, but whew! Avery, Chloe, and I have tried everything.
We had them lick Mom, made her Mayor of Puppy Town, I even gave Tyler hair and eyebrows to Freddy.
This is bad.
Gracie and Freddy are old enough now to be given away.
Everybody, come look! Oh, Tyler, you missed it.
I asked your dad what time it was, and he checked his watch with a glass of water in his hand, and he spilled it all over himself.
Oh, do it again, honey, he missed it.
You want me to spill water on myself because he missed it? Eh, it was funny and I'm already wet.
Okay.
Bennett, what time is it? Well, it's about That's why I love you so much.
You make me laugh.
I'm just lucky you didn't meet a clown before you met me.
Of course.
The way to Mom's heart is through her funny bone.
And I still don't know what time it is.
That's hilarious! Clown puppies.
They also have tiny clown bikes and pies.
Oh, tiny clown pies.
They look delicious.
That's a poker chip with shaving cream on it.
Yes, I know that now.
I told you she'd eat it.
I win the bet.
You both have to read a book that's not a novelization of a summer blockbuster Guys, I have to admit, when I became Mayor of Puppy Town, I was honored and added it to my resume I haven't done much in the last 10 years.
But seeing how funny the puppies are finally got me.
And seeing how much effort you guys put in over the last few weeks really showed me how much you care.
When dad gets home, I'll tell him we're keeping the puppies.
All right, I'm keeping my puppies! These puppies are hilarious.
I've never been prouder.
And so we'd like to be the family that takes the puppies.
I see.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, kids.
Heather's family has already given the puppies to someone else.
They're gone.
"Two months ago, when Gracie and Freddy were born, was the happiest day of my life.
Today, when they were adopted by another family, was the saddest.
Avery tried to find out who Heather gave them to, but all Heather knew was that it was some nice guy who answered their ad.
I may never see my puppies again.
" Hello, Stan.
It's me, your evil ex-owner, Ian.
Not that I'm evil from my perspective, but I thought the adjective might help remind you who I am.
I remember you, Ian.
What do you want? No, Stan, it's what you want.
My puppies! I adopted them from that lovely girl Heather after I saw their baby photos on your Buddy Bop page.
Wait a minute, you're "Mad Scientist You'll-See-You'll-All-See?" Why did I accept your bop request? Ian! Excuse me, I'm staying with my mother in Glendale.
What, Mother? It's late! Go to bed! How are you gonna make scientific breakthroughs if you're not well-rested? You go to bed! If you're not well-rested, how are you gonna nag me the rest of your life? So where were we? Right.
Your adorable puppies.
Give them back to me, Ian.
Of course.
If you give me what I want.
Anything.
Anything at all.
Sounds like we can make a deal, then.
Ian, who are you talking to this late? The Nagging-Mother Police! They're coming to get you! She's pretty sure there's no Nagging-Mother Police, but not completely sure it's a fun game we play.
Ian, why is there a dog on your screen? Hello, Avery.
Ian? What are you doing here? Are those Stan's puppies? Well Ian? What are you doing here? Are those Stan's puppies? Well Ian, what are you doing here? Are those Stan's puppies? It'd be really helpful if you all entered at the same time.
Okay, let's get this over with.
Stan, what is going on? Stan and I made a deal.
I turn the puppies over to you, and Stan comes with me so I can resume my experiments to discover how he can talk.
And this pet carrier is chained to my wrist, to make sure there are no shenanigans, like last time.
Ugh, and I just thought up the perfect shenanigan.
Stan, you can't do this.
You can't go with Ian.
I have no choice, Avery.
It's the only way to protect Gracie and Freddy.
Are you ready, Stan? In a minute.
There's something I need to do before I leave.
See, he's here.
He's trying to take Stan.
You can't let him take Stan.
Oh, I remember you.
Honey, this is just the nice man who used to own Stan.
You must be mistaken.
I'm sorry about our daughter.
She has quite an imagination.
Just ask Gustov.
Are you calling' my woman a liar? Gustov, please, this isn't the time.
Ugh.
So, you came to visit Stan again? Exactly! I don't know what Chloe was talking about.
Avery and I will visit with Ian.
Why don't you and Mom go back to talking about old people stuff, like escrow and how bad your knees are? He's not wrong.
I feel a rain coming on.
I hope it doesn't interfere with our meeting with the notary.
Tyler, I know what you're trying to do getting Mom and Dad out of the room.
It's to protect our secret.
But there are worse things than them finding out.
Avery, no.
And Ian taking Stan is the worst thing of all.
Maybe this is it.
Maybe this is the time for them to find out.
What secret? The secret that your dog can talk, of course.
What? I am a scientist on the verge of making the most important breakthrough of the 21st century.
Your dog is the world's first talking dog, and I am gonna find out how he does it, so I can make other dogs talk.
I'll become rich and famous, and finally have someone to talk to.
Wait a minute.
Are you saying that Stan is a talking dog? Surely, there have been mysterious goings on.
Voices you've heard, unexplained happenings.
The ghost we heard last Halloween.
The hang glider that got charged to my credit card.
When we first got Stan and Chloe told us he was a talking dog.
That one really should've tipped us off.
Stan talks.
And sings.
Dancing How could you have kept this from us? We were afraid of what you would do.
But we have a bigger problem now.
Ian has Gracie and Freddy, and wants to exchange them for Stan.
You can't let him have Stan.
The kids are emotional.
It's understandable, they're kids.
Bennett, we're men of science.
I have PhDs in biology, zoology, and theater arts, in case the science thing doesn't work out.
I am a man of science.
And I do have a subscription series to the Pasadena Playhouse.
Dad? Yeah, given the remarkable miracle that Stan represents, don't you agree the only responsible thing to do is to turn him over to a man of science, such as myself? I'm sorry, kids.
Ian has a point.
A talking dog could be one of the greatest scientific discoveries ever.
Having Stan go with a scientist is the responsible thing to do.
Kids, since I won't be around when you're growing up, I just wanted to teach you a few life lessons.
This is how you pickle a herring.
I think.
I'm just guessing from the words.
So, when do you think I can take Stan and be on my way? Soon, I'm sure.
But what's the rush? I so rarely get to converse with a fellow man of science.
My whole career, I've hoped for a breakthrough in my field, like the one you're on the verge of.
Perhaps a psychological disorder that I could name "The Bennetts.
" But nothing that gives me the heebie jeebies.
Which, of course, was discovered by the team of Fred Heebie and Bill Jeebie.
They're so lucky.
So yeah, um, about getting Stan and being on my way.
Oh, we rarely have company.
I can't imagine why.
I may not be a man of science or have all the degrees you do, but I am the Mayor of Puppy Town.
It's right here on my resume.
Maybe we could go look for Stan and see what the holdup is.
I've got to get back to my mother's house in Glendale.
A mother in Glendale? She must be so impressed by your research.
My mother is gonna be proud when I tell her about "The Bennetts.
" It would be nice if it was something that could be cured by quilting.
She loves that.
Where's the dog? 'Cause I can't wait to get back to my mother's house.
She doesn't believe in my work at all.
So Stan's gonna tell her, "Your son's a genius!" Now rub my belly.
Just to be clear, that's still the dog talking to my mother, and not me talking to you.
Stan, come here, boy.
Well, you two men of science chat.
I'm gonna go think through all the embarrassing things I did when I thought I was alone with a dumb dog who couldn't tell anyone about it.
Oh, boy, he saw my chicken impression.
Please, tell me where your dog is! Avery, what is it? I wanted to finish the video I was making my kids.
Stan, you can't do this.
You can't go with Ian.
Just run away and hide so he can't take you.
Yeah, Stan.
Run away.
Like my kinfolk do on teeth pulling day.
What, Chloe gets to do characters, but I can't do Huckleberry Tyler? Well, that makes me madder than a possum in a tar barrel! If I do run away, what happens to Gracie and Freddy? We love Gracie and Freddy, too.
We'll figure something out.
There's nothing to figure out.
This is the only way to protect them.
Now I'm gonna go finish my video.
I don't know how I'm gonna teach them the art of puppetry in one afternoon.
But I'm gonna give it a try.
I'll say good-bye before I go.
I won't.
I'm uncomfortable with emotion.
We can't let Ian take Stan or the puppies.
And we're not going to, Chloe.
First, we'll take the puppies, then Stan will have no reason to leave.
But Ian has them chained to his wrist.
See? There's a bolt cutters in the garage we can use to cut the chain.
Like so.
Yay, Avery, you're playing dolls with me.
He'll never stand by while we do that.
We need a diversion.
Look over there! Or maybe we can use Gustov.
I think you've outgrown me, Chloe, so I'm gonna fly out the window and find another kid.
Bye, Gustov.
Tyler, get out of the way.
Oh, no.
I'm just kidding.
That's right, Tyler.
Tell 'em that.
Are you sure our dog talks and we're not just all out of our minds? Aah! Cartwheels are hard for a dog, but you get the idea.
I have just a few more things to teach you.
You carry a lot of tension in your back.
Oh, that's good.
Oh, really get in there.
And that's how you do puppetry and shiatsu massage.
Sorry, I had to combine the two.
I've got a lot to get through.
This is how you sneak under laser beams if you're stealing jewels from a museum.
Gracie, Freddy, the most important thing for me to tell you is that when I'm gone, it's gonna be up to you to take care of Avery, Tyler, and Chloe.
Now, those kids mean more to me than anything.
Well, until I met the two of you.
But then I decided I didn't want anything associated with explosive diarrhea to be called "The Bennetts.
" I made the deal.
I was gonna leave the puppies and take the dog.
It seemed so simple.
I'm back.
And I found her and got her to come with me.
Ian Mom! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? This lovely, young lady She said "lovely, young.
" I wish you were my mother.
This lovely, young, slightly needy lady said that you were trying to take their dog, and that you chained their puppies to your wrist.
Mother, I am on the verge of the most important scientific breakthrough Oh, Ian, not the talking-dog thing again.
Why did I let you watch so many cartoons as a kid? I will only eat my Brussels sprouts while I'm watching cartoons.
That's the deal and you know it! And talking dogs are real.
Get ready for me to say, "Bam, in your face, Mother.
" Yeah, there will be no bamming in my face.
And no more bothering these nice people.
Now unchain the puppies from your wrist.
I can't believe I'm actually saying that sentence.
Yes, Mother.
I promise, he will never bother you again.
Come, Ian.
Yes, Mother.
Ow! Bye, Gloria! Farmers Market this Saturday? Stop being needy! No, you're the best! You got rid of him and saved the puppies.
Stan, it's all all right.
We got rid of Ian and your puppies are safe.
Freddy, Gracie! Thank goodness! I love you both so much.
We weren't going to let that guy take Stan.
I was just stalling him while your mother went to find his mother.
That's right, we used the most powerful force there is: Mother Power.
Mama Powa.
The Maternal Combustion Engine.
I want another baby, Bennett.
So as for the secret, now that you know It's time for me to formally introduce myself.
And you kids played along great.
We had no idea what good actors you are.
Actors? Yeah, the way you followed our lead when we were humoring Ian, pretending that he wasn't nuts, and that we actually believed him that Stan could talk, until we could figure out a way to get rid of him.
That's right, we played along.
Pretending to believe.
Stan can't talk.
That's bananas.
Woo-hoo-hoo! I'll stop now.
And your father was great too, with all that crazy talk about "The Bennetts.
" What a perfect diversion.
Yeah.
Crazy talk.
Not a serious yearning for professional accomplishment.
Just a diversion.
Diversion.
Oh, no.
Hey, what secret were you talking about? Shenanigan! Shenanigan! Whoa! Whoa! Guys, Ian is gone! The puppies and Stan are okay.
What is going on? Well this is the secret.
Sometimes when you're gone, Tyler flies around in a fairy costume while Chloe tries to cut him down with bolt cutters.
Yep, that's the secret.
What other secret could there be? Tyler has a monster in him.
Tyler, get down from there.
Chloe, give me those bolt cutters.
We are going to discuss some consequences for this.
What are you doing? You were supposed to ride in with the bolt cutters to free the puppies, while Chloe flew in wearing the fairy costume.
Oh.
That makes a lot more sense.
This costume is riding up on me something fierce.
Imagine if Stan really could talk.
How crazy would that be? Not that you kids could actually keep a secret like that from us.
No.
Of course not.
Not for more than three years.
And, of course, if Stan could talk, we would have to send him off to be experimented on.
You're so funny.
I know you're just joking, Dad.
That's a chance we're never gonna take.
Preparing to leave the kids I love so much to save the puppies I love so much was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
But fortunately, everything adfoasir jweqrl nweapo rif.
What the Not now, kids, Daddy's blogging.
Fatherhood is not going to be easy.
But it's worth it.