Dollface (2019) s01e03 Episode Script

Mystery Brunette

1 Hey, Allison, Allison, Allison.
Did my stapler do something wrong? Celeste wants us to throw away everything in the office that doesn't spark joy.
My stapler doesn't have to spark joy, it just has to staple.
I'm just not feeling anything.
How am I supposed to design the homepage layout without my mouse? Uh, joy, radiating joy.
Happiness with every click.
Ooh, happy, joy.
Okay, speaking of your mouse, I need your help with the computer thing.
This is WoÃm's new energy-clearing facial spray, Tidal Climax.
Yeah, I know, I'm featuring - Can you smell that? - I can taste it.
Celeste would love it if you could upload the smell to the site for customers to sample.
She wants me to upload a smell into the computer? Yes.
She read an article about how that technology is being developed.
Right, but it doesn't exist yet.
But you could use like a plug-in or an extension, maybe a widget.
Oh, you should sunset a widget.
Stop saying random computer terms.
Oh, I have to take this.
No! Hey, Madison.
Jules, you're coming with me tonight.
Coming with you to what? It's finally happening, an event for my own client where I'm running point.
And out of everyone in my life, I want you by my side.
You don't want me by your side.
I don't even want me by my side.
If I could attend large social events without me, I would.
It is the biggest night of my professional life and you're gonna be there.
It starts at 7:00, dress is formal casual.
Those things are opposites.
Well, what are you wearing right now? Jeans and a top.
Are you doing that thing where you call a sweatshirt a top? - No.
- You're coming.
Text me when you're on your way.
If there's a single animal product in those puff pastries, I will burn this place to the ground.
Behind these doors awaits a spectacular array of options, but what will Jules end up doing tonight? The choice is in her hands on America's favorite game show Should She Go Out? Here's the deal, Jules.
You can go to this stressful weeknight work party with Madison, or you can choose whatever's behind door number one! Ooh! Um Okay, I'll take door number one.
Let's see what she's got.
Oh, tough break! Behind door number one is Amelia, a girl Madison meets tonight and replaces you with as her new best friend! But don't worry, Jules, we'll make you another deal.
You can keep Amelia or take a gamble and see what's behind door number two! Um well, Amelia sounds like kind of a setback for me, so door number two.
Oh, bad luck! Looks like door number two is a debilitating case of the fear of missing out! - Are any of these good options? - Don't worry, Jules.
We'll make you one more deal.
You can stick with the FOMO or check out what's behind door number three! Number three! Number three! - I mean, none of these are prizes - Door number three! Oh, congratulations, Jules! Behind door number three is an all-expenses-not-paid trip to accompany Madison to her weird vegan chef party! - Wait, so I still have to go? I - That's all the time we have, folks.
Tune in tomorrow to see if a woman attends the baby shower of a former coworker's second kid on Should She Go Out? Woo! I'm torn.
Do we start by uploading the scent for Tidal Climax Algae Bloom or Tidal Climax Red Tide? It's a legitimate Sophie's Choice.
Just to reiterate: 100% impossible either way.
I wanna retry them and jot down more of my thoughts.
Oh, Alison threw away all the pens.
Uh, you guys noodle on that.
Thank you so much for bringing me clothes.
There's no way I'd get out of here in time to change.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding? I love a good before-and-after.
I brought everything I already had in my car.
Tahoe last weekend.
Roller disco a few nights ago.
Third date.
Think I might end it.
Madison specifically picked me to go to this big work event tonight with her, and I'm supposed to look nice.
Wait, the vegan chef book launch? She invited me to that yesterday, but I said I couldn't go.
Wait, Madison invited you first? Okay, that was supposed to be a secret, so don't tell her that I told you.
But it's fine that I told you, because we're all such good friends.
If it's okay that you told me, then why can't Madison know I know? And why aren't you going? I'll tell you, but it's a secret, so you can't tell Madison.
Can't tell Madison like you couldn't tell me? Or can't tell Madison like I actually can't tell her? The former.
The latter.
Wait, can you tell me them again? - Why couldn't you go? - I said that I had food poisoning, okay, but I'm really going to a secret party at Joey Lawrence's house.
Wait, the fact that you're going is a secret? Or the entire party is a secret? Both.
Joey's having a group of his closest friends over to announce that he's dying.
Oh, God, that's awful.
I know, it's super tragic, but, you know, if it's gonna be his last party ever, I feel personally obligated to have an incredible time.
Wait, how do you know Joey Lawrence? Well, there's this group of Hollywood brothers, like the Jonas Brothers, the Hemsworths, the Lawrences they all get dinner once a month.
I bartended for them once.
Oh, and the Hansons.
They are wild.
I guess I just feel a little funny keeping secrets from Madison - And I am not wearing the boa.
- Of course not.
I don't think you should ever keep secrets from friends.
Except for the times where it is extremely important that you do.
- And you know the difference how? - You know, it's like, when you're at a concert and a stranger offers you drugs.
You should have to kind of feel out if it's a good idea in the moment, with really high stakes if you get it wrong.
Oh, my God.
Party in the girls' room.
Hey, if either of you guys wanna join me tonight, I'm going to watch Pearl Harbor and then Serendipity to test my theory that Kate Beckinsale's aging in reverse.
Um, well, I have to go to a work party with Madison.
I love costume parties.
Are you going too, Stella? Uh, I have this other thing I have to make an appearance at.
I feel like "It Girls" always have to make an appearance at something, like you apparate from event to event like a very chic ghost.
Have you ever thought about that? You come at people with kind of an intense energy, don't you? That's so funny, that's what my last few therapists have said before they suddenly move away.
It's like every time I get a new one, they get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to move to a remote country and do therapy for the underprivileged.
Well, you know what, I find you absolutely - Whatever it is, I promise I can change.
- fascinating.
Oh, my God, you do? Yeah.
I mean, you're unsettling in a way that gives me an adrenaline rush and I kind of love it.
You should come with me to this weird party, what do you think? - Eh yes.
- You're not afraid of death, right? - What? - Cool.
Oh, my God, I have to pee so bad.
You're here! You look like a sexy eggplant, but you're here! - How's it all going? - Stressful.
I took my eye off Chef Hallie for two seconds and found her hiding in the bathroom housing a Slim Jim.
Apparently she still stress-eats meat from time to time, and now I have a purseful of confiscated jerky.
Oh, that bitch loves a kielbasa.
Look, I have to handle this, then I'll be back and I want us to make the rounds together.
Don't move! - What are you doing? - You told me not to move.
I meant mingle.
But, like, stay close.
You can do this.
Just jump into a conversation.
They're just terrifying people that you can't relate to.
So, do you like veganism? I'm from Wisconsin.
State religion is cheese.
Oh, yeah, I had a bison burger for lunch.
I'm just here 'cause my friend is PR for the chef.
I'd probably feel guilty about it, but I hear Chef Hallie's a closet carnivore herself.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
Huge meat freak.
Well, I'm gonna make the rounds.
It was nice talking to you.
- Jules! - What? Where did you go? I wanted you to meet my boss.
I've been here, just talking with some guy.
- I really need your support tonight.
- I'm being supportive.
I'm eating a crab cake made from hearts of palm.
Guess I just expected you to be a little more excited that out of everyone I know to come with me to this huge life event, I picked Stella.
You picked Stella.
Okay, she wasn't supposed to tell me and I wasn't supposed to tell you, but she told me and I'm telling you; I know you invited Stella first.
Well, you guys are wrong 'cause I actually invited Colin first.
You're trying to prove a point by telling me you invited me third? Look, I'm sorry, okay? I was stupid to think he'd come with me.
Wait, Colin, like secret-doctor-boyfriend Colin? Why wouldn't he come? He moves under the radar right now and there's a ton of press here, so he's just gonna meet me after, but I didn't wanna come alone.
Do you wanna talk about it? I mean, I know I'm just coming back into your life, but whatever it is, you can tell me.
Okay, fine, but you have to keep it a secret.
I will, I promise.
He's older.
- That's it? - Yeah, he's older, so we're not ready to tell people we're together yet.
Well, how much older? Like Keanu Reeves older or like "fought in the Civil War" older? Just older.
It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but if you wanna keep it private Hey, thanks for the tip on the T-Rex.
What does he mean "tip," Jules? That guy's a huge food and culture reporter.
Well, shit.
How could you do this to me, Jules? This is my job.
Secrets between friends are supposed to be secret.
I didn't realize that was a secret.
That a vegan chef eats meat? What did you think it was, just a career-destroying fun fact? Oh, was bringing me to a big social event a bad idea? I wonder how either of us could have seen this coming.
Oh, that is such a cop-out, Jules.
You wanted to be friends again, and this is a part of it.
Coming to events, keeping secrets.
I confided in you, that means something.
I know that it means something.
I'm not really sure what that something is, but I acknowledge it sounds like progress when you say it.
Okay, the only way to stop this guy from running the story is to feed him a better story.
Only problem is, it's a totally dead Tuesday, and our friend who always knows something crazy going on currently has her head in the toilet from bad sushi.
What? What do you know? Your eyes widened.
What? No they didn't.
They're the same size they've always been.
- Jules.
- Secrets between friends are supposed to be sacred? Yeah, that only applies when I'm talking about me.
It's not gonna happen.
- A trade.
- Better than this? How do you feel about the exclusive to a secret celebrity party at Joey Lawrence's house? - Thanks, but no thanks.
- To announce that he's dying.
Whiskey, neat.
Whiskey, same.
That's my order, too.
Thank you.
Oh Oh, my God.
It tastes like Don Draper and gasoline.
Can I have a vodka soda with 17 limes? - Are you okay? - Yeah.
What? No.
Here's the thing.
You're so cool and fabulous and interesting, and I am just like this.
The reason why you find me interesting is because I don't put it all out there like you do.
Like, my parents were backup dancers for Madonna, who fucked once on a flight to Tokyo and then split up before tour was over.
I don't tell people that because it's tedious and boring.
Holy shit, that's like the most interesting thing I've ever heard.
My parents met at a Brookstone, both reaching for the same glow-in-the-dark shower radio.
Okay, how about for tonight you don't you know, share as much? People like a mystery woman.
Okay, yeah, I get it.
Like when a non-famous girl gets photographed with a celebrity and then the caption reads, "Orlando Bloom pictured with mystery brunette.
" You're kind of like if drugs were a person.
- Here you go.
- Oh, my God, thank you.
Look I'm a breath of fresh air Oh, shit, my boss wants to know where I am.
- I'm gonna need quotes.
- Okay, you go do your job.
I promise I will never talk to anyone about anything ever again.
- I swear on Turtle's life.
Turtle's my cat.
- I don't care.
I see y'all foul, so you should wave the white flag I don't need y'all towels If you really wanna get it The way that I get it Admit it, that I be bout my business I stop when I finish, yeah I bet you're wondering what I'm thinking about.
Sorry, I'm just trying to charge my phone and you're standing in front of the outlet.
What's your name? I don't have one.
Do you live in L.
? Does anyone live in L.
? You know, eight percent is probably fine.
So let me ask a question: Are you ready? Go! I'm in high demand, not anyone can advance just like I can Hey, Jules.
You want a hit of this? It's mint papaya with just the teeniest amount of opium.
Ooh, no thank you.
So, don't be mad, but Madison's here.
Jules, I told you not to tell.
I know, I kept your secret, but then I accidentally told another secret, which was actually Madison's client's secret, so to trade secrets, I had to tell your secret s.
Well, this is gonna be a cluster fuck.
You know, in retrospect, it is with incredible foresight I got this high.
You think Madison's really gonna be that mad that you lied? No, she's not gonna be mad.
She's gonna have a panic attack.
This is a magic show.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Madison is terrified of magic.
Remember that guy who was doing card tricks at Katie Hathaway's graduation party? Yeah.
He asked her to pick a card and she punched him in the face.
It was hilarious.
Wait, I thought you said this party is because Joey's dying.
No, he is.
He's obsessed with magic.
So he got this famous illusionist to do this insane trick where they stop his heart for three minutes.
Well, I'm relieved he's not dying of a terminal illness but rather of a fake magic-induced heart attack.
I honestly don't understand why she's so freaked out by magic, anyway.
Um, not being in control of what's happening, not being told what's going on, being deceived intentionally.
Those are all the things that Madison hates.
Okay, no more hookah for you.
How the fuck am I supposed to guess your name? There's like 10 trillion fucking names.
Izzy, have you seen Madison? I fucking hate parties in the Hills.
You guys have no respect for what I'm trying to do here.
Let's just go.
It's what you wanted.
Oh! Uh, uh We can't go over there.
Why not? It's a I can't believe I'm going to say this word secret.
- Seriously? - I swore on Turtle's life I'd never tell another secret.
Honey, he's a cat, he has nine of them, so just tell us.
I think that's Madison's doctor boyfriend.
She said his age is the reason they're keeping their relationship private and that they were planning on meeting up after her event.
I mean, maybe he came early because he doesn't have that much time left.
He looks like my rabbi and Kurt Russell had a baby, but like a Benjamin Button baby.
God, we can't let her freak out in front of all these people.
Fuck this, I'm going in.
Madison? Guys, not now.
Sorry to interrupt your intimate moment, but, um, we just need to borrow her for a second.
One second.
- Jules.
- Madison.
No one said my name.
What do you guys want? One of you doesn't tell me anything and one of you can't keep her mouth shut.
Fun, angry energy coming from you, but we need to take a second for an announcement.
- What? - This is a magic show.
N No, it's not.
All right, here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, in a matter of moments I will electrocute Mr.
Lawrence until his heart, tracked by this monitor, stops.
It's been great knowing you, everyone.
I'll see you on the other side.
I love you all.
Now, I want to be clear here.
This is not an illusion.
This is really happening, and it is an extremely dangerous stunt.
She doesn't look so good.
Madison, honey, maybe we should go.
I can't feel my legs.
Start the clock for three minutes.
Joey Lawrence is officially dead.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, oh, my God.
She's out.
Wha what's going on? Thank God you're here.
She needs your help.
- With with the reporter? - What? No, she fainted.
I can see that.
- Well, do something.
- Do you want me to call 911? Why would you call 911? - Because she fainted.
- But you're a doctor.
- I'm not a doctor, I'm a publicist.
- I thought she was dating a doctor.
I'm not dating her.
I'm Madison's boss.
I came here to help her with some reporter.
Then maybe you should call 911.
She's alive! Oh, no, not Joey, just this girl.
Awww! Sometimes it can stop for three minutes and 30 seconds.
Perfectly normal.
Nobody panic, we're just gonna try it again here.
Come on, Jo-Jo! Shit.
Oh, fuck! I can't believe we just saw Joey Lawrence go into cardiac arrest.
Magic should be illegal.
Please stay calm, everybody.
Thanks for coming to my party.
Please join me inside for coffee and cake! Holy shit, that was incredible.
Told ya.
We made it through the wilderness I can't believe you thought my boss was my boyfriend.
You said he was old.
I said older, not old.
He's 45.
Okay, that's not a big enough age difference for this to be such a problem.
Is this a keep or a tell? Look, okay, the secret is not that Colin is older, it's it's that he's married.
Separated, divorced practically.
They were already broken up when we met, but they haven't finalized the papers yet, and his lawyer said it's best that he lay low with his dating life until the ink was dry so as to not rock the boat.
Madison, wow.
Look, they don't have any kids, so things won't get ugly.
I just don't want people, you know, getting the wrong impression of him.
Or me.
Does it feel better to tell us? Oh, God, you have no idea.
I feel better, it's not even my secret.
Not that I anticipate my life getting interesting enough to hide any aspect of it, but I vote all secrets be temporarily suspended.
Among this group of people, at least.
Even her? We can trust her.
I mean, we know she elaborately lied about her identity to everyone we've worked with for the last several years.
Works for me.
Um Just gonna take this.
Jeremy? Ew, no.
It's Ramona.
Um Oh, sorry, I missed your calls.
This came up as your brother's number.
Oh! Our dad roped us all into this new family plan thing, and now that keeps happening.
Anyway, I wanna talk to you about my wedding.
Yeah, um, I'm sorry I haven't reached out sooner.
I'll return the bridesmaid's dress and everything.
I don't want you to return it.
I still want you to be in it.
Wait, really? Jeremy is being an idiot.
You've been like family the last five years.
More than that, I consider you a friend.
Well, that's that's really sweet, but, um I I don't know.
I mean, if it's too hard for you to be around my brother, I totally understand.
I'll just tell him you're uncomfortable or you're just not over it yet.
Oh, no, no no, no, no.
Don't tell Jeremy I'm not over it.
I am I am totally over it.
It'll be great.
Besides, the wedding is still a few months away and guys like my brother tend to come to their senses about these things.
I really want you to be there.
Say you're still my bridesmaid, please? I'm still your bridesmaid.
Yay! Okay.
Now we have to start planning my bachelorette party.
Eeee! Eeeee.
Who was that? I'm in a wedding in a few months.
It was just the bride giving me some details.
Whose wedding? My cousin's.
Hey, thanks again for the lead.
Signed copy of the Vegan Monologues will be in the mail tomorrow.
Check Twitter.
"Joey Lawrence, technically dead, pictured here with brown-haired guest.
" Wow.
That's almost a mystery brunette.
You guys, I did it! Yay! Whee!