Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e09 Episode Script

She Ain't Heavy, She's My Cousin

Smell me.
Am I tropical? This woman is from Miami.
I got to be tropical.
There's a lot I'll do for you, but I'm not prepared to smell you.
What if she's a dog? She's Wanda's cousin.
How can she be? Right.
She's swimming in a foxy gene pool.
I hope I don't hork up my dinner.
Wanda says yvette is a really nice girl.
Yvette-- a name that's usually followed by the phrase, live on stage.
I owe you for this.
My pleasure, pal.
Boys, your dates are here.
It's showtime, vinnerino.
I want her to hunt me down like the dog that I am.
You'll be easy to track with that scent.
So, uh, this is my cousin yvette.
Oh, my.
Oh, hi.
Here's a shot i seldom show strangers.
Well, it's a work in progress.
This table's way off-balance.
I don't think you'll be able to sink anything.
Except those two.
Why didn't you tell me? Tell you what? That your cousin is a planet.
She's not that big.
She's just big-boned.
, you're right.
I didn't know.
I haven't seen her since we were 10.
When we started out this evening, Vinnie owed me a favor.
Now I owe him for the rest of my life.
He looks happy.
He's happy 'cause he knows I owe him for the rest of my life.
How about another game? You don't have to do that.
Do what? You hung out for an hour.
Wanda will be happy.
We can go home.
What are you talking about? I never had a date last over an hour.
Consider yourself lucky.
Some of my dates end after, "hi.
I'm Vinnie delpino.
I'm here to pick you up.
" Let's rack 'em up.
I'm having a good time.
How come you moved to L.
from Miami? My father changed jobs.
I've seen pictures of Florida beaches.
They look really nice.
Last time I showed up at the beach, they declared me an endangered species.
What do I do when you say stuff like that? Laugh.
It's a joke.
Thanks a lot.
Major widebody.
How many toilet seats you broken, toots? I heard that.
Very funny, mallet head.
Vinnie, it's o.
You're my date.
She's your date? You look like her dinner.
Leave him alone.
He's just a little guy.
Back off, or I'll rip your head off first.
How is he going to hurt you? Well, there's your answer.
Must be tough on Wanda dating a doctor.
His beeper goes off all the time.
Ruins lots of good times.
What are you laughing at? You nailed that guy pretty good.
I've never seen anybody's eyes roll like that.
We set a speed record getting out of there.
Lucky he didn't come after us.
It's hard chasing someone when your zipper's been dislocated.
Anyway, thanks a lot.
It's really something defending me like that.
Hey, it was nothing.
Not to me.
Nobody's ever done that.
I don't know what happened.
I guess I was overcome by chivalry.
What are you doing? This is on me.
Chivalry's expensive.
Look, I hope i can see you again.
Uh, sure.
When? Uh, I don't know exactly.
I'll have to check my schedule.
If you don't want to No.
I want to.
I mean, it's o.
Most guys don't.
I'm used to it.
It's not o.
, o.
? Just because most guys are cue balls doesn't mean I am.
So how about like tomorrow night? I'll have to check my schedule.
I'd like to try some new splint material.
I always like using plaster on top of the nose.
The difference is impressive.
The reward's seeing the look on their face when the bandages come off.
The next patient is Ruth Faber.
She's had several prior surgeries.
Breast augmentation, malar implants, rhinoplasty, abdominoplasty, mentoplasty, facelifts.
What's she in for now? Liposuction.
We're reducing her saddlebags.
Hi, doctor.
Ruth, this is Dr.
howser, Dr.
Mind lifting your gown? I'm a doctor.
Scout's honor.
This is the area where she has some excess subcutaneous fat.
Some? I've got gobs of it.
We'll make a couple small incisions-- the scars won't be below my panty line? They'll be right in the crease.
Half-inch incisions here and here.
This is where the cannula goes.
I can thin it out and contour the hip.
You can lower your gown now.
Is her lab work back yet? Everything's on the chart.
It was all normal.
You'll get your sedative.
I'll see you in surgery.
Thank you, doctor.
So, Dr.
howser, do you think you can recognize a fat embolism now? Absolutely.
No problem there.
Of course, if she develops a seroma where we suction, it can easily be drawn off later.
The important thing is you stop suction when more blood is coming out than fat.
Michaels, no disrespect intended, but I question the wisdom of all these procedures.
I looked at her before shots all the way down the line.
Why is she doing all this? It's very important to Ruth Faber to look as good as she possibly can.
She already looked good.
Some people's standards are more stringent than others.
Besides, everybody wants to maximize their appearance.
And why shouldn't they? They're lucky we have the technology to help them.
Hi, curly.
Hi, doogie.
Hi, Dr.
Apple? Peach.
Want it? No.
I've got to lose three pounds.
Oh, go ahead, spaulding.
You only live once.
Eat it now.
You can always get it sucked out later.
Oh, look.
You're back just in time.
He's going to pull off that scarf.
Wait till you see his fly head.
Look at that noggin! That's about a 28 hat size.
You're actually going to watch the movie? SURE.
The original.
A classic in horror history.
This is a drive-in.
You don't bring someone to a drive-in to look at that.
Well, the nachos look really good.
Not right now.
I could run and get some popcorn.
You could just relax.
Not when the fly's having lunch.
Forget that.
Hey, hey, hey! What's going on? You're cramping my lungs.
I can't breathe.
Oh, right, make a fat joke.
I just like to ease into these things.
Oh, sure.
Hey, I'm Italian.
I'm not used to aggressive women.
Aggressive? Is that what we're called now? What's going on here? You know.
No, I don't.
You didn't want to hurt my feelings.
You brought me here where nobody would see us together.
That's nuts.
Oh, yeah? Hey, look everybody, Vinnie's with a blimp! Cut that out.
I thought you were different, but you're not.
You're just like everybody else.
Yvette-- I'm leaving.
I don't need any more of this.
Yvette! Hey, yvette, where are you going? Looks great.
Hardly any discoloration.
What about my right thigh? There was a lump there.
Ruth, the swelling hasn't even gone down.
I paid $3,000 for perfect thighs, not one perfect thigh and one lumpy one.
If it's still there in a few days, we'll do something about it.
You should take it out for free.
It should be included in my initial $3,000.
It will.
You can leave tomorrow.
I'll remove those stitches on Friday.
There's just one more thing worrying me.
With my new hips, do you think I need more work up here? If you'd broken your knee, it would hurt worse.
What shape's your bike in? It looks like two unicycles.
, last stitch.
Someone's here to see you, Dr.
She's bigger than the truck that ran me off the road.
Ouch! Sorry.
The novocain must be wearing off.
Put a dressing on that, will you, curly? Yvette.
Hi, doogie.
Can we go somewhere and talk? Uh, sure.
It's a little busy around here today, but we can grab a few minutes.
Let's try in here.
I guess you know what happened last night.
Vinnie told me.
He didn't tell you the worst of it.
When I got to Wanda's i started eating A lot.
You could call it that.
All they have left is a couple cans of lentil soup.
I hate lentils.
I hate myself.
Doogie, I'm scared.
I don't know what to do.
Have you tried to lose weight? Once, when I was 12.
I lost a little, then I blew it.
Sometimes it's easier to stay fat than to risk being rejected.
I get rejected plenty.
Ask your pal Vinnie.
From what he says, he didn't reject you.
You scared him off.
He hates me.
He doesn't hate you.
You hate you.
I'm fat.
I'm ugly.
I'm ashamed to look at myself in the mirror.
What's not to hate? What if i found a program? Would you try it? What's the point? I'd probably screw up.
You'll never know unless you try.
But you've got to make a commitment, a big one.
Hey, "big" is my middle name.
Will you do it? O.
I'll give it a try.
I just don't understand it, mom.
This woman doesn't need all that surgery.
Well, it's unfortunate, but society values men and women differently.
Well, it doesn't seem fair.
It isn't.
As men get older, they're considered distinguished, stately.
And women are just considered older.
But she's really attractive.
That doesn't change the fact that a lot of older men dump their wives for younger women.
Well, all I know is it's a screwy world when someone like yvette is scared to lose weight, and curly spaulding, who's got a great body, is eating rabbit food just to lose three pounds.
I guess women have to come to some kind of inner peace with who and what they are.
I know one thing, mom.
You look marvelous, my darling.
You're just saying that 'cause I'm your mother.
No, you really do.
Well, thank you, doogie.
Here, you want one of these? Ooh, no.
Those are 35 calories.
 these are only 18.
Everything's healing nicely.
No infections in the incisions.
No adverse swelling.
Yes, I'm very pleased.
And that pesky lump is gone.
You're clear to go home.
Well, thank you, Dr.
I'll see you next month.
I've decided to have my ankles liposuctioned.
Faber, it's none of my business, but you have great ankles, world-class ankles.
I want them perfect.
Nobody's perfect.
What's perfect anyway? Perfect is when Phil Faber says, "honey, you're perfect.
" Doesn't it bother you that you're wasting all that money trying to achieve something you'll never get? What's that supposed to mean? You're already a very attractive woman.
All this surgery won't make a noticeable difference.
Well, it makes a noticeable difference to me, and it makes a noticeable difference to my Phil.
How much of a difference if you're never satisfied with your looks? Why are you doing this? Why are you making me feel this way? I just think-- get out of here! Go away! I don't want to see you! Look, howser, I'll give this to you man-to-man, colleague-to-colleague.
If you disrupt my relationship with a patient again, I'll have you up on charges.
I didn't think.
I guess you didn't.
Who are you to tell my patient anything about her emotional or psychological problems? Well, someone's got to.
She's got a lousy self-image, and surgery won't solve her problems.
I may not solve her problems, but I'm not creating new ones for her.
This woman needs help.
You're right.
And given the fact that she won't see a psychiatrist, I'm the next best thing.
Many people with scalpels aren't qualified like I am.
Do I abandon her to them? You're a good doctor, kid.
But you have got a lot to learn about how people wire up.
AAH! Aah! Hey, I wasn't screaming at you.
You came at a really tense time.
It's o.
How did you get here? Doogie and Wanda dropped me off.
I ruined it for you the last time.
Hey, forget about it.
These things happen among friends.
Are we? Yeah.
I really like you, yvette.
We have a lot in common.
Us? What? Well, uh, you're, um You know.
You could call it that.
And me, I'm short Very short.
I never noticed.
Oh, yeah.
I've been on hold at 5'3" for 2 years.
Every day it's "hiya, vin.
Want to be dropped off at snow white's?" "We'll spray your head with lemon pledge.
Walk under my mom's coffee table and dust it.
" I've heard them all.
Except you got one big advantage over me.
I can't be taller, but you can do something about being fat.
And I'm going to.
The next time you see me, I'll be able to ooze through Cher's body stocking.
I like those words.
I'm coming back to see you.
I'm liking that even better.
And you'll want me.
And you'll probably turn me down.
Why? Because you'll be slim, and I'll still be short and weird.
Maybe I like short and weird.
Yeah? Yeah.
All right.
Ooh, get ready.
This is the best part.
She'll use that iron press to turn his head into pudding.
Ew! Ew! Gross! AAH! AAH! Don't you think it's about time you turned in? I feel awful about what I did to that woman, and I don't know how to make it right.
Well, you can't.
So let that go.
What you can do is learn something from the experience so you don't make the same mistake twice.
Isn't there an obligation to identify a problem? She wasn't your patient.
Yvette wasn't either, not technically.
She came to you, though.
What's the difference? The difference is she wanted your help.
Faber didn't.
I just feel so sorry for her.
You can't always fix what's broken, and you don't always have an answer that somebody wants to hear.
I guess.
Get some sleep, son.
Thanks, dad.