Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e11 Episode Script

Tonight's the Night

LOOKIN' FOR THE LOVE GETAWAY HEADING FOR THE LOVE GETAWAY I GOT ME You got a crumb on your cheek.
How come you never pick food off my face? Don't start.
Russell and Heather I hear they did it.
Really? I heard it, too.
They did it.
They did it.
I think it's beautiful when two individuals find themselves ready to move on to a higher spiritual plain and express their oneness in a very loving and physical sort of way.
Don't even think about it.
I think it's o.
K.
That they did it.
It's not some cheap affair.
They've been going out forever.
Yeah, at least three months.
She looks really happy.
Her skin cleared up.
Doog, how long you and Wanda been going together? Four months.
Whoa! Whoa! Hey, cut it out.
Well, everybody thinks you're, like, the perfect couple.
Yeah.
So, if it's true love, what are you waiting for? What are we waiting for? I don't know.
We love each other like Russell and Heather do.
More.
You know, the average age for teenagers to have sex is 16.
2 for females and 15.
7 for males.
Harris poll, they're usually pretty accurate.
So, I guess, uh This is the next natural step.
Yeah, totally natural.
I think we should do it.
Me, too.
Oops.
My parents are going to a medical banquet on Friday.
They'll be gone for hours.
Friday's good.
I'm free.
This is going to be so great.
Yeah, really.
Yeah.
Keep Pushing.
All right.
Lay back.
Relax.
Take two cleansing breaths.
In through your nose.
Out through your mouth.
The baby's head is crowning.
Okay, Carolyn.
One more big push.
This it, Carolyn.
Come on.
Push! Come on, Carolyn.
Push.
Push.
It's a girl, Carolyn.
And she's perfect.
It's a girl.
Just listen to her, Carolyn.
Isn't that beautiful? What? Give me a big hug, you studly man.
What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I love it.
Do I look like i just fell off a pumpkin truck? I'm so happy for you.
I'm misting up.
Why? You, Wanda, the horizontal hula.
You're finally going to do it.
What are you talking about? It's out.
Wanda swore Janine to secrecy.
Janine swore Allison to secrecy.
Allison swore Phil to secrecy.
You don't have to swear me to secrecy 'cause I won't tell anybody.
I don't care what they're saying.
Nothing will happen.
O.
K.
, fine.
You want to be a gentleman, you want to exercise discretion, i can respect that.
I'm a man of class.
And while nothing is happening Slip this on the turntable.
Enrico caruso? He sings, broads melt.
Vinnie, I've got to get some sleep.
Rumor has it that as a medical doctor, you know things about the female body regular men don't.
It's said that you have it within your power to drive women into states of sexual frenzy that actually destroy brain cells.
Well? Hey How's it going? Great.
You're taking algebra? I'm trying to keep up so I can graduate with my class, but who knows what a square root is? A divisor of a quantity that when squared gives the quantity.
Huh? Lucky guess.
O.
K.
, Carolyn, here she is.
Ohh.
She's awfully cute.
Is there somebody else to help you take care of her? I'm living with my older sister.
She works nights.
She's going to watch the baby while i finish school.
I know it's going to be hard, but I can do it.
There are lots of single mothers, and I already have somebody to help me with my algebra, right? Hey, you bet.
Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen tonight we'll put all other things aside give in this time and show me some affection we're goin' for those pleasures in the night I want to love you feel you wrap myself around you I want to squeeze you please you I just can't get enough and if you move real slow I'll let it go I'm so excited and I just can't hide it I'm about to lose control and I think i like it I'm so excited and I just can't hide it and I know, I know, i know, I know I know I want you I'm so excited and I just can't hide it I'm about to lose control and I think I like it I'm so excited I knew it! Tonight's the night.
You're out of your mind.
You cleaned your room.
Something momentous will happen here tonight.
I just felt the need to tidy up.
You lucky dog! Doogie! Doogie! Doogie! Doogie! Doogie! Vinnie.
Mrs.
h.
Doogie, could you zip me up? Sure.
Thank you, Vinnie.
What happened? I cleaned my room.
That's all.
Why? What's the big deal? Should I mess it up? There's no reason why I'd want it clean.
No.
This is fine.
Your father and i are leaving now.
We'll be home by midnight.
Sharp.
Good night, mom.
Good night, doogie.
Good night.
Good night, Mrs.
h.
Do you think she knows? She couldn't possibly.
I knew it! I knew it! Tonight's the night! You tricked me.
Some genius you are.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
Wanda will be here in a half hour.
How do I look? Beautiful.
Listen You got protection? 'Cause if you don't, i could loan you mine.
It's the new Magnum size.
Yeah.
I got some from the hospital.
You're planning on wearing only one at a time, right? Douglas! Yeah, dad? Come down here now! Your mom was on to you.
I'm dead.
I'll go with you.
Parents are less inclined to flip with an eyewitness.
You have some explaining to do, Douglas.
What do you know about this? Thank god it's got your name on it.
Hello, Anna.
Oh, David, she's so beautiful.
Holding this baby makes me think we should have another one.
Katherine, please, i am 54 years old.
I'll meet Mrs.
pollack at the hospital.
I still think you should notify the police.
She's just asking for two days to think.
She's 17.
She's unmarried.
Her parents turned on her.
I don't want to.
She abandoned her child.
That shouldn't go unreported.
If I call the police, they may take the baby away.
How would she ever get over that? Let me talk to Mrs.
pollack.
She's a social worker.
She handles these things.
If there's any way to help, i want to.
I think she's entitled to our compassion, David.
O.
K.
, Douglas.
Try it your way.
Don't you guys have a banquet to go to? I can handle this.
You don't want to be late.
You sure? I'm a physician for Pete's sake.
Katherine? I think it's all right.
Have a good time.
Her diaper needs to be changed.
Surely you can handle changing a diaper Dr.
howser.
Ooh.
Oh, hi.
Hello, Wanda.
You look very, uh, extravagant.
What were you and doogie planning on doing tonight? Bowling.
All right.
Let's begin.
I'm detaching the diaper.
Whoa! Whoa! Oh, my god.
This is disgusting! A little baby made all this? This cannot be normal.
It's not pretty, but it's normal.
Where's the can? Got it! All right.
We're halfway there.
Who's going to wipe the baby? The card had your name.
True love goes just so far.
Is she o.
K.
? She's asleep.
Feels kind of nice to hold her.
I'm sorry about tonight.
I mean, our plans got canceled.
That's o.
K.
I don't mind.
You don't? I mean, I mind.
I'm really aggravated, but I understand.
I mean, you had to take her to the hospital.
You look really beautiful.
You looked exactly right for the occasion.
Thank you.
I didn't know what to wear.
Are you sure it wasn't too dressy? No.
It's perfect.
God, I can't believe we're not going to do it.
I am really disappointed.
Yeah.
Me, too.
God, I love the smell of underwear in the morning.
What? Dive in.
I can't get Wanda that.
It's embarrassing.
Doog, last night was a bust.
Wanda's gonna back out.
You gotta keep the momentum with a little inspiration.
Vinnie.
You want to do it? Of course.
Then work with me.
Buy this, you almost don't need a woman.
Chic.
Pardon me.
Would you mind holding this up so I can get an idea? I'm buying a gift for my mother.
I think mom would look good in that.
Don't you, doog? Yeah, I do.
Very good.
I'm sure she'll like it.
Thanks.
You're a wonderful saleswoman.
And, now Anna I'd like to sing something to you that my mama sang to me.
Anna, Anna, Bo banna banana fanna, fo fanna fee fie, mo manna Anna let's do doogie Visitors aren't allowed in here.
It's o.
K.
She's with me.
All right, doctor.
What's she doing in here? I checked her in for dehydration, but there's really nothing wrong with her.
If there's nothing wrong with her, I want to take her home.
Let's talk.
I don't want to.
I asked you to care for her.
I didn't think she'd end up here.
Wait a second.
You screwed up.
You screwed up in a big way.
Because I needed a couple days to think? You abandoned the baby.
I want to help you, but I have to help Anna, too.
It seemed like everything would be o.
K.
, but I was never alone with her.
She always needed something.
She was crying or hungry or had to be changed.
I was so tired, I never even made it to school.
My friends would play with her for about five minutes.
Then they always had something else to do.
I didn't know it would be so lonely.
I'm still a kid, Dr.
howser.
You can't be a kid with a baby.
I know.
I saw a program on television where this girl-- they called her the birth mother-- got to pick out the couple who adopted her baby.
It made her feel better.
She knew they were good people.
There are people here who can help you.
I can take you to the office and stay with you a while.
O.
K.
I guess that would be the right thing.
Want to spend a minute with her by yourself? I better not.
Did you have some dip? But it was nice of you to make refreshments.
Doogie, what are we waiting for? I don't know.
O.
K.
Wait a minute.
Maybe we should kiss first.
I read a whole chapter on foreplay.
There's no sense in wasting it.
Are you sure your parents won't come home? They're in Santa Barbara.
Vinnie won't come jumping through the window, will he? I gave him money for a movie and threatened him with a severe pummeling.
Could you turn them around? O.
K.
? I can't do it.
I want to have sex with you.
I've had thousands of sexual fantasies about you, but I'm not ready to have sex.
Doogie, I don't-- I've hurt your feelings.
I didn't want to do that.
Do want to do it? Wait a minute.
I'll work something out.
I don't think I'm ready either.
Why? I just wanted to get it over with.
I'm so tired of hearing about it and worrying about it.
I thought we should do it and get it over with and then have fun again.
Are we like nerds? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
I'm a nerd.
You're a nerd.
Come here, nerd girl.
Come on.
Come here.
I'm glad we changed our minds, Wanda.
I mean, what if sex changes everything between two people? And not just having a baby.
What if just having sex puts a lot of pressure on you? If you're not ready for it Maybe it can break you up.
See I like the way we are together, and I don't want to risk messing that up.
Me either.
I wonder if we'll ever do it.
I don't know.
But it won't be because Vinnie and Janine want us to.
It'll be just for us.
Let me show you something.
This is my personal journal.
Every night I put in my most private thoughts.
I've never shown it to anyone.
That's four little words.
"Doit"? I love you, too, doogie howser.