Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e07 Episode Script

Academia Nuts

Ooh, what a tasteful ensemble.
Did anyone ever tell you you have great fashion sense? What do you want? You don't accept compliments gracefully.
I'm a little tense.
Canfield wants me to meet him in his office at 9:00.
Maybe it's good news You made best-dressed physician of the year.
Good news doesn't happen at 9:00 in the morning in canfield's office.
So this probably isn't the best time to ask a favor.
No, it's not.
Here's the thing.
I need a biology paper.
I got to get my grade point average up.
Nothing brilliant.
It has to be intelligent and look like i wrote it.
That's an oxymoron.
Hey, hey.
No name calling.
I can't believe you're asking me to write your paper.
Was I not being clear? After that fiasco with Wanda, didn't you learn your lesson? Yeah, yeah, but that was a French lesson.
This is biology.
Come on.
You've been getting as on these papers since you were 9.
I've seen them in your file drawer and scrapbook.
You probably have something in here i could use.
Open that drawer and save a guy's life.
No.
It's unfair to your classmates.
It would do you more harm than good.
Let me paint the picture.
A guy's in his senior year, staring at the abyss.
His grades are plummeting, his teachers hate him, and he's not going to get into film school unless he persuades his blood brother to give him a paper.
Well, since you put it that way No.
I hate that shirt! Come in.
Ahh! Dr.
howser.
Punctual as ever.
Have a seat.
Something to drink? Coffee? Mineral water? Jelly beans? Dr.
canfield, you're making me very nervous.
Douglas Does the name portmeyer mean anything to you? Popcorn.
I'm sorry.
I don't have any.
No, no.
Portmeyer popcorn.
"It's the top of the pops.
" Well It's more than popcorn.
Portmeyer industries is the second largest exporter of dried goods in the country.
Mrs.
portmeyer is a regular patient, checks in about once a year for a complete physical, then makes a donation to the hospital Often in direction proportion to how satisfactory her stay was.
What's wrong with her? Nothing.
She's in good health.
Our dilemma No, our challenge is that she doesn't want to believe it.
She's a hypochondriac.
I don't like that word.
After all, if a person believes something's wrong with him or her, we're duty-bound to treat that complaint with the utmost seriousness.
Mrs.
portmeyer doesn't feel she's getting her money's worth unless we find something wrong with her.
Are you asking me to lie? I'm asking you to be creative.
I can't invent some phantom illness to make a patient happy.
Douglas.
Come and look out this window.
See that new children's wing? That was paid for by Mrs.
portmeyer's unfortunate brush with irritated cranial meningeal syndrome.
That's a headache.
Precisely.
You think in terms of the greater good The thousands of patients we're able to care for because of her donations, and all we have to do, in return, is satisfy the whims of one sweet elderly lady.
No, no, no! I want the bed away from the window.
Benjamin, how many years have I been coming here? you're right.
It was a terribly oversight on my part.
Hello, buster.
Buster died.
That's peanut.
Hello, peanut.
We don't allow animals in the hospital.
We do now.
If this is a good time, I'd like to introduce your physicians.
This is Dr.
howser and Dr.
mcguire.
You're looking very well.
But then looks can deceive.
I don't like this.
It's unsanitary.
It's going.
First thing tomorrow.
I'm Dr.
howser.
It's a pleasure to have you here with us.
Benjamin, he's a teenager.
Yes, but he's a very gifted teenager.
He graduated top of his class at 14.
He was finalist for resident of the year last year.
It's no exaggeration to say he's a genius.
But what am I doing? Dr.
howser can speak for himself.
Um Yeah.
Oh, he is impressive.
Mr.
delpino, you clearly have no affinity for maths or science or languages.
I'm not a renaissance man.
You were also in the bottom 10 percentile in the speed tests.
Well, I didn't know they were timing us.
Well, let's concentrate on the good points.
You're gregarious, outgoing, and you have an excellent sense of balance.
Have you ever considered a career in construction? You mean like hard hats? Whistling at women from tall buildings? It's a popular occupation for someone with your family background.
If memory serves, your father is in the plumbing business.
My father deals exclusively in shower heads.
Ah.
Well, let me correct my file.
He's also 100% behind my decision to go to film school.
Film school? Let's look at these grades.
Nowhere are you better than average, and your biology score's so low, it's off the scale.
Well, I'm working on that.
My term paper's going to bring me way up.
Mr.
delpino, as your guidance counselor, I have to give you the facts.
You're not going to film school.
You're simply not college material.
Whoa, whoa.
Look, I have a dream.
I may not know the body parts of a frog, but when I look through a camera, I see things other people don't see.
Call it a vision.
Call it a passion.
My future is in the movies.
What about set construction? Delicious smells, Mrs.
h.
Is doogie home? Nope.
He'll be working late tonight.
Ah, geez.
Can I help with anything? I got this French pen pal of the female persuasion who's begging for my picture.
Who can blame her? My folks lost interest in me after 2 1/2.
I don't have any photos where I'm not in training pants.
Now, that's a problem.
Maybe you have some shots of me looking handsome.
There's probably something in doogie's scrapbook.
Of course.
Doogie's scrapbook.
Is it still in the living room? No.
The last time i saw it, it was up in his room.
Vinnie, you coming? I'm right behind you.
I love this picture of you playing soccer.
Look how tiny you were, Vinnie.
When was this taken? Last summer.
Well.
Oh, look.
Doogie at 7 months.
Do you know what his first word was? Duck.
Not mama.
Not dada.
Duck.
Just adorable.
What's this? Doogie's first science report.
He wrote that when he was 9.
"Observations on the amoeba and other protozoic life forms.
" Wow.
And i was struggling with "how I spent my summer vacation.
" Something burning? My stew! I should have turned it down.
I ought to get out from under your feet.
Thanks for the memories.
Did you find something you can use? Absolutely.
You're stealing my report.
Uh-uh.
Liar.
Dissembler.
Cheat.
What's dissembler? Vinnie, I'm disgusted.
What you're doing is reprehensible.
I am not stealing your report.
I stole your report this afternoon.
Now I'm putting it back.
I feel so much better.
Don't you have a conscience? I do have a conscience, which is why I'm putting it back.
I panicked and did something wrong.
I realized you were right.
Stealing somebody's ideas is no solution.
Well, that's something.
So I did the right and noble thing.
I quit high school.
Are you trying to kill me? Are you trying to kill your mother? I can't believe your son's so stupid! How come, every time he screws up, he's my son? He didn't get it from me! How is the situation with Mrs.
portmeyer, Douglas? Terrible.
We can't find anything wrong with her.
I don't know what I'll tell her.
Well, I'm sure you'll think of You didn't finish high school! I'll tell you what I'm gonna finish you! Something.
What do you want from me, Vincent? I worked my fingers to the bone for you! Whew.
That went pretty well.
There's fruit salad in the fridge.
I wanted you to be the first to hear about my new job.
I'm working for a company that makes television commercials.
Officially I'll be a production assistant, but I'll be giving a lot of creative input.
That's great, Vinnie.
Yes, congratulations.
Is it something I said? No.
I think it was something you did.
What's the big deal about high school? I find a job in my chosen profession, and everyone thinks I'd be better off doing 101 book reports on the old man and the sea.
Speak to me, doog.
Look, a lot of great Americans didn't graduate from high school.
Like who? Like Henry Ford.
George gershwin.
Cher.
I can see you in a rock video wearing a body stocking.
School is fine for academics like you, but it's a prison for the creative psyche.
I got to soar.
You can't soar with a diploma? Et tu, doogie? Come on, sultan.
Eat, boy, eat.
Delpino! You could build cities with these things.
Get some more before the crew starts eating the scenery.
Hey, kid, watch it! You're in sultan's eye-line.
Move.
Move.
Norman, could i just mention one thing? I think the lighting in this scene is a little Opaque.
Go get my car washed.
Light wax.
Doog! What are you doing here? I felt bad about not being more supportive.
This is me being supportive.
Great.
Only you picked a bad day.
Dog food commercial.
Working with animals makes the crew tense.
Delpino! I said something about bagels! I'll get the bagel person.
Can you show me around? Let me take care of some priority stuff Delpino! I'm on it! Bagels, car wash.
Something else came up.
What? The dog's breakfast.
You're wasting your time, doog.
Wasting your time is cleaning up dog barf for a living.
That's one of Hollywood's top dogs.
What a jerk.
Why did I think that was my big break? They took me for an idiot kid with no brains.
You're not an idiot.
Academics is about discipline.
It can be learned, and I'll teach you.
We'll start with that biology paper.
This sounds like howser bails out delpino, part 15.
It would be nice if it was the other way around for a change.
Well, actually, there is something you can do for me.
Teach me to lie.
Tomorrow I've got to tell this patient she's got something that she doesn't have so she'll make a donation to the hospital.
You've got a very strange job.
And I want to keep it, which is why I'm coming to you.
You're the best liar I know.
Doog, I'm touched.
Can you teach me? Hey, it's easy.
It's like a magic trick.
First rule Never stop talking.
Hold their gaze.
That's key.
Never be the first one to look away.
Hello, Mrs.
portmeyer.
I've got your test results.
What's wrong with me? The good news is Skip the good news.
What's wrong with me? Xerodermia.
What's that? A skin condition.
Invisible to the naked eye.
Nothing to worry about.
Luckily, we have medication for it.
I'll get on it.
Uh, try not to scratch.
I can't.
Mrs.
portmeyer.
I'm lying.
I'll be honest.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Excuse me? You're in excellent health for a woman your age.
I'm sorry.
Well, Beatrice.
How's everything this morning? Dr.
howser has just give me some startling news.
Well, whatever it is, it's not very serious.
He said there's nothing wrong.
He did? Dr.
howser is overworked.
We'll have another physician check your test results right away.
That won't be necessary.
I've heard enough.
Now, bea.
Let's not act in haste.
We've been together a long time.
Yes.
22 years.
And it's about time someone told you the truth.
You are a very special and generous person.
No one will stop appreciating you just because you're not sick.
Dr.
howser, don't you have rounds? This is the best thing a doctor can tell his patient.
You're in good health.
Appreciate it.
Benjamin.
Do you agree? Well On the one hand, yes.
On the other On the other, you want that new cardiology wing.
Well, I'd say that diagnosis was worth a lot.
My accountant will be in touch.
Thank you.
Oh, thank him.
When you mature, you're going to be a fine doctor.
I couldn't agree more.
I was talking to you, Benjamin.
My biology paper.
Two weeks late.
But like fine wine, it took some time to mature.
So, I'm back.
If a student drops out unexcused for more than a week, we can't take him back till next semester.
Uh, I didn't want to get into this, but Mind if I sit down? Well, the fact is, I've been going through a few personal problems.
It started with the fire in the attic.
And my grandfather died and left me his business.
I mean, what do I know about prosthetic devices? And what do you care about a guy with a dead grandfather and no roof? O.
K.
O.
K.
You pushed me to this.
I quit school 'cause I thought i didn't need it.
But it wasn't fair of you to write me off because my talents didn't fit into your system.
But that's high school.
I got to do the work.
Now I know it.
That is the first honest statement I have ever heard come out of your lips.
Catch up in a week.
If you're not making I'll make it.
How can I thank you? Just a line in your memoirs, Mr.
delpino.
He's back.
He's shooting spitballs.
He's jamming lockers.
He's eating fish sticks.
He's high school senior! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
My folks love me again.
Thanks for your help.
No problem.
How did it go with the popcorn queen? I hate to let you down.
I told the truth.
Did you learn nothing from me? The truth is always the last resort.
But it worked for me.
She doubled her donation to the hospital.
It worked for me, too.
I came clean with my guidance counselor.
Life used to be so simple.
Then comes the greenhouse effect.
Pat Riley retires.
Now this.
Ahh.
Honesty works.
My universe is crumbling.