Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e12 Episode Script
TV or Not TV
You don't understand.
I got to have that letter.
I'll write it.
I've been busy.
I asked for it two weeks ago! My college application's due in six days.
I'll do it, o.
K.
? All right.
I won't say another word.
Thank you.
The sooner I get it in, the better.
Not another word.
Four paragraphs would be nice, single-spaced.
Not a word.
I still don't know why you're going to N.
Y.
U.
It's got a great film school.
But New York's tough.
There's a three-bullet-hole minimum to get into emergency rooms, plus it's expensive.
That's the kicker.
I got free room and board at grandma delpino's.
A teenager's dream come true.
Hey, she's cool.
She dated gangsters, you know.
How delightful.
A real role model.
Yeah.
So i need three letters of recommendation.
I already got one from my French teacher, madame feldblum.
I'll have yours soon.
The next one has to be a biggie I'm in an emergency room, for god's sake.
Somebody to put me over the top.
What's this? Herniated disc.
Bad slide into third base.
Let's get him into number two.
Bye-bye.
Do you know who that is? That's Bradford eisner.
Who's Bradford eisner? Who's Bradford eisner? Only the head of programming for abc television, that's all.
Doog.
No.
He's a patient.
Hey, you're right.
I got crazy for a minute.
Your initial x-rays were inconclusive.
For now, we're talking an mri of the spine, trial bed rest in traction, and some pain medication.
No medication.
I'm doing my midseason line-up.
I've got to stay alert.
I owe it to my viewers.
O.
K.
We'll take it one step at a time.
Deal? Deal.
I'll be back to check on you later.
Mr.
eisner.
You probably get this all the time, but you know what I think would make a fabulous show? I haven't a clue.
The life of a nurse.
A real nurse, though, one who cares.
A no-nonsense nurse with dedication that goes beyond her job.
Exactly.
A woman whose many scrapes with romance have always ended in tragedy, but she manages to It it sounds autobiographical, but it's only loosely autobiographical.
If you sat down with me for 20 minutes, I could tell you stories.
We'll set up something between your people and my people.
I haven't got any people.
Get some.
O.
K.
Here we go, Mr.
, uh Eisner.
Ah, some delicious chicken with some interesting sauce of some kind, um, country-fresh succotash, and some yummy blue dessert.
Uh, pudding Maybe.
Very nutritious.
Fish is brain food.
Chicken is back food.
Let me get you in the proper eating angle here.
Ahem.
O.
K.
Scream out if you feel any pain.
That way I'll know when to stop.
Oh! Ah! That should do it.
You need to itch anyplace that you can't reach? You can't reach? We're full-service here.
I trimmed my nails just this morning.
Very nice.
I'll use my own.
Sorry, Mr.
eisner.
There was a mix-up with your You got your tray.
How'd that happen? This overly zealous orderly here brought it to me.
Just checking for germs.
Ah.
Yep.
All clear.
Ah, yes.
Orderly delpino.
Definitely one of our best.
Could I speak to you outside, orderly delpino? Certainly, orderly Alexander.
Excuse us.
You enjoy your lunch, Mr.
eisner.
Let go of me.
What are you doing? I'm not doing anything.
Why were you in there? That's Bradford eisner.
He's a big television person.
He could write my recommendation for film school.
Not on my time.
Come on! Cut me a break.
Let me deliver his food or something.
Just for a little while.
This could be the shot I need.
No dice.
You know, Raymond Ever since you held me hostage in that convenience store, I wake up screaming every night.
My shrink wants to see me three times a week.
You don't see a shrink.
See how crazy I am? I thought I did.
What? I What's the matter? Where you held that gun to my head, the muzzle mark still hurts.
Right here.
Remember? You sleaze.
All I'm asking is you look the other way.
Hot off the presses.
Your ticket to Gotham, mi amigo.
I knew you'd come through.
O.
K.
Here goes.
"To whom it may concern.
" Nice touch.
Don't want to offend any women readers.
"I've known Vincent delpino for 12 years.
" Good.
Start slow and build.
"In that time, "I've know him to be a conscientious friend and hard-working individual.
" We're still building.
"He has unproven potential, but an apparent willingness to learn.
" Are we dipping a little here? "I'm sure he will be a refreshing addition "to the student body of your fine institution.
Despite his academic shortcomings" Whoa! "He's obedient, loyal, and trustworthy.
" Just say I don't bite or lick myself in public.
Ahem.
"Sincerely, Douglas howser, m.
D.
" What, that's it? That's the best you could do? That's good.
I chose those words carefully.
"Despite his academic shortcomings"? What, are you nuts? I was covering the fact your grade point average equals the rainfall in death valley.
Should I have lied? Lie? You have to lie to say something good about me? Lie is the wrong word.
Exaggerate would be better.
Forget it.
I can't use this.
Maybe to get into preschool or a dance class, but not N.
Y.
U.
O.
K.
, fine.
Have somebody else write it.
Fine.
Fine.
Ohh.
Hello.
Oh, come on.
This is going to kill us.
Why does he have to pick Tuesday night to address the nation? Tuesday's our biggest night.
All right.
I'll think of something.
I can't put funny after the president.
Damn.
Hey, take it easy.
That vein's working overtime in your neck there.
Save yourself for this scintillating tapioca.
I can't eat.
I'm not an eavesdropping guy, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I got an idea.
Just hear me out.
Now, the president is dull, right? So why is it that after he speaks, you put on five dull guys discussing what he put us to sleep with? Political analysis.
Shouldn't you be pushing a cart? Now The country is not on a roll.
Economy is down.
Foreign policy's in trouble.
We need something uplifting to remind us what a great country this is.
Rocky balboa, the greatest success story in American history.
Run rockyafter the president's speech.
Thanks, kid, but I've got people studying demographics to come up with these things.
Well, I know I'd be watching the Italian stallion.
Nice try, though.
Yeah, Jack.
Do we still have the rights to rocky? Something bothering you? No, nothing.
You try and do a favor for somebody, and look what you get.
I spend precious time agonizing over a letter of recommendation so Vinnie can enter N.
Y.
U.
, and it's not good enough.
What an ingrate.
Vinnie's going to college? He couldn't get into the San Diego zoo.
It'll be good to get rid of him.
I need more mature friends.
Jack, meadway can't make the poker game tonight.
We'll be short unless you find somebody.
I play poker.
You want new friends, not new weenies.
Doog, I don't think this is for you.
Jack's right.
See? There you go.
I'm o.
K.
To remove a gallbladder with, but nobody wants to hang around with me on the outside.
I guess you're right.
Who needs it? I'll just be by myself.
I better get used to it anyway.
Four years coming up with no friends.
Just me and my lava lamp and my computer.
Maybe I'll make a pen pal.
There are a lot of lonely women in prison.
O.
K.
, 7:00.
Bring cash.
Yeah! Three kings.
Flush.
What? Oh, damn! This hurts.
I'm out of here.
You shouldn't have bet into me.
with 7 spades out.
Jack had folded the fourth king.
Your other card was the last 10, so the odds favored me.
Right.
I should have known.
Jack Let's take a break.
Good idea.
I want to rummage through the kitchen for a blunt object to kill howser with.
Let me see.
Whoa! Wanda! Full house.
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo, yeah! Give me five! Give me five! Guys, look what I scored.
The best there is.
Cubans.
Hey, Cubans.
Jack, you shouldn't have.
I'm glad he did.
Will you marry me? Yeah, if you shave your mustache.
Come on.
What about me? - Go on.
- Come on, Jack.
Mmm.
You know, a good cigar is a real man's pleasure.
Yeah.
Right.
Give him a light.
Nice bite.
He'll need a doctor now.
What was that? Eight-year-old Kentucky bourbon.
Goes down smooth, huh? Oh, god, howser! Oh Oh, honey, why did you do this to yourself? I was trying to be one of the guys, make some new friends.
I won't be asked back.
You took their money and puked on their table.
I doubt the invitation's been sent.
In six months, my social world will be a flat line.
Everyone's going to college.
Wanda's talking about this art school in Chicago.
Vinnie's going to N.
Y.
U.
But they'll still be your friends.
Yeah, except for Vinnie.
We're not speaking.
He says my letter couldn't get him into a dance school.
Well, maybe your heart wasn't in it 100%, hmm? Remember how it was before you went to Princeton? A next-door neighbor, an Italian kid, I think, was pretty broken up because his best friend was leaving.
You came back.
So will he.
Your mother's right.
Vinnie has to have experiences just like you did.
What are you doing, doogie? I'm going to write a new letter for Vinnie.
Right after I do this.
Excuse me.
So the whole story will revolve around a kid who was a gang banger until he was 18.
But suddenly, through a dramatic confrontation with the cops, his whole life turns around.
And he decides to become a hospital orderly.
A no-nonsense orderly with a dedication and compassion that go beyond his job.
Absolutely.
Now, here's the grabber.
Through a freak laboratory accident, he swallows an experimental drug.
It gives him supernatural power.
He returns to the projects by night as captain crime buster, and he cleans up his entire neighborhood.
So what do you think? I think I can make it back to the bed myself.
Sure thing.
You wanna take a meeting, give me a ring.
Mr.
e, you did it.
You put rocky on last night.
Isn't that a coincidence? Our programming department came up with the same idea you had.
We won the nationals.
Fantastic.
What does that mean? Rocky beat everybody.
That really was a good idea, huh? Yeah.
I like you, delpino.
You're brash.
I could use your smarts and energy.
Start you off small, see how you handle it.
Whoa.
You're offering me a job? Yeah.
I don't know.
Where's that nurse? This heat pack needs changing.
Look, um, I got to run, but I'll give it some thought.
I will.
You do that.
Housekeeping needed in room 662.
Housekeeping to room 662, please.
Vinnie.
Vinnie, am I glad to see you.
I don't have time.
I was reluctant about that letter Forget that.
I did it halfheartedly because I don't want you to leave.
I love you, too.
I feel like I'm sabotaging your dream.
All is forgiven.
Once I realized that, i wrote another one.
What's with the uniform? Uh, I can explain.
Then do it.
Remember that biggie who could put me over the top? You didn't.
I did.
I can't.
You will.
Bottom line, I'm a marginal student.
I thought if I conned you out of a letter of recommendation, it would do the trick.
So I'm apologizing.
I don't really work here.
Good, because you were a very annoying orderly.
So now that that's out of the way, can we talk about that job in programming? It was in the mail room.
The mail room? Are you kidding? Hey, I'm an artist, a filmmaker.
I'm beyond television anyway.
It's a vast wasteland, the boob tube.
Bubble gum for the mind.
Vin, I think Mr.
eisner gets the picture.
About the letter Vinnie was wrong, but it took flair and imagination to get in and see you, and imagination goes a long way in entertainment.
Yes, he has several qualities that would help in my business He's sleazy, sly, and deceitful.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
O.
K.
O.
K.
, I'll write you a letter.
Dr.
howser And Mr.
delpino.
Is everything all right here? Mr.
eisner's writing Vinnie a recommendation for film school.
Isn't that great? Yes, great, indeed.
Uh, thank you very much, Mr.
eisner.
So according to Vinnie's mom, his grandmother hated New York and suddenly moved to Florida.
With her went his free room and board.
So he can't go to N.
Y.
U.
? That's right.
I hope he's not too disappointed.
Me, too.
Good night, doogie.
Good night, mom.
This is absolutely righteous, man.
"A young man with an exuberance for life "and a single driven passion for the craft of filmmaking.
" I love it.
"If you want an academician " ooh, good word "who goes by the book "and will carry on the proven ways, "Vincent delpino is not your man.
"But if you want someone "who challenges barriers, pushes the limits, "and will improve the state of the art, he's definitely your man.
" I'm misting up here, doog.
I believe those words 100%.
That's why I wrote them.
They're going on my tombstone, I'll tell you that.
Doogie, there's something I have to cop to here.
When you talked about our friendship, well, i started thinking about it, too.
So I decided to shove aside my selfish interest in the big apple.
I'm not going to N.
Y.
U.
So we can still hang out together.
Our friendship is keeping you here? That's right, doog.
You're my best friend.
I need you, and i knew you'd miss me.
So you're staying here just for me? Yeah.
Gosh, vin, I'm touched.
How can i make this up to you? What do you say to a loan say, $200? I'll say your grandmother moved to Florida.
Your mom told my mom.
You know, the delpinos have big mouths.
Yes, and you're a delpino through and through.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
I got to have that letter.
I'll write it.
I've been busy.
I asked for it two weeks ago! My college application's due in six days.
I'll do it, o.
K.
? All right.
I won't say another word.
Thank you.
The sooner I get it in, the better.
Not another word.
Four paragraphs would be nice, single-spaced.
Not a word.
I still don't know why you're going to N.
Y.
U.
It's got a great film school.
But New York's tough.
There's a three-bullet-hole minimum to get into emergency rooms, plus it's expensive.
That's the kicker.
I got free room and board at grandma delpino's.
A teenager's dream come true.
Hey, she's cool.
She dated gangsters, you know.
How delightful.
A real role model.
Yeah.
So i need three letters of recommendation.
I already got one from my French teacher, madame feldblum.
I'll have yours soon.
The next one has to be a biggie I'm in an emergency room, for god's sake.
Somebody to put me over the top.
What's this? Herniated disc.
Bad slide into third base.
Let's get him into number two.
Bye-bye.
Do you know who that is? That's Bradford eisner.
Who's Bradford eisner? Who's Bradford eisner? Only the head of programming for abc television, that's all.
Doog.
No.
He's a patient.
Hey, you're right.
I got crazy for a minute.
Your initial x-rays were inconclusive.
For now, we're talking an mri of the spine, trial bed rest in traction, and some pain medication.
No medication.
I'm doing my midseason line-up.
I've got to stay alert.
I owe it to my viewers.
O.
K.
We'll take it one step at a time.
Deal? Deal.
I'll be back to check on you later.
Mr.
eisner.
You probably get this all the time, but you know what I think would make a fabulous show? I haven't a clue.
The life of a nurse.
A real nurse, though, one who cares.
A no-nonsense nurse with dedication that goes beyond her job.
Exactly.
A woman whose many scrapes with romance have always ended in tragedy, but she manages to It it sounds autobiographical, but it's only loosely autobiographical.
If you sat down with me for 20 minutes, I could tell you stories.
We'll set up something between your people and my people.
I haven't got any people.
Get some.
O.
K.
Here we go, Mr.
, uh Eisner.
Ah, some delicious chicken with some interesting sauce of some kind, um, country-fresh succotash, and some yummy blue dessert.
Uh, pudding Maybe.
Very nutritious.
Fish is brain food.
Chicken is back food.
Let me get you in the proper eating angle here.
Ahem.
O.
K.
Scream out if you feel any pain.
That way I'll know when to stop.
Oh! Ah! That should do it.
You need to itch anyplace that you can't reach? You can't reach? We're full-service here.
I trimmed my nails just this morning.
Very nice.
I'll use my own.
Sorry, Mr.
eisner.
There was a mix-up with your You got your tray.
How'd that happen? This overly zealous orderly here brought it to me.
Just checking for germs.
Ah.
Yep.
All clear.
Ah, yes.
Orderly delpino.
Definitely one of our best.
Could I speak to you outside, orderly delpino? Certainly, orderly Alexander.
Excuse us.
You enjoy your lunch, Mr.
eisner.
Let go of me.
What are you doing? I'm not doing anything.
Why were you in there? That's Bradford eisner.
He's a big television person.
He could write my recommendation for film school.
Not on my time.
Come on! Cut me a break.
Let me deliver his food or something.
Just for a little while.
This could be the shot I need.
No dice.
You know, Raymond Ever since you held me hostage in that convenience store, I wake up screaming every night.
My shrink wants to see me three times a week.
You don't see a shrink.
See how crazy I am? I thought I did.
What? I What's the matter? Where you held that gun to my head, the muzzle mark still hurts.
Right here.
Remember? You sleaze.
All I'm asking is you look the other way.
Hot off the presses.
Your ticket to Gotham, mi amigo.
I knew you'd come through.
O.
K.
Here goes.
"To whom it may concern.
" Nice touch.
Don't want to offend any women readers.
"I've known Vincent delpino for 12 years.
" Good.
Start slow and build.
"In that time, "I've know him to be a conscientious friend and hard-working individual.
" We're still building.
"He has unproven potential, but an apparent willingness to learn.
" Are we dipping a little here? "I'm sure he will be a refreshing addition "to the student body of your fine institution.
Despite his academic shortcomings" Whoa! "He's obedient, loyal, and trustworthy.
" Just say I don't bite or lick myself in public.
Ahem.
"Sincerely, Douglas howser, m.
D.
" What, that's it? That's the best you could do? That's good.
I chose those words carefully.
"Despite his academic shortcomings"? What, are you nuts? I was covering the fact your grade point average equals the rainfall in death valley.
Should I have lied? Lie? You have to lie to say something good about me? Lie is the wrong word.
Exaggerate would be better.
Forget it.
I can't use this.
Maybe to get into preschool or a dance class, but not N.
Y.
U.
O.
K.
, fine.
Have somebody else write it.
Fine.
Fine.
Ohh.
Hello.
Oh, come on.
This is going to kill us.
Why does he have to pick Tuesday night to address the nation? Tuesday's our biggest night.
All right.
I'll think of something.
I can't put funny after the president.
Damn.
Hey, take it easy.
That vein's working overtime in your neck there.
Save yourself for this scintillating tapioca.
I can't eat.
I'm not an eavesdropping guy, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I got an idea.
Just hear me out.
Now, the president is dull, right? So why is it that after he speaks, you put on five dull guys discussing what he put us to sleep with? Political analysis.
Shouldn't you be pushing a cart? Now The country is not on a roll.
Economy is down.
Foreign policy's in trouble.
We need something uplifting to remind us what a great country this is.
Rocky balboa, the greatest success story in American history.
Run rockyafter the president's speech.
Thanks, kid, but I've got people studying demographics to come up with these things.
Well, I know I'd be watching the Italian stallion.
Nice try, though.
Yeah, Jack.
Do we still have the rights to rocky? Something bothering you? No, nothing.
You try and do a favor for somebody, and look what you get.
I spend precious time agonizing over a letter of recommendation so Vinnie can enter N.
Y.
U.
, and it's not good enough.
What an ingrate.
Vinnie's going to college? He couldn't get into the San Diego zoo.
It'll be good to get rid of him.
I need more mature friends.
Jack, meadway can't make the poker game tonight.
We'll be short unless you find somebody.
I play poker.
You want new friends, not new weenies.
Doog, I don't think this is for you.
Jack's right.
See? There you go.
I'm o.
K.
To remove a gallbladder with, but nobody wants to hang around with me on the outside.
I guess you're right.
Who needs it? I'll just be by myself.
I better get used to it anyway.
Four years coming up with no friends.
Just me and my lava lamp and my computer.
Maybe I'll make a pen pal.
There are a lot of lonely women in prison.
O.
K.
, 7:00.
Bring cash.
Yeah! Three kings.
Flush.
What? Oh, damn! This hurts.
I'm out of here.
You shouldn't have bet into me.
with 7 spades out.
Jack had folded the fourth king.
Your other card was the last 10, so the odds favored me.
Right.
I should have known.
Jack Let's take a break.
Good idea.
I want to rummage through the kitchen for a blunt object to kill howser with.
Let me see.
Whoa! Wanda! Full house.
Yeah! Yeah! Whoo, yeah! Give me five! Give me five! Guys, look what I scored.
The best there is.
Cubans.
Hey, Cubans.
Jack, you shouldn't have.
I'm glad he did.
Will you marry me? Yeah, if you shave your mustache.
Come on.
What about me? - Go on.
- Come on, Jack.
Mmm.
You know, a good cigar is a real man's pleasure.
Yeah.
Right.
Give him a light.
Nice bite.
He'll need a doctor now.
What was that? Eight-year-old Kentucky bourbon.
Goes down smooth, huh? Oh, god, howser! Oh Oh, honey, why did you do this to yourself? I was trying to be one of the guys, make some new friends.
I won't be asked back.
You took their money and puked on their table.
I doubt the invitation's been sent.
In six months, my social world will be a flat line.
Everyone's going to college.
Wanda's talking about this art school in Chicago.
Vinnie's going to N.
Y.
U.
But they'll still be your friends.
Yeah, except for Vinnie.
We're not speaking.
He says my letter couldn't get him into a dance school.
Well, maybe your heart wasn't in it 100%, hmm? Remember how it was before you went to Princeton? A next-door neighbor, an Italian kid, I think, was pretty broken up because his best friend was leaving.
You came back.
So will he.
Your mother's right.
Vinnie has to have experiences just like you did.
What are you doing, doogie? I'm going to write a new letter for Vinnie.
Right after I do this.
Excuse me.
So the whole story will revolve around a kid who was a gang banger until he was 18.
But suddenly, through a dramatic confrontation with the cops, his whole life turns around.
And he decides to become a hospital orderly.
A no-nonsense orderly with a dedication and compassion that go beyond his job.
Absolutely.
Now, here's the grabber.
Through a freak laboratory accident, he swallows an experimental drug.
It gives him supernatural power.
He returns to the projects by night as captain crime buster, and he cleans up his entire neighborhood.
So what do you think? I think I can make it back to the bed myself.
Sure thing.
You wanna take a meeting, give me a ring.
Mr.
e, you did it.
You put rocky on last night.
Isn't that a coincidence? Our programming department came up with the same idea you had.
We won the nationals.
Fantastic.
What does that mean? Rocky beat everybody.
That really was a good idea, huh? Yeah.
I like you, delpino.
You're brash.
I could use your smarts and energy.
Start you off small, see how you handle it.
Whoa.
You're offering me a job? Yeah.
I don't know.
Where's that nurse? This heat pack needs changing.
Look, um, I got to run, but I'll give it some thought.
I will.
You do that.
Housekeeping needed in room 662.
Housekeeping to room 662, please.
Vinnie.
Vinnie, am I glad to see you.
I don't have time.
I was reluctant about that letter Forget that.
I did it halfheartedly because I don't want you to leave.
I love you, too.
I feel like I'm sabotaging your dream.
All is forgiven.
Once I realized that, i wrote another one.
What's with the uniform? Uh, I can explain.
Then do it.
Remember that biggie who could put me over the top? You didn't.
I did.
I can't.
You will.
Bottom line, I'm a marginal student.
I thought if I conned you out of a letter of recommendation, it would do the trick.
So I'm apologizing.
I don't really work here.
Good, because you were a very annoying orderly.
So now that that's out of the way, can we talk about that job in programming? It was in the mail room.
The mail room? Are you kidding? Hey, I'm an artist, a filmmaker.
I'm beyond television anyway.
It's a vast wasteland, the boob tube.
Bubble gum for the mind.
Vin, I think Mr.
eisner gets the picture.
About the letter Vinnie was wrong, but it took flair and imagination to get in and see you, and imagination goes a long way in entertainment.
Yes, he has several qualities that would help in my business He's sleazy, sly, and deceitful.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
O.
K.
O.
K.
, I'll write you a letter.
Dr.
howser And Mr.
delpino.
Is everything all right here? Mr.
eisner's writing Vinnie a recommendation for film school.
Isn't that great? Yes, great, indeed.
Uh, thank you very much, Mr.
eisner.
So according to Vinnie's mom, his grandmother hated New York and suddenly moved to Florida.
With her went his free room and board.
So he can't go to N.
Y.
U.
? That's right.
I hope he's not too disappointed.
Me, too.
Good night, doogie.
Good night, mom.
This is absolutely righteous, man.
"A young man with an exuberance for life "and a single driven passion for the craft of filmmaking.
" I love it.
"If you want an academician " ooh, good word "who goes by the book "and will carry on the proven ways, "Vincent delpino is not your man.
"But if you want someone "who challenges barriers, pushes the limits, "and will improve the state of the art, he's definitely your man.
" I'm misting up here, doog.
I believe those words 100%.
That's why I wrote them.
They're going on my tombstone, I'll tell you that.
Doogie, there's something I have to cop to here.
When you talked about our friendship, well, i started thinking about it, too.
So I decided to shove aside my selfish interest in the big apple.
I'm not going to N.
Y.
U.
So we can still hang out together.
Our friendship is keeping you here? That's right, doog.
You're my best friend.
I need you, and i knew you'd miss me.
So you're staying here just for me? Yeah.
Gosh, vin, I'm touched.
How can i make this up to you? What do you say to a loan say, $200? I'll say your grandmother moved to Florida.
Your mom told my mom.
You know, the delpinos have big mouths.
Yes, and you're a delpino through and through.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good night.
Good night.